It's just that the time was wrong...

I let Drew cry and sniffle for awhile, just holding him. Eventually though, he pulled away, wiping at his eyes with the backs of his hands.

“Sorry.” He said, his voice back to normal. “Just, things with Toni really threw me off.”

“It’s OK Drew… You’ve been through a lot. I just wish you had told me sooner.”

“It’s not a big deal.” He said, turning away from me and heading back to his hammer. “I can’t dwell on things right now. I really need to get this done. I mean Toni’s so stressed about the house not being ready on time… I need to get it done.”

I was quiet for a moment, debating whether or not I should push him further or let it go. I decided to drop the subject. He had already revealed so much tonight, and I was terrified that if I pushed him anymore, he’d clam up for good.

“Well… I mean, could I help?”

He laughed, but in a kind way. “No offense Ella, but I really need someone who knows what they’re doing. If I have to teach you how to do things, it’s just going to slow me down.”

“Hey!” I said, pretending to take offense. “I know what I’m doing… Sorta.” The truth was, if it didn’t come with instructions, I had no idea how to put it together. And most of the time I got extremely frustrated with directions.

“Yeah. Right.” He answered.

“Well…” I trailed off, trying to tread lightly. “My new… Uh, friend… Seth. He offered to help with his brother. Their Dad owns a business and he says that they can do some basic home remodel stuff… If you really want help.”

I watched Drew’s back stiffen, and then his shoulders drop in defeat.

“I think… Maybe that would be a good idea. I mean, I’m not fully comfortable with it, but the fact of the matter is, I would like to at least get Toni into a real bed sometime soon. She can’t keep sleeping on that sofa bed. The more people helping… Well the faster we could at least get the rooms done.” He paused for a moment. “Jason’s coming.”

“What?” I asked, unable to hide the shock and surprise in my voice. “Jason’s coming… Here?”

“Yeah.” Drew answered.

“Why? When?” I asked, really unsure about how I felt about all this.

Drew sighed and dropped his hammer. “I called him after Toni’s thing… We haven’t really been talking lately, but I was upset and I didn’t really have anyone else… You and I have been weird, Toni and Nick were at the hospital… I didn’t really know who else to talk too.”

“Oh Drewbie.” I said, feeling both bad and guilty that he needed someone and thought that I wouldn’t be there. “Even when I’m angry at you, or things are weird between us, you can always come talk to me…”

He paused for a second. “You’re angry at me?”

I nodded.

“Why?” He asked.

I took a deep breath. “I just think how you’ve been acting has been a little… Unfair. And I mean, now that I know the whole story, I understand a little better… But I mean, you tell me not to wait for you, that I should date other people, and when I go on one outing that I wasn’t even sure was a date… I dunno, you acted all weird. I just hate that this is ruined, you know? I mean you and I were such good friends, and now look where we are. You don’t even feel like you can come talk to me when you’re upset.”

He sighed. “Yeah. Fair enough. I just don’t know what to do about us. I just feel like I have enough going on right now, that I really just can’t take on a relationship too. I know it might sound lame, but it’s like… I’m carrying around this angry for my Mom, and I’m struggling to keep it in all the time, and it’s like, I’m so scared that I’ll blow at the wrong person. I just really need some space.”

“Which is fine, Drew. I understand totally. But I just feel like if I sit around and wait for you, I’ll end up resenting you for it. However, on the other hand, I’m worried that if I get on with my life, that you’ll end up resenting me for that. I don’t want us to get to a place where we can’t get back together, or at least stay friends because we’re busy being pissed off at each other.”

“I know. I just… It’s a tough situation, you know? You’re what I always wanted. And now that I have you, it’s like the timing isn’t right. And it’s so frustrating.”

We were quiet for a moment, both lost in our own thoughts.

“Are you angry at me?” I ventured, breaking our silence.

“I’d be lying if I said no… But honestly, I don’t even know if I’d call it anger. It’s almost like… I want to be angry. At first I was angry, and then… I just couldn’t figure out what I was angry for. I think, mainly, that I’m just angry at our situation. It’s just that the time was wrong, you know? And that sucks.”

“I don’t know if I’d really blame timing. I messed up. I should have told you what happened between Jason and I. But, I honestly just… Wanted to forget about it.”

“I know.” He said. “It’s just… I mean part of it was like I felt like I was runner up to Jason all over again. Then another part of it goes back to my Mom. I just feel like… With her new boyfriend… He’s a replacement. She can’t have the real thing, me and my Dad, because it hurts her too much. So she found something almost as good. And I worried for a moment if maybe you were doing that too. Couldn’t be with Jason, but here’s Drew, and he’s almost as good.”

“That wasn’t the case at all!” I protested, then made myself calm down. “It was almost like… Like it was a habit, with Jason. I knew I didn’t want to do it, but I was so used to falling into the same old pattern, that it was just… Automatic. I love Jason, and I always will, he’s just been such a big part of everything that that’s never going to change. But more and more I realize I’m not in love with this new Jason. The old Jason is gone, and this new one just doesn’t measure up. As far as you… I mean it took me awhile to open my eyes and see you for who you really were. Jason clouded my world for so long Drew, it was all him, all the time, or nothing. But, you have to know Drew, you’re not a replacement for Jason, you’re not a runner up, you’re not a consolation prize. I just wouldn’t and couldn’t do that to you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it, but please know that my feelings are genuine.”

“I know Ella. It’s just… Complicated sometimes.”

I nodded in agreement.

Silence came over us again. I heard Cumulus bark in the backyard.

“Shoot!” I said jumping up. “I forgot all about him! I didn’t want to bring him in, I didn’t know if there were any nails or something laying around. I better get out there and take him home.”

“I’ll walk you.” Drew said, standing.

“You don’t have too. I know you said you had a lot of stuff to do around here.”
“I do. But I could use some fresh air.”

We left the house and walked most of the way to mine in total silence. Finally, about five feet from my front door, Drew spoke.

“Jason’s going to be coming into town… He had some leave and wanted to help. He’s going to be here Saturday, and is staying for two weeks… You OK with that?”

“I guess I kind have to be…” I said trailing off.

“No, you don’t. I mean I can tell him not to come…”

“No, no. Don’t do that. He and I had a talk and we’re going to try to work on being friends. Besides, I mean even if I had an issue, it’s about Toni, and helping her out… If I have a problem, I’ll just stay away.”

We were standing in front of my door now, our breath coming out in little puffs of white air. The porch light was on and it started to snow lightly.

“You can ask you friends to help… I mean, I won’t love it, but like you said, it’s really about Toni, and I just know she’ll feel so much better when the house is done. If we could at least knock out the majority of it… You know, make it livable, I’m sure she could breath easier. And I really want her in a real bed.”

“I know. I’m going to make her take my room when she comes home. She can have my bed. We can get Kyle’s toddler bed and set it up in the office, and Izzy can stay upstairs with me. That way I can take on getting up with her if she wakes at night, Toni won’t have to worry about it.”

“You’re really an amazing friend, you know that?” He said smiling down at me.

“You are too! I just know that if the shoe was ever on the other foot, you all would do it for me.”

He grew quiet then, his face serious now. He thought for a moment, then took a deep breath.

“I don’t want you to wait for me. I want you to go on with your life. I want you to date other people, because when you come back to me, I want you to know I’m the best possible person for you. I’ve known you were it since the day I met you. But you just talked about walking around in this Jason haze and not seeing anyone else… I want you to walk around haze free a bit, try your options out, and come back to me knowing that I’m it for you. I think that’s the only way to be fair to the both of us.”

“OK…” I said, but I was interrupted by him leaning forward and kissing me.
I felt my breath catch in my throat. The kiss was slow, and it was sweet, but there was also something else lingering in there… Passion, mixed with a little bit of anger…

It didn’t last nearly long enough, and when he pulled away, I stayed put, my eyes still closed, for just a moment longer.

“What was that for?” I called to him. He had already turned and started to walk back.

“To give you something to remember, while you’re doing all that searching.” He said. With a smile and a wave he was gone.

And I was left, more confused than ever.

Hey guys-

First of all, thank you guys for all the wonderful comments I've been getting lately. It really makes all of this worth it! I love you guys!

However, the bad news is, tomorrow's post is either going to be late or not at all... I'm so sorry about this, I know it's a REALLY bad time in the story to cut you guys off, but I've REALLY been hitting the gym, and we met with a trainer for a free workout and I didn't think that workout was hard, and today I am feeling it in every muscle I have. I didn't get to write today like I wanted (and I have fallen behind in keeping ahead) because Cayden was being a bit of... Well, for lack of better terms, a whiny brat. I thought I'd come home and write, but I did another kick ass workout (a friend told me if I worked out, my muscles would feel better. She lied) and I'm just done and I really am too tired to think. I wanted to skip food all together and go to bed, but I know that's bad for my metabolism, so I'm going to type this, get a snack, and hit the hay.

I still may get it done tomorrow, just don't expect it till later in the day, OK?

Sorry again!

Because when you're young it's okay to be easily ignored

He just looked at me with this blank stare, and I knew I had made the wrong decision. I should have stayed quiet, should have let Drew take his time, to speak when he was ready. I was beating myself over this decision, when Drew opened his mouth again.

“The thing is, even though I know I did take care of everything, I don’t know how I did it. My mind was totally blank, and all I kept thinking was ‘don’t panic’, but that just made me panic even more. It was like I was on auto-pilot. I didn’t control my actions, they just happened.” He fell quiet again.

I sat next to him quietly, hoping that my silence wouldn’t come across and boredom, or like I didn’t care. I thought the best thing to do would be just to sit there, so he knew I was there if he wanted to talk, but not pushing him. After a few moments, I slipped my hand into his, and was both surprised and relieved when he didn’t release it or reject me.

“That night… The night of the car accident. Jeez. They say things can change in an instant, and you don’t realize how right that is until it happens. One second we’re a really happy family, I was playing with the twins, Mom was singing along to the radio, Dad was cracking jokes about how bad Mom’s singing was. And then… It just stopped, and was replaced by the most God-awful noises. Screaming, crying, wheels squealing, metal grinding. Just horrible, and I wanted it to stop so badly, but when it did… Well, that happened all of a sudden too. Just total silence, and believe it or not, that was worse than all the other noises.”

