Probably wouldn't be this way....

Date night with Seth was pretty uneventful. I loved how he was with the kids, not afraid of getting down on the floor and playing with them, and I was amazed with how easily the conversation flowed between us.

And how easily the conversation flowed into kissing. How good that kissing was. We made out on the couch like teenagers, and while Seth’s stubble gave me a little bit of a burn, I loved the feeling of kissing him, the feel of his hands running up my body, stopping short in some places, unsure if he should continue or not. It really was like we were back in high school, and for some people that may have been annoying, but for me… Well, it was fun.

Just like high school, though, we got caught. Matt walked in and flicked on the lights.

“Get a room!” He grumbled embarassidly before he turned and walked away.

Seth left shortly after that, giving me one last slow goodnight kiss at the door.

“See you tomorrow?” He asked.

“Yup. Bright and early.” I replied.

I had originally planned on staying as far away from the house as possible. It would have been awkward for me to be there, and there wasn’t much for me to do anyway. Helping them would only lead to me hindering them, I’d either end up breaking something or needing to go to the hospital (I had once tried to help my Dad with remodels. It ended up with my hammering my hand and breaking it. Not fun.) But then Nick asked me to stay around, to be the runner if they needed anything, that way the guys wouldn’t have to stop what they were doing in order to leave to pick up food or supplies. I had told him that I’d stay at my own house and he could call if they needed anything, but then Toni asked me to sew a few things for the kids room, and Nick had already set up the sewing machine in Drew’s room (the one room that was finished. They had worked on that first so Drew would have some place suitable to sleep.)

I dragged my feet on the way over to the house. I didn’t want to go. Didn’t want to see Jason. Didn’t want to see the boys interact with each other. I kept telling myself over and over again that we were all adults, it would be OK, we were doing this for Toni and the new babies. While I wanted to help her as much as possible, I still didn’t want to do this. My feet kept on though, and before I knew it, I was standing on Toni’s front porch. I was trying to pep myself up to walk in, when the door swung open.

Jason.

I was not prepared to see him, and even if I thought I was prepared… Well, I would have been wrong. My heart swooped and hammered against my chest, it was so loud I was embarrassed, certain he could hear it.

“Oh. Hey.” He said, looking just as surprised as I felt. “I was wondering when I’d be seeing you.” He added with a small smile.

“Well. Now, I guess.” I stuttered.

“What?” He asked, looking confused.

“You said you were wondering when you’d be seeing me… Now... You’ll be seeing me now.” I babbled. “Never mind.” I said, waving it off. “Hi. How are you?”

I felt like a total idiot, though I’m not really sure why it mattered. Normally if you liked a guy, you wanted to impress him so he’d want to be with you, but I already knew I couldn’t be with Jason. Too much history, too much there. Still, I knew I looked like an idiot in front of him, and I hated that.

He looked good, too. His normally pasty Irish white skin had some color in it, not a lot, but enough to make us stop calling him Casper. His hair had grown out a little from his crew cut, and he just had a look to him… I realized the last couple times I had seen him, he looked… Tense. Now he looked more carefree. It angered me for a second, knowing that the reason must have been Kayla, and now that he was free of her he was happy. But I couldn’t blame him really. Sure, the way he went about breaking up with her… Well, that was horrible, but overall you can’t help who you love, and if Jason didn’t love Kayla the best thing for both of them was to go their separate ways. I just wish he had done it in the proper way.

“So. Can I get a hug?” He asked. His tone was joking, but I could see the hesitation in his eyes. He didn’t know where we stood, and neither did I for that matter.

“Sure.” I answered, not really so sure it was a good idea.

It wasn’t. Just like I was unprepared for seeing him again, I was unprepared for the feelings that washed over me when I was in his arms. I cut the hug short and stepped back.

“Anyone else here?” I asked, brushing past him and into the house.

“Drewbie’s upstairs, Nick’s in the kitchen with your roommate…”

“Matt?”

“Yeah. And there’s a car pulling up now so… Those must be your other friends.”

“Seth and Ian.” I said, peeking out the window. Seth saw me as he was stepping out of his car and waved.

“Everyone’s here!” Jason called as he went to sit on the couch. “Nick wanted to meet up with us all, he thinks it’s best if we split off into teams and tackle different rooms. His big goal is to get the twin’s room down and the kids by the end of the weekend.”

“He thinks he’s going to get three rooms done in a weekend?”

“Well, actually, more like three and a half. Drew’s been working on the twin’s room and he’s gotten a big chunk down. There’s just laying the floor and painting… So he’s hoping to get that knocked out and started on their room. He really wants to move Toni in. I mean trading spaces does a room in two days, there’s six of us, so we should be able to do a room a piece in two days, that’s three rooms.”

“Trading spaces also has their own carpenters and designers.” I countered.

“Yeah, but we’re not designing really. Toni’s ordering the furniture and all that, all we need to do is put in some new floors and hang some light fixtures and paint the walls. It shouldn’t take that long.”

“Famous last words.” I said, smirking.

“You’ll see.” He said.

Our banter almost felt like old times, where Jason and I could just talk and joke back and forth without worrying about feelings or getting hurt. Then everyone walked into the room, and it suddenly got… Weird.

