I want to be exposed, and not afraid to fall

I woke up the next morning curled into Drew. I snuggled closer, liking the warmth of his body, how I felt like I fit. I breathed him in, wrapped myself around him, and sighed happily.
And then I recoiled.
This is how it had started with Jason. Easing into comfortableness. I had let myself fall for him because I didn’t know any better, I didn’t know how bad it hurt, how badly it could, and would, end. I couldn’t fall for Drew. I couldn’t even risk it.
I wondered if other girls had this problem. This strange problem with boundaries. I had no idea where the line was until after I crossed it. It’s true I was abnormally close with a few people, but that’s how I had always been. It was hard for me to let people in, and I’d much rather have a close group of five friends than a hundred friends. But, while it was hard for me to let you in, once you were in, it was even harder to let you go.
I slipped out of bed carefully untangling myself from Drew. I didn’t want to wake him. I grabbed the clothes I had laid out the night before, a pair of shorts and a tee shirt, and tip-toed out of the room. Changing quickly in the living room, tied up my sneakers, grabbed my Ipod and to go out for a jog.
Part of me hates running. I hate how tired I get, how out of breath. How early I have to get up to do it. Part of me loves it. There’s a certain peace you can obtain, counting your footsteps, controlling your breathing. I do love the dull ache I get in my chest, the physical pain of stretching yourself farther than you thought you could. You’d think that by running, you’d have nothing to do but think. But there’s plenty of things to concentrate on. And I often find that running clears my congested mind.
Once outside, I decided to jump on my bike instead, and rode it to Antrim Park. I locked it up and stood on the dock of the man made lake. I breathed in the cold morning air a couple of times, feeling it burn my lungs just a tad. I stretched briefly and took off for the lake loop.
Antrim Park made me feel safe. Being a woman made me paranoid, and being a woman who lived alone made me hyper-sensitive. My friends made fun of me for leaving notes on my fridge when I left the house – where I was going, who I was with. But, I still did it. And I knew women were often targeted when they were feeling less aware, like jogging in the early morning wearing headphones. I always left one ear bud out to keep a listen for anyone coming up on me, and if there was a jogging group running in the morning, I tried to stay in eye sight of them.
My mind touched on Jason for a moment, and my heart ached a little at his absence. I thought about what Drew had said last night. That he knew how I felt about him, and just didn’t care enough. I guess I knew that all along, but I liked to think I wasn’t so transparent. I wonder if Kayla knew, and if so, how she felt about it. If she even felt anything about it. She always seemed so confident to me, she may not have cared. I knew however, that had I been the one to marry Jason, I would have hated to know that some other girl had feelings for him. And it would have driven me to insanity had I known that the girl was his best friend. I pushed Jason out of my mind and instead decided to concentrate on my breathing. In through my mouth, out through my nose. Rinse and repeat.
I did the whole loop once, and then walked it once to cool down. I jumped back on my bike and rode home.
Biking was different than running. There was nothing, really, for me to concentrate on, other than my thoughts. Jason kept popping up, stubbornly, and each time I shoved him down. Drew popped up a couple of times too. Did I really have feelings for him? Or was I just lonely? Was he just an easy target to move on too? A Jason substitute, stand in, runner up? I knew that I wouldn’t be able to test that theory, I couldn’t date Drew. I would never be able to really know if I liked him for him, or simply because I couldn’t have Jason, and he was the closest thing to it. I needed someone new, someone different. But, again, it was difficult for me because I didn’t get out much. I was home now, and I jumped off my bike and set it up next to the porch.
My parents had bought me a house when I graduated from college. I know, it seems like a lavish gift, but it was really more of an investment, I guess. My Dad flips houses, and he got a really good deal on a run down house that was slightly outside city limits. I had to work for it a little, scraping wall paper off, painting, putting up drywall, hammering my fingers into oblivion. It was a smaller three bedroom house. The upstairs was one big room, which right now was a game room, and I kept contemplating turning it into my bedroom, only it got insanely cold in the winter and crazy hot in the summer. My bedroom right now was off the living room, and I turned the smaller bedroom downstairs into an office. I put a futon in there for guests, but everyone called the futon the death trap. My Mother said I used it so guests wouldn’t over stay their welcome, and I suppose she might be right. Although, it didn’t help because anyone who ended up staying with me overnight, usually just ended up bunking with me.
Which, may or may not be a good thing. I made a mental note to take a trip to Cincinatti and look at Ikea for sofa beds. Having guy friends sleep over was not working out well for me.
“Drew?” I called, walking into the house.
“In here.” He called from the kitchen. I heard bacon sizzling and smelled pancakes. I loved ruining a good workout with even better food.
“Hey, sleep well?” I asked, grabbing a piece of bacon off the cooling rack.
“Yeah, but I miss you when I woke up. Where’d you go?”
My heart panged a little. “Running. I run in the mornings.”
“What are you running from?” He joked.
“Nothing.” I said, quietly. “I’m going to jump in the shower, thanks for making breakfast.”
“It’ll cost ya.” He answered, lowering his face and pointing to his cheek.
I kissed him quickly and ran into my bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. I peeled off my sweaty, sticky clothes. I turned on the water to extra hot, hoping that I could scald this pseudo-crush on Drew out of my brain.
I needed a distraction. I didn’t feel ready to date, but I knew if there wasn’t something or someone else to focus on, and I’d work this tiny bud of a crush into a full scale L-o-v-e situation, and again, I wasn’t sure if it’d be real love, or a replacement love. Take out Jason, substitute Drew. My mind wandered to last night. Maybe I should pick up a random guy in a club. Have some fun. And then I thought about the magician. Greg Dangers. I wondered if that was his real name. He was cute, more so because of his personality than his looks, and it might be worth a shot to see if he wanted to go for drinks or something sometime. The worst that could happen is either him saying no, or it being a horrible date. Either way, it was a distraction. I rinsed my hair and shut off the shower. I took a second to squeeze out the excess water, and stepped carefully out of the tub. I always had this fear of slipping on the rug and cracking my head on the tub, I have no idea why. I wrapped a towel around myself, and went out into the living room.
“Foods ready.” Drew called from the kitchen, his mouth full.
“Just a second.” I said. I went into the computer room and sat down, hitting the spacebar until my computer jumped to life.
I googled Greg Dangers and had immediate access to his facebook, myspace, and website. I chose to go the website route. I didn’t want to seem like some groupie on his facebook or myspace page. I clicked the email link and then wondered what, exactly to say to him. I took a deep breath and decided to just start typing. Whatever came out would have to be good enough.

Hey-
Caught your show last night at the space. It was pretty good. My friend volunteered for you and got the dog-moose. Just wanted to say good show, and is Dangers your real last name?

-Ella.

