Auggggggggggh

No post again today. I'm sorry guys, today I woke up feeling the best I had all week, and I thought, man, today I am going to get stuff done. Well, halfway through cleaning the living room, that dream died. I feel so ill.

I know you all say to take care of me first, but the thing is, I WANT to be doing things. I WANT to be writing, I want my house to not look like a pig sty, I want to be able to move without fearing that I am going to toss my cookies. Plus, as much as you guys say you understand, I know it's frustrating to have a schedule and have someone not stick to it.

I've decided that I am going to cut back on postings to twice a week. It makes me sad, because I feel like that's not enough, but I want to make sure it's something I know I can do. I may still post a whatever wednesday, I'm not sure. I'm hoping that once the second trimester hits, this sickness goes away, and if that's the case, we'll resume normal scheduling.

And anyone have any remedies for this morning sickness? I had some preggie pops that worked OK, but then my son got into them and threw them all around. Plus, 5 bucks for only 21 of them is kinda steep.
Ugh, sorry I'm late. It was a bad night with my son, and I'm not sleeping too hot anyway because I'm no longer taking my sleeping pills. Then this morning I've been fighting some serious morning sickness...

Long story short, I'm trying to get a post up, but I'm seriously considering chopping down the schedule to either two or three posts a week. I want you guys to be able to depend on me, but right now I'm not sure I can keep up.

Whatever Wednesday: What is it about the internet that brings out the assholes?

Seriously. What is it about the internet that makes people such assholes to each other? Especially to people they don't know? It's like, I highly doubt that MOST people (I do realize that there are exceptions to this) would walk up to a stranger on the street and say the type of crap that people say on in internet.

Case in point one: I'm on babycenter. I love it. I loved it with my son, and so far, I'm loving it with this pregnancy. It's nice to have people to talk to who are thinking about babies as much as you are. Anyway, I read this woman's journal entry. She talks about how doctors don't know if she's having a miscarriage or not, and goes on to say that she would be happy either way. If she isn't, well then, she's still pregnant. But if she is miscarrying, then she'll get back to focusing on her body to get ready for bikini weather. I know, at first this may sound like, OMG how could someone say this? But then the next line after that was "I have to think like this so I don't get depressed." Which, I TOTALLY understand.

When I was in that limbo area, I just wanted to know. It's so hard to NOT know what's going on. One second you're trying to be optimistic, and the next you're breaking down because you just KNOW that your baby is dying and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. I just wanted to KNOW. And if I was miscarrying, I'd probably console myself with the fact that at the very least I could get back to my diet and exercise.

But man, people tore her a new one. They didn't even TRY to understand. They said some awful things. How she was a horrible mother, how she deserved to miscarry, how they felt sorry for her other child.

It's like, really? This woman writes a journal entry talking about how she's just so sick of being on this teeter totter, and you focus on the moment where in her crisis she may not have chosen the best choice of words?

The worst part? Most of these woman have had miscarriages. You just think that they would have been able to relate, rather than wish the pain that they had gone through on someone else.

Second case: My friend Shayne posted a link on her facebook page about the new immigration law in AZ. I, once again, have not read up on this law. I've heard bits and pieces about it, but I really didn't know enough to comment on it. However, my brother, who is rainman about current events did comment. He and Shayne had the same opinion, and they went back and forth for a little bit. Then this other guy jumped in. He had a different opinion - but relayed it respectfully, and he and my brother had some back and forth, again, both being respectful, and a couple of times my brother even says "Wow, you make some good points, things I didn't think of."

Out of nowhere, this guy Tyler jumps in, and calls my brother a pussy. Basically, he agreed with the second guy, but rather than presenting his opinion respectfully as everyone else had done, chose to single out my brother and name call.

Everyone jumped on him and told him he was being a dick. His response: Yeah it was a dick thing to do, but I'm a dick, so what do you expect? And then he went to bash my brother some more.

First of all, I HATE the whole "I'm a dick, what do you want?" response (also hate the whole "I'm a bitch, deal with it." type thing.) It's like, just because you admit to being a dick doesn't mean it's OK. Secondly, I've found that people who are like "Oh yeah, I'm a bitch/dick" are the first people to get all butt ass hurt when someone else is a dick or a bitch. You can't say that that behavior is OK, and then get all bent out of shape when someone responds in kind. It's like this kid I worked with always said "I don't care what anyone else says, I'm gonna do me" That was fine - but he was the FIRST person to talk shit when anyone else liked something he didn't like. Why is it OK for you to like what you like, but not OK for me to do my own thing?

Anyway, I digress. The fact of the matter is, he just keeps repeating "I'm right, my opinion is right" blah blah blah, without backing his opinion up with anything other than insults and name calling. It's like, how exactly are you right? And then he was making comments on my brother like "Oh, I just hate it when people talk to hear the sound of their own voice about shit they know nothing about" and it's like... Do you not see what you've written? You're talking crap about a person you know nothing about. You're doing the SAME thing. Hello pot? This is kettle. You're both black!

Then another thing is, my brother made mention when he was talking to the first guy about how he had been jumped. That's when the second guy - Tyler, jumped in, calling him a pussy because criminals pray on the weak. Oh really? So if a girl gets raped, she must just be a pussy? Like c'mon dude, even YOU have to admit how stupid you sound.

It just blows my mind. Especially since we live in a world where everyone wants to be different, be unique, and we try SO hard to stand out... But when it comes to matters of opinions we get SO pissed off if people don't think like we do.

I mean I can't claim innocence. There are certain subjects I get VERY worked up about because I believe in them so much. But there's STILL no need to resort to name calling when you're talking about opinions. It just makes you sound stupid. If your opinion is SO right, then it should stand up on it's own merit - you shouldn't HAVE to bully someone into believing what you do.

Anyway, on a happier note... My doctors appointment isn't until May 11th, but I was able to get in to a "training" ultrasound through a pregnancy crisis center here in Columbus. I think I talked about them before? Pregnancy Decision Health Care (or maybe it's Center?) Either way, I went to them with my son. I hesitated going to them again, because when I went with my son, they pushed their pro-life stuff on me. I was already planning on keeping my son, I told them that, but it was just a little much.

This time? They've been SO amazing and nice. The ultrasound tech Monday was amazing, and just really reassuring.

I was nervous at first, because they were trying to do an abdominal ultrasound first (And made me drink a TON of water so they could.) But all they could see with an abdominal was a sac. So she did a vaginal. Now, while they wanted a full bladder for an abdominal, they need an empty one for a vaginal. But apparently, I drank so much that when I peed, my bladder just filled right back up again.

But they were able to see stuff anyway :-)

Bad news? I'm measuring behind where they thought I would be. The tech said it happens all the time, since when you ovulate, it's just a guess. They're guessing I'm 10 days behind my original due date. Now, while I could see being behind my due date, I don't think I could be 10 days behind. That's just seems too much to me, and it means I got a positive test crazy early.But, it does at least explain why they couldn't see anything when I went to the ER, and why my levels were low at first. However, I'm not changing my dates *yet* I do believe I'm probably a little behind what they thought, but I'm wondering if the reasons my measurements were SO off was because my bladder was smushing my uterus :-)

We did see a heartbeat though! I know everyone speaks of seeing the babies heartbeat as such a magical thing, but with my son I didn't get why. I mean don't get me wrong, I thought seeing him on the ultrasound was fantastic, and I was VERY glad he had a heartbeat. But, I just never got to see a clear heartbeat with him. By the time I got into a ultrasound, I was further along, and he was moving SO much, it was just hard to see. Because the placenta was anterior, we had an issue hearing his heartbeat on the doppler, so I got a few extra ultrasounds to confirm that he still had a heartbeat. One time he moved SO much the doctor couldn't get a reading. She was laughing and said "Well, I can't find his heartbeat, but I know it has to have one, look at the little guy move!"

Anyway, this one was just so teeny tiny. It was just almost hard to fathom how small. And that made the heartbeat SO obvious, it was just really neat. I can't wait till May 11th, because I'm guessing the doctor will give me an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech at the place I went too said I could also call and she'd hook me up with another training ultrasound. I'm thinking trying to get in a little before 20 weeks to see if maybe they think they can tell the sex :-)

Anyway, Sprout's not much yet, but here is his/her first pictures! S/he's between the x's and like I said, teeny tiny!



Photobucket

Is this love, or just a crush?

I thought it was really sweet that Matt left me out of the whole Jarren thing to save me drama, but I almost wish he wouldn’t have. She was already pulling me in it.
I had told her I’d call her back to tell her what Matt had said. I never had any intention of doing so, but Jarren didn’t have any intention of waiting. Five minutes after I hung up with her, she texted me.

Jarren: What did he say?

I sighed, and texted her back: Not much, he said he didn’t want to talk about it.

Jarren: What a cop out. He broke up w/me, and now he’s acting like he’s the 1 hurting?

Me: Yeah, I dunno. He just said he didn’t want to talk about it, and I left it alone.

Jarren: R u sure there’s no1 else?

Me: I told you Jarren. I haven’t seen him with anyone. I’ve been busy with Seth though, but I think I would have noticed.

Jarren: Ur not just trying 2 protect him, r u? bcuz I was ur friend first Ella.

Me: I’m not taking sides.

Jarren: What does that mean?

Me: It means that if I had seen someone, I would have told you, but I’m not going to badmouth him and spy just because you two are fighting.

Jarren: Whatever.

I sighed, a little disgusted, and put down my phone. If this was how it was going to be, then I was just ready to tell her the real reason Matt broke up with her. I also wanted to tell her that it was my fault. Sure, she’d yell for awhile, but then she’d probably leave me alone. Still, the fact that Matt had gone through so much trouble to keep me out of it made me hold back. It surely would have been easier for him (and probably a little more fun) to break up with her if he had just told her the truth. He did it to help me out, so I felt like I couldn’t just turn around and tattle on myself.

I decided to leave my cell phone at home and go over to Toni’s to visit. Nick had told me the best time to catch her was in the morning, and it had been awhile since I had talked to her. I was hoping to get some advice on the Jarren thing, and to tell her about my amazing date with Seth last night.