Drew came down the stairs just as Nick and Matt walked in from the kitchen. A few minutes later Seth poked his head in the door.

“Hello?” He called.

“We’re in here!” I called back.

He walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing my right behind the ear. I don’t know if I was being paranoid, but it’s like the room froze, and a stormy look crossed over both Drew’s and Jason’s faces. I glanced from Drew to Jason, unsure of how to react. This was such an odd situation to be in, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

I untangled myself from Seth’s arms and leaned back to kiss him on the cheek.

“Hey.” I said, “this is Nick, Drew, Jason, and Matt.” I pointed to each one as I said their names, and they all offered a wave or a nod. “Guys, this is Seth and his brother Ian.”

“Thanks so much for offering to help. I really appreciate it.” Nick said. “Now I’m going to get right down to business. My wife is pregnant with twins, she had a little scare, and now I’m trying to keep the stress down, and I need to get this house done as soon as possible. Now what I thought we’d do…”

“Nicky, I’m just gonna go on and start working. You all can holler if you need me.” I said, heading out.


I was glad to be away from them all. It was just too weird, and I felt like my every move was being analyzed. There were also too many feelings to consider. I didn’t want to be all touchy feely with Seth, and hurt Drew or Jason. But, I also didn’t want to snub Seth, who was kind enough to come help out with something that totally wasn’t his problem.

I rubbed the back of my neck as I started working on the curtains Toni had asked me to make.

This was going to be one long weekend.


*sorry guys, I know this is a little shorter than normal, and kind of boring... We had a long week of fun things for Cayden. The sun was FINALLY out so we went to the zoo on Thursday and again on Saturday, a park on Friday, and then Sunday we took him to COSI which is a really cool hands on science museum. Anyway, I didn't get around to writing, and on top of that, my Mom seems to think Cayden might be getting an ear infection, so I was kind of pressed. Plus, I don't really know what I want to happen... So. I'll try to make tomorrows post worth it, as long as I don't have to take Cayden to the ER/Doctor!*

Toni's POV: Lucky to have been where I have been

She had never really had an opinion on ceilings. Never really thought of them until now. It wasn’t because of the remodel that she was now considering them, but because of the insane amount of time she was spending on her back as of lately.
Ha, had she said that outloud, Nick would have chimed in with some stupid comment about how lying on her back got her into this mess, even though he knew full and well that she was rarely on her back, even during that. It was one of the things he had liked most about her, her willingness to try anything and to avoid the ordinary.
But, back to ceilings. Everyone was babying her since she left the hospital, and she hated it. Every time they spotted her up, they told her to go lay back down, and she wanted to scream and rip out her hair. Oh sure, the first day it was nice, having her feet propped up and staying in PJ’s all day, reading whatever she wanted and having whatever she wanted brought to her. But, it had gotten old fast, and that’s when she started staring at the ceilings.

She hated Ella’s popcorn ceilings, and promised herself that as soon as the remodel was done and the babies were born that she and Ella would set to work on remodeling Ella’s house. It would be a way to pay her back, both for her kindness, and for the unusual punishment of banning someone to stay in bed all the time. She knew popcorn ceilings were a pain in the neck to get rid of, at least that’s what all the remodel shows said. That was the other thing she was doing. Staring at the ceilings and watching every show ever made about house remodeling – design on a dime, while you were out, trading spaces, even extreme home makeover, but she wouldn’t watch the last one when anyone else was around. It made her cry EVERY time, no matter how hard she tried to fight it. She blamed both the cabin fever she had from being confined to bed, and the extra pregnancy hormones.

She was actually relieved when her Mom offered to come get her, which was surprising. She had avoided her parents house since her Dad died, only stopping in for brief visits, and trying to stick to the rooms where she felt her Dad’s ghost the least. This trip would be harder, her first overnight back home, and when her Mom first said she was coming, she tried to think up excuses to stay at Ella’s instead. But, then the boredom set in, and Toni knew she had to get out of here before she lost her mind. She hoped her Mom would be more laxed on the “relaxation” rule the doctor had given her. But, she realized that even if her Mom wasn’t, there were still ways to trick her. There, her mother would be the only person to watch her, and Toni knew how easy it was to get distracted with Kyle and Izzy around. All she had to do was ask her Mom to take them away for the afternoon, so Toni could rest, and she would at least be able to roam the house without people breathing down her neck and telling her that she should be in bed with her feet up. She was still nervous about going to her Parent’s house until last night when she got up to use the bathroom and had three different people ask her what she was doing and where she was going. She knew she had control issues, but seriously, a grown woman should be able to go to the bathroom on her own without having to answer to anyone!

The worst part was, she couldn’t even really blame them for being so concerned. Toni herself was pretty worried over the whole situation. She kept replaying over and over in her head that moment that she felt the sharp stabbing pain cut through her. She was so worried that moving wrong and laughing wrong, or doing something would bring that pain back again. She was worried that when she went back to the doctor again, that they’d find one baby, and not two, or even none at all.

