If you ever loved me please, have some mercy on me

“Matt told you.” I said, crossing my arms and facing him.
“No.”
“You don’t have to protect him Drew.”
“I wouldn’t. He didn’t tell me. Toni did.”

I had forgotten that I had bumped into Toni while shopping for supplies. I hadn’t told her not to tell Drew – hadn’t really thought of it. I hadn’t even really gone into detail about where I was going, just that I’d be gone for a while for work.

“Whatever. I guess who told you doesn’t really matter. I guess a better question is why are you here?”
“I think the best question is, why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”
I couldn’t help myself. I snorted.
“Really? Why didn’t I tell you? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you picked some girl you knew for two hot seconds over me.”
“Ella. That’s not the point. We’ve known each other for how long? And you were just going to leave?”
“Seriously Drew? What have you been smoking that makes you think that makes ANY sense? We have known each other for a long time, and YOU chose to cut off our friendship, which means I don’t have an obligation to tell you anything.”

He was quiet for a minute, studying me, and it put me on edge. It hurt being near him, and I just wanted him to leave.

“You have no right to be here, Drew. And you certainly have no right to question where I’m going or act hurt that I didn’t tell you. You can’t blame me for this one. You asked for space, and I gave it to you. You can’t complain for getting what you wanted.”
“You’re right Ella. Totally right.”
“Then let me ask you again. Why are you here?”

Again, he was quiet, and I thought he was just going to leave. But instead he sat down on the corner of my bed.

“This was my choice Ella, but I guess I just didn’t realize what it entailed and how difficult it would be. When I heard you were leaving, I got so pissed off. That’s why I came over here. I felt like I deserved to know what was going on, and you’re right. I don’t.”

I didn’t expect Drew to be so honest. It seemed like the last time we talked, all we had done was yell at each other and blame each other. I figured this time would go that route too, and now that it wasn’t, I didn’t know what to say or do.

“I honestly just don’t know what to tell you Drew. I said everything I had to say last time we talked. I laid it all on the line for you. You made your choice. I didn’t like it then and I still don’t like it, but it’s not my choice to make.” I paused for a moment. “Does Jessica know you’re here?”

Drew turned red. I knew she didn’t know.
“I’m not doing this Drew. I’m not hiding. If you want to be my friend and be involved in my life then she needs to know. If she can’t accept it, or you won’t tell her, then you need to pick. I can’t make you choose me, but I’m not doing this again.”
“I just…. I don’t know what I can give you Ella. I think I used Jessica as an excuse. Yes, she was the one who asked, but I think I agreed to it because I can’t handle being around you.”
“Then why are you here?” I shouted, louder than I meant too. It was just so frustrating and I was tired of running in circles with everyone.
“Because!” Drew shouted back. “I don’t know. I just… Where are you going?”

I sighed. He was deflecting, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell him anything.
“I’m going to Colorado.”
“That far? Toni said it was for work…”
“It is.” I said, standing, I turned my back and started packing.
“Ella, don’t do this.”
“Do what Drew? I have things to do.”
“Don’t shut me out. Don’t run away.”
“We’ve been over this. If anyone shut anyone out, you shut me out. I don’t know how I can be anymore clearer: you told me to leave you alone. I did. You can’t come back and demand answers just because you want to be nosey. And you know, I’m tired of the whole ‘running away’ thing.”
“I’m tired of you running whenever shit gets hard, El.”

I wanted to explode. And I came really close to doing so. I was tired of being accused of running away. Instead I took a deep breath.

“Drew, I’m going to give you an explanation – even though you don’t deserve one, but because I’m tired of always beating around the bush. I’m sure Matt told you about work’s money issues. I don’t know how much detail he got into, but it’s really bad. They told us to find new jobs and were talking furloughs. My boss found out I was sending out my resume, she got me a temporary job in Colorado. It helps build my resume and my contacts, and also cuts back on the money the agency needs to spend, which may buy them more time to come up with a solution.” I paused for a moment, to get his attention. He looked at me, and I made sure I held his eye. “I’m only going to say this one, and then I’m going to ask you to leave and to not contact me again until you can for sure say you want me back in your life. I’m not running away. I do plan to use this distance to get my head on straight and to figure things out. I miss you. Every day I miss you, and I’ve already said I want you back, but I learned my lesson with Jason, and I am not going to waste time pining over someone who doesn’t care enough about me to say he wants me around. I can’t blame you for not choosing me. I messed up. I can’t blame you for moving on. But, I can get upset when you keep flip flopping back and forth. If you want me in your life, as a friend, or as more, I’m willing to try. If you don’t, then you really do need to just let me go.”

I was scared to hear his answer. The reason I never put it on the line with Jason is because I never wanted to hear the words no. They were so final. Even when Jason treated me badly or left, there was always still hope that he’d come back. It was never final.

“I just don’t know what you want me to say, Ella.”
“What I want you to say doesn’t matter. I just want you to make a decision Drew. I deserve that much – if you ever loved me at all, at least respect me enough to be honest and make a decision.”

