Run from my past, I run too fast, or too slow it seems...

OK, a couple things before I post today's post (promise I won't make this a habit, lol.)

1.) I told you guys I would pass on great deals when I found them. I just found an awesome one (at least, I thought it was awesome.) I take a butt-load of pictures, and I usually use a lot of photo uploading sites (it's way easier, they often ship directly to me, or I can pick them up, and often when you sign up, you get free prints.) Snapfish is one of my favorites, I ordered my husband a picture mug for Father's day and it turned out great. Well, if you use this link: http://www5.snapfish.com/promo370us?AID=10704366&PID=2734597 you get fifty free prints when you sign up. If you sign up just by going to snapfish.com, it will only give you 20 prints. It also randomly gave me a credit for a free collage poster, I don't know if this is included in all sign ups, or what. Then, if you use the code FreeLabor, shipping is also free. The free shipping code expires the 13, so you gotta act fast. I'm not sure when the other codes expire, but if you move fast you could get a ton of pictures for free! If you already have an account, you could either take advantage of the free shipping, or do what I did, which was sign up for a new account under my Mom's name (I had her permission) and have the prints mailed there.

2.) Make sure if you didn't check yesterday that you look below for a little... Uh, rant? Explanation? I'm not sure what to call it, and the bonus post I put up yesterday.

And onto today's post!

I lowered my arm, which had the money in it, and crossed them across my chest. My eyes narrowed.
“You shouldn’t be here, I didn’t ask you to come.” There was an edge in my voice, and Drew took a step back.
“You weren’t answering my calls.” He said.
“I didn’t want to talk to you. I still don’t.”
“That’s not fair Ella, you can’t cut me off and just expect me to wait.”
“What’s not fair is for you to lie to Jason and not even tell me about it Drew.” I snapped. The puppies whined at my feet. I don’t think they’d ever really heard me yell before.
“I was just trying to help, Ella. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“It didn’t help, it made things worse. And to top it off, you let me blame myself for years, thinking if only I had told him, really told him, we could have been together. Instead it was you, it was your fault!”
“Why does it have to be someone’s fault Ella? Why does there always have to be a reason for things? Can’t you just say things happen? That maybe this was exactly how it was supposed to happen?”
“I can’t say that Drew, because I don’t know. Maybe if you hadn’t did what you did, I could eventually reach that conclusion. But now, I’ll never know how it could have turned out.”
“It’s over Ella. Isn’t that all that matters?” His voice took on an almost pleading tone.
“I know it’s over Drew. There’s nothing you or I can do anymore to change it. You can’t fix this. It’s gotta remain broken.”
“Then why are you so angry?”
“Because Drew. I loved him. I still do, and you took any chance I had out of my hands because on a whim you decided it was best for me. I was angry at myself, because I never told him, I never fought for him, I just let him go. Now, I’m angry at you, because it turns out, he might have told me he was in love with me. But you decided that’s not what I needed, and you decided to lie to him, and then you decided to lie to me.”
“I never lied to you!” Drew exclaimed.
“Oh but you did Drew, when you never told me what you told him. A lie by omission is STILL a lie.”
I watched him stand there, looking at me, with hurt and confusion showing clearly on his face. I wanted to feel bad for him. I wanted to say I was over it, give him a hug, and invite him to eat some pizza, but I just couldn’t. I was still angry, and even more angry that he assumed that showing up here with some flowers would just fix everything. He was missing work, I would have to put him up for the night, and it just showed an obvious disrespect for me and my feelings.
“I’m sorry, Ella. I really am, but you have no idea where I’m coming from. He hurt you, badly, multiple times. Was it his fault the baby died? Of course not. But the whole reason the baby was there was because Jason was being careless. He’s always careless. And you always forgive him for being careless, and even worse, you find someone else to blame. You never chalk it up to Jason being an ass just because he’s an ass. There’s always some magical reason: he’s dealing with his Daddy issues, you weren’t one-hundred percent honest with him, whatever else you can scrounge up.” He paused, tossing the flowers on the ground. “Here’s a newsflash, little girl. Had Jason really loved you? He would have fought for you. He didn’t, because he’s a fickle idiot who didn’t know what he want. He picked Kayla because she was there and she was the easiest choice, and honestly you should consider yourself lucky that you didn’t get stuck with him. All this pining over him is so old, and it’s really pathetic. You give me a call when you decide you’re over it.” He spun on his heel, almost crashing into the pizza man on his way out.
I know I should have called to him, asked him to stay, or even yelled at him, but I couldn’t. I could barely speak to tell the pizza guy to “keep the change.” I wasn’t hungry anymore, and set the box on the table to go pick up the flowers Drew had dropped. The puppies were sniffing at them, tentatively biting them a little. I shooed them away, not knowing exactly what to do with the flowers. Should I keep them? Throw them away? I decided on the latter, seeing as how the trip to the ground and the puppies had gotten the better of them. I picked up the pizza box, along with the forgotten bandana’s, and called the dogs to come inside.
I slumped down on the couch, still in total shock. Drew and I had little spats here and there, but I couldn’t even call them real arguments. They were over and done with within five minutes. And I was always the one who said the mean things, Drew held his tongue a lot better than I tended too. I didn’t really feel hurt, or angry. Not yet anyway, though I was sure both those feelings would come later. For the most part, I just felt surprised. I didn’t really know what to do or how to handle this. I didn’t know if I should call him and apologize, or at least offer the futon for the night.
I decided quickly though that Drew was a big boy. He knew a few other people in Columbus, so if he really wanted too, he’d be able to find a place to stay. If not, maybe the drive back would do him some good, clear his head.
The yipping of the puppies brought me back to the real world. They were hungry, and I had things to do.