Still, every time Nick asked her if she was worried, she said no. She knew he was looking to her to be strong, and since she couldn’t be strong physically, well then, she’d just have to be strong mentally. Besides, it had been a long night in the hospital, one spent fighting with God. She wondered why he had given her such a heavy load, one that she at first wasn’t sure she wanted, and now that she knew she wanted it, one that she wasn’t sure she could carry. She had two other kids to take care of, and now he wanted her to put it all on hold for these two? When they might not even make it themselves? Why would he do that? It didn’t seem fair.

In the end though, she realized, that God had yet to give her too much to handle, and in every hard time she had ever faced, she had always learned an important lesson at the end. It was hard, it was scary, it was frustrating, but if she got through it, she would be blessed with two more adorable children. If they didn’t make it through… Well, she wasn’t sure what the lesson in that would be. Maybe how amazing her family and friends were? But she knew that now. How precious her children were too her, and how delicate their lives were? Well, she knew that too. So the only answer she had was, that it was going to be OK. She just had to trust in that.

“You’re Mom called. She’ll be here in ten.” Nick said, coming into Ella’s bedroom and stretching out next to Toni on his stomach.

“I better make sure all my stuff is together. And check the bags for the kids.” Toni answered, starting to heft herself up.

“Hey, don’t worry about all that. Your stuff is by the door and I packed the kids bags.” Nick answered, reaching for Toni.

“I know. That’s why I need to check the bag!” Toni said, laughing. Nick rolled his eyes, and Toni settled back down next to him.

“You sure you wanna go? I’m sure your Mom wouldn’t mind staying here and visiting.”

“Ohhh, yeah, good plan. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind sleeping in Kyle’s bed with him.” Toni answered sarcastically.

“I feel like I don’t get to spend any time with you anymore.” Nick whined.

“I know. It has been crazy.” She said, raking her nails lightly over his scalp. “But you’re going to be busy this weekend anyway, with the house.”

“With all those guys there, they wouldn’t mind if I ducked out for a little bit and spent some time with you.” Nick responded.

“Oooh no. You can’t bail on Ella like that. That’s a testosterone fueled disaster waiting to happen and I need to know there’s going to be an adult there to supervise.”

“It’s full of adults.”

“No. It’s full of boys who all like the same girl. I can promise you, they’re going to be trying to either one up each other, or fight. You need to be the level headed one in all of that.”

“Awww, I can’t egg it on?” Nick whined.

“You can, a little, but make sure you end it before it comes to blows.” Toni said, smiling at him.

They were quiet for a moment, cuddling and enjoying the company. In moments like these, Toni honestly loved her life, and questioned just how she got so lucky.

“ Since you won’t be here on Sunday, do you want your Valentines Day gift now?”

“You got me a gift?” Toni asked, looking at him. “When did you manage that?”

“Oh, my dear sweet wife, has your husband ever let you down on a Holiday? Even a silly fake made up one? I have my ways.” He said, grinning at her.

“You’re such a cheeseball. Of course I want my gift!” She said, sitting up in anticipation.

“You sure? You don’t really seem excited about it.” He said, teasing her.

“Give me my gift!” She said, slapping him gently on the arm.

He laughed and sat up, pulling an envelope out of his back pocket.

She took it, wondering what it could be. A gift certificate? Tickets to something? Only one way to find out. She opened it, and was unable to hide her disappointment when all that was in it was a picture of a necklace.

“No offense Nicky, the picture’s nice, but I’d rather have the real thing.”

He laughed. “I know. I’m going to get you the real thing… Only it’s a family necklace. The necklace is made up of the birthstones of our family. See, you’re going to be in the middle, because you’re the center of this family, and then Kyle’s and Izzy’s will be on either side of you, and mine’s going to be above yours… But I wanted to wait to see what month the twins were born in before I had it made. I know what month they’re supposed to be born in… But…” He trailed off.

“I love it.” Toni said, trying not to cry. “Seriously Nicky, it’s great. I just wish I didn’t have to wait so long to get it.”

“I know, but it’ll be worth it, right?” He asked, his eyes searching hers. She knew he wasn’t just talking about the necklace.

“Of course Nick. It’s always worth it.” She said, sincerely.

He leaned forward and kissed her gently, and she felt her annoyance with him melt away. He had been the worse about babying her, but she realized now that he was just scared. He felt his role was to protect them all, her and the kids, and this was the one instance where he just couldn’t protect them, there was nothing he could do.

Still, she had a sudden calming feeling was over her, and she was suddenly sure that everything would turn out OK.

Cuz I've got friends in low places...

The week had already been hectic and odd, and while the weekend was usually a time for relaxation for me, I was not looking forward to the weekend, not even a tiny bit.

First, Matt had asked me to set him up with Jarren. I had no clue he had ever been interested in Jarren, not even when they first met. In fact, I thought she had kind of annoyed him. I didn’t want to set Matt up with her, I didn’t think they’d be a good match, and I didn’t really want to call her. But, I knew that by saying no… Well, it would make me look childish and even a little suspicious. Sure, I was fighting with Jarren, but I was also a grown adult. I couldn’t hold a grudge, especially over something that looking back, seemed so minor. If I didn’t make up with her, I’d look juvenile, like I was stamping my feet and throwing a temper tantrum. If I did make up with her, but still refused to hook Matt up with her, I would look like I had feelings for Matt. And I didn’t….

