I want you to want me

The short work week went by a little faster, helped by the fact that we were so busy. We had a short staff meeting on Tuesday, where job’s for Friday’s dinner were assigned. I was assigned a new task, along with Matt. Each year we voted on how we were going to celebrate the holidays. The agency allotted a certain amount of money per person, and we decided if we wanted bonuses, a party, ect. This year, with the economy being so tight, we decided to adopt a family in our neighborhood and use that money to buy them groceries and gifts for the kids. Mama Rivers had asked in staff meeting if anyone wanted to go shopping early on Friday, trying to snag some good deals to try to stretch our money. As soon as she said that whoever went that morning got to skip the Thanksgiving dinner, my hand flew up. And Matt’s followed.

It’s not that I didn’t like Thanksgiving meal we provided, I knew it helped out a lot of people, but I always got stuck with the crappy jobs. If I could do something else and skip it all together, well. That would work for me. I would also get to spend some more time with Drew. Even though he had volunteered to come help out as well with the dinner on Friday, this way he could just go shopping with Matt and I. Hell, maybe we could split up and get the job done faster.

When the meeting was over, Matt and I grabbed two leftover lunches from the kitchen, and headed upstairs to spend our lunch break pouring over black Friday ads.

“So.” I asked, munching down on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “Any new developments with Kellie?”

Matt sighed, booting up the computer so we could search online.

“She wants me to come home for Thanksgiving. She says we can talk. I told her that talking won’t help, that I’m really done, and she agrees with me, says she just wants to work on being friends. She says I’ve been such a big part of her life for so long, she can’t her life without me in it in some way, shape, or form. When I told her about the dinner, she offered to come up here. That’s like, huge for her.” He said, running a hand through his hair. “She’s obsessed with her family, never spent a holiday away from them, so. It’s a pretty big deal.”

“Are you going to let her?” I asked. I suddenly felt jealous and angry. It didn’t make any sense, but I didn’t want to have to welcome Kellie into my parent’s home for Thanksgiving, yet if she did come, it’s not like I could uninvited Matt, or just invite him.

“I mean I told her it was dumb to drive all the way up here for one day. Then she said she’d stay the next day to help with the dinner. She basically told me that no was not an option. What am I supposed to do?”

I shrugged, trying to hide my irritation. I tried to calm myself down, to tell myself that it was good for Matt to have someone to entertain him at Mom and Dad’s, and we would have a fourth person to help us shop. Still, my feathers were ruffled, and I couldn’t figure out why. It’s not like I thought Kellie was a bad person, or that she needed to stay away from Matt for his own good. I didn’t really know her, hadn’t even met her. Then I realized, the only reason for me to be upset was because I was jealous. Which was stupid! I had Drew, Matt wasn’t even dating Kellie anymore, and even if he was going to get back together with her, so what? I didn’t need every guy in my life to want me like that. If anything, it would be a lot easier on me if they didn’t.

“I mean we’ll skip your parents, Ella. I don’t want to invite myself and a guest somewhere.” He said, a worried look on his face.

“No, no. Matt it’s fine.” I said, smiling. Relief washed over his face. “We always have WAY too much food, and my parents already know that I invited the whole office, so trust me, they’ll make room. But just… Be careful with Kellie, OK?”

“What do you mean?” He asked, turning back to the computer to look through Toys R Us’ ad.

“I just mean, as a girl who has dated a few of her guy friends… It’s really hard, if not impossible to go back to friends mode. I mean, maybe after some time has passed, but this quickly? No. I think Kellie might be trying to show you that she’s willing to compromise, to leave her family and come be with you. And if that’s the only reason you two broke up, then great! But, if you’re really done with her in a girlfriend way? Just be careful. She’ll start to take any sign of friendship as flirting and then get back on this ‘we’re going to get back together’ kick, and it could blow up in your face.”

“So you don’t think you can go back to being friends with a person after you’ve dated them?” He asked, turning to look at me. I suddenly felt nervous under his intense eyes.

“It depends. If you honestly mutually decide to break up, then yeah, you could stay friends. But if not? One person is always wanting the other person back. So it’s hard, and it takes time.”

“And you’re willing to do that to your friendship with Drew?”

“Yup.” I answered.

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?” I asked, laughing a little.

“I mean, from what you’re saying, if you break up, if it’s not mutual, you lose him all together. Why would you risk that?”

“Because. I don’t ever see myself breaking up with Drew.” I said, simply.

I was surprised at the look of anger that flashed across Matt’s face. But, as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared, and Matt flicked his intense eyes back to the computer screen. However, for the rest of the time up in the computer room, Matt didn’t say anything to me. When lunch was over, he handed me a list of deals he had written down, and walked out.

I was glad that Matt had brought his car back with him after his trip to Indiana, it saved us a very awkward ride home together. I decided to skip going straight home, and instead stop by the grocery store to pick up a few things to make for Thanksgiving. Even though my Mom had told me it was all taken care of, I knew anything extra would be eaten, and I felt in a festive mood. Being festive was often rare for me. I spent so much time at the agency, decorating for one holiday or another, doing holiday craft’s with the kids, doing holiday parties… By the end of it all, I was so over it. After putting up and decorating the six trees we kept at the agency for Christmas, I didn’t want to rush home and put mine up. After cooking food for hundreds of people, I didn’t want to make a side dish for twenty more. So when I did get in the mood to do something festive, I jumped on it. Maybe this year I would actually get my own house decorated for a change!

I came home to an empty house. Matt wasn’t there, but it was obvious he had been at some point because Cumulus had been fed and let out. Still, there was no note, showing that I wasn’t paranoid, that he was mad at me, because Matt always let me know where he was. I sighed, setting down the groceries and throwing Cumulus a treat. Then I rolled up my sleeves, and started to work.

A few hours later, the house smelled fantastic, and I was covered in flour. I felt good, and even went as far as to cook a few extra’s to take into work the next day. I had forgotten about Matt, and was startled when he walked in the door with a strange blonde woman.

FB: Cuz your eyes told the tale of an act of betrayal

“What?” I asked, not sure I had heard him right.

“Dead. Ella. Mom said she just got a call from Michelle’s roommate who… Found her.” His voice cracked again. However, the rest of his voice was strangely devoid of emotion. He had gone from panicked to nothing in a second, and that caused me to panic even more.