I jumped about a foot in the air when the phone rang later. I rubbed my eyes and glanced at the clock: Eleven Thirty. Man. Where had the time gone? I was half tempted to ignore the phone. After I fed the puppies earlier, I had started working, and got into a rhythm, a groove. I didn’t want to stop working when I was almost done, and worse yet, I didn’t want to get caught up in a conversation and still have to finish the rest of it when I got off the phone. However, the thought of Drew driving home so late popped into my head, and I had a nagging feeling that I should answer it, just in case something had happened, or he hadn’t been able to find a place to stay. I closed my laptop, deciding that I’d go to bed after this phone call, work done or not.
I looked at my caller ID and smiled. It wasn’t Drew, but Greg.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Took you long enough.” He joked.
“I was working, you should try it some time.” I answered, leaning back and smiling.
“Work is for the birds.” He responded. “You OK? You sound tired.”
“I am tired. Someone kept me up way too late last night.”
“Oh? Who was this? Should I be jealous?”
I smiled. “Well, then I had an early morning, a long staff meeting, and a surprise confrontation.”
“Betty getting bulldog again?”
I laughed. I had described Betty as an old, severely overweight, cranky dog.
“No, one of my old friends. It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got time.” Was his answer.
“OK. Well, just remember when it’s all over, you’re the one who asked.” I warned.
“Duly noted. So spill.”
I launched into the Jason story, leaving out the mis-carriage and saying instead that I had a breakdown, which wasn’t a complete lie, I did, in fact, have one. I ended repeating word for word what Drew had said to me. It was burned into my brain, a soundtrack that I hated.
“Whoa, that’s quite a bit.”
“I know. I didn’t want to dump that all on you but…”
“I asked.” He completed for me. “Well, honestly, I can see both sides. I mean, he was just trying to protect you, but he didn’t have a right to do what he did. And, you have every right to be angry, but you have to ask why? I mean, it’s over, isn’t it? It’s time to move on.”
“I know that, but I am angry. I think I should be allowed time to be angry. And Drew could have told me what he did any point after he did it, and he chose not too. There was a chance to rectify the situation, and he didn’t take it. Why didn’t he?”
“Well, either because he really thought this guy was bad news for you, or he wanted you to himself.” I heard him munch down on something.
“I don’t think either of those fit.”
“Why not?” He asked, he mumbled slightly, his mouth full.
“Jason’s not a bad guy. He made some mistakes, he can be selfish, but he’s been there a lot for me, he’s not a bad guy. And Drew doesn’t want me, he’s my best friend.”
“Best friends make the best lovers.” He sang.
“Oh, whatever.” I answered, rolling my eyes.
“Seriously, Ella, men and women can’t be friends, it’s like, a scientific fact.”
“You and I are friends.” I pointed out.
“We’re friends with the intent to date. That’s different. I mean, you do want to date me, right? Or at least go out on one date with me?”
“Are you asking me out on a date, Greg?” I asked, smiling.
“I thought I already did?”
“No, you asked me to stop by a show, bring some friends. That’s a casual, hang out thing. It’s not a date.”
“Oh, well. I did that because I wanted to get to know you better, before I committed myself to a date.”
“Oooh, one date is such a big commitment.” I said sarcastically.
“You’re right, it’s not. I’m just the king of bad first dates. Seriously, I’ve had about a billion of them. I’ve found it works much better if I do a casual thing before I actually ask a girl out. It kind of weeds out the crazies.”
“Oh, I see. So you think I’m crazy, and that’s why you haven’t asked me out yet?”
“No no no no no.” He answered quickly.
“Greg, I’m just teasing, you don’t have to ask me out.”
“I know you’re just teasing, but still. I would like to go out with you sometime, one on one. I think you’re pretty cool, and if memory serves me correct, pretty cute as well.”
“Yeah, I clean up nice.” I joked.
“So, Ella, how ‘bout it? I get back into town Sunday, but I’m playing shows until Thursday. Could I take you out Thursday evening?”
I felt the butterflies rise in my stomach. I always felt so shy and self conscious when a guy asked me out, or asked me to be his girlfriend. It was lame of me, acting like I was in second grade. Still, I couldn’t stifle a giggle.
“Laughing at me are you?” Greg asked. “The one time I don’t want to be laughed at.”
“No, sorry. You’re just, kind of adorable.” I paused. “I’d love to go out with you Thursday. What do you want to do?”

Authors note, and a Flashback!

So, there's been a lot of drama surrounding the blogs I read, and I know a lot of you read these other blogs as well, so you probably know what I'm talking about. Here's my opinion on posting schedules, this is just my personal opinion, and you're most certainly welcome to voice your opinion if you'd like. Yes, none of us are getting paid to do this (or at least, most of us probably aren't.) I'm not going to pick the blog over my family, or my friends. If something comes up, I'm not going to stress about how I'm supposed to have a post up. I started this blog with no set schedule. Right now, while I have the postings, I'm trying to post every other day. If I get busy (or have another baby, because we are trying for number two right now.), or run out of ideas, I may slow down. If I know something is coming up in advance, and I might be busy, I'll let you guys know. If an emergency comes up, I'm not going to worry about the blog while I go deal with it.

But, I also feel like we do have a level of commitment to you guys. Yes, we're doing this for fun, yes, we aren't getting paid for it, but point blank, we started it, most of us "advertised" in a way, posting the link some where, or even by just making the page public. I think we owe it to you guys to set a schedule that works best for us, and then try to stick to it. If whatever schedule we've set doesn't work, then change it. I also don't think it's fair to open up comments, and then get mad when people post their opinions, whatever they may be. Sure, there's a way to state your opinion, and you don't have to be rude, but I also don't think that you can get mad when someone just says how they feel. I personally haven't had any comment drama, but I don't think my opinion would change even if someone said "I don't like your posting schedule" or "I don't like how you don't proof-read." My answers to both those things would simply be, sorry you feel that way, but nothing's going to change, and then I would continue on my way.

I'm not trying to be mean to anyone. One blog I stopped reading because I didn't feel a.) that the blog was that great to begin with, b.) that she respected her readers enough to hear their opinions without being incredible nasty in return and c.) That her reasonings for not posting were actually legit. Another blog I'm actually pretty sad about, I feel like she's stressed and has a real reason to be, but can also see the other side a little bit. These are just my personal opinions, and again, you're welcome to voice whether you agree or disagree.

But, I also wanted to thank you guys, one for being such great readers, respecting each other and me, and two for reading this long rant. So, I thought I'd post a bonus post today, and then I'll also have the regular post tomorrow.