Did I?

Whatever. I don’t even want to go there, there’s too many other things going on, with Jason coming into town, and Drew and Seth, and then Toni and the kids. Way too much going on to even think about it.

Anyway, so now, I had to call Jarren, and I had to make up with her. Well, I guess I didn’t have too, but I was going too. I kind of wanted too… I didn’t really want to be Jarren’s friend again, I didn’t trust her, and after our fight, I realized that I hadn’t even really liked her for awhile. But… Well, I hated to know there was anyone out there who I was fighting with, who I had bad blood with. And while I didn’t really like Jarren, or want to spend any time with her, I did still care about her. She had been my friend for a long time, and we did used to be really good friends. I wanted to make sure she was OK, and I wanted her to know that I’d always be here for her, even if we didn’t talk on a regular basis.

Still, I was worried how Jarren would react. She was random in her responses, she could be cold, she could be irate, she could be excited… Or she may pick up like we never had our fight at all. With everything else going on, I didn’t really want to deal with it. At least not right now.

I had tried to put it off, I had originally told Matt I would go home and call Jarren, but it was easy to “forget” about it. I was helping Toni pack, giving the kids a bath, and fielding emails from the craigslist ad that Matt posted for a Mother’s helper.

I wanted to keep putting it off, but with the weekend looming ahead, I just kind of wanted it to be over with. It would be one less thing on my plate, one less thing to worry about, one less thing to deal with and do.

However, I did cut myself a break, and instead of calling, I took the easy way out. Thank you, facebook.

Jarren-

Hey, it’s me. I don’t know if you’re still pissed at me or not. I’m still a little irked with you, but the fact of the matter is, you were a big part of my life for a really long time. I don’t know if we could ever be friends again, maybe our life has just gone in two different directions, but I would like to keep in touch, just to know that you’re OK. I’ll be here for you if you ever need me, even if you decide not to talk to me anymore. If you do decide you want to talk though, the numbers still the same.

-Ella

Ten minutes later, my phone rang.

“Damn her and her addiction to facebook.” I mumbled to myself when I looked at the caller ID and say that it was Jarren. I did want to deal with it, wanted to get it over with, but I thought I’d have a little more time before I had to do it.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hey.” Jarren said. “I got your email.”

“Oh…” Was my witty and insightful response.

We sat in silence for a second.

“Look. I’m sorry for what I said. I knew you were having a rough time, and I gloated in it. I know it sounds horrible, and it was, but… I don’t know. It’s always been kind of hard to be your friend.”

“What? Why?” I asked.

“I don’t know…” She trailed off and was quiet for a moment. “Things just seemed… Easy for you. I mean you always had all the guys, and you knew what you were doing with your life. You had a job that you liked, that you were good at, that was doing good for other people. I mean even your Jason drama… That was pretty romantic. And New Years… I was the one who had it going for me. I had a boyfriend, and I had a good job, and you needed me. I know I took advantage of it. I feel horrible for it, and I was a horrible friend because of it, I know that. I’m glad you were the bigger person and emailed me… I wanted to call you, but I was kind of afraid too.”

I was quiet for a second. My first reaction to be pissed, what she did was a shitty thing, and no real friend would kick you when you were down. I almost wanted to hang up on her, to be done with it. But Matt had asked me for a favor, and he had been so good about helping me out that I wanted to help him out, even if I did think being with Jarren was a bad idea. And after I thought about it for a second, I did feel a little bad for Jarren. I mean how she reacted was wrong, there were no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. But we had all been in that place, where we weren’t quite good enough, where we weren’t the pretty one, where we weren’t in the limelight. It was hard to be in that place, and Jarren had been in that place for years. I could see how that could grate on her.

“Ella? Are you there?”

“I’m still here.” I answered.

“Are you mad?” She asked.

I thought about lying to her, and telling her no. She sounded scared, and I knew it had taken a lot for her to admit all that to me. She could have pretended everything was fine, she didn’t have to say any of those things to me. But she did. I admired her for that, but because I admired her, I knew I owed her the truth.

“Yeah, to be honest, I am kind of mad.” I answered. “I don’t want to fight with you anymore Jarren. I have a ton of stuff going on right now, and it’s really the last thing I need. But I need to say this, and I don’t want you to get defensive and mad. I know it won’t be easy to hear, but please trust that it comes from a good place.”

“OK.” She said, reluctantly after a moments hesitation.

“I know what it’s like to feel jealous and insignificant, so I’m sorry you felt like that. I really am. But the thing is… I never tried to make you feel like that. I never went out of my way to make you feel like that, I didn’t try to gloat, or rub your face in my successes. I just tried to be there for you, tried to help you out, tried to be your friend. What you did? Is really immature, and that is not what a friend does. I really think you have a lot to learn, and a lot of growing up to do. I mean that in the nicest way possible, Jar. I’m just so frustrated with you, because you used to have all these hopes and dreams, and I know you can achieve them, but it’s almost like you’re expecting it to just be handed to you. Everything I have? I worked for, and I earned. It wasn’t easy, and I deserve it.”

