And for every song of laughter was another song that cried

I snuck out the back. I didn’t know if Seth had left or not. But, I figured he threw me under the bus with the whole announcing our sort of engagement at thanksgiving, so… I was just returning the favor. Not the most mature thing in the world to do, but hell, we all know I tend to be less than mature in situations like these.
Seth didn’t call me. I didn’t go to the airport to see him off. At first it was more of a pride thing: I didn’t want to be the first to break. Then, when he still hadn’t called, and the feelings of sadness washed over me, I just… Couldn’t. I assumed we were broken up, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I hadn’t known if I wanted to marry Seth, but I hadn’t known that I DIDN’T want to marry him either. Life just felt so screwed up lately, like I couldn’t be sure which way was up anymore.
I didn’t really talk to anyone, anymore. Toni and Nick were pretty busy with the kids. Christi and I had sort of become friends, but I couldn’t really go to her when the problem with Seth. Normally in situations like these, I just buried myself in work, but I couldn’t even wrap my head around work anymore. It was a daily chore just to drag myself out of bed in the morning.
It went on like this for a few weeks. And then Mama Rivers called me into her office.
“Ella. Have a seat. I’d like to talk to you for a minute.”
“Sure. No problem, what’s up?” I asked, sliding into a chair. I glanced at the clock and tried to stifle a yawn.
“Well, that’s what I wanted to know.”
I looked at her for a moment, confused. “I’m not sure what you mean?”
“Ella… Several people have commented to me, and I have noticed myself, that lately you seem… Off. Distracted. Withdrawn. I just wanted to know if everything was OK?”
I was taken aback and wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. So I just didn’t answer it. We waited in silence for a few painful moments before Mama Rivers spoke.
“Look, Ella. You’ve had a lot going on lately, with your friend passing,” I winced at the mention of Chloe. “and other things. You jumped right back into thing… And honestly I’m just a little worried that maybe you didn’t give yourself enough time to grieve and heal…”
“I’m fine, Mama Rivers…”
“Ella, this isn’t a request. Two weeks vacation.”
“I can’t leave, the kids…”
“Will be fine. I’d rather you leave now and be well rested before camp. Ella, again, this isn’t a request.” She sighed, and put down her pen she had been playing with. “Look. You know with the economy the way it is, the funding has been slashed. Things are starting to look up now, but we’re not out of the woods, and we might have to make a few more cuts. I don’t want you to be one of those cuts, but people are starting to notice. People are worried. People are saying you’re depressed and maybe burnt out. I don’t believe it, but if enough people say it, then it’s not going to matter what I believe.” She looked at me, her warm brown eyes full of concern. “So take some rest, before you DO burn yourself out, OK?”
“Alright.” I said, shaking a little. This job was my life – the reason Seth and I broke up – if I lost it, I would have nothing left.
I drove home.
To say I didn’t know what to do with myself was the understatement of the century. I sat on the couch, wondering who had said what and why, exactly, they had said it. Sure, I had felt a little… Off. But depressed?
Was I depressed? I mean here I was, being told that I had two weeks vacation, and all I could think of doing was to plop my ass on the couch. Wouldn’t normal people have something better to do? Or at least an inkling of what they wanted to do? All I could think of was that now I didn’t have to take a shower in the morning.
I was depressed. And it made me laugh to think that I hadn’t seen it sooner. At first I felt a little bit ashamed, but then I cut myself some slack. It had been quite a year, full of up’s and down. Actually, quite a past two years. I needed a break, a getaway, I needed to clear my head and pull myself out of this funk.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I grabbed my phone and began to make plans. After everything was set, I walked down to Toni’s house, and hoped she’d agree to take on Cumulus, or else I’d be out a lot of money.
“Ella!” She exclaimed when opening the door. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at work?”
“You got a second?” I asked, wondering why the house was so quiet.
“Sure do. They’re napping.” She said, opening the door to let me in. “Do you want a drink?”
“I can only stay a second, I have some packing to do.”
“Packing?” She paused and looked me over carefully. “What’s going on? Why are you home?”
“It’s not a big deal Toni. Work sent me home.” She opened her mouth to speak, concern evident on her face. “Toni, don’t. They’ve been worried about me, said they thought I was depressed, and I think I have been. They made me take some time off. I thought about moping around the house, but I don’t think that’s going to help my cause. So I’m taking off, just for a week or so. I’ll be fine, I promise.”
“Alright.” She said nodding. I could tell she was biting her tongue and had more to say. “What can I do to help?”
“Watch Cumulus? Feel free to say no, I know you have a lot going on, I can always ask Drew or Matt, but I mean, you guys have a yard and more room here.”
“It’s fine. He behaves himself better than the kids most days.” She said smiling. “When?”
“I’m leaving tonight, so I’ll go pack up his stuff and drop him off on my way to the airport.” I said, opening the door back up.
“Airport? Where are you going?”
I turned, and hesitated. She wouldn’t like the answer.
“California. I’m going to visit Jason.”