I walked over, taking Cumulus with me. The kids had both had a sudden infatuation with dogs, and I wanted Cumulus to be around all different types of people, so I liked to take him over to play, especially since the house wasn’t such a danger zone anymore, with nails and tools scattered about. Parts of the house were still a mess, but since they had to box the kids into the safe zone, it was easy to box Cumulus in with them.

I was surprised when I knocked on the door and Drew answered. I knew he lived there, and every time I went over I always knew it was a possibility that he would be around, but it never failed that whenever I saw him, a shock ran through me.

“Hi.” He said.

“Hi.” I answered, brushing past him. “Toni here?”

“She’s upstairs.” He answered. My face must have shown my disappointment, because he continued “don’t worry, she’s awake, just laying down. Go on up. I’ll take the dog to play with the kids.”

“Thanks.” I said, smiling as I handed over the leash and heading for the stairs.

That was the most normal conversation I had had with Drew in… Well, a long time. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad when we went away together. Maybe things would finally be back to normal.

I bounded up the stairs two at a time, excited to finally be able to see Toni. It felt like it had been years since we talked, and while I was understanding of her situation, I still missed her and would take any time that I could get with her. I knocked on her door, and entered when she called to come in.

“Hey Momma, long time no see. What’s going on?” I said, setting down gently on the bed.

She smiled, and I could see the tired look on her face. “Not much. Sleeping or puking seems to be my life as of lately. How about you? Anything exciting going on?”

I hesitated for a moment, hating to come over and see her for the first time in a long while and just dump a bunch of crap on her. She noticed my hesitation, and laughed.

“Ella, I don’t really have anything to tell you. I can tell you’re dying to say something, so spill. Honestly, I’m just dying for some excitement.”

So spill I did. I told her about how I was out with Seth, and how I had caught Jarren with Grge, who she said she wasn’t going to see Greg anymore. I told her that I told Matt, and paused, waiting for her to chastise me for sticking my nose in someone elses business.

“I gotta say, Ella. I’m proud of you.”

“Really?” I asked, surprised.

“Yeah. I mean, I know normally you get involved when you shouldn’t, but I personally think you should have told Matt.”

“Yeah, well now I’m stuck, because Matt didn’t tell her why he was breaking up with her. He wanted to keep me out of it. But now she just keeps pestering me, and I just think maybe I am done. With her lying and using people. So now I almost want to tell her.”

“I think that’s a bad idea. I mean if you want to stop being her friend, you need to use your own reasons and cut her off. Why Matt broke up with her is between her and Matt, and if doesn’t want to tell her.” Toni shrugged. “That’s his business. But I do think you should break up with Jarren, so to speak. You know I’ve never liked her.”

“I know.” I said smiling. Toni has made her dislike for Jarren very clear over the years. Though, to be honest, Jarren’s not a Toni fan either.

“So what else is going on? How are you and Seth doing?” Toni asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, I don’t know if I’m going there with you.”

“Why not?” Toni asked. “I told you, I need some excitement…”

“Yeah well. I’m really happy in the relationship Toni. I think it’s in a good place and so far it’s only continued to get better, but you made your position on how you feel about him very clear. You keep pushing Drew on me, and that’s just not going to happen.”

She was quiet for a moment, and at first I thought I had made her angry.

“You know Ella, you’re right, and I’m sorry. I do want you and Drew together, I do think you’re perfect for each other. But I’ve continuously told you to mind your own business, and the whole time I wasn’t minding mine.”

“I didn’t mean it like that Toni, you know I appreciate your advice.”

“I know hon, and I’m not angry. Advice if one thing, but it is your life, and if you’re happy with Seth, well then. I should just be happy that you’re happy. I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just been so crazy lately with everything that’s been going on, and my hormones have been raging, and I’m honestly just so sick of myself it’s not even funny. At first, I didn’t want these babies, but felt like I had no other choice. Now I want them, but I desperately want my body back, I want to be normal again. And then I feel so horrible for saying that… Like it might make something bad happen…”

“Toni, I’ve never had kids, but I have to say that’s gotta be how some pregnant mom’s feel at one point or another. I mean I know how active you used to be, I know you’ve got to miss that. But you know in the end this is all worth it.”

“I do.” She agreed.

“I mean you can happy and grateful, but still think that some periods stink.”

She nodded, and went quiet for a moment, lost in her own thoughts. I thought about leaving, but when I made a move towards the door, she fixed her eyes on me, smiling.

“Don’t leave yet Ella! I feel like we haven’t seen each other in years. Now tell me, really, how’s it going with you and Seth?”

I eased back down into the bed, and launched back into the story of Jarren and Matt, only what happened before that, on the ferris wheel. I felt the same dreamy feelings come over me, and even though I knew I looked like an idiot, I couldn’t wipe the idiotic smile that seemed like a permanent fixture on my face. After I was finished, I saw Toni’s mouth moving, almost like she was chewing. I knew that’s what she did when she was trying to bite her tongue… She very literally bit her tongue to hold back.

“What is it?” I asked.

“No, I said I’d support you.” She said, shaking her head.

“Toni….”

“Alright, it’s just… You said you said it back even though you didn’t think you were ready.”

“I just meant that had you asked me yesterday if I loved Seth, I would have said I didn’t know. But it just came so naturally Toni. Like my heart already knew what my brain didn’t.”

Again, her mouth started moving.

“Toni…” I sighed. “Just quit holding back already. OK? You can say your piece but then you drop it. Sound fair?”

“Deal.” She said. “I just worry that maybe you think you’re in love with Seth because you think you should be in love with him. Because he hasn’t given you a reason not to be.”

I didn’t know how to respond, but true to our deal, Toni dropped it and changed the subject.

Matt's POV

I didn’t really know how I felt about things. I had started to date Jarren to see if Ella got jealous, but honestly, I ended up actually liking Jarren. I liked her so much, in fact, that when Ella told me that she didn’t trust Jarren, I chalked it up to jealousy, and wasn’t even the least bit excited that Ella was jealous. I wanted her to back off Jarren.

And now… Well. Now it turns out Ella wasn’t jealous, she was just right. I was out my girlfriend, and the girl I had a crush on. I felt sad for myself for a moment, and then it was straight back to anger.

It was bad enough to be cheated on, but why did she have to create so much drama while she did it? She obviously was either lying about Greg freaking out on her, or she was an idiot for hooking up with a guy who did. Either way, I was done. I picked up the phone to dial her number, but then decided better. I would do it face to face.

On the drive over to Jarren’s house, I thought about what to say. I didn’t want to get Ella in trouble. Ella didn’t seem like she still wanted to be friends with Jarren, but I knew through what Ella had told me, and hearing the story Jarren told me about Greg that she had a flair for the dramatic. I knew Ella’s life right now was dramatic enough, and I didn’t want to add to it.

I called Jarren when I was outside of her place. I should have called before I left, to make sure she was home, but I hadn’t thought of it. However, with how early it was… Well, if she wasn’t home, then she was still with Greg.

“Hello?” She answered, sounding a little groggy.

Good. She had just woken up. If Greg was still there, I could catch her in the act. If he wasn’t… Well, I would have to come up with another reason to break up with her.

“Hey. I um, need to talk to you.”

“OK.” She said. I heard her move around. “What’s up?”

“I’d rather do this in person. I’m right around the corner, can I come up?”

“Um… What’s this about?” She asked. She was sounding more awake. And more on edge. Was that because Greg was still there?

“I’ll tell you when I get there.” I said, abruptly hanging up the phone before she could protest.

Call me paranoid, but I waited a few minutes, watching to see if anyone left in a haste. Even though the proof Ella had given me was pretty solid, I guess I was just looking to see it with my own two eyes.

When nobody came out, I shook my head. I had to break up with Jarren. Just this whole stunt alone was turning me into one of those crazy boyfriends that I always rolled my eyes at. I’d just tell Jarren that I was experiencing trust issues, and that I didn’t think it was fair to her. It made my stomach roll a little that I wasn’t telling her what a crazy lying bitch she was, but again, I didn’t want to get Ella in trouble.

I walked to her door, knocking on it. After a few minutes, she answered, looking tired and disheveled and a little annoyed.

“How was your night last night?” I asked, sounding a little accusing. I couldn’t help myself. Part of me wondered if Greg had been here and just hadn’t left, and was now somewhere in her place, hiding until I left. Again, I shook my head to get rid of the paranoid thinking. It didn’t matter even if he was here, he could have her, I was done with her.

“It was fun.” She said, smiling slightly. I felt my blood boil. “I missed you though. I’m glad you came over, even if you did wake me up.” She said, while moving towards me. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and I had to gently untangle myself from them.

“Jarren, I came over here to talk.”

“OK.” She said, a worried look starting to cross her face. She sunk down to the couch. “What’s up?”

“Nothing… I just…” I wondered how exactly to go about this without just blurting it out, but I realized there really was no such way.

“You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?” She asked.

I didn’t say anything, just looked away. As mad as I was, this was still hard to do. Not being able to tell her the real reason, and then… Well, I liked Jarren. For the first time the anger wore off a little and was replaced by this feeling of hurt.

“I can’t believe you!” She yelled. “Why just out of the blue? Just the other day you were telling me how you’d protect me and how much you cared about me. Were you lying?”

“No… I just…” I shrugged. What was I supposed to say? You lied to me, so why does it matter if I’m lying to you?

“Is there someone else?”

I was quiet again. There was someone else, maybe not for me. But… For her.
She rose from the couch and started to pace. “Who is she? Do I know her?
How long has it been going on?”

“Nothings going on Jarren. I am not a cheater, I’ve never been a cheater. I don’t tolerate being cheated on so I wouldn’t do it back to someone. I’m just… I’m not feeling this like I was. I know it sudden and I’m sorry, but things change and I wanted to tell you so I didn’t lead you on.”

“Oh. Ooooh. Well, thank you SO much.” She said, her voice dripping in sarcasm. “I really appreciate not being lead on.”

“Jarren…” I started, not knowing how to finish that sentence. I had come here thinking I’d be so angry at her that I wouldn’t be able to keep the secret of what Ella had told me. But instead, I was feeling bad for her, sorry that I couldn’t tell the truth. Almost sorry that I was hurting her.