She was quiet for a long while. So quiet I thought she had hung up.

“So. Why did you call?”

“Well. I do want to try to be your friend. I don’t know if we can Jarren, but I do want to try. Like I said, I do care about you.”

“OK.” She responded.

There was an awkward silence for a moment, and I struggled with how to bring Matt into the picture.

“So. You still seeing Greg?” I asked.

“I don’t know. It’s complicated… He went on this Spring Break tour. We’re on again off again all the time. Right now I’m pretty sure we’re off, and it might be for good.”

“Well. I’m sorry to hear that… But, you know, Matt? I think you met him once. The really tall guy? He was asking about you….”

WW: Close my eyes and I count to 10, make everything be wonderful again

Hey guys-

So, I already wrote Whatever Wednesday. Sometimes I do it in advance, like I do my other posts, because sometimes if I wait till Wednesday, I can't think of a thing to write.

This Wednesday was going to be a vent... It was a somewhat trying weekend where I basically felt like my friends didn't respect my time. The fact of the matter is, a lot of them don't. I get blown off a lot, and it's irritating and annoying, but I just couldn't write about that this week.

I was at the gym the other day and I was irritated because when I got there, I realized my MP3 player was dead, and my phone was dying. I settled in for what I knew would be a boring workout with no distractions to keep my mind off the time. I turned on the TV, which I rarely watch at the gym, and coverage of Chile was on.

They flashed to siblings, one little boy, two older-ish girls (still children though) who were sobbing. They had subtitles on, but the pain was evident in their voice, along with one word: Papa. They were looking for their father, and begging people to help them look for him.

I started crying at the gym. Many emotions flashed through me... For one, I was pissed, bad things shouldn't happen to good people, and bad things definately shouldn't happen to children. Then I was also angry... Why were the video cameras just standing there? Put them down, go help them find their Daddy! I know it's impractical... I knew there are rules to follow and things are still dangerous there, but still... I couldn't help but think of Cayden, and picture him as that poor little boy, who had to have been terrified, just wanting to find his Dad. I wanted to get off my bike and go right then, help find people's Daddy's and Mom's and Aunt's and Uncle's and cousins and sisters and brothers and friends...

Then it seems, reading messages where people ask for donations, there are those few people who pop up: "Why should we help others? People in our own country need help first."

Yes. There are people in our country who need help too. But I don't get this us-or-them mentality. In the end, we are all people, and we should be helping each other out. The fact of the matter is, if we ALL took time and helped out as much as we could... Well, I just highly doubt anyone would be in need anymore. I just think it's ridiculous that at this point in time, all people don't have their basic needs met, no matter their nationality.

Anyway... I just couldn't complain about something so petty as my friends snubbing me when their are children out there who don't know where their Daddy is. A couple of people have posted where you can donate in the comments section, and I highly urge you to donate. Again, I know money is tight, but five and ten dollars can go a long long way, and I'm sure you could scrounge up ten bucks.

At least that story had a happy ending though. We were at the gym last night, and my husband pointed up to the TVs on the wall. He meant to show me some goofy music video they were showing, where Michael Jackson was in this skin tight sequined body suit, but I thought he was pointing out the other TV, which was showing those kids again. I was horrified, I just couldn't watch again, but like any trainwreck, I couldn't take my eyes away from it. Luckily, they flashed to the kids, with their Dad. He had been trying to find them, he was alive, and they were back together again. I hope we can all donate so that maybe more families can have a happy ending.
On a lighter note, I thought I'd update you guys on the weight loss dealio. I've been pretty much losing at least 2 lbs a week since I started (in the beginning, I was losing a lot more, like 10 lbs and 6 lbs, but now I'm usually around 2 lbs), and I am now down 27 lbs. I'm feeling pretty good. I know a couple of you had talked about trying to lose weight, how are you guys doing?

Matt's POV: How can I get next to her, now tell me how it's gonna be done?

Authors Note: Hey guys, I told you guys I was going to try something different when I ended the flashbacks, and while I had been kicking around a few ideas, here's what I decided on. Every once in awhile (and I'm not sure if I'll be doing it every other one, like I was doing with the Flashbacks, although this week we do have two POV posts) I'll be posting an entry from someone else's point of view. Sometimes Ella will be involved, sometimes she won't. I'm not sure how well it'll work, or if I'll keep it, but like I said, I have this one and another one written, so, we'll try it out and see how it goes!

Matt was not doing as well with being single as he had hoped. He had forgotten how much time he spent with Kellie. Well, not really. He had known he’d spent just about every waking second with her, when he wasn’t at school or work, but he had thought he could spent that time doing other things. He had planned to go out with buddies, to just… Do whatever he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it. No girlfriend to call and check in with, nobody begging for quality time. It sounded selfish, and he supposed it was, but he had spent the majority of high school catering to Kellie and their relationship. His friends were off on camping trips and dancing with whatever girl they wanted too at the dances, and he was with Kellie. He still wouldn’t have changed that, he had a good time in high school, and he had loved Kellie. Then, things changed. He started resenting her and her needs. That’s when he knew it was time to end things.