I sighed, that was lame. But I hit send anyway.
“Food’s getting cold El!” Drew called. “And eaten!” He added.
“OK, OK.” I answered. I went back into my room and threw on a tee shirt and jeans. I emerged and sat down at the kitchen table. Drew had fixed a plate for me.
“Mmm, who needs love when you have bacon?” I asked, taking a bite.
“Speaking of love…” Drew trailed off. I stopped, bacon halfway to my mouth.
“Yes?” I prompted when he didn’t continue.
“Jason called while you were out. That’s what woke me up.” He fidgeted a little awkwardly.
“Oh.” I suddenly wasn’t very hungry, but stuffed the piece of bacon in my mouth, so I would have something to do other than talk. Or vomit.
“Yeah, he and Kayla are back in Florida. He wanted to see if you were feeling better and if you got the pictures.”
I nodded, mouth still full of bacon. It was starting to taste a little like tar to me. Damn Jason for ruining bacon for me too.
“So, I, ah, told him you were feeling much better and that you loved the pictures. But El… He wants to um. Stop by, on their way home.”
Shit. Shit. Shit, fuck, damn hell, son-of-a-bitch.
“God Damnit.” I said, slamming my hand down on the table.
Drew winced. “You don’t have to let him come.”
“Oh really, Drew? What excuse do you want me to give this time? It’s bad enough that I missed his wedding. But what can I tell him that’ll make him not come up here? That won’t make this whole avoiding him and Kayla obvious?”
“So let him come.” Drew said, shrugging.
“And fake being happy for them? I hate him. I hate her. And I hate the fact that I can’t even let myself hate them. Because I don’t. Because I love him and I want him to be happy and she makes him happy. So instead I have to hate myself for not being able to be whatever it is he wanted.”
“Ella, it’ll be OK.” Drew said, awkwardly patting my hand.
“When, Drew?” I looked him in the eye. He drew back his hand and shrugged his shoulders.
“Later.” He said.
“When are they coming?” I rubbed my hands over my eyes and back over my hair.
“It’ll be a few days… I think…” He trailed off again, looking honestly pained to say the next part.
“You think what?” I asked, looking at him and narrowing his eyes.
“I think I’ll be gone by the time they come. I only got a week off work.”
I moaned and dramatically held my finger up to my temple in a mock gun. As I made a gun shot noise, I threw my head down on the table. “Just kill me now.” I mumbled.

It's beautiful missing someone so much

Jason and I hadn’t always had good times. Shortly after the Tater incident, what turned out to be the beginning of the end as us as I knew it, Jason called me and told me that his old sister Jen thought she was pregnant. Jen and Sean had continued to date on and off, he would get sick of her shit and break up with her, only to be dragged back in all over again. She had already had one baby with Sean, a beautiful baby boy who we all loved, but was overwhelmed by the thought of having two before she was even out of college. She talked to Jason and said that if she was pregnant, she planned on having an abortion.
Jason explained all of this in great detail, ranting and raving and going on and on about ‘how could she do that.’ While abortion was never an option for me, I strongly believed in the rights of women. And I found it a little hard to stomach at times when men got a say in something that they didn’t have to go through.
There’s a great song by John Mayer, called “my stupid mouth”. My best friend once told me that it should be my theme song, and she’s right. I’m so outspoken and so opinionated that I have a really hard time knowing what I should say and when I should bite my tongue. So I spoke up, I told Jason that I personally thought he was not only being selfish, but an idiot, and that it was his sisters body, and therefore should be her choice.
Jason hung up on me. And he wouldn’t answer my calls.
We didn’t speak for months. I had given up on trying to call him, he’d either answer and hang up, or click ignore. I wouldn’t apologize for what I said, but I did apologize several times for offending him. Still, I heard nothing in response.
I went through every emotion I think possible. From anger to annoyed, to sad, to feeling sorry for myself. I had days where I didn’t want to get out of bed. Days where I missed Jason so much that my body hurt physically. I went through bursts of not caring, being insanely happy, being content. Finally, I had just plain gotten used to it. I was online one night, working on a paper for school randomly logged into my instant messager when I got the IM:
CasaBlanco: Hi. Do you mind if I call?
McElla: Um. Do you remember the number?
CasaBlanco: lol
Jason had laughed but I hadn’t been kidding. I sat with my phone in my hand, actually nervous to talk to him. I was so preoccupied with the nervous, bunched up, churning feeling in my stomach, that I actually threw the phone when it rang. I dived across the bed and answered.
“Hello?” I said, hesitating slightly.
“Hey El. Been awhile. How you been?” He said, laughing a little.
“Good. Busy.” I kept my tone light, and guarded myself. I left out that I had been seeing someone. “You sound happy. What have you been up too?”
“Not much… Working… I enlisted.” He said calmly.
“Enlisted in what?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. Jason had talked about enlisting in the Marines since… Well, forever. I didn’t think he’d actually do it though.
“The Marines, Ella. My Dad and I just got into a huge blow out and he hit me. So I hit him back. He told me to get out, and this time he meant for good. I crashed for a little while on Sean’s couch, but I don’t want to live like that. So I finally took the plunge and enlisted.”
“You enlisted just because you and your Dad fought? You guys are always fighting.” I said, chewing on a nail.
“You know I’ve always wanted to do this Ella. Don’t sound so sad, I’m excited!”
“When do you leave?” I asked.
“I’m not sure yet. I haven’t even been officially accepted, I have to run through a bunch of tests and things. Physicals and placement testing.”
“Oh.” Was all I could say.

We hung up shortly after. The weeks drug on and I felt like I was suddenly in a fog again. A Jason induced fog. My boyfriend at the time, Chris, could sense my distraction and was jealous. We started fighting. A lot. And when we fought, I ran to Jason, like I always used too. Jason heard all the horrible things Chris said to me while we were fighting (to be fair to him, I said my own horrible things to warrant them. But of course, I never told Jason what I had said, only how mean Chris had been.) And Jason begun to hate him. I already suspected Jason was a little jealous when I told him I had a boyfriend. I had never really dated a lot during Jason and my friendship. He wasn’t used to me being taken. Jason and I begun to fight because when I was happy with Chris, he would still knock on him. It all came to a head one night.
Chris and I were house sitting for his father and step-mother. I was upset because it was supposed to be just Chris and I. At the time, Chris lived with his Mother, and I still lived at home while going to school. We hardly ever had any time alone, and I had been looking forward to it. I was extremely pissed when I walked in and found Chris’ cousin Mike, who I didn’t get along to begin with, playing video games on the couch.
Chris and I ended up getting into a huge argument, Mike jumped in as well, and it made me even angrier that Chris was letting his cousin, who had no place in our relationship, say the things he was saying to me. I had tried to leave, buy Chris had blocked the door, saying he didn’t want me driving when I was so upset. I ended up locking myself in Chris’ parents room, with Chris banging on the door, trying to get in to continue the argument that I was already so over. I had my cell phone, and I decided to call Jason.
“What’s going on?” He asked when he answered, hearing the noise in the background.
“Chris and I are fighting.”
“Oh.” Was all he said.
“Aren’t you going to ask me what happened?” I asked, annoyed by his lack of sympathy.
“No, you two are always fighting. The guy is a jerk El, and if you stay with him, that’s what you deserve.”
“That’s not fair Jason.” I snapped. I felt like everyone was ganging up on me.
“Yes it is. If you don’t like it, then break up with him, it’s that simple.”
“It’s not that simple, I love him.”
Jason snorted. “If you think that’s love? You’re an idiot.”
“I’m the idiot? Who stayed with the girl who cheated on him and dumped him? Who begged her to come back by sending her flowers when she ran off to Arizona? To meet some guy off the freaking internet?”
“You’re so freaking needy and clingy Ella.”
“Funny, I was about to say the same for you. You’re just jealous that for once I’m not chasing you around like some puppy on a leash. I’m not with you, and you hate that. Admit it.”
“Please Ella.” He said, and I could just picture him rolling his eyes.
“What?”
“It’s just about time you moved on. I am. I’m getting my own life, joining the marines, and you hate that. You hate that for once you’re not a part of something I’m doing. You latch on to people, and you suck the life out of them.” He voice had turned mean, hateful. His words stung. I was already wounded from the fight with Chris, I wasn’t looking for this.
“I don’t care about you leaving, Jason. They can send you to Iraq and you can die, and I wouldn’t give a damn.” I said. I calculated my words so they were devoid of emotion. Low, even, clean. It was a damning blow.
“Fuck you Ella.” Jason spit back, hanging up the phone.

