A modge podge of things.

Sorry I'm a little late getting this up. I figured you guys wouldn't mind, since it's not an actual posting day. My night last night went like this: Screwed around on ebay, found two really cute knitting projects that made me wish I knew how to knit (I'm knitting stupid, I swear, many people have tried to teach me how, and I just don't get it!), then hubby and I decided to go to bed. I can't sleep (even though I'm tired) so I decide to play deal or no deal on my phone (stupidest game ever, yet so very addicting!) My son woke up, but wasn't really awake, the second I went in there, he laid down on my and fell asleep. I put him down. Ten minutes later, he woke up, again, just to be held.

My son has never been a good sleeper. He's been a pretty sound sleeper, once you GET him to sleep, but he slept through the night at 3 or 4 months for three or four days, and then just quit. It was as if he wanted us to know that yes, I CAN do it, I just don't want too. We tried everything, short of just letting him cry. Two different doctors told us to let him cry it out before I would do it. We had one night of hell, and then it was MUCH better. He was sleeping through the night, on his own, in his own room. He didn't need to be rocked to sleep, or sang to sleep. However, that was hard too, because while I loved finally getting the sleep (he was 9 months, at this point.) The only time he let me hold him anymore was when he woke up at night. He was too wiggly the rest of the time.

Anyway, back to last night. I decided to move him into bed with us. Which, I don't normally do. One, if he's too awake when I do it, he thinks it's play time and will get up and play. Two, it's really hard for my husband and I to sleep when he's in the bed. Three, I just don't want him to get used to it. But, last night I was thinking maybe he felt his shots from the other day, and just needed some Mommy-Daddy cuddle time.

It was a trick! The second I laid him in our bed he sat up and started chatting with the dog (who really is his best friend.) So I took him and laid him back in his room. He started crying, and didn't quit. So, I figured, maybe he's hungry. He doesn't eat in the night anymore, but there are occasions where he does, if I haven't fed him enough during the day. My husband went and got a sippy (we're done with bottles. We're also done with binkies. We got the short straw in the sleeping area, but when it came to bottles and paci's, my son didn't really want much to do with them.) and Cayden started drinking. I put him down with it (I know, I know, you shouldn't put your child down with anything other than water.) And went back to lay down. He was quiet, and I was just about to fall asleep when he started screaming. Jeremy told me just to let him go, but I decided to check on him.

Cayden had managed to open his sippy cup and dump it all over himself, his bed, and his lovey (the thing he can't sleep without.) So I then had to change him, find the spare lovey, and realize we didn't have another sheet clean to put on the bed, so find something to lay down.

Then I sat down with him and ended up rocking him to sleep. Which, again, I don't like to do, but every once in awhile it's nice.

He let me rock him on his birthday, too, only that wasn't so much of a struggle. He had had a big day - Doctors appointment, going out to lunch, presents, Grandparents, more presents, cake, going out to dinner... He was pretty tired, he let me hold him, sing him his lullaby (I've been singing him Return To Pooh Corner since before he was born.) and drifted right off to sleep. I came downstairs and cried.

When people speak of mother-hood, they never tell you how hard it is emotionally. They speak of lack of sleep, putting yourself last all the time, working double time, all that. But they never tell you about literally feeling your heart being ripped in half. Time goes by so fast. Everyone tells you that, but you can't know until it's your own child. I love who my son is now. I love the fact that he's more interactive, talking a little, about to walk... But I miss my baby. The one who would fall asleep and take a nap with me, or who would sit still for more than five seconds. It's like for everything you gain, you have to give up something.

I think it's especially hard with the first. You don't know what to expect, and you're so busy worrying and trying to do the right thing, trying to prevent every cry, even every whimper, that you don't know you really just need to slow down, breathe, and look at your child. It's like a blinked and here we are, and I missed the whole first year. I look back at pictures, and can't help but wonder, when did he go from that little baby, to a little boy?

My advice for new parents really is pretty simple: Any advice you get from people, is just what works for them. EVERY baby is different, and what works for one baby, may not work for another. Hell, what works on Cayden sometimes doesn't work for him all the time. I can only tell you what works for my child and our family. But, the one thing that I think remains true of all kids, is they grow up way too fast. All you can do is try to enjoy the moment while you have it.

Anyway, Cayden's birthday party went really well, despite the rain we had. We hired a photographer, which a lot of people thought I was insane for, but I'm really glad we did. For one, he was REALLY good, and REALLY cheap (50 bucks for the party, some prints, a CD of all the pictures, not copy-writed so we can print them anywhere, free editing, and since the weather was shitty, he's re-shooting for us next weekend for free. If you need a photographer and live around Columbus, let me know!) Anyway, I barely got any pictures on our camera, most of the ones taken were took by other people. I didn't have time, I was too busy running around, getting things ready, and trying to socialize a little. My Mother in law behaved, I think. I don't know, I wasn't around her much. She did decide to come, my suspicions are that she found out her brother was coming and had to show up to put in the "worlds best grandma" act. She did get mad at the photographer, after she saw the pictures, because she looks fat.

The woman has to be at LEAST 400 lbs, if not more. I'm not knocking her, I'm fat too. But if you're fat in real life? Chances are you're going to look fat in pictures.

