Flashback: It seems like such fun, until you lose what you have won

I was in a daze while the doctor talked for what felt like endlessly. She said words like spontaneous abortion to describe my situation. I was annoyed at that word. That was a stupid word to describe what had happened. It made me feel like I was just out on a lovely afternoon, and decided on a whim that the shoes I was wearing would go lovely with an abortion, or something along those lines. Like it was something fun, like I had a choice in the matter.
I think she caught my cringe at the word, because she soon changed it to “missed miscarriage.”
“Normally the body would expel the fetus on it’s on. Your body doesn’t know it’s miscarried. And Ella, I’ll give you a couple of days, but if you don’t start bleeding, we’re going to have to take it out through a D&C, a dilation and curettage. I’m so sorry.” She said, squeezing my leg.
I stopped listening again. I didn’t want to know. I trusted Drew, who was looking horrified and pale, would get whatever information I needed to know.
I have no idea how I made it to the car. I have no idea how I made it through the next couple days. I have no idea how I made it to the hospital to have the D&C preformed. I felt like a shell, an empty shell. Or worse yet, I felt like a windshield, all these things were being thrown at me and all I could do was take it. I wondered if I had this all coming to me, because the baby hadn’t be a wanted one.
At some point, I broke. It was like I had been a water balloon and someone pricked me, and I was just leaking. I couldn’t stop crying. Drew tells me now that I would wake up every hour screaming “you were wanted, I wanted you, come back.”
And then, it was over. I woke up one day and showered, got dressed, and shocked the hell out of a worried Drew and Jarren.
I wasn’t OK. I still felt like my heart was broken, and it would randomly stab me in various parts of my body with it’s broken, shattered edges. But instead of depressed, I was just incredibly sad. Each day it hurt in a new way, and what hurt worse was to watch the people I loved treat me as if I was broken.
Finally, Nick decided it was time to access the damage. Drew, I guess had called him when I was in my comatose state. Nick and I had never been particularly close, but he did call himself my brother, and I suppose in a way, he was. He was that much older brother, in the sense that either he was an accident baby when your parents were too young, or you were the accident baby when your parents were too old. He wasn’t that much older than me in years, but he liked to act like it sometimes, and even though we often went long periods without talking, when he blew into town he was always here with the same amount of protectiveness and bullying.
Nick brought along his new fiancé, Toni. They had only been dating a couple of months, but I was impressed that Nick had actually settled on one particular girl. I was even more shocked when she walked into my apartment and I found out she was black.
Well, black probably isn’t the right word for it. She was a cinnamon color, her skin smooth and creamy with a slight reddish undertone.
I wasn’t shocked that she was black because Nick was a racist or anything like that. Nick got along with everyone, and it was against his nature to dislike anyone, even some people who probably should have been disliked. It was the running joke of the group that Nick could have been friends with Hitler. He was the charmer, he tended to see and bring out the best in people. Still, Nick DID always stick to a certain type of girl when he dated. It annoyed me to no end that every girl Nick brought to meet me was the blonde, leggy, smaller chested, girl next door type. Never very smart (I’m not saying blondes aren’t smart in general, but Nick did go for the stereotypical dumb blonde girls.), never with much to say except oh-mi-gawd this or that. They tended to be sweet girls, but never any real substance.
Toni was shorter, and she was thick, but not at all fat. She had these unusual, shocking green eyes, and the smallest, thinniest, longest, prettiest dreads I have ever seen. A few of the dreads were dyed a bright red, and a few more had random seashells attached to them. She wore very thin, square glasses with the black frame. She was very well endowed in the chest area, as well as the backside. She was short, thick, smart and curvy. Definitely beautiful, definitely not Nick’s type. I was happy Nick was there, and glad to finally meet Toni. I was hoping their arrival would take the spotlight off me for awhile.
But as soon as we figured out sleeping arrangements (five people in a tiny two bedroom was a tight fit. It was finally decided that since our couches were NOT the type of couches you slept on unless you wanted to visit a chiropractor for the rest of your life, that Drew and I would share Jarren’s king sized bed (she squealed in delight and made me promise to let Drew sleep next to her, moments later Drew wanted me to promise not to let her sleep next to him.) And Toni and Nick would take my double.) the attention was back on me.
After about the fifth time that Drew asked me if I wanted something to eat, Toni shot him a look.
“Drew, isn’t this Ella’s place?” She asked.
“Yeah?” He answered, confused.
“Well then, I bet she knows where the kitchen is. And she seems pretty smart so I’m sure she knows the kitchen is where the food is. So, I’m even more sure that when she gets hungry she’ll find the kitchen and make some food.” Toni said. It sounds really bitchy of her to say, and maybe it was, but the way she said it, distracted, focusing on the video game she was playing with Nick, it didn’t seem that way. And I was grateful, because Drew didn’t ask me if I was hungry or wanted some food for the rest of the night.
And when Jarren kept asking me where I was going every time I made the slightest movement, Toni looked up from her book and asked “does Ella have a tendency of getting lost in here?”
Jarren shook her head no.
“Oh,” she replied, looking back down at her book. “I just thought she did. You keep asking her where she’s going so I thought it was in case she didn’t come back you knew where to send the search party.”
Again, Jarren stopped asking me my plans every time I made a movement.