It took about two seconds for me to realize exactly what I said. I mean, most people had one point said that they didn’t care if someone died, or that they were so angry they could kill them. For the most part, it was just an expression. But, for Jason, it was a real possibility. We were at the start of the Iraq war, and it was a very real possibility that Jason would get sent over there. And people were dying every day.
I felt the regret build in my stomach. I made it to the bathroom just in time, and managed to throw up in the toilet. I wanted to call him back, to express my guilt, to apologize. But, I knew Jason. I knew he was incredibly angry and hurt. And I knew that my words would mean nothing now. I would have to wait.
I snuck downstairs. I heard Chris and Mike laughing in the kitchen. I snuck out the front door, got in my car as quietly as possible, and left. I drove home, and picked up the phone and called Sean.
“What happened?” He asked, hearing the tears in my voice.
“I’m a bitch, that’s what happened.” I sobbed. “Chris and I got into a fight, and I called Jason. And he just started in on me. So then we started fighting and he said some mean things and then I said something horrible and now he’s never going to talk to me again.” I was whining. I hated it when anyone whined, myself included.
“What’d he say?” Sean asked. I heard him munching on something.
“He told me I sucked the life out of people and I needed to get over him.”
“Harsh.” Sean said. “What’d you say back?” His words were slightly mumbled, his mouth was full.
“That I didn’t care if he left for the Marines.” I paused, not wanting to repeat the next part. “That I didn’t care if they sent him to Iraq and he died.”
“Oh Ella.” Seans voice rushed out.
“I know Sean. I didn’t mean it, but…”
“What he said wasn’t nice either.” Sean countered. “Did you apologize?”
“Sean you know Jason. I’ve got to give him a few days to get over it.”
“Yeah, you both are like that. Grudge holders.” I heard someone speaking in the background. A whine of a baby, Jen’s harsh voice, Sean covering the phone.
“I’ll let you go.” I said.
“Sorry El.” He replied, and hung up. Jen had him on a short leash.

I contemplated calling Drew, wondering if he would have any ideas on how to fix it, but remembered that when I had talked to Drew earlier, he had mentioned going out on a date. I didn’t want to interrupt him. I sighed, and got into bed. It was early, but I was exhausted.

Jason and I didn’t speak for another month. I didn’t hound him as much this time, as I did last time, but sent an apology email, and told him I was going to wait until he contacted me. When he finally did call me, I wasn’t as shocked as I was the first time. I was starting to realize (after a conversation with Drewbie.) That Jason and I were both changing. And we were going to crack and split a little, but eventually we were either going to grow together, or apart. I was banking on the fact that we’d grow together.
I was shocked, however, when Jason dropped the bomb that he was leaving for Parris Island in a month. The Marines bootcamp was the longest of all military bootcamps, he’d be there for thirteen weeks.
I cried.
Jason and my relationship had been strained for awhile now. When he and his dad really started fighting, Jason shut down and closed everyone out. Gone were our four hour rambling phone conversations, his random visits to Ohio. He became flaky, hard to get ahold of. What had once seemed like a budding romance between best friends suddenly turned into a struggling friendship.
However, when he told his Dad he was going into the Marines, things suddenly changed for them. His Dad started listening to him, respected him in a way. While this was the reaction I knew Jason had secretly hoped for, it made me sick in a way. I don’t think your child should have to jump through hoops in order for you to love them. It did work out in my favor though. With the weight of a strained father-son relationship off Jason’s shoulders, he became mine again. We were talking, daily, for hours. He was planning a huge trip down before he left for South Carolina. He promised to write as much as he could.
I had a work event and couldn’t make it to Jason’s goodbye party. He was supposed to come down the next day… Only he didn’t. And he didn’t call either. When I finally got him on the phone he gave a lame excuse about being hungover.
“Sorry El. I don’t think I’m gonna be able to make it down there before I leave.”
“It’s OK.” It wasn’t, but what else was I supposed to say? “Just promise you’ll write?”
“Promise El.”
“I’ll miss you, Jay.”
“I’ll miss you, too, Ella.”

We hung up then. The day he left, I went on as normal. But, my heart felt heavy. I didn’t feel like myself.
I gave him a week to settle in. And then I would race home from work, checking the mail. Bills, junk mail, occasionally an invitation to a party or a wedding. But nothing from Jason. After the first month I stopped counting. I stopped looking. I moped.
Drew called me on it. He tried to shake me out of my funk, but I could never get past faking it. I missed Jason. I was angry, hurt, and sad. I felt forgotten about, like I didn’t matter. I knew then that Drew ha d been right, both Jason and I were changing. And I wasn’t sure if I liked the new Jason.

Playlist

Music helps me write. It puts me in the mood, so to speak, lol. You've probably noticed that the titles to the postings are lines from songs. So, I added a playlist of songs that I listen to while writing. It's a short playlist right now, but I'll add more. If you have any suggestions, let me know. I just wanted to kinda warn you guys, because I know people often sneak onto blogs to kill time at work, and I didn't want it to blast and blow your cover. So, either make sure your sound is down, you're wearing headphones, or you want to listen to music.

Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

As I slipped the dress over my head I couldn’t help but think how it was a good thing I didn’t go to the wedding, as the dress? Was NOT a wedding dress. It was clearly an ‘I want people to look at me’ dress, which, everyone knows the bride should be the only one being looked at on her wedding day. I went light on the makeup, I usually did. I hated when makeup felt caked on and I usually ended up forgetting that I was wearing it and rubbed my eyes or something, giving me a nice raccoon look. I dried my hair a little, but left it sort of damp. I knew that way it would curl and wave slightly.
When I stepped out of the bathroom, I saw that Drewbie had also gotten dressed in your typical prep guy clubbing outfit. He had that rumpled look down perfectly, his hair messed, his dress shirt undone and hanging in all the right places, a nice pair of jeans on. He let out a low whistle.
“Ella Enchanted, you sure do clean up nice.”
“Shut up and let’s get this over with already.” I said, smiling.

It wasn’t really so much a club as… Well, I’m not sure what you’d call it. It was a multi-level building that had a little something for everyone. On the bottom floor there was a stage where people came and sang, did stand up, magic… Kind of an open mike, only you had to be asked to do it, so the performances weren’t that bad. The next level up was more of a bar, with food and drinks. The top level was the more clubby area, loud music, drinks, and dancing.
Drew and I started out on the main level. We were there kind of early, so we planned to watch a few acts, head upstairs and eat, and then go dancing for a little bit. Drew’s goal was to get someone to distract me for awhile.
We arrived in the middle of a singers song, a pretty girl about my age with curly black hair and light mocha skin. As she finished her song, a waiter showed us to our seats.
The MC came out and announced the next act, a magician.
“I don’t know how I feel about magicians.” I said quietly to Drew after we had ordered a round.
“What’s wrong with them?” He asked.
“I don’t know.” I answered, shrugging my bare shoulders. “They alternate between turning me on and giving me the heeby-jeebys. Part of me wants to know their secret so I won’t be freaked out, and the part of me is dying for the magic to stay magic.”
Drew nodded as the magician took the stage.
He was older, probably in his 30’s, and was attractive to me (I like them kind of geeky, and a tad on the big side.) This guy was sort of pale, but not unhealthy looking pale, with a shock of light brown hair that stood on his head. I couldn’t tell if he styled it that way for the show, or if his hair just had a mind of it’s own. I couldn’t see his eye color from where I was sitting, but he seemed to be a few inches taller than I was. He was dressed sort of dorky, but again, I couldn’t be sure if this was a show outfit, or how he really dressed. He had on one of those horrible Hawiian shirts with a loud guitar pattern, and black shorts that were so long they could have been considered manpri’s. He topped this look with black socks and white nikes.
For obvious reasons, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He told jokes, some that were actually funny, and some that were so stupid they were funny. He did tricks, some that I’ve seen before, and others I had to admire. The more he worked, the redder his cheeks got, and I saw that he was sweating a lot. Two things that may have normally grossed me out, but for some reason I was oddly attracted to him.
He asked for volunteers several times, each time Drew tried to goad me into going up. I never did. I never knew how to handle myself in those situations and always felt awkward. Drew volunteered once, and got picked, and for his efforts got a balloon animal that was supposed to be a moose but looked like a dog.
“Here’s your moose!” The magician announced, handing the dog to Drew.
“It’s a dog.” Drew said, plainly.
“It’s a dog named Moose!” The magician countered easily. “It’s a moose dog!” He exclaimed.
Drew chuckled and shook his head.
“Don’t YOU want a moose-dog?” He asked sitting down.
“Nope.” I answered. “I want a hippo-dog.”
“So go get one.”
“No thank you, I don’t do well with those types.”
“What types?” Drew asked, making his moose-dog walk across the table.
“You know, the loud, funny, semi-annoying ones. The people who always put you on the spot. They make me feel dumb if I can’t come up with a come back fast enough.”