He was quiet for a long time, and I was just about to tell him to leave when he spoke.
“You’ve been pretty open with me Ella, and I haven’t been with you. I do still love you. I probably always will. I just don’t know if that’s a good thing, or if you’re my Jason – the one I WANT to be with, but ultimately know it’ll never work with. I don’t know if I can get over things. I don’t know if I want too. You want answers and I don’t know. I guess the best thing would be for you to leave. For us both to get some time, and to figure it out from there. I don’t want to be a Jason to you, I don’t want to keep you hanging on. I also don’t want to walk away when I’m just not sure what I want.”
“Well, then you go. And I’ll leave. We’ll just have to see, I guess.”

I couldn’t watch him leave. So I turned and busied myself with my clothes until I heard my front door shut.

I'm already gone

“What?” He asked.
“I’m going to Colorado.”
“You’re leaving?”
“Yes.” I said, trying to read his face.
“How could you do that?”
“What do you mean, how could I do that?”
“I mean it’s one thing to take another job, but in a whole other state? How are you going to be able to help the agency at all?” His voice was rising, he was getting angry, and I was confused.
“I am helping the agency, by leaving Matt.”
“No, you’re turning your back on it.”
“I don’t understand.” I said, reaching up to rub my head. “Me leaving the agency was fine when I was in the state, but now all of a sudden it’s not? Why?”
“Because, how are you going to help out at all?”
“Help out with what, Matt?” I was trying hard not to get frustrated, but it was becoming hard. I really was confused as to what he was talking about.
“Help out with saving the agency!”
“Matt, I’m doing what I can do save the agency – which happens to be leaving for a little while. The agency is way past doing some fundraisers to get them out of this hole, we need more than that. They’re doing some emergency grant writing, which is the only thing I could help with if I stayed. And believe me, I’m helping out more if I’m leaving.”
“I just don’t get why you’re the one who has to go.”
“Matt, is this really about the agency? Or is it about us?”
“What?” He said, looking up at me. “No. I mean I don’t want you to leave for the agency but… I just don’t get why they couldn’t send someone else.”
“Who else are they going to send? The only person there that has the qualifications needed is Sandy, and she has a husband and a son here. And my salary is pretty significant, Matt. Cutting it will save them a lot of money. Look, I love the agency, I really do. I don’t want to see it go under either, and I’m trying to do what I can to help. I also am realistic, and reality is, our situation does not look good. This place with give me new experiences, teach me new skills, look great on my resume, and give me more contacts. And, if you haven’t noticed, my social life is also in ruins. Really, this opportunity is a win for everyone, and it couldn’t have come at a better time.”
“I guess you’re right.” He said, refusing to look at me.
“I was wondering too… If you wanted to stay at my house while I was gone? Keep an eye on it? I mean if you don’t want to pay rent here while you’re living somewhere else, I understand, and I can ask Brook. But, I’ve known you longer, and I figure it might be getting cramped with…”
“Actually, it’s funny you should mention that…” He said, now refusing to look at me and seeming nervous.
“What?” I asked.
“Jessica's is moving in. Well. She pretty much already has moved in. But they want to make it she pays rent and is on the lease official. We were going to tough it out here until the lease was up, but I think the place is kind of small for three people, and I don’t want to watch them play house.”
“Huh.” I said, processing the information. “They’re that serious?” I asked, unsure if I really wanted the answer.
“I don’t know El…” Matt’s voice was soft, gentle. “I mean to be really honest with you, she is the one who is initiated all this big plans, and she’s definitely pushy. But, he’s also not putting up much of a fight.”
I worked my jaw, trying to fight back tears. I wondered if it would be like Jason all over again, and I’d watch Drew get married to someone else.
“Hey.” He said, reaching his arm out to touch mine. “If it makes you feel any better, it seems like he’s more… Complacent. As if he just is letting things happen.”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter I guess.”

We sat there in silence for a few moments. I knew that I probably looked like someone had just shot my puppy, and I didn’t want to walk out and let them see my like that. In fact, I didn’t want them to know my business at all.

“I don’t want Drew to know I’m leaving, OK?”
“Why not?” He asked, confused.
“He initiated the cut off. He’s the one who didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I know it might sound really childish, but I just… If he’s not going to be in my life, this isn’t something he needs to know. It’s not like I’m going forever, you know? If he asks where I am while I’m gone, you can tell him then.”
“I don’t like that Ella.”
“You don’t have to like it, Matt. You just have to respect it.”
“I don’t like lying to my friends.”
“You aren’t lying. You’re omitting the truth.”
“Fine. But I want it on the record that I don’t like this. At all.”
“So noted.” I said, winking at him.

We sat and ate some doughnuts, catching up on the time we spent apart, and discussing how the move in would go. I wouldn’t charge him rent as long as he did basic up keep of the house. He was a little bummed that I was taking Cumulus with me to Colorado.

