I want to be exposed, and not afraid to fall

I woke up the next morning curled into Drew. I snuggled closer, liking the warmth of his body, how I felt like I fit. I breathed him in, wrapped myself around him, and sighed happily.
And then I recoiled.
This is how it had started with Jason. Easing into comfortableness. I had let myself fall for him because I didn’t know any better, I didn’t know how bad it hurt, how badly it could, and would, end. I couldn’t fall for Drew. I couldn’t even risk it.
I wondered if other girls had this problem. This strange problem with boundaries. I had no idea where the line was until after I crossed it. It’s true I was abnormally close with a few people, but that’s how I had always been. It was hard for me to let people in, and I’d much rather have a close group of five friends than a hundred friends. But, while it was hard for me to let you in, once you were in, it was even harder to let you go.
I slipped out of bed carefully untangling myself from Drew. I didn’t want to wake him. I grabbed the clothes I had laid out the night before, a pair of shorts and a tee shirt, and tip-toed out of the room. Changing quickly in the living room, tied up my sneakers, grabbed my Ipod and to go out for a jog.
Part of me hates running. I hate how tired I get, how out of breath. How early I have to get up to do it. Part of me loves it. There’s a certain peace you can obtain, counting your footsteps, controlling your breathing. I do love the dull ache I get in my chest, the physical pain of stretching yourself farther than you thought you could. You’d think that by running, you’d have nothing to do but think. But there’s plenty of things to concentrate on. And I often find that running clears my congested mind.
Once outside, I decided to jump on my bike instead, and rode it to Antrim Park. I locked it up and stood on the dock of the man made lake. I breathed in the cold morning air a couple of times, feeling it burn my lungs just a tad. I stretched briefly and took off for the lake loop.
Antrim Park made me feel safe. Being a woman made me paranoid, and being a woman who lived alone made me hyper-sensitive. My friends made fun of me for leaving notes on my fridge when I left the house – where I was going, who I was with. But, I still did it. And I knew women were often targeted when they were feeling less aware, like jogging in the early morning wearing headphones. I always left one ear bud out to keep a listen for anyone coming up on me, and if there was a jogging group running in the morning, I tried to stay in eye sight of them.
My mind touched on Jason for a moment, and my heart ached a little at his absence. I thought about what Drew had said last night. That he knew how I felt about him, and just didn’t care enough. I guess I knew that all along, but I liked to think I wasn’t so transparent. I wonder if Kayla knew, and if so, how she felt about it. If she even felt anything about it. She always seemed so confident to me, she may not have cared. I knew however, that had I been the one to marry Jason, I would have hated to know that some other girl had feelings for him. And it would have driven me to insanity had I known that the girl was his best friend. I pushed Jason out of my mind and instead decided to concentrate on my breathing. In through my mouth, out through my nose. Rinse and repeat.
I did the whole loop once, and then walked it once to cool down. I jumped back on my bike and rode home.
Biking was different than running. There was nothing, really, for me to concentrate on, other than my thoughts. Jason kept popping up, stubbornly, and each time I shoved him down. Drew popped up a couple of times too. Did I really have feelings for him? Or was I just lonely? Was he just an easy target to move on too? A Jason substitute, stand in, runner up? I knew that I wouldn’t be able to test that theory, I couldn’t date Drew. I would never be able to really know if I liked him for him, or simply because I couldn’t have Jason, and he was the closest thing to it. I needed someone new, someone different. But, again, it was difficult for me because I didn’t get out much. I was home now, and I jumped off my bike and set it up next to the porch.
My parents had bought me a house when I graduated from college. I know, it seems like a lavish gift, but it was really more of an investment, I guess. My Dad flips houses, and he got a really good deal on a run down house that was slightly outside city limits. I had to work for it a little, scraping wall paper off, painting, putting up drywall, hammering my fingers into oblivion. It was a smaller three bedroom house. The upstairs was one big room, which right now was a game room, and I kept contemplating turning it into my bedroom, only it got insanely cold in the winter and crazy hot in the summer. My bedroom right now was off the living room, and I turned the smaller bedroom downstairs into an office. I put a futon in there for guests, but everyone called the futon the death trap. My Mother said I used it so guests wouldn’t over stay their welcome, and I suppose she might be right. Although, it didn’t help because anyone who ended up staying with me overnight, usually just ended up bunking with me.
Which, may or may not be a good thing. I made a mental note to take a trip to Cincinatti and look at Ikea for sofa beds. Having guy friends sleep over was not working out well for me.
“Drew?” I called, walking into the house.
“In here.” He called from the kitchen. I heard bacon sizzling and smelled pancakes. I loved ruining a good workout with even better food.
“Hey, sleep well?” I asked, grabbing a piece of bacon off the cooling rack.
“Yeah, but I miss you when I woke up. Where’d you go?”
My heart panged a little. “Running. I run in the mornings.”
“What are you running from?” He joked.
“Nothing.” I said, quietly. “I’m going to jump in the shower, thanks for making breakfast.”
“It’ll cost ya.” He answered, lowering his face and pointing to his cheek.
I kissed him quickly and ran into my bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. I peeled off my sweaty, sticky clothes. I turned on the water to extra hot, hoping that I could scald this pseudo-crush on Drew out of my brain.
I needed a distraction. I didn’t feel ready to date, but I knew if there wasn’t something or someone else to focus on, and I’d work this tiny bud of a crush into a full scale L-o-v-e situation, and again, I wasn’t sure if it’d be real love, or a replacement love. Take out Jason, substitute Drew. My mind wandered to last night. Maybe I should pick up a random guy in a club. Have some fun. And then I thought about the magician. Greg Dangers. I wondered if that was his real name. He was cute, more so because of his personality than his looks, and it might be worth a shot to see if he wanted to go for drinks or something sometime. The worst that could happen is either him saying no, or it being a horrible date. Either way, it was a distraction. I rinsed my hair and shut off the shower. I took a second to squeeze out the excess water, and stepped carefully out of the tub. I always had this fear of slipping on the rug and cracking my head on the tub, I have no idea why. I wrapped a towel around myself, and went out into the living room.
“Foods ready.” Drew called from the kitchen, his mouth full.
“Just a second.” I said. I went into the computer room and sat down, hitting the spacebar until my computer jumped to life.
I googled Greg Dangers and had immediate access to his facebook, myspace, and website. I chose to go the website route. I didn’t want to seem like some groupie on his facebook or myspace page. I clicked the email link and then wondered what, exactly to say to him. I took a deep breath and decided to just start typing. Whatever came out would have to be good enough.