He paused again, his breathing hard. I could see his eyes wet with unshed tears. He began again, his voice raw and rough.

“The second they told Mom the twins were gone… She died too. I mean she gripped her stomach and fell to the ground, just like Toni, and let out this moan that was so… Ghostly. She walked around for weeks after, acting just like a ghost. She would rarely look at me, but when she did… It was like she saw right though me. The few times she did register that I was there… Well, you could just tell what she was thinking. She looked at me and it was written all over her face: Why’d I have to lose two, in order to keep one? Could it have at least been the other way around?”

“Oh Drew, that’s not true.” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

“You think it’s not?” He asked, turning to face me for the first time. He pulled his hand away, angry. “Mom couldn’t even get out of bed most days. She didn’t take care of me at all. Dad tried, but he was working, trying to take care of Mom, and he was struggling with it too. So one night, a whole bunch of people just randomly showed up at our house. And they told me to go play, but of course, I just hid somewhere so I could listen. I was so desperate for attention, I just wanted to be in on whatever they were talking about. Turns out, they were talking about me.” He laughed when he said that last part. A bitter, choking laugh.

“The group was made up of family, like my Aunt, my Grandparents… Neighbors, a teacher that my Mom had become friends with before… They were talking about me, and what to do with me. They said I should go live someplace else, for just a little while… My Dad… He was so pissed off. Outraged. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but one part has stuck with me all these years… He slammed his fist down on the table, and my Dad… Well, you know him, he’s not like that. But he shouted at them… ‘Damnit, he’s MY son, I’ve already lost two other kids and I’m not losing him too. He stays with us, it’s where he belongs.’ When he did that… My Mom just broke down. Completely lost it. She started screaming at him. Said she couldn’t stand to look at me, and that her heart broke ever time she did. She said she just wanted to die.”

That last part hung in the air for a minute, between us. My heart broke for little boy Drew, and I just wanted to go there and scoop him up out of his hiding place and love him. It was a horrible thing that happened, but it had happened to them all.

“I look back now, and I wonder why they didn’t send her somewhere. I mean she really needed some serious mental health help. But, they didn’t. They let her stay, and they let me stay. My Dad, he tried really hard. He was better about coming home, and he took care of me, but it was still… I was alone a lot. He was balancing a lot of things, and it wasn’t his fault. I don’t know how much I blame my Mom. It wasn’t her fault either but… She didn’t come out of her room. For weeks. Every night I would go to bed thinking, tomorrow I will wake up and Mom will be cooking breakfast and the twins will be in their booster seats, and it’ll all be over. One day I did wake up, and while the twins were still gone, and Mom wasn’t cooking breakfast, she was up and out of her room. She did pack my lunch. She slowly got with it, but again, she was just… Going through the motions, and doing the bare minimum. It was like… Someone who has a job they hate. They’ll do what they have too in order to keep the job, but you can tell there’s no passion for it. They don’t love what they do. My Mom stopped loving me.”

Again, quiet enveloped us. I didn’t know what to say or do, I wasn’t good in situations like this. But, I knew that Drew had been there for me, and I really needed to try to be there for him, even if I made a mess out of it. So again, I reached over, and again, I took his hand.

“I thought Toni was going to lose her babies. And in a way, I almost wanted her too. I know that sounds horrible… But I wanted to see if she’d fall apart, like my Mom did, because then maybe it would prove that it wasn’t my Mom’s fault, it wasn’t my fault, just something that happens in response to a horrible thing like losing two children. I worried about Izzy and Kyle, but at least they have each other. I had nobody.”

“Oh, Drewbie….” I answered. Again, I was at a loss for words. “Have you told your Mom any of this?”

He laughed that bitter, choked laugh again. “Yeah right. My Mom and I don’t speak. She’s got the new boyfriend now and the new kids, and she’s going to soccer games and volunteering at their school. We got into it once, about it. She asked why I just couldn’t be happy for her, that she was finally happy again. But the thing is, I don’t think she is really happy. I don’t think she’s gotten over the twins, she’s just… Replaced everything. She replaced her husband that reminded her of her dead babies, and she replaced her son that reminded her of them, and she got new kids with a fresh start and now she doesn’t even have to think about it. And I’m just so pissed off about the whole thing. I mean how could she forget about them? I still think about them, every day when I wake up and moments before sleep. I’m not saying she has to dwell on it, but she never even talks about them. I always wished that one day she’d wake up and be happy again, but I never thought she’d do it without us.”

With that, Drew broke down into heaving sobs. Normally, when I saw a guy cry, I was a bit disgusted. Seeing Drew cry like that made me angry, but not at him. I was so angry at his Mother for doing this to him, I just wanted to go find her and beat her up. She had a fantastic son, not that she had raised him, but she should want to claim him. All kids really wanted was love, and it killed me whenever I saw a child so desperate for love and attention, and their parents not giving it. When I looked at Drew right now, I didn’t see him as Drew, a man who’s my best friend. I saw little boy Drew, hurt and scared and wondering why his Mom didn’t love him. Little boy Drew who thought it would have been better off for everyone if he had died and the twins had lived. Little boy Drew who grew up knowing that his Mother didn’t want him around. I felt so horrible for him.

Again, I’m horrible in situations like these. But I pulled Drew towards me, and wrapped my arms around him, rubbing his back in small circles and making “shhh” noises while rocking him back and forth. It was what my Mom used to do when I cried as a child. A pang of guilt and hurt surged through me when I thought of this. Drew’s Mom had never done this for him. Had anyone ever held Drew while he cried?

Whatever Wednesdays: Pictures because I have nothing.

Hey guys!

Today's my two year wedding anniversary!!! Whoo-hoo! I was supposed to celebrate it by having a doctor's appointment (just a check up. I haven't had a family doctor in years, and every time I get sick I think of how badly I need one. So, I got one.) but I canceled it because I heard we were supposed to get snow. I don't drive in the snow.

But I AM spending it at the gym, because we have our free session with the trainer. Ugh.

So let's talk Relay. You guys? Are amazing. Seriously. Last I checked, I'm at 265 dollars, in under a week! Still, as I said in my earlier post, now you guys have inflated my head, and I would like to see how much money we can raise. I'm 200 dollars short of being the top participator. Do you guys think I can get there? If you haven't donated, and would like too (or if you would like to donate more, you can!) the link is www.relayforlife.org/dublin Search for my name, Laura Erwin. If you have donated, please check with your work's HR department. A lot of place will match donations, and that would be amazing! You can also buy a Luminaria in honor of someone who has fought cancer, or who has died because of cancer. The relay is an all night event, so when it gets dark, the luminaria's get lit. For those of you who don't know what luminaria's are, they're the bags with the candles in them that are lit. http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?sid=1014&type=fr_informational&pg=informational&fr_id=23534 there's more information, and you can also credit our team or myself with the donation. I'm going to have some done as well.

I'm also going to try to do other types of Fundraising. A lot of you have sent me hints and recipes, and so I'm waiting to hear back from Walmart to see if maybe we could have a bake sale outside of their building. I'm also doing an event in a couple of weeks with the relay for life called the Blarney Hop, and any money our team raises we get to keep. (Well, not keep, but it gets credited to our team.)

I'll keep you guys updated on how it's going.

Let's see, what else is going on? Not a lot. Cayden's pretty much back to normal, only we can't let him run around shirtless, because he sees his bandage and tries to pull it off. We took him back to daycare yesterday, which I was worried about. But he did fine. We also gave him his first bath yesterday.

Pictures of the little guy's big day :



This was EARLY in the AM, when we were getting ready to go. As you can see, Cayden was passed out!



The cute scrubs they had him wear. He was crying in this picture... They had just taken his blood-ox level, and while it didn't hurt, he just didn't like it!



He was watching TV before they took him back. That's his hippo, Wade (we also call him a Schluffy.)



Finally! A Smile! I think the first and only one that morning, lol.



After :-( He was crying when we came back, they handed him to me, and he passed back out. The only thing I liked about it was he was SO cuddly the rest of the day!



Don't worry, Wade made it through OK too!


I think that's all I got for you guys today. I still need suggestions though, on what you guys think a good reward would be for being so awesome and helping me raise all that money!

Last but not least, I wanted to tell you guys about ebates. If you shop online a lot, you should sign up for it! They have a list of stores (and I haven't really looked too much into it, but I glanced at the list and saw walmart.com, target.com, bestbuy.com, and buy.com, as well as places to book hotels and rent cars, like expedia, and budget) Anyway, you go to the site before you shop online, click on the link to go to that store, and then you get a certain percentage of cash back from your purchase. It's usually only a small amount, like 1% or 2%, but I mean, it's still saving money. Then at the end of the quarter, you request a check, and then send it to you. It's only worth it if you shop online and when you sign up you'll get 5 dollars bonus. They DO send me emails, but not spam, so. You don't have to sign up, but I get a bonus if you do, but even if I didn't, I think it's a pretty cool site and since it's recommended by Freebies4mom, I trust it. (Check out her blog, http://freebies4mom.com/ She always has legit free samples, coupons, stuff like that. Or friend her on facebook, Freebies4mom. Even if you're not a mom you can join!)

Anyway, ebates. My refferal link is: http://www.ebates.com/rf.do?referrerid=yVeVNA%2BxNf8PgHgixqDiyQ%3D%3D

Check it out! :-)

And if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter, would it be beautiful?

“I didn’t expect to hear from you tonight.” Seth said when I called.

“Well. We have an issue, I’m going to have to cancel Friday. I’m sorry, it’s just going to be really hectic these next few months…”

“What’s going on?” He asked, sounding concerned.

I relayed what Matt had told me about the night.

“So basically, I’m going to be a Mom these next few months. And probably helping a lot after the twins are born.”

“It’s just not a good time for you relationship wise, is it?” He asked.

I panicked for a second, wondering if he wanted to back out of this whole thing. Honestly, I couldn’t blame him if he did. For one, I had already admitted to having ex-boyfriend issues, and then to add on the fact that I didn’t know when I’d have time to see him? I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be with him yet, and now all this?