“You should leave him Ella. Then you don’t have to worry about him while you’re learning the ropes of your new job.”
“Uh uh. No way. I’d miss him way too much.”
“But I’ll miss him too.” Matt fake whined.
“I know, but he’s not your dog.”
“I know. I miss having one.”
“You should get one.” I said.
“I’m not allowed pets here.”
“Well, you’ll be in my place. You can have a dog there. Then you’ll just have to find a place that allows dogs when I come back. Or, if you don’t want to mess with that, just call the Stop the Suffering. That’s the place I fostered Cumulus from. Temporary dog for you, AND you’re doing a good deed. Both those things help you score with the ladies.” I said, winking at him.
“I’ll think about it.” He replied. “Won’t be as good as Cumulus though.”
“That’s cuz no dog is as good as my dog.”

Later, Matt got up and walked me out. Thankfully, neither Jessica or Drew were to be seen.
“She probably got irritated that you were still here and made him leave.” Matt speculated.
“Whatever. As long as I don’t have to see her.” I replied, giving him a hug.

The next week was a blur. Announcing at work that I was leaving, helping out with the grant writing while I was still there, trying to explain to my kids that it was only a temporary assignment (I didn’t have the heart to tell them that the agency might be closing down.) I was also doing a lot of paperwork for the new job, for both Cumulus and I, as well as making lists for what I still needed to buy for my trip. I was also trying to spend time with Brook, who was sad that I was leaving so soon after I had met her.

A few days before I was scheduled to leave, I was upstairs packing my bags. It was sort of sad to see my life laid before my in those two duffle bags, but also sort of freeing. This is what was important to me, this is what I needed, this is what I was choosing to take with me. I felt almost as if I was shedding some of my skin, and honestly I was exciting to see what this whole thing was going to bring me. The doorbell rang.

“Come in!” I called downstairs. I was expecting Matt, who had been bringing his stuff over a couple boxes at a time to try to avoid renting a truck. I heard him walking up the stairs, and I zipped up one of my bags before turning around to greet him.

I swear my eyes almost fell out of my head when I saw that it was Drew, standing in my door way instead.

“So it’s true.” He said, eyeing my bags. “You are leaving.”

New post below

A little vent (and it kind of explains what to me so long to post this)

First, let's start with Eli, who has suddenly become attached to me. I know it's a phase, and I kind of remember Cayden going through it, but either I'm blocking it out, or Cayden's wasn't this bad. Eli will no longer sleep without me. In our bed, he sleeps pretty much all night (this morning was the latest he's slept in awhile, 9 AM. And I think he only woke up then because I got up) Which sounds awesome, only I don't sleep well with him in my bed. I need to break him of it, but a.) I feel bad. I kind of think his teeth are FINALLY coming in, and if he's in pain, then I don't want to deny him cuddles. and b.) We tried one night. All that happened was he woke up Cayden and I had two upset kids to deal with.

Secondly, I have a huge project due next week. It's a group project, which I guess is supposed to make things easier. Only out of 6 of us, only 3 have responded on what section they want to cover. I'm not a fan of our teacher (she's super anal - which is fine, but then when I had a question about something she's been nothing but rude in her responses)and she has said that if we wait till the last minute to work on the project, she's taking off points (it's a website, she can see when we edit, so she'll know.) We also have to turn in the text section to this site to scan for plagerism, which can take 24 hours to do, and if it picks up something, we have to fix it and re-scan. Basically, we need to turn it in a few days early to make sure it's good. So we really need to be done like, Monday. First, I don't think it's fair that if we wait till the last minute we get counted off. I do understand that waiting till the last minute might mean shitty work, but it might not. If it's done, and it's done right, it shouldn't matter WHEN it was done. Secondly, it's annoying that in a group project, half the people didn't respond. The good thing about her knowing WHEN we edit is that she also knows WHO edits - so if people don't do anything, it's going to show. But I also don't want to cover someone's section, and then have them pop up pissed off that it's done and they have nothing to do. It's really annoying and I really hate group projects.

So basically, I've been busy being stressed and annoyed, ha ha. So I was REALLY happy to get a free time to write about something that wasn't the topic of our project.

I've gotta figure out what's going on in this head of mine

I slept well that night – for the first time in a long time. I felt relieved, like I was finally, maybe, starting to get a grip on things. I knew in a sense, I was running away, but I felt like this time it was different. I wasn’t running to Jason or Drew to fix my problems – I was taking a breather and some time to figure out how to fix them myself. It was a time out of sorts, a pause button.

I really should have done it a while ago, but to be honest, I was just terrified of being alone (as if you hadn’t realized this already.) It was about time I sucked it up, grew up, and faced my fears.

When I woke up the next morning though, I realized there was something I had to do – something I also really didn’t want to do. I needed to apologize to Matt, and tell him I was leaving before they announced it at work. He deserved a personal apology, and he also deserved to hear why I was leaving. That part wasn’t what I was dreading though. I knew in order to talk to Matt, I was going to have to surprise him (otherwise, I highly doubted he was going to talk to me.) Which meant going to his apartment. Which meant possibly running into Drew – who I did not want to see, nor did I want to tell him I was leaving.

