New Blog!

There it is, the new blog. I know, I know, it took forever, and I have plenty of excuses, but I'm sure you all are tired of hearing excuses. I did have another blog in the works, but I started working on it, and it just wasn't right, so I scrapped it and went in another direction. I have one entry up and one on stand-by, and I have rough ideas for the next couple ones, so hopefully we'll be posted pretty steadily. Right now though I think I'm shooting for once a week until I get more material. Edited: Alright, I tried to directly link you to the blog, but for some reason it's not showing up, so you'll have to copy and paste it from here: http://lanielivingitright.blogspot.com

Just wanted to say that there is a new blog in the works :-) I ended up dropping my classes for this quarter (I was feeling pretty burnt out and was not doing well because I didn't want to do them, so I decided to take a quarter off and start fresh next quarter) I have two posts done now - they haven't been published yet because I'm taking the suggestion a couple of you threw out which is to build up a few before I start releasing. I'd like to have 8 stored up, but I also don't want to wait forever, so I may start posting when I have four. I'll post here when I start publishing though. Things that will be different - no publishing schedule. I'm shooting for once a week. We'll see how it goes. I'm not making a promise to finish this - I want too, but with NMTA I had a rough idea and this one I'm kind of shooting from the hip. I'm also writing directly in blogger where as before I had a word doc I used so lengths may be different. I miss you guys and hope everyone is doing well! I'm excited/nervous to see how you guys like this new one. I'm also terrified that it'll sound too much like Apathy, so here's hoping it doesn't!

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write. I took two english classes this quarter thinking it would be "easy" and really it's kicking my ass with the amount of things we've already had to write.

That was the end. I'm happy so many of you seemed to like it - it was something I honestly worried about a lot. I didn't want things to end perfectly. I didn't want to wrap everything up in a neat little package. But, I also didn't want to leave everyone scratching their heads and going WTF? I didn't want to end it, really, but I was just out of places to take it, and I didn't want it to be one of those blogs where everyone gets bored.

As for another blog, there is one in the works, but I get nervous. I don't want to start something else I can't finish. I don't want something that's an obligation rather than enjoyment. I do think I'll start one, but I'm not making any promises. I think it'll help if I keep posts on the shorter side though. I'll make sure to post here when it's up, I'm hoping to work on it soon, but I have a paper due Friday. Ugh. I wonder if I could get credit for writing the blog? ;-)

Thank you, by the way, to everyone whose stuck by me through the rocky times and the good times, and those of you who supported me in so very many ways. I appreciate all of you, and I'm glad you liked what I did enough to stick around till the end! <3

You better make it count cuz you can't get it back

I spent all of my relationships questioning everything, wondering where it was going to go. I was scared of being hurt, scared of hurting others, and in the end all the worrying usually led to causing pain all around. People say to let it go, just let it happen. It sounds so easy – who wants to worry all the time anyway? But I just never could figure out how to do that.

Then it just happened. I can’t tell you how I did it. Maybe I just go too tired to worry about what I had very little control over. Maybe it was because I was with Drew, who I had already hurt and been hurt by, and I knew that even though it wasn’t much fun, I did come out the other side OK. Maybe it just finally clicked that worrying wasn’t stopping the bad things from happening, so just to quit it. I don’t have any idea what happened, but when I left Drew for Colorado, I wasn’t worried. I knew whatever would happen, would happen. I couldn’t stop the future from happening, I could just ride the waves until I reached the shore.

That’s not to say going back to Colorado was easy. I missed home more than I thought I would, and I think the girls picked up on it. We didn’t go back to as bad as we were, but I knew that we would never have the bond that I did with my camp kids back home. I still tried though, and I think they did appreciate that. When it was time to go back home, it was Santana who volunteered to drive me back to the airport, and it felt an awful lot like our first day all over again. I didn’t bother trying to make conversation though, and neither did he. The more I sat, the more guilt I felt. I was doing exactly what he accused me of doing when I first arrived. I wasn’t in it for the long haul, I was just someone else who didn’t stick around. We rode in silence. We walked into the airport in silence. And standing in front of him at the terminal, I didn’t really know what to say, or if he’d say anything. I couldn’t read his features, I couldn’t tell if he was as disappointed in me as I felt he was.

