Slacker

Totally meant to have the post finished and posted Sunday. I forget why that didn't happen, but I meant to post it Monday. Eli went through a thing where he just wanted Mommy and even then just wanted to cry, and it exhausted me so much that I went to bed when he did last night (at 7 o'clock) I figured I would wake up early, but I must have been tired, because I didn't get up until Eli woke me up at 8 this morning (well, that's a lie, Cayden woke up at 5 because he wet the bed. But that was a shuffle-change-back to bed thing)

Long story short, the kids are supposed to be taking a nap with Jeremy, so I'm trying to bang out today's post and then go work on what little homework I have for the one class I have.

Really quick, someone asked about how big Cayden was getting. Here's the most recent (not great) picture I have of him (all my photos got put on a hard drive when Jer had to wipe my computer last time it crashed, and then my camera got sent to the shop to be fixed and I'm waiting to get it back, so this was a camera phone shot)

He's at his last soccer game with his medal, trophy, and snack :-)

And here is Eli (another camera phone shot) swinging:


Alright, getting on that post now!

Where have I been? Working on the paper from hell. And that was only one thing that was due this week. I am so sorry I've been MIA, but seriously it's like all four of my professors got together and decided to make this week the week where they just pounded me with everything they had.

Good news is, I am now done with all of my work due this week. Bad news? There is none, in fact there is only even better news - I also got some of the work done ahead of schedule (not on purpose, but I accidentally worked ahead in my math class thinking one whole chapter was due this week, when really she had broken it up into two weeks, and in my English class all that's due next week is my rough draft, which I had to write in order to create my bibliography that was due this week.) Blah blah blah - who cares, what does that mean anyway?

Well, it means that I really only HAVE to do work in one class next week. That class is my toughest class, BUT since it's the only one I have to deal with, I should be able to knock it out easy peasy. Which is amazing for me (I have to keep telling myself "we're almost done, we're almost done, ha ha) but it also means that next week there should be no late post - and depending on how the boys are, might even be an extra post.

This week's post is still coming. I have an amazingly full day tomorrow (Cayden's last soccer game is at 9, followed by a camp reunion, and then sister is taking Cayden for the night and my Mom is watching Eli and I actually get to go out in public, alone, with my husband for the first time in months.) Expect it Sunday.

Thanks for being really understanding - I love the blog, I want to keep up with it, but since I'm not getting paid for this, and paying to go to school, I have to ignore this when the latter decides to make me it's bitch.

New post below

Hey guys-

I just looked at my schedule for the rest of school, and I've decided that for the next couple weeks, you shouldn't expect posts on Monday. I will try my best to get them on Monday, but these next couple weeks I'm going to be slammed (This week in one class I have 8 different readings, two assignments, and a quiz, in another class I have 2 different readings, a final draft of an essay, and the rough draft of another essay, in another I have a crap ton of reading, two quizzes, and a test - that's my fault that ones so much, I've been putting it off, and then in my last one I have a test. And it's not looking that great for the up coming weeks.)

School has to come first, and once I get it done, I'll post (I'm not done this week yet, but I have gotten QUITE a bit done, so I took a break and wrote :-) I'm still hoping to shoot for once a week, just maybe not on Mondays. It wraps up beginning of September, so ride it out with me :-)

If I could tell you what's next... Make you believe, make you forget...

Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt totally alone? Totally disconnected? I was standing in my kitchen at a party – my going away party, actually – and I couldn’t shake those feelings. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to celebrate and enjoy the people that were there. I knew it would be a long time before I would see them again, but… I just couldn’t.
It was just that the guest list was totally different from what I assumed it would be. Sure, there were some constants there – Nick and Toni had found a sitter and were in attendance, my parents were there, work people who had been around forever, a few of my older camp kids, Matt – even new friends like Brook were a welcome addition. But a year ago the guest list would have been entirely different. Jason, Seth, Drew, Chloe… They were missing. And I was feeling their absence.
I slipped out the back door quietly, needing a second to breathe. I was surprised to see my Dad sitting on the steps.
“Hey.” I said, wondering if I should edge my way back inside.
“Hey, girlie. Have a seat next to your old Pops for a minute. I feel like I haven’t seen you all night.”
“Yeah, sorry Dad. Guest of honor and all.” I said, sliding down next to him.
“You OK? You seem bummed. You know Ella, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have too. We can work something out…”
“No, Dad. I think a change of scenery is good right now.”
He was quiet for a minute, and I thought he was going to let the subject go. Instead he cleared his throat.
“Before you were born, I had a lot of friends El. A lot of really good friends. We went out a lot, and we had a good time. Then you were born. Things changed. I couldn’t go out at the drop of a hat anymore, I had better things to spend my money on, and better ways to spend my time. Some of the guys didn’t get it at first, and they either resented me, or we fell apart. At first I was angry, and I was a little lonely. You were worth it, but I did miss the times I used to have. After a while, a few guys came back around – your Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Rick. Anyway, I’m rambling. The point is Ella… Things change. Life changes, people change, our wants and needs change. Sometimes the people in our lives change with us. Sometimes we have to grow apart before we grow back together. Sometimes we grow apart and there’s just no fixing it. We can’t stop the change, we can’t control how other people change, and sometimes we can’t even control how we change. You just gotta roll with the punches, girlie. And I know, that’s a lot easier said than done, but trust your old man. The important people always come back to you. The rest of them? Just life’s fillers. Not important. Not worth being sad over.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around me.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.”
“For what, darling?”
“I feel like I’m one of those people who grew apart from you.”
“Oh honey, that’s what kids do. It’s different. You’ll never be filler to me.”

Dad and I hung out on the back porch for a while, him pointing out constellations to me, before he prodded me back inside to hang out with my party guests. The party was for me after all. I was being rude hiding out on the porch.

It started to wind down around one AM, with the older co-workers and Toni and Nick leaving. Pretty soon, the only people that were left were Matt and I, sitting on the sofa, playing Super Mario on the Wii.

“So. I didn’t want to bring this up in front of everyone, but uh. Drew asked if he should come say goodbye.”
“What’d you tell him?” I asked, not taking my eyes of the screen.
“I told him I’d ask you what you wanted.”
I laughed. “Way to put me on the spot.”
“Well, you know, it was a little awkward for me El. Do I encourage him to make a move on you, even though I like you, or do I play it selfish, and attempt to keep you to myself?”

I sighed and threw the remote on the table.
“Him saying goodbye is not making a move. He’s still with Jessica, correct?”
Matt nodded.
“Well, there you go.”
“What should I have told him?”
I shrugged. “Tell him to do what he wants. I’m honestly tired of having to tell people what to do. If he wants to say goodbye, he knows where to find me. I’m going to be on an airplane tomorrow though, so he’s running out of time.”

Matt was quiet again, but only for a moment.
“Ella… If you had to pick… Who would you choose?”
The answer came to me quickly. “I don’t have to choose. So I pick Colorado. Everyone will still be here when I get back, and if they find others, then it wasn’t meant to be, now was it?”
“Whoa, what that on, oh enlightened one?” Matt asked, chuckling.
“I think everyone reaches a point where they’re just done chasing rainbows, Matt. I’m at my point.”
“Well. Would it be too much to ask for one more night of cuddling?” Matt asked.
“Nope. That sounds like a perfect way to spend my last night in Ohio, actually.”

We got ready for bed and climbed into bed together. Matt fell right to sleep, and I should have too, but I couldn’t. There were too many things running through my mind – details of my flight schedule, wondering if I had forgotten to pack anything… But at the top of the list was Drew. I meant what I said to Matt. My Dad was right, and there was no point in spending our time worrying about things we had no control over. Still, it was hard to turn off your mind, and impossible to turn off your heart. Would Drew show up to say goodbye tomorrow? Did I want him too? What would he say? What would I say? I wondered what Drew could have said that made Matt think that he wanted me back – or was Matt just being paranoid because he hoped we could have something together?

Which led to a whole new set of questions about Matt. How did I feel about him? I knew I liked him, but did I like him for him, or just because he was there? I mean it was true that we had had a connection since they day we met, but as my track record has shown, just because you’re attracted to someone, doesn’t mean it’ll work out in the end. Still, Matt would be a good guy to start over with. He was aware of my history with Drew and Jason, and while he didn’t seem to love it, he also seemed secure enough not to be bothered by it.

Ugh. I wanted to rip my hair out. I kept telling myself over and over in my head that it didn’t matter – decisions didn’t have to be made tonight, but my brain just kept circling through all the questions. I was convinced that I would never fall asleep.

I must have though, because the next thing I knew, Matt was shaking me awake, and off we were headed to the airport.

I was a jumble of nerves. Did I have my ticket? Did I have everything I needed? Did I really want to do this? Would Drew show up at the last second in some grand romantic gesture?