He stopped searching for his clothes and sat down on the bed, his chin in his hand.

“Jacob?” I asked, after a few moments of silence. I reached over and touched his shoulder lightly, to which he jumped.

“My phone.” He said, standing, searching the bed frantically. “Where is it?”

He had thrown it on the bed when he had jumped up to find his clothes. He was throwing the blankets around so violently that if his phone had been right on top of the covers, it now could have been across the room.

“Jacob. Calm down, I’ll find it.” I said, easing my hands over the comforter until I found the bump of a cell phone. I handed it to him. “Who are you calling?”

“Michelle.”

“Jacob…” I said carefully.

“No, Ella. I know her. I know her mind games. This is just some sick trick to get me to call her and find out she’s OK. She figures I’ll be so relieved when I find out that she’s not dead, that I won’t be angry at her anymore.” He was searching through his contacts for her. “She’s got another thing coming. I told her I was done with her stupid head games, I’m going to tell her off.”

He sounded so angry, so crazy… I didn’t know what to say. I listened in silence, and heard the phone ring. It sounded so loud and lonely coming from the receiver, it frightened me a little. I was actually hoping Michelle would pick up. This would all be so much easier if she did.

But, she didn’t. Her voicemail clicked on, and Jacob hung up, hit redial. Again, loud, long, lonely rings. Over and over, he would hang up and try again. Finally, with a frustrated growl, he punched in another number.

“Who are you calling now?” I asked, my voice small. I was partly afraid he was strike out at me.

“Her roommate. Michelle put her up to this. Her roommate is such a kiss ass to Michelle. But I’ll make her tell me the truth.”

More rings, another voicemail. Jacob left a hurried simple message. Call me back. Now. And hung up. More numbers were dialed, however, no one was answering their phones.

“See? I knew it. It’s all a game. Michelle probably told them that if they didn’t want to lie to me than just not to talk to me. She’s such a bitch.” It was like he was trying to convince himself. Although, it obviously wasn’t working, because he still picked up the phone, still dialed numbers, desperately searching to talk to someone who would tell him what he wanted to hear.

“I’m going to go get dressed.” I said, grabbing some clothes and heading for the bathroom. If he hadn’t grunted at me, I wouldn’t have known that he even registered that I had said anything at all.

Once in the bathroom, I shut the door, locked it, and dialed Jacob’s mother.

“How’s he doing?” She sniffed as an answer. She was crying. She obviously believed it.

“He’s telling me this is all one of Michelle’s games. That’s she’s trying to make him panic and want her back. He’s calling everyone back home, trying to find someone who will tell him something.”

“Oh Lord.” She sighed.

“Is… Is that a possibility?” I asked, hopeful. While Michelle being alive would cause a lot of drama, I still would rather that over her being dead.

“No, Ella. It’s not. I just got off the phone with her…. Father.” She spit out the word like it tasted bad. “He was very matter of fact about the whole thing.”

“What happened?” I asked, not really sure I wanted to know, but knowing for Jacob’s sake, I should.

She swallowed loudly, and spoke with a shaking voice: “According to Lucy, that’s her roommate, Michelle’s been pretty withdrawn since she got back. Lucy said she knew Michelle was upset about it, but wasn’t really worried about it yet. We all knew Michelle was in love with Jacob, so she figured it was just like a breakup. Michelle would mope for a little while, get over it, and go back to being… Michelle.” She paused for a moment, and when she spoke again, I could hear the tears in her voice. “Lucy just kept apologizing. Over and over. She said she should have known something was up… But I should have known too. Michelle came over here… And she just looked so, lost. I told her she should call Jake. I told her that he missed her too, but she just shook her head and told me she had other plans.” Sandy laughed a weird little laugh at this, a mix of a laugh and a sob. “She looked almost… Happy when she said that. I figured, maybe she’s planning on going to school. Or maybe she had met someone else. I just didn’t see it.”

“Oh Sandy…” I said, my heart breaking for the woman. “It’s not your fault.”

“But it is, in a way. I mean, I did love the girl. She made it difficult to do so, but she’s been such a huge part of Jacob’s life… How could I not love her? And I didn’t even tell her. I just let her walk away. Told her not to be a stranger, and thought about how weird it was that someone could look so lost and sad, but relieved at the same time.”

We were both quiet for a moment. Then Sandy spoke again, her voice clearer and matter-of-fact.

“Lucy had school today. She said Michelle was supposed to work, but I guess she didn’t. After class Lucy went to her parents to do some laundry, then to the library to study. When she came home, it was dark. The apartment was dark. She figured Michelle went out or something. Said she was relieved, thought Michelle might be pulling out of her funk over Jacob. She made dinner, and watched TV, she kept waiting for Michelle to come home, but she didn’t. She texted her, told her she was hoping she had fun… Then about midnight, she went to lay out her clothes for tomorrow. Said she had an early meeting and wanted to make sure she wasn’t late. She remembered Michelle said she could borrow something, so she went into her room to look. That’s when she saw Michelle on the bed. She thought…” Her voice cracked, and she sounded like a female version of Jacob, which, I guess she was. “She thought Michelle was just sleeping. She tried to wake her up, but when she couldn’t… That’s when she called nine-one-one. They searched the apartment and found the empty pill bottles. She had pretty much taken every pill they had in the apartment. They said they were scattered around the apartment. One empty bottle in the kitchen, two empty bottles in the bathroom... Lucy didn't even notice, who would?”

We were both quiet again. I could almost still hear Jacob dialing in the next room. The loud ringing of the phone. I knew it had to be in my head, he was down the hall with the TV on. But still, I heard that endless ringing. A question waiting to be answered.

“Are they sure it was a….” I trailed off, not able to say the words.

“They can’t say for sure yet.” Sandy answered, sniffing. “They found a note. The police did. Lucy wasn’t allowed to read it, they just let her glance at it so she could confirm that it was Michelle’s handwriting. But I mean… Really, what else could it be?”

She was right. It was unlikely that Michelle had been murdered. “Maybe it was an accident?” I asked, sounding too hopeful and too naïve.