I don't know. Lately I think my Mother in law has been trying to push my buttons more and more boldly. I dunno if I'm just paranoid, or perhaps it is true. In the beginning, she was great. I actually liked her, but we also barely saw her. When my son was born, the power struggle started. The night he was born she was "sick" but came anyway. They had to wait until my father in law got off work at 6, but didn't show up until`9. Why? Because she had to eat. She couldn't make something at home, or even pick up something in the drive thru (and didn't offer to get my husband anything. I wasn't allowed to eat at that point.)They went to a sit down restaurant. Which took forever (she's horrible about going out to eat with, she sends everything back and ALWAYS finds fault with the waiters/waitresses, and is rude to them.) So then they show up at 9, knowing I hadn't slept in close to two days, I had just had major surgery, and was sick with pancreatitus, and stayed until 11. And they only left because I called the nurse and told her that I thought I was leaking "down there" (ha, they moved faster than I've ever seen them to get outta there!) Then the next day she tried to say she was too sick to come, but my Father In Law was going to stop by. We told them fine, but we're not taking visitors past 8. He got off at 5, PLENTY of time for him to get over to the hospital to see the baby, you would think. Nope. He had to go home, take her out to dinner. 7:45 rolls around, he calls to see if it's too late for BOTH of them to come by. He then got made when my husband said that if they could make it in five minutes, they'd have ten whole minutes to see the baby. Then when we got home, it became a game. We'll be there at 6, and 8 o'clock would roll around and they still wouldn't be here. We'll be there at four, and they'd call at noon saying they were ready to stop by. They came on time one night, and sat here for hours, not helping with anything, not offering to do anything or bring anything, just sitting. Finally when my Mother in law started talking about what shows she likes to watch at nine (like she was going to stay to watch them.) My husband told them I needed to pump and they needed to leave. To which she answered "Oh, we can wait outside."

These aren't even the worst offenses, which would probably have to be her racism (She yelled at me for having one of Cayden's toys on a Spanish setting, she said Cayden didn't need to learn Spanish, that she didn't watch the cooking show Down Home With The Neeley's because it was too much "Mama and Papa" and she couldn't stand all that "black talk", that the old school Sesame Street had a parental warning on it because there was a black man in it, among other things.)

There's the basic questioning everything I do move that she does. Saying in one breath that she knows NOTHING about babies, but are you sure... Implying that I know LESS than nothing... She dropped my son and didn't get out of her chair to make sure he was OK. I mean there's more, we'll get into it sometime, I'm sure. My father in law really is amazing, he's just totally whipped.

All in all, she's really taught me what NOT to be like when it comes to being a Mother in Law, and I am really thankful for that.

Well, I think that's all I have to talk about. I may go back later and put some pictures in, of the party and a really cute one I took of Tater and the dog, but right now Cayden's getting impatient with me and trying to climb the barrier. But, what about you guys? What did your weekend look like? Do you have any horrible Mother in law, Mother, or just family/friends stories?


Oh, and a question for anyone who has ever used baby gates: Do you know if there's a baby gate that doesn't need to go straight across? We have an odd doorway in our house, and where there's a wall on one side we could mount it too, if we put it straight across it'll hit the bathroom door. If we put it at a little bit of an angle there's a wall, but I just don't know if they make gates like that?

Clarifying

A couple of things:

One: Matt IS seven-two. Yes, I know that's REALLY tall. The Matt in real life? Is REALLY seven-two. It's not a typo, he's just REALLY REALLY tall. And our hands did bump. Or maybe it was our arms? I can't really remember, but it had the same effect.

Two: I'm not entirely happy with the post below. I tried to re-write it a couple times, and it's just what it is, kinda boring (at least, to me it is.) But, anyone who has a husband in the military, or boyfriend, or sister, or friend, or whatever, will tell you it's one said, stressful waiting game. So.

Three: I'm highly irritated today, so I apologize in advance if I snap at anyone (I really will try not too. It's nobodys fault here that I'm irritated.) Yesterday was just a hectic day, in fact it's been a week of those and yesterday was the icing on the cake. (we waited a 1/2 hour to even get back into the room at the doctors office, then had to wait another 1/2 hour for the nurse to come give him his shots, which were horrible. Followed by more waiting because my Father in law had to go to the doctors suddenly in the morning, and instead of making it easier for everyone and go with him, my Mother in law decided to wait for him at home. Which meant when he was done he had to go clear across town to pick up the cake they ordered, and come back across town to pick her up, and then go back across town to meet us for lunch. Oh, and even though they were already later and knew we were waiting for them at the restaurant, my Mother in law still decided to stop and get my son a balloon, even though we TOLD her we had balloons for him already. And then there was also the fight we almost got into, but I digress.) All in all, my son's birthday ended fantastically, but came with a lot of waiting and biting my tongue. So I've kinda reached my limit.

Again, it's NO ONES fault here, you all have been great, your comments WONDERFUL, and I appreciate them. It's just that I'm in a bad mood and innocent people are getting snapped at (like my poor husband, lol.) So I may just make myself scarce today.

Flashback: So please... Come home soon

It was weird with Jason being gone. I tried to pretend that he was just across the country, in California, doing his trainings, and that he was either too busy to call, or we were in an argument, but it never seemed to work. His absence tinged everything I did, and was always in the back of my mind. Any idle moment I had, my brain wondered towards the thought of him, trying to conjure up what he might be doing, if he was tired, sick, or hurt. If he was still alive even. I tried to stay away from the negative, but I did wonder how long it would take to find out if anything were to happen to him. I missed him in a way I’d never really missed anything or anyone before, and my mood remained somber, as hard as I tried to fake happiness.

I awoke one night to a particularly bad dream. I couldn’t remember all of it, just bits and pieces. One thing that stuck out in my mind was that in the dream I found a baby picture of Jason, and knew instantly that he had died. I woke up in such a panic and such a sense of... Urgency. I felt like I needed to do something, and I was desperate to know that he was still alive, and OK, but had no real way of finding out for sure. I fired off an email to him, realized that it had been weeks since I had heard anything from him. And then, despite the fact that it was five in the morning, I called Drew.