He still thought it would be easier than what it turned out to be. And then… It wasn’t. It seemed that rather than just go out and have fun, his guy friends were trying to find girls. Those who weren’t trying to find girls were already in a relationship, and spending time with their girlfriends. He couldn’t get away from it, and it was starting to wear on him.

It also didn’t help much that his one relationship-free zone had been the gym. He and Ed would go, sometimes with James or some of the other guys, and work out. While they may talk about girls, it was locker room talk. Not serious, not romantic, not relationships. That all got messed up when he had messed around with Amber. He had a bad feeling about that one, but again, he didn’t have much practice being single. He had thought one of the things he had missed out on were random hook-ups or friends with benefits… And it turns out, once again, he wasn’t missing out on much. Sure, it didn’t help that Amber was totally nuts, but even if she wasn’t… There was something missing from all that. Not that he’d ever admit it out loud… But when he had told Ella it wasn’t his thing, well. He meant it.

His relationship with Amber had ruined more than just Ella’s car. It had ruined his time at the gym. He still went, but he had to try to plan his hours for when he thought Amber wouldn’t be there. Most of the time he was able to plan right, but there had been a few misses, awkward moments. Amber hadn’t said anything to him yet, but she would stare at him. It unnerved him. He tried not to let it get to him, but he always ended up cutting the workouts short and leaving early.

Still, just because she wouldn’t talk to him in person doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t talk to him at all. She had sent him a couple of facebook messages, some were mean, blaming him, accusing him or lying, or being manipulative, playing games. Some were begging almost… She blamed Ella, said she knew he had feelings for her, but Ella didn’t feel the same way, and it was obvious, and blah blah blah.

He hadn’t written back. He wanted her to stop, to leave him alone, and he wanted to ask her if she was the one behind the toilet papering and keying of Ella’s car. But, he highly doubted he’d get a honest answer anyway, and he didn’t want to risk adding fuel to that fire. So, he left it alone.

His feelings for Ella were harder to ignore. He tried to fight it for as long as he could… Tried to ignore and deny it. He had felt that… Spark the very first time he met her. He was with Kellie then, so he behaved himself. Then he wasn’t with Kellie, but didn’t make a play for Ella because… Well, he thought he needed to be single for awhile. But then came all the Jason mess, and well… It made him angry, at both Jason and at Ella.

He couldn’t understand why Jason would have a girl like Ella, and dick around as much as he had. And he couldn’t understand why Ella would put up with it. It had almost ruined their friendship, and whatever chances he had, especially when he threw away that letter Jason sent.

He was honestly just trying to do what he thought was best. He realized now that it wasn’t his decision to be made, but he honestly just wanted to protect Ella. However, he noticed there were a lot of guys around who just wanted to protect Ella, and he was just another one. He had hated Ella with Jason, but Drew was worse, mainly because Matt realized that Drew was a good guy. He deserved Ella, and because of that, Matt just couldn’t be mad about it.

But then she and Drew broke up, and he had thought about making a move. However, wouldn’t it be weird? They were living together, and he didn’t want to mess anything up. He hesitated too long, and before he knew it, someone else had swooped it and scooped her up.

He didn’t know Seth well, couldn’t really gauge whether or not he was a good guy. Sure, he was good looking. All the girls at work stood at the gym doors spying whenever he gave a class, and they always made comments. But cute wasn’t enough for Ella, she was… Amazing. She deserved more than that.

He spotted her walking past his room, her arms full of toys and she was balancing the phone between her ear and shoulder. Probably talking to Seth, hammering out details for this weekend. He wasn’t happy about working with all of Ella’s men. He and Drew got along fine, but he had never really met Jason, and didn’t have a desire too. Nick was fine, but Ian and Seth were unknowns. But, he knew Toni needed their help, and he was willing to do that for her.

Ella had hung up the phone.

“Hey El?” He called, sitting up.

“Yeah?” She answered, poking her head into his room.

“It’s been awhile since we hung out. You want to go grab a burger?”

“Sure.” She said, smiling a smile that made his stomach flip. “Let me grab my coat and see if Nick and Toni want anything.”

A few seconds later, she was sitting next to him in the car.

“So. How you been? I feel like you and I haven’t talking lately.” He asked.

“I see you all the time.” She said, laughing.

“I know, but it’s been crazy around the house.”

“Yeah.” She agreed. “It has been. I’ve been good. Just trying to deal. How about you? Any new girls?”

“Nope.”He answered, sounding a little shorter than he meant too. “I’m kind of afraid to try to meet anyone. I know it sounds stupid, but after the Amber mess… I just don’t want to meet any more crazy girls.”

“You see her at all?” Ella asked.

“From time to time, at the gym.”

“Awkward.”

“Yeah.” Matt said, laughing. “A little bit.”

“Well. I wish I knew more girls. I could try to hook you up. But you know all the girls I know, and their either not right for you, or taken.”

“What about your friend?” He asked, wrinkling his forehead, trying to remember her name. “I only met her a couple of times… Jared? Something like that.”

“You mean Jarren?” She asked, sounding surprised.