The show wound down and Greg – that was the magicians name – did his last trick, escaping from a straight jacket while hanging upside down. I was actually sad to see it ending, but was pretty hungry so Drew and I headed upstairs to eat. After that, we headed upstairs for some dancing, Drew alternated between dancing with me, and trying to push me towards some other guy. I tried, but the club scene just wasn’t for me. It’s not a relationship starter, it’s a venue to rub your body up against a strangers and fake having sex until you decide to either go home alone, or go home with that stranger. I have never, nor have ever met anyone who met their significant other in a club. It’s a phase we all go through, because there’s something exciting about being wanted by a complete stranger. You know it’s a physical attraction alone, and it helps boost your ego in a way.
Drew looked both a little relieved and annoyed when I tapped him on the shoulder and told him I wanted to go home. He looked at his watch, shot me a look that said “already?” and then shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
We got in the car, and Drew drove, as I hated driving at night. We sat in silence for a few moments, and as I reached for the radio, Drew cleared his throat and shook his head a little.
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh?” I said, pulling my hand back. “What?”
“You didn’t see anyone you liked?”
“In there?” I shook my head. “Not really. But, I mean, it’s a club Drew. You know I’m not like that.”
“It’s just, El, you never see anyone you like.”
“That’s not true…” I started.
“Yeah, it is true. You dated Sean, and then it’s been all Jason, all the time, ever since.”
“I’ve dated other guys Drew.” I said, defensively.
“Yeah, complete jerks who you KNEW were jerks, because you didn’t really want to get involved with anyone, because you were too busy waiting on Jason.”
“Why does it even matter, Drew?” I said. I crossed my arms in front of my chest. I was starting to feel attacked.
“Because, El.” He sighed. “You deserve someone. Someone better than Jason. And you take all these good guys and compare them too Jason. But not even the real Jason, this wonderful guy you’ve built up in your mind to be fantastic. And he’s not. He’s just… A guy.”
“You don’t know him like I do.” I said, a little too loudly and a little too quickly. “He’s done a lot for me, and you know what? Everyone’s on this whole “get over Jason” kick, and expects me to do it now. But I can’t just flick a switch and fall out of love with someone. He was mine, for years and years. And now, he’s not and it’s not easy.”
“It IS easy El. You just need to stop and think about it.” He said. I could hear the frustration edging in his voice.
“What do you know Drew? You’ve never had anyone. You’ve never even been in love.” I shot back. Low blow, but it was true. Drew had taken girls out, but hadn’t ever had a serious relationship. I had questioned once if Drew was gay. Not that it mattered to me, but I knew his family were really right winged and would have thrown him out, and Drew was really close to his family. I knew that would have killed him. When I suggested it to Jason, he had said no way. So, I never really knew what his deal was.
“I know that Jason didn’t want you. And I know that if someone was dumb enough to let me go, I’d be smart enough to walk away.” Drew said sharply. “If he’s so great El, how come he didn’t even call you to make sure you were OK when you backed out of his wedding? You think Jay didn’t know how you felt?” Drew laughed, a little harsh. “He knew. He just didn’t feel the same way. And how could you still love him after that?”
I felt the wave of pain and embarrassment flash through me. It started in my heart and worked it’s way all over my body, ebbing and flowing, and continuing over me several times, like a wave washes over a beach. I couldn’t say anything, I was afraid I would start crying, and I wouldn’t let Drew know he got to me.
“El.” He said, his voice softer. He stopped at a red light, and looked over at me. “I’m sorry. It’s just…” He trailed off, and shook his head slightly. He sighed deeply.
“Forget it Drew. Just take me home.” I said, working to keep my voice steady and even.

We got home and I locked myself in the bathroom, taking as much time as possible to wash off my makeup, brush my hair, and change into my pajamas. When I finally emerged, Drew was sitting on the edge of my bed, in a pair of ratty sweatpants and a plain white tee shirt that clung to his chest. The look on his face was one that little boys get right after they’ve said something mean to their mother: scared, pained, and remorseful.
“While I maintain that what I said was the truth, I shouldn’t have said it so harshly. It’s just… You’ve been focused on Jason for so long, it’s like you have tunnel vision. You only see him. And there’s so many other people out there, people who want a chance to love you, and you won’t let them in. And it’s kind of annoying, El, to hear you talk about Jason like he’s a saint. I’m sorry he hurt you, I’m sorry I hurt you. And I don’t expect you to get over it in two seconds, but Ella you’re not even trying. You sit here and reminisce about the good times and it completely fades out the bad times.” He paused, running a hand through his already mussed hair. “You just can’t even see how dumb he is for not choosing you. You’re so smart, funny, and beautiful, and I don’t see how he couldn’t have chosen you.”
I slipped down next to Drew, patting his leg with my hand.
“It’s OK Drew. It’s just… Hard.” We both sat there, in silence that became increasingly uncomfortable. I struggled to think of something to say. “You just apologized so you wouldn’t have to sleep on the futon, didn’t you?”