“I know you’re disappointed in me for leaving, and I’m sorry.” I finally blurted out.
“Oh Ella.” He said, pulling me into a fierce hug. “I’m sorry I made you feel like that. I’m sorry I said those things. You fought a hard fight, and it was one more battle we won in the war, right?”

I nodded against his chest. I knew there was no use promises Santana that we’d stay in touch. We wouldn’t. But I was thankful for the time I got to spend with him, and I knew my life was better because of him.

And with one last squeeze, I turned and boarded the airplane. I didn’t look back. I was going home.

The funny part is though, I assumed I was going home to my old life. My old house, my old job, my old boyfriend. Shortly after I arrived home, my life got turned upside down.
The agency had received emergency funding which we thought was going to save us. I was all set to go back to work when I got the call that the emergency funding wasn’t going to come through. We had enough money to survive the week – and that’s if we cut down to a skeleton crew. I was asked not to come back. They simply couldn’t pay me.

I showed up anyway, as did the rest of the staff. We volunteered for that last week. We laughed, we cried, we told stories, and piece by piece, we packed up a building that was a big piece of who I was. I realized in recent years it had left me a little unsatisfied and disgruntled, but I really did love the agency. I loved the people, I especially loved my kids. My kids… What would they do without me? Who would they become without me? Would they be OK? Would I be OK? I don’t want to come off as egotistical, like I was these kids whole worlds but…. For some of them, we were the only adults who checked their homework. The only adults who asked how their day was. We were the only constant, the only source of rules and discipline, of interest and love. We were their safe place to go, their one last meal of the night. And now that was gone, and we had so little time to prepare them for it. I thought back to Santana now, of how we would become just another group of people who disappeared from their lives… And why? Because some politician decided some other organization needed the funding more. Maybe they did need it more… But, I’d like to know what criteria they were following, how they could make such a decision? It seems anymore we live in a world where you have to choose between the good things while getting hammered with an abundance of bad. I’m off on a tangent now, and that of course, doesn’t really matter. It was over, that’s all that mattered.

Saying goodbye to the agency was like a breakup – one that I took rather hard. I took to driving by the building, and sitting outside, watching it. (Yes, I was the creepy stalker girl in this breakup.) I wasn’t worried about another job – my Dad had let me know that I could work for him until I found another one. It was just… Worrying about my kids. Missing them. Feeling like I lost a piece of me.

Then Matt announced he was leaving. My Dad had offered him a job as well, but he denied it, and decided instead to go back to his original agency to see if they could incorporate some of our ideas into their agency. I wanted to tell him not to leave, to stay. That him leaving made this whole things a million times worse. But… I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t ask him to stay and not give him a reason too. I knew part of his reason for leaving was to get space from me, and I just couldn’t ask him not to do that. I let him go, and then I regretted it and felt selfish for regretting it.

Of course, when it rains, it pours. Two weeks after Matt left, my house caught fire. Faulty wiring. Everything wasn’t a loss, but there was a lot of damage, and after everything else, I just sort of lost it. I had figured I was coming home to my old job, my old friends, and my old life, and I had none of that.

I did go to work for my Father, but it didn’t last too long. That business is not the business for me, I was bored out of my skull. However, it did lead me to my next job. I now work with homeless teens, and using my father’s contacts, I am able to not only find them housing, but also occasionally able to hook them up with my father, who gives them work. I still miss my agency kids. I still talk to some. Some are doing well – I have a girl whose mother died and whose father is a crack head who is currently doing very well at a certain Big Ten school. I have another girl who although she had a baby, is currently taking very good care of that baby while putting herself through nursing school. I have a boy who just got a football scholarship. We’ve had our losses too – ones I don’t particularly like to think about, and we have the kids we’ve been unable to reach and have no idea where they are or what they’re doing. I’m not the praying kind, but I do send a prayer up every night for them.

Matt and I do talk, occasionally, but he tends to keep conversation short, and usually via some form of text communication: text messages, emails, chat on facebook. I’m sad about how it all went down, but I also understand. I think to some extent that I am Matt’s Jason. I hope that in time, we can be like Jason and I are now, and I hope that he’s not so busy looking at me that he misses his Drew.