I woke up with a start in an unfamiliar bed, sore, dry mouthed, with a headache. I was confused. I felt weighted down. I panicked for a second, not knowing where I was, or why I was being held down. I reached up and felt around for whatever was on my chest. It was an arm. I looked to my left, to see Drew snoring lightly beside me, an arm tucked around me. Last night came rushing back to me, and my headache suddenly became much worse. I gently pushed Drew’s arm off of me, and slipped out of bed. I needed food, I needed water, I needed to call Jarren to have her come pick me up. I wanted desperately to go home, to get on with my life, to leave Jason and this whole mess behind me. I was so over it, so done with caring, so done with trying, just… Done with everything. I wanted to work, I wanted a new boyfriend, a real boyfriend, and I wanted to never speak to Jason again.
I tip-toed out into the living room, unsure of the time, and not wanting to wake anyone. I felt like I slept so hard, my body ached from it. I startled a little to see someone sitting at the kitchen table, and paused for a second, but relaxed when I realized it was only Toni.
“Tea?” She asked as I sat down next to her.
“No thanks.” I didn’t do tea, I thought it was gross.
She shrugged her shoulders, as if to say suit yourself. “You know Jason was really drunk last night, right?”
“Yeah, I figured.” I didn’t want to talk about this anymore.
She raised an eyebrow. “Not just a little drunk, or even pretty drunk, I heard from a couple people he was drunk when he showed up. And then, kept drinking. Kayla says…”
“Yeah, well, I bet Kayla would know.” I cut her off sarcastically. I didn’t want to hear what Kayla had to say, what did I care?
“She said,” Toni continued, pausing to shoot me a look, daring me to interrupt her again. I looked away from her, pouting. “That she highly doubts he remembers anything from last night. She just called. She and Jason are coming over for breakfast. She said he was upset that none of us showed up for the party last night…”
“They’re coming over here?” I asked, interrupting again.
“Yeah, for a goodbye breakfast. For sober goodbyes. Sean’s coming over as well, and Jen’s letting him do this one alone.”
“That’s a shocker.”
“I know.” Toni agreed, sipping on her tea. “So, maybe you could tell him this morning?”
“Uh uh. No way. First, I’m not ever doing that again. And secondly, I’m not sticking this one out.”
“Why not?” She asked, setting down her cup and focusing on me.
“Really? You have to ask?” She continued looking at me, not saying anything. “Because. I can’t do this. I want to go home and get away from all of this.”
“I think you can do this, and you just don’t want too.” She said calmly.
“You’re probably right. Only I don’t see how it matters.” I shot back. I was starting to get angry. I felt like Toni, who barely knew me, was judging me. It made me even angrier that she was staying so calm while I got worked up.
“One of your best friends, and the guy you say you’re in love with, is leaving for a very dangerous place. I don’t see how it doesn’t matter to you.” She finished with her tea, and rose to set her cup in the sink.
“I don’t really see how it’s any of your business, but did you ever stop and think that maybe I’m tired of dealing with all of this? I just want it to be over, so I’m ending it. I’m done.”
She was quiet for a minute, and she pulled things out of the fridge to make breakfast. I thought the conversation was over, and got up to head out of the room.
“You know Ella.” She started. I stopped and turned slightly toward her. Her back was towards me, she was cracking eggs into a large bowl. “I often find that while I regret some of the things I say, I almost always regret the things I don’t say.”
Drew walked in, his hair mussed, his eyes still lined with sleep. He was shirtless, his body tan and muscular from all the landscaping work he helped his father with. For a minute, I was taken aback. I didn’t often really look at Drew, and when I did, I was often struck with how gorgeous he really was. He stopped, and eyed Toni and me. I wondered if our tension could be felt in the air.
“How you feeling?” He asked, his voice still a little thick and scratchy.
“I’m fine. I think I’m going to head out though, you think you can rent a car for me?”
He shuffled past me, ruffling my hair slightly on the way to the fridge. He paused at the question, a carton of orange juice in his hand.
“I thought Jarren was picking you up later today?” He unscrewed the cap and was about to take a swig when Toni smacked his hand and handed him a glass.
“You are not at home Drew.” She reprimanded.
Drew smiled and blushed slightly, taking the glass and pouring a glass.
“She was, but I’m ready to go home.”
He raised his eyebrows at me as he chugged down the glass in one long gulp.
“Jason and Kayla are headed over for breakfast.” Toni explained. “Ella doesn’t want to stick around to say goodbye to him.”
“Ella would love to say goodbye to him.” I muttered. “That’s why Ella’s leaving.”
Drew set down his glass on the counter. Toni eyeballed it, then him, then the sink. Drew got the message and quickly placed his glass in the sink.
“Good boy.” Toni said, jokingly patting Drew on the head.
He smiled at her, and turned towards me. “For what it’s worth, Ell, I think you should stay.”
“Why does everyone keep telling me what to do?” I snapped. “When do I get to make my own choices?”
“Oh Ella, lose the attitude.” Toni said, moving the eggs to the stove and then moving back to the counter to unwrap some bacon. “You can make your own choices whenever you decide too. But you’re coasting and just letting things happen. And we’re just voicing our opinions.”
“Well.” I huffed. “Your opinion is neither wanted, nor needed. I’m going home.” I turned on my heel, walking out of the room. I rifled through my bag and jumped into the shower. A moment later, someone knocked on the door.
“What?” I snapped, letting the hot water run over my body. I thought a shower would calm my nerves, and it wasn’t working.
“It’s me.” Nick called. “Can I come in?”
“Whatever.”
I heard him enter the room, flip the toilet seat down, and sit on it.
“Toni doesn’t mean to piss you off Ell. It’s her personality. She tends to say what she’s really thinking, which can come off…”
“Bitchy.” I finished for him.
“Well, yeah, that’s one word for it.” I heard the smile in his voice. “Look, the thing is, you’re in a tough spot. None of us really know what you’re going through, we’re just on the outside looking in. You have every right to leave, and not a single one of us would blame you for that. In fact, I probably would have cut myself a break a long time ago, if I were you.” He took a breath. “But, here’s the thing about being on the outside, while we don’t know exactly how it feels, we can sometimes think things over better. And we all just think that if you leave, Ell, you’re going to regret it. Especially if something should happen. I know it’s got to be hard, and trust me, I wouldn’t want to be you. I just don’t want you to leave to cut yourself a break now, and then end up paying for it later, you know? You might as well get all your knocks at once, kid.”
I didn’t say anything, thinking his words over. Damn Nick for always going and making sense. I began to soap up my hair, using my fingernails to massage my scalp, trying to rub out some of the tension. My headache started to let up a little.
“Just stay for breakfast. If it gets to be too much, fake being hungover, and go to your room and lay down. At least this way you’ll get to see if Jason remembers anything from last night, and if you feel like trying to tell him again, you can. At the very least, you’ll know that you had a chance to say your goodbyes.”
I sighed, rinsing, and lathering to repeat.
“I’ll take that as a yes, I’ll stay?” Nick prodded.
“There better be lots of bacon.” I said.
I heard Nick chuckle and leave the room.
I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. I knew it was selfish of me, Toni looked freshly showered, and Nick may have already showered, but there was no way Drew had. Still, I got a smug childish satisfaction knowing Drew would have to take a cold shower. Side with Toni over me, will you? Face the consequences!
I didn’t really feel like dressing in real clothes, but since I knew Jason would be here with Kayla, I better at least attempt to make a decent appearance. I refrained from slipping back into Drew’s tee-shirt and a pair of Nick’s shorts (my pajama’s from the previous night, I was constantly stealing the guy’s clothes.) And instead decided to slip into jeans and a white tee. Simple, but the shirt fit right, and the white set off my tan from spending a summer outdoors. I even put on make-up, keeping it light, concealer, mascara, eyeshadow, and liner, but at least it was an improvement.
My hair I left down, I hoped it would dry before they got there, but even if it didn’t, I felt like it added an air of carelessness, like I hadn’t been trying to look good. I excited the bathroom, and went straight to my room to sulk.
I laid down on the bed, and Drew came, gathering his clothes and shower things. I hid a smile thinking of the cold shower that was in store for him. Sure enough, in what had to be a record time, Drew was back in the room, dripping wet (probably cold) water, a towel wrapped around his waist.
“Thanks so much for leaving some hot water for me Ell. There must have been two whole drops!” He said.
“Aw, Drewbie can’t stand a little cold water?” I joked, smiling up at me. He looked at me, an evil smile crossing his face.
“You like cold water Ell?” He asked, slowly moving towards me.
“Oh Drew, don’t, please. I don’t have any other clothes…” I said, trying to sit up. I wasn’t fast enough, and Drew tackled me on the bed, shaking his head so little droplets of cold water rained down on me. When the water stopped, he paused for a minute.
“Get off me, you’re heavy!” I gasped, pushing on his chest.
“Oh, now I’m fat too?” He said, grinning and reaching down to tickle me.
I burst into giggles. I was terribly ticklish, if you even said the word tickle while looking at me, I would probably laugh. I wiggled against him, laughing and trying to squirm away from him.
Drew paused, looking down at me, he opened his mouth, to start to say something, when someone knocked on the door.
“They’re here, c’mon let’s eat!” Nick called.
Drew looked towards the door, distracted. I took this opportunity to push him off of me.
“Get dressed, or you’re going to miss all the fun.” I said, exiting the room. Well, I thought to myself. Here goes nothing.

