Drive until you lose the road, or break with the one you followed.

Sorry if this layout ends up turning out wonky - I had to use a different program that I normally used, so I'm not really sure how it's going to look here. If you need a refresher this was the last post I posted:
http://nothingmorethanapathy.blogspot.com/2010/12/i-started-running-but-theres-nowhere-to.html

Please excuse me while I get into the groove of things again. I had a different plan for the blog, but now I'm scrapping it in order to "catch up" so to speak.

After the whole dinner fiasco, I walked outside, planning to get some air, some space, some clarity. I was not expecting Drew to be outside still. Waiting. For what? I froze, like a deer in headlights, and didn't move or breath. I couldn't decide if I wanted him to see me or not. If it was a good idea, or a bad idea. All in all, I was pretty confused.
When he did spot me, our eyes locked for a second, and my heart jumped wildly. It was all too much - the dinner with Seth, announcing our sort of engagement. When Drew rolled down his window to speak, I felt like I might vomit.
"Go back inside Ella."
"What?" I blurted out, involuntarily. I don't know what I had expected him to say, but it had not been that.
"Go back inside. It's cold out here." He smiled, rolled back up his window, gave a half wave, and slowly backed out of the driveway.
I was left, alone, in the dark, and the only thing I was totally sure of was how anti-climatic it all was. The night ended up being anti-climatic. After the run in with Drew, I didn't know what to do, so I simply went back inside. Seth looked relieved to see me, and everyone else seemed so too. I apologized, and we went back to dinner, as if nothing had happened at all.
Time moved forward. I went to work, came home. But it did feel as if I was just going through the motions. I felt a little bit as if I was walking through a haze - I couldn't really see things as sharply as I used too, and everything felt and seemed muted to me. I didn't know if this was a delayed depression due to Chloe's death. I didn't know if maybe it had something to do with Drew, or Seth, or maybe it was just me and some sort of quarter life crisis. All I did know is I felt very mechanical, but if anyone else noticed, they didn't say anything to me. Christmas came. Seth bought me a charm bracelet that had some charms on it that represented me or us - a hockey stick, a flower for Chloe... His whole family cried when they recieved the rings I had made for them.
All too quickly, it was time for Seth to leave for his tour. Everyone kept asking me if I was sad, or scared, or nervous... And I wasn't any of these things. I thought I would be, and a nagging part of me told me I should be, but I just kept telling myself I wasn't that sad because I'd see him often, or that I trusted him so there was nothing to be nervous about, or that he was living his dream so I was happy for him. I kept giving myself excuses for my apathy towards the whole situation. If I wasn't unhappy, then I had no reason to question the validity of my relationship, right?
The night before Seth was to leave, there was a going away party for him, thrown by his parents. At one point of the night, he pulled me away from the crowd, saying he wanted to speak to me. We made our way out the back and sat down on the porch swing.
"You doing OK with all this?" He asked, not looking at me.
"Sure. Why?" I asked, realizing I didn't sound very reassuring.
"You've just been... Off, lately. Is it the trip? The engagement? Everything? Nothing?"
"I don't know, Seth. I don't feel like I've been off." I was lying through my teeth, and I had no idea why.
He was quiet for a moment, and doing that thing where he was looking at his hands. He always did this when he was nervous, or didn't know quite how to word something. As if the answer was just going to automatically appear written on his hands.
"I was thinking... And talking to some other people on the tour.... And...." He inhaled and let it all out with a whoosh of air. "Youcouldcomealongwithme."
"What?" I said, not sure I heard him right."
"You could come with me. I guess a lot of spouses are doing it."
"I can't." I said, a little too forcfully. I had thought he might suggest that, but I didn't realize it would make me so angry when he did. The tone in my voice should have left no room for discussion, but Seth only remained quiet for a minute.
"I just don't see why the answer is automatically no. You can't even think about it?"
"There's nothing TO think about Seth. I have a job here, a house, a big dog who would not do well in a hotel room, if he was even allowed at a hotel room. I don't have the money to just take off and leave."
"Sell your house."
I looked at him for a moment, unable to speak because I was stunned at just how serious he was.
"I love my house Seth. And I love my job. I love my life, here in Ohio."
"Don't you love me?"
"I am capable of loving more than one thing, you know." I said. I didn't understand where this was all coming from, and I felt blindsided. Then I realized two things: we should have had this conversation a long time ago, and that maybe me walking around in a fog hadn't gone unnoticed as I assumed.
"I know but... I mean." Seth stumbled over his words. "Don't you want to be with me?"
"Why does it have to come down to that? And why are you being so needy?"
"I don't think I am being needy. Why are you being so distant? I just figured that if this thing takes off and they offer me a permenant position in California... I mean..."
He trailed off, and it hit me. He expected to live somewhere else. And he expected me to go with him. He saw the look on my face, and I don't know exactly what it was, but it made him back track quickly.
"I just thought you know, if you came out early you could get to know everyone. The whole dance program is with inner city kids, so maybe you could make some connections and store them in case...."
"You really think I'm going to move? Leave my kids?"
"Ella, just forget it, it's not important, I don't want to fight on my last night here..."
"Don't you think this is a conversation we should have prior to getting married? Don't you think where we're going to live is something we should both settle on? You know, BEFORE we get married?"
"I'm leaving tomorrow, Ella. We don't have to plan the rest of our lives tonight."
"I realize that Seth. But if you think I'm leaving my job, my house... My friends? It's just not going to happen. I want to stay here. This is where I planned to make my home, and I'm not leaving."
"So what does that mean?" He said, getting up and standing, his back towards me, his gaze fixed on something in the distance.
I shrugged.
"You just don't care do you? At all?" He voice was low, even, and it scared me a little.
"I do care Seth."
"No, you don't. I don't know what happened, or why, but you checked out of this relationship. You're not even trying to make a compromise. You're not even open to discussion."
"I don't see what there is to discuss. I'm not faulting you for having big dreams, Seth. And I'm not trying to hold you back. But I'm living my dreams. I know what I want. And I don't want to leave here."
He looked at me, and threw up his hands as if he was surrendering. Then he simply walked away, and once again, I was left feeling less than what I should be feeling.