I got dressed simply, in a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt. I got in my car, and stopped by Krispee Kreme. I was stalling, but I figured Matt would be less likely to turn me away if I came baring hot and fresh gifts. I think drove the short drive to their apartment – where I sat in my car for ten full minutes before I finally talked myself into walking and knocking on their door.

I nearly threw up when Jessica opened the door. It was a scenario I should have expected, but didn’t. Her hair was mussed, she was in pajama pants, and with a pang in my heart, I realized she was also wearing one of Drew’s shirts. Clearly, she had spent the night. Clearly, she was not happy to see me.

“Hi.” I said, surprised at how calm and even my voice sounded. “I need to speak to Matt, is he home?”
“He’s asleep.” She answered, and started to shut the door.
“I can wake him up. It’s kind of important.”
I watched her look me up and down, and saw the slight shake of her head, as if she was going to tell me no again, when Drew walked up behind her.

“Who is it Jess?” And then when he saw me, “oh.”
“Hi. I need to talk to Matt.”
“I told her he was sleeping.” Jessica said to Drew. “Late night, he was out with one of my friends.” She said to me, a smirk on her face. I knew she had known that Matt and I had a fling, and I knew she said it to try to get a dig at me.
“That’s fine. Ten minutes is all I need and then he can go back to sleep. Or, you guys can tell him that I had a work issue, and explain that since you wouldn’t let me see him, it might cost him his job. Up to you.” I lied. I felt a little bad about lying, but not bad enough to not do it.
“Such a pressing work issue that you had time to stop and get doughnuts?” Jessica said.
“I figured since I was coming over so early, the least I could do was bring breakfast. But you know, I have things to do, and I don’t really have time to be wasting. When Matt gets up, tell him to call me.” I said, and I turned to walk away.
“Ella, wait!” Drew called after me. I turned around to see him holding the door open for me. Jessica was clearly pouting in the background.
“Thank you.” I answered, walking past him and back into Matts room. I shut the door behind me, which I’m sure pissed her off – but again, they didn’t need to hear what I was talking to him about. Let them think it was work. Hell, let them think I was fucking Matt’s brains out. I didn’t care anymore.

I sat down on the edge of his bed, and paused to look at his sleeping figure. He was so tall, his feet hung over the edge of the bed. Looking at him, I felt an insane amount of guilt pass over me for what I had said to him. Matt hadn’t ever hurt me. Why did I want to hurt him so badly?

I reached out and gently shook his shoulder. He stirred for a moment, but didn’t wake. I shook a little harder, and his eyes popped open. It took him a second, but then he focused on me.

“Am I dreaming?” He asked.
“No. Why, do you dream of me often?” I asked, unable to hide my smile.
“No. You’re just the last person I’d expect here.” He said. He stretched. “Everything OK? What are you doing here?”
“I needed to talk to you. I figured you wouldn’t answer the phone if I tried to call and set a meeting up. So I ambushed you. It wasn’t easy, your guards tried to turn me away.”
“My guards?” He asked, confused. He rubbed his eyes and sat up further in bed.
“Drew and Jessica.” I said, resisting the urge to call her a guard dog. “I come baring krispee kreme as a peace offering?” I said, opening the box.
“You know it’s going to take more than doughnuts.” He said. Still, he took one.
“I know.” I said, sighing. “Matt, what I said to you… It was uncalled for. And mean. I said it just to hurt you, and you didn’t deserve that. You’re right. I was trying to push you away.”
“Why?” He asked.
“I don’t know. My head is fucked, that’s all I’ve got. And, I mean, for a long time, all Jason and I were, were friends with benefits. I guess I didn’t want to go down that road again. I should have just talked to you, but I didn’t. I’m finding communication is one of my weaker points.”
“I’m not them, you know.”
“I know that. Drew isn’t Jason. You aren’t Drew or Jason. Seth isn’t Drew or Jason. Jason isn’t Drew. I feel like I spend all my relationships blaming the guy for things another guy did. I think I really just need to take a break from relationships, I really need to get over everything, so with the next guy, I can start fresh. No baggage. No blame.”
“What are my chances of being that next guy?” He asked.
“I don’t know. And that’s the truth. I like you as more than a friend, Matt, but I LOVE you as a friend, and after losing so many friends to relationships… I just don’t want to go down that road again. But, I also can’t predict the future. I just can’t say.”
“Fair enough. I missed you.”
“Even with hanging out with Jessica's friends?” I said, smirking.
“She told you I went out with her friend?”
“Yeah, she told me you were still asleep, because you had a late night with one of her friends.”
Matt laughed. “Yeah. Her friend called about ten last night. Had a flat tire. I went out and changed the tire for her. I was home by eleven-thirty.”
“She really hates me, huh?”
“Hate’s a strong word. You intimidate the hell out of her.”
“There’s something else I came to tell you… I wanted to tell you before anyone else.”
“Uh oh. You aren’t pregnant, are you?”
“No. But… Sandy came to me with a proposal. The agency was about to make some people take furloughs. We all know there are some people there who can’t afford that, so she wanted to get rid of some people so that wouldn’t happen.”
“You got fired?” Matt asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No… Sandy has a friend who runs another camp. I interviewed there and I got the job. It’s a temporary thing – the hope is that while I’m gone they can write some grants and get some more funding. But, they don’t have to pay my salary while I’m there, which means they can keep other staff on. I’ll be gone for six months.”
“I’ll miss you at work, but it sounds like a really awesome situation. Thanks for taking one for the team.”
“It is a really awesome opportunity for me. But, here’ts the thing…” I said, hesitating for a moment. I had no idea how Matt was going to react, and I was kind of afraid. “I have to go to Colorado for it.”