So forget your past, my goodbye girl

Greg and I had chatted online for awhile, before we realized that a phone call would make things much easier, and faster. He called me, and we talked for awhile. We covered family (he was adopted, an only child, who loved and was very grateful to his parents), friends (his were mostly long distance friends whom he met while touring state fairs in the summer. He did have a few old friends, but said the majority of them were basically acquaintances) and work (he was actually a substitute teacher! He said he was a shy guy throughout his life, and in high school had taken to drama and magic. He liked the fact that on stage he could become anyone, which gave him a sort of fake confidence. He liked subbing because it gave him a steady income, but also the flexibility to take a gig here and there in the winter, and to travel in the summers.) We both talked and shared things that I personally would never share with anyone without ever really hanging out with them first. He was easy to talk too. Before either of us knew it, it was two AM, and I had to force myself to get off the phone. Even though I was dreading getting up for work the next day, I fell asleep with a smile on my face, replaying our conversation over in my head.
The next morning I woke up to a text from Greg.
Greg Dangers: Good morning! Sry I kept u up so L8, but it was nice talking 2 u. Hope u have a good 1!
I smiled, but refrained from texting him back. One, it was early, and I didn’t want to wake him, and two, I figured I should probably pace myself. I had already divulged a lot of information, and I didn’t want to move too fast. Even though I hadn’t dated many guys, I had a tendency to crush hard and fast, and then get bummed when it didn’t work out (even though the reason was usually Jason.) I thought that maybe if I took things slow, it may work, and even if it didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be so bummed when it did end.
I dressed comfortably, knowing I should probably put more care into my clothes, but the fact of the matter was, this morning I was too tired to care. I climbed into the kitchen where I was met with nips and yips of four very hungry dogs. I fixed their breakfast, and while they ate, I prepared mine. I wasn’t a big morning eater, I actually tended to get sick if I ate too close to waking, but I knew it was going to be a long day and I would need the energy. I stuck with toast and cereal, but by the time I was done toasting, buttering, and pouring, the dogs were already finished with their breakfast. I let them outside to do their business, and sat down and ate. When I was done, I picked up the few piles and wiped up the few puddles (night accidents were getting less and less, and they may have been eliminated if I would only crate them at night. But, I felt too bad doing that when they were already locked up all day.) I let the dogs back in, played with them for a few minutes, and then shut them in their crate. I hated doing it, but I knew it was the best for them to get used to it.
I grabbed my bag and was out the door, already dreading the day. I had to go into work earlier than normal for a staff meeting. I hated staff meetings, I had yet to find someone who actually liked them, but ours were especially boring. We had a lot of agency rules that have to do with our philosophy, and some of them I agree with. Others, however, I think should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. For example, the rule that everyone had to agree before we left the meeting? Dumb. Most of the time it wasn’t a big deal, and we agreed on whatever topics had been discussed. However, sometimes we couldn’t agree. And one time we had a four hour meeting because the two cleaning ladies disagreed on which mop-heads to use.
I still loved my job, and most of my co-workers. Sometimes it was hard to be around them, in the agency there were only three white people working, myself, Michelle, and a woman named Misty, and sometimes I felt some racism directed towards us because of it, but for the most part, we got along well. My boss Kenny, was a short, middle aged man, with dark skin and glasses. He looked pretty dorky, and we often teased him for his taste in clothes. He wore sweatpants and sandals with socks, the ugliest and brightest shirts imaginable, but he was a sweetheart, and would give you the (ugly) shirt of his back if you needed it. He had two little girls, who were gorgeous. His wife was Puerto Rican, and she was also a sweetheart. It was clear how much they loved each other, and their family. They were talking about trying for one more child, as they both desperately wanted a little boy. Kenny’s boss, the boss of us all, was named Mari Rivers, but everyone called her Mama Rivers. She was an old soul, and her face was soft and worn, it looked almost like it had been carved out of the side of a tree. She spoke quietly, but she could lay down the law if she had too. She called the kids ‘youngsters’ which I adored, and I wished badly that she was my Grandma. She was gorgeous, light-skinned. She was Asian-African-American mix, and had kind eyes that she passed along to her adult son, who occasionally volunteered. Kenny’s second in command was Michelle. She was constantly going tanning, and worked out, so her skin had a hard quality to it. She had shoulder length blonde hair that she high-lighted, an easy and broad smile, and white teeth. She was around Kenny’s age, but looked younger, she had a husband who was built and gave off the appearance of being a bad-ass, but really was a teddy bear. They had one son, a precocious little boy that every one called Little Mike. Misty was probably the co-worker I was closest too. She was the same age as Kenny and Michelle, but acted younger. She heavy-set, had gorgeous green eyes that she passed along to her teen-aged daughter, bleached-blonde hair, and had recently got into a tattoo/piercing phase. She acted a little ghetto and hard-assed, but she was also a sweetheart, very shy, and quick to get her feelings hurt. Next was James, a big, dark skinned man, with a huge voice and a smile to match. He had thick dreads that all the kids called “dookie braids”. He was quick to joke, always laughing, and constantly fighting with Misty. They had an off again on again thing, and there was constantly drama around them. He had one young son, a gorgeous light skinned boy everyone called baby James. He was getting to the age where he got a little annoyed at the “baby” part.
Then there were the few people I didn’t get along with. Betty was one of them, but she was only part time. I often excused her mean-ness as being unhappy with the way she looked, and also being sad about the death of her daughter. Since Betty was our receptionist, I didn’t have to see her often, and was able to steer clear from her. Kiki was a different story. Kiki worked in the same programs I did, and we were constantly butting heads. She felt like because she was older than me, she could tell me what to do. Her hair was constantly changing, sometimes she’d put weave in and leave it straight, other times she put it in afro-puffs, sometimes it would be braided. Kiki had four sons, two of them older teens, one mid-teens, and one pre-teen. She was dark-skinned as well, with one front gold tooth. She was constantly putting me down and trying to take over my groups. We had gotten into one full blown argument when she accused me of being a lesbian (which I didn’t care), but inferring that because I was a lesbian, I was also a child molester (which I almost punched her for.) Last but not least, was Sandy, who we jokingly called Big Momma behind her back. She bossed EVERYONE around, and was so lazy, I was shocked that she hadn’t yet gotten fired.
There were other people, volunteers, back office people who worked on things like finances, but these were the people I seemed to have the most contact with.
The staff meeting was boring, as expected, but didn’t drag on for as long as I expected. I half-paid attention, writing funny notes to Michelle and Misty, watching Kenny roll his eyes as Big Momma droned on about some great idea she had, that she thought everyone should pitch in and help with. Don’t get me wrong, the basis of our agency, and the reason I thought we thrived, was because everyone was always willing to pitch in on whatever. But, it was slightly irritating when Big Momma doled out all the work, sat on her ass, and then took all the credit for it. We talked a little about how the interns would be here Monday, who they would be assigned too (I had Stacey for the first week.) And then we broke. The rest of the day was uneventful, I did some paperwork, went to lunch with Kenny, Misty, and Michelle, and taught a class about online safety to the kids. They kept asking where Cumulus was, and I made a mental note to ask Kenny about maybe using one of the dogs to help teach an animal safety/care class. The wheels in my mind turned, thinking of all the possibilities. We could work with the local shelter on some things, maybe even earning the kids volunteer credits for school, which a lot of the teens needed to graduate. I decided to work on this more at home. I rushed home right after the kids left, not bothering to dawdle and do paperwork like I normally did. I had two people coming to look at the puppies. If all went well, and I liked their vibe, I would have to schedule home visits with them to see if it met requirements. If so, I could be down two puppies, which would actually be a relief. The dogs were getting bigger by the minute, and I felt like I’d soon be out of room.
After the people came and went, I needed to get on sewing bandana’s for the dogs to wear for the adoption event I was taking them too this weekend, mingle with the mutts. Then there was paperwork, I wanted to outline what I wanted the new animal program to be like, and I had texted Greg back and asked if there would be a repeat conversation tonight. He texted back not too long after that he would like it if there was, so I had a phone date to prepare for.
The people came and went, one I thought was almost a definite yes, the other couple I was iffy about. They had a baby on the way, and I wasn’t sure they needed to add a puppy, especially a large breed puppy to the mix. I had set appointments to do a home visit at both homes, but decided I would bring information on older, calmer dogs for the second couple. If they decided to go that route, I could pre-approve them for one of the dogs.
I texted Greg a “good luck with your set” text, called Nancy with an update about the puppy visitors, and started working on the bandana’s. I worked outside so the puppies could play, and so I could soak up the last days of summer. In Ohio, you never really knew which way the weather would turn. Sometimes it would be eighty degrees in December, other times, we were getting snow in September. You could never put away your winter clothes, or your summer clothes. Lots of people complained, but I liked it. I think it taught people to think on their feet, and to enjoy what they had when they had it.
I ordered a pizza, and set to work. It was an easy, mindless task. I had cut a square of fabric diagonally, leaving two triangles. I was hemming the side I cut to make a smooth edge, and then stenciling “adopt me” on the back. I was making several of these, as well as “I’ve been adopted!” for the dogs in our agencies. It made them stand out a little at adoption events. I had gotten a few done when I heard the back gate open. I had instructed the pizza guy to come to the back door, but was surprised he didn’t call me to come over. I figured most people wouldn’t want to deal with a yard full of puppies. I grabbed my purse off the bench next to me, and turned to pay him.
“Drew? What are you doing here?” I asked, dropping my purse.
Drew was holding a bouquet of sunflowers, one of my favorite flowers, and strode over towards me.
“I’ve got something to say, and you need to listen.”