Gone Away Before Too Long

After prom, Jason went back to Indiana. He had issues with his father, and he was desperate to get away. So desperate, that some nights he even slept in his car, just so he wouldn’t have to be in the same house as him. I begged him to come to Ohio, my parents adored Jason, and would have allowed him to stay with us. But, Jason didn’t want to leave his two sisters behind. So he stayed, and often took the brunt of his father’s anger. He came down as much as he could, and I tried to go up there on weekends. It was harder for me to come up there, with school ending and finals, and not having a concrete place to stay. Sometimes his father allowed me to stay there. Sometimes I snuck in. Sometimes I bunked with Drew or Nick. I hated having Jason come down here though, because I knew it took away from his get-away fund. He said I was worth it though, and it made it hard to argue with him.
After I graduated, I put off going to school for a year. I wanted to work and make money, I wanted my own place and a chance to try to stand on my own two feet. So I moved in with a friend, and my first course of action was getting a dog.
I’m a very pet oriented person. It stems from the fact that I never lived in a place that I was allowed to have anything bigger than a rabbit. I’ve owned hamsters, gerbils, fish, rats, rabbits, and my Mom allowed me to get an ornery old cat named Bubba, but I always wanted a dog.
When we went to meet him, he was so happy, he couldn’t hold in his own pee. That’s when I knew he was the one for me. He was a boxer/lab mix who had been found on a farm with no food or water. He was still a tad underweight, but the sweetest little guy I ever met. Even at 4 months old, he weighed in at 30 lbs. He was going to be a big boy. He was going to be my boy.
Jason and I had been going through… A rough patch. Things with his Dad were hard, and he was shutting me out. I never knew where he was going to be, so sometimes it was tricky to get a hold of him. I was trying to be understanding, but it was hard to have a boyfriend who was MIA. He had also been talking more and more about joining the Marines, which I was strictly against. I figured a dog would take up a lot of time, be a nice distraction and also a good companion.
On the drive home from the people we got him from, my roommate and I tried out different names for him. Tressel, Buckeye, Buck, Coach… None of those fit him. We tried regular names, like Joe, Roger, and even Ed. Those didn’t work out. We got off track, and somehow ended up quoting lines from favorite movies and shows.
“They call me Tater Salad.” My roommate deadpanned.
“That’s it!” I shouted. “Tater Salad!”
Tater was a good dog, for the most part. He hated being left alone, but really, what dog doesn’t? He was hyper like most puppies were, and was very food motivated (which, could have been a good or bad thing. Good when it came to training, he responded to treats. Bad, however, when it came to leaving him alone. We hadn’t yet gotten him a crate, and one night, and I still have no idea how he did this, he managed to somehow get the oatmeal out of the counter above the sink. He dragged that oatmeal all over the house. When we first walked in, I had thought it was cat litter, as he also sometimes liked to get into my roommate’s cats litterboxes. But no, it was oatmeal. How he got it, and more importantly WHY he picked oatmeal out of everything IN the cabinet, I will never know. It was really too funny/strange to get angry at him for.)
Tater went everywhere with me. It was even harder to make it to Indiana now, because I wouldn’t leave him at home. He slept with me, went to the store with me, car rides were his favorite. We went on long walks together, he listened to me when I cried over the lastest blow up with Jason, kept me warm. He played, and quit playing when I was done. He did baths well, and even loved to swim with me. I believe everyone has a soul mate. And it is my honest opinion that Tater was mine.
I came home that day in December, and while Tater came to the door to greet me, he didn’t jump on me and give me “hugs” per usual. I set my stuff down, and shook the leash.
“Wanna go bye bye, big guy?” I asked.
Tater walked the opposite direction, laid down on the couch, and sighed.
“Um, Tater. Outside?” I questioned, walking over to him.
I noticed when I sat down next to him that I could see his ribs poking through his skin. I was sure it hadn’t looked like that yesterday. While he had been a little underweight when we had adopted him, he had put on weight nicely. But, it couldn’t have happened overnight, could it? And then, looking at him up close, I could see he was shaking slightly.
“Oh, big boy, what’s wrong?” I asked, feeling his forehead as if I could check if he had a fever that way. I wrapped my arms around him. I figured maybe he was cold, it was December, and he was a short coated dog. I wrapped a blanket around him and went to call the vet.
They were about to close and made me an appointment for the next morning. They gave me the number for the emergency vet in case anything got worse, but told me it sounded like he’d be OK until tomorrow.
I left him there and ran out to get him a hamburger from McDonalds – his favorite. He barely licked it when I gave it to him.
I called Jason. Over and over I called. He never answered. He never called me back.
I curled up in bed with Tater, laying him at his thick pillow at the bottom of the bed, moving down so my head was down by him. At about 2 AM, he threw up on the pillow. I scooted him into bed with me, wrapping my arms around him. An hour later he threw up in my bed. He stood up and went to his water dish, lapping up water, only to throw it up seconds later. At four, I called the emergency vet. We were there by four thirty, and at five we had gotten the answer: Parvo.
I could have attempted to keep him alive. The doctor said parvo wasn’t what actually killed the dog, the dehydration caused by the parvo does. He said it was like AIDs in the sense that AIDs rarely killed you, but complications or illnesses from it did. But the doctor said at that point, it was pretty much pointless to try. He said it would be expensive, and had such a slim chance of working.
At five, Tater was gone.
I called into work and called off for the day. Then I drove. I wasn’t sure where I was going and just drove mindlessly. I ended up down by the river, and a spot Tater and I often walked. I leaned my forehead on the steering wheel and sobbed until my stomach ached and my eyes ran dry. I was suddenly exhausted, so I turned the car back on and headed home. I parked my car and tried to call Jason again. Again, no answer. I left a voicemail for him to call me, as soon as he possibly could, and hung up.
I unlocked the door and turned the knob. I braced myself for a dog attack, before it hit me. Tater was gone. There would be no more dog hugs when I got home. There would be no more bolting out the door and playing catch me if you can. I looked around and realized, I would never be coming home to anymore accidents, no more chewed shoes. I’d no longer have to vacuum constantly to keep the dog hair at bay, and there’d be no more danger of stepping in puddles if I had forgotten to let him out.
I sunk to the floor, put my head in my hands, and started to sob all over again. I don’t know if I’m pathetic or lucky for saying this. But nobody has ever loved me the way that that dog did. And I highly doubt that anyone ever will. Nobody has ever wanted me around as much, needed me that much, or given me as much. I’ve fallen in love with a few guys, and had my heart broken a few times. But nobody has ever broken my heart as badly as when Tater died. And nobody was ever more worth a broken heart.
Jason finally called back a few hours later. I was in my bed, trying to figure out how to sleep alone. I was tired, drained, and suddenly, very, VERY angry.
“Where were you?”I snapped as I flipped open my cell phone.
“My Dad and I got into it, he kicked me out and I didn’t have time to grab my phone. He just left for work, my Mom let me in to get my stuff.” Jason explained. “What’s going on? You called me like, a hundred times.”
“I needed you.” I said, quietly. “And you weren’t there.”
“I’m sorry El. I just can’t always be there for you.” He said, a little exasperated.
“But I needed you.” I said, louder. “I just had one of the worst nights in my life and you were where? Playing video games at Nicks? On Drew’s sofa watching movies? And you couldn’t even THINK to call me? Not even to check in?”
“I told you I didn’t have my…”
“Your phone.” I cut him off. “Like Drew and Nick don’t have a phone. Like there’s not a million and one pay phones in Indiana.”
“What happened? Another fight with Jarren? Sorry I missed out on another why Jarren sucks rant.” He said, sarcastically.
Jarren was my roommate. We were good friends for the most part, but sometimes she was impossible to live with.
“No, you ass. Taters dead.”
“What?” Jason exclaimed. “What happened?”
“He was sick, and they couldn’t help him. They said it was best if I put him down. I killed my best friend Jay.” I said. I started crying all over again.
It didn’t help that two months prior, my Mom came home and found our ornery orange cat, Bubba, dead. I still hadn’t gotten used to going to her house and not seeing him, and now I had my own place to readjust too.
“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.
“Sorry for what Jas? That Tater’s dead or that once again you were no where to be found when I needed you?”
“You act like this happens daily.” He retorted.
“It DOES happen daily. Maybe not the me needing you part, but at least three days out of the week you’re gone and I have no idea how to get a hold of you. What if something happens again? What if something happens to you or to me?”
“You’re overreacting El.”
“No, I’m not. You just don’t think about anyone but yourself anymore.”
“That’s not true…” I heard him start, but I already hung up. I heard my phone ring a couple of times before I put it on silent. I left the room, drank some Nyquil, and half an hour later I was passed out.
I woke up to about twenty missed calls from Jason, and an empty hollow feeling. I stretched, went into the kitchen, and started to pour food for Tater. I was halfway to his bowl with the cup of kibble before I realized. He wasn’t here to eat it anymore.
I shook it off, not feeling like I was able to cry anymore, and went into a whirlwind of cleaning. His bowls went into the trash, along with his leash, and his toys. The food I bagged (it had been in it’s own container) and set it by the door to take to a friend. I bleached everything, steam cleaned the rug, washed my sheets, threw out his doggy bed. When I was done the only trace left of him was his collar, and a doggy head sized hole in the blinds from where he used to keep watch for me. The apartment felt so empty, so silent, and my roommate wasn’t due back for another two days. Even her cats realized something was up and had holed up in her room.
I booted up my laptop and checked my email. I had an email from Jason, a couple of forwards, a few emails from organizations that I volunteered for, and one from someone I didn’t recognize. I thought it was spam, but for some reason I decided to open it.
To: Ella McLean McElla21@yahoo.com
From: Nancy Greene NGreene@sts.org
Re: Your Donation
Ella-
Your friend Jason told me about your loss, and let me start out by saying I’m so sorry. But, I wanted you to know that what you did was the best thing for Tater. It was also the best thing for the five shelter dogs we were able to pull out of high kill shelters because of your donation in Tater’s name. Thank you, so much, and know that while Tater is gone, five more dogs (Kinko, a Husky/Lab mix, Mookie, a boxer/lab mix, Dozer, a dalmation mix, and Toostie and Loki, two small puppies) will be able to live because of him.
Thank you again, and if you’re ever looking for another dog, or for a foster/volunteer position, please think of stop the suffering.
-Nancy

I paused, re-reading it over and over. I hadn’t made a donation. I was officially broke from last nights ordeal… But Jason?