A bitter, choked laugh came out of Sandy’s mouth. “Lucy said they found at least six different empty pill bottles. She doesn’t know if they found more, but she said they were scattered around the apartment, like... Like if they found her before it was over, they'd have a harder time finding the bottles and knowing what she took. That's not an accident.”

We wrapped up the conversation. She made me promise to make Jacob wait until morning to come home. There was nothing he could do right now, and she didn’t want him to be driving at night, tired and upset. I promised her that I would at least make him wait until morning, or even try to get the day off to drive him down there myself. I almost hoped that I couldn’t get the day off. I know it sounds selfish, I did want to be there for Jacob, but I felt so uncomfortable going, so out of place, so guilty for being there. Besides, Michelle had wanted Jacob all to himself, and I just felt like maybe, right now, I should at least give her that. I wanted to check on Jacob first, and then make a couple of phone calls. I thought maybe Drew should know, and maybe if I couldn’t get more time off work, that he could come get Jacob.

I walked back into the bedroom, and was surprised to see that Jacob had finally gotten a hold of someone.

“You’re a fucking liar!” He yelled. I stepped back, feeling like I was intruding. “This is all your fault, you hear me? You did this to her, you broke her, and I will kill you!” He shouted. “KILL YOU, do you HEAR me?” He looked at his phone, realizing that whoever he was talking too hung up. “FUCK!” He yelled, throwing his phone against the wall. It smashed into pieces. And then, so did Jacob.

He slid to the floor, his head buried in his hands, his body shaking. I went to him just as Jarren and Sammy cautiously poked their heads into the room. As I wrapped my arms around his massive shoulders, I looked at them and just shook my head. The backed out of the room.

“Jacob, it’s OK.”

“No.” He sobbed. “It’s all my fault, and she’s gone.”

Sorry

I know I said I'd post this weekend, and I really meant too, but then the weekend just kinda got away from us. Friday was SUPPOSED to be my date night with my husband. My in laws called and pretty much demanded we come over that night, because they had bought my son something, and they couldn't lift it out of their trunk. I find it really odd that they went from being totally broke and saying they had to skip Christmas, to buying him something so big they couldn't get it out of their trunk. So we go over there and it turns out to be a freaking train table.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. But I'm just kinda pissed off. For one, they called us Thursday and told us that they would be able to get him something and asked what we wanted for him. Well, we already bought him everything we wanted to get (with the exception of this dinosaur thing, but it's 130 dollars, and I wasn't going to spend that much on him, let alone ask someone else too.) So I went online and spent time finding gifts I thought he'd like that weren't too expensive (they were all 25 dollars or under.) I don't know why they even bothered to ask, because they didn't get him anything on the list. Yet, they spent 130 freaking dollars on this train table. He'll LOVE it when he's older, but right now? He has no idea what it is. And my Mother in law is all "I hope he doesn't throw the trains" and I'm just like... Are you kidding me? He throws EVERYTHING. That's how he sets things down. He's a year old! And then the train table says on the box that it's for ages 3 and up or maybe even four and up, and I know, a lot of toys say that, but it's like, any kid can play with it, but it's just, there are a lot of small pieces and it's just a choking hazard. Then there's the fact that it's huge, and they know we have NO room at our house, so it's staying at theres... And that's dumb, because we're NEVER over there...

Again, I know I sound selfish and ungrateful, being as how I was just on here complaining about how they weren't going to get him anything, but I just feel like, they don't think about what HE would want, what HE would like. He's at my Mom's house at LEAST once a week, if not more, and she still send the majority of his toys and stuff home with us so he can play with it. But it's like, everything my Mother in law gets for him, she wants to keep there. And we've been there MAYBE 10 times since he's been born. That's less than once a month. What's the point? I just feel like she buys these big huge things to give off the appearance that he's there all the time... Like she bought a super expensive highchair that he never uses, she wanted to buy a crib for him, and he'll NEVER spend the night there. It's just SUCH a waste.

Then there's the fact that my Father in law is going to die. And I'm so angry and I want to say something but my husband keeps telling me not too, and that it's his life, and yada yada yada. They're looking at this heart stent surgery like it's a cure all. I mean the artery they're putting the stent in? is 60% blocked. The rest of them are 80-100% blocked. It's not good. And he's still eating hamburgers and cheesy bacon fries and just complete and utter crap. So we go over there to get this stupid train table out of their house and take it inside, and my Father in law (who didn't help move it. I'm not complaining about that, he shouldn't be lifting, but I just wanted you guys to know he didn't do any lifting or really any activity) is standing at the backdoor, just standing there, and you can hear him gasping for breath. And my mother in law? Suggest we go out to dinner at CiCi's.

So we go out to dinner. And my in laws know people EVERYWHERE, they make friends with restaurant managers and waitresses and stuff (it's probably how they don't end up getting spit in their food. Seriously? Worst people ever to eat out with. They are SO fucking picky.) Anyway, so the manager comes over to talk. My mother in law introduces Jeremy and I, and then says "Cayden, our grandson, is at the baby-sitters."

It's so stupid, but it pissed me off. She KNEW he was with my Mom. Why the hell did she call my Mom the babysitter? Why not "Cayden's with his other Grandma"?

Ugh. So we had to deal with that Friday night, Saturday we ran errands all day long (got a zhu zhu pet. We stood in line at toys r us to get one for friends, now they don't want them and I don't want them. I keep going back and forth between whether or not I want to keep it. Cayden really liked it in the store, but we didn't take it out of the box. However, my Mom already got him one, so is there a point to keeping two? I should just ebay the bad boy.) And today we had to go back to the inlaws to put together the stupid train table.

So, long story short, I just plain forgot about updating this weekend. But, tomorrow, I'll lead off with a flashback post to make it up to you guys, OK?

FB: Tow Boats leavin cuz it don't care, what's not on board and who's not there...

Jacob and I didn’t have as much time together in my hometown as we did at his. He was only staying a couple of days, and most of those I would have to go back to work for. Luckily, since I worked for a non-profit, we were always desperate for volunteers, so I had been able to arrange it so that Jacob could come with me to work, under the guise of volunteering.

The days I had off, I took him to my favorite haunts. We went to the zoo, and to COSI, got coffee at Stauf’s, ate ice cream at Jeni’s, visited my favorite local restaurants. We ran together in the morning at Antrim park. The only thing we didn’t do was spend a lot of time at the apartment.