I was surprised when he answered and actually sounded awake.

“What are you doing up?” I questioned.

“I haven’t been sleeping so well.” He answered, and I could hear the same somberness in his voice that had been on the edge of mine these past couple of months.

“Me either.” I admitted. “I just don’t like not knowing. I mean if something where to happen, I guess I could handle it, what other choice do we have really? But, I just feel like I’m sitting here and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t like it.”

“I know what you mean. Have you heard from him lately?” He asked, sounding hopeful.

“No. I get an email now and then. He says he’s busy, and I mean, that’s understandable. Plus the internet connection is obviously shoddy. I just wish he’d write more often, you know? Even if the only thing he says is, ‘I’m alive and OK.’ It would just make it a lot easier.”

“Have you talked to Kayla at all?”

I sighed. “No. I don’t want too.”

“She hears from him more often, you know.”

I felt a wave of hurt pierce my heart and flow through my bloodstream. I figured this. I still didn’t want to know it.

“Yeah, well…” I trailed off, not really knowing how to finish or respond to that.

“I just think you two could be friends, is all. You’re a lot alike you know.”

I laughed bitterly. “Drewbie, that’s like, the last thing I wanted to hear.”

“I know, I know. I just think you guys might be a source of comfort to each other.”

“I don’t need comfort, Drewbie. I need Jason to come home.”

“You need a project, something to take your mind off of it. Dwelling on the fact that he’s gone is only going to make time move slower.”

“Like what Drew? I do all I can, I try to fill in my time as much as possible, I have work and school. Do I need take up knitting or something?”

Drew laughed. “No, but maybe you could do something to help the cause, you know? Like, letters to troops. I mean you have your after school program, you could have your kids draw pictures and cards and stuff. And, you can send care packages. I mean there’s tons of organizations for that.”

“That’s not a half-bad idea Drew!” I exclaimed, wondering why I hadn’t thought of it. I sent care packages to Jason and Jacob, but there were tons of soldiers who didn’t have anyone to send them anything.

“Speaking of supporting the troops, heard anything for your boyfriend?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend. If you’re asking about Jacob, he’s not my boyfriend. We’re just friends.”

“On your way to becoming more.” Drew interjected.

“Maybe, maybe not. Only time can tell really. But yeah, I get emails usually once a week, and a letter now and then. He’s doing good.” I said, smiling and thinking of Jacob. Distance can make or break you when you’re just starting out in a relationship. But, I think Jacob and my relationship was going to be made.

“Alright, El. I better go. If I’m going to be this awake I might as well be doing something productive.”

“Are you implying that it is not productive to talk to me?” I said, acting insulted.

“I’m not implying, I’m stating.” Drew joked.


When we got off the phone, I got online to research organizations that dealt with letters to the troops. I found one that I liked, and signed up to get a soldier assigned to me in particular. I would get a letter of his needs/wants, and put together care packages for him, as well as write him letters. Then I found a letter drive, where people could write generic letters and have them sent to soldiers, and took down the address of where to mail the letters. Next I made up a template for the cards. My kids were young, and could draw, but I didn’t really feel like telling them how to spell thank you soldier over and over again. So I wrote the words out on a blank card, and decided to let them draw the picture to go with it. If they wanted to add on an extra message, they could.


By that time it was time to get ready for class, so I shut down my computer, jumped into the shower, got dressed, packed my things, and left the house.


It was the same thing every day, a routine that I could carry on without thinking. School, work, home, homework, food, bed. Rinse and repeat. Weekends my parents tried to keep me busy, there were day trips planned and shopping trips, and my Mom signed us up to volunteer at a shelter, walking dogs and cleaning kennels. Everyone figured keeping me busy was best, that it would distract me, keep my mind off things, and help make time go faster. It didn’t work. Everything became so routine that I could do it with my eyes closed, and it allowed my mind to wander.

Even the letters to the troops project didn’t really help. I felt good about being able to do my part to help boost morale, but it kept my kids in group quiet and occupied. They could draw and color for hours on end. Which, again, left me free to think. I used this time to write lengthy letters to Jacob and Jason, and also my soldier pen pal.


The months marched on. Before I went to bed each night, I marked off an X on my calendar, counting down days like a kid waiting for their birthday, or Christmas. Thanksgiving passed, this year with Drew coming down to spend the day with our family. His family didn’t celebrate much of anything, so he tended to spend the holidays with us, where my house was annoyingly full of people and food. This year there were no eat off contest between Drew and Jason. We didn’t take a group nap on my bed like we did the previous years, but we did raid the fridge at midnight and stayed up all night watching bad movies. We did leave the house early to go shopping on Black Friday. I did snag some good deals, including some gifts for Jacob and Jason, not knowing when they’d get to open them. I usually loved Christmas, and searching for the perfect gift for someone filled me with such joy. But, this year, like everything else, I felt like I was just going through the motions.


Christmas came. Once again, Drew came down for Christmas eve, and just like always at midnight we exchanged gifts. I had splurged this year, feeling sentimental about losing Jason, and wanting to show Drew how much I did love and appreciated him. I had found a really nice watch that I knew Drew would love. Drew shocked me and gave me a prayer box necklace. I cried, it was not only beautiful but meaningful as well.

The biggest present I got was being able to talk to Jason and Jacob for a few minutes. Again, I cried, hearing their voices, but as soon as I got off the phone, I regretted talking to them at all. Hearing their voices was like picking a scab off too early, and my wound had reopened. It was even harder than before to not think about them, and I tried even harder to find something, anything, to occupy my mind. Nothing seemed to work, and I finally gave in to just counting the days.