Just wanted to update those of you who asked about my Mom: She's home now, doing OK. They did find a blockage when they did her cath and had to place a stent, but as I said, she's doing alright.

I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things. Things aren't great here (Eli's still not sleeping well and we're also having issue with Cayden sleeping) but at least the sickness is gone from the boys. I am, once again sick. So boo that. But I think I'll live, ha ha.

No schedule, but I am hoping to post once a week.

Drive until you lose the road, or break with the one you followed.

Sorry if this layout ends up turning out wonky - I had to use a different program that I normally used, so I'm not really sure how it's going to look here. If you need a refresher this was the last post I posted:
http://nothingmorethanapathy.blogspot.com/2010/12/i-started-running-but-theres-nowhere-to.html

Please excuse me while I get into the groove of things again. I had a different plan for the blog, but now I'm scrapping it in order to "catch up" so to speak.

After the whole dinner fiasco, I walked outside, planning to get some air, some space, some clarity. I was not expecting Drew to be outside still. Waiting. For what? I froze, like a deer in headlights, and didn't move or breath. I couldn't decide if I wanted him to see me or not. If it was a good idea, or a bad idea. All in all, I was pretty confused.
When he did spot me, our eyes locked for a second, and my heart jumped wildly. It was all too much - the dinner with Seth, announcing our sort of engagement. When Drew rolled down his window to speak, I felt like I might vomit.
"Go back inside Ella."
"What?" I blurted out, involuntarily. I don't know what I had expected him to say, but it had not been that.
"Go back inside. It's cold out here." He smiled, rolled back up his window, gave a half wave, and slowly backed out of the driveway.
I was left, alone, in the dark, and the only thing I was totally sure of was how anti-climatic it all was. The night ended up being anti-climatic. After the run in with Drew, I didn't know what to do, so I simply went back inside. Seth looked relieved to see me, and everyone else seemed so too. I apologized, and we went back to dinner, as if nothing had happened at all.
Time moved forward. I went to work, came home. But it did feel as if I was just going through the motions. I felt a little bit as if I was walking through a haze - I couldn't really see things as sharply as I used too, and everything felt and seemed muted to me. I didn't know if this was a delayed depression due to Chloe's death. I didn't know if maybe it had something to do with Drew, or Seth, or maybe it was just me and some sort of quarter life crisis. All I did know is I felt very mechanical, but if anyone else noticed, they didn't say anything to me. Christmas came. Seth bought me a charm bracelet that had some charms on it that represented me or us - a hockey stick, a flower for Chloe... His whole family cried when they recieved the rings I had made for them.
All too quickly, it was time for Seth to leave for his tour. Everyone kept asking me if I was sad, or scared, or nervous... And I wasn't any of these things. I thought I would be, and a nagging part of me told me I should be, but I just kept telling myself I wasn't that sad because I'd see him often, or that I trusted him so there was nothing to be nervous about, or that he was living his dream so I was happy for him. I kept giving myself excuses for my apathy towards the whole situation. If I wasn't unhappy, then I had no reason to question the validity of my relationship, right?
The night before Seth was to leave, there was a going away party for him, thrown by his parents. At one point of the night, he pulled me away from the crowd, saying he wanted to speak to me. We made our way out the back and sat down on the porch swing.
"You doing OK with all this?" He asked, not looking at me.
"Sure. Why?" I asked, realizing I didn't sound very reassuring.
"You've just been... Off, lately. Is it the trip? The engagement? Everything? Nothing?"
"I don't know, Seth. I don't feel like I've been off." I was lying through my teeth, and I had no idea why.
He was quiet for a moment, and doing that thing where he was looking at his hands. He always did this when he was nervous, or didn't know quite how to word something. As if the answer was just going to automatically appear written on his hands.