To: Ella
From: Jason BlancoBlanc@hotmail.com
Sub: Me being an idiot

Ella-
You have always been there for me, and it’s true I haven’t been around much. I know how much Tater meant to you, and I feel like such a jerk for not being there when you had to put him down. Toni told me about a shelter who pulls dogs out of high kill shelters and fixes them up to be adopted. So I put in some money, with a couple of other guys, and Toni gave it to them this morning. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here.
-Jay

I closed down my computer then, and left. I drove aimlessly around the neighborhood again, trying to clear my head. I was so mad, and sad, and touched. I felt like there was a war of emotions going on in my stomach and my head. It got later and later, and I started to drive further in further. I was going in loops, getting off at one highway exit and stopping to drive around neighborhoods that I didn’t know, only to get back on later and drive to the next exit. I stopped for gas a few times, and for food that I just picked at. Eventually it was dark and I finally knew where I was headed.
I parked around the corner, snuck in his backyard and knocked on his window, hoping that he was here, and hoping that none of his neighbors would call the police on what they thought was a prowler or peeping Tom. After a few minutes, he opened up the window, and I slid inside. I was face to face with him.
“What are you doing here?” He whispered. His TV was on low, the room cast in that eerie and somewhat lonely glow.
“I can’t sleep without him. It sounds stupid Jay but I’ve never missed someone so much.” And I started to cry all over again.
He didn’t say a word, just led me to his bed. He gently pulled off my clothes, and handed me his oversized sweatpants and a tee shirt. Then, he pushed me on the bed, again, gently, and wrapped his arms around me.
I laid my head on his chest, and listening to his heartbeat, fell into a deep sleep. Jason, even when being an ass, always knew how to fix things. But he could never mend the crack on my heart that occurred when Tater died. He did, however, ease the pain.
I wasn’t allowed to foster any of the dogs that were saved in Tater’s name. Parvo is a very dangerous disease, and it can live up to a really long time. However, year after year, Jason never failed to donate money in Tater’s name to rescue a few more dogs, and when I left that apartment I was able to keep and train a few and find them new homes. It’s something I still do today.

I wonder if he knows, he's all I think about at night

I did drink, after I saw the pictures. Again, I know it’s cliché, and with my family history of alcoholism a little dangerous to use drinking as a coping mechanism, but I couldn’t help it. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw close ups of them. Her face, smiling. Him, looking at her like… Well, like he looked at me on prom night. And my brain and heart were arguing with each other. My brain said that if I really loved him, then all I would want is for him to be happy. And it was very clear that he was happy. But my heart, while knowing that was a novel idea, kept breaking, over and over, and one phrase kept running through my mind when I saw those mind pictures: She’s not me.
I woke up the next morning – actually it was the late afternoon, my mouth dry and tasting like I had made out with the inside of a garbage can. I had decided to go through old photos at some point, and one was pasted to the side of my face with what I hoped was drool. Other than the dry mouth, I wasn’t hung-over (the one thing I can thank the alcoholic genes for.) I did, however, have to cringe when out of the corner of my eye, I saw the blinking light of my cell phone. Messages.
Oh, technology, how I loathe your easiness when I was wasted. Any drunken fool still knows how to dial a cell phone (usually), or send a text message. And the power of these things is mighty. I didn’t want too, but I needed to face the music. And, to go through my call log and make sure I hadn’t called Jason. He wouldn’t have answered, that I was sure of. He probably didn’t even have cell phone reception, still being on his honeymoon. But I needed to see if I had to break into his voicemail and delete any messages.
Luckily, I had shut my computer down after I had seen the pictures, and sitting down at my computer desk, I saw that it was still off. There’s no way I would have gone through the effort of booting up my computer and then shutting it back down. I barely do it sober, drunk just makes me a million times more lazy. I took a drink of water that I had left on the desk (I always start off very good about taking a drinks of water along with whatever I happen to be drinking. But, of course, the more buzzed I get, the more I forget. Therefore I always end up with dry mouth in the morning.) And looked down at the messages.
Drewbie had texted twice since I last texted him, and called four times. Toni texted once and called three times. I had some other missed calls and texts, but I knew Toni and Drew were the ones I drunk texted or dialed. We all have safety nets, and these two were mine. Ever since I’d stopped being able to tell Jason everything, I subbed in Drew whenever there was something I needed to hold back. Drew knew the whole sordid affair, and had been the first one to call me when the wedding invitation arrived in the mail. Drew had been the one who had found me, a sobbing mess in the hotel room before the wedding, and was the one to finally convince me that maybe it was best if I just sat that one out.
All the boys in our little “gang” fell into sub-catagories. Jason was the geeky one, red hair, freckles, pale. But he was also the clown. Nick, was the charmer. He was chubby, always had been, always would be, but knew how to flash his eyes, and girls just loved to squeeze him and call him their teddy bear (that was, of course, until Nick married Toni. Now she’s the only one calling him her teddy bear.) He was always smoozing, always scheming, and always had a girl. Drew was by far the cutest one of the boys. He had black curly hair (but wavy-curly, not bad perm curly), deep brown eyes, and had that whole tall, dark, handsome thing going for him. His hair had a way of falling into his eyes, giving him a slight sheepish appearance. Although, I guess it wasn’t much of an appearance. While Jason was the loud funny one, and Nick the party boy social butterfly, Drew was the shy one. At first I thought he didn’t like me because he hardly ever spoke to me, and always hung back, but I spent one night with him in the ER (note to all you readers: Standing in the back of a cargo van while someone drives it around recklessly and over speedbumps SOUNDS like fun, but it is NOT a good idea.) And he ended up really opening up. Ever since then, Drew and I developed our own special relationship.
I noticed that I also had several voicemails, and I knew a couple of those had to be from Drew or Toni. I also knew that I needed some food before I even ventured into that territory. Both Drew and Toni believed in the “tell it like it is” philosophy. There was no sugar coating anything, they were going to give it to me, and they were going to be brutally honest.
I shuffled into the kitchen and rifled through the fridge. I hit jackpot: cold sesame chicken that didn’t smell like it had gone bad yet. I grabbed it and a water, and shuffled back into the living room.
I dug in with one hand, and with the other hand started going through my text. My phone saves all texts together in conversations, which can really be a handy feature in times like these.
Me: I saw the pictures
Toni: Oh, I told you that was a bad idea.
Me: She’s supposed to be me, Toni. Why isn’t she me?
Toni: I don’t know hon. I know it’s supposed to be like this. But I know it hurts you and for that I’m sry.
Me: How culd u say that? How culd he do this 2 me?
Toni: You need to just let it go, Ella. It’s over.
Me: I;;; nver let him go itll be like tittantic
Toni: You’ve been drinking? Not a good idea.

I started my conversation with Drew a little later, and it went like this:
Me: Ill nvr let go Jason. Nvr let go.
Drewbie: U know Im not Jason rite?
Me: I no, u wuld nvr leave me for Kayla kangaroo.
Drewbie: U OK?
Me: nvr b ok again. Im gunna die alone. Missed my 1 tru luv.
Drewbie: Do u need me 2 come over?
Drewbie: Seriously El I’ll come.