“Don’t. Don’t do me anymore favors other than getting the hell out of here. This is ridiculous Matt, and in a few days when you realize how stupid you’ve been, I won’t be here to take you back.”

“Alright then. Again, I’m sorry Jarren.” I said, walking towards the door.

“Sorry doesn’t really mean crap right now, Matt.” She said.

I turned to look at her, and then just nodded. I kept waiting for that anger to come back. I was half hoping Jarren would yell at me about how she cheated on me, so it didn’t matter, or how she had someone waiting in the wings anyway, so that I could get angry. But she didn’t. As I left her apartment, I wasn’t prepared for the sadness to hit me full force. Another failed relationship. Seriously, could I have done something to prevent it? Could I have been a little more controlling, spent more time with her so that she wouldn’t have had time to see Greg?

How come when someone hurts you, you spend a good chunk of time trying to either rationalize their behavior, or figure out some way that you’re to blame?

I drove home, and was glad to see that Seth’s car was gone when I pulled in. I’ll admit the guy was growing on me, and I wasn’t as jealous as I once was, but seeing his and Ella’s happy lovey-dovey routine right now just might make me vomit. I walked in and heard Ella on the phone. I followed the noise until I found her in the kitchen, watching out the back door as Cumulus ran around.

“So what reason did he give you? Really… No reason? You think there’s someone else… Why? Well. No, I haven’t seen him around anyone. I mean I have been with Seth a lot lately though… I don’t know.” She looked up at me with questions in her eyes. “Look, he’s home, so let me talk to him and see what I can find out. Alright. Bye.”

“Jarren?” I asked.

Ella nodded. “You said you’d talk to her. Not that you were going to break up with her!”

“What was I going to say Ella? I mean either she was going to deny where she was, or come up with some lame excuse. Besides, she knew I was at home last night, so how was I going to tell her where I saw her without busting you out?”

“You could have told on me. I don’t care. I knew that was a risk I was taking when I told you about her.”

“I know you don’t care Ella. And I do appreciate you telling me. I just didn’t want you to be dragged into the drama.”

She smiled, waving her phone at me. “She had to have called me the second you walked out of the door. Dragging me into the drama. With Jarren, you just can’t escape the drama.”

“I didn’t think about that. Sorry.” I said, sitting in a kitchen chair.

“Don’t be. I was just kidding. I appreciate you trying to protect me from her. She can be ten different types of crazy.”

“That’s what was so weird, El. I kept expecting her to pop out with ‘well it doesn’t matter anyway, because I cheated on you!’ or ‘I already have someone else lined up!’ But she never did.”

“That’s because then Jarren would have to admit that SHE did something wrong. She knows that if she told you, you’d tell me, and I’d probably get angry and go off on her and then she couldn’t play victim anymore. Jarren likes drama, but more than drama she likes attention, and she likes it best when everyone feels sorry for her and she can do no wrong. Right now you’re the bad guy. If she does decide to date Greg, she’s got an easy way to bring him in. ‘Oh yeah, he went crazy on me about Matt, but it’s only because he knew Matt was playing me. He’s been so good since the break up. Matt was a jerk, Greg was meant for me.’ Or some crap like that. She’s crazy, but she’s not stupid. She’s been playing these games for far too long.”

“You really think she’s that conniving?” I asked, surprised.

“I told you when you too started dating that she was four different kinds of rare nuts. She gets it from her Mom. Her mom seems like the sweetest person in the world, but she make sure she gets hers and gets taken care of, and she doesn’t care WHO she steps on to get it.”

“Jarren does come off as so nice… Even with her pulling the whole Greg thing… I dunno. I’m just having a hard time believing she’s so crazy.”

Ella shrugged. “Yeah. I get that a lot. Some people see right through her and stay away. Other people get some sort of inkling that something’s wrong, but they can’t quite put their finger on it. The first couple times… Well. I spent years making excuses for Jarren. She’s just young, she doesn’t know any better, she’s just hurt, her parents suck, and on and on. But honestly, I’ve seen her do it far too many times to far too many people to not believe it now. I know you’re sad Matt, but just be glad you got out.” She said, patting me on the back.

Sorry about yesterday guys

I hate complaining because I think it makes me seem like I'm ungrateful for what I have. I know I'm lucky, despite the poor circumstances I find myself in lately, but man, I'm having crazy mood swings. I dunno if I could even call them mood swings, because they don't change all that often. I get in one and it'll last at least the day, if not a few days.

Obviously, yesterday I was just pissed off at the world :-) It just seems like once you get pregnant, everyone feels the need to offer you advice/input. And then people tend to get angry if you don't take it. I just feel like either this time around, people are hitting earlier and harder than they ever did with my first... Or maybe I just didn't notice because it was my first and I had no clue what I was doing.

I can't wait to be normal again :-)

Whatever Wednesday: Just fucking annoyed.

I was sad about life for a little bit. Then I felt sorry for myself, and now... I think I'm just pissed off. And not really at life anymore... Things are starting to pick up a little. We found out we're getting food stamps. Which, is a little embarassing, because who wants to say "hey, I'm so broke I can't afford to feed my kid!" but really, feeding my child is all that matters right now, so I will take what I can get. We'll also be getting medicaid. They told us if my husband can't find a job, we'll qualify for cash assistance. Guess how much it is? A little over 400 dollars a month.

That wouldn't even cover my rent. So, now more than ever, I don't see how people can live off welfare alone. I mean, I guess they get in on section 8 housing or whatever, but the wait list for those are long. The wait list for everything is long. And it's like... It's a LOT of work getting all the paperwork together for the people. They almost want you to write over you soul. It's crazy. I am grateful for it.. I think with hubby's new job, plus the food stamps, we may be OK. I know a lot of people can't say that. But it is a lot of work just getting all this crap together, so it's frustrating when I hear someone knocking someone who's on assistance. I don't think anyone likes it. And from what we're being told, it's not even like it's enough money to live on - even if you cancel out the extras, we still wouldn't have enough for the basics.

So, I'm annoyed at that. And then I'm annoyed my Mother, who thinks that even though I'm 24 years old, married with a child, and living elsewhere, that she has a right to judge my life. She's mad because my husband lost his job and that I'm pregnant. Well, for starters, he didn't lose his job on purpose. Secondly, I was pregnant BEFORE he lost his job. He had a good job, he had good insurance, we thought it was good time to have our second. I seriously thinks she thinks I planned it like this. Which is funny, because NOTHING is going the way I wanted it too. I thought I could get all the baby gear I wanted, especially since we didn't have much to get, even though the stuff I want is more expensive. Nope, now I'm wondering if we'll be able to get anything at all. I was PLANNING on trying to find a doctor who would deliver me at the nice new hospital they built a few years ago, now I'm struggling to find a doctor who will take me at all! Why would I have done it like this? I wanted to be excited that I was pregnant, and now I'm just wondering if we're struggling THIS much with money NOW, and only have ONE, what's it gonna be like when the other comes?

But what am I supposed to do? Abort the baby I wanted because timing isn't perfect? I'm trying to be positive about this all: I tried for months to get pregnant. THIS is what I wanted. Woman would KILL to be in my shoes. But people just keep coming round to rain on my already crappy parade.

Then I have a friend who is driving me NUTS. She's just so damn judgmental and pushy with her opinions. First, she gets all worked up because she finds out hubby originally turned down the job that he later took. "He's not in a position to be turning down ANY jobs right now"

Well, the thing about the job is, it pays 9/hr. They called him at like, 6:30 the night before telling him he had to be there the next day at one, and he had to go buy steel toed boots. He had an appointment with the assistance people at 10 the next day, plus the temp agency wanted him in before that to get a copy of his diploma. Not to mention the place he's working? Clear across town. So originally, he thought he just wouldn't have time. He still needed to go buy steel toed boots as well. So he said no. But then he talked to me, and we decided together that money was money. So he went. But I do think he had valid reasons for saying no, and since she didn't KNOW what his reasons were, she should have shut up.

This was the same person who when I was cramping and talking about going to the ER told me pretty much that I was overreacting and I was fine. And it's like... She just doesn't get it. Honestly, I knew there was nothing they could do if I was miscarrying, but I was more worried about having an ectopic pregnancy, having it burst and kill me, or ruin my chances of having any more kids or whatever.

Then today she starts asking me if I still plan on loosing weight while I'm pregnant. I told her I needed to wait and ask my doctor, because some doctors will tell you absolutely not, while some doctors, if you're overweight enough, will tell you as long as you don't take it to the extreme, it's OK. I did tell her that I was planning on counting calories again, and that I was holding off on exercise until I had my first appointment, because the ER told me not to exercise.

Again, she goes off "exercising during pregnancy is GOOD for you, why would they tell you not to exercise, blah blah blah"

Well, because at the ER, I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage. Exercise can make things worse. So again, I am waiting for my DOCTOR to tell me it's OK. Not you. YOU ARE NOT A DOCTOR!!!!!

So then she asks me how my son is doing, and I tell her that I think he's hit his terrible twos. She's like "Oh he's testing you. So many parents fail the test. Don't fail the test!!!"

I hate taking advice from people who do not have kids. Granted, I am way more likely to listen if they have worked with kids, or have a god child they've been around since birth, or a niece.. Nephew. She's never really been around kids. So it's like. Really? Plus, I mean... It's just different when you have a child. There are things you said you'd do or never do, and when the baby comes, you quickly change your tune. For the most part, I don't let Cayden get away with whatever. But for some things? Well, it's just not worth it to have a screaming toddler on my hands. I think any mother will tell you, you pick your battles.

So then she asks me how I think Cayden will react when the baby comes. And I honestly have no clue. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. He loves other people, especially kids. He sees a baby, and he goes ape shit. "baby. Baby! baby!!!!" Pictures, on tv, in real life, it doesn't matter. So my original guess is he'd be OK.

But then I factor in some other things... Like how I'll be at the hospital for a few days. The longest my son has been away from me was 2 days, and that's when he was WAY younger (once he was a newborn - when I had my gallbladder removed, the second time, he was like 4 months) Now he goes to Grandma's once a week. He's ready to leave with her, but when he comes back, he's a TOTAL momma's boy.