Jarren was at the apartment, and when Jacob was around, all she did was annoy me. She flirted with him, asked him constantly if he had any marine friends to hook her up with, even though she finally had a boyfriend. She just pestered the crap out of both of us. She didn’t know how to take a hint, I’d be trying to spend some alone time with Jacob, and she’d bust into my room, and wouldn’t leave. So after the first day, we spent as much time as we could out of the apartment.

I also took Jacob to meet my parents. We had lunch together, and I was glad to see they got along with him. The only boyfriend I had ever had that my parent’s hadn’t liked was Chris. I didn’t feel like I needed to seek out my parents approval of who I dated, but it did make things a lot easier if they liked my boyfriend.

The night before I returned to work Jacob and I decided to do something relaxing, and so we decided to go see a movie. It was a later showing, and I was worried about being up too late and having to get up early, but I decided just let it go. If I got too tired, I could always fall asleep in the movie, and if I was a little tired in the morning, so what? I’d just make it a free day for the kids and take it easy.

In the middle of the movie, I went to use the bathroom. While in the stall, I checked my messaged. I had eighteen missed calls from Jarren, and five texts. I stood out in the lobby and dialed her number.

“Jarren? What’s going on?” I asked when I heard her answer.

“Ohmigodthankyou where were you? I need you to come get me. Like, now.”

“Where are you?” I asked. “What’s going on?”

“I’m at a motel on the Southside. With Sammy. I need you to come get us.” Sammy was Jarren’s cousin. She was a sweet girl, quiet, and she let Jarren run all over her.

“What’s going on?”

“I met this guy online, and I thought he’d be perfect for Sammy, but you can’t meet guys alone, you know that’s dangerous, so I went with Sammy to meet him. He was nice enough but he was flirting with Sammy and I asked him why and he got all mad and left.”

Her story made no sense. But, I knew Jarren. What had probably happened was that SHE met the guy online for herself, took Sammy with her to meet him, he flirted with Sammy instead of her, and Jarren probably got angry.

“Why can’t Eric pick you up?” Eric was Jarren’s new boyfriend.

“He just… Can’t. OK, can you come get me or not? I’m afraid this guys gonna come back and go crazy again.”

“Whatever. I’m like fifteen minutes away. Is there somewhere nearby you can walk too and wait for me? Someplace safer?”

“Yeah, there’s a Waffle House right in front of us. We’re at the Budget Inn on South High.”

“Fine. Go there. I’ll come get you.”

I pulled Jacob out of the theatre and half explained what was going on. He didn’t need to know the full story, just that Jarren was stranded and needed a ride. I was mad about wasting the money to only watch half the movie, and I was even more pissed off when I got to the Waffle House and found out that Jarren had ordered food, but “forgot” her purse in Eric’s car and needed to “borrow” the money to cover the check.

We brought both Jarren and Sammy back to our place, where Jarren immediately got online, and Sammy crashed, looking bored, onto the sofa. Jacob followed me into my room.

“You’re a good friend, Ella. But that chick, she walks all over you.”

“Sometimes.” I admitted. “Jarren and I have been friends for awhile. She’s been there for me through a lot. She’s having a rough time right now. She’s fighting with her Dad and sister, her Mom is sick, and is having a lot of family drama in general… She’s raised her nieces from birth and now her sister wants them back. So it’s a huge custody battle and Jarren feels like she might lose her little sisters.” I shrugged. “I can handle her being a little… Selfish.”

Jacob shrugged. “You should text Mom about that book we found today. See if she wants me to pick it up for her. I’m gonna grab something to eat, you want something?”

“Sure, grab me a snack.” I answered. I reached for my phone to text Sandy about an Elvis impersonation kit-book we found at half priced books. She was a huge Elvis fan and we thought she’d get a kick out of it. However, when I grabbed my phone, I realized that it was dead. I had forgotten to charge it the night before. I plugged mine in, and saw Jacob’s phone laying on the table. I grabbed it, planning on texting his Mom from his phone.

When I entered his inbox though, I couldn’t help but look through his texts. I knew I shouldn’t have, it was an invasion of privacy, and it’s not like I didn’t trust Jacob. I was just… Curious, was all. The only texts he had in his inbox were from earlier in the day, from his Mom. The conversation went something like this:

Mom: Saw M. today.
Jacob: What’d she want?
M: She looked horrible Jake. You should rly call her.
J: Did she apologize? Did she ask you to tell me to call?
M: No. She just looked… Alone. She dropped off some of yr stuff.
J: Then drop it Mom.

“Did you text Mom?” Jacob asked, startling me.

“…No. My phone’s dead. Can I use yours?” I asked, trying to play it off, hoping he didn’t catch me snooping.

“Sure.” He said, shrugging.

I texted his Mom, and then snuggled down next to him. Jacob had made popcorn, which we ate while watching old sitcom reruns on Nick at Night. I’m not sure when we drifted off to sleep, I just know a little while later, I woke to Jacob’s phone ringing, the TV still on.

“Hello?” He answered, groggily. “What?” He asked, sounding confused. “I don’t understand. No. No Mom. Mom… Are you sure? Are you really sure?” Panic was filling his voice, which made panic creep up in the back of my throat. Middle of the night phone calls were never a good thing.

“Mom. I’m coming home. Yes, right now. I’ll call you. Bye.” He said, jumping up out of bed.

“Jake, what’s going on?”

“It’s Michelle.” He said, searching the floor for his pants.

“What about her?” I asked, propping myself up.

“Mom says…” His voice cracked. By the light of the TV I could see his eyes were wet.

“What?”

“Mom says she’s dead.”

One hand on the trigger of a telephone

I didn’t really feel like calling my Mom. I didn’t mind asking her what to bring for Thanksgiving, but I wasn’t looking forward to telling her that Drew and I were dating.