“Yeah. What’s wrong with her?”

“She and I don’t talk anymore. We kind of got into it.” Ella responded, looking distracted.

“Oh. Well, you should talk to her again, see if she’d want to hang out sometime.”

Ella wrinkled her nose. “I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” Matt asked. “C’mon Ella, don’t leave me hanging.” He joked.

“I just don’t think she’s your type. Plus I would think she’s borderline crazy, and wouldn’t be shocked at all if she went the way of Amber.”

“I think I could handle it.” Matt answered.

Ella laughed. “Yeah, that’s what you said about Amber, and look what happened with that.”

“I know.” Matt said, smiling.

“Seriously though, why are you pushing this so hard?” Ella asked, looking at him seriously.

“I don’t know.” Matt said shrugging. He really didn’t know why. He had met Jarren once, couldn’t even remember her name. She obviously wasn’t anything special. “ I just don’t know where to meet girls. I mean I don’t want to do the whole bar thing, and I really hate the idea of doing something like online dating… It’s not that serious yet. I mean Valentine’s Day is this weekend, and I’m going to be spending it in a house with a bunch of sweaty guys doing construction work.” He shrugged again. “It’s just my first Valentine’s Day alone, and I know it sounds lame, but it’s kinda hitting me harder than I thought it would.”

Ella was quiet for a second.

“Well. I mean, Jarren was a really good friend of mine… I mean what she did was shady, but… I dunno, I guess I should check in with her and maybe make up. But, I make no promises. She may still be pissed at me. Or she could still be dating Greg. And, even if she’s not, I’m warning you, there’s a very real chance she’s crazier than Amber.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Matt said, smiling and waving her off.

It hit him then, that what he was really hoping to do was made Ella a little jealous. He wasn’t sure why he wanted to do it, maybe so he could get a gauge on whether or not she felt the same sparks he did. He knew it could backfire on him, but really, it was too late to change his mind now.

“I’ll call her when we get back.” Ella said, and Matt felt a little bad, because she looked a little uncomfortable with the idea.

“You don’t have too, if you really don’t want too. I don’t even know what happened between you two and if there’s really bad blood…” Matt trailed off.

“No.” She said, and then again, “no. It’s fine, really. Jarren and I have done this on and off for years, fought and made up.” She paused, looking out the window.
“Besides. Maybe you two will click. It would be nice to see you with someone.” She said, glancing back at him and smiling again.

He tried to ignore the pang in his stomach when she said that. Ella wouldn’t be jealous at all.

“Well. Thanks.” He replied.

Laura B made a good point this morning, and because I sometimes tend to be like Ella (I don't try to be self centered, but sometimes I'm just kind of dumb and don't think about things.) I didn't realize... I'm lucky and I have readers around the world, something I always thought was amazing. Here I am, sitting in little ole Columbus Ohio, and someone is reading what I wrote halfway around the world.

I know I have at least one reader who said she was in Chile. I'm sure you all heard of the horrible Earthquake that hit there, and I want to check in to make sure everyone's OK, and if anybody who may live in Chile needs anything (that last part is a stupid thing, I realize, of course they need things, but basically, what can we do to help?)

So Fenhu, PLEASE check in if you're able. And anyone else who may live in Chile, check in as well. And if you are able to give to relief efforts, please do so.

Thanks so much guys.

You make it easier when life gets hard

Mama Rivers was very understanding about the situation we were in with Toni and the kids.

“You stay home with the youngsters today.” She said, when I called work this morning. “They’re probably pretty scared over the events that happened last night. Settle them in today, and tomorrow, you can bring them into work with you. We’ll figure it out Ella.”

“Thank you so much, Mama Rivers. I’m sorry, by the way, for all the trouble…”

“No trouble at all, Ella. It takes a village, you know.” She said.

As I hung up the phone, I could almost picture the twinkle that must have been in her eye as she said that last part, a smile on her worn face. Mama Rivers was one of the kindest people I’ve ever known, and I was so blessed not only to have her as a boss, but just to know her.

I threw in some laundry, made the kids breakfast, and then called Toni while they were eating.

“How are things?” She asked.

“Pretty good. Though Kyle keeps asking for you.”

“I’ll be home soon, they said I could be discharged sometime this afternoon.”

“Well. Matt and I are working on arrangements for the kids…”

“I don’t need any arrangements, they’re my kids, I’ll talk care of them.” Toni protested.

“Toni, I know you’re feeling pretty helpless right now, and I know you’re not used to people taking care of you. But the thing is, you have the most important job out of all of us. You need to keep those two little babies safe. None of us can do that. So please, let us make your job easier, and try to help make it more successful.”

“Nick’s taking the week off.” Toni grumbled. “I tried to tell him to go back to work, but he wouldn’t hear of it. And his boss wouldn’t either.”

“Well good.” I said, laughing at Toni. She hated having to depend on others. “That’ll give us time to find a sitter.”

