Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

“Wait!” I shouted, just as I heard him take a breath in to form his response. “Don’t answer that. Jesus, what is wrong with me?”
“Nothing is wrong with you… I’m so confused right now, what are you talking about?” He answered, sounding both irritated and amused.
“There is something wrong with me Matt. I’m an asshole. I can’t believe I haven’t talked to you in so long and the first words out of my mouth are about Drew. Hell, I can’t believe I even care what the hell Drew is up too, since he couldn’t even be bothered enough to come tell me goodbye. But, I do. I came all this way to get away from him, and yet I’m still jumping at the first chance I have. This is ridiculous.”
“Ella… It’s a tough situation.”
“Oh Matt, it’s not. It’s really not. I mean sure, breaking up sucks, and it sucks to care about someone who doesn’t care about you back. But people do it all the time. People move on, people get over it. People deal with real life problems that are much bigger and much harder than being dumped.”
“Some people’s molehills are other people’s mountains Ella. Just because someone else is going through worse doesn’t mean that what you’re going through doesn’t suck too.”
“Why are you so nice to me Matt? It seriously makes me a little angry. I don’t deserve this. I was an asshole to you too, asking about Drew before I even asked about you. I just don’t get why people like me. And I know that’s what someone says when they’re fishing for compliments, but I swear I’m not doing that. I just… I look back and I see one train wreck after the other, and most of the guys have been around to see the previous train wreck, or even multiple train wrecks, and I don’t understand why they want to get involved with me after witnessing that.”
“Maybe they’re hoping it’ll be different for them.”
“But isn’t the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I mean if over and over again things get messed up, why would anyone expect it to be different for them?”
“Because Ella.” He sighed, clearly frustrated with the tone of this conversation. “That’s how relationships are. They all end until you find the person you’re supposed to be with. So, yeah, you pretty much go into every one thinking that it might be different. It doesn’t always happen, but the one time it does is supposed to be worth it.”
“I don’t know Matt. Maybe I’m the crazy one – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
“What do you want, Ella? What is your end goal?”
“I don’t know anymore. I just want to be in a healthy relationship. And you know, it doesn’t even have to last forever, but one that doesn’t end in a complete crash and burn.”
“Not all of your relationships have ended in a crash and burn Ella. You’re still friendly with some of your exes.”
I laughed. “Oh? Who exactly am I friendly with? Let’s see – there’s Seth, who moved really far away and I don’t speak too anymore. There’s Jacob, who didn’t even have the balls to break up with me himself and who knows where the hell he is now. There’s Greg, which, I guess wasn’t a crash and burn relationship, because it didn’t even get off the ground. There’s Drew, who despite being my best friend for, oh, my whole life, couldn’t be bothered to even come say goodbye to me.”
“There’s Jason.”
“Jason and my relationship is so warped from what it used to be. And it’s only like this after a very extensive and expensive repair. I know I sound like I’m whining, but I’m not trying to say poor me. It’s not poor me. While some of them have not been my fault, a lot of them have been. I suck at moving on. I suck at relationships.”
“Ella…”
“No, Matt. I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say I just haven’t met the right person yet and when I did, it would click. And I know that’s how it’s supposed to happen, but I think even if I met the right person right now, it wouldn’t happen. I’m just messed up. I know you like me, and I like you too. But, I love you as a friend Matt. You need to know that right now, I just can’t take that risk. I just don’t feel confident enough in myself that it would work out. Even if you’re the one for me, I think I’d ruin it, and I don’t want to risk another friendship for a relationship I know is doomed.”
“Ella, you’re being ridiculous. You don’t know our relationship is doomed, you haven’t even tried yet. I think you go into every relationship with the expectation of doom and it’s no wonder it always ends up crashing and burning.”
“While I agree that that is an issue, it is one of several Matt. And since I think that way, I can’t begin yet another relationship when that is my mindset. You’re arguing with me and it’s a moot point. I came here to clear my mind and get away from everyone. And while I’m crazy homesick, I think the best thing to do is to cut off contact with people from home. I just can’t hear stuff about Drew and not ask what’s going on, but you know… It’s over. It doesn’t matter what he’s doing or if he and his girlfriend broke up. He doesn’t want me. I’ve got to move on.”
“And how is not talking to anyone from home going to help that? I’m not Drew. Why should you cut off contact with me?” Matt sounded confused, and also a little pissed off.
“I’m not saying you’re Drew, or you’re like Drew. But, I know you have feelings for me Matt. And as I told you earlier, I do have feelings for you too – they just aren’t strong enough for me to want to get involved right now. I want to be able to give you a chance, but I also want to give you the best possible chance I can and getting involved with you right now won’t give you that. I need to get over Drew, I need to be on my own for a little bit, I need to figure things out. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, you have been amazing and I wouldn’t have made it this far without you. But right now, I need it to be just me.”
“I don’t think you need to be that drastic El.” He said, the anger gone from his voice.
“I think I do, Matt. I think I’ve never given myself a chance to mourn any of my lost relationships, so I’m carrying around all this extra grief and baggage from them. It seems like every ex-boyfriend I have had has butted into my current relationship, and maybe it’s just time I take some time to work through the issues I have with them so they’re gone for good.”
“What happens if I find someone new, Ella?”
“Then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”
“You won’t be sad? You won’t regret it.”
I sighed. “Yes, Matt. I’ll be sad. But I won’t regret it. I’ve said it already, I’d rather go into a new relationship with you knowing I could give it the best shot possible.” I paused for a moment. “Look, I’m going to say something really mean right now, but it’s the truth, and I think it’ll put things into perspective for you: if I started dating you today, and Drew showed up tomorrow asking for another chance, I’d give it to him. And that’s why I can’t start a relationship with you right now Matt. It’s not fair to you. Again, you deserve better than that. You deserve better than me.”
He didn’t say anything, and I was afraid I hurt his feelings.
“I’m sorry Matt.”
“I know Ella. I know you’re just trying to be honest and I appreciate that, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
“I’m sorry.” I repeated. “I hate to end things like this, but I have to go get ready. Please, just give me some space. If you need me, I’ll be there, but if you don’t…”
“I’ll let you call me when you’re ready.”
“Thanks Matt.”
“Bye Ella.”
“Bye.”