Holidays flew by, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Easter… So did Birthdays, mine, Drew’s, Nick’s, Jacobs…


It happened slowly, the days down became even with the days to go, and then suddenly outnumbered the days to go. We started out counting months, then weeks. Now we were down to days, and then hours. It was like it had been storming for months, and slowly the rain let up, then the clouds parted. I was starting to see bits of sunshine. I started to get happy, I started to feel lighter, I started to not worry so much. Before I knew it, I started to pack for our trip out to California for Jason and Jacob’s welcome home party. It was over. The wait was over and my boys would be coming home, and they were safe.

I’m not a religious person. But, the moment I realized that, I couldn’t help dropping to my knees and thanking God profusely.

A-ha!

Someone mentioned that the blog would be easier to read if there were spaces in between paragraphs and such. I agreed, when I copy and paste the blog (because I write ahead in a word document) it's indented and spaced correctly. And then when I hit post, it mushes up. However, I've found to fix it. It IS slightly a pain in the ass (I have to go back and do it before I hit enter) but I agreed it was REALLY annoying and semi-hard to read all mushed together. I will try to do it every time, but I'm not going to go back and fix the previous entries (that's too much work!) and if I happen to mess up and miss one, I apologize in advance!


Below is tomorrow's post. As I said, my son's birthday is actually Monday, so I've got my hands full with shots and celebrating and in laws, but I wanted to make sure it got to you guys. Hope you had a great weekend, what all did you guys do?

I can't be sure this state of mind is not of my own design

“Oh man, I wanted to go here!” He said as we turned the corner and he saw the sign. “You guys have the number one zoo in the country right now, I was told by everyone that I had to come see it. This is great!” He exclaimed.

I beamed with pride. “You know, Matt. The Columbus zoo hadn’t always been great. Thirty years ago, when Jack Hanna was interviewing to become the next zoo director, the taxi driver couldn’t even tell him where the zoo was, that’s how horrible it was. The animals were kept in concrete cages, and out in front of the entrance there was just a mud pit. Jack came in and turned the whole thing around, building new, natural exhibits, educating the public, and building a sense of community pride.”

“Jack Hanna? Like the guy that’s on Letterman all the time with the animals?”

“That’s him. Jack’s kind of a hero of mine. I mean he did all this, but he also does more. I mean besides his conservation efforts, he also goes to Rwanda frequently, and even built a house there to help the economy after the genocide. He’s just really, amazing. I mean, you’ll get a chance to go to the zoo again, the after school group tries to go at least once, but… Today Jack Hanna’s visiting. I got an email last night, and he’s doing a meet and greet. I’m honestly so excited!” I squealed.

Call me a dork, but ever since I had read Jack’s book, I had just been totally obsessed with him. I went out and got my zoo membership, fanned him on facebook, and wikipedia’d the crap out of him. To me he was smart, he cared about animals, and he was funny. If the guy wasn’t sixty two years old and married, I would seriously fall in love.

“Wow. This is so… Neat!” Matt exclaimed. I thought he might be making fun of me, but when I glanced at his face, I saw it was filled with honest excitement. Matt didn’t think I was a dork at all for this, he felt the same way!

“Yeah, well. In addition to seeing Jungle Jack, you’ll also get to see Fluffy, the largest snake in captivity, Colo, the first Gorilla to be born into captivity, and Beco, our new baby elephant.”

“I’m just really excited to see Jack Hanna.”

“Yeah, me too.” I said, pulling up to the gate and flashing my membership card. “Did you know he was in a music video?”

“Really?”

“Yep. Billy’s got his beer goggles on, by Neal McCoy. He’s just hilarious. He’s also doing a show that I hope to catch. It’s going to be crazy busy, that’s why I got you up so early!”

We were there early enough to get a good parking spot, and walked up to the front gate. I wanted to make it to Jack’s first show, which started at ten. It was only nine thirty, but I knew that’s when they started seating, and I wanted to get a good spot. I rushed Matt, who wanted to stop and look at everything on our way to the stage. I pulled him along, assuring him that there would be plenty of time to go back and look at everything later.

We caught Jack’s first show, which was amazing, and hilarious. If you’ve ever seen Jack Hanna speak, he just has a way of coming off as so… Stupid. It’s hard to explain, you know he knows what he’s talking about, but he just says it in a way that… It’s just funny. I really admire that, and I think a lot of kids probably learn a lot from him without even knowing that they’re learning.

After his first show, we rushed over to the meet and greet. It was held in a new area, Jungle Jack’s landing, which helped connect the zoo to the water park they just built. Jungle Jack’s featured rides, and also an area where zookeepers brought out animals for a closer look or even to hold and touch. We stood in line, petting various animals that keepers walked by us with, and watching the owls that they had out in the yard. Finally, it was our turn to meet Jack, and I let out a squeal of excitement.

I wanted to tell him so much, how I hoped that I could encourage kids like he did, about the animal program I wanted to start at the agency, and even ask him for any tips, or if he’d be willing to visit sometime. I ended up getting so tongue-tied and flustered that all I could do was stand there while a picture of us was snapped. As I shook his hand, I was finally able to speak.

“I just wanted to thank you, for everything you’ve done here, and in Rwanda.” I don’t know why that was what I choose to say, but I was just glad that I was able to say SOMETHING.

“Oh, thank you. You know, your shirt is the color of Rwanda.”

I had no idea what to say to that, and looked down to see that I was wearing my Save Darfur shirt. I wasn’t sure if that was what he was referring to our what, and I didn’t get the chance to ask before the next person stepped up for their chance to meet Jack.