Hey-
Caught your show last night at the space. It was pretty good. My friend volunteered for you and got the dog-moose. Just wanted to say good show, and is Dangers your real last name?

-Ella.

I sighed, that was lame. But I hit send anyway.
“Food’s getting cold El!” Drew called. “And eaten!” He added.
“OK, OK.” I answered. I went back into my room and threw on a tee shirt and jeans. I emerged and sat down at the kitchen table. Drew had fixed a plate for me.
“Mmm, who needs love when you have bacon?” I asked, taking a bite.
“Speaking of love…” Drew trailed off. I stopped, bacon halfway to my mouth.
“Yes?” I prompted when he didn’t continue.
“Jason called while you were out. That’s what woke me up.” He fidgeted a little awkwardly.
“Oh.” I suddenly wasn’t very hungry, but stuffed the piece of bacon in my mouth, so I would have something to do other than talk. Or vomit.
“Yeah, he and Kayla are back in Florida. He wanted to see if you were feeling better and if you got the pictures.”
I nodded, mouth still full of bacon. It was starting to taste a little like tar to me. Damn Jason for ruining bacon for me too.
“So, I, ah, told him you were feeling much better and that you loved the pictures. But El… He wants to um. Stop by, on their way home.”
Shit. Shit. Shit, fuck, damn hell, son-of-a-bitch.
“God Damnit.” I said, slamming my hand down on the table.
Drew winced. “You don’t have to let him come.”
“Oh really, Drew? What excuse do you want me to give this time? It’s bad enough that I missed his wedding. But what can I tell him that’ll make him not come up here? That won’t make this whole avoiding him and Kayla obvious?”
“So let him come.” Drew said, shrugging.
“And fake being happy for them? I hate him. I hate her. And I hate the fact that I can’t even let myself hate them. Because I don’t. Because I love him and I want him to be happy and she makes him happy. So instead I have to hate myself for not being able to be whatever it is he wanted.”
“Ella, it’ll be OK.” Drew said, awkwardly patting my hand.
“When, Drew?” I looked him in the eye. He drew back his hand and shrugged his shoulders.
“Later.” He said.
“When are they coming?” I rubbed my hands over my eyes and back over my hair.
“It’ll be a few days… I think…” He trailed off again, looking honestly pained to say the next part.
“You think what?” I asked, looking at him and narrowing his eyes.
“I think I’ll be gone by the time they come. I only got a week off work.”
I moaned and dramatically held my finger up to my temple in a mock gun. As I made a gun shot noise, I threw my head down on the table. “Just kill me now.” I mumbled.