“No.” I admitted. “I guess it’s not.”

He was quiet for a moment. Then he spoke, his voice calm and even. “Here’s the thing Ella. I’m pretty motivated when it comes to getting what I want. I mean not in a scary stalker way, but if there’s obstacles placed in my way, I’m pretty good and figuring out how to get around them. I don’t know where we’re going yet, but I do know that I like you. We’ll figure it out.”

He said it with what was becoming his cool air of confidence. It wasn’t cocky, just sure footed. I had never really known anyone like Seth.

“Now,” he said. “About Friday. How about I come over and help you with the kids, and then you and I can just hang after their in bed? You cook me dinner, I’ll bring you a movie. Sound like a deal?”

“Sounds good.” I said, smiling.

“And about the house remodel… My Dad owns a tiling company, and Ian and I have both gotten pretty good at doing basic home stuff. You know, drywall, wallpaper, floor install. Ian loves that stuff, I’m sure he’d be willing to help out, and I’d be willing to help out too…”

“You don’t have to do that Seth, I mean it’s your weekend…” I said.

“Yeah, but I want too. Plus, I’d get to see you again.”

I smiled, but I was still worried.

“I know, and I appreciate the offer but… My ex, is living there and doing a lot of work on the house, and I just… It might be awkward.”

“Oh…” He said trailing off. “OK then, but…” He paused. “If you change your mind, or if you talk to him and he’s cool? We’d love to help out.”

“Alright.” I said, knowing I wouldn’t talk to Drew.

I missed Drew. I missed just calling him and talking to him. I wanted to check in and see how he was doing with the whole Toni situation… I knew Toni and Nick and become like siblings to him, and I knew Toni being in the hospital had probably upset him. Still, the last time we had talked it had been awkward. I just didn’t know how to get over that.

As soon as I hung up the phone with Seth, my phone rang again. I looked at the number, and didn’t recognize it.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hey, it’s me.” Toni said.

“I just talked to you Ton, what’s up?” I asked, worried that something else had gone wrong.

“Nothing, I just… I need you to go over and check on Drew.”

“Toni…” I whined.

“I know Ella. But he was really upset when we got here, and beating himself up, and I know he’s just going to go back home and kill himself trying to fix the house up tonight. He won’t talk to me or Nick because he doesn’t want to add any stress.”

“He won’t talk to me either, and you know it!” I replied.

She sighed. “Ella, please? Just go try. I’d feel a lot better, and I don’t really need to worry about anything else tonight.”

“Fine.” I grumbled, feeling guilty. I hung up the phone and leashed Cumulus.

“Matt, can you keep an ear out for the kids? I’m taking the dog for a walk.” I called.

“Sure thing!” He replied.

The house was just down the street, a two minute walk, if that. I was nervous, and I didn’t really want to do it, so instead of heading straight there, I walked the opposite way down the block, planning on taking the long way. Still, the long way wasn’t all that long, and it wasn’t too long before I reached the house. I took a deep breath and shut Cumulus in the backyard. Then I entered the house.

Just like Toni predicted, I could hear hammering. Drew was working. I followed the sound to what was to be the twin’s nursery. I watched him for a second. You could tell he was venting his frustration out on ripping up the floors, and I felt sorry for him. He was alone, in this big empty house, trying to deal with all this stuff on his own.

“Hey.” I said.

He jumped a mile in the air. “Jesus Ella!” He said, turning around. “What are you doing here?”

“Toni called. She wanted me to check up on you.”

“I don’t know why.” He grumbled, throwing his hammer on the floor and reaching for a water bottle. “I’m fine. Just busy. We have a lot to get done you know.”

“I know. But you’re not going to get it done in one night.” I said, crossing the threshold and sitting down next to him.

“Says who?” He grunted under his breath.

We were quiet for a moment, neither one of us knowing what to say or do. It wasn’t the comfortable silence I was used too with Drew, but a very heavy one. It was almost suffocating.

“So. You talked to Toni?” He asked. I nodded. “She doing OK?”

“She seems OK.” I said, shrugging. “But you know Toni.”

Again, the quiet came back. Just when I thought I was going to go, unable to stand the awkwardness anymore, Drew spoke. His voice was quiet and raw, and I had to strain to hear what he was saying.

“That’s the thing, Ella. Is I do know Toni. That was the scariest part about it all. Toni’s always so strong, and fearless. I mean she could have a gaping flesh wound and tell you it’s just a scratch. But the look on her face… When we found Kyle she asked him what was wrong, and he said he was hungry. She asked him why he hadn’t told the sitter, and he said he did. She asked him what the sitter had fed him that day, and when he said nothing? Toni tore down the street. I mean she just scooped up Kyle and bolted. I had a hard time keeping up with her, and I wasn’t pregnant and carrying a child. Then she just started screaming at this girl. I mean really just going at her, I thought she might lunge at any second, and she might have, but….” He trailed off.

“But what?” I asked, my own voice so quiet I wasn’t sure if he heard me.

“But then she got this awful look on her face. I mean really bad. It was the same look my Mom got at the hospital. When the doctors told her that her twins couldn’t be saved. The same exact look Ella. I mean they both hugged their stomachs and fell to the floor and it was just such… Déjà vu. I could smell the hospital all over again. I could taste the blood in my mouth. And then when Toni told me that she WASN’T OK? For her to admit something like that? I panicked.”

I didn’t know where to go from there. As long as I had known Drew, he never really talked about his twin siblings, or the accident. I didn’t know if I should prompt him or just stay quiet.

“Well, you obviously didn’t panic too much, Drew, if you took care of everything so well. I mean Toni’s safe.”

He just looked at me with this blank stare, and I knew I had made the wrong decision. I should have stayed quiet, should have let Drew take his time, to speak when he was ready. I was beating myself over this decision, when Drew opened his mouth again.

Update on Relay For Life

Hey guys-

I thought I'd update you randomly on how relay for life was going. I might also repost this on whatever wednesday so I can make sure everyone gets to read it (I know sometimes after people read the daily post, they don't come back till the next post and then sometimes miss things)

Let me just start out by saying THANK YOU! You guys have been AMAZING when it comes to donating money to relay for life. SO amazing that not even a week after I started, I am just five dollars short of my personal goal. However, I must say, by doing it so quickly, you guys have created a monster, lol. I keep thinking, if I did that much in a such a short amount of time, how much more can I do with the rest of the time? Not to mention, the rest of my teammates haven't raised any money yet, and while my personal goal was 200 dollars, our team's goal is 1,000. Normally I'd be kinda peeved that they weren't pulling their weight, but since this is for a good cause, I want to see just how close to that 1,000 dollars we can get! And, on a more... Conceited note, I am also only 35 dollars away from being the 3rd highest top participator. It would be AWESOME if I could just get there.

So, again, those of you who haven't donated, I am asking you to donate. Again, I realize money is tight for a lot of people right now. We ourselves are an one income home. But seriously, if you can give just a dollar, that is one dollar closer to finding a cure. I mean if you get a coffee every morning, and skip it for a week, and donate that money. If you ask your office if you can have a dress down day and everyone who dresses down has to pay 5 bucks, and you donate that money. It would be SO helpful, and SO many people would appreciate it.

I'm also looking for fundraising ideas if you guys have anything. Anything cheap and easy I can make and sell? And also, I really want to "reward" you guys for helping out, it means SO much to me, so if you can think of any way I could do that, let me know! (I mentioned having a bonus post, or giving people who donated a "spoiler pass" so that they could get a post early, or find out what's going to happen early...) I'd really like to make my first year a success and I need your help to do so!


***EDIT*** You guys are REALLY freaking awesome! I've now passed my goal and I'm a mere 15 dollars away from being a top participant, in less than a week! How awesome are you??? I don't think I posted the link on this blog for donations, so to make it easier to find, I'll post it here: www.relayforlife.org/dublin - donate, search for my name (Laura Erwin) or my team (Blooms for Hope)

I also just checked in with one of the people who runs a lot of the events. I will be volunteering at the Blarney Hop for Relay For Life (where our team can collect donations). So if you guys are in my area, check it out. It's in Dublin after the St Patrick's Day Parade on March 13th.

And thank you guys for the suggestions! I've contacted Wal-mart to see if we can have a bake sale outside their building, so we'll see if they get back to me!
Thanks so much y'all!

I'll be there for you...

Seeing Seth the next day at work was interesting. I don’t know what I expected, really. He didn’t really acknowledge the date last night, just winked at me when he came in, and went on working with the kids. At first I was a little hurt, but then I realized it was a good thing. I didn’t really want to be the center of a guy’s world right now, and I would never want a guy to ignore his job for me. Seth was here to do a job, and I was glad he wasn’t ignoring the kids to flirt with me.

He had to leave as soon as he was done. He had class, and had to stop by home to pick up some notes he needed that he forgot.

“See you Friday?” He called out as he was walking out the door.

“Yup.” I answered, and all the kids shouted “oooh” and “Miss. Ella’s got a date!”

I tried not to blush, but I did, and Seth saw it and laughed. With a wave, he was gone.

I left work earlier than I had planned on. I had a committee meeting that had ending up getting canceled. Toni had hired a babysitter to work a few days a week so she could go help Drew with the remodel, and I planned on going home to relieve her.

The remodel was going well, but Toni was still understandably stressed. I didn’t know a lot about twins, but it seemed like everything was doubled. Toni was doubly hungry, doubly tired, and had double the mood swings. One second she was upbeat, positive, and ready to go. The next second she’d fly into a rage because the flooring she wanted to order was on backorder, and would take months to receive. Poor Nick and Drew had no idea what was going on, since they had yet to be let in on the little secret. They blamed it on Toni’s pregnancy, but even they knew this was the more extreme side of things. I planned on coming home early, and calling to let her know that she could either stay later at the house, or she could come home and relax.

However, when I came home, I was surprised to see Matt’s car in the driveway. I had thought he had plans for tonight, and I was wondering what he was doing home so early.

“Don’t freak out.” He said, meeting me at the door.