I groaned. It was embarrassing to be that dramatic over things. I mean, sure, it was how I really felt, but I didn’t want anyone to know like I felt like I was going to die alone. I mean, best case scenario is that at least I said it to two really close friends, but still. I didn’t really want anyone to know how hard I was hit by Jason leaving. It made it more, real, in a way.
And I didn’t really want Drew to come down, either. I’d be forced to act happy, go out and about my business. Which, I knew I needed to do. Eventually. Right now I wanted to wallow in self pity, bad food and equally bad TV.
I was getting ready to text Drew back that no, he didn’t need to come, I was just fine, when there was a knock at my door. I paused, sesame chicken halfway to my mouth, and starred at the door. I looked down at my gizmo pajama pants, raised a hand and felt my hair, in a huge rats nest, and blinked my swollen eyes. For a second I contemplated not answering, but then decided that if whoever was going to annoy me with whatever they were selling, I would at least look the part of huge crazy bitch as I told them off.
I got up, setting my Styrofoam container on my coffee table. I looked out the peephole and groaned.
“Drewbie, go home!” I shouted through the door.
“C’mon El, I drove all night. Let me in!” He called back.
“I didn’t tell you to come.” I grumbled, unlocking the door and letting him in.
“Wow, Ellie. You look like crap.” He said, walking in and looking me up and down.
“Thanks Drewbie. Go home.” I said, trying to push him out the door.
“Stop, El. I’ve got a weeks vacation. I’m staying or else Toni says she’s coming down. And, she said to tell you, she’ll bring the kids.”
I sighed and moved aside to let him back in. I love Toni and Nick’s kids, when I could give them back to her at the end of the day.
“Go get in the shower. We’re going out.”
“I don’t want to go out.” I said, curling up on the couch.
“I know you don’t. But I’m under strict orders to get you out of the house. And you can’t go out looking like you do.”
“Since when did you become Toni’s bitch?” I asked, glaring at him.
“Since when did you become Jason’s?” He returned.
While that was warranted, it still stung a little. Rather than let him see how he had gotten to me, I huffed myself off the couch and into my bedroom. I needed a shower anyway.
Under the hot, streaming water, I felt some of my anger float away. He and Toni just wanted to help out. It was a rough time for me. I was not only losing the love of my life, but my best friend. I don’t care what anyone said, Jason and I would never be the same again. And I just didn’t know what to do with this all, didn’t know how to move on. I washed my hair and body, and stepped out. I wrapped a towel around myself and stepped into my room.
“You’re naked.” Drew mumbled. He was sprawled out across my bed.
“No, I’m toweled. I very well could be though. Why are you in here?”
“I told you, I needed a nap.” He said, looking me up and down.
“Stop looking at me like that. You’ve seen me in less, Drewbie. You know there’s a futon in the computer room.”
“That thing is a death trap, and you know it. I’m not sleeping on that thing.”
“Whatever. Where are we going?” I asked, walking over to my closet.
“Out. The club. Toni said you needed loud music, a few drinks, and dancing.”
“I hate the club.” I sighed. “And I don’t have anything to wear.” I felt the tension that was relieved from my shower coming back.
“Toni said to wear the dress you were supposed to wear to Jason’s wedding.”
“Really?” I asked, a little shocked. I fingered the dress through it’s plastic.
“That’s what she said.”
I shrugged. At this point I had nothing to lose.

I close my eyes and the flashbacks start...

I was a drama loving teenager, so we’ll leave out the countless times that I called Jason up on the phone at four in the morning, crying over some nonsense. So we’ll flash back to a couple choice moments to show you what kind of guy Jason was.

The first major time was when I was 17, and senior prom rolled around. I didn’t date much in high school, I had grown up in a small town where everyone knew everyone. I knew who pooped their pants in first grade, who threw up on who’s dad’s shoes in fourth grade… I grew up with these boys. And they were too much like brothers for me to get romantically interested in. Senior year that all changed. Jake Catunio was new to our little school. Tall, dark, handsome stranger rolled around. And he was gorgeous.
Jake was not interested in me. Jake was interested in everybody BUT me, and he seemed to be especially interested in anyone who was a close friend of mine. So I once again fell into the position of being the best friend, and not the girlfriend. However, prom popped up, and I wanted to do it up big. It was the last big hurrah of school, and the girls and I planned to dropped tons of money to make it a night to remember. Hair, dress, shoes, limo, and we all wanted dates.
I was shocked, personally, when Jake asked me to the prom. Being his best friend, I knew he was holding a serious crush on two different girls – who both happened to have pretty serious boyfriends. He thought it’d be fun to go together, and while I realized it was just as friends, I was still excited. Call me young, call me stupid, call me naïve, call me a watcher of too many teen romance comedies… But I just had this scene in my head that when I came down the stairs in the perfect dress with the perfect hair, and the perfect shoes, and the perfect makeup, that Jake would fall in love, and we’d have the perfect night, and everything would be – perfect.
I spent an insane amount of time combing through dress after dress. I ordered three online, had them shipped overnight, and sent them all back, because while they were good, they were not good enough. I spent hours online with Jason, sending him link after link to dress websites, asking him – is this the one? And when I finally did find it, I spent an insane amount of money on it.
It’s funny, I don’t even really remember many details about that dress now. I know it was a halter dress, because they look best on me, it was tight over my chest and then flowed down to hide my “trouble” areas (ha, yes, at 17 I thought I had trouble areas!) The bottom was flowing and it was the color of a sunset.
I bought it with a week to spare. Two days before prom, I went to meet my friend Kellie to get a mani/pedi (I hate pedicures, and frankly am terrified of them, but I had open toed shoes, and I think I stressed the importance of how perfect this night had to be.) I walked into the salon and was met with Kellie’s surprise.
“Oh!” She jumped up to greet me. “You came!”
“Yeah!” I said, laughing and hugging her. “Why wouldn’t I have?”
“I just heard about Jake is all. I mean it’s kinda pointless to go through all this if you don’t have a date. Might as well save a few bucks since you’ll have to buy yourself dinner, you know!” She said, chuckling.
I stopped. I felt the color drain from my face.
“What do you mean, you heard about Jake?”
She stopped laughing. “You mean HE didn’t tell you?” She sounded outraged.
“Tell me what, Kel?”
She sighed. “Oh no, this is NOT my job. But if I don’t tell you, will he? You should really hear it from him. But I mean, it’s two days away and he still hasn’t told you so is he going too….”
“Kellie!” I said, hissing through my teeth, interrupting the argument she was having with herself.
“Oh!” She squeaked. “Becca broke up with her boyfriend because he was cheating on her and now he’s taking new skank girl to prom and Bec was really upset and Jake found out and you know he likes her so he figured he could save the day and asked her to prom he said you wouldn’t care because you weren’t real dates just friends.” She stuttered through quickly, without pausing for a breath.
I sunk down in the chair. My dress. My hair. My shoes. They all disappeared in little clouds of smoke. Looking at Kellie’s face, I saw she was concerned, and I knew I had to act like I didn’t care.
“Well, it would have been nice to know but…” I shrugged.
“You’re still going right? I mean, it wouldn’t be fun without you.” She said, sliding down next to me.
I knew I had to go. It’s not like a date was required, and if I didn’t show… Well, people would feel sorry for me. Because I got dumped. Not even for real dumped though, friend dumped.
“Oh sure. I’ll be there. With freshly done nails too!” I said, faking a grin and waving my own nails, torn and jagged, in her face.