On top of that, I won't be able to pick him up. And she answers that with "Well that's only for a few weeks" Um, hello? Have you ever been asked not to pick your child up for a few weeks? I think a few days would kill me. I LIKE holding my baby. Not to mention, he's only going to be a little over 2. He's not going to understand that Mommy left for a few days and now she's back and can't hold me. It's going to be hard.

She answered with "Well yeah, it'll be hard, but it's not like it'll psycologically damage him."

A.) While I highly doubt that it will, how do you know? I mean honestly, how do you have ANY idea how it will affect him at all? You don't, and I don't.
B.) You have a screaming toddler who missed his Mommy and all he wants to do is be held and YOU tell me it doesn't damage YOU.

I still cry whenever I think of Cayden when he had his surgery. He was terrified, these strange people in this strange place were taking him away. He cried and reached for me and I had to walk away. Yeah I knew it was for the best. Yeah, I knew he'd be coming back. I knew they would take care of him. But he didn't know that, and I knew he didn't know that. Just like now, I know I want to hold him. I know it'll only be a little bit before I can pick him up again. But he doesn't.

It just pissed me off to no end.

Then to top it all off, I have to see the in laws today, and THEY'RE pissing me off. They're on this new kick where they have to spend ALL DAY with Cayden. Seriously, ALL FUCKING DAY. It's like, they got so upset when we told them we couldn't come over there till 1 or 2 when he woke up from his nap. "That's not enough time!" WTF are you talking about? We're staying until it's bed time, 9 o'clock, are you SERIOUSLY telling me 7 fucking hours isn't enough time?

So we tell them they can come here. They can come first thing in the AM, and when Cayden naps, we can hang out, and then they'll have before and after to see him.

But noooo, he HAS to come to their house.

OK, then since he only naps at home, you'll have to wait until he's finished napping. Because a.) If he doesn't nap, you aren't going to want to spend time with him, and b.) If he doesn't nap, then he doesn't sleep well that night, and I'm not dealing with that.

But Jeremy agrees to wake him up early so he'll go down for a nap early, and we'll be there early. I'm annoyed, they're screwing with the kids sleep cycle, but whatever.

So we told them we'd be there by one. Then we find out we need to pick my sister up at work. We'll have to leave at 6:30 to go get her. That's still 5 1/2 hours. But of course, they cancel.

They would rather see him LESS Than once a month and spend the WHOLE day with him, rather than see him more often spending smaller (but still significant amount of time) chunks of time with him.

I hate them.

And that is my pessimistic rant on life. People piss me off.
OK- Obviously I did not post today, and I'm probably not going too. I'm sorry. It's like, I'm so off schedule, and I have no motivation to get back on. I know it sucks for you, and believe it or not, it's sucking for me. I like the blog, I want to keep it, I want to continue writing, but I just... Am lacking the motivation to do so.

It's not just the motivation either, it's the time. I'll feel like writing, but not be able too, because hubby is updating his resume or searching/applying for jobs, which is obviously a priority, and then when he's done, I'm just kinda like... Eh. And then everything with this pregnancy is hitting so much earlier than my last... The tiredness is here... The other day I woke up at 11, took a nap, and crashed out by 9:30. To top it all off, I think my son has gone insane, and I don't know what's wrong with him. He's just nuts. He's either breaking something, throwing a temper tantrum, or trying to kill himself (by falling, jumping off things, banging his head into something.) It's typical toddler behavior... Typical boy behavior from what I hear, but MAN it's trying. I'm hoping this is his terrible twos. Can I hope to be over them by the time the baby arrives?

Good news though, is that hubby is pretty sure he got a temp job through an agency. It is temporary, and it doesn't pay spectacular, but we're hoping it's enough to get us through until something better comes along. He also took a test for the census and did pretty well... Again, temporary, but the pay is great, so we're really hoping both jobs work out, he can do them together, and we'll be OK until something better comes around.

I think though, that I am going to take this week off, and try to write ahead, so that on days when my son is being nuts or I'm tired, I still have something to post. I'm just trying to get caught up so we don't have anymore breaks. Sorry guys.
Sorry guys, hubby was working on the computer on job stuff all morning and last night I wasn't feeling too hot. I'm hoping to get something posted later on today.

My stupid mouth has got me in trouble, I said too much again

To say I was angry was an understatement. I watched as Jarren hung on to Greg, flirting with a guy she had told Matt scared her only a few hours before hand. I made a move to go over to her, but Seth held me back.

“What are you doing El?”

“I’m gonna go over there and kick her ass!” I said, shrugging him off of me.

“Hey, wait. Hold on now, Ella…” I stopped, and turned around to look at him.

“What?”

“You don’t even know who she’s with… He could be just a friend.”

“You don’t flirt with friends like that, especially when you have a boyfriend.” I countered.

“Some girls are just more… Affectionate than others.”

“Yeah, right.” I scoffed. “Besides, I know who that is. It’s my ex, and it’s supposed to be her ex too.”

“What are you talking about?” Seth asked, confused.

I sighed, and glanced at where Greg and Jarren had been. Of course, they had moved on, and I had no idea where they went. I walked over to a bench and sat down, spilling the whole story to Seth.

“I went out with Greg, for like a minute. He was a nice guy, but it just wasn’t right. Anyway, then Jarren sprung it on me that she was dating him. That’s why we stopped talking the first time… Well, one of the reasons. She’s just kind of sleazy, and she does a lot of backhanded things…. I dunno, it’s a long story. I wasn’t angry that she was dating Greg, but she just kind of randomly invited me over and sprung it on me, I thought it was just kind of… Anyway, that’s not the point.” I said, seeing Seth’s confused face. “She dated Greg, but told me they broke up, and then she started dating Matt. She told me like a week ago that Greg came back and wanted to be friends. I told her it was a bad idea… I trust Greg but I don’t trust her. Anyway… Matt came home all pissed off today… I guess Jarren says Greg showed up yelling at her or something. She promised Matt she was done talking to him.”

“And clearly, she’s not.” Seth finished for me, looking over to where they had been standing. “What are you going to do?”

I shrugged. “I mean, I don’t really want to be involved. I know it’s just going to erupt into all this drama, and I don’t want to hurt Matt… But on the other hand, I do think Matt has a right to know. I’m just not sure he’ll believe me. I tried to tell him about Jarren earlier, and he got really upset. And I tried to warn him when they got together…”

“I think maybe you should just let it play out. I understand you don’t want Matt to get hurt, but it just sounds like he’ll be mad and not believe you if you tell him…”

“Yeah.” I said, looking off into the distance. “I’m sorry, the night went from really amazing to really horrible.”

“I still think it’s pretty amazing.” Seth said, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m still with you, aren’t I?”

I blushed. I know the line might sound a little cheesy, but it was one of the sweetest things a guy had ever said to me.

We were able to recover from the little road bump that was Jarren, and spent the rest of the night, eating various food from street vendors and playing random carnival games. Jarren was pushed out of my mind, at least until Seth left me to use the bathroom.

I looked up, and there was Jarren and Greg again. Again, close together, again, obviously flirting. Unable to help myself, I whipped out my cell phone and snapped a picture of them.

I looked at the picture, and thanks to my fancy phone, it was pretty clear. What was unclear, however, was what I was going to do with it.

‘You’re going to show it to Matt.’ A little voice inside my head whispered. ‘Now you have proof and he’ll have to believe you.’

No. I can’t. Seth was right, I needed to butt out and just let whatever was going to happen, happen.

‘But wouldn’t you want to know?’ The little voice nagged. ‘If it were you, wouldn’t you want a heads up?’

I honestly couldn’t answer that question. I mean I supposed I would want the truth, as much as it would hurt…

Seth came back then, breaking me out of my thoughts.

“Ready to go?” He asked.

“Yeah.” I answered, shoving my phone into my pocket.

Seth ended up spending the night, and let’s just say, the activities performed took my mind off of the Jarren situation… I slept soundly that night, wrapped up in Seth’s arms.

However, the next morning, I left Seth curled up in bed and crept into the kitchen to make him breakfast. I jumped about a mile in the air when I saw Matt sitting at the kitchen table, sipping a cup of coffee.

“Oh. Hey.” I said, trying to recover. “You’re up early.”

“Yeah. I crashed pretty early. I was going to go out but felt bad not going out with Jarren, so I stayed here and watched some movies. Fell asleep on the couch. Jarren’s got me domesticated I guess.” He said, smiling. I tried hard to hide my cringe. “You didn’t see me when you came in?”

“No, but I was with Seth.”

“Oooh, that explains it.” He said it in such a way, I had to blush.

I went about my business, cooking breakfast, making random small talk with Matt, but in my head, all I could think about was Jarren, and should I or shouldn’t I tell Matt what happened. It was an internal tug of war. I knew I should mind my own business, but I also knew that if I were in Matt’s shoes, I’d want to know.

“Hey… You’ve been at camp before… Have you ever been in a relationship while there? I mean, Jarren and I have been spending a lot of time together lately, and a week away at a time is a long time… I just wondered how you dealt with it.”

“Matt… About Jarren…” I said, removing the eggs from the burner and turning to face him.

“Ella, not this ‘Jarren is trouble’ bull again… I really like her, OK? Can’t you just be happy for me?”

“I am happy for you Matt, and I know you really like her, which is why… Why I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Jarren wouldn’t hurt me. We’ve had the conversation…”

“I saw Jarren with Greg last night, OK?” I blurted out.

“Ella, are you jealous or something? Why are you on this Jarren sucks kick? She was out with friends last night…”

“Matt, I’m not on a Jarren sucks kick. I didn’t even want to tell you, but I just don’t want you to find out five months down the road when you’re in love and picking out rings.”

“Ella…” Matt said, sighing and rubbing his face. “Maybe you just thought you saw her. Maybe it was someone who just looked like her.”

“Look, Matt. If you don’t believe me…” I opened the picture and slid my phone across the table.

He picked up the phone, and I could see the protest he was about to utter die on his lips. He mouth grew tight, his brow furrowed. He was pissed.