“What?” I asked, my voice rising in pitch, obviously starting to freak out. “What’s going on? Matt why are you home?”

“Calm down Ella.”

“Matt just tell me!” I was tearing through the house now. Cumulus came up and sniffed me, so I knew he was fine. Izzy was in her jumper, and Kyle was watching a movie, very calmly on the floor. I breathed a sigh of relief, maybe it wasn’t too bad after all. But seriously, who greets someone with ‘don’t freak out’ and expects them NOT to freak out?

“Everyone’s fine. Right? Where’s the sitter?”

“I don’t know. The police station maybe? I’m not sure.” Matt responded.

“WHAT?” I yelled. Both kids looked at me and Izzy started crying. Matt shot me a look and went over and picked her up.

“Keep your voice down, OK? Follow me into the kitchen, please, and I can tell you what happened.” He voice was calm, yet I sensed the serious undertone. He set Izzy on the floor, and walked into the kitchen. I followed.

“What happened?” I whispered.

Matt went to the stove and added noodles to a boiling pot of water.

“I came home early, to change before my night out. The squad was here. Toni’s in the hospital.”

“WHAT?” I yelled again.

“For the last time Ella, keep your voice down!” He scolded. “The kids have been through an awful lot today, and they need calm, OK? So BE calm.”

“Alright.” I agreed, lowering my voice.

“The sitter was a piece of crap. She spent all day watching TV and didn’t even feed the kids. Somehow Kyle got out of the house and managed to walk down to the other house. Drew spotted him outside the window, and went out and got him. When Toni found him loose, she went back to the house. She found Izzy crying and in a REALLY dirty diaper. Well, needless to say, Toni went nuts. Drew had to hold her back, he said she thought she was going to kill the sitter.”

“How? I mean the girl had amazing references… I checked them myself.” I said, mainly to myself. I felt horrible. I sank down in a chair.

“Don’t. She wasn’t who she said she was… She was using her sister’s name, and therefore her sister’s references. And they were amazing. Her sister is a really good child care worker. She, however, isn’t. You couldn’t have known, Ella. She lied.”

“I still should have known… Done a background check or something…”

He shrugged. “I mean you thought what anyone else would have thought. She had amazing references, she was only going to be here for a few hours, what was the harm? It’s not your fault.”

“So why was the squad here?” I asked. “Did Toni hurt her?” I didn’t want Toni to end up in jail, but I secretly hoped she got a piece of the baby sitter. I wanted a piece of her.

“No. Toni got herself really worked up. Her blood pressure was up really high, and she started having some shooting pains in her stomach. They were worried about her going into labor, so they took her in. She was having mild contractions, but I talked to Drew a little bit ago, and he said they stopped. They do want to keep her overnight, just to make sure. Nick’s coming down. We all know about the twins now, too.”

“Poor Toni… This is not how she wanted to tell people.” I said. “Why didn’t anyone call me?”

“I wanted too. But Toni insisted that we didn’t. She said she thought she had asked enough of you, she didn’t want you to call your meeting short and come home for her. She thought she’d be home by now. Drew said that when they told her she needed to stay overnight, she tried to fight them on it. But, when they said it was the best for the twins…” He trailed off.

“She’s such a stubborn little punk.” I said, smiling. I felt better. Toni putting up an argument meant that she wasn’t too badly off. And, Toni trying to protect me meant she didn’t blame me for hiring the sitter.

“They think though, that she’s going to have to be on some kind of bed rest. They’re worried about all the stress she’s under, with the move and the remodel.”

“Don’t they know that telling her not to be stressed is just going to make her even more stressed?” I asked, laughing slightly. “So. That means a whole lot more work for me, huh?”

“For us. You mean.” He responded, stirring the noodles and adding cheese.

“No, Matt. Toni’s my friend and you’ve already done so much…”

“Ella, shut up. I haven’t really done anything. I watched them a couple times maybe.”

“You’ve also been really good about sharing your space with them!” I retorted.

“It’s not my space. You were nice enough to take me in, and you’ve been nice enough to let me stay here. I’m not paying rent, I’m not really doing anything to help you out. I like Toni. I think she’s good for you, and I love her kids. I want to help.”

“Well. I guess…” I trailed off. “What are we going to do?”

“Drew and I talked, and he’s agreed to take on the remodel, without Toni. I’m going to help out as much as I can on evenings and weekends, and Nick’s going to be coming up on the weekends to help out as well. Watching the kids is going to be the tricky part. I talked to Mama Rivers and the preschool teachers, and they agreed to let the kids be in childcare a few days a week, as long as we’re willing to come down and change their diapers. However, that still leaves two days a week and weekends to be covered.”

“Well. I have the weekends.” I said.

“Ella, you can’t do that every weekend. You have to have a life too.”

“It’s only for a few months, and I mean, you guys will be spending your weekends at the house. I can spend mine with the kids.” I answered.

“We can switch off. Now that just leaves the weekdays.” He said.

“Toni’s never going to like the idea of another baby sitter. Especially not after this happened.”

“Yeah.” Matt agreed.

We both sat in silence, thinking.

“A mother’s helper!” I said, suddenly.

“What?” Matt asked.

“I used to do it before I was too young to baby-sit. But, I’m sure there are grown up people who will do it. I mean, Toni won’t leave her kids with someone she doesn’t know again. But, she’s not going to be leaving the house. If she’s on bed rest, she’ll be resting, but she’ll still be around. She’ll be able to watch the new sitter, and she’ll know that the sitter is a good one.”

“Good deal. I’ll post an add on craigslist, and we’ll get interviews set up for this weekend. As far as this week… We’ll just have to take the kids with us.” Matt answered.

“Yeah. This is going to be interesting.” I said.

We fed the kids, and then gave them their baths. Doing this with Matt made me feel like I had my own little family with him, and I was surprised by how… Normal it felt. We kissed the kids goodnight, and I was expecting Matt to spend the night on the sofa with me, watching TV. To my surprise though, he headed into his room, and shut the door.

I realized though, that I would have to cancel my date Friday with Seth. And, I would also have to explain, I probably wouldn’t be going out for awhile. I called Toni first, checking in on her, and while she tried to downplay the situation, I could still hear both the fear and anger in her voice. She thanked me for helping out, and promised to be back on her feet soon. Nick got on the phone then, and explained to me that while Toni wouldn’t be under complete bed rest, she would be expected to have as much down time as possible. I knew this was going to be hard on her, but I was glad we were able to be there for her and help her out.

Next I called Seth. I explained the crazy situation to him, and told him I didn’t know when I’d be able to get away again. I was surprised by his response.

An Update

Hey guys-

Sorry it took me so long to update you on Cayden's surgery. We had to be there at 6:30, which meant getting up at 5:30, so I've either spent the day attached to Cayden, or sleeping.

His surgery went very well, but it was a lot harder than I expected, especially when they took him away. He cried, and I knew he was scared so as soon as he couldn't see me anymore, I started crying. Afterward, he was just tired, and he was crying when we went back, but as soon as I picked him up, he fell back asleep. The afternoon has been spent napping and watching movies.

The doctor says he should be up running around by tomorrow, and I hope so. I do love getting in the cuddle time, but I hate seeing him uncomfortable.

As far as relay for life, things are going AMAZING there as well. I signed up on Wednesday I think? Or maybe Thursday... Anyway, in those couple days, I am ALMOST halfway to my goal.

But please, don't think that means we can stop. Just because I set a goal, doesn't mean I can't go past it. And, I'm the ONLY team member to raise any money, so while my personal goal is 200 dollars, my team's goal is 1,000. I'd really LOVE to make it there.

I know a lot of you said you are walking yourself or have donated in your area, and if so, THANK YOU! If you haven't donated, I do have to ask you to PLEASE do so. Trust me, I KNOW money gets tight, so I'm not asking for an 100 dollar donation (but hey, if you have it, we won't turn it away! lol) But if you think about it, 1 dollar from 100 people IS 100 dollars. So really, EVERY mere dollar counts. I know one person mentioned they were out of the country, and the rate exchange was too high. I understand that completely, you don't want to pay more to transfer the money than the actual donation itself, but if there's ANY kind of solution to this, please let me know (I don't know if maybe you could donate to my paypal, and then I could enter the money in your name, or if there's still a transfer fee. I've never been out of the country and never bought anything either, so I have no idea how currency exchange works.)

I was trying to think of something special I could do for my readers that donate as well. If I could give them a "pass" to get an advanced copy of a posting or something? Or maybe even a bonus day or two for everyone if I reach my goal? I don't know, but if you have any suggestions, I would be open to that as well.

And again, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to the people who have donated. It means a lot.

I was in the middle of picking up toys and starting a load of laundry when my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. It was a text from Seth.

Had a great time tonight and couldn’t wait to make plans. Friday open for you?

I smiled and texted back that it was. A second later my phone buzzed again, and again, it was a text from Seth.

Good, now I have something to look forward to, besides seeing you at the agency tomorrow :-)

I slipped my phone back in my pocket, and smiled, knowing that I would have something to look forward too as well. It was also nice not to worry about things, and to date someone outside of my circle of friends.

I finished cleaning up and headed to bed, looking forward to Monday. Sleep came quickly, which was a surprise. Lately my brain was too busy for me to sleep.

It didn’t last long, however. A few hours after I fell asleep, I woke up to a ringing phone.

“Hello?” I asked, groggily. I didn’t bother to look at the caller ID, I always panicked a little when I got middle of the night phone calls, and wanted to find out who it was and what was wrong as soon as I could.

“I didn’t think you’d answer. It’s late, I thought I’d get voicemail…”

“Jason? What do you want?” I asked. We had ended things OK the last time we talked but we hadn’t talked since. Hearing his voice gave me butterflies. I wondered if it always would.

“I…” He hesitated. “I missed you. I wanted to see how you were doing.”

His honesty struck me, and I didn’t know what to say.

“How are you doing?” He prodded.

“Good. I guess. Things are hectic. Toni and Nick are moving down the street and Toni and the kids are staying here while they’re remodeling. Toni’s pregnant again.” I said, leaving out the with twins part.