I didn’t have time to dwell on my lack of social skills, or even be embarrassed. Matt was pulling on my arm, tugging on me excitedly. I decided we should start at the back of the zoo, and work our way up, that way when we were done we wouldn’t have to walk all the way back to the entrance. We went to the Australia section first, going through the kangaroo walk through, which was an open exhibit where the kangaroos could walk up to you, if they felt like it. I was always told by keepers that if I wanted this to happen, I needed to come first thing when they opened, as the kangaroos were more active during the mornings. And I always forget.

After touring Australia, we stopped at the Congo River food court, and sat down to eat a healthy lunch of pizza, pop, and fries.

“I gotta stop eating like this.” I said as we sat down, stuffing my slice into my face.

Matt shrugged, picking up his own piece. “Eat healthy, stay fit, die anyway. Besides,” he paused, taking a bite, "you look great."

“Yeah, right." I said, choosing to ignore the compliment. "You’re probably one of those people who can eat anything and not get fat.” I answered, my mouth full of cheese and grease and goodness.

“It’s the height.” He answered, shrugging again.

“How tall are you, exactly?” I had been wanting to ask him this for awhile now, but wasn’t sure if it would be considered rude.

“Seven-two.” He answered. “How tall are you?”

“Five-six.”

“Short stuff.” He teased.

“Jolly Green Giant.” I shot back.


We finished eating and went headed over to Africa to see the gorillas. After that, we made our way over to Asia. We stopped at various stops along the way, checking out the tortoises, manatees, reptile house, and flamingos. Along our walk, Matt’s hand kept hitting mine, and every time it did, I felt my breath catch in my throat. I wondered if he did this on purpose, or if it were just by accident, he was sort of a gangly guy. Still, I had to put my hand in my pocket to refrain from reaching out and holding his hand. There had been tension in the air after our encounter this morning, and I desperately wanted it to dissipate. We finally came upon Asia, one of my favorite parts of the zoo. They had just built it not too long ago, and it was gorgeous. This is also where Beco the baby Elephant was kept, and it was hilarious to see Matt go goo-goo over him, even going as far as to bust out the baby talk. I teased him mercilessly for this, and all he could do was blush and tell me to knock it off. We ended up catching the red panda out and about, and Matt started baby-talking again. This time though, I couldn’t blame him. The red panda almost looked fake, it was so cute. It looked like it had walked right off the page of some girlie Japanese anime.

After Asia, we headed to North America, which was my least favorite part of the zoo. I thought the exhibits were boring, and the animals were almost always passed out here. The bears always put on a show, and we stood and watched them fight for a little bit. One finally walked over to the viewing glass and actually licked it, surprising me so much that I jumped back, bumping into Matt. His arms went around me for a brief second, to steady me perhaps, and then he quickly let go, pressing forward to the petting zoo.

After the petting zoo, we decided to head back and try to catch a different show, animals on safari, before we left. The zoo took a bunch of different wild animals (porcupine, kangaroo, groundhog, skunk, and a few others.) and mixed them with some domesticated animals (dogs, cats, rats, ducks, pigs, a mini horse, a parrot… ect.) and taught them to do some amazing tricks. They also rescued most of the domestic animals from shelters, and it was just amazing how far these animals came. Afterwards, we went down to pet a couple of the animals in the show, and headed out to gift shop.

Matt and I goofed around in the gift shop for a little while, trying on the animal shaped hats and sunglasses, as well as the Jack Hanna safari style hat they had for sale, goofing off and cracking jokes. We were getting ready to leave when I made a quick stop at the bathroom. When I came back, Matt had a large bag in his hand.

“You buy Kellie something?” I asked.

“I bought a few things. One of them is for Kellie.”

The mention of Kellie seemed to always put Matt in either a bad mood, or a closed off mood, so I decided to learn my lesson and back off. He didn’t say a word to me as we walked to the car. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, Matt finally spoke.

“Do you think you can love someone and be with them if you aren’t IN love with them?”

I thought about this for a moment. I wanted to ask if this was about Kellie, but again, decided it was probably a bad idea to bring her up.

“I think you can be. But the question is, would you want to be? I mean is it fair to either person? I for one, wouldn’t want to tie down a guy if he didn’t love me, no matter how much I loved him.” I answered, my mind automatically flicking to Jason. I wondered if that was the case with Jason, or if perhaps he loved Kayla but wasn’t in love with her, and chose to be with her instead of hurting her. Whatever, it’s not like it mattered now. I had gotten to the point where I was thinking about Jason less and less, and had even ignored him when he called me today.

Matt grew quiet again, I suppose thinking about his issue, and I decided it would be a good time to check my voicemail.

“Ella, it’s Jason. I need to talk to you, you need to call me back as soon as possible.”

I may have lied

I think I said my son's birthday was on Tuesday, when it's actually was Monday (his birthday party was amazing, btw, I'll prolly talk about it Wednesday!) I of course knew it was the 28th, I was just thinking the 28th was a Tuesday! So, there may not be a post Monday (we have shots, lunch, and the in laws, so it's going to be a little hectic.) I may post Sunday to prepare for it. Just a heads up!

The post below is the post for tomorrow, so if you read it now, please know there will be NO new post tomorrow. I put it up early because I really don't think I'll have time to do it tomorrow. I have to bake cupcakes, clean the house, go pick up some random items, drop my son at his Grandma's, pick up my sister and my God-daughter, a few other things, and probably get into it with my mother in law. (You'll hear my complain about my Mother in law a lot probably. I'm sorry if this gets old, but the woman is horrible. She is controlling, manipulative, stupid, and racist, as well as a few other things. For the quick backstory on why we're probably going to get into it now {normally I don't even try to argue with the idiot} is she was "sick" on my wedding day and didn't come, "sick" at my baby shower, "sick" when my son was born, she kept playing games when my son was born, showing up WAY earlier than she said, or HOURS late, staying for hours on end, getting offended when we asked them to leave even thought they had been here for hours, not doing anything to help out, and I needed to pump. Now she's claiming she's coming down with something. Right before his birthday party. It's a ploy to get attention, and I'm done. Sorry for the rant, but I'm actually really pissed off. It's one thing to try to steal my spotlight when it's a big day for me, that's whatever. But her one year old Grandson? Cut me a break.)