Flashback: I want you to know, and feel it in your soul, that someone has come and gone

The party was packed, and I felt a little claustrophobic walking into the wall of people. The house was dimly lit, with loud music, loud talking, and random bursts of laughter and screeches. Nick and Toni saw some friends they knew in Sean’s parent’s living room, and headed over towards them. Drew held fast to my hand, giving it a little squeeze. I looked back at him and winked to let him know I was OK.
I figured I’d settle in, say hi to some people I knew, and try to calm my nerves before I sought Jason out. I wanted to wait towards the end of the night to tell Jason anyway, so that I wouldn’t ruin his going away party. Part of me was worried that I would change my mind again, but the other half knew that if I was worried about it, then it was the right thing to do, and therefore I wouldn’t change my mind.
I didn’t want to drink too much, I didn’t want to be drunk when I told Jason, I wanted to be able to choose my words, not slur the first ones that came to mind. Still, I did want something to ease my nerves a little, so I took a Smirnoff from the cooler on the back deck, and sipped it slowly, glancing out at the backyard. I felt eyes on me, and I turned to see a short, slightly chubby but cute girl staring at me. I met her gaze, and realized too late she took that as an invitation to start talking to me.
“Hi, I’m Molly.” She said, strolling over towards me and extending her hand. I took it and shook it.
“Ella.” I answered, turning away from her slightly to glance back out at the yard.
“You came with Drew?” She asked, either ignoring the fact that I obviously didn’t want to talk, or oblivious to it.
“Yes, Drew, Nick, and Toni.”
“Oh, are you two, like, together?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. I glanced back over at her and was sorry I did. She looked a little hurt, and on second glance, she looked a little young. I pegged her to be around my age, which I guess wasn’t too young, but I got the vibe that she acted more her age than I did.
“Me and Drewbie? No. We’ve been friends for a really long time though. That’s why I laughed, it’s just weird to think about dating him.”
“Oh.” She smiled, and it was with that I realized she was actually pretty beautiful. “Does he have a girlfriend?”
“Drew?” I took another sip. “No.”
“We went on a date.” She said, lowering her voice as if it was some big secret. “I thought we had a good time, but. Then he kind of disappeared. When you showed up with him, I thought maybe you two…”
“Nope, we’re not together.” I said, feeling another pang when I said this. I chalked it up to jealously. I liked my boys, and I felt like they were all leaving me. I couldn’t help but add, “he was with me though, these last couple weeks.” I couldn’t take the slight possessive tone out of my voice, either.
“Oh.” I watched her eyes drop, and felt bad.
“I just had some drama going on though. Drew’s like that, you know. Helping people out. You should go find him. He’s back now, so maybe he’ll ask you on that second date.”
She smiled and left, I assumed to go find Drew. I chose to duck down and go sit under Sean’s parents deck. Years ago we had set up a little swing under there. It was dark, and people usually forget it was there, so I assumed I would be alone. I took a step back when I saw a form in the swing, but relaxed once my eyes adjusted and saw that it was just Sean.
“Well lookie here. Where’s the little wifey?” I joked, surprised that Jen didn’t have him on a leash.
“We couldn’t find a sitter, so the kids are upstairs. The baby woke up so she’s putting her back to sleep.” He paused, and I saw he had a beer in his hand, he lifted it to his lips and took a long pull. “Hell, she may be done with all that. But, I’m hiding out. I’m here to have a good time and I cannot stand the sound of her voice right now.”
I slid in next to him. “Uh oh, trouble in paradise?” I joked. Sean was definitely drunk, I could feel him sway slightly beside me.
“There’s always trouble where Jen is.” He grumbled.
I patted his leg, and he took my hand. I felt a little awkward, Sean and I hadn’t been around each other much lately, but I let it go.
“I should never have married her. Doing the right thing always gets you fucked in the end.” He said.
“Sean, is she really that bad?” I asked. I mean, of course I thought Jen was a horrible bitch, but there had to be something good about her, right?
“Ella, yes. Yes, she is. She’s a great Mom. And she does love me. But she’s so mean and bossy! Things are only good if I do exactly what she says, when she says it. Then I feel like I’m in prison though. When I do what I want, the punishment usually isn’t worth the crime. When I don’t do what I want, I’m miserable anyway. I feel stuck.”
I was quiet for a moment. I knew Sean would not be telling me all of this if he wasn’t drunk. He was a very private person and also liked to keep up appearances. A lot of people said he and Jen got married too young, and I know he’d hate to let anyone know that they might just be right.
“Have you tried talking to her about it? Or like, therapy or something?”
Sean laughed a sad, sarcastic snort. “You know Jen, Ella. Does that sound like something I could do with her?”
Nope. It sure didn’t. Sean and I sat there, him chugging beers in long swigs, emptying one, throwing it behind him, and reaching into a cooler that I hadn’t noticed for another.
“How many have you drank?” I asked.
“Not enough.” Was his reply.
I decided it was probably best to leave Sean alone to wallow in beer and self pity, so I let go of his hand, patted him on the leg again, and got up to leave. Just as I was walking out, Jen caught sight of me.
“Sean’s under there, isn’t he?” She asked, she looked me up and down. I assumed she was looking for evidence of cheating.
“Yup.” I answered. I didn’t really want to get into it with her, not here and now. I figured maybe if I kept things short, sweet, and honest, she would leave me alone.
“He’s drunk, isn’t he?” She asked again.
“Yup.” I replied. I waited to see if she had anything else to ask.
I was surprised to see her sigh deeply and run her hand through her hair, looking both frustrated and sad. Sometimes I forgot that Jen was a person, and every person, even a mean person, also had feelings. For the first time in awhile, I really looked at Jen. And noticed how tired and run down she looked.
“Whatever he said, just… Forget it, OK?” There was a hint of pleading in her voice. Had I been like Jen, I probably would have smiled, and shook my head no. But, I actually felt bad for her.
“Yup.” I answered. She nodded once, a thank you, and ducked down into the darkness.