As much as I hate to admit it, I searched for his face everyone at the airport. And I lingered at the gate longer than I needed too, giving him extra time to show up. And even when I was seated in the airplane, I still held on to the tiniest bit of hope that he would come charging up the aisle, having bought a ticket just so he could sit next to me on the plane and talk our problems out.

When the plane lifted off, and no Drew appeared, I felt my heart break. I kept hearing my Dad’s words in my ears – about not being able to control how other people changed. Still, it didn’t help, and I sent a silent thanks up to God that the seat next to me was empty, as I had a nice silent cry.

Hey guys - no post today. I won't get into all the details because I feel like then it sounds like me whining, but it's been a very interesting week. I'm hoping to get something out sometime this week, but I also have a craaaaaap ton of homework to do (my cultural diversity teacher is trying to kill me with readings) so, that has to get done first (sorry, but I'm paying to go to school, and not paying to do this so...)

HOPEFULLY there will be something by the end of the week. No promises though.

Also - I know someone wrote in the comments about another blog they were working on, it sounded interesting and I wanted to add it to the blog roll, but I forgot and for the life of me cannot remember which post the commented on. If that was you, please post your link again! And if you know of/write a blog, please list it too. Our link list is getting kind of short...

If you ever loved me please, have some mercy on me

“Matt told you.” I said, crossing my arms and facing him.
“No.”
“You don’t have to protect him Drew.”
“I wouldn’t. He didn’t tell me. Toni did.”

I had forgotten that I had bumped into Toni while shopping for supplies. I hadn’t told her not to tell Drew – hadn’t really thought of it. I hadn’t even really gone into detail about where I was going, just that I’d be gone for a while for work.

“Whatever. I guess who told you doesn’t really matter. I guess a better question is why are you here?”
“I think the best question is, why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”
I couldn’t help myself. I snorted.
“Really? Why didn’t I tell you? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you picked some girl you knew for two hot seconds over me.”
“Ella. That’s not the point. We’ve known each other for how long? And you were just going to leave?”
“Seriously Drew? What have you been smoking that makes you think that makes ANY sense? We have known each other for a long time, and YOU chose to cut off our friendship, which means I don’t have an obligation to tell you anything.”

He was quiet for a minute, studying me, and it put me on edge. It hurt being near him, and I just wanted him to leave.

“You have no right to be here, Drew. And you certainly have no right to question where I’m going or act hurt that I didn’t tell you. You can’t blame me for this one. You asked for space, and I gave it to you. You can’t complain for getting what you wanted.”
“You’re right Ella. Totally right.”
“Then let me ask you again. Why are you here?”

Again, he was quiet, and I thought he was just going to leave. But instead he sat down on the corner of my bed.

“This was my choice Ella, but I guess I just didn’t realize what it entailed and how difficult it would be. When I heard you were leaving, I got so pissed off. That’s why I came over here. I felt like I deserved to know what was going on, and you’re right. I don’t.”

I didn’t expect Drew to be so honest. It seemed like the last time we talked, all we had done was yell at each other and blame each other. I figured this time would go that route too, and now that it wasn’t, I didn’t know what to say or do.

“I honestly just don’t know what to tell you Drew. I said everything I had to say last time we talked. I laid it all on the line for you. You made your choice. I didn’t like it then and I still don’t like it, but it’s not my choice to make.” I paused for a moment. “Does Jessica know you’re here?”

Drew turned red. I knew she didn’t know.
“I’m not doing this Drew. I’m not hiding. If you want to be my friend and be involved in my life then she needs to know. If she can’t accept it, or you won’t tell her, then you need to pick. I can’t make you choose me, but I’m not doing this again.”
“I just…. I don’t know what I can give you Ella. I think I used Jessica as an excuse. Yes, she was the one who asked, but I think I agreed to it because I can’t handle being around you.”
“Then why are you here?” I shouted, louder than I meant too. It was just so frustrating and I was tired of running in circles with everyone.
“Because!” Drew shouted back. “I don’t know. I just… Where are you going?”

I sighed. He was deflecting, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell him anything.
“I’m going to Colorado.”
“That far? Toni said it was for work…”
“It is.” I said, standing, I turned my back and started packing.
“Ella, don’t do this.”
“Do what Drew? I have things to do.”
“Don’t shut me out. Don’t run away.”
“We’ve been over this. If anyone shut anyone out, you shut me out. I don’t know how I can be anymore clearer: you told me to leave you alone. I did. You can’t come back and demand answers just because you want to be nosey. And you know, I’m tired of the whole ‘running away’ thing.”
“I’m tired of you running whenever shit gets hard, El.”