The group had also been whispering since Nick got there. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was about, but I knew it was something about me. I hated having something hidden from me like I was five. Finally, when Nick and Drew were whispering in a corner, Toni again became the only person who knew what I needed: the truth. To be dealt with like an adult. To not have the kid gloves on.
“Oh shoot you guys, just ask her.” Toni said, shooting Nick and Drew a look. When both of them looked up with shocked, round eyes, and didn’t speak, Toni sighed, exasperated. “Ella, we’re headed home tonight. Drew’s coming with us, his Dad needs his help back at the business. But Jason’s going away party is tomorrow. Do you want to go?”
I hadn’t really talked with Jason since I left California. I didn’t know what to say to him anymore. I couldn’t tell him why I was sad, and he didn’t know me well enough anymore to read me like he used to be able to do. I didn’t know if I should still tell him about the baby that could have been but never was, or to protect him and carry this burden by myself. My hand floated down to my stomach for a brief second, and I could feel Drew shooting Toni a “look what you’ve done look.”
“You don’t have to go, Ell.” Nick chimed in. “We just didn’t know if you wanted too or not, and we didn’t want you to be mad if you knew we hadn’t told you.”
“No.” I said, waving off Drew who was making his way toward me. “I should be there.” I cleared my throat. “I want to be there.”

So, that was that. At first Jarren had wanted to tag along, siding up to Drew and holding on to his arm, talking about all the fun they would have. But, when she called her boss to see if she could schedule switch, he laid the smack down on her, and told her that there was no one to cover her shifts, and if she didn’t come in, she’d be let go. Again, there are many good things about Jarren, but her work ethic, like her cleaning skills, left something to be desired. She had called off and last minuted shift switched too much, and her boss was having none of it.
So, like a puppy that gets left behind while the rest of the family goes on vacation, she waved us off sadly, and much to Drew’s dismay blew a couple kisses his way. Nick laughed and shook his head, punching Drew on the shoulder and calling him lover man.

I was quiet most of the way, but about a half hour away from Nick’s house, I felt my stomach knot up.
“Do I tell him about the….” I blurted out, letting my voice trail off, not being able to say baby, nor miscarriage yet.
“I would.” Nick’s voice said.
“Why?” Toni asked, looking a little taken aback.
“Because, if someone I loved and cared about was going through something like that, I wouldn’t want them to go through it alone.”
“But, if it were me, I’d want to save you from that, and not have to carry that burden.” Toni replied.
They started to bicker, half jokingly, half seriously, about what would happen when they were married, should they be in this situation or similar. I tuned them out. I looked up at Drew, wondering what his opinion would be.
He looked down at me and watched me looking at him for a few moments, then cleared his throat.
“I can’t tell you what to do Ella, because I don’t know. I mean, if I were Jason in this situation, I would want to know. But, if I were you, I wouldn’t want to tell me and have to hurt me like that.”
I nodded. This was the argument I had been having with myself the whole way down. Once again, I was the only one who could decide. I slipped my hand into my purse and fingered the edges of the white envelope that the doctor had given me the first time I saw the little one. When he or she was just a ball of bounce. A ball of bounce with a heartbeat, I thought sadly.
With that thought in my head, my mind flicked back to the questions that were well worn. I had been over and over these, but still hadn’t come up with an answer. I knew I never would, but that didn’t stop me from visiting them. Questions like, when did the heartbeat stop, and why? Was it something I did? Something I didn’t do? Could I have prevented it in any way? Did it hurt the baby? Was this all somehow my fault?
We pulled into Nick’s, and I got out, heading for his guest bedroom. I tired easily these days and the car ride itself had worn me out. I laid on the bed in the sparsely decorated room (Nick was a charmer, not a designer) and shortly after, Drew followed. He rubbed my back in slow, smooth circles until I was asleep.
The next day, I spent wallowing. I wanted to get as much sadness as I could out, so I could at least make an attempt at looking like I enjoyed the party. I also dwelled on the should I tell him, or should I not question. I had picked a definite answer one second, and would switch the next. Both had valid, strong pro’s. Both had valid, strong cons. I still hadn’t decided when we were pulling up to Sean’s parent’s house, where the party was being thrown. I could tell by the outside that the place was packed, and I could feel the music thumping through my body already.
I exited the car and decided, this is it. He deserves to know. With a new air of confidence, I strolled towards the house.