“Oh if you think I’m leaving the kids with anyone I don’t know, you’ve GOT to be crazy, not after what that poor excuse for a human did to my kids…”

“Calm down, Toni… I don’t expect you to leave the kids with anyone. We’ve worked it out so the kids can be in daycare a couple days a week, and Matt and I were talking last night and we’re going to try to find a mother’s helper. Someone who would be here with you here too. Just to do the heavy lifting and stuff. You’d know she or he was doing their job, because you’d be here too.”

“Well. It sounds like it might work.” She said, hesitantly.

“Look, I know you’re just trying to do what’s best for the kids, and I know you feel like you didn’t protect them. I feel like that too. I mean, I’m the one who found her… And I will never forgive myself for letting her do what she did. I mean, I know the kids weren’t seriously hurt… But the thought of what could have happened? Scares me a lot. I want you to know that I’m really sorry. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep all of your kids safe. Including the unborn ones. But you have to let me help you, OK?”

Toni sighed. “Oh Ella, it’s not your fault. You did what you were supposed to do. I met the girl, I thought she seemed normal. I mean it’s not going to help to dwell on what did happen or what could have happened… I mean if I thought about everything that COULD happen to my kids… Well. We’d never leave the house. And I know that I’m not always open to help. I like doing things by myself. This is going to be hard on me. But, you are right. My number one priority right now is to keep these babies safe, since I’m the only one who can do it…. Well. I guess I’ll have to accept everyone’s help with everything else.”

“Well. Good. And look, I’ve decided that you should take my bed. I should have offered it to you in the beginning, and I don’t know why I didn’t, I just didn’t think about it.”

“I can’t take your bed Ella, I’ve already put you out so much…”

“No you haven’t. Besides, the upstairs was supposed to be my master suite anyway. Maybe after all your remodeling is done, I can get Drew to fix up the upstairs. And the only way to see if it’s suitable is to sleep in it. So, you’re taking my room. Matt’s going to set up Kyle’s toddler bed in the office, and I’ll keep Izzy with me.”

“You and Drew are talking now?” Toni asked.

“Yeah…” I said, and then I replayed last nights events.

“You two are SO meant for each other.” She said, the smile evident in her voice.

“Yeah.” I sighed. “I know. The question though really, is just when? I mean should I break up with Seth?”

“No. I don’t think so. I mean Drew said it himself, he’s dealing with his issues, and so I don’t think he wants a relationship right now. Besides, you like Seth, right?”

“Yeah. But not as much as Drew.”

“Well, of course you don’t. You’ve known Seth what? A week? And you’ve known Drew for years. Get to know Seth better. In the end, we could all be wrong, and Seth could be the one for you. Take your time, have some fun. You’ll know when – and if – it’s time to go back to Drew.”

“Well, you’ll get a laugh out of this.” I said, after a moment of silence. “Not only did Seth agree to help with the remodel on the weekends, but Drew also agreed. The cherry on the top? Jason’s coming into town to help as well.”

“Oooh boy.” She said laughing. “That, I’ll be sorry to miss. You’ll have to video tape it. Maybe we could sell it, or sell tickets.”

“You aren’t going to be here to see it in person?” I asked, confused.

“No. My Mom’s coming Friday to pick me and the kids up. We’re going to stay with her for a few days. She won’t believe I’m fine until she sees it with her own eyes. She’s using the excuse that she wants to bond with me and the kids and celebrate the twins by shopping, but I know. She’s worried.”

“Oh man, so I’m going to have to deal with this on my own?”

“Yup. Looks that way.”

“Oh this is going to be fantastic.” I said, sarcastically.

Izzy was finished eating then, and looked like she was ready to go down for another nap. While I cleaned her up and went to lay her down. I put Kyle on the phone with Toni while I did this, knowing that even though she had only been away from him for less than twenty-four hours, she still missed him.

“Mommy’s coming home.” Kyle informed me when I came back in the room.

“I know, are you excited?” I asked.

“’cited.” He said, nodding.

“Me too.” I agreed.

“When she coming?” He asked, crawling up on my lap.

“I’m not sure. The doctors have to make sure she’s one hundred percent OK. She said sometime this afternoon.”

“That’s too long.” He said. “I miss her.”

“I know buddy.” I said, hugging him. “You know, the day goes by fast when you’re doing something. How about when Izzy gets up we go play at the mall, and then we can grab lunch? Then when we come home, you both can take another nap, and after that, Mommy should be home.”

He looked at me, pursing his lips, like he was seriously thinking it over.

“We get Chinese?” He asked.

“Anything you want.” I answered.

“And a cookie?”

“If you eat your lunch, I’ll get you a cookie.” I answered.

He nodded. He sat there for a second, and then slid off my lap. He started to walk away, but then came back and gave me a hug.

“Aww. Thank you Kyle. What was that for?” I asked.

“Cuz if you weren’t here I’d miss Mommy lots more.” He said as he scurried off.

I’ll admit, that warmed my heart, and in a small way, made me long for children in a way I never had before. I was still young, and I hadn’t really thought seriously about having kids before, other than knowing that I did want them eventually. But, spending time with Izzy and Kyle that day knew that eventually was going to come sooner than later. And though I was glad when Toni came home, and happy to see her and the kids so happy, I was also a little jealous. I wanted that.

I wondered how long I’d have to wait.