Mom and I had a pretty good relationship, I guess. She wasn’t the type of Mom who pushed me into dating and marriage and all that, at least not yet she hadn’t. We had our moments where we fought, what child and parent didn’t? But for the most part, we were good. It’s just that… I hated discussing my personal life with her. I don’t know why, she never judged me, never pushed me, never really did anything. But discussing who I was dating with her just made me a little embarrassed for some reason. Especially now it that it was Drew, I wasn’t sure how she would respond. I knew she loved Drew, I knew she thought he was a good guy. She had made a few comments before, wondering why someone hadn’t snapped him up. It was her only push in the direction of Drew, telling me what a great guy he was. I considered waiting until we showed up, but I also didn’t want her to make a big deal of us being together. I could never really predict how she was going to react to something. One time, while playing yahtzee with me, my cousin, my cousin’s boyfriend, and one of my friends, my Mom got a yahtzee and screamed hot damn and danced around the room. She embarrassed my cousin so badly, my cousin left in tears. Another time though, she won five hundred dollars on a scratch off lottery ticket, and barely made a peep. If we just showed, there was a chance she’d say nothing, or a chance that she’d run around the house, yelling our coupledom status to everyone and planning our wedding.

I needed to call her.

I also needed to find out if there was anything I could bring, and make sure if I brought Drew, and possibly Matt. I was still angry at him, but the thought of anyone spending Thanksgiving alone made me feel bad. I had such a guilt complex.

I waited, catching up on paperwork and busy work until a decent hour when I knew my Mom would be fully awake. I took a deep breath and picked up the phone and called her cell phone.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Hi Mom.”

I waited for her to speak. She didn’t.

“Momma?” I asked, wondering if we had lost connection.

“Why, it can’t be. Ella? Is that you? My long lost daughter who I haven’t heard from in such a long time?”

“Funny, Mom. You know how it gets around here when it’s the holiday season. We’ve been crunched for time.” It was a half truth. She didn’t need to know the drama with Jason. And Holidays were busy, with Thanksgiving dinner for the community, and toy drives and such.

“I know, I know. But seriously, El, Daddy and I were about to send out the search party!”

“Well the phone works in both ways Mom.” I shot back.

“Do we get blessed with a visit for Thanksgiving?” She asked.

“That’s what I was calling about. What can I bring?”

“Nothing. It’s all covered.” My Mom said. She said this every year. My Mom liked to do all the cooking, and then complain about how she had to do all the cooking later.

“Well, is it OK if I bring some extra guests?” I asked, tapping my pen against my desk.

“Sure, sure. We always have plenty of room. Who’s coming.”

“Well, possibly some co-workers. We have some interns and since the free dinner’s on Friday this year, I’m not sure if they’ll be able to go home and make it back in time to work. And then, Drew’s coming…” I trailed off, waiting for her reaction.

“Well, you know Drew’s always welcome. You don’t even have to ask about him.” Mom answered. “Will he be bringing anyone?”

“Well. No.”

“So no girlfriend?” She asked.

“Well. Mom. He has a girlfriend.” I answered, carefully. I was nervous, and I had no idea why.

“Finally!” She yelled, clapping her hands together. “Have you met her? Is she nice?”

“Well, I think she’s fantastic.” I said, smiling.

“How long have they been together?”

“Not long. They’ve known each other for awhile though.”

“Well, what’s her name?”

“Me. Mom. Drew and I are together.”

Again, silence.

“Mom?” I asked, wondering about our connection again.

“Oh Ella. That’s… Great.” She finished. She didn’t sound like it was great. I suddenly felt a little wounded. I knew she thought the world of Drew, so did she think that I was the one who didn’t deserve him?

“What, Mom?” I asked, setting down my pen.

“What do you mean, what?” She asked.

“The tone. What’s with the tone?”

“Nothing. I think it’s wonderful that you and Drew are together. I can’t wait to see you guys on Thursday.”

“Right.” I said, not wanting to push it. “So. Two sound good? Or do you want me there earlier to help?”

“Two’s fine honey. I’ll see you then.”

“Yeah. Bye Mom.” I answered, hanging up the phone.

I had been in a better mood once I read Drew’s email and realized I would be seeing him in a few days, but talking to my Mom had put me right back in the foul mood that I had walked into work with. I don’t know what her deal was. I had expected her to at least be supportive, if not excited, and instead she sounded disappointed. I didn’t get it.

I did suck it up and fire out a mass email to everyone in the office, Matt including, inviting anyone who didn’t have a place to go to my parent’s house. I felt a little better after that, knowing that I wouldn’t be having turkey with a side of guilt.

I had been worried about bumping into Matt, but with all the catch up work I had to do, plus all the prep work we needed to get down for our free Thanksgiving community dinner on Friday, I didn’t have time to be worried. I was either shut up in my office doing paperwork, or in the kitchen prepping pans of food to be cooked later. I saw him a couple of times, but he had a lot of grunt work to do. Pulling out the decorations, unloading food donations, and when the afterschool kids got there, he was in charge of keeping them occupied with a giant game of kickball while the rest of us continued to prep dinner.

Finally, it was quitting time. I opted to stay and work on more paperwork, hoping to catch up enough that I wouldn’t have to come in on the weekend. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with Drew. I thought I was alone, so I jumped when I heard a knock on my office door.

I spun around in my office chair. Matt was leaning against the door.

“Ella. I just wanted to say… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have thrown away the letter, it wasn’t my place. I just… Saw how upset he made you, and I got so angry that I thought… I don’t know.”

I felt my anger soften a little. “It wasn’t your place Matt. I understand wanting to protect your friends, but you crossed a line.”

“I know. I wish I could take it back, it was just… A spur of the moment decision. And a stupid one at that.” He was quiet for a moment. “Did you mean to send me that invite to your parent’s house?”

“Of course. I don’t want anyone to spend the holidays alone. You think I’d let you sit alone at the house with a turkey pot pie?”

He shrugged. “You were pretty angry. And if I were you… I would have been too. And I wouldn’t have invited you home.”

“I guess I’m just a better person than you.” I said, smiling.

“Hey now.” He said, smiling back. “So I get to meet the family, eh?” He asked, crossing the room and sitting on the corner of my desk.

“I guess. You ready for that?”

“Sure. I can handle it. Who’s going to be there?”

“Aunts, Uncles, cousins. My parents obviously. Anyone from here who doesn’t have a place to go. Drew.”

“Drew’s coming?”

“Yeah. We’re kind of dating now.” I said smiling.

“Oh…” He trailed off. There was an awkward silence. “Well. I better go home. Walk Cumulus. Be safe.” He said, leaving kind of abruptly.