“Oh. I didn’t know that. I guess I’m a little removed from everyone these days. Are you and Drew…” He trailed off, unable to finish.

“Are we together?” I finished for him. “You don’t talk to him?”

“No. Not really.” He admitted.

“Because of me?” I asked, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.

He sighed. “I don’t know. It’s not your fault. I messed up our friendship pretty badly on my own. We talk occasionally, but it’s weird.”

“Yeah.” I answered. Then I cleared my throat. “To answer your question… No, we’re not together. He’s moving down here too. Staying with Nick and Toni and working on the house for him, but…”

“Because of me?” He asked.

“Initially, yes. But now… No. I guess he’s going through some things with his parents divorce. I don’t know, I don’t really understand it, but he said he needed his space, so…”

There was a strained silence between us, and I wondered what I was doing, on the phone in the middle of the night with the guy who broke my heart so many times.

“I just called because…” Jason started, but trailed off. “I just. Miss how things used to be. Not just us, either. But everyone. I don’t know. I saw Kayla today, and I know it sounds bad, but seeing her made me miss you.”

“Are you guys still divorcing?” The answer didn’t matter, but I was curious.

“Yeah.” He said with a deep sigh. “We talked about trying… But. She doesn’t know if she can get over it. I don’t blame her. I also don’t know if I could do what she wanted me to do, which was cut off all ties with you. And, I don’t think it would have been fair. Had I never met you Ella? I could have spent the rest of my life with her, and happily. I mean she’s great, and I do love her. But it’s different, with you.”

That confession hung in the air between us, and both of us were quiet for awhile.

“Why did you call Jason?” I finally said. “I can’t do this back and forth anymore. I can’t rehash the past. It’s in the past for a reason.”

“I know.” His voice was small. “Most of the time I get that, and while I’m not really OK with it, I can deal with it. Tonight I just missed you, and how things used to be.”

I understood. I couldn’t tell you how many times I wished I could go back a redo things. How different things would be now… Or maybe not. Maybe everything would turn out the same exact way, but I’m sure I would have a lot less regrets.

“Is it OK if I call you sometimes? Just to talk, catch up. Nothing major, I promise?” Jason voice was pleading, and I felt bad, and sad. He was my best friend, and now we were reduced to this? When did the person I call for everything become the person who begs me to be allowed to call every once in awhile?

Still, I knew the dangers of letting Jason back in again, so to speak. I didn’t want to fall back into that trap, and I’m not quite sure he would ever fully change his ways.

“I’d like to be friends again Jas. Better friends than ‘oh I’ll call you every once in awhile’, but I just. I don’t know if that’s possible. And even if it is possible, I just… Don’t know how.”

“I understand.” He said. He sounded so sad. Lonely. That killed me.

“We’ll just take one day at a time, OK? You can call me if you want. We’ll see where it goes. But I’m going to be honest with you. I promise you that, and if I can’t handle it, I’m going to let you know, and you need to respect that, OK?”

“OK. I’ll be honest with you, too, Ella. I’m sorry. For everything.”

“I know Jason.” And I did. I was sorry too.

We talked for a few minutes longer. He caught me up on the Marines, about the rumors of being sent back to Iraq again. I tried not to worry, but of course I did. I wish this stupid war would end and we wouldn’t need soldier’s anymore. It was a big wish, an impossible one at that, but I still wished him. I told him a little more about Nick and Toni’s house, about what I had been up too, avoiding the whole Drew situation, and leaving out my date with Seth. I realized how tired I was, and told him I needed to go to bed.

Even though I had been exhausted, I found myself tossing and turning. Jason made my brain kick into overdrive. I missed him. I missed how things used to be. I was happy about my life now, but… Growing up is hard. Sure, there are moments you couldn’t pay me to re-live, and I’m glad to be out of them, but there are other moments… Well, I’d give anything to experience those again. I knew I was in store for more moments, both good and bad, but you never appreciate things while you have them, and I knew I’d always look back and miss certain moments, no matter how good my life got.

Jason was one of those things I think I would always miss.

However, I thought about what he said about Kayla… How if he had never met me, it would have worked out with Kayla. That made me think about Drew. If I had to choose one, which would I choose?

My heart broke at the thought of it. I didn’t want to choose one or the other. I didn’t want to lose either one of them. I realized though, that in the pursuit of trying to keep them both, I had lost them both. I also realized, for the first time, how Jason must have felt. I knew he loved both Kayla and I, just in different ways. While one type of love may be better than the other, you still don’t ever want to have to hurt someone you love.

The more I thought about it, though, the more I knew who I would choose, if I were ever in that position again.

As much as I would hate to hurt him, I wouldn’t pick Jason. We had some fun times together, and there were many memories I wouldn’t be able to forget, but while I once thought of him as my constant, I realized that really, Drew had been my constant. Drew was always there in the background, Drew was always there to pick up the pieces when Jason left, or broke me. Drew waited patiently for me.

I wondered what that meant, if I should stop this thing with Seth before it started and wait for Drew. I mean what was the point in dating anyone if you knew already who was the one for you?

But then Toni’s words popped back into my head. And I realized… She was right. You can’t wait on someone. Life in general doesn’t wait, and you have to move on and keep moving forward. If it’s meant to be, well then, it’ll work out. And if not… Well, you’ll find someone else. After Jason, I had found Drew. Had I waited forever for Jason, I wouldn’t have ever looked at Drew in that light. Maybe Seth would top Drew. Maybe he wouldn’t. I could only wait and see.

Two Quick things

Hey guys-

I know I talked before about how I wanted to do Relay for life. There are a couple different reasons: One, I'm on this weight loss kick, and I figured it would be a good way to exercise. And secondly, well, it's just a great cause.

Relay for life is done by the American Cancer Society to raise money for cancer research/awareness. I think it's really important because I think cancer is such a widespread thing. I don't think I've ever met someone who says they haven't known someone who has or has had Cancer. My Mother had cancer, my Uncle had prostate cancer, my Aunt found a lump in her breast which luckily turned out NOT to be cancer. My Grandmother died after she had surgery for her colon cancer, I have a friend right now with cancer. The list could go on longer.

I'm asking everyone for donations right now. I know money is tight for a lot of us (myself included) but I figured I probably have at least 100 readers (I mean 57 of your are followers, and I know I have some people who comment who aren't followers, and I figure there are people out there who read and don't follow and don't comment as well.) If each of you donated JUST two dollars, then I'd EASILY reach my goal of 200 dollars.

You can donate at this link: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=pfind&fr_id=23534 you can either donate to my team (Blooms For Hope) or to me (Laura Erwin) Just search one of those two things.

If you are in the area and would like to join my team, feel free as well! You just go to relayforlife.org/dublin and click the sign up button. Then click join a team and search for Blooms for hope.

The second thing I wanted to update you guys on, is we got the time for Cayden's surgery. 8:30 AM, so if you guys could send thoughts/prayers out at that time, I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you!!!

We got in the car and for the first time all night, it was quiet.

“Sorry about that.” Seth said. “Chloe’s something.”

“Yeah. She is. But in a good way. I like her. Your family seems nice.”

“They are… They’re just… Protective. Chloe likes to check out all the girls I hang out with. I mean all the time you hear about over-protective older brothers, which Ian and I are… But she’s an over protective little sister.” He paused for a moment, and then reached over and slipped my hand into his. He did it so naturally, with the same air of confidence he seemed to approach everything with. It made me a little nervous, but I liked it.

“You guys all seem close. I mean you and Chloe at least…” I said, trailing off, not sure what to think about Ian.

He seemed to sense where I was coming from. “We’re close to Ian as well. It’s just, Ian’s a bit… Different. He’s a really nice guy, but really closed off. He has some anxiety issues and stuff. He doesn’t like new people, but if you hang around, he’ll warm up.”

“I always wished I had brothers and sisters. It seems like built in friends.”

“It is, for the most part. Sometimes it’s hard though, built in enemies as well. Ian and I have gotten into it a couple time. Chloe and I rarely fight, but when we do it’s a pretty big blow out. Still, they’ve always had my back whenever I’ve needed them, and that’s nice too.”

“I hated being an only child… But then when I was twelve, I met a group of guys, and they became kind of like brothers.” I paused. “I’m actually only really friends with guys, come to think of it. Toni is my only female friend.”

“Really?” Seth asked, glancing over at me. “You only have one female friend, and she has a masculine name?”

I laughed. “I never really thought about it like that.”

Again, quiet enveloped the car. It wasn’t a strained or uncomfortable silence, but still, I wanted to talk, I wanted to know more, and I wasn’t really ready for the night to be over.

“So. Guy friends? Is that something I should be worried about?” Seth asked, smiling at me.

I shrugged, and then smiled slightly. “I don’t know. I’m starting to wonder if you can be just friends with the opposite sex. It hasn’t really worked out well for me.” I trailed off, thinking about Drew.

“Really? I have tons of girl-friends.” Seth replied.

I let that sit a minute. I felt stupid, saying I didn’t believe in opposite sex friends. Maybe that was all that Seth wanted from me, and here I was, assuming differently, out loud.

“How many of them have you hooked up with?” I joked, looking at him sideways. I was hoping my tone would lighten the mood.

He laughed. “True, there have been a fair share of hookups… How many of your guy friends have you hooked up with?”

I sighed. “I seriously dated two of them. I hooked up with the other, once.” I shrugged. “I’m a floozy, what can I say?” I tried to make it sound like a joke, but inside I was panicking. This conversation was getting out of hand, and if I wanted to try something with Seth… Well, I wasn’t being painted in the best of lights.

To my relief, Seth laughed. “I don’t think you’re a floozy. How many boyfriends have you had?”

“Three. And then I dated this guy briefly, but I wouldn’t call it a relationship. I actually don’t date all that often.” I admitted.

“So this is you in rare form?” Seth asked. My stomach did a flip.

“I didn’t realize this was a date.” I admitted.

Seth laughed. “What’d you think it was?”

“I wasn’t sure, to be honest.”

“So… If you had known this was a date, would you have come?” His face was more serious, but there was an amused smile playing on his lips.