“Did they do anything?” He asked, his voice calm, but with an edge hiding underneath.

“I don’t know Matt. I didn’t follow them around… They were awfully flirty, but I didn’t see them kiss or anything. I mean, Matt, she may have not even cheated. I don’t know what she was there for. Maybe you should just talk to her.”

“It doesn’t matter whether or not she actually DID anything Ella. The fact of the matter is, she lied. She told me Greg was nuts, told me she wouldn’t see him anymore, told me she was going out with friends last night and all of that was a lie.” With each word Matt said, his voice rose. He was angry.

I shouldn’t have said anything.

“Matt maybe she was supposed to be out with friends and bumped into Greg and he apologized and they made up…” I attempted weakly. “Some girls are just more affectionate than others…”

Matt got up. “Thanks for cooking me breakfast Ella, but I’m not hungry. I’m going to call Jarren.”

With that, he left the room, slamming his bedroom behind him. That must have woke Seth up, because a few minutes later, he came shuffling in, wiping sleep from his eyes.

“What was that about?” He asked, sitting where Matt had been sitting. He eyed my phone, and picked it up to look at the picture. Sighing, he set it down. “You told him, huh?”

“I just thought if it were me, I’d want to know. But now…” I said sighing.
Why could I never seem to mind my own business?

Oh, look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone

Even though I had made my decision regarding Jarren, I was still paranoid that she was going to do something to screw over Matt. Every time they were around each other, every time I saw Jarren alone or Matt alone, I watched for… Well, I don’t know exactly WHAT I was looking for. Signs that Matt was stressed? Signs that Jarren was being sneaky and cheating on Matt?

Sure enough, about a week later, Matt came home and slammed the door. The house vibrated, and Cumulus, the huge baby he is, cowered and whimpered at my feet.

“What’s going on?” I called from the living room.

“That guy is a total jerk!” He yelled back.

“Who?” I asked, setting down the paperwork I was doing and walking out to meet him.

“Greg. Total tool.”

“You know about Greg?” I asked, confused.

“Yes, I know about Greg.” He answered, looking at me like I was crazy. “Jarren and I do talk, you know.”

“I know…” I said, trailing off and adding ‘but Jarren lies.’ In my head.

“She told me he was her ex. She told me how he broke up with her, but that he called and asked her to meet him and she felt bad for him so she went. They’ve been talking she said, but just because she felt bad for him. I guess he’s having some family issues. Anyway, she just called me to come over there… Apparently he showed up yelling and wouldn’t leave. She was scared… So I went over there to check it out… He was gone by the time I got there, lucky for him…”

“Really? Greg? Was yelling?” Matt looked at me like I was insane when I said that, but it just didn’t sound like the Greg I knew.

“Yeah, you should have seen Jarren when I showed up Ella, she was really upset… Crying and shaking. I’m tempted to go down to the club and see if I can catch him and beat the shit out of him.”

“That just doesn’t sound like Greg.” I said, and immediately Matt’s face changed from disbelief into anger.

“You knew that crack nut for what, five minutes? And how long have you known Jarren?”

“For awhile. But that’s my point, Matt. I know Jarren. I know how she acts, and she can…” I wanted to say lie, but I knew that wouldn’t sit well with Matt. “She can over-exaggerate and be a little… Dramatic.”

“You didn’t see her Ella, and if you had, you wouldn’t be saying this.”
Matt was getting defensive, and I knew me telling him about the Jarren I knew would do more harm than good. I decided to let that drop.

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m sure she was upset… I think you should just leave Greg alone. I mean it’s not worth it, you know? You even threaten him and he’ll probably file a report, and you’ll lose your job.”

“Yeah.” Matt said, running a hand over his face. “You’re right. He’s not worth it. Besides, Jarren promised me she was done with him, she was just trying to be nice and it bit her in the ass. She told him not to call, email, facebook, text, or come by. She threatened a civil stalking order so… I think he’ll take that seriously.”

“OK….” I trailed off. “So. You two hanging out tonight?”

“No. She’s got plans with some friends. A girl thing. I’m just gonna hang around the house, maybe go over and help Nick for a bit.”

“Alright. Well. I think maybe I’ll pop over there and say hi.” I said, leaving the house.

Part of me wanted to call Jarren to see if she would feed me a different story, but the majority of me just wanted to be left out of it. I decided to ask Toni what she though, even though I already knew she’d tell me to stay out of it. Toni and I hadn’t been spending a lot of time together lately… She had been heading up to her Mom’s a lot, for help with the kids and also to spend time with Nick during the week. I know she liked to play this whole independent woman game, but I knew she missed Nick when he was gone. On weekends, she usually either stayed with her Mom, or came back to view the progress on the house. She seemed a lot less stress, but still was tired most of the time. I spent a few minutes here and there with her, but she usually headed up to nap after a short bit.

Sure enough, when I arrived, Toni was holed up in her room, sleeping. I missed her, but also understood that her body was going through some major changes. I wish I could do more to help, but I had a lot on my plate right now. I was just glad the babies were due in the fall, when things tended to die down a bit, so I could help once they came.

“Hey.” I said, hugging Nick and giving Seth, who was helping out, a quick peck on the cheek. “Ew, you’re sweaty.” I laughed, wiping off my lips.

“Nice to see you too, sweets.” Seth said, smiling at me.

“You just missed her, El. She just went down for a nap.” Nick said, sympathetically. I think he knew I missed my friend.

“You guys need anything? Can I run and get you some food or something?” I said, picking up a hammer and hitting it gently against my palm.

“No, we’re good.”

“Oh.” I said, a little bummed. To be honest with you, I was bored. I had plenty of stuff I could be doing, but it was stuff that I felt like I had been working on for forever. Camp paperwork, and just… Work. I needed a break. A distraction.

Seth seemed to pick up on that. “I’m sorry sweetie, we’ve gotta get back to work. We’re hoping to get this floor in by the end of the day. But, you know, I’m free tonight if you are. I know it’s a little taboo to ask a girl out for that same night, but what do you say? Feel like breaking the rules?”

I smiled. “I dunno… I don’t want to seem easy…” I trailed off.

“What if I promise it’ll be a special one?” He asked, winking at me.

“Can I go buy a new dress?”

“You can do whatever you want.” He said laughing.

“Alright. What time should I be ready?”

He glanced over at Nick. “You think we’ll be done by five?”

Nick nodded.

“Alright. I’ll pick you up at seven then? Sound good?”

“OK. Let me know if you want me to pick you anything up while I’m out!” I said, kissing him on his sweaty cheek again and waving over my shoulder as I left.

I found the perfect dress at the mall, and even more perfectly, it was on sale. It stopped a few inches above my knee, was silk with a swirling pattern of greens, blues, and browns. The neck was a high one, wrapping around in a fake turtle neck type style, leaving my arms bare.

I didn’t know where we were going, but I knew this dress could double as a dressy dress, or a dressier casual dress. I was excited, Seth and I had been kind of… Off, since our fight. I don’t know if maybe I just felt weird around him because of the sudden influx of intense feelings, or if maybe we were just off.

I hurried home, soaking in the tub and spending extra time getting ready. I wanted to look good. I wanted it to be a good night. I wanted Seth to have a good time, to relax, and I was hoping we’d go back to how we were at his Grandpop’s house, I was hoping that our fight hadn’t made everything weird, and that it was all in my head. I decided that I was falling in love with Seth, and while that was scary… Well, I didn’t want to use fear as a reason to ruin everything. It was what I had yelled at Seth for doing, and now I was making things weird because I was scared of all the feelings I was having.

Tonight was going to be a good night, I was sure of it.

Seth showed up, dressed up in a shirt and tie and looking better than I had ever seen him. Suddenly, I was reminded all over again just how good looking he was, and became shy. He beamed when he saw me though, gushing over and over about how good I looked.

He took me to a fancy restaurant where we ate great food, and surprisingly, the conversation flowed easily. We talked about Chloe for a moment, but sensing his sadness in the conversation, I quickly changed the subject.

After we finished, we decided to head over to a street carnival we had passed on our way to the restaurant. Seth persuaded me to ride the ferris wheel.

“You don’t think I’m over dressed?” I joked as I climbed on.

“Just don’t let anyone see up your skirt.” He replied, winking at me.

We were stopped at the top, and I was a little more than nervous. Heights weren’t my thing, and the wind had picked up a little, making the seats rock back and forth.

“Hey…” Seth said, noticing my white knuckle grip on the safety bar. “Look at me.”

My eyes were shut tight. If I couldn’t see how high we were, then we really weren’t that high, were we? “Uh uh.”

“C’mon Ella. It’s gorgeous up here. Take a look around.”

I pried one eye open, and sure enough, he was right. The street fair was lit up below, and in the distance you could see the skyline of downtown, which I always found gorgeous. Seth gently snaked an arm around me, pulling me close to him.

“It’s almost as gorgeous as you.” He said, kissing the side of my head.

“Oh stop…” I teased, but secretly eating it up.

“I’m serious Ella. You are one of the most gorgeous people I’ve ever met. Inside and out… I love you.”

My heart stopped beating for what felt like a full minute, and even though I didn’t think I was ready to say it, “I love you too” slipped out of my mouth.
He leaned down and kissed me, and even when we got off the ferris wheel, I still felt about a mile high in the air. Tonight was such a perfect night, and I felt like I was walking on clouds, barely able to see or hear anyone but Seth.

Unfortunately I was able to hear Seth when he said “Hey, over there, isn’t that Jarren?”

Sure enough it was. And the guy she was with? Was certainly not Matt.

Whatever Wednesday: So over it

I was going to do a regular post this Whatever Wednesday, but I am totally lacking the motivation to do so. It's getting harder to write for a couple of reasons: My hubby is job hunting, and is usually on the computer, tweaking his resume, looking for jobs, responding to jobs, filling out applications, ect. Obviously, that's more important than me writing the blog, but it get's tricky, because usually I like to write when my son isn't around to distract me, which is also when hubby likes to do things. I miss my laptop.