I sighed. Why was everyone getting so weird when I said I was dating Drew?

Whatever Wednesday: Midnight Madness

So last week I obviously took Thursday off for Thanksgiving. How was everyone's, by the way? Ours was fun, and super tasty. My cousins announced that they're expecting! I was a tad jealous, but they don't have any kids together, (my cousin Jamie has a daughter, he married Rebecka and she doesn't have any.) And, they've been trying for - get this - two years. I know people try that long, and longer, but man. That's just crazy for me. I hope we're not trying for two years! (I'm not pregnant by the way. I got my period. So. I'm hoping maybe Santa brings me a positive pregnancy test for Christmas?)

I am very glad, however, that I decided to also take Friday off. We decided, for some stupid reason, to go to Toys R Us at midnight when they opened. I've never been out on Black Friday, at least not anywhere near the times when stores opened. And, I will never go out again. It was just nuts. It didn't help that Toys R Us had NO organization what-so-ever. And, I don't think they've ever chosen to open at midnight before, but they had to know that opening before ANY other store was going to draw a crowd. We showed up at 11 to stand in line, and the line? Was already behind the store. By the time they opened at midnight, it went down the street and back around. People were fist fighting, cops were called, and everything flew off the shelves and was just gone. We got everything that was on our list though, and we helped my friend Rachel (who has four kids and is pregnant with her 5th) get everything on her list. We got in pretty much right around midnight (it may have been 12:05 or something) but we didn't get out of there until 3 AM. And it wasn't like we had a ton of shopping to do. I think we had four things on our list, and my friend Rachel had like, 8? If that? And most of our shopping was done while one of us was standing in line. It just took that long to get through the line. The line was a mess in itself. People were trying to cut line, people would stand in the electronics line thinking that was the checkout line, only to wait and finally get up there and find out, no, they had to go stand at the back of the line which was another 18 hour wait... Toys R Us just had no organization. It being my first year out, I thought everywhere was like that. But, after we were done, we decided to run over to walmart (Not for their sale, there was a movie Jeremy wanted that had gone on sale at midnight, their sale didn't start till 4 or 5 I think.) And I mean... From the looks of it? They had their shit together. They had information booths at each entrance where you could grab an ad, a map, or ask a question. They had lines forming in area's that wouldn't be so crowded (like at the grocery) for hot items like TV's or whatever. I mean I wasn't there when the sale started, but it just seemed like it should have run a lot more smoothly than Toys R Us.

So then we got home around four AM and went to bed. I then got up at 9 to take my sister to work, and to go out shopping some more. The stores weren't too bad then, actually our longest wait was for lunch. But we were shopping ALL day Friday. We had to stop a few more places for us, but I also told my Mom that we would get some of her shopping done, so we had to run a bunch of places for her. All in all, I would go shopping ON black Friday again, but NEVER when a store opens, not unless it's at Walmart or something is SERIOUSLY on sale.

We are, however, done with our shopping for the most part. I ordered Cayden's last real present, I'm picking up a few random stocking stuffers, and then we just need to pick up a gift for my Mother in law, which we know what we're getting and we're ordering it online, I just need to wait till Jeremy gets paid to do it, and I need to get my sister's gift, which again, I know what we're getting her, we just need to wait to get paid. We were going to wait to get Cayden's last present, but we couldn't find it ANYWHERE, it was even sold out everywhere I looked online (Toys R Us, Etoys, Amazon...) Finally I found it on the Mattel website. It's Rocky, the robot truck. He goes nuts for that thing every time he sees it in the stores. But I've pretty much been shopping every day since Wednesday of last week. We went grocery shopping Wednesday, Thursday we went out to a few stores before we had dinner, Friday we did the crazy Black Friday thing (we also hit up a thrift store and I managed to find Cayden the little tikes pick up truck I wanted! 15 dollars! I'm so excited, I love good deals!), Saturday and Sunday I went out shopping some more with my Mom, and last night I got a message from my friend saying that they had zhu-zhu pet accessories at a Toys R Us, which my Mom has been looking everywhere for. She managed to get Cayden one of those (I personally think they're dumb. And I think Cayden's going to care less about it, but whatever, it's her thing) But she REALLY wanted an accessory, so we drove up there to get it. My goal for the rest of this week? Not to step foot in another store. Seriously, I'm done.

Anyone else go out on black friday? I know a couple of you said you were working it, how'd it go? Did everyone else get any Holiday shopping done? I also did the rest of the decorating and some of the wrapping. All of Cayden's gifts except for one (and the one we're waiting on, which should be here tomorrow) are wrapped. I'll probably bust out the rest and get them done tonight. The tree is up. I was terrified of doing it. Between the cats knocking off the ornament, the dog eating them, we had enough to battle with last year. Now that Cayden is walking, I was worried about him pulling the tree down on his head or breaking some of them. He has taken a few ornaments off the tree (he keeps finding the ornament we bought him this year, even though I keep moving it. He takes it off the tree and talks to it, so cute.) He's so far only broken one. And luckily it was plastic, it was a Minnie Mouse and her head popped off. Whoops. I damn near killed myself though, putting up the tree. I stepped in dog poop getting it out of the closet (I hadn't noticed that my dog had had an accident.) I hit a stroller with it that was leaning against the wall and caused it to fall on Cayden's head (I felt really bad) I nearly fell down the stairs, and almost broke the computer with it. Then when I was upstairs pulling it out, Cayden climbed up the stairs and started playing in the toilet. And finally, when I was taking ornaments out of their boxes, I managed to give myself a paper cut on the cardboard.

I love Christmas. I hate decorating. How about you guys? Tree up yet? For any Jewish people, do you guys ever set out the Menorah early or anything? I know the family I worked for used to put out blue lights too. Any Kwanzaa people? What are your guys Holiday traditions?

I know you guys said you want to hear about in law drama, and we may have some here soon. Jeremy's starting to get really upset with them, and I have a feeling we may be fighting on Christmas.

