And for every song of laughter was another song that cried

I snuck out the back. I didn’t know if Seth had left or not. But, I figured he threw me under the bus with the whole announcing our sort of engagement at thanksgiving, so… I was just returning the favor. Not the most mature thing in the world to do, but hell, we all know I tend to be less than mature in situations like these.
Seth didn’t call me. I didn’t go to the airport to see him off. At first it was more of a pride thing: I didn’t want to be the first to break. Then, when he still hadn’t called, and the feelings of sadness washed over me, I just… Couldn’t. I assumed we were broken up, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I hadn’t known if I wanted to marry Seth, but I hadn’t known that I DIDN’T want to marry him either. Life just felt so screwed up lately, like I couldn’t be sure which way was up anymore.
I didn’t really talk to anyone, anymore. Toni and Nick were pretty busy with the kids. Christi and I had sort of become friends, but I couldn’t really go to her when the problem with Seth. Normally in situations like these, I just buried myself in work, but I couldn’t even wrap my head around work anymore. It was a daily chore just to drag myself out of bed in the morning.
It went on like this for a few weeks. And then Mama Rivers called me into her office.
“Ella. Have a seat. I’d like to talk to you for a minute.”
“Sure. No problem, what’s up?” I asked, sliding into a chair. I glanced at the clock and tried to stifle a yawn.
“Well, that’s what I wanted to know.”
I looked at her for a moment, confused. “I’m not sure what you mean?”
“Ella… Several people have commented to me, and I have noticed myself, that lately you seem… Off. Distracted. Withdrawn. I just wanted to know if everything was OK?”
I was taken aback and wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. So I just didn’t answer it. We waited in silence for a few painful moments before Mama Rivers spoke.
“Look, Ella. You’ve had a lot going on lately, with your friend passing,” I winced at the mention of Chloe. “and other things. You jumped right back into thing… And honestly I’m just a little worried that maybe you didn’t give yourself enough time to grieve and heal…”
“I’m fine, Mama Rivers…”
“Ella, this isn’t a request. Two weeks vacation.”
“I can’t leave, the kids…”
“Will be fine. I’d rather you leave now and be well rested before camp. Ella, again, this isn’t a request.” She sighed, and put down her pen she had been playing with. “Look. You know with the economy the way it is, the funding has been slashed. Things are starting to look up now, but we’re not out of the woods, and we might have to make a few more cuts. I don’t want you to be one of those cuts, but people are starting to notice. People are worried. People are saying you’re depressed and maybe burnt out. I don’t believe it, but if enough people say it, then it’s not going to matter what I believe.” She looked at me, her warm brown eyes full of concern. “So take some rest, before you DO burn yourself out, OK?”
“Alright.” I said, shaking a little. This job was my life – the reason Seth and I broke up – if I lost it, I would have nothing left.
I drove home.
To say I didn’t know what to do with myself was the understatement of the century. I sat on the couch, wondering who had said what and why, exactly, they had said it. Sure, I had felt a little… Off. But depressed?
Was I depressed? I mean here I was, being told that I had two weeks vacation, and all I could think of doing was to plop my ass on the couch. Wouldn’t normal people have something better to do? Or at least an inkling of what they wanted to do? All I could think of was that now I didn’t have to take a shower in the morning.
I was depressed. And it made me laugh to think that I hadn’t seen it sooner. At first I felt a little bit ashamed, but then I cut myself some slack. It had been quite a year, full of up’s and down. Actually, quite a past two years. I needed a break, a getaway, I needed to clear my head and pull myself out of this funk.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I grabbed my phone and began to make plans. After everything was set, I walked down to Toni’s house, and hoped she’d agree to take on Cumulus, or else I’d be out a lot of money.
“Ella!” She exclaimed when opening the door. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at work?”
“You got a second?” I asked, wondering why the house was so quiet.
“Sure do. They’re napping.” She said, opening the door to let me in. “Do you want a drink?”
“I can only stay a second, I have some packing to do.”
“Packing?” She paused and looked me over carefully. “What’s going on? Why are you home?”
“It’s not a big deal Toni. Work sent me home.” She opened her mouth to speak, concern evident on her face. “Toni, don’t. They’ve been worried about me, said they thought I was depressed, and I think I have been. They made me take some time off. I thought about moping around the house, but I don’t think that’s going to help my cause. So I’m taking off, just for a week or so. I’ll be fine, I promise.”
“Alright.” She said nodding. I could tell she was biting her tongue and had more to say. “What can I do to help?”
“Watch Cumulus? Feel free to say no, I know you have a lot going on, I can always ask Drew or Matt, but I mean, you guys have a yard and more room here.”
“It’s fine. He behaves himself better than the kids most days.” She said smiling. “When?”
“I’m leaving tonight, so I’ll go pack up his stuff and drop him off on my way to the airport.” I said, opening the door back up.
“Airport? Where are you going?”
I turned, and hesitated. She wouldn’t like the answer.
“California. I’m going to visit Jason.”