Then, there's the pregnancy brain. I'm finding all my symptoms of pregnancy are hitting me a lot earlier than they ever did with my son. I'm already getting the weird dreams, already exhausted, and already so freaking scatter brained! I seriously went in to the kitchen last night to get something my husband asked me to grab him, and by the time I got in there I had forgotten what he wanted.

To top it all off, I FINALLY got through to the OBGYN, and FINALLY made an appointment. It's not till May 11th, which is a little further down the road than I would like, but I've decided I need to stop freaking out over every little twinge my body has and just go with it. I kinda liked that it was so far out there, because they speculated that I might be earlier in the pregnancy than they thought, and that's why they couldn't see anything on ultrasound at the ER. But, even if I'm earlier than thought, at that appointment they should see SOMETHING. If they don't, I'll know the pregnancy is over, and while that will suck, at least I'll know.

Well. I made the appointment and looked at my discharge papers from the hospital. They wanted me in to see the OB within 3-5 days. Obviously, May 11th is NOT within 3-5 days. Crap. So I called the OB clinic back to see what they wanted me to do.

Of course, they ordered ANOTHER blood test. If it rises, again, I can wait till the 11th, if it doesn't... Well.

So of course, now I am BACK on the waiting train. Luckily, this time, I only have to wait till tomorrow to get blood drawn, but I dunno if I'll wait for the results this time to get them the same day, I may just wait till Friday. It may sound horrible, but I'm just so over all these tests. I mean it's one thing if they were testing to PREVENT something, or TREAT something, but this is just to see if the baby is going to make it. And they can't really do anything this early to try to prevent a miscarriage, so it's kinda like... All this stress, all this worry... It's not worth it. If I'm going to lose the baby, I'm going to lose it, and it doesn't matter how many tests they give me. Don't get me wrong, I want this baby, and if they told me that I could have a happy and healthy baby if I cut off one of my toes, I would do it. I would do just about anything. But that's not what they're saying.

I just really hope we catch a break soon. It's hard to be optimistic when everything is looking gloomy.

BUT, on a lighter note... Well. I dunno, lol. I got nothing.

Chloe's POV:

The cancer diagnosis had been a shocker, for obvious reasons. Nobody wants to be told that their body is being taken over by this horrible invader. Nobody wants to know that they have a risk of dying. Nobody wants to be sick.

But, it has it’s rare perks. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t sign up to get cancer just to get these “perks”, but… I try to look for the silver lining in things. And one of those silver lining in cancer, is the attention. You can pretty much get anyone to do anything for you, just because they feel bad.

However, that can also stab you in the ass. Sometimes I want to be left alone, or I want to do things by myself, and people don’t think that I can be. My Mom, bless her heart, is constantly looking at me like I might break. My Dad, unable to save me from this, has gone into a shell, fixing everything in the house that he can actually fix, and even ‘fixing’ a few things that weren’t broken. Ian and Seth have been great, worried, but still the perfect amount of support. Still, it wasn’t always easy. Some of my friends freaked out, unable to deal, and quit talking to me. I had been dating someone I really liked when I got my diagnosis, and he is now long gone, telling me that he thought it was unfair to stick around because he didn’t think he could offer the support I needed.

At first, I’ll admit, I was sad. It was a lot to deal with. First cancer was threatening to take away my life, and now it was taking away the relationships I had in whatever time I had left. Now I realized that in a way, I was lucky to see who my true friends were.

Still, it was kind of tough seeing Seth with Ella. He was happy, and he deserved that, but all over again I wondered why it wasn’t me that was happy. Didn’t I deserve it too? I tried not to feel sorry for myself or throw myself a pity party, but I was so young going through so much…

I shook my head, shaking it off. I was just glad Seth had someone in his life. I was glad she was so nice. I was glad that when she found out about me, never once did she look at me with pity.

It still seemed like everyone around me had someone. Would this whole process be easier or harder if I was in love?

Who knew? It might just be one more person I had to leave behind.
I finally decided I had spent enough time, alone, holed up in my room, and knew that I was headed into the depressed zone. I forced myself to head downstairs, even though I didn’t really want to be around other people.

“Hey.” I said, surprised to find Seth camped out on the couch. “Why are you here?”

“Uh, I live here?” He answered, not looking away from whatever game he was watching.

“I thought you’d be with Ella.” I said, plopping down next to him, not waiting for him to move his feet.

“Ouch, get off me.” He said, struggling to get up.

“I’m not THAT heavy, ya baby.” I answered back. “Now why aren’t you with Ella? I thought since you spent the night there last night that you two made up?”

“We did make up.” He said, sounding slightly annoyed. “I like her, but I don’t need to spend every waking moment with her. Besides, I haven’t been home in awhile. I wanted to hang out with you.”

“Oh yeah. We always hang out while you watch stupid basketball games. Isn’t March Madness over? Why are you still watching this?”

“I recorded it. I missed it.”

“Don’t you already know the outcome?”

“Yes. But I heard it’s a good game and I wanted to actually see it.” Again, annoyance tinged his voice. I know normally this might hurt someone’s feelings, but again, I was glad Seth was annoyed with me. It showed he was treating me just like a little sister who could get on one’s nerves sometimes.

“Well pause it and spend time with me.” I mock-whined. “I wanna hear about Ella.”

“There’s nothing to say.” He said, but he gave up and turned his game off with a sigh.

“Did you guys make up last night?”

“Yes. That’s why I didn’t come home.”

“So everything’s OK?”

“Yes, Chloe, for the hundredth time, everything is fine.” He paused for a second. “How are you doing? Feeling OK?”

I hated that question, but it came up so often. “Yeah, I’m feeling fine… Kind of restless though.”

“You go out at all today?”

“Nope, been kinda tired.”

“Wanna go for a walk?” Seth asked.

“Not really.” I said. I didn’t want to tell Seth that I was still feeling tired, otherwise he would worry. “Wanna go sit on the porch swing?” I asked, hoping that would be a good substitute.

“Sounds good.”

I grabbed my snuggie and wrapped my bald head in a scarf. It was spring, and warming up, but you couldn’t imagine how cold your head got until you no longer had hair covering it. Seth was already on the swing, having grabbed a beer on the way out of the house.

“So.” I said, plopping down and wrapping my snuggie around me. “What’s going on with you and Ella?”

“What is with your obsession with us?” His voice was light and joking, but I could hear some defense underneath.

“I don’t know.” I answered honestly, shrugging. “Just living vicariously, since I’m never going to have another real relationship.”

“Oh Chloe, stop it.” Seth answered.

“Contrary to popular belief Seth, bald is not beautiful.” I joked.

He was quiet for a moment, looking out over the yard. “You know I don’t like it when you get all pessimistic Chloe.”

“It was a joke, Seth. Lighten up.” Now my voice was guarded, annoyed.

“How are you really feeling?” He asked, looking at me. I knew there was no point in trying to lie to him.

“I’m tired.” I admitted. “Physically and emotionally, I’m just tired. Tired of feeling like crap, tired of being in hospitals, tired of people looking at me and wondering how I’m feeling… I’m tired of not being able to go out, I’m tired of sleeping all the time, I’m tired of head wraps and blankets and being cold all the time… I’m just done with the whole situation. Everyone’s expecting me to be this fighter Seth, and I want to be, but I’m just so tired.”

“I know you are Chloe.” He said, wrapping an arm around me. “I just wish I could do the fighting for you.”

We were both quiet for a moment, and I know that we were both thinking about my death. Would it be soon? Or, despite how tired I was lately, would I continue to fight, and make it out of this OK? I had no idea. Some days, I was so fired up, so sure I could beat this thing. Cancer wouldn’t bring me down, I’d end up being OK. Other days… Well, other days I could die right then and there, and I’d be happy. I was so over everything, I just wanted it to be over, whether that meant I beat the cancer or if it beat me.

“Let’s talk about something happier.” I said.

“Like what?” Seth said, cautiously.

“Like our trip to Grandpop’s house. Are you excited?”

Seth didn’t answer, just shrugged his shoulders. I took his lack of excitement to be from worrying about me, and I hated the fact that his worry could possibly ruin the trip.

“C’mon Seth, don’t be sad. The trip could do me a lot of good. Maybe being in the fresh air will help, give me a new mind-set, ya know? And they say laughter is the best medicine, I know we’re going to have tons of fun and lots of laughing.”

“Yeah.” He hesitated, and looked like he was about to say something, and then changed his mind.

Again, I blamed the crappy situation we were in. More than being sick, I hated the fact that I had pulled my family into all of this. I hated the fact that the worried over me. Even when I thought of death, I wasn’t sad or scared for me. By this point, I had accepted that death may just be it for me. But, I worried about leaving my family behind. Worried about what would happen to them, worried that they would hurt and miss me.

Though, instead of dwelling on death, I decided to blab on and on about my plans for Grandpops house, and chose to ignore the nagging feeling I had that Seth was not listening to me.

New Post Below!

Sorry it was so late. I had planned on getting it up MUCH earlier in the day, but it was a bit of a struggle to write it. I've been out of the loop for so long, and have so much other stuff on the brain, it might take me a few entries to get back into the swing of things.

I called the nurse this morning, she was not very helpful. Honestly, I wish I would have just skipped going to the ER all together. There's not much they can do in early pregnancy to stop a miscarriage anyway, so really all it seems I did was manage to freak myself out about every little thing.

I called the nurse this morning with my levels. She said "You were at 452 and now you're at 809. Huh. So you're rising, but not quickly-quickly."

Needless to say, that didn't make me feel a whole lot better. I was feeling awesome, until she said that. However, they didn't order another blood test. And- get this- you have to call another place to schedule your appointment with them. It takes the up to 7!!! business days to call you back. TO SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT!!!!

So apparently, since they didn't order another test, and aren't trying to get me in sooner, I'm taking it as they don't think things are too serious. Honestly, I don't think I'm miscarrying, but I'm more worried about an ectopic pregnancy (where the baby implants somewhere other than your uterus.) Cramps are a warning sign, so is dizzyness, and slow rising numbers can also be an indicator. However, I don't have stabbing pains as described... I dunno, there's just SO much that CAN go wrong, and since I know so much more this pregnancy, I'm obsessing over EVERY LITTLE THING.