Here's so background information before I tell you what's going on: With my Father in law's heart condition, they have him off work until at LEAST he gets his stents in. Maybe longer, we don't know yet. He doesn't get his stents in till the 10th, so he's been off work since his heart cath. He had a little bit of vacation time (like a week, I think) but now he's got nothing. He can't collect short term disability because he recieves a pension. So. Basically money right now is tight for them. On top of everything else, their car is broken. It still runs, but something (and I know nothing about cars) is leaking, so to give it a short term fix, they had to turn off their heater in order to be able to drive the car. Which means the defogger also doesn't work.

Alright, on to the story. My Mother in law's birthday was the 18th (I think, it was on one of the teenth days in Novemeber) They call us up and ask us if we wanted to go to Joe's Crab Shack with them. We tell them we can't, we don't have any money. My Mother in law offers to put it on their credit card, and we can pay them back later. OK, fine. So we go out to dinner with them. My father in law is stuffing his face with one of their huge buckets of crab (which aren't cheap either.) While crab isn't horrible for you, it is when you're dousing it in butter (they told him he needs to lose a ton of weight for his heart). Then his portion sizes were out of control (he ate one of those huge buckets, along with fries, and then got 18 peel and eat shrimps and ate them by himself. It was kinda funny to me because he got the fries without salt for his heart. We decided not to say anything, it was a special occasion, he can splurge and then back on his diet. We talk about going out to lunch the next day, someplace cheap because everyone is broke. They were talking about going shopping over here, so we picked a cheap place. The next day, they call us. They don't want to meet us anymore because then they would have to drive when it's dark outside and their defogger doesn't work and they can't see very well. So they cancel on us. We ended up meeting them to drop off my Mother in law's birthday gift and to borrow their camera. We met them at O'Charleys, where they were eating out, again, and when Jeremy walked in, his Dad was eating cheesy bacon fries. So then we invited them to my Uncle's house for Thanksgiving. We know they don't want to take their car, because it's broken, so we offer to drive them in our car. We've never spent a Thanksgiving together, so we thought it would be nice. They cancel on us, instead opting to go out to eat again.
We called them a month ago to ask them to buy Cayden this robot truck for Christmas (they had asked for suggestions). So we called them yesterday to find out if they were going to get it for him. They told us that they were going to have to wait on Christmas gifts. They were out to eat when they said this. Not only were they out to eat, but they were also getting ready to head across town in the dark to go shopping at this Pottery place.

Jeremy's pissed. And I don't blame them. I know Christmas isn't about the gifts, and I could honestly care less if they get me or Jeremy anything. But to not get Cayden anything? I mean not even something cheap? Or make him something? I mean, we don't know for sure that they won't, they just really sound like they're not going too. I also think it's ridiculous that they're complaining about not having money, and yet they've been out at least four times in the last what, week? At least four times, and who knows if it's been more that we don't know about? And they don't eat cheap. It's not like, oh, I'm going to get a McDouble from McDonalds that's only a buck. It's at least forty dollars for the both of them. And that also means that my Father in law isn't eating healthy. I mean from what I saw, and from what Jeremy saw when he dropped off his Mom's gift? He's not. And then there's the fact that they canceled on us because they don't want to drive over in the dark, but they have no problem going shopping when it's dark outside. And they have no problem going shopping for themselves when they have no money.

I mean I'm just frustrated. I know it's their money and they can spend it as they like, but I just am really pissed off that Mary Anne gives me this I am the greatest Grandma in the world act and then turns around and acts SO selfishly towards her Grandson. Or that Mary Anne can give me a guilt trip like "Oh we never see him, can you pencil us in to your busy schedule" and then cancels on us when we make plans, or opts to go out to dinner instead of spending a holiday with us. And I'm REALLY pissed that we're all so concerned about George and his heart, but he can't even put down the cheeseburger to save himself. It's like, why should I even care? Why should I worry? I love George, I don't want him to die, but he obviously doesn't care either way.

Am I making sense? Or am I just the one being selfish?

FB: Now I'm not one to worry but I've got a real bad feeling this time.

When Michelle caught my eye, I became frozen, like a deer caught in the headlights. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t look away, I couldn’t even blink. I just stood there, standing, with my mouth slightly ajar. I’m sure it was a great look for me.

Jacob saw the look on my face. “Ella, what’s wrong…” He started, following my gaze. He stopped when he spotted Michelle. “Oh…” He finished, raising his hand to weakly wave at her.

I wasn’t sure what I expected. A scene, I guess. I expected Michelle to come over and tell both of us off, to beg for Jacob back, to shoot me a dirty look, to give me the finger, to shout something… I expected her to do SOMETHING. Instead, she just looked at Jacob with the saddest look I’ve ever seen. She was shaking her head slightly as she turned to walk away, and I could be mistaken, but I’m pretty sure her eyes were filled with tears. And for the first time ever, I felt badly for Michelle.

“Ella…” Jacob finally spoke. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think she’d be here.” He reached for me, to give me a hug, but I dodged him. I didn’t want to be touched. All I could think about was Jason, and how I felt when I saw him with Kayla. At least I was still able to be friends with him. While I realized it was Michelle’s fault for placing the ultimatum on Jacob, I could imagine how much it had to of hurt. To see that hurt written all over Michelle’s face… Well, it just made it all too real for me, and I felt guilty.

“You didn’t think she’d be here? So there was part of you that knew there was a chance?” I asked, not looking at him.

“Well... Yeah. I mean, we used to come here a lot.”

“So… That’s what your Mom was fighting with you about? She knew too?”

“She brought it up…” Jacob said. I snuck a look at him. He was looking at the ground, scuffing his toe. He looked like a little boy who was about to be scolded. I sighed.

“Why’d you take that chance then Jacob? That wasn’t fair to me, you should have at least warned me.”

“I didn’t think she’d be here! She always complained about it when we came, said we were here all the time and it was boring. I thought she just put up with it for me. I love this place. That’s why I wanted to share it with you.”

“Yeah. Well. That’s why she came here Jacob. Because she knows you love it. She wanted to be close to you.”

“She didn’t know I’d be here.” He said, looking confused.

“It didn’t matter. She wanted to be somewhere where she could remember…” I looked at Jacob, and it was clear he didn’t understand what I meant. “Nevermind.” I said, waving him off. “It’s a girl thing, I guess.”

“You wanna just go home?” He asked.