“I don’t know.” I admitted again, laughing slightly. “I don’t know how much to admit without it becoming TMI or scaring you off… But I just got out of a relationship. The whole thing is really complicated right now, it’s basically a mess that I have no idea how I got into. So basically, I have no idea what I want right now. I’m trying this whole… Go with the flow mentality.”

Seth was quiet for a long moment, and I wasn’t sure what to say. We pulled up in front of the house, and I was unbuckling my seat belt to get out when Seth put the car in park, which made me pause and wonder if he was done with this conversation. He got out of the car, walking to my side and opening the door for me. He took my hand and walked me to the front door.

“So. If I asked you out right now, on another date, or even perhaps our first since you didn’t consider this a date and my sister tagged along… What would you say?” He asked, still holding my hand as we stood on the porch. Again, a small, amused smile played on his lips.

“Well.” I said, not sure how to answer.

“I just think, in the interest of go with the flow, you should try it out. You know, an experiment.” He shrugged, and though the smile was gone and his face was now serious, his blue eyes twinkled in the porch light. Again, it struck me how good looking he was.

“Well. I guess anything in the name of science….” I said, smiling up at home.

He laughed, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. “I like you Ella. You… You’re fresh.”

“I’m fresh?” I said, laughing. “What a compliment.”

He smiled. “What can I say? I’m a wordsmith-Cassonova.” He trailed off, looking down at me. “What I really wanted to say was that you amuse me, but that sounded… Bad. But you do. You’re entertaining. I don’t know, a lot of girls I know, they have to show off. You just seem pretty comfortable being you. “

I turned away, blushing. I wasn’t comfortable being myself, and I had felt like such a klutz all night, but I was relieved that it didn’t come off like that.

“So,” Seth started, his voice low and intimate. “I can see you again?”

“Yeah. I think that would be OK.” I responded. I was suddenly very nervous, and I couldn’t force myself to look at him. I knew what would be coming, the kiss I had been wondering about all night. I don’t know why the thought of it set me on edge so badly, I can’t say I didn’t want it to happen, but my stomach was doing somersaults. My mind flashed briefly to Drew, and I even felt a twang of guilt. It was a little soon to be moving on, wasn’t it? But again, that guilt was replaced by anger. He didn’t want me, and he had broken up with me weeks ago. I wasn’t going to fall in another Jason situation, longing for the unattainable. I was going to enjoy the moment, and this moment meant Seth.

I looked up at him, and the moment our eyes locked, his face started slowly towards mine. He hand reached forward and rested on my waist. It was brief and sweet and left me wanting more.

But Seth pulled away. “I had a great time. I’ll call you, to make plans, OK?”

“Sure.” I answered, unable to manage more. He headed down the stairs.

“Have a good night.” He said, walking backward to his car.

“You too.” I answered. He smiled, waved, and ducked back into his car.

I walked in the door, and dropped my keys on the table. I went into the living room to pull off my shoes, and saw Toni laying on the couch.

“Hey. How was your night?” She asked, yawning and smiling tiredly at me.

“Good. Really good.” I said, smiling.

“You like him.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.

“I think so. I mean I know I like him, but…” I shrugged, smiling again. “Go with the flow, you know? We’ll see where it goes.”

“I’m proud of you.” She said.

“For what?” I asked, confused.

She pulled herself up into a sitting position. “For doing this. I mean, you have a tendency with guys to kind of… I don’t know. I don’t want to say become obsessed, because that’s not really it, but… You hang on longer than you should. With Jason, with Jacob… I was worried it was going to be like that with Drew.”

I felt my face cloud over as she mentioned Drew’s name.

“I still think you and Drew will end up together.” She admitted honestly. I frowned, and opened my mouth to detest, but she waved me off. “I know right now you’re angry at him, and I see how you could be. You think he’s blowing you off for a stupid reason. Maybe he is. I still maintain that in the end it’ll all work out between you too. However, I’m glad you’re trying out other options. I’m glad you’re not moping or waiting. I’m glad you’re moving on with your life. I think it shows growth.”

“Well. Thanks. I think.” I answered, not really sure how to reply to that. The truth was, I wasn’t really sure anymore if Drew and I were meant to be together. If we were, should it be this hard? With Jason it had been work all the time, at least that’s what it felt like. Now Drew was turning into that too. It also made me wonder if there was something wrong with me. I mean if all my relationships turned out the same way, didn’t that mean I was doing something wrong?

“You OK?” Toni asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.

“Yeah. Just thinking.” I answered.

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.” I said, shaking my head.

She cocked her head to the side, looking at me worriedly.

“Toni, don’t do that. You have enough kids to mother, don’t mother me.” I meant it as a joke, but it came out a little more harshly than I meant it too. She looked a little stunned.

“I just meant…” I trailed off. I didn’t know what I meant. “You’ve got a lot of your plate. I can handle my own problems, OK?”

“Well. Just because I have a lot of my plate doesn’t mean I don’t have room for more. I won’t push, but let me know if you need to talk, OK?”

“OK.” I answered. I patted her leg. “You look tired.”

“I am.” She admitted. “I feel like I should be doing more to help out, but I’m just so tired all the time.”

“Don’t worry about it. Go to bed. I’ll pick up.”

“You sure?” She asked.

“You might as well get the rest while you can Toni.” I said, smiling.

“Alright. Well. Goodnight.” She said, getting off the couch and heading upstairs.

“Night.” I said.

Whatever Wednesday: Uh Oh

This weekend was... Busy, and that's putting it lightly. My weekend kind of started Thursday... I woke up, and had a headache, but thought it was because the night before I hadn't slept well. I took my sister to work, and as I was getting Cayden out of the back of the car, I got SUPER sick to my stomach and I was like "Wow, I'm going to throw up." I get in the house and I do throw up a little. So. I start thinking that the headache must be due to the fact that I'm getting sick. I laid down on the couch, planning on having a TV day with Cayden, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open, I was SO sick to my stomach, and I couldn't stop shaking. So I emailed Jeremy and asked him to come home, and he did. I got to rest, and that was nice, but I felt horrible about him having to take the time off work. Well, after I woke up from my nap, I felt even worse than I did before. My head was so congested and I was still so cold. That night I wasn't able to sleep at all, because every time I laid down my head just filled with... crap, and I couldn't breathe.

At 6:30 Friday morning I FINALLY fell asleep. Needless to say, Jeremy called off Friday as well. I got to sleep in till noon, which was nice, but I still only got 5 and 1/2 hours of sleep, which isn't good. We laid around the house for awhile, and I started to feel better. We got our tax money, so Jeremy wanted to check out this car place we had heard about.

I went. I shouldn't have, because I still felt awful, but... He had called off work 2 days, and was so excited about car shopping. I thought it wouldn't be that hard, I mean, all I had to do was sit there, right?

Ugh. SO stressful. The car place was HORRIBLE. First of all, our salesmen? Was awful. He not only spent the majority of time on his cell phone, but he lit up and was smoking, right next to Cayden! Then he was just kind of pushy... Which I get with car salesmen, but most of them have a way of at least seeming polite. He showed us this car, and it had pretty much nothing that we wanted, other than it was an SUV. When I said I didn't want to test drive it (I just hated the way it looked, and I wasn't ready to be less picky until I knew for sure we didn't have any other options.) he looked at me and was like "well the best way to find out if you like a car is to drive it. You can't tell just by looking at it." Which, it's like, if I don't like the look of it, why am I gonna want to drive it? My old car drove pretty well, I just hated the way it looked (and it was old, I was constantly worried it would break down.)

We test drove it, and the damn car was broken! Like a warning light on and everything! It just seemed like every car on the lot we looked at had something obviously wrong with it. We even asked him to look at this Vue and he TOLD us he felt like something was wrong with it. If you think somethings wrong with it, why are you selling it??? Then the salesmen just seemed to be dragging his ass and taking his sweet time with everything, and didn't have any idea what he had on the lot. We saw some Pilots and he had no clue they had them. Then he kept telling us "I'll be right back, I'm going to see how much those Pilots are" and disappearing, only to come back a little while later and say "Oh, I'll be right back, just gonna go check on those pilots" Like, we felt totally ignored.

Needless to say, we left the lot. Only it took us seriously another hour to leave, because they guy kept leaving to go "check" on something else. I was SO frustrated. I'm happy to say though, that we stopped by another lot, and ended up finding the perfect car. I'm now a proud owner of a Chevy Equinox. It's beautiful :-)

What else is going on? Not much. Cayden's surgery is supposed to be Friday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't get sick before that, especially with me being sick, and he was with my Mom who also has a cold.

Here's the deal with that though... I'm going to try to write way ahead so that if Cayden needs a ton of attention, I won't be slacking. I HAD written ahead, but then I got sick, which meant I couldn't write and then kind of fell behind, and I fell behind on my housework too, and I fell behind on my gym routine as well. So basically, I'm back to not being sure how it's going to go. The house is first and foremost, it's currently a wreck. Then comes the gym, just because I've lost weight already and I don't want to fall behind and slack, though I go to the gym in the evenings so that shouldn't be too much of an issue, though if they close daycare, I'll have to work out at home. So. I don't know. Basically, what I'm saying is, if you don't hear from me, that's why.

I'm also looking into doing some volunteer work with Relay for Life, which raises money for the American Cancer Society. I'm pretty excited about that, I love volunteer work and just haven't done much lately. Plus, as I've mentioned before, I have a friend who's going through cancer right now, and I'd like to support her in any way that I can.

Other than that, I'm wishing I could go back to not wanting anything, lol. It used to be whenever anyone asked me what to get for a present, I couldn't come up with anything, but now... I want everything, and I feel so greedy. I have a lot, I should be happy with it, but there's this little thing in the back of my head that keeps telling me I need more stuff.

The latest thing I'm wanting is a Gowear Fit. Anyone who watches Biggest Loser will know what it is, (Well, they'll know the BodyBugg, but it does the same thing, and is actually made by the same company.) You wear it on your arm all day (but not in water) and it tells you how many calories you burn throughout the day. For me, numbers are important, and I feel like this would help me a lot, especially when I can't make it to the gym (this week is has been the massive amounts of snow keeping me at home, and next week it'll be Cayden's surgery keeping him out of daycare.) I still work out at home, but I don't know how many calories I'm burning while I do it. And even when I use equipment at the gym... It's not all that accurate. Especially when it doesn't take into consideration my height, weight, and sex.