I was thinking about taking more time off, but honestly, right now? I NEED a distraction. I can't promise it'll be my best writing, and I can't promise it'll be on time as normal, but I am trying to stick to the Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday posting as normal.

I did manage to snag an ultrasound in two weeks though. The pregnancy decision health care I went too gives training ultrasounds, so Monday the 26th I'll be getting one. I'm praying to see a heartbeat so I can hopefully relax.

Nothin' 'bout love is less than confusing, you can win when you're losing..

I couldn’t figure out if I was mad, or if depressed was the better word for it. I had gotten in trouble with Drew for not being honest about the whole Jason deal, and Seth himself had asked me to be honest with him. I was honest and it had gotten me in trouble… Now where were we? Were we breaking up? Was it just a fight?

Honesty sucked.

I sat on the couch, pouting, going back and forth between mentally kicking myself and mentally kicking Seth. I mean did I even want to be with someone who said they wanted me to be honest and then got angry when I was? Didn’t that mean he was the one who was lying? That he didn’t want me to be honest at all? How could such a dumb little fight ruin everything?

Isn’t that always how it ended? I mean, look at Drew and I. A dumb little fight over someone I had slept with before I even started dating Drew had ruined us.

I decided just to forget about the whole thing. Seth needed to call and apologize, and if he didn’t… Well, I was done. I was so tired of dwelling on things that weren’t my fault, and this wasn’t my fault. Seth had asked for honesty. It wasn’t my fault that he couldn’t handle the truth.

I got up off the couch and went to the kitchen, letting Cumulus out the back door. Then I rummaged through the kitchen, looking for something to eat. I heard a knock on the front door, and was slightly confused. Had Matt forgotten his keys?

I peeked through the window, and there stood Seth. My heart did a flip, and I was surprised to see how relieved I felt to see him.

“Hi.” I said, opening the door. “Forget something?” I said, leaning up against the door casually. I was relieved to see him, but still a little hurt and pissed off. I wanted an apology.

“Yeah.” He said, sheepishly running his hand through his hair. “Look, I’m sorry about earlier… I thought I was right, but then I talked to Chloe and she made me see that really I was just being stupid. I just… I like you a lot Ella. I know it sounds like a cop out, but it scares me a little.”

“It does sound like a cop out. ‘I’m going to tell you to be honest and then get mad and run away when you do because I like you so much it scares me’?”

He smiled. “Well… When you put it like that…”

“Look Seth, the thing is, I don’t know where this thing is going to go. I know that I like you a lot, but I can’t predict the future, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t make any promises. I might hurt you, you might hurt me, or we could end up married with kids and sixty years down the road still be together. I don’t know. But I’m so sick of guys telling me that they like me or love me and then turn around and bolt. It makes absolutely no sense. If you like me so much, I should be worth sticking around for, whether or not we’re fighting, whether or not you like what I have to say. I understand there’s a risk involved, you might get hurt. But if you like me so much, that risk should be worth it. And if it’s not, then you can just leave now.”

He was quiet for a moment, his blue eyes searching my face for something. I held my breath, I had meant what I said. If he was just going to leave, he could leave now. But still, I didn’t want him to leave.

He reached up with his hand and stroked my face. “You really think we could still be together in sixty years?” He said, quietly, smiling a shy grin.

I shrugged, and smiled back. “Maybe. Will you still like me when I’m all wrinkly?”

“Well… I dunno about that.” He teased.

I gently slapped him and faked insult, to which he answered by pulling me close to him and kissing me.

“I’m sorry I got so upset. It was jealousy. You and Drew have a history, a long one. I realize that doesn’t go away over night… But I also don’t like it. I feel like I’d feel better if I got to know him better. Maybe we could double sometime? You know, him and Christi, me and you?”

I pulled away a little, surprised. “I mean, we’ll be spending time together, at your Grandpop’s house. Can’t you get to know him then?”

Seth shrugged. “You’re not really comfortable with us being around each other, are you?”

“No, that’s not it.” I said, turning around to walk into the house. Seth followed.

“Then what is it?”

I sighed. “I’m just not comfortable being around him. We used to be best friends, and then dating… It just destroyed everything. It’s so weird now. All we do is fight.”

“You guys seemed OK earlier.”

“Yeah well… We play nice.” I said, shrugging.

“Do you not want to go to Grandpop’s with them?” He asked.

“Not really. But, I don’t really have a good excuse not too.”

“The fact that you don’t want to go is a good enough reason.” He answered, laughing slightly.

“I know, but I don’t want to drag you guys into our drama. And Chloe’s finally feeling better, she deserves a break… I don’t know. Maybe the trip will be good for us. Maybe being forced to be together will help us go back to how we were.”

“You miss him?” He posed it as a question, but I knew it was more of a statement.

“Yeah, I do. He and Jason were such a big part of my life for so long. First I lost Jason, and we’re just starting to be OK. And now Drew… I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel like we’ll ever be OK again. He was my go to guy, ya know?”

“I can be your go to guy.” Seth said, a tad of jealousy seeping into his voice.

“And you are.” I said, smiling at him. “It’s just, a guy best friend is a good thing to have. If we’re having issues I can go to him and he can decode guy speak for me. He can tell me if I’m over reacting.” I paused, shrugging. “It was just a nice thing to have.”

He nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” I answered quietly.

Seth and I ate an unhealthy dinner, and I realized that since my life had calmed down, I wasn’t eating right, nor exercising like I should. I didn’t obsess over the scale, but I could tell I was gaining, and while a few pounds didn’t matter, I made a mental note to fit in some running time so a few pounds wouldn’t turn into ten or twenty.

We didn’t end up having sex that night, which I’ll admit, was kind of nice. Instead, we curled up in bed, watching old re-runs of I Love Lucy until we passed out. I was starting to feel like Seth and I were a real couple, not just dating, not just having sex, but like we were together.

The next morning, I left Seth sleeping on the bed while I hopped in the shower. He woke up as I was getting out, and after a quick peck on the cheek, got into the shower himself. We got ready side by side, and for the first time I got this weird feeling… I’m not sure if I’d call it déjà-vu, but it’s almost like a got a glimpse of the future. I could see us doing this in ten years, the only difference is there would (hopefully) be kids to wake up and get ready for school. I had never really been able to picture a future with someone so clearly… Maybe because I never really had too. With both Jason and Drew… They were just there. And with Jacob… Well, we were always so busy dealing with one issue after the other that I didn’t really have time to think of the future. With Seth is shocked and scared me.

However, I found myself daydreaming throughout the day of wedding dresses and baby names, and even caught myself doodling his last name with my first during a meeting. Misty saw me do it, and smiled a wide smile.

“I better get invited to the wedding.” She whispered to me. I couldn’t help but blush.

Did normal girls think like this? Hell, less than twenty four hours ago we were fighting, and I was wondering if we were going to make it, and now I was picking out china patterns?

I was both a little bummed and a little relieved when Seth told me he couldn’t hang out that night. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, but with all the feelings swirling around in my head, I just wanted some alone time to try to figure it out, or at least adjust to it all. I was looking forward to going home, watching mindless reality tv, and eating ice cream for dinner. (I know what I said about my diet. It starts tomorrow, I promise!)

Unfortunately, when I arrived home, I found my couch already occupied by Matt and Jarren. I pouted for a moment, but then realized some time with other people might also take my mind off of the many conflicting emotions I had about Seth.

Luckily, they agreed to watching bad reality TV with me, but Matt was against the ice cream for dinner idea. After a few moments of arguing, we finally agreed on Chinese. We placed our orders, and shortly thereafter, Matt left to go pick it up, giving Jarren and I our first alone time in awhile. For a split second, I contemplated confiding in her about Seth, but before I could decide whether or not this was a good idea, she took over the conversation.

“Matt is great, isn’t he? So cute. I’m so glad we both have someone for once. Seth seems nice.”

“Yeah, he is…” I was going to continue, tell her about the flash forward I had this morning, but she quickly spoke.

“You know who called me the other day though?”

“Who?”

“Greg.”

I was surprised. “I thought you two split?”

“We did. I have no idea why he called. He said he wanted to be friends. He asked me to come see his show at the club.”

“Are you going to go?” I asked, after a moment’s hesitation. Jarren and I were still on thin ice. I didn’t want her to feel as if I was controlling her, but Matt was my friend, and I wanted to protect him.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean he said friends, and I can always use friends. Not a slam towards you, but you’re so busy these days with Toni and work and all that…”

“Did you talk to Matt about it at all?”

“Why would I?” She asked, looking away from me. “I don’t want him to think I’m just trying to make him jealous. Besides, if all I am is just friends with Greg, what’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is he may feel like you’re hiding something from him.”

She was quiet for a moment. “Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know, I still don’t know if I’ll meet him. I told him I’d get back to him on it.”

She quickly switched topics after that, probably because she didn’t find approval from me. I didn’t know how I felt about the whole thing, whether I should mind my own business, or mention something to Matt.

I decided since I didn’t know what Jarren was going to do, to keep the information to myself. But, I did not have a good feeling about it…

OK- Let's talk HCG levels

HCG (which stands for something, but off the top of my head, I couldn't tell you what) is one of the hormones your body produces when you're pregnant. It's what makes that second line pop up on that pregnancy test (after you've had a certain amount build up in your system.) The better the pregnancy test is, the lower amount of HCG it can detect (which is why usually more expensive tests tend to be "better" in the sense that they are more sensitive and you can test earlier.)

Anyway, every 48-72 hours your HCG level is supposed to double, I believe it peaks around the 9-10 week mark (don't quote me. I'm not an expert but have done TONS of research these last couple of days.) That's why I had to go in for the second test, my first level was at 452, which they thought was a little low (but further research there's such a wide range of "normal": at 5 weeks pregnant you can be normal at 17, or normal at 7,000!) They sent me back in today to see if it had doubled or at least risen significantly.