*phew*

I didn't do that great on my test - but I did alright, a lot better considering I didn't really know the material. However, I did worse on my math test than I thought I would (I think I'm just a horrible tester in math. I hate math, it intimidates me, but at home I really understood the material and was honestly shocked when I saw my grade - which was ok, but not great or even good.)

Anyway, I've pretty much finished up most of my homework for this week (I have a part of an assignment due in one of my classes, and then a couple things due in English, but I'm pretty good in English and feel OK with procrastinating a little) I need to start working on a project for another class, but the whole point in telling you all this is that I hope to have a post up Thursday or Friday (maybe even tomorrow!)

Thanks for baring with me - the schedule might get a little wonky in weeks to come - I will try to keep to one post a week, but I dunno if it'll always fall on a Monday. I will try to let you know if it needs to be postponed though!

No post on Monday

Sorry guys. We have a crazy busy weekend AND I overlooked the fact that I have a test due Monday that I am not prepared for at ALL, so I have to cram all weekend. I do plan on having it up sometime next week, just not Monday.

It's not so bad, you're only the best I ever had

---Sorry it's late. I stayed up late last night and SWORE I posted it before I went to bed, annnnd then I checked the blog tonight and either it didn't post or I didn't.---------

Miserable. Pathetic. Lonely. Angry. Desolate.

Those would be the top five words I would use to describe my life right now. Do you have any idea how badly it hurts to realize THOSE are the words to describe your life? Even worse, there’s nobody you can blame. It’s all my fault.

The thing is, after he left, I sobered up pretty quickly. A slap in the face will do that to you, and Matt had verbally slapped me pretty hard (and no, I can’t say that I didn’t deserve it.) I realized he was correct. I was pushing everyone away. With Drew, being forced away hurt, so I think I figured that pushing everyone away would hurt a lot less than waiting for them to push me away. I realized that was a flawed way to think about things, but it also made me see just how damaged I was. I needed to get away – and not to Jason out in California, or to anyone anywhere else. I needed to get away, by myself.

It was late, and I was tired, but I logged on to my computer anyway and sent out a few emails to people I had made connections with who worked in other camps in other places. It was a long shot, I realized, and I knew leaving the agency was going to be hard, especially in the shape it was in. But, I was afraid if I didn’t go, I was going to go insane.

It’s not like work was that great anyway. Despite the money issues, Matt wouldn’t speak to me. Or at least, I assumed he wouldn’t. I hadn’t really tried. I had called him the next day and apologized to his voicemail, but he hadn’t returned the call, and at work, he went out of his way to not speak to me. If he had a work related thing that he absolutely couldn’t talk to anyone else about, he emailed me. And even his emails were short, to the point, and cold.

I had also gotten a few emails back about my job search, and had sent my resume to a few different people. As I predicted, it was a long shot. A few people emailed me back to let me know that their agencies were facing budget cuts themselves. I was beginning to get discouraged when Sandy, the senior social worker walked in and shut my office door behind her.

“I have a proposition for you.” She said, sitting down in the chair across from my desk.

“You sound like the God-father.” I joked. “What’s with all the hush hush?”

She sighed, deeply, and ran a hand through her hair. “We’re trying to keep the negative quiet. Morale and all. But, Ella, it’s really not looking that great. They’re talking about furloughs.”

“Forced days off? Fuck.” I thought about a couple of my co-workers, and how one had just confided in me that she was having issues feeding her daughter on what she made right now. Cutting hours would just hurt her even more.

“I know. But, we did the budget, and if we could get rid of a few people, it would give us some more time to write some grants or try to come up with a better idea.”

“So you want to let people go?” I asked, thinking that was even worse than cutting back hours.

“Not exactly. Here’s my proposition. I know you’ve been looking for jobs elsewhere… I’ve had a few friends tell me that you asked. And I totally understand, with the way things are around here… Things are stable. And, I can tell you and Matt are having some issues.”
“That obvious, huh?” I said, frowning.

“You two went from being inseperable to not even looking at each other. Yeah, it’s obvious.”