I nodded. I wasn’t in the mood for this anymore, and I wasn’t sure if Michelle would leave or not. She was sad now, but it didn’t mean she wouldn’t come back angry. I was glad that I was leaving tomorrow, glad that I wouldn’t have to worry about any more run ins with Michelle for awhile.

The car ride back to Jacob’s house was quiet. I was a little angry, but I didn’t know where to place my anger. While Jacob could be accused of being insensitive or careless, I don’t think he really thought Michelle would be there. I couldn’t be angry at him for something that was essentially an accident. But, I was still upset. And, I still felt bad and a little guilty after seeing Michelle. I hated that. I didn’t want to feel bad for her.

When we walked into the house, Jacob’s Mom was in the living room. I eyed the glass in her hand. It was a clear liquid, and could have been water, but she jumped a mile high when we walked in.

“What are you guys doing home?” She asked, looking a little embarrassed.

“We bumped into Michelle.” Jacob explained, running a hand over his face.

Sandy pursed her lips like she was trying to stop an ‘I told you so’ from escaping.

“Was it bad?” She asked, walking into the kitchen with her glass. I watched her dump it down the sink.

“No. Not really.” Jacob said, just as I was about to say that it had been horrible.

“What’d she do?” Sandy asked, coming back into the room with a diet coke.

“She just… Left.” Jacob said.

“Oh. Well. Maybe she’s ready to let go?” Sandy asked, popping the top.

I shook my head. “I don’t think so. She just looked… Really sad.”

“Maybe you should talk to her Jake?” Sandy suggested.

“For what?” Jacob asked, walking into the kitchen himself. He came back with two cokes, tossed one to me, and plopped down in a chair next to his Mom.

“I think your Mom could be right Jacob. I mean she did look hurt. Maybe you should talk to her and just tell her… I don’t know? That you guys can still be friends if she wants?” I suggested. I hated that, I thought Michelle was an attention seeking whore. But I do think she had some serious issues, and needed all the friends she could get.

“No way. She pressed me to choose, and I did. It was her decision to leave. If she wants to come back, that’s fine. But, she’s the one who needs to come to me. And I think she owes both of us a big apology.”

“Jacob you could be the bigger person.” Sandy lectured.

“No. I’ve been the bigger person throughout our whole friendship. Ella’s right, we’ve all bailed Michelle out countless times. How’s she going to learn that she can’t treat people like this? If she wants to come back, I’m willing to let her back. It’s not like I’m holding a grudge. I just don’t think it’s too much to ask that she takes the first step.”

“Jacob…”

“Mom. Just stop pushing, OK?” Jacob said. It was the first time I’ve ever heard him even slightly annoyed at his Mom. The room got quiet, and things felt awkward.

“I’m just gonna go to bed. We should leave pretty early tomorrow.” I said, heading towards Jacob’s room.

“Alright. Do you want a wake up call? I wanted to take you guys out to breakfast before you left.” Sandy asked.

“Sure. I would like to be on the road by nine at the latest. So. Eight for breakfast?”

“Sounds good. See you in the morning.” Sandy called.

I was surprised when I headed to Jacob’s room and he didn’t follow. I heard, again, them start to argue in hushed tones and rolled my eyes. I loved Sandy, and even thought she was right, and that Jacob should talk to Michelle, but I did think she needed to stop pushing him to do something he didn’t want to do.

I slipped into the sheets and was still awake when Jacob came in, an hour later. He gently slipped into bed, and was snoring five minutes later. As hard as I tried, however, I couldn’t fall asleep. I tossed and turned, but I couldn’t get Michelle off my mind. It made me angry, I was doing what I told everyone else not too, making excuses for her and trying to cut her a break.

I don’t remember falling asleep, but I must have, because the next thing I knew, Sandy was popping her head in to Jacob’s room and telling us it was time to get up. I was glad that we had packed the morning before, I was so tired my brain wasn’t functioning.

We went to breakfast, and things were strained. You could tell whatever they had been arguing about the night before when I went to bed hadn’t been resolved. Sandy would try to talk to Jacob, but he would ignore her as best as possible, keeping his answers short and to the point. Sandy looked hurt, and a little frustrated, and I just felt awkward and was glad when it was time to leave.

With a quick hug from Sandy and promises to come visit soon, even if Jacob wasn’t home, we were on the road. I was thankful that Jacob offered to drive so that I could snooze in the front seat.

“Can you believe my Mom?” Jacob started as I laid back.

“Jacob she’s just being… A mom. She’s worried about Michelle.” I said, flipping on my side away from him, hoping he would get the hint that I wanted to nap.

“Are you saying you agree with her?” He asked in disbelief. “She’s not Michelle’s Mom, she’s mine. Shouldn’t she be on my side?”

I sighed. “I agree with her that you should talk to Michelle. But, I don’t think she should be pushing you so hard. And I think she is trying to be on your side. I’ve lost friends before, by fighting with them, or just by getting out of touch. I regret some of them. I think she’s trying to protect you from that. I think she thinks that if you don’t even try to talk to Michelle, down the line you’ll wish you had.”

“I won’t. Michelle made her choice. And as I said before, if she wants to come back, I have no problem letting her. But SHE needs to come to ME.” His tone was firm.

“Jacob… I’m not trying to argue with you.”

“I just don’t get it Ella. You were the one who didn’t like her, and now you’re all, ‘poor Michelle, you should talk to her.’”

“I just feel guilty, OK? I don’t like that I’m the reason she’s not around anymore. I saw how hurt she was, and I don’t like that I caused anyone that amount of pain. I have a best friend, who I was once in love with. He’s with another girl right now. I know all the feelings that come with that. I can just put myself in her shoes, is all.”

“Ella, you don’t have any reason to feel guilty. She’s the reason she’s not around anymore. She’s the reason she’s feeling hurt. Everything that she’s feeling? It’s her own fault. She’s the one who forced me to choose, she didn’t have to do that. And because she did, she’s the one who lost out. You were telling me before all this happened that we needed to hold her responsible for her own actions. That’s what I’m trying to do. I love the fact that you feel guilty, it just shows what a good person you are. But you have no reason too. You didn’t cause this, you didn’t make it happen. She did. And now she has to deal with the consequences.” He reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze, looking at me from the corner of his eye.

I nodded, and smiled.
I still felt guilty.