I hung around a bit longer, catching up with Drew, who was now chatting to Molly and laughing. He caught my eye, shot me a look, and I nodded. Yes, I was OK. He eyed me up and done, much like Jen had, looking for clues that I was lying. Finding none, he turned back to his conversation. I hung out with Nick and Toni, the three of us joking and inventing the worlds worst dances. I laughed hard, for the first time in awhile. As the night got later, more and more people left. When I spotted Kayla leaving, I decided it was the best time to go seek out Jason.
I found him in the barn, playing beer pong with a group of guys I didn’t know.
“Ella!” He greeted me loudly. He was drunk. I hesitated as I hugged him, and wondered if I should still tell him. I decided it was now or never, and while he may react badly now, in the morning when he sobered up, he’d remember and come and find me.
“Hey, Jay. Can you and I go somewhere and talk, maybe?” I asked.
“Sure! Sure!” He replied. “Guys, I’ll be back.” He said, even though his friends had already returned to their game and were paying no attention to him.
He took me under the porch, where I was worried that Sean and Jen would be, either arguing or making up. However, the swing was empty, and the only sign that Sean had been around were the empty beer bottles and the cooler. I wondered if Jen had put him to bed like the rest of her babies.
Jason reached into the cooler and pulled out two beers. He handed one to me, but I just shook my head. I was not a beer drinker. Jason shrugged and opened both bottles, drinking from both.
“So, what’s up Bella-Ella? Did you know Bella means beautiful? Bella-Ella, beautiful Ella.” He said, smiling.
Again, I thought about stopping. And again, I made the choice to press on.
“Jason, you remember when I came to visit you out in California?”
“Mmmhmm.” Jason nodded, taking another pull from the bottle.
“I came because I had something to tell you. And I chickened out and then planned to tell you tonight, but then something happened…”
He looked at me, a little worried. “What happened Ella?”
“You remember when we slept together? Like, the last time we slept together?”
He nodded, quiet, and took another drink.
“Well. I. I got pregnant, Jason. I came to California to tell you that I was pregnant.” I saw him open his mouth to say something, but I had built up so much momentum that I couldn’t stop now. “I didn’t tell you because. I dunno why, I just couldn’t. But, I knew you deserved to know, so I decided to tell you tonight. But, at my last appointment, I found out… The baby died, Jason.”
His mouth snapped shut. Then opened again. He took a deep breath.
“Why are you telling me this, Ella?”
“Well, wait. What?” I was expecting a lot of reactions from him. This one, was not one of them.
“You found out about Kayla and me, didn’t you? And now you’re just trying to ruin everything. You always do this. You don’t want me when you can have me, but the second I get happy. Jesus Christ Ella.” He stood, swaying a little. “Just, in the future, keep this shit to yourself.” And with that, he walked away.
I sat in the darkness, looking at my hands. What did he mean, I found out about him and Kayla? And did he have a right to be so angry? It was true, I kept something very important from him, but given our circumstances… I don’t know if I could be blamed for that. I felt hurt, and I wanted to cry, but I just couldn’t. I felt so empty and hollow on the inside, and I was so sick of caring.
Drew found me, probably about an hour later. The night had turned cold, and it had started to rain. He didn’t say a word when he saw me, just pressed me into a hug. And I let him, I let his warmth seep into my skin. I was so tired, that when he picked me up and carried me to the car, I didn’t protest. Just laid my head on his shoulder, and finally cried.

Storm clouds all have gone away, can we stop this thing from sinking?

I decided on the drive home from work, when Cumulus fell asleep in my lap, that I would keep one of the puppies. I called Nancy on my cell phone and left her a message that I would keep last puppy standing. I know she wanted me to stay dog free so I would have the space to foster, but I figured having one dog, even a giant breed, would still leave room for others.

I pulled into the driveway and paused to check my messages. I was a little surprised to hear the computerized voice read a number I’ve never heard before. I waited for the human voice to come on and tell me who it was.
“Hi, Ella. It’s Matt, I met you at the agency? Sorry for calling… My boss gave me your number, which he got from your boss. Adriana can no longer come down for the internship, she’s having some family issues. We’ve found someone, another male actually, but he needs to live with an actual family. It’s… Religious things, he can’t live with an unmarried female. So, I was wondering if you had any problems with putting me up? Sorry about the sudden change, it’s thrown us all for a loop. I’ll talk to you soon, I hope.”
I smiled, at the whole “talk to you soon, I hope” line. I didn’t mind staying with a guy, but it did put a damper on any chances of us getting together. I already thought it was a bad idea to date someone I had to work with, but to date someone I was also living with?
“Woah, someone’s putting the cart before the bull, eh Cumulus?” I sat to the beast who has passed out in the passengers seat. I grabbed him with one arm, my bag in the other, and slammed the door with my hip. I made myself let the dogs out, fix dinner, and eat it before I called Matt back. I didn’t know what I was so excited about, but I knew I wanted to talk to him.
I hit the talk button over his missed called. My stomach jumbled, I was nervous.
“Hello?” He answered.
“Hey, Matt? It’s Ella. You called earlier?”
“Oh yeah.” He paused, and call me crazy but I heard a smile in his voice. “How are you?”
“Good, just got home from work not too long ago, how are you?”
“I’m good, just got in myself, had to spend some time with the girlfriend before I leave.”
“Oh.” Ohhhh girlfriend, of course, I should have known it. “Well, of course, I’d be bummed too if my boyfriend was leaving for months and didn’t spend time with me.”
“You have a boyfriend?” Again, was I crazy, or did he sound disappointed?
“No.” I said a little too quickly. “No boyfriend, just me and the kids.” Oh god, did I really just refer to the dogs as kids?
“Kids?” Now he didn’t sound disappointed at all, just flat out confused.
“Sorry, it was a joke. I meant the dogs. I have four dogs right now, puppies actually. You’re not allergic, or anything, are you?” I almost hoped he was, so I had a reason not to agree to him staying with me.
“Oh.” He laughed. “I thought you were a little young for kids. No, I’m not allergic. I love dogs.”
A little young for kids? I opened my mouth, to tell him that I had almost been a mother. But, I realized that was too much information. The majority of people at work didn’t know, mainly just my boss, since he gave me the first couple weeks off to recover from everything.
“Oh, good. I don’t have a problem with you staying with me. I live a little further out then anyone else, and my place is probably a little smaller, but as long as you don’t mind a futon, you’re welcome.” I paused. “Your girlfriend can even visit, if she wants.”
“Oh. Yeah. Well, good. That takes some stress off. We’re all really looking forward to working with you guys, and when Adriana had to take off, it was a scramble.”
“Well, we always stress. But, it always seems to work out in the end. So, see you Monday?”
“Yeah, um, if it’s OK with you, can I come up a little early? To, you know, settle in?”
“Um, sure.”
“Probably Sunday, maybe Saturday. I’m just a little anxious. I know it sounds weird, but I’m really nervous, and it would make me feel a lot better to know I’m all settled in, and have everything I need before I start.”
“Oh, no. I get it. That’s fine. Just call me when you’re headed out.”
“OK, thanks, Ella.”
“You’re welcome Matt. Bye.” I said, hanging up the phone. I was a tad disappointed, but it was all for the best, I suppose.