Anyway, I'm posting it now, so again, if you read it tonight, there will be nothing tomorrow.

Flashback: It's something unpredictable but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life

I woke the next morning to Jacob curled around me, and Jason’s hand still in mine, with the sound of rain pattering on the roof of the tent. Everyone else was still asleep, and I took this quiet time to take in Jason’s face. He had touched me last night, as if to memorize me. I wanted to touch him back, to commit his face not only to my brain but to my fingertips as well, but had been afraid of where it might lead. I didn’t want to be under Jason, I was tired of loving him and getting nothing in return, but I knew that if he made a move, I would be unable to resist. He just had a hold on me, and I had learned there was no point in trying to figure out why and how. Logic doesn’t work when it comes to matters of the heart, and sometimes there’s no more of a reason than just because.
I did finally reach out and touch his face, softly, with one finger. I ran it down his jawline, rough with patches of a beard that he had grown in the two days of not shaving. I moved it over his lips, soft, firm, and slightly chapped, and over his nose, crooked from the break that I had given him on accident while tossing a football around. I ran it around the edge of his face, brushing his eyebrows and eyelashes, down the center, over his chin, where I stopped and pulled away. I knew I would be saying goodbye in a matter of a few hours, and I wouldn’t know if I’d ever be saying hello again.
All of a sudden, and Irish prayer popped into my head, and I couldn’t help but whisper it into the universe.
“And until we meet again,” I said, my breath accented with little clouds of cold. “May God hold you in the palm of his hand.” I prayed this one line over and over, meaning it more than I had ever meant anything in my whole life.
Finally, someone else stirred, and I was forced to put on a happy face.
“Morning.” Toni said, her throat thick and scratchy. “How long have you been up?”
“Oh, not long. Just… Thinking.”
I never really knew how much sadness to show when it came to Jason, or anyone for that matter, leaving. I didn’t want to make things harder on him than they already were. I felt like crying and pitching a fit, but I held it in, not wanted to make him sad. But, then I wondered if he knew I cared. Knew that I was sad, and didn’t want him to go.
I laid there that cold, rainy morning, holding onto Jason’s hand for dear life. I was so scared to let go, knowing that when I did, he would be gone. I already regretted wasting so much time being angry at him, knowing that I’d never get that time back. If this was all I got now, a secret handhold in cold and wet weather, well, I would take it.
Finally, Nick woke, cursing softly when he heard the rain.
“Guys.” He said loudly. “We better get up. We didn’t lay tarps on the ground, and the water’s going to soak through, if it hasn’t already.”
People grumbled, but slowly sat up, wrapping blankets around them and complaining about the sudden rain. The guys rain to the cars, filling them up and getting soaked with each trip, leaving us girls to pack up the contents in the tents. They finally pulled the cars up close to the tent, letting us get in, and quickly pulling the tent from the ground and shoving it into the back, not bothering to pack it right.
It was seven AM, and Jason would be gone by ten. I wanted to ride back to Nick’s with him, but I knew there was no way I could pull that one off without seeming obvious. Jacob ended up climbing into Jarren’s care with us, and rode the whole way with his head leaning on my shoulder. I watched the rain fall down and wondered why it was allowed to cry, and I wasn’t. I suddenly felt very bitter. Jason was finally acting like he gave a damn about me again, and I wasn’t allowed to have him because he was someone else’s. To make matters worse, I wasn’t even allowed to see him, he was being whisked away and thrown into a deadly situation. The icing on the cake, meeting a great guy who may help me get over Jason, two days before he was sent into the same situation. I felt like kicking life square in the balls, but instead crossed my arms across my chest and sulked.
We pulled up to Nick and Toni’s, where we all got out. Nick had stopped along the way to pick up some doughnuts and coffee, and upon entering the house, set them up on the table. I grabbed one, and nibbled it, but it felt like sand in my mouth. I sat it down on a napkin, and went into the guest bedroom.
Jason followed, shutting the door behind him.
“It’s gonna be OK El.” He said quietly, resting his hands on my shoulder.
“You don’t know that.” I sniffled. I was trying my best to hold up this fake brave wall that I had built, but I felt it start to crumble.
“Yes I do.”
“How?” I asked, spinning to face him. “How can you honestly sit here and tell me that you know it’s going to be OK? That you won’t get hurt or killed? How can you promise me that you’ll come back to me? You don’t know. You don’t have any idea. And if you do come back safely, are you going to be able to be the same person?” I spit out, feeling the words gush out of me before I had the chance to stop them. “We’ve been through a lot Jason. A LOT. But it’s still not enough. I feel like I’ve already lost you once, a huge part of you, at least.”
“Ella, sweetie, you’re not making any sense to me.” He said, keeping his voice soft and even.
I sighed. “When you joined the Marines Jas, you changed. You can deny it all you want, but you did. You came back from boot camp and you were someone else. Every once in awhile I’ll get a glance of the old Jason, and it make me ache because I miss him so badly. And this Jason,” I said, gesturing toward him, “well, I’m just getting to know him. What if you come back and what you see and do changes you so much that the old Jason is wiped completely away?” I felt my bottom lip quiver. “What if… What if you don’t come back at all? I honestly don’t know which situation is worse. I don’t know what to do and I don’t like this at all. So please, just tell me you’ve changed your mind. Just tell me you’re not going.” I looked up at him with tear filled eyes, and considered falling to my knees and flat out begging. I felt filled with such a desperate hopelessness. Jason did have to be mine anymore, I just wanted him to be alive, I wanted to continue to have the chance to know him.
“Oh Ella.” He said. He pulled me to him quickly, wrapping me up in his arms tightly. “I have to go. You know this. I made a promise and a commitment, and I have to go.” He kissed my forehead. “But you gotta know, I don’t want too. And I will do everything in my power to make it back here. They’re not going to get rid of me that easily, only the good die young, remember?”
I couldn’t answer him, I was too busy crying my eyes out into his sweatshirt. My head kept alternating between thinking “it’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair.” And “don’t go, don’t go, don’t go.”
Jason squeezed me extra tight, and continued, “Ella, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I know I haven’t always shown it, and I’ve done some things I’m not proud about.” His voice cracked a little at this part, and I felt him swallow hard. It shocked me. I don’t think I’ve ever known Jason to cry. “I love you, I always have, and I always will. And when things get rough over there, you’re the one I’m gonna think about to help me make it through. If for some reason I don’t make it home… Just remember that, OK? And remember me?”
I nodded against his chest, and he continued to hold me, rocking me for a moment. There was a soft knock at the door, which neither of us answered. Drew popped his head in, and seeing us crying, walked in. He came up behind me, and put his arms around Jason. I was squeezed in the middle between my two best friends, and it just made me cry harder to know how much Drew would also miss him. I wondered if we’d be able to get through this, if we’d make it to the other side in tact. I knew no matter what Jason said, if he did come home, he’d be a changed man, and that made me as nervous as the thought of him dying. At some point Nick came in and joined the hug, and soon after Toni, with a camera, asking us all to pose. We did, and even though we were all red-eyed and puffy, it became my favorite picture. Pain and sadness showed on our faces, but there was also an air of hope that I clung to like it was a raft. Everyone says hope floats and I just didn’t want to sink.
Kayla came and pulled Jason away shortly after, and as jealous as I was, I knew she deserved time with him too. They were heading over to Jason’s parents house. Jacob was going with him, his parents meeting him there so they could all make they drive to the airport. I gave Jason one last hug, and kissed his cheek, and turned to give my goodbyes to Jacob, who took my email address and promised to write, and to take me on a proper date when he got home.
Jarren and I didn’t stay long after they left. The place honestly felt so empty without Jason and Jacob’s loud, boisterous voices. The quiet haunted me, and pressed in on me until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It had been a rough couple of weeks, and I was aching to get back to normal life, even if I had to fake being normal. I wanted to go to work, and throw myself into my job, hoping that maybe I’d work so hard that for a few minutes I would forget this whole mess.
Drew walked us to the car, not saying much of anything, just pulling me to him for a quick, tight hug. He shut the car door after me, patted the roof, and walked away without looking back. I did my best to breathe, concentrating on taking slow, even breaths. I even started counting them in my head, trying to focus my attention and my thoughts on something else.
I was worried when Jarren flicked on the radio, knowing that when you’re in a sad mood, turning on the radio only seems to make it worse. Every sappy, sad love song will pop on and play until you’re depressed enough to want to hang yourself with the radio cord. I nervously bit my nail, waiting for the commercial to end to see what song would come on, hoping against all odds it would be something upbeat that didn’t remind me of Jason or Jacob or war. Now, God has a funny sense of humor, I think, and He has His own way of doing things. We don’t always know why He does the things He does, but I find they almost always end up having a reason. And I felt it oddly reassuring, that the next song that came on was “only the good die young” by Billy Joel. Jason considered this to be his theme song.
It was fitting, to drive down that highway, the windows down despite the rain pouring in, wind blowing in our faces, with the radio up as loud as it could go, singing along with the song.
When the song was over, I held my face up towards the sky, letting the rain wash away my tears and screamed as loud as I could “And Jason Blanco is a bad son-of-a-bitch so you let us keep him for awhile longer!”
Jarren laughed, and rolled the windows up, and I managed a smile too. I was hoping that God would hear us, and agree.