I arrived home, bummed, and slunk down on the couch. I had a tanning appointment at three, and I fingered the phone, contemplating canceling. I wasn’t big on the fake baking, and had never really tanned in real life. I did enjoy laying in the sun with a book, feeling the warmth of rays starting to slowly cook my skin (and while I realize that may sound like I’m being sarcastic, I’m not. I know it’s a weird, slightly gross way to put it, but I think it every time I lay in the sun and start to get that glowy warm feeling this thought always pops up in my mind: I’m being cooked.) But actually working to tan just seemed like… Too much work to me.
It shocked me a little when the phone rang. I almost dropped it, but regained my composure and answered.
“H’lo?” I mumbled, getting up to raid the fridge.
“Hey El, what are you doing? More froo-froo prom stuff?” Jason laughed.
“Oh, hey Jay. No, no more prom stuff.” I said, unable to hide the twinge of sadness in my voice.
“Really?” He sounded honestly surprised. “Just yesterday it was all about prom. Nail appointments and hair appointments and dress colors and all that junk.”
“Yesterday I had a date.” I said glumly.
“You’re date bailed? And prom’s in like, what, a week?”
“Two days.”
“What’s his excuse? Dead grandma?”
I paused for a minute, lifting my nail up to my mouth and realized I couldn’t chew these hard acrylic nails. Instead I tapped a finger on my chin.
“Ella?” Jason prompted.
“The girl he liked became available. Her boyfriend dumped her and left her without a prom date. So, he was rescuing her.” I shrugged.
“Oh what a douche in shining armor.” Jason snorted.
“Jason… Don’t.”
“I know your sad, El, and I don’t like that.” His voice suddenly got soft and quiet.
“I’m OK.” I mumbled.
“You’re disappointed.” It wasn’t a question, simply a statement, and one I could not argue with.
“Yeah well…”
“Is there anyone else you can go with?”
“I mean, there probably is, but nobody I want to go with. I’d rather go alone. I’ll be fine.” I said, sounding more sure of myself than I felt.
“You sure?” He asked.
“Positive.”

I hung up with Jason after promising to call him after prom. I was supposed to go with a group of friends out to another friend’s cabin, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to tag along or not. I figured I’d play it by ear and see how the night went, if I had fun, I’d go. If for some reason, I remained bummed, or felt like a third wheel, I’d come home to the loving arms of my favorite old tee shirt and old classic romance movies.
I spent the night before prom at Kellie’s house, doing facials and giggling, and trying to put myself in as much prom mood as I possibly could. It was fun to stay up with the girls, to watch bad teen romance movies that centered around the prom, to sneak into the band candy’s supplies (the band boosters ran the concession stands at all the games, earning the band money. Kellie’s Mom was the President of the band boosters, and therefore her house was always chock full of candy, soda, and chips that they sold at the game.) We all started with the plan to sleep on the floor, but somehow after watching Carrie and freaking each other out, we ended up jamming four girls into her small twin. I don’t even remember falling asleep that night, I remember one second playing “fuck him, marry him, throw him off a bridge” and the next second waking up a foot in my face.
It was hard to get as excited as the other girls were while we were getting ready. They had someone to impress and I had… Myself? And to be honest, I went around in track pants and tee shirts most of the time, I wasn’t that hard to impress. If we had been a bigger school, maybe I could have tricked myself into thinking there’d be someone there who I’d impress. Someone new. But I literally knew everyone in school by name, and if anyone brought someone new, they’d most likely be coming as a date. I let my mind briefly cross to the dark side, hoping I’d impress Jake enough to feel bad about his choice, but I really didn’t want Becca to get dumped twice. It’s not like she had asked him to take her, he had offered.
The parents, excited to see their first, last or just another child all dressed up, decided they would call us down one by one, fashion show style, so everyone could ooh and ahh over us. Our dates would be waiting at the bottom of the stairs. I made Kellie’s little six year old nephew promise he’d stand at the bottom waiting to escort me.
I made their girls let me go last. I figured since I was dateless, we wouldn’t have to pose for as many pictures, and could leave right after I got down.
I waited upstairs for what felt like forever as I heard parents cheer and cameras go off for the other girls. Finally I hear Kellie’s Dad call for me.
“Ella Enchanted!” He joked. “C’mon down!”
I sighed and pushed myself off of Kellie’s bed. I gave myself one last once over in the mirror hanging on the back of the door, sighed, and plastered a smile on my face. Most of the songs would be fast songs anyway, I’d have fun dancing with the girls, and I’m sure at least one of them would make sure their dates would dance with me during one slow song. I stepped out of her room, and made my way to the staircase. I paused at the top to pose so pictures could be taken. I was blinded for a second by all the flashes, but as my vision cleared and I looked down on all the families and friends waiting for me, my eyes finally rested on the face waiting at the bottom of the stairs for me. And my heart stopped. It wasn’t Jordan, Kellie’s nephew. My heart skipped a beat.
“Jason!” I screamed. I couldn’t get down the stairs fast enough. The parents laughed and Kellie squealed and Jason cracked his famous wide smile. I got to the bottom and jumped into his open arms.
“You look amazing, El.” He whispered into my ear, and he picked me up slightly and squeezed me into a hug.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, with my arms still wrapped around his neck.
“Being your knight in shining amour.” He said, setting me down and smiling again.

We took picture after picture, I couldn’t stop looking at Jason. At how perfect this all was, how good he looked, how right we felt. Jason and I had altered between having crushes on each other the whole time we’d been friends, but we’d never done anything about it. The timing wasn’t right, or we’d realize it when he was in Indiana and I was in Ohio. But I knew from the beginning, tonight was going to be special.

I won’t go into all the boring details of how dinner tasted, how we danced to every song, how Jason held me close and we didn’t even feel the need to talk. I had wanted a movie perfect date, and I got it. Jake did take notice in how I looked, and made it a point to tell me I looked good, but Jason put his hand protectively around my waist, and Jake took the hint and went back to his date. The icing on the cake for the night, was going out to the cabin. We ate tons of food, played loud music and danced some more, played truth or dare, and even at one point the girls all jumped into the lake (ruining our hair, makeup, and REALLY expensive dresses, but we’d probably never wear them again anyway. We all ended up donating them to Cinderella’s Closet, where the were professionally cleaned and resold at five dollars a dress to girls who otherwise couldn’t afford a prom dress.) After it had died down a little, Jason took me by the hand and led me out to the deck. He sat down in a chair, and I sat down on his lap, pulling a blanket over us both. I laid there, my head resting on his chest, his head resting on mine, just talking and star gazing.
“You didn’t have to come all the way out here just for me. I know you had to work.” I said. I had also wondered how much money Jason had spent. He had become really tight fisted about his cash flow lately, as he and his Dad had begun to fight more and more. He was desperate to get out of the house and out from under his father.
“I know. I toyed with it for awhile after we had gotten off the phone, but I knew had I offered to come, you would have said no. You just sounded so… Disappointed.” He said, his voice low. He twirled a piece of my still damp hair around his finger.
“I was disappointed.” I admitted, shrugging. “But, I would have gotten over it.”
“Well, I hopped online later and tried to IM you, but I got Kellie instead. She said you had logged on when you stopped at her house after the salon, and she had forgotten to sign you off. We talked about you, and she said you had been pretty bummed too. So she filled me in on all the details and got me a prom ticket.”
“Kellie helped you do this?” I said, turning slightly to look at him. “Can’t keep anything a secret for more than a second, Kellie?”
He smiled and touched my cheek. “It was worth it you know. You really did look just…” He trailed off, looking into my eyes. My stomach jumbled as I knew what was coming. I felt my eyes involuntarily start to close. The next thing I knew, his lips, warm and firm, were on mine.
The next thing I knew, I was melting into him.

The night Jason made my dream prom night come true. He also made me fall head over heels, undeniably in love with him. Regardless of our connection that night, we never made it “official” so to speak. I’m not sure why not, but I just knew Jason was mine. Again, I repeat, he was such a big part of me, how could I ever lose that? And now that I have lost it, I can’t help but wonder: Does that mean I’m losing myself?