“Look, I’m really happy with everything the agency has taught me, and I’m sad to leave it. But, I do think it is time. And maybe I should have talked to you guys about that before, and given you a heads up… But I just didn’t think about it before I sent those emails.”

“I didn’t come in here to yell at you about some emails you sent, Ella. Randy told you guys to put out your resumes, and he meant it. The agency is in some serious shit right now, and we don’t know if anyone us will be able to keep our jobs. It’s noble to go down with a sinking ship, but it’s not smart and nobody here expects you to do that.”

“So what’s your proposition then?”

“I have a friend in Colorado who runs a camp for at risk kids, but not like what we work with here. A lot of them have wealthy parents, but they act out. It’s like, a last stop before juvie type of deal. She has an opening. It’s really more of a paid internship, it’s not permanent. But, it really is kind of perfect. You go out there for a few months, the agency doesn’t have to pay you, you get more experience…”

“It sounds almost too good to be true, Sand. I mean what exactly does the program entail?”

“Honestly, Ella, I’d take this job if it weren’t for the husband and the kids. I can’t relocate. It’s a really interesting mix of therapy and hands on work. I can get you the brochure, and if you’re interested, I can have Tess call you for an interview and she could explain more. I’m sure it’s not always an easy job – you are working with kids with behavior problems – but, again, I think it’s an interesting one.”

I thought about it for a moment. It’s what I wanted, right? A way out? A break? A new experience? And if the agency really was going down in flames, this sounded like a nice add to the resume.

“Give me the brochure, and set up the interview. It wouldn’t hurt anything to hear more about it.”

“I knew you’d say yes, so she’ll be calling you tonight around eight, at home. Is that good? If you have other plans, I can let her know.”

“Nope. No other plans. I’ll be at home. Like always.”


Sandy left and then stopped by a little later to drop off the brochure. I read it over, and then spent the rest of the work day googling the camp. Like Sandra said, it was a really neat mixture of therapy and work. The camp was actually on a working farm, and the kids were expecting to care for the farm and the general run of things. Most of the feedback I looked up was positive – which surprised me. In this line of work, parents tended to get unhappy if they didn’t see instant results, or when their kids experienced set backs. But, this camp seemed to also place emphasis on home therapy as well, and even had a weekend where the families would come up and also work on the farm doing various things.

When Tess called that night, I was insanely nervous. I hadn’t been on an interview in… Well, the agency interview was pretty much my first interview. I had been with them forever. I was also a little sad at the thought of leaving them, even temporarily.

However, the conversation flowed naturally, and Tess was easy to talk too. Maybe too easy. I worried, for a moment, that I had talked too much, but at the end of the conversation, she offered me the job. I agreed, a lot more quickly than I thought. She had informed me that Cumulus was welcome on the farm as long as he passed a tolerance test and I could show his shot record. I had three weeks and then I would be on a plane to Colorado.

I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong

“So.” Brook said, plopping down on the couch, popping a piece of popcorn in her mouth. “What’s the deal with you and Matt?”

It had been weeks since Brook and I met at the gym. Work fiasco was solved, for now, but my boss had warned us that it was basically duct taping a dam, and that if we didn’t find a real solution soon, we were going to drown. Camp was in session, but it was a day camp only. It was insanely weird to be at home in the summer – something I hadn’t done since I was 18. My nights were usually pretty lonely and slow going – so I tried to fill them with Brook, bad reality television, and Matt.

“I don’t know what you mean? We’re just friends.” I said, settling down next to her. We had a ritual – gym, a healthy dinner, and then we’d veg out in front of the TV and usually cancel out our healthy dinner and workout with junk food.

“He sleeps over. I mean I can’t tell you the last time I had regular sleep overs with a guy who was just my friend.”

I shrugged. “I get lonely sometimes.”

“You know, there’s a solution for that. You could get a boyfriend. And Matt seems like a good option.”

“Uh uh. I don’t do boyfriends.” I hadn’t spilled the whole messy detail to Brook yet, and I wasn’t really sure if I was going too. The whole Jason-Drew-Me triangle seemed so dramatic and ridiculous, I was almost embarrassed. And I was definitely embarrassed to admit that while it had been weeks, I still couldn’t bring myself to speak Drew’s name. He seemed to have had such an easy time erasing me from his life, and I just couldn’t do it. But, I could give the illusion that I had, so. That’s what I was trying to do.

“Are you a lesbian?” Brook asked. At first I thought she was joking, and didn’t answer. After a few minutes of silence, I turned to see she was looking at me intently.

“Oh you’re seriously asking?” I asked. She raised an eyebrow. “No, I’m not a lesbian.”

“Well, not that there’s anything wrong with it. I just didn’t want to be pushing guys on you when you wanted girls.” Brook answered.

“I’ve just had one complicated relationship after another, and I’m not looking to jump into another.”

“You don’t think the whole friends with benefits thing is extremely complicated?”

“No.” I lied.

“Huh. Well. I do. I mean you’re never really sure where you stand. What if he’s hooking up with someone else and not telling you? I mean even if emotionally, you don’t care, don’t you care physically? I mean to protect yourself?”