Speaking of Jason, we’re finally back to a normal ground. It was awkward, seeing him when I was with Drew, and I never really was sure how to act. And then it just clicked, and we act just how we did when we all first met. Jason’s still in the Marines, but I have a feeling this will be his last go round. There’s a girl, and it’s looking pretty serious.

Drew is working for my father, which they both love. Drew loves building, and my Father is over the moon to have a “son”. It was weird at first, and to be honest, I was actually quite jealous in the beginning, but now I’m just glad they’re both happy. My Mother has warmed up to Drew as well, as much as my Mom CAN warm up to someone. We still haven’t worked out our issues, and I’m not sure we ever will, but at least she’s acting like she’s happy for me, so that’s an improvement.

As for Drew and I… Well, we’re good. We’re great, actually. After the fire, we decided to sell. The house wasn’t beyond repair damaged, but I know I felt that the house just had so many memories, and I think if Drew was going to move in with me, he wanted a place that was “us” rather than “me.”Drew. Through it all, he was amazing. When I was losing everything left and right, I raged pretty hard, but through my fits of crying, my dramatic ranting, my depression over another guy leaving… He was the old Drew. My rock. He handled me without making me feel like I was being handled. He took care of me but allowed me to feel like I was doing it all myself. And when he finally pulled me out of the funk, he didn’t mention it. Didn’t rub my face in it, didn’t treat me like I was some fragile being who was going to break at any moment. He just loved me. And I’ll spend the rest of my life loving him because of it.
I don’t really know what’s going to happen. I feel like Drew and I are probably headed for the alter, and probably sometime in the near distant future. But, I try not to worry about it. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

Out of the doubt that fills your mind, you finally find you and I collide.

I followed Toni around the mall, vetoing things, and giving in to things when I got tired of her nagging. I was only paying her half of my attention, but she didn’t seem to notice, she just chattered on. My mind was elsewhere – on Drew, and namely on having sex with Drew.

Maybe it was odd, but I hadn’t given it much thought. I mean I guess I figured it would happen at some point, and sure when we had made out on the couch that first night of officially decided to get back together, I had made the choice to pull back – we were taking things slow after all. But did Drew expect me to sleep with him before I left? Toni had said it like it was common knowledge that we’d be doing the nasty before I left.

I wanted to ask Toni what she thought, but I knew exactly what she’d ask. Why was it such a big deal? And I didn’t have an answer for that. Drew and I had known each other for forever, we had had sex before. It was a quick moment, for sure, but it had been done. So why did this just seem like such a big deal to me?

I tried to put it out of my mind. I tried to focus on spending time with Toni, but it’s all she could really talk about – Drew and I, and so it just brought me right back to my train of thought. I was glad when we arrived at her house and I got to wrestle around with the kids. I laughed and had fun and marveled over how much they had grown in the short time I had been gone. But, as I was walking out the door, Toni pressed a bag in my hand and winked at me.

“Have fun tonight.”

“Uh, thanks. I’ll see you later?”

“Sure. We’ll be over for a little bit.”

I tried to focus my attention on other things. Cleaning the house. Taking a shower. Stuffing the stuff Toni made me buy in the bottom of my closet where it would never see the light of day again. But my mind kept wandering back to Drew and I, and what would happen if we were alone. What if something happened? What if something didn’t happen? I was turning circles in my head, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it – whatever happened happened. I wanted to stop thinking about it, but I couldn’t.

Until people started showing up for the party, and it was amazing how quickly those feelings went away. I was so used to being surrounded by people, not having a moment to myself, that I wasn’t used to being alone with my own thoughts, and they consumed me. Being able to catch up with old friends, talk about the work situation, and laugh… I didn’t think about Drew at all. Sure, he was there, but I didn’t worry on what would happen, I just focused on what was, and how good it felt to be at home.

Catching up with my boss was especially fun.

“Ella!” He said, wrapping me in a warm hug. “We’ve missed you! How are things going? We for one can’t wait until you come back.”

“So there’s something to come back too?” I asked, feeling both hopeful and nervous to be hopeful.

“Nothing is for sure yet, but we’ve gotten a lot of press and we’re very hopeful this emergency funding will come through. People know we’re a lifeline, and they want to keep us open.”

I nodded. “I’m enjoying my time in Colorado, but to be honest, they aren’t my kids, you know? I’m ready to be home.”