I took the dogs back outside and sat up on the picnic table. I was trying to enjoy the last days of summer, before winter hit. I could feel a slight bite in the air, and it made me lonely. A lot of people thought summer was the best time for relationships. I thought it was the best time for flings and friends. Fall, in my opinion, was the best time to start a relationship. There were so many great relationship ideas, cuddling by a bonfire, sharing a cup of coco and a blanket at a football game. And then winter, winter was the best time to BE in a relationship. It was the perfect time to introduce people to families, and sharing holiday traditions. Summer is fun, even if you’re alone. Fall and winter just get downright lonely.
I shrugged it off, and glanced over at my cell phone. Drew had been trying to call once a day, and I had been ignoring his calls. He didn’t try more than once, never left a voicemail, just call, let it ring, and then hang up. It was typical Drew, not pressuring, but letting me know he was there when I was ready.
And in a way, I hated that. I hated that he was so understanding, so patient, so persistent. I was angry, and I felt like I had the right to be angry. And Drew calling, and me ignoring him just made me feel guilty. Sure, Drew had never really done anything like this before (we had never honestly really fought, actually.) But, because he had never done anything like this before, I think it just made me feel more betrayed. He knew how much I cared about Jason, so what right did he have to decide that Jason was no good for me and send him away?
Especially at that time, I felt like my life was so out of hand, like all these things were just happening to me, and I had no choice but to just roll with the punches. And Drew took the one thing that I could control, and made the choice for me.
As if summoned by my thoughts, my phone rang, and it was Drew. I picked up my phone and ran my finger lightly over the talk button. I considered it for a moment, and then hit ignore instead.
Drew couldn’t fix this, he couldn’t undo it, he couldn’t change it. All he could do was apologize, which he had already done. And all I could do was forgive him. I wasn’t ready to do that yet. I sighed, and called the dogs. I was tired, and already ready to call it a night.

I settled the puppies into the kitchen for the night. It was a lot easier to clean up accidents. I grabbed a snack, dodged playful teeth, and said goodnight to puppy whines as I went into the bedroom. I propped my laptop on my lap, preparing to start some worth and return some emails. Kayla and I had been discussing things via email, but I had requested that she leave Jason out of it. It turned out (or at least Kayla told me, and I believed it over Jason’s story.) That Jason has pushed the idea of babies. And while Kayla, in fact, did want one, she felt like Jason would be the one who would be disappointed should I choose to back out. She wanted to make sure that I knew all the facts and had agreed before she told him. It sounded like a good plan to me.
You would think talking to Kayla would be hard. It wasn’t. Kayla and I could have been great friends, had Jason not been in-between us. It was easy for me to talk to her, I think, because I didn’t blame Kayla for anything. She didn’t make Jason choose her over me, that was his choice. He was the one to blame. I did, sometimes, wonder what she had that I didn’t have, but for the most part I could pretend like she was just another girl. I checked my inbox to see if I had anything from her. I did, but I was more surprised to see that I had an email from Greg, the magician. It hadn’t been two weeks yet, and I wasn’t expecting to hear from him.

From: GreatDangers@gmail.com

Ella-
I hope you don’t mind me emailing you out of the blue here. It’s just so boring here! The show is great, and tons of fun, but once I get done there’s nothing to do! I hung at the bar for a few nights, but, the bar scene gets old quick. So, I thought maybe you could entertain me. We could get a whole jump start the whole getting to know you thing?

I smiled while reading it. I wasn’t really sure about Greg, he was funny, which I liked, but I was also wary of. Funny guys sometimes had a hard time being serious, or had to use joking as a coping mechanism. I loved a sense of humor, but it was important that the person knew how and when to use it. Still, I decided that it couldn’t hurt anything, and getting to know him before we went out on a date might just save me from a horror of a first date.

To: GreatDangers@gmail.com

Greg,
Sounds good, I was just headed for a big night of paperwork! Super fun. Not so much. So how should we start this getting to know you process? Should I just ask you questions? If so… Why magic? When did you get into it? How did you learn? Who are your heroes? Do you tour a lot?

I was a little anxious, and wasn’t sure if I should just stick around waiting for a response or if this was going to be a correspondence over the next few days.
I checked the email from Kayla, a link to a couple surrogacy forums, so I could talk to people who had been through it and see what it was like, as well as some legal stuff, which I skipped. I couldn’t read dry stuff like that, I planned to talk to a friend, who was a lawyer, to see what they could explain to me, in laymen’s terms. I responded to her, telling her I’d check things out, and asked a few questions about finances.
By the time I clicked send, I had a new email from Greg. I snuggled down and clicked to read.

Layouts

I felt like the old layout had such a narrow posting space, and so I decided to toy with the blog. If any of you were on right now, looking at the blog (which, I doubt you were, it's pretty late) you might have been very confused/annoyed, because I tried several different looks. A lot of which I liked a lot, only I'm kinda of computer stupid (I know a teeny, tiny html, and I rarely have the patience to read tutorials on it, or how to correctly install layouts) so on a lot of them I couldn't figure out how to add back the things on the side of the page (like the archives, my playlist, ect.), or I thought the font color was a little off.. I found this one, and I like it OK, though I will probably be looking for another one (I don't like how the titles overlap if they're too long) I frankly just got too tired of messing with it tonight. When I get time, I'll play around with it some more, but I just want you guys to hang in there, and if any of you know anything about html, or where to find a cute, uncomplicated to install, layout, please, shoot me a message or a comment. New post when I wake up!