Oh, here we go again

When I came in from my date with Greg, Matt was sitting on the sofa, his laptop and Cumulus’ big head resting on his lap. He was in shorts and a tee shirt, his stocking feet resting on an ottoman. He looked gorgeous, and comfortable, as if he belonged there. I leaned against the doorway and smiled at him.
“Oh hey.” He said, sounding tired. He rubbed his eyes. “I didn’t hear you come in. Gosh, what time is it?”
“Little before eleven.” I said. “Whatcha doin?” I crossed the room to sit on the other end of the couch from him, curling my legs underneath me.
“Entering these evaluations into the system. Sandy wants to be totally ready in case we get investigated. He looked at me again, his eyes lingering. “You look nice.”
I blushed. “Thanks. And leave it to Big Momma to leave someone else to clean up her mess.”
“How was your date?” He said, pushing his laptop closed. I heard the ding on an IM, but he ignored it. Cumulus lifted his head, and upon seeing me, abandoned Matt’s lap for mine.
“It was good. He didn’t kiss me goodnight though, which I thought was strange.”
Matt shrugged. “I don’t kiss till the third date.”
I laughed. “Seriously?” He nodded. “I didn’t know guys had rules!”
Matt laughed too. “Well, I can’t speak for all of them, but I think the first kiss is the best, and it’s a lot better when there’s some build up. I don’t know though, maybe he’s just a chicken. Where’d you guys go?”
“A carnival in Circleville.” I smiled. “I almost died on some coasters.”
“I can’t ride coasters.” He said, picking up his laptop again.
“Scared?” I teased, smiling.
“No, I mean. I don’t know. I’ve never ridden one. I have a heart condition, I’m not allowed to ride them.”
“Oh my gosh.” I said, honestly shocked.
“It’s not a big deal, really. My mom died of it.”
“Really?” I asked. “That must have been tough.”
“Eh. More so for my little sister than me. I’ve kind of dealt with it. She blames herself.”
“Why would she blame herself?”
“Well. Mom died giving birth to her. She wasn’t supposed to have another baby, but Mom wanted one. My sister has some handicaps because of it. Mom died before they could get her out. But still, she’s totally amazing.”
“She sounds like it. I’m still sorry though, that you guys had to go through that.”
He shrugged. “Everyone has their own issues. You either got to get over it or spend your life lugging them around.”
I sat in silence for a few minutes, and then got out my own laptop from the side table. I checked my email, and smiled.
“Hey Matt, got any plans for this weekend?”
“No, why?” He answered.
“Keep Sunday open.” I said, smiling.