Well, it didn't double, but it almost did. I'm now at 809. While I still need to talk to the doctor in the AM, I'm already considering that to be good news (and hoping they do too!) It should double again in another 48-72 hours, putting me near that magic 1500 mark (where your levels need to be at to see the baby.) I'm hoping that they'll want me to come in for an ultrasound them, to make sure things are still OK. I always feel better after I see the baby, and while I know my levels were too low to see a baby when I was in the ER, I still don't like the fact that I couldn't see anything (though from my baby book I got, things happen SO rapidly. One day nothing's there, next day baby's there with arms and legs! OK, maybe not THAT fast, but pretty quickly when you consider just how complicated the human body is!)

I'm sorry I've been so scatter brained lately. I know, you guys have been NOTHING but supportive, but I want you to know just how much I appreciate that. I'm hoping to have a new post up tomorrow, it may not be on time, but hopefully tomorrow, and then be back on schedule for the whole thing.

Keep praying though! It makes me feel better :-)

Prayers needed, again

This has just been a really craptastical week and I wish I could fast forward to Monday (I know, usually nobody wants Monday to come, but I'm waiting on it.)

I've been cramping this whole pregnancy. I know, everyone says it's normal in early pregnancy, the uterus is stretching and making room for baby, but I never had it with my first and it made me nervous. Still, I told myself that maybe it was more severe because this was my second or something, and I ignored it.

Well, last night it was pretty bad. And when it spread to my back, I decided to go into the ER to have them check me out. I thought it would put my mind at ease, and now...

The good news is they gave me a pelvic and saw no blood. The bad news is, my hgc levels are lower than they'd like (452) and when they gave me an ultrasound, they couldn't see the baby (which, isn't a total shocker, because my HGC levels have to be at 1500 before they can see a baby.) HCG is supposed to double every 48-72 hours, so they're sending me in Sunday to get blood drawn. If they double, or rise significantly, that means that I'm probably earlier along in my pregnancy than they thought. If they don't, it means we're losing the baby.

Please, you guys, please pray for us. I know the timing isn't right for a baby, but I don't want to lose this one, and I'm just so scared.

Let's talk baby talk

OK, my Father in law had a heart cath last night and they placed another stent. Tomorrow he's going back into surgery for a pacemaker. Praying everything goes OK, but also as previously stated, just fed up with the whole situation.

My husband has a job interview tomorrow, so PLEASE, pray, keep your fingers crossed, chant, do whatever you do to hope that he gets it. I'm starting to get a little nervous.

I've decided to just take the rest of the week off and I hope to have things up and running again by Monday. I don't know how this pregnancy is going to effect me... Right now it's totally different from my sons (it's hitting me a lot harder and a lot earlier than his ever did.) But I also do not want to close down the blog. I know you guys have said it, and I've said it too, family & health come first, but I do love this blog. It may just be touch and go for a little bit until we get into the groove of things.

There will be a HUGE break when the baby is born, obviously. With a c-section I'll be in the hospital for 5 days, and then getting home and recovering and having a newborn and a toddler... It'll be interesting enough, so I'm not even going to think about the blog (I'm assuming I make it that far in the pregnancy. I have no reason not to think so, but I'm always REALLY nervous in the beginning)

I'm toying around with a few ideas... Maybe get a stand in blogger for that period of time and have them take the story from someone else's point of view? I don't know. We shall see.

As for other things... I went to Pregnancy Decision Health Care today, and I got my confirmed positive pregnancy. They told me as well that they could do a training ultrasound for me within the next week and a half (they want me to be around 7 weeks) I always feel so much better after I see the Little Sprout... So. Tomorrow we go in to apply for Medicaid, and I'm hoping to be able to keep the OB appointment I made for the 19th, but I may have to push it back. We'll see.

So. Expect an update monday :-)

Update:

I was going to respond in comments to all you guys, but figured I'd just make a new post.

My FIL is having another heart cath right now. I just don't have a very good feeling about this one. I feel like his first one was a warning, one he didn't take, and now... I dunno. I guess last night he said his heart rate dropped to 42? Which is crazy low. My Mom says they may put in a pacemaker, and Jeremy says they're going in to see if a stent slipped.

Overall, I am frustrated. I know it makes me sound like a huge brat, but I'm really resenting the fact that they're relying on us so much for everything. I mean they don't know yet that Jeremy lost his job, so for all his Mom knows, Jer is taking the day off work (and they do know he was out of vacation time, so it's unpaid) and she seems to not feel bad about it at all, or even greatful. She also knows that he was home yesterday and yelled at him for telling her that he had errands to run, even though she wasn't planning on going to the hospital, she just wanted him to be "on call" in case anything happened. (One of the errands we HAD to do- we had to put our gym membership on hold by yesterday or we'd be charged another month.)

I mean, again, I know it makes me sound like a huge, whiney brat. I can try to chalk it up to hormones or just general life sucks right now, and it's partly that, but it's also something more.

Like my MIL didn't want my husband to run two errands yesterday (one was faxing something to unemployment to see if he qualifies, the other was putting the gym on hold. Both needed to be done and would take 10 minutes each.) but yet they found out today that my FIL was scheduled to have his procedure at 2. She called and told us this at 11:40. She still was not ready to go, wanted to be picked up at 12:30. She wanted to eat (which for MIL does not mean quickly grabbing drive thru and eating on the way, not to mention my in laws eat sooooo slowly... They do everything slowly...) She wanted to deposit their tax check (which didn't need to be done) and she wanted to swing by home depot to pay their credit card bill... Which wasn't even due till the 17th!

So my husbands two errands yesterday needed to wait, even though nothing was going on and they had a time line that needed to be done that day, but a bill that isn't due till the 17th needs to be paid today when your husband has a procedure in an hour and a half????

Jeremy got called for an open house tonight. He could have been interviewing, might have even had a job! Now he had to wait, till hopefully tomorrow, until MIL calls and has a billion errands to run.

I mean I get it. They don't know he's out of work. But still it irks me that she doesn't seem the least bit apologetic thinking he has taken two days off work without pay when he has a child at home and a baby on the way.

Not to mention we just had to drive to the hospital last night just to pick up FIL's wallet because MIL said it would get stolen. He had nothing in there, but she was like "His patrol ID is in there!"

He used to give driving tests. Who the hell wants a retired driving tester's ID?

And this is where I'm going to sound REALLY horrible: How many times is our life going to be interrupted because he won't take care of himself? I would be TOTALLY understanding if he was trying to take off the weight and was still having issues. And I do commend him for at least going to his exercising. But stuffing your face after with cheesy bacon fries? Is freaking counter productive. And it NEVER fails every time we see them they talk about how much better they're doing eating, and then I proceed to watch them order a whole pizza and scarf it down, or get extra icing on cinnamin rolls, or order a baked potato with lots and lots and lots of REAL butter.

Oh, but hold the salt! And then I get lectured on how much salt I use. Because you're right, cut out your salt, but just inject that butter into your veins!


Ugh. Sorry. I mean I do pray that this is good news. But it's kinda like... You buy someone a new car. They don't take care of it, it breaks. How many times are you gonna have it fixed before you just say fuck it?

The insurance: I wish I could live in Canada. I actually told hubby I wanted to move there. But alas, he says no, and my Mom would freak, so Ohio we stay ;-)

We called and scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN, but the soonest she could actually see me was the 3rd. The nurse can get me in the 14th, so we made those appointments, but I dunno if we'll still be covered. We called the insurance company and all they could tell us was that we were currently still activated with no end date listed. So Jeremy is supposed to call his HR department and see when the end date is. I have an appointment with my OBGYN's Nurse on the 14th, but they couldnt get me into the doctor till the 3rd. I think called and made an appt at my friends OBGYN for the 19th, because they accept medicaid and my OBGYN doesn't. If we find out we won't be covered into May (which I don't think we will be) I'm canceling my appt with my OBGYN. I've heard that Medicaid will back pay claims, so even if my insurance isn't really active, we still will be covered.

It's been a horrible no good very bad day.

Thank you guys, so very much, for being so understanding. I know you all say not to worry, family comes first, and I know that, but I seriously love this blog. I know it may sound corny but I consider some of you friends, and some of you good friends. I know while you may understand why I can't post, I know some of you are disappointed, which I don't like to do. I also love hearing your feedback, and when I don't post, I don't get that.

With that being said, there's no post tomorrow. As I said earlier, my FIL is back in the hospital. He was doing his cardiac rehab exercise and they detected a irregular heartbeat. They admitted him to the hospital, and last we heard, they thought maybe one of his stents had slipped. They may want to go in and do a heart cath again, but we don't know yet. We're still waiting to hear back from his doctor.

Then, on top of that, we're applying for medicaid to get insurance for Cayden, the baby, and I. Medicaid wants a doctor or nurse confirmed positive pregnancy and estimated due date. The issue with that is we don't have insurance. They gave us the number to the free clinic, but it kept ringing up busy. So we called planned parenthood and paid the 16 dollars to have a pregnancy test done.

Imagine my shock when they told me my test was negative. I've taken 3 pregnancy test (four if you count the one I took a few days before my period was due and got the super faint positive.) All of them were positive. TWO of them were digital tests, so I couldn't mis-read the results. When I told her this, she got a little rude. "Well the test *I* did was negative, so you may experience some bleeding. If that's the case, go to the ER." No reassurance, no saying that maybe I was just super early. So of course, I FREAK out. I held it together till we got outside but I was sobbing, convinced I was going to have a miscarriage.

My hubby, the "you're addicted to pregnancy test and I'm cutting off your supply" man insisted we go get more pregnancy tests and take them on our own.

Now I've heard places like planned parenthood use cheap dollar store tests. I know for a LOT of people, these work well, but for me? I've never gotten a positive test on them.

I took one dollar store test, one equate test. Both came back positive. The dollar store test is faint, but it is a positive.

So now I'm just kinda pissed. Either planned parenthood read my test wrong or switched my results (there was a girl who knocked on the door when I was taking my test, and I'm pretty sure she got a positive.) I know the latter isn't likely, but why else would I come home and get two positives?

We checked our insurance coverage, and we thought that since Jeremy got fired in March, his coverage would end in March. Well, it says still active, so we're going to call my OBGYN tomorrow and try to get in ASAP to see wtf is going on.

So, prayers please.