“Matt’s not hooking up with someone else. And I highly doubt he has the desire to hook up with someone else, anyway.”

“Yeah, but… Don’t you have to wonder why that is? I mean that means he obviously wants you. Aren’t you afraid it’s all going to blow up in your face?”

I didn’t really know what to say. I had been afraid of that very thing, but I also knew that Matt was a crutch that I was not yet ready to get rid of. I knew in a sense that I was using him, and I was a bitch for doing so, but I excused it with the fact that he knew where I stood.

“Where is Matt, tonight, anyway?” Brook asked. Even though reality tv night was SUPPOSED to be a girls thing, Matt regularly crashed it.

“At the bar. With some friends.” I said. Matt hadn’t said WHICH friends he was meeting at the bar, but I knew by the fact that he omitted that information, plus the fact that he hadn’t invited me along, meant that it was Drew, and probably his little twat of a girlfriend. I’ve never really disliked a person I didn’t really know before, but just hearing her name made my blood boil. “We should have our own bar here… Play some drinking games.” I suggested.

“Ooooh, I’ve never played a drinking game before!” Brook said, clapping her hands together.

Famous. Last. Words.

Four hours and an insane amount of shots later, Brook was half stumbling, half being carried to the car by her fiance, who I had had to call to come get her. He seemed annoyed, but also sort of amused, as Brook kept professing her love to him, and how happy she was that she had met such a good friend in her new hometown.

The night was warm, so after I watched their car drive off, I sat on the front porch, letting Cumulus explore the front yard. I wasn’t surprised when a few moments later, a car pulled into my driveway. Matt was spending more time here than he did at home anymore.

“Hey.” He said, shutting his car door. “What are you doing outside?”

“Just hanging out. B just left. We got a little drunk.” I said, trying not to slur my words.

“I can tell.” He said, smirking and walking up the walk.

“Where were you?” I asked, bumping his shoulder with mine. “We expected you to crash.”

“I told you I was going out to the bar.”

“Oh yeah?” I knew I was stepping into dangerous territory, but I didn’t care. “Who’d you go with?”

“Just some people.” He answered, looking slightly uncomfortable.”

“Do these people have names?” I asked. I knew who it was. Matt knew I knew who it was. But, for some reason, I needed to hear him say it.

He sighed. Loudly, and I could tell he was worried and annoyed. “Drew. Jess and some of her friends – Heather, Stacy, Jazmine…”

“Jazmine? Seriously? What, does she have stripper friends?” I scoffed.

“Ella, don’t go there. Jazmine’s not a stripper and she’s really nice…”

“If she’s so nice, why didn’t you go to her house? At my house I can say what I want about who I want.”

“Are you jealous?” He asked, turning to look at my face.

“Of what? Of you hanging out with other girls?” I laughed. “No. You can hang out with whoever you want.”

“Then where’s all this anger coming from, El?”

“Who’s says I’m angry?”

“You’re attitude, says you’re angry, Ella. I come here to see you, and you bite my head off and start talking crap about my friends.”

“Ooooh so now her friends are your friends. I see. I get it. Why don’t you just go, Matt? Why don’t you go home, and you and Drew and Jessica can all hang out together, and have tons of fun, and forget all about me.”

“So, you’re saying if I’m friends with them, I can’t be friends with you? Isn’t that a little middle school?”

“You know, maybe it is. But I also think it’s pretty middle school to be friends with someone for decades pretty much, and then drop them because your girlfriend is too insecure to handle it.”

“Ohhhh so that’s what it’s about. I’m not Drew, Ella. You can’t punish me for what he did. I’m really tired of you comparing the two of us all the time. I’m not him.

“I know you’re not him, Matt. I tell myself that every night when I go to bed with you and wish it was him.” I blurted out, angrily.

Matt looked at me, a wave of hurt passing over his face. Then he shook his head and walked to his car.

“You win.” He called over his shoulder. “You have officially succeeded in pushing everyone away.”

And with that, he slammed his door and drove away.

Oh simple thing where have you gone I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

Matt and I went back to my house that night, and I let him sleep in my bed. I know, probably not the best thing for my new independent attitude, but life was going to hell anyway, I might as well have a warm body next to me while it did. The odd thing was, he didn’t even attempt to fool around with me. Just slipped in behind me, wrapped his arms around me, and we both passed out.

I woke up the next morning to the alarm blaring and groaned.

“Is it totally horrible of me to say I just want to blow off the rest of the week?” I asked, throwing an arm over my eyes.
“Yes.” Matt answered, stretching his shirt rode up and I could see his abs.
“I could think of better things I could do with my time.” I said, walking my fingers up his stomach to his chest.
“You don’t mean that.” He said, taking my hand and holding it.

That gesture felt way too personal for me, so I untangled it and sat up, dangling my legs over the edge of the bed.

