Out of the doubt that fills your mind, you finally find you and I collide.

I followed Toni around the mall, vetoing things, and giving in to things when I got tired of her nagging. I was only paying her half of my attention, but she didn’t seem to notice, she just chattered on. My mind was elsewhere – on Drew, and namely on having sex with Drew.

Maybe it was odd, but I hadn’t given it much thought. I mean I guess I figured it would happen at some point, and sure when we had made out on the couch that first night of officially decided to get back together, I had made the choice to pull back – we were taking things slow after all. But did Drew expect me to sleep with him before I left? Toni had said it like it was common knowledge that we’d be doing the nasty before I left.

I wanted to ask Toni what she thought, but I knew exactly what she’d ask. Why was it such a big deal? And I didn’t have an answer for that. Drew and I had known each other for forever, we had had sex before. It was a quick moment, for sure, but it had been done. So why did this just seem like such a big deal to me?

I tried to put it out of my mind. I tried to focus on spending time with Toni, but it’s all she could really talk about – Drew and I, and so it just brought me right back to my train of thought. I was glad when we arrived at her house and I got to wrestle around with the kids. I laughed and had fun and marveled over how much they had grown in the short time I had been gone. But, as I was walking out the door, Toni pressed a bag in my hand and winked at me.

“Have fun tonight.”

“Uh, thanks. I’ll see you later?”

“Sure. We’ll be over for a little bit.”

I tried to focus my attention on other things. Cleaning the house. Taking a shower. Stuffing the stuff Toni made me buy in the bottom of my closet where it would never see the light of day again. But my mind kept wandering back to Drew and I, and what would happen if we were alone. What if something happened? What if something didn’t happen? I was turning circles in my head, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it – whatever happened happened. I wanted to stop thinking about it, but I couldn’t.

Until people started showing up for the party, and it was amazing how quickly those feelings went away. I was so used to being surrounded by people, not having a moment to myself, that I wasn’t used to being alone with my own thoughts, and they consumed me. Being able to catch up with old friends, talk about the work situation, and laugh… I didn’t think about Drew at all. Sure, he was there, but I didn’t worry on what would happen, I just focused on what was, and how good it felt to be at home.

Catching up with my boss was especially fun.

“Ella!” He said, wrapping me in a warm hug. “We’ve missed you! How are things going? We for one can’t wait until you come back.”

“So there’s something to come back too?” I asked, feeling both hopeful and nervous to be hopeful.

“Nothing is for sure yet, but we’ve gotten a lot of press and we’re very hopeful this emergency funding will come through. People know we’re a lifeline, and they want to keep us open.”

I nodded. “I’m enjoying my time in Colorado, but to be honest, they aren’t my kids, you know? I’m ready to be home.”

“Well, we’re ready to have you. Not much longer, and hopefully you’ve learned a lot and can teach us.”

I nodded, and moved on to mingle with other guests.

My comfort, however, soon faded when a silent signal seemed to ripple through the party instructing everyone to leave. I busied myself, getting people their jackets, helping to find misplaced keys, and hugging people goodbye. Honestly, I was hoping for a few stragglers – you know, the people who never seem to know when to leave? But, this time there was only the one I feared the most.

I shut the door behind the last guest and turned to face Drew.

“Well. I guess we’re alone now.” I said.

“Finally.” He answered, walking up to me and putting his arms around my waist. “How is it possible that I miss you when you’re in the same room with me, simply because I’m not touching you?”

I laughed, sounding slightly nervous.

“What’s the matter?” He asked, leaning his forehead against mine. I had forgotten how easy it was for him to read me.

“Are we going to have sex?” I blurted out.

To his credit, he didn’t look nearly as surprised as I knew he must have felt. Instead, he just sort of laughed.

“Do you want to have sex?”

“I don’t know. I mean yes, but…”

“But what? We’ve done it before and managed alright.”

“I’m just scared Drew. I want this so much, and I wanted it so much for so long, and I just. I never thought it was going to happen. And now it’s like I’ve been handled some super fragile, expensive, irreplaceable work of art and I’ve been told not to break it. I don’t even want to move. I know we have to go forward, but it just seems…”

He kissed me. Slowly at first, and then deeper. His hands held my face to his, and then slipped down to lift me up so that I was wrapped around him.

“I have two options right now, El. I can take you upstairs, and we can see where it goes, or I can take you upstairs and we can go to bed. Either way is fine with me. I’m not going anywhere, and we can go at whatever pace you’re comfortable with going. We’ve both waited a long time for this, and I think… I think it’s a lot sturdier than you might believe.”

I kissed him then, and without me having to say anything, he carried me upstairs, laying me gently on the bed. I sat up and Drew reached for the bottom of my shirt.

“You want to do this, or not?” He asked quietly.

I couldn’t manage anything more than a slow nod. He gently tugged my shirt up and over my head. The look on his face took my breath away.

“I forgot just how beautiful you were.” He whispered before covering his body with mine.

We still took things slow. Inch by inch, we rediscovered each other. I learned things about Drew I didn’t know – where to kiss to make him gasp, where to touch that made him giggle, and a few other choice spots.

And then it was the moment I had been afraid of – Drew was poised over me, my arms above my head in surrender.

“Are you sure?” He asked, one last time.

Again, all I could manage was a nod.

“Oh Ella, I love you.” He whispered.

Then we became one.