Of course it's expensive. Normally I have no problem buying used, which would save me some money, but this time it won't, because if you buy a used one (at least a used Bodybugg, I assume since the Gowear is made by the same company, it will too.) when you register the product (and you have to register it to use it) they charge you an additional 150 bucks (bull, I know. I don't love their ethics) At that rate, I might as well buy new, which is probably their whole strategy. I can get a new one on ebay for relatively cheap, but it's still expensive.

*sigh* I guess I'll just have to do it the old fashion way. I know it sounds dumb, but I figure a lot of women splurge on purses and shoes... And I don't. I don't even splurge on clothes for myself. So.

What about you guys? An unattainable (or attainable) splurges?

Ain't worried about tomorrow when you're busy livin in a perfect day

I knew I had hurt Drew’s feelings, but I didn’t really feel bad about it. Instead I just felt pissed off.

He said he didn’t want to be with me right now, he said he had things to work out, he said I could see other people, and now he was acting like I had done something wrong? Sure, it was pretty fast to move on… Only, not really. Drew and I had broken up almost 2 months ago. He was the one who told me we should just let things happen. He can’t be mad if they don’t happen the way he wants. If he’s not willing to put forth effort then… Why should I?

As I shopped around, my angry started to wear off. I did understand where Drew was coming, but still… If he didn’t want me, then he needed to let me go, and stop making me feel guilty for things he told me were OK.

I ended up spending more than I wanted too, but it still wasn’t as bad as I expected. I got two new hooded sweatshirts, including the new Saint Patrick’s day hoodie, as well as a layered tee shirt. I knew I would look casual, which I wanted, but the layer tee shirt was also a little tight, showing off more than I showed Seth the last time I had seen him. I just hoped the rink would be warm enough for me to take off my sweatshirt. It usually wasn’t too bad, the walk to the rink was the coldest part about the night.

I went back to Toni, where we packed up the kids and went home. We spent the night with the kids, playing, eating, watching movies and cuddling on the couch together. I liked having Toni in the house, and I think Matt did as well. It was going to be a little lonely when they left.

My… Thing… With Seth was… Different. Not different in a bad way, it just was… Different.

He came early to pick me up, and was surprised when he saw Kyle answer the door.

“You didn’t tell me you had kids?” He said, smiling as I walked up behind kids.

“Oh, he’s not mine. He’s my god-son. His Mom and sister are staying with me while they remodel the house they just bought. It’s down the street.” I said, stepping aside to let him in. “I’m ready, I promise. It’s just their Mom is in the shower and I told her I’d keep an eye on the kids till she got back. You don’t mind, do you?” I asked.

“Oh, no. It’s fine.” He said. He glanced back at his car before he walked it.

“So. This is my house.” I said, as he entered. “It’s not normally this…” I trailed off. Toys were scattered everywhere, and we had to step over a baby gate in order to get into the living room, where Izzy was bouncing in her jumper.

“Kid friendly?” He said, laughing.

“Yeah. I guess that’s the word for it.” I said. I heard Kyle banging on the gate, so I went over to lift him inside.

“Hey buddy.” Seth said, kneeling down.

“Can you say hi Kyle?” I prompted.

“Nope.” Kyle said, shaking his head and smiling. Did I mention Kyle was ornery?

“And that’s Izzy.” I said, pointing to the bouncing ball of chub in the corner.

He waved to Izzy. Cumulus came over and sniffed him.

“And who’s this big guy?” Seth asked, reaching down and taking Cumulus’ massive head in both his hands.

“That’s Cumulus. He’s my buddy.” I said, scratching his head.

Kyle did eventually say hi to Seth, and when Toni got out of the shower five minutes later, he was on the floor with Kyle playing trucks. It was honestly one of the cutest things I had ever seen.

Toni flashed me a thumbs up sign as we walked out the door. I rolled my eyes, but smiled.

“Um. Well. I’ve got to tell you something.” He said, as we stood on the porch.

“Yes?” I asked.

“My sister… She’s in the car. I’m sorry, I should have told you, but it was a last minute thing, and she kind of demanded to go… And when my sister gets it in her head to demand something… Well. She’s going to get it.”

“And you left her waiting in the car?” I exclaimed.

He shrugged and smiled. “She demanded on coming, I didn’t say I was going to be nice to her.”

“Well. Be nice to her!” I said, laughing.

We walked to the car where I met his sister, Chloe. When Seth had said she was the beauty of the family, he wasn’t kidding. She had long hair that curled slightly, and it was the same color blonde that Seth had. She had a small button nose, clear skin, an easy smile, and again, Seth’s clear blue eyes. She was gorgeous. At first, I was a little intimidated, worried that because she had demanded to come, that she was a diva who was used to getting her way. That wasn’t the case. She sat in the back, cracking jokes about Seth’s driving, while asking me about my job.

“That’s so awesome you work with inner city kids!” She exclaimed. “I always wanted to do something like that.”

“Well, we can always use volunteers. I have a girl’s retreat coming up, you could come and do their hair and makeup?” I offered. Chloe had told me she was in cosmetology school.

“Yes! I bet it would be a blast! Here, give me your phone, I’m going to give you my number and you call me with the details. I bet I could even get a few of the other girls from school to come!”

I handed her my phone, laughing. Chloe was so enthusiastic about everything.

When we got to the arena, Seth turned to me.

“Why don’t you go find our seats? I can go get snacks. Chloe, you can help.” He said.

“You can carry the stuff yourself, I’m going with Ella.” Chloe said.

Seth shot him a look and Chloe rolled her eyes, but off with him she went.

Seth had splurged on our seats. I worried about how much money we spent, but I was also kind of glad. The game was much better when you were closer, and I was glad that we were in the lower bowl. Seth and Chloe came down a few minutes later, Chloe carrying drinks and Seth with popcorn and other snacks.

The game was amazing, and I have never laughed that much in my life. Even if this wasn’t a date, I was so glad to have met Seth, and Chloe as well. You could tell they were good people who just wanted to have fun. After the game, we walked back to the car.

“I’m going to drop Chloe off at the house, if that’s OK?”

“That’s fine. I’m not in a hurry.” I said, smiling.

“Come in for a sec Ella.” Chloe called as we pulled up to their house.

“Chloe…” Seth’s voice was warning.

“Oh chill Seth. She said she’s not in a hurry.” Chloe said, hopping out.

She opened my door, and I shot a look at Seth. I didn’t want to make him angry. Maybe he was having a horrible time and just wanted me to go home.

He smiled an amused, but annoyed smile. “Do you mind? Once she gets it in her head…” He trailed off.

“No. No problem.” This was definitely a first for me, meeting a guys Mom on what may or may not be a first date.

As soon as I met Seth and Chloe’s Mom, I saw where they got their looks from. She was definitely an older version of Chloe, and she had the same warm and welcoming personality. We sat on the couch and hung out for a bit, talking and telling stories. I really loved seeing the relationship between all of them. They had the closeness I wish my own family had.

I also briefly met Ian, Seth’s older brother. He was just as good looking, but a scruffier version, with longer hair and a beard. He was not nearly as welcoming, mumbling a hello before he shuffled away.

“Alright.” Seth finally said. “It’s getting late, I better get you home.” He patted my leg as he said this, leaving his hand on my thigh for a moment longer than needed. I instantly began to wonder if I would get a kiss goodnight or not.

And suddenly, I couldn’t wait to find out.

The next morning we got up early and headed to Toni’s appointment. We left the kids at home with Matt, who had taken the morning off to watch. I had taken the whole day off so that Toni could go with Drew to pick up supplies to start the remodel. I was nervous about seeing Drew again, and wondered how he would act.

Toni was right about the doctor’s office, it was pretty boring. We waited for awhile, Toni filling out paperwork. Then she got called back to speak with a nurse and go over family history, and to get her vitals. Then we waited some more. Finally, we were called back to see the doctor. She was a young woman, with long brown hair and a welcoming smile. She went over a few things in Toni’s health history, and then led us back to a room for an ultrasound.

“This is where it gets fun.” Toni said, after she changed into the backless gown and hoisted herself on the table.

After a few more moments of waiting, the doctor knocked on the door and came back in.

“Alrighty, ready to see your little one?” She asked, sliding on gloves and smiling at Toni.

Toni nodded, and I looked away as the doctor inserted the wand.

The doctor kept the screen away from Toni at first. She poked around, looking at things, and then she let out a ‘hmm’.

Toni shot me a look. Hmm is not something you want your doctor to say when she’s giving you an exam. I reached for her hand, in case the news was bad.

“What, Doctor?” Toni asked.

The doctor turned the screen around, and smiled.

“Well, Toni. It looks like you’ll be having twins.” She said, pointing out the two little blob-sack babies on the screen.

The doctor went over a few more things, but I’m not quite sure Toni was listening. I tried to take it all in, in case I needed to repeat it to her later, but I was also in a state of shock. Twins? Really? Toni was freaking out about having one baby. How was she feeling now that she had found out that she’d be having two babies?

Toni didn’t say anything as she got dressed. She only spoke to the receptionist as we were leaving to make another appointment. She was silent in the elevator, and quiet in the car. Finally, when we pulled up in front of the house, I spoke.

“Toni… Are you OK?”
She turned her head to look at me slowly. And then very calmly answered. “I don’t know.”

“What?” I asked.

“I mean. I don’t know Ella. I’m excited. I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m overwhelmed. I’m so many things… I mean twins run in our family, but I just never really thought about it… At first, when she said it, I wanted to cry. Like, I didn’t think I could handle one, so you’re now giving me two? What kind of sick joke is that? But now, the more I think about it… I’m OK. I mean, we’re going to be down here, you’ll be down the street, I’m staying home now. I think we’ll be OK.”

“Do you still want to go out with Drew today?” I asked.