I wanted to explode. And I came really close to doing so. I was tired of being accused of running away. Instead I took a deep breath.

“Drew, I’m going to give you an explanation – even though you don’t deserve one, but because I’m tired of always beating around the bush. I’m sure Matt told you about work’s money issues. I don’t know how much detail he got into, but it’s really bad. They told us to find new jobs and were talking furloughs. My boss found out I was sending out my resume, she got me a temporary job in Colorado. It helps build my resume and my contacts, and also cuts back on the money the agency needs to spend, which may buy them more time to come up with a solution.” I paused for a moment, to get his attention. He looked at me, and I made sure I held his eye. “I’m only going to say this one, and then I’m going to ask you to leave and to not contact me again until you can for sure say you want me back in your life. I’m not running away. I do plan to use this distance to get my head on straight and to figure things out. I miss you. Every day I miss you, and I’ve already said I want you back, but I learned my lesson with Jason, and I am not going to waste time pining over someone who doesn’t care enough about me to say he wants me around. I can’t blame you for not choosing me. I messed up. I can’t blame you for moving on. But, I can get upset when you keep flip flopping back and forth. If you want me in your life, as a friend, or as more, I’m willing to try. If you don’t, then you really do need to just let me go.”

I was scared to hear his answer. The reason I never put it on the line with Jason is because I never wanted to hear the words no. They were so final. Even when Jason treated me badly or left, there was always still hope that he’d come back. It was never final.

“I just don’t know what you want me to say, Ella.”
“What I want you to say doesn’t matter. I just want you to make a decision Drew. I deserve that much – if you ever loved me at all, at least respect me enough to be honest and make a decision.”

He was quiet for a long time, and I was just about to tell him to leave when he spoke.
“You’ve been pretty open with me Ella, and I haven’t been with you. I do still love you. I probably always will. I just don’t know if that’s a good thing, or if you’re my Jason – the one I WANT to be with, but ultimately know it’ll never work with. I don’t know if I can get over things. I don’t know if I want too. You want answers and I don’t know. I guess the best thing would be for you to leave. For us both to get some time, and to figure it out from there. I don’t want to be a Jason to you, I don’t want to keep you hanging on. I also don’t want to walk away when I’m just not sure what I want.”
“Well, then you go. And I’ll leave. We’ll just have to see, I guess.”

I couldn’t watch him leave. So I turned and busied myself with my clothes until I heard my front door shut.

I'm already gone

“What?” He asked.
“I’m going to Colorado.”
“You’re leaving?”
“Yes.” I said, trying to read his face.
“How could you do that?”
“What do you mean, how could I do that?”
“I mean it’s one thing to take another job, but in a whole other state? How are you going to be able to help the agency at all?” His voice was rising, he was getting angry, and I was confused.
“I am helping the agency, by leaving Matt.”
“No, you’re turning your back on it.”
“I don’t understand.” I said, reaching up to rub my head. “Me leaving the agency was fine when I was in the state, but now all of a sudden it’s not? Why?”
“Because, how are you going to help out at all?”
“Help out with what, Matt?” I was trying hard not to get frustrated, but it was becoming hard. I really was confused as to what he was talking about.
“Help out with saving the agency!”
“Matt, I’m doing what I can do save the agency – which happens to be leaving for a little while. The agency is way past doing some fundraisers to get them out of this hole, we need more than that. They’re doing some emergency grant writing, which is the only thing I could help with if I stayed. And believe me, I’m helping out more if I’m leaving.”
“I just don’t get why you’re the one who has to go.”
“Matt, is this really about the agency? Or is it about us?”
“What?” He said, looking up at me. “No. I mean I don’t want you to leave for the agency but… I just don’t get why they couldn’t send someone else.”
“Who else are they going to send? The only person there that has the qualifications needed is Sandy, and she has a husband and a son here. And my salary is pretty significant, Matt. Cutting it will save them a lot of money. Look, I love the agency, I really do. I don’t want to see it go under either, and I’m trying to do what I can to help. I also am realistic, and reality is, our situation does not look good. This place with give me new experiences, teach me new skills, look great on my resume, and give me more contacts. And, if you haven’t noticed, my social life is also in ruins. Really, this opportunity is a win for everyone, and it couldn’t have come at a better time.”
“I guess you’re right.” He said, refusing to look at me.
“I was wondering too… If you wanted to stay at my house while I was gone? Keep an eye on it? I mean if you don’t want to pay rent here while you’re living somewhere else, I understand, and I can ask Brook. But, I’ve known you longer, and I figure it might be getting cramped with…”
“Actually, it’s funny you should mention that…” He said, now refusing to look at me and seeming nervous.
“What?” I asked.
“Jessica's is moving in. Well. She pretty much already has moved in. But they want to make it she pays rent and is on the lease official. We were going to tough it out here until the lease was up, but I think the place is kind of small for three people, and I don’t want to watch them play house.”
“Huh.” I said, processing the information. “They’re that serious?” I asked, unsure if I really wanted the answer.
“I don’t know El…” Matt’s voice was soft, gentle. “I mean to be really honest with you, she is the one who is initiated all this big plans, and she’s definitely pushy. But, he’s also not putting up much of a fight.”
I worked my jaw, trying to fight back tears. I wondered if it would be like Jason all over again, and I’d watch Drew get married to someone else.
“Hey.” He said, reaching his arm out to touch mine. “If it makes you feel any better, it seems like he’s more… Complacent. As if he just is letting things happen.”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter I guess.”