update, finally

I know guys, it's been months. I can't say it enough, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. To update you on us, we're all sick. Again. YAY, right? It's just a cold right now, or maybe allergies, I don't know anymore. So far it's not too bad, just messing with sleep.

However, I believe there WILL be an update tomorrow (er, after midnight, so I guess technically it would be later today) I know. I've said it before, so why should you trust me now? Tomorrow my Mom goes in tomorrow for a heart cath. Which is super stressful, because it's what George went through, and then had to have stents placed in. They think worst case scenario that she would need stents placed - we're hoping it's not worse - either way, I'll be at the hospital pretty much all day tomorrow with very little to do until she gets out of her heart cath and we find out what's wrong.

It'll be my first time in a long time without kids and just sitting there. So I'm hoping to get lots of stuff done. Number one on my list: Updating.

I also ask that you keep my Mom in your thoughts/prayers.

Someone commented asking if I was really coming back. That's still the plan. Still can't give you a time frame of when. Ever since we got the flu back in jan. The kids (one or both) have been sick. Cayden is on his 5th or 6th ear infection, eli and I both had ear infections, eli had a cold, and right now they're also both on meds for whooping cough because they were exposed. Doc doesn't think that they have it but wants to be safe since eli has only had one dose of the vax and while cayden is utd she said the vax only covers 80% of kids. However the antibiotic is known to cause stomach cramps so eli has spent the past two days being irritable, crying, and not sleeping. Cayden isn't sleeping well because of his ear I.fections, so I am tired. I'm currently writing this on my phone while holding eli. Don't want to keep giving excuses but trust me, I'm over the sickness too.

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I'm coming back, I promise!

I know it's been crazy and I do feel like stuff is FINALLY going back to normal (I'm afraid to say that actually, every time I do things go nuts) I miss you guys, I miss the blog, and I have ten million ideas on where I want the story to go.

So, what's holding me back? My husband - ha ha. My word is still busted. He was going to fix it before all hell broke lose with the kids getting sick. Now he wants to wait to fix it - we're getting a new laptop (the laptop we have we're renting, and we can get a new laptop that's just as nice for less than the pay off on this one. I'd rather just keep this one - it's got all my stuff on it. But hubby wants a new one, and it's not like we'd pay more. Oooooh Boys and their toys, eh?) Anyway, long story short, he doesn't see a point in fixing word on here when we'll just be getting a new laptop.