“Oh yeah. I have too.” She said, laughing. “We REALLY need to make sure the house is done by the time they get here, and I’m really not going to be able to help as much as I thought I was. So. I need to get a move on.” She said, patting my leg.

“Well. Congrats!” I said, leaning over and hugging her.

“Thank you!” She paused for a moment. “And Ella, don’t tell Nick, OK? Or anyone… I kind of want to find a special way to tell Nick, in person.”

“My lips are sealed.” I said, happy that she was handling this well.

“And one more thing… Can I borrow your car? I told Drew I’d meet him at the Home Depot.”

“…He’s not coming here?” I asked, disappointed.

“No. He’s taking the truck and we plan to load it down with stuff, so he wasn’t sure there’d be room…”

“Are you sure that’s the reason? Or is it that he just doesn’t want to see me?” I asked.

She sighed. “I don’t know Ella. All I know is what he told me. But I wouldn’t doubt that he wants some space. I think it’s hard for him to see you and not be with you. Just give him some time. He’ll come around.”

I didn’t say anything. Drew wasn’t making any sense to me. I didn’t see how we were supposed to let things happen when he was busy avoiding me.

I let Toni take the car, going in to relieve Matt of his post. He had just put Izzy down for a nap, and Kyle was in a rare moment of calm, watching Car’s on DVD. I used the quiet time to prep lunch and get started on laundry. I went around and picked up random toys, and then crashed on the couch to watch some of the DVD with Kyle.

I’m glad that I enjoyed my downtime, because when Izzy woke up, it was non-stop. They cried, they begged to be held, they were hungry, Kyle didn’t want to take his quiet time, Izzy fell, Kyle was trying to ride Cumulus… It was pretty much go-go-go until Toni came home, and as soon as she came home, I went and took a long nap.

Saturday Toni and I took the kids to the mall. The weather was cold, but the kids were sick of being cooped up. We let them play in the play area, while Toni showed me color swatches.

“Do you think I should go get a new outfit while we’re here?” I asked.

“For what?” Toni said, distracted.

“My…” I hesitated. I wasn’t sure what tomorrow night was. “Thing with Seth.”

“Why do you need a new outfit? Isn’t it just a hockey game?”

“Yeah.” I replied.

“What do you normally wear to a game?”

“A hoodie and a jersey.”

“You don’t have those things?” She asked, looking up from her catalog to check on Izzy and Kyle.

“I do but…”

“But you want to dress up. I mean isn’t that a little much? It’s a hockey game.”

“Yeah. You’re right. This whole going with the flow thing is hard though.” I whined.

“Well, if you wanna buy something new, just go to a sports store and pick up a new jersey or something.” Toni said, waving me off.

I left her there and headed over to the blue line, to find a new jacket or jersey or something. Toni was right, I couldn’t dress up and not look like I wasn’t trying hard, but I did still want to look good. My other jersey was kind of old, and my sweatshirt had a bunch of stains on it.

I was browsing around when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Hey.” Drew said as I turned around.

“Uh, hi.” I responded. “What are you doing here?” I asked, not knowing what else to say.

“Shopping.” He said, smiling back at me. “Toni said you guys were hanging out. I thought I’d stop by… I didn’t want you to think I was avoiding you or something.”

“But you have been.” I said honestly.

Drew smiled and half smile. “Yeah. I guess I have been. It’s just hard, you know.”

“Well. I mean. We’re friends right? Friends help each other through stuff, so if you want to talk about anything…” I trailed off.

“I know. I know. I’ll be around more, I promise. What are you here picking up?”

I paused, panicking a little. Should I tell him about Seth? I mean on the one hand, it was too soon to tell if Seth was anything. But, on the other hand, not being a hundred percent honest was what got me into trouble in the first place.

“I have a thing on Sunday. I’m going with this guy to a hockey game. I need a new jersey.”

“Oh…” Drew looked a little wounded. “A date?”

“No. I don’t think so. He’s teaching my kids some break dance, and said he had never been to a game before… So I told him I’d go with him.”

“Well... Have fun.” Drew said, turning to leave.

“Don’t be a stranger!” I called as he walked away.

She said, "what good is tomorrow without a guarantee?"

Toni and I talked for a little bit longer, just going over details of the move. Then I got off the phone and headed home. Matt was out front with the dog.

“Hey.” He said, standing up off the stoop.

“Hey. Why are you out here? It’s cold.” I said, shutting the door and heading for the house.

“I miss being outside. I’m starting to get a little bit of cabin fever.”

I nodded. I knew how that felt. Plus we were slated to get him with some snow storms, which would probably trap us inside for a few days.

“Wanna help me clean up the upstairs for Toni?” I asked.

He nodded and followed me inside and upstairs.

We cleaned in quiet for a few moments.

“So.” He said, breaking the calm. “What happened with Drew?”

“I don’t know.” I said, sighing and packing up the stuff for the pool table. “He’s having issues with his parent’s divorce and says he just wants some time on his own.” I shrugged. “He says if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.”

“Serendipity.” Matt said.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“It was this movie, a chick flick Kellie made me watch. These people meet and the guy asks the girl for her number and she writes it in a book and says she’s going to sell it to a used bookstore, and if it’s meant to be, he’ll find it and contact her. Serendipity.”

“Hmmm.” I said. “Sounds like a load of crap to me.”

“What? I thought you’d think it was all romantic.” Matt said, smiling at me.

“I think it’s a cop out. If he really wanted to be with me, then he’d do it.” I shrugged again. “Then again, I don’t know what he’s going through. I know I miss him though.”

We were quiet again. Matt helped me move the pool table off to the side of the room. I tried to section it off so Izzy would have her own little space, maybe it would help her get to sleep easier.

“Who was that guy today?” Matt asked.

“What guy?” I asked, confused.

“He was with your kids in the gym. The dancer guy. I went up to ask you something in your room after work and I saw you talking to him.”

“Oh. That’s Seth. He’s just a breakdancer… Cora from hunger alliance hooked us up with him to teach the kids some dance stuff. I’m sure he could teach your kids too, if you wanted to join…” I trailed off.

Matt shook his head. “I just saw him give you his number. What are you two going to do, go shopping together?”

“What?” I asked, confused.

“I mean, he’s gay, right?”

“Why would you say that?”

“I mean… He’s a dancer…”

“Oh Matt.” I said, laughing, but a little angry at his assumption. “I mean he may be gay. I didn’t ask. But just because a guy does something that might be considered more feminine, like dancing, doesn’t make you gay.” I answered, rolling my eyes.

“So why’d he give you his number then?”

“We started talking about sports, I mentioned that I liked hockey, he said he had never watched it, I told him he needed to go to a game, so he asked me to go with him to one.”

“But you just broke up with Drew. And now you’re already on a date?” He asked, raising his eyebrow.

I was getting annoyed. I didn’t see why it was his business, nor why it mattered.

“It’s not a date. I’m just going to a hockey game.” I was unable to keep the edge out of my voice.

Now it was Matt’s turn to shrug. “If you say so.”

“Why does it matter?” I asked turning to him.

“I just…” He trailed off. “It doesn’t. Look, I think we’re done here, so I’m going to head out to the grocery. You want anything?”

I shook my head no, and collapsed on the couch as soon as he left. Boys were so weird.

I decided to text Seth and tell him my schedule was pretty open. Normally I wouldn’t call or text a guy so soon, but what Toni said was right. I should just go with the flow.

Me: Hey Seth – it’s Ella. Didn’t want 2 call, don’t know when u get out of class, but wanted 2 let u know my schedule’s pretty open, so just pick a date and let me know!

I hit send, and threw my phone aside. I didn’t think he’d text back so soon. I was right, but a few minutes later my phone rang.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hey, Ella, it’s Seth. I just got your text. I’m driving so I couldn’t text back, but I wanted to set some plans up. Are you near a computer?”

“No… But I can be.” I said, heading downstairs.

“Can you just look up game dates? That way we can set something in stone.”

“Sure.” I replied, waking my laptop up from sleep mode. “What are you in school for?”

“Sports Medicine. Though, now I’m kind of wishing I had taken teaching instead. I’d like to be a coach somewhere.”

“Well, you could always go back.” I offered.

He laughed. “Maybe. But I won’t be going back for a little while. School is hard.”

“Yeah.” I agreed.

I pulled up the dates and read them off to him. We decided Sunday would work best.

“When I get home I’ll buy tickets. Give me your address and I’ll come pick you up. That way we don’t both have to pay for parking.” He said.

“OK, well. I’ll give you the money for my ticket on Sunday.”

“No. You’re doing me a favor by educating me. Least I can do is buy your ticket.”

“Well.” I said, smiling, “then let me pay for parking then.”

“Deal.”

I thought maybe that would be the end of the conversation, but Seth kept me on the phone a little longer. He asked me how long I had been working at the agency, and told me it really seemed like I loved those kids, which I did. I asked him about his family. He was very close to them, his Mother and Father were still married, he had an older brother and a younger sister, and he called both of them his best friends. I went out on a limb and asked him if he had ever done modeling. He laughed a huge laugh, and said he had been asked before, but had never done it. He said he didn’t think he was all that good looking, and I believed that he really thought that. He went on to tell me that his little sister had done some modeling, that she was the beauty in their family, but she had mainly only done small time stuff in order to get money to go through school.

We talked for close to a hour, and I realized… Seth was not only cute, but his personality seemed to be amazing.

After I hung up, I started to freak out a little. Seth was really good looking, he seemed really nice, what happened if I did fall for him? Did I want that? What about Drew? He said I could see other people, but did he mean it? Did I care if he meant it or not? After all, he didn’t want me. Why should I want him?

I reached for the phone, to call Toni again, to have her help me sort it all out, but I stopped myself. I knew what she would say, that I was over thinking things. And I was. Seth was amazing, but I didn’t know him well enough to know if I liked him more than Drew, and I didn’t even know if he liked me. Maybe Seth and I would get into a relationship, and I found out that I actually liked him better than Drew. Maybe not. But Drew had said we should see where things took us, and I think I needed to do that. To relax, and see where life took me.

I set down the phone and went into the kitchen to make dinner.