We sat there in silence for a few moments. I knew that I probably looked like someone had just shot my puppy, and I didn’t want to walk out and let them see my like that. In fact, I didn’t want them to know my business at all.

“I don’t want Drew to know I’m leaving, OK?”
“Why not?” He asked, confused.
“He initiated the cut off. He’s the one who didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I know it might sound really childish, but I just… If he’s not going to be in my life, this isn’t something he needs to know. It’s not like I’m going forever, you know? If he asks where I am while I’m gone, you can tell him then.”
“I don’t like that Ella.”
“You don’t have to like it, Matt. You just have to respect it.”
“I don’t like lying to my friends.”
“You aren’t lying. You’re omitting the truth.”
“Fine. But I want it on the record that I don’t like this. At all.”
“So noted.” I said, winking at him.

We sat and ate some doughnuts, catching up on the time we spent apart, and discussing how the move in would go. I wouldn’t charge him rent as long as he did basic up keep of the house. He was a little bummed that I was taking Cumulus with me to Colorado.

“You should leave him Ella. Then you don’t have to worry about him while you’re learning the ropes of your new job.”
“Uh uh. No way. I’d miss him way too much.”
“But I’ll miss him too.” Matt fake whined.
“I know, but he’s not your dog.”
“I know. I miss having one.”
“You should get one.” I said.
“I’m not allowed pets here.”
“Well, you’ll be in my place. You can have a dog there. Then you’ll just have to find a place that allows dogs when I come back. Or, if you don’t want to mess with that, just call the Stop the Suffering. That’s the place I fostered Cumulus from. Temporary dog for you, AND you’re doing a good deed. Both those things help you score with the ladies.” I said, winking at him.
“I’ll think about it.” He replied. “Won’t be as good as Cumulus though.”
“That’s cuz no dog is as good as my dog.”

Later, Matt got up and walked me out. Thankfully, neither Jessica or Drew were to be seen.
“She probably got irritated that you were still here and made him leave.” Matt speculated.
“Whatever. As long as I don’t have to see her.” I replied, giving him a hug.

The next week was a blur. Announcing at work that I was leaving, helping out with the grant writing while I was still there, trying to explain to my kids that it was only a temporary assignment (I didn’t have the heart to tell them that the agency might be closing down.) I was also doing a lot of paperwork for the new job, for both Cumulus and I, as well as making lists for what I still needed to buy for my trip. I was also trying to spend time with Brook, who was sad that I was leaving so soon after I had met her.

A few days before I was scheduled to leave, I was upstairs packing my bags. It was sort of sad to see my life laid before my in those two duffle bags, but also sort of freeing. This is what was important to me, this is what I needed, this is what I was choosing to take with me. I felt almost as if I was shedding some of my skin, and honestly I was exciting to see what this whole thing was going to bring me. The doorbell rang.

“Come in!” I called downstairs. I was expecting Matt, who had been bringing his stuff over a couple boxes at a time to try to avoid renting a truck. I heard him walking up the stairs, and I zipped up one of my bags before turning around to greet him.

I swear my eyes almost fell out of my head when I saw that it was Drew, standing in my door way instead.

“So it’s true.” He said, eyeing my bags. “You are leaving.”