The years rolled slowly past, and I found myself alone

**Sorry this is late guys! It's funny because I stayed up late to make sure it was done before today, and then woke up this morning and plum forgot about it!**


Toni had tried to argue with me. She asked me what Seth thought about it, and I finally admitted that I hadn’t spoken to Seth in weeks. She wanted to dive right into it then, but thankfully I was saved by a crying baby. I was worried about her trying to argue with me when I came back, but thankfully she was too busy trying to calm down the twins who were screaming to do more than shoot me a look. I felt guilty for leaving her with two screaming babies, but it was all about self preservation at this point. Besides, I had a plane to catch.
I hadn’t told Jason I was coming. I realized that was a risk. Jason could be gone running demo’s or something, but I needed to get out. Worst case scenario, I’d be left to fend for myself. At least I wouldn’t be here. Hell, maybe out there by myself I’d find the courage to call Seth. I would call Jason when I landed and if he wasn’t able to come get me, I’d find a taxi and go to my hotel room.
I let myself fall asleep on the plane, rather than think about what I was going to say to Jason or to worry over his reaction. I thought he’d be happy I came, but I hadn’t spoken to him in a while. It would definitely surprise him, and I was just hoping it was a good surprise.
I called when we landed. Even though he was excited to hear I was in California, and was heading right over to get me, I still felt sheepish and shy when I saw him. I felt like I was starting back at square one, running away to the one who always got me into trouble.
He got me settled into my hotel, and apologized that he would have to work the majority of the time I was here. I felt a little sad at this news, but realized it was my own fault. He then took me out to dinner, and asked me why I was there. Without meaning too, I launched into the whole story, starting with the horrible Thanksgiving day surprise engagement announcement, and ending with being dismissed from work. I was surprised to hear how matter-of-fact the words sounded coming from my mouth: no emotion, just the truth. It took the whole dinner to explain everything, and after, he led me outside to take a walk on the beach. We walked in silence for a few minutes, and then Jason sat down, staring out at the water.
When Jason reached for my hand, I didn’t pull away, although I sort of wanted too. It felt nice, but I also realized it was kind of like eating a third brownie in a row. Sure, it tasted good, but how good was it for you? Still, it was just hand holding, something we used to do when we were strictly friends. So why not now?
“What are you doing here?” His voice so quiet I wasn’t quite sure he had really spoken, until he looked over at me.
“We’re sitting here, Jason.” I answered.
“You know that’s not what I meant.” He was right. I did. But I didn’t acknowledge it, hoping he’d take the hint and drop the subject.
“Ella…” His voice warned.
“Don’t do this Jas, OK?”
“I need to do this, El. We never do this, and look where we always end up. I can deal with you not wanting to be with me, but I can’t walk away knowing I never even bothered to ask. Look,” He paused, standing up to run a hand through his hair. “I love you.”
He said it so honestly that my heart broke, and his voice was so raw that I had to look away from him.
“Ella, don’t. Please don’t shut down and shut me out. I know I’ve fucked up in the past, and I can’t say that I deserve another chance, but I do think at the very least I deserve some answers and some honesty. Let’s not make the same mistakes again.”
“Ok.”
“OK?” He asked, looking bewildered. “What does that mean?”
“It means you love me. It means I’ll be honest with you, even though I know it’s not the answer you’re looking for. I’ll be honest with myself. I don’t know. That’s the honest truth of it all. I don’t know anything. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know why things happened the way they happened, with you, with Drew, with Seth. I don’t understand why I’m here when I obviously suck at life so bad, and Chloe’s dead. I don’t know why I went into a profession that makes me feel like I’m failing half the time because the system is set up to fail… My life is so full of what I don’t know, that it honestly would have been a lot easier to ask me what I do know.”
“Well?” He prompted after a beat of silence.
“Well what?” I asked, confused and slightly annoyed.
“Well, what do you know?”
I looked over at him, to see if he was being a smartass, but no. His face was devoid of humor. He wanted to know. Problem was, I had viewed it more of a rhetorical question and didn’t really know the answer.
“I know…” I stumbled a bit, unsure, but decided just to let my mouth run unfiltered for a moment. “I know I love you, too. But I don’t know if that’s good enough anymore. I don’t know if being with you is a good idea, or even right. I don’t know if I can trust you. I know I still miss Drew, and I even miss Seth. I know that I’m terrified that I’m just never going to get anything right.” I swallowed back the tears that were surprisingly building up behind my eyes. “I was once so damn sure of how everything would end up. And then even when I wasn’t, I was still sure that it would end up alright. And now I just don’t know.” I absently wiped at my eyes. “Everything changing, and I used to be so excited for change, but now I’m just… I’m tired of it. And I’m scared. I don’t know where I’m going to end up anymore. I don’t think I’m doing any of this right, and most days I feel like I go to bed with nothing accomplished.”
“Is there really a right way to do anything El? I thought the whole point of life is we all go through it partially blind. You make choices, you hope their the right ones. In the end, you never really know if they are or not.”
“I realize that. I just used to be better about leaping, and now… Now I hesitate so much, that I don’t do anything at all.”
“So kiss me now, and think about it later.”
“What?” I asked, wondering if I heard him right. I was pouring my heart out about how unsure I was, and he wanted me to kiss him?
“Kiss me now, worry later. Don’t look before you leap, Ella.”
I shook my head. “Coming, it was a mistake.”
“Ella, I was just trying…”
“You were just trying to push your agenda on me at a time when I just needed you to listen and be supportive. You can accuse me of being old and cautious Jason, but you need to grow up a little bit. Sometimes some things need time, and you’re not willing to give things time. You want what you want, and you want it now, and that’s why you always end up in so much trouble. I need to go.”