We're supposed to get our tax money within the next week. Keep your fingers crossed that it's sooner. Hubby has the laptop he wants picked out, so as soon as we get the money he's going to get it and we'll be back.

I am coming back! Don't give up on me yet!

Just to let you know what's going on...

Eli's reflux hadn't improved. So Monday we made an appointment to take him back into the doctor - only I woke up with a fever and feeling like crap, so I stayed home with Cayden and Jeremy went. Good news is, they switched Eli's medicine and he's a whole new baby. Bad news is, I got hit with some crap that I'm pretty sure was out to kill me (and I'm pretty sure it was the flu.) Tuesday night I woke up with a fever of 107 (Jeremy didn't believe me when I told him, so he retook my temp, and my thermometer wouldn't even give him a reading, it just said "high".) I really don't think I've ever been this sick in my life - I've been sick for longer with mono and some sort of weird stomach bug, but I don't think my sickness was ever this extreme.

Obviously I lived, ha ha. However, you know what happens when one person in the house gets sick... Jeremy is now sick, Eli started running a low grade fever but seems to be fine today, but Cayden... My poor Cayden who has only been sick with one ear infection in his whole life got it. And he got hit hard. At first I didn't think it was going to hit him - he had a fever and a slight cough but it didn't stop the tornado and he was still running around like mad. However, I knew when he fell asleep ON me (something he hasn't done in probably a year - or longer) that we were in trouble. Last night was a very rough and scary night where I got very little sleep but didn't even really feel all that tired because I think I was just running on fear. I know that may sound dramatic but if you could have heard Cayden's breathing... We called the pedi, and she said that we could take him into the ER or wait until the offices was open - but she suggested if we could get him back to sleep we just wait. By this time it was 2 AM and when we took Eli to the ER we were there for 6 hours, and in 6 hours the doctor's office would be open. So we waited.

Cayden has croup and an ear infection. He's much better already - they gave him a steroid injection at the doctor's office and it seems to be helping. Eli still seems like he's not getting whatever we got (knock on wood - breastmilk PLEASE do your job!) but that's where I've been.

Promises promises, eh?

First off, again, I am so so sorry. I know you all say I don't have to apologize or give an explanation, and I appreciate that, but I want you all to know that I do appreciate your understanding and let you guys know what's going on.

It's been a rough couple of days. Cayden sort of came down with something... He's only been actually sick once, but every once in awhile he gets hit with... I dunno, just not feeling good? Sometimes he has a fever, this time he didn't, but he was coughing a little and you could tell by how he talked that he throat was raw and probably hurt - and he wasn't eating much. He also wasn't sleeping too hot and for a second we worried that he had an ear infection but I think it was just some random thing. Last night he seemed better and even slept through the night.

Eli, however, did horrible last night. He just had his one month check up today (2 weeks late because of the holidays) and he was diagnosed with reflux. Not a huge deal, lots of babies have it and lots of babies grow out of it. But lately he hasn't been sleeping well (it either seems to take him forever to go down, or he wakes up early. Last night was a combination of both - I couldn't get him to go down till 1:30, then Jeremy was up with him twice, and then I got up with him at 5:30 and stayed up with him till 8.) He was given a prescription today and I'm hoping it makes things easier for him. While the lack of sleep for me sucks, I can deal with it, I'm just really upset because he does this cry and you can tell he's in pain and it breaks my heart because there's nothing I can do about it.

So, basically, Jeremy hasn't had time to fix my word yet (which still isn't working.) and even if he had, I don't think I'd have time to post. I'm not going to promise when another post will go up, just keep checking back. Hopefully this prescription works, Eli goes back to sleeping decently, and then Jeremy can fix my word and I can post.

Expect a post later tonight or tomorrow. I know I've said that before - it would have been up now, only for some reason my word where everything is saved, is locking me out, not letting me edit or copy and paste anything.

I swear, this blog is cursed, things keep popping up that keep me from posting. Jeremy said he'll just re-install it tonight, which should fix the issue... So maybe I shouldn't say expect a post today or tomorrow... If he fixes it, then expect a post today or tomorrow. If not... Well, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I guess re-write it?

I know I keep saying this, and I know it's got to be getting annoying, but really, thanks for hanging in there. I really keep telling myself that soon we'll get into the hang of things, and I'm really hoping it happens sooner rather than later.