“Well, we’re ready to have you. Not much longer, and hopefully you’ve learned a lot and can teach us.”

I nodded, and moved on to mingle with other guests.

My comfort, however, soon faded when a silent signal seemed to ripple through the party instructing everyone to leave. I busied myself, getting people their jackets, helping to find misplaced keys, and hugging people goodbye. Honestly, I was hoping for a few stragglers – you know, the people who never seem to know when to leave? But, this time there was only the one I feared the most.

I shut the door behind the last guest and turned to face Drew.

“Well. I guess we’re alone now.” I said.

“Finally.” He answered, walking up to me and putting his arms around my waist. “How is it possible that I miss you when you’re in the same room with me, simply because I’m not touching you?”

I laughed, sounding slightly nervous.

“What’s the matter?” He asked, leaning his forehead against mine. I had forgotten how easy it was for him to read me.

“Are we going to have sex?” I blurted out.

To his credit, he didn’t look nearly as surprised as I knew he must have felt. Instead, he just sort of laughed.

“Do you want to have sex?”

“I don’t know. I mean yes, but…”

“But what? We’ve done it before and managed alright.”

“I’m just scared Drew. I want this so much, and I wanted it so much for so long, and I just. I never thought it was going to happen. And now it’s like I’ve been handled some super fragile, expensive, irreplaceable work of art and I’ve been told not to break it. I don’t even want to move. I know we have to go forward, but it just seems…”

He kissed me. Slowly at first, and then deeper. His hands held my face to his, and then slipped down to lift me up so that I was wrapped around him.

“I have two options right now, El. I can take you upstairs, and we can see where it goes, or I can take you upstairs and we can go to bed. Either way is fine with me. I’m not going anywhere, and we can go at whatever pace you’re comfortable with going. We’ve both waited a long time for this, and I think… I think it’s a lot sturdier than you might believe.”

I kissed him then, and without me having to say anything, he carried me upstairs, laying me gently on the bed. I sat up and Drew reached for the bottom of my shirt.

“You want to do this, or not?” He asked quietly.

I couldn’t manage anything more than a slow nod. He gently tugged my shirt up and over my head. The look on his face took my breath away.

“I forgot just how beautiful you were.” He whispered before covering his body with mine.

We still took things slow. Inch by inch, we rediscovered each other. I learned things about Drew I didn’t know – where to kiss to make him gasp, where to touch that made him giggle, and a few other choice spots.

And then it was the moment I had been afraid of – Drew was poised over me, my arms above my head in surrender.

“Are you sure?” He asked, one last time.

Again, all I could manage was a nod.

“Oh Ella, I love you.” He whispered.

Then we became one.

New post

Will be up at some point tonight - it might be technically tomorrow (i.e past midnight) but it'll be up before I go to sleep. I had it half written and just jumped on to write the rest while Jer is running errands with the boys, but I must have forgotten to save - because the part I had written is gone. Usually it autosaves for me, but I can't find it, so I'm not sure what happened. It shouldn't take too long to crank back out.

I'm back! Kinda, lol. I've been MIA and have only skimmed a few emails (I slacked these last couple weeks in school so when I realized it was finals weeks I was like OH CRAP! One of my classes I didn't do great on the final but I had a really awesome grade in the class, so I still managed to get an A in the class, the other class I was average all the way through, so I think I have a B, and I don't want to talk about my third class - math. I'll be meeting the one again next quarter.)

I saw one suggestion to poll you guys and see where you would like to see the blog go - that is an awesome idea, and one I didn't think of! I read a few comments after that, but honestly I don't think I've been in my email for two days, so I'm a little afraid to go back (not just because I'm afraid some mean comments might be there - which I kind of am - but also because I'm sure there's 5 billion emails waiting me. So. Much. Junk.)

So... If I ended the blog today - what would you be pissed off that didn't get finished?

Some of the things I saw were:
What happens to Matt and Jason? (I may not be answering the Matt question - if I do another blog, he might be in it, so I don't want to spoil anything)
What's up with Ella's Mom?
What about Santana and the girls?

Anything else? I'll poll you through the weekend and then take a look at Sunday night - hopefully it inspires a post to go up that night or Monday :-)