"I was thinking... And talking to some other people on the tour.... And...." He inhaled and let it all out with a whoosh of air. "Youcouldcomealongwithme."
"What?" I said, not sure I heard him right."
"You could come with me. I guess a lot of spouses are doing it."
"I can't." I said, a little too forcfully. I had thought he might suggest that, but I didn't realize it would make me so angry when he did. The tone in my voice should have left no room for discussion, but Seth only remained quiet for a minute.
"I just don't see why the answer is automatically no. You can't even think about it?"
"There's nothing TO think about Seth. I have a job here, a house, a big dog who would not do well in a hotel room, if he was even allowed at a hotel room. I don't have the money to just take off and leave."
"Sell your house."
I looked at him for a moment, unable to speak because I was stunned at just how serious he was.
"I love my house Seth. And I love my job. I love my life, here in Ohio."
"Don't you love me?"
"I am capable of loving more than one thing, you know." I said. I didn't understand where this was all coming from, and I felt blindsided. Then I realized two things: we should have had this conversation a long time ago, and that maybe me walking around in a fog hadn't gone unnoticed as I assumed.
"I know but... I mean." Seth stumbled over his words. "Don't you want to be with me?"
"Why does it have to come down to that? And why are you being so needy?"
"I don't think I am being needy. Why are you being so distant? I just figured that if this thing takes off and they offer me a permenant position in California... I mean..."
He trailed off, and it hit me. He expected to live somewhere else. And he expected me to go with him. He saw the look on my face, and I don't know exactly what it was, but it made him back track quickly.
"I just thought you know, if you came out early you could get to know everyone. The whole dance program is with inner city kids, so maybe you could make some connections and store them in case...."
"You really think I'm going to move? Leave my kids?"
"Ella, just forget it, it's not important, I don't want to fight on my last night here..."
"Don't you think this is a conversation we should have prior to getting married? Don't you think where we're going to live is something we should both settle on? You know, BEFORE we get married?"
"I'm leaving tomorrow, Ella. We don't have to plan the rest of our lives tonight."
"I realize that Seth. But if you think I'm leaving my job, my house... My friends? It's just not going to happen. I want to stay here. This is where I planned to make my home, and I'm not leaving."
"So what does that mean?" He said, getting up and standing, his back towards me, his gaze fixed on something in the distance.
I shrugged.
"You just don't care do you? At all?" He voice was low, even, and it scared me a little.
"I do care Seth."
"No, you don't. I don't know what happened, or why, but you checked out of this relationship. You're not even trying to make a compromise. You're not even open to discussion."
"I don't see what there is to discuss. I'm not faulting you for having big dreams, Seth. And I'm not trying to hold you back. But I'm living my dreams. I know what I want. And I don't want to leave here."
He looked at me, and threw up his hands as if he was surrendering. Then he simply walked away, and once again, I was left feeling less than what I should be feeling.

update, finally

I know guys, it's been months. I can't say it enough, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. To update you on us, we're all sick. Again. YAY, right? It's just a cold right now, or maybe allergies, I don't know anymore. So far it's not too bad, just messing with sleep.

However, I believe there WILL be an update tomorrow (er, after midnight, so I guess technically it would be later today) I know. I've said it before, so why should you trust me now? Tomorrow my Mom goes in tomorrow for a heart cath. Which is super stressful, because it's what George went through, and then had to have stents placed in. They think worst case scenario that she would need stents placed - we're hoping it's not worse - either way, I'll be at the hospital pretty much all day tomorrow with very little to do until she gets out of her heart cath and we find out what's wrong.

It'll be my first time in a long time without kids and just sitting there. So I'm hoping to get lots of stuff done. Number one on my list: Updating.

I also ask that you keep my Mom in your thoughts/prayers.