Flashback: It seems like such fun, until you lose what you have won

I was in a daze while the doctor talked for what felt like endlessly. She said words like spontaneous abortion to describe my situation. I was annoyed at that word. That was a stupid word to describe what had happened. It made me feel like I was just out on a lovely afternoon, and decided on a whim that the shoes I was wearing would go lovely with an abortion, or something along those lines. Like it was something fun, like I had a choice in the matter.
I think she caught my cringe at the word, because she soon changed it to “missed miscarriage.”
“Normally the body would expel the fetus on it’s on. Your body doesn’t know it’s miscarried. And Ella, I’ll give you a couple of days, but if you don’t start bleeding, we’re going to have to take it out through a D&C, a dilation and curettage. I’m so sorry.” She said, squeezing my leg.
I stopped listening again. I didn’t want to know. I trusted Drew, who was looking horrified and pale, would get whatever information I needed to know.
I have no idea how I made it to the car. I have no idea how I made it through the next couple days. I have no idea how I made it to the hospital to have the D&C preformed. I felt like a shell, an empty shell. Or worse yet, I felt like a windshield, all these things were being thrown at me and all I could do was take it. I wondered if I had this all coming to me, because the baby hadn’t be a wanted one.
At some point, I broke. It was like I had been a water balloon and someone pricked me, and I was just leaking. I couldn’t stop crying. Drew tells me now that I would wake up every hour screaming “you were wanted, I wanted you, come back.”
And then, it was over. I woke up one day and showered, got dressed, and shocked the hell out of a worried Drew and Jarren.
I wasn’t OK. I still felt like my heart was broken, and it would randomly stab me in various parts of my body with it’s broken, shattered edges. But instead of depressed, I was just incredibly sad. Each day it hurt in a new way, and what hurt worse was to watch the people I loved treat me as if I was broken.
Finally, Nick decided it was time to access the damage. Drew, I guess had called him when I was in my comatose state. Nick and I had never been particularly close, but he did call himself my brother, and I suppose in a way, he was. He was that much older brother, in the sense that either he was an accident baby when your parents were too young, or you were the accident baby when your parents were too old. He wasn’t that much older than me in years, but he liked to act like it sometimes, and even though we often went long periods without talking, when he blew into town he was always here with the same amount of protectiveness and bullying.
Nick brought along his new fiancé, Toni. They had only been dating a couple of months, but I was impressed that Nick had actually settled on one particular girl. I was even more shocked when she walked into my apartment and I found out she was black.
Well, black probably isn’t the right word for it. She was a cinnamon color, her skin smooth and creamy with a slight reddish undertone.
I wasn’t shocked that she was black because Nick was a racist or anything like that. Nick got along with everyone, and it was against his nature to dislike anyone, even some people who probably should have been disliked. It was the running joke of the group that Nick could have been friends with Hitler. He was the charmer, he tended to see and bring out the best in people. Still, Nick DID always stick to a certain type of girl when he dated. It annoyed me to no end that every girl Nick brought to meet me was the blonde, leggy, smaller chested, girl next door type. Never very smart (I’m not saying blondes aren’t smart in general, but Nick did go for the stereotypical dumb blonde girls.), never with much to say except oh-mi-gawd this or that. They tended to be sweet girls, but never any real substance.
Toni was shorter, and she was thick, but not at all fat. She had these unusual, shocking green eyes, and the smallest, thinniest, longest, prettiest dreads I have ever seen. A few of the dreads were dyed a bright red, and a few more had random seashells attached to them. She wore very thin, square glasses with the black frame. She was very well endowed in the chest area, as well as the backside. She was short, thick, smart and curvy. Definitely beautiful, definitely not Nick’s type. I was happy Nick was there, and glad to finally meet Toni. I was hoping their arrival would take the spotlight off me for awhile.
But as soon as we figured out sleeping arrangements (five people in a tiny two bedroom was a tight fit. It was finally decided that since our couches were NOT the type of couches you slept on unless you wanted to visit a chiropractor for the rest of your life, that Drew and I would share Jarren’s king sized bed (she squealed in delight and made me promise to let Drew sleep next to her, moments later Drew wanted me to promise not to let her sleep next to him.) And Toni and Nick would take my double.) the attention was back on me.
After about the fifth time that Drew asked me if I wanted something to eat, Toni shot him a look.
“Drew, isn’t this Ella’s place?” She asked.
“Yeah?” He answered, confused.
“Well then, I bet she knows where the kitchen is. And she seems pretty smart so I’m sure she knows the kitchen is where the food is. So, I’m even more sure that when she gets hungry she’ll find the kitchen and make some food.” Toni said. It sounds really bitchy of her to say, and maybe it was, but the way she said it, distracted, focusing on the video game she was playing with Nick, it didn’t seem that way. And I was grateful, because Drew didn’t ask me if I was hungry or wanted some food for the rest of the night.
And when Jarren kept asking me where I was going every time I made the slightest movement, Toni looked up from her book and asked “does Ella have a tendency of getting lost in here?”
Jarren shook her head no.
“Oh,” she replied, looking back down at her book. “I just thought she did. You keep asking her where she’s going so I thought it was in case she didn’t come back you knew where to send the search party.”
Again, Jarren stopped asking me my plans every time I made a movement.

The group had also been whispering since Nick got there. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was about, but I knew it was something about me. I hated having something hidden from me like I was five. Finally, when Nick and Drew were whispering in a corner, Toni again became the only person who knew what I needed: the truth. To be dealt with like an adult. To not have the kid gloves on.
“Oh shoot you guys, just ask her.” Toni said, shooting Nick and Drew a look. When both of them looked up with shocked, round eyes, and didn’t speak, Toni sighed, exasperated. “Ella, we’re headed home tonight. Drew’s coming with us, his Dad needs his help back at the business. But Jason’s going away party is tomorrow. Do you want to go?”
I hadn’t really talked with Jason since I left California. I didn’t know what to say to him anymore. I couldn’t tell him why I was sad, and he didn’t know me well enough anymore to read me like he used to be able to do. I didn’t know if I should still tell him about the baby that could have been but never was, or to protect him and carry this burden by myself. My hand floated down to my stomach for a brief second, and I could feel Drew shooting Toni a “look what you’ve done look.”
“You don’t have to go, Ell.” Nick chimed in. “We just didn’t know if you wanted too or not, and we didn’t want you to be mad if you knew we hadn’t told you.”
“No.” I said, waving off Drew who was making his way toward me. “I should be there.” I cleared my throat. “I want to be there.”

So, that was that. At first Jarren had wanted to tag along, siding up to Drew and holding on to his arm, talking about all the fun they would have. But, when she called her boss to see if she could schedule switch, he laid the smack down on her, and told her that there was no one to cover her shifts, and if she didn’t come in, she’d be let go. Again, there are many good things about Jarren, but her work ethic, like her cleaning skills, left something to be desired. She had called off and last minuted shift switched too much, and her boss was having none of it.
So, like a puppy that gets left behind while the rest of the family goes on vacation, she waved us off sadly, and much to Drew’s dismay blew a couple kisses his way. Nick laughed and shook his head, punching Drew on the shoulder and calling him lover man.

I was quiet most of the way, but about a half hour away from Nick’s house, I felt my stomach knot up.
“Do I tell him about the….” I blurted out, letting my voice trail off, not being able to say baby, nor miscarriage yet.
“I would.” Nick’s voice said.
“Why?” Toni asked, looking a little taken aback.
“Because, if someone I loved and cared about was going through something like that, I wouldn’t want them to go through it alone.”
“But, if it were me, I’d want to save you from that, and not have to carry that burden.” Toni replied.
They started to bicker, half jokingly, half seriously, about what would happen when they were married, should they be in this situation or similar. I tuned them out. I looked up at Drew, wondering what his opinion would be.
He looked down at me and watched me looking at him for a few moments, then cleared his throat.
“I can’t tell you what to do Ella, because I don’t know. I mean, if I were Jason in this situation, I would want to know. But, if I were you, I wouldn’t want to tell me and have to hurt me like that.”
I nodded. This was the argument I had been having with myself the whole way down. Once again, I was the only one who could decide. I slipped my hand into my purse and fingered the edges of the white envelope that the doctor had given me the first time I saw the little one. When he or she was just a ball of bounce. A ball of bounce with a heartbeat, I thought sadly.
With that thought in my head, my mind flicked back to the questions that were well worn. I had been over and over these, but still hadn’t come up with an answer. I knew I never would, but that didn’t stop me from visiting them. Questions like, when did the heartbeat stop, and why? Was it something I did? Something I didn’t do? Could I have prevented it in any way? Did it hurt the baby? Was this all somehow my fault?
We pulled into Nick’s, and I got out, heading for his guest bedroom. I tired easily these days and the car ride itself had worn me out. I laid on the bed in the sparsely decorated room (Nick was a charmer, not a designer) and shortly after, Drew followed. He rubbed my back in slow, smooth circles until I was asleep.
The next day, I spent wallowing. I wanted to get as much sadness as I could out, so I could at least make an attempt at looking like I enjoyed the party. I also dwelled on the should I tell him, or should I not question. I had picked a definite answer one second, and would switch the next. Both had valid, strong pro’s. Both had valid, strong cons. I still hadn’t decided when we were pulling up to Sean’s parent’s house, where the party was being thrown. I could tell by the outside that the place was packed, and I could feel the music thumping through my body already.
I exited the car and decided, this is it. He deserves to know. With a new air of confidence, I strolled towards the house.