“I just feel like I’m boarding a sinking ship, is all.”
“I think you just need a different perspective on things. There’s a lot more to drink when the glass is half full.”
“Those thoughts are too deep for this early in the morning, Mr. Matt.” I said, ignoring him and heading to the shower.

I stayed into the shower until the water ran cold, which wasn’t all that long since Matt was probably using up his share of hot water in the bathroom downstairs. I hated the fact that I was dragging my feet, especially when work was something I used to feel so passionate for. I had told Matt that it was because the business was in danger of ending, but I wondered if it was really that. If the agency wasn’t failing, would I still be in love with it? Or was it just time for me to move on?

Work was a bunch of endless meetings after meeting. Which is the part I hated MOST about my job. Meeting felt so useless, it was just talk. I’d rather be doing. We brainstormed ideas on how to raise ideas, we brainstormed ways to cut costs, we brainstormed what a stay at the agency camp would look like. My brain felt like it had just been hit by a storm when I was done. I was counting down the days until it was Friday.

I walked out to the parking lot to find Matt in the driver’s seat.
“What are you doing?” I asked, confused.
“Get in. I know just what you need.” Was his mysterious reply.

“Really?” I asked, as we pulled up in front of his gym. “This is what I need? Way to kick a girl when she’s down.”
“I’m not saying you NEED the exercise for your body. But it will help with your mind. Endorphins and all.”
“I didn’t bring work out clothes.”
“I packed some for you in the backseat.”
“Matt, I’m about to lose my job. I shouldn’t sign up for an expensive gym membership.”
“Well, one, you don’t know you’re losing your job, and two, you can come in on my guest pass until you decide if you like it or not.”
“I…”
“Get out. Get in there. Now.” He said, exiting the car.

We signed in, and I changed, and Matt led me upstairs. I mounted an elliptical machine and expected Matt to climb onto the one next to me, but instead he turned to walk away.

“Where are you going?” I asked.
“To work out?” He asked. “I’m going to lift.”
“Maaaaatt.” I whined. “Don’t leave me.”
“It’ll be fine. Work out. Enjoy it.” He said as he walked away.
I sighed. Loudly. It caught the attention of the girl on the machine next to me.

“I feel you.” She said in a slightly out of breath and twangy tone. “I hate working out alone too.”
“I didn’t even want to come.” I said, aware that I sounded like a spoiled brat.
“Well you certainly don’t need to be here! Look at you. Eat a sandwich.” She said. “Oh man, I meant that as a joke, sometimes I need a filter for my mouth, I hope you’re not offended.”
I laughed. “Not at all. I’m supposed to be here for the endorphins or something.”
“You don’t need endorphins if you have prozac.” She said. “Oh, there goes my mouth again!”
“It’s OK. Really. You’re funny. You’re not from here, are you?” I asked.
“Nope. Is it the accent, or the rudeness? I swear my Momma raised me better than that.”
“It’s the accent. People are rude here, too. Where ya from?”
“Memphis, Tennessee. I came up here for my boyfriend. Who works all the time. So I had to find something to do to fill my time… I thought maybe I could lose some of this.” She said, gesturing to her body.

She was chunky, but it looked right on her, if that made any sense. Some people had an extra ten pounds and it looked like a hundred. She had curly brownish red hair piled on top of her heart shaped face, big brown eyes, and a wide friendly smile.

“Is that your boyfriend?” She asked, nodding towards Matt. “He’s cute.”
“Nope. Just a friend and co-worker.”
“Well, he’s still cute. What do you do? If I’m talking too much, you just tell me to zip it.”
“No, it’s OK.” I said smiling. She was so bubbly it was cute. “I’m a social worker at a Settlement House. I work with inner city kids. How about you?”
“I just work at a stupid sandwich shop. Where I eat my embarrassment away. Obviously.” She said, smirking. “But I’m taking classes for insurance stuff. Totally a snooze-fest, but it makes good money, and there’s tons of opportunities here.”

Brook talked my ear off the rest of our workout, and then talked even more in the showers downstairs (we were separated by a shower curtain, so it wasn’t totally weird.) Normally I would get annoyed by such endless chatter… Especially after a day of what felt like nothing but endless chatter. But, Brook was different. She was bubbly, and funny, and… Refreshing.

Talking to her also made me realize how much I missed having friends. The guys had always been my friends, and they were gone. I had Toni, but she was so busy with her own life, and even when we were able to hang out… I felt like we had zero in common. I loved being around her, and her family, but I still felt like I couldn’t relate to her, or that she could relate. I found myself getting a little sad as I was getting dressed. It was nice to have company in the female form.

“OK, this might sound really weird, and you can say no if you want too… But would you want to hang out sometime? I don’t really know anyone here…. Oh listen to me, I sound like a little lost puppy. Seriously, feel free to say no, but even if you just wanted a work out buddy…”

“Yeah. That’d be nice. Give me your number and I’ll text you. Maybe show you around sometime?”

When I met Matt out front, I gave him a hug.
“What was that for?” He asked.
“I dunno. Must be the endorphins.”