Friday we usually tried to have free days for the kids. All the after-school groups got together in the gym and had controlled chaos. Most of the kids ended up playing kickball, and usually the group workers sat on the bleachers, supervising and cheering, but the week had been so stressful, I decided to blow off some steam. I kicked off my shoes, and played. The kids loved it, and so did I.

Greg did take me out that night, I skipped his show, as good as it was, it was starting to get a little boring, and I didn’t want to burn out with it. He came and got me, and we went for a late dinner, at one of my favorite places. TGI Fridays wasn’t gormet, but it was good. After an amazing meal (is there anyone on this planet who doesn’t love Jack Daniels sauce?) we headed over to catch a movie. Greg lifted the arm of the seat so he could snuggle close to me, and kept his arm around me the whole time, but didn’t once kiss me. After the movie we went back to the club and danced for a little bit, and then he brought me home. Again, he walked me to the door, and I invited him in, but he declined. Again I expected a kiss, and again, he hugged me, kissed me on the forehead, and left. I knew he liked me, why else would he keep asking me out? But my mind was baffled as to what was taking him so long to kiss me. I sent out all the signals that I wanted to be kissed, I flirted, looked at his lips, licked my lips, but still, nothing. I know I’m a modern day woman, and I could always suck it up and just kiss him, but… I didn’t want to do it like that. I wanted our first kiss to be the traditional boy kisses girl kiss. And I was growing tired of waiting for it.

Saturday, Kellie came in for the day, so I tried to give Matt the run of the house. I ran errands, and ended up placing one of the puppies. I had a potential home for another one of the puppies, but they had to cancel our visit today, and rescheduled for the following week. I was excited that I was finding them homes, but sad to see them go. I also placed the call to Nancy and started the process of adopting Cumulus myself. I was glad he was the one I ended up with. He was the biggest of the puppies, but also the sweetest. He was a gentle, clumsy giant. I had half expected Kellie to spend the night, but her car wasn’t there when I finally came home, and while I thought maybe she and Matt had gone out, the windows were open and the lights were on, I knew Matt wouldn’t leave the house open like that. I thought it was kind of pointless for her to come for the day, but I also admired her for her dedication to her relationship and to Matt.
Matt however, was in a bad mood when I got home. He answered me in either grunts or nods, and ignored me all together when I asked where Kellie was. I left well enough alone, and hoped he’d be in a better mood for the surprise I had planned for tomorrow.
I woke early, and Matt was still asleep. I let the two dogs outside, and then went for my run. I showered, and then decided that Matt had slept long enough, and it was time we got this show on the road. I opened the door, and smiled, seeing his feet hanging over the side of the bed. I stifled a giggle, then jumped on his bed.
“Wakie-wakie eggs and bakie!” I yelled.
“Ugh. Go away.” Matt moaned, jokingly.
“Now, now Matt, play nice.” I said, stretching out on my stomach next to him.
“Oh I’ll play nice.” He said, sitting up and smacking me in the head with a pillow.
I squealed. “Oh, it’s on now, buster.” I rose to my knees, getting smacked a couple more times in the process, but landing some of my own hits as well. We smacked each other for a few minutes, laughing, and I finally collapsed in a heap on his bed.
“Alright, alright.” I said, breathless. “I’m done.” My side ached from laughing so much.
Matt slammed down next to me, jostling me slightly. He propped himself up on his arm, looking down at me.
“So why did you wake me up at the butt crack of dawn again?” He asked, smiling.
“It’s not the butt crack of dawn, it’s eight-thirty, and we need to get a move on! I have a whole day of fun planned for us, and you’re wasting it laying around here.” I poked him in his side. “Lazy bones.”
“Oh I got your lazy bones.” And it started all over again, only this time Matt wasn’t using a pillow to attack me, but his fingers. I laughed until I cried, squirming all around the bed. Finally Matt stopped.
“OK! OK! You win!” I said, still laughing although he was no longer touching me. He looked down at me again, and gently brushed a hair away from my forehead. I couldn’t tear myself away from his eyes, they were so blue, I felt as If I was drowning in them. I felt myself become breathless again, this time it had nothing to do with laughing.
I swallowed hard, and cleared my throat, my mind blank, trying to think of something, anything to say.
“How was your visit with Kellie?” I blurted out.
I watched him flinch, and then his face was composed. He fell back on his back and sighed.
“It was OK. We’re fighting a lot. She thinks I’m ignoring her, but honestly I’m just crazy busy. This job means a lot to me, and I want to do my best. She doesn’t get it.”
“Yeah. A lot of people think that you can only be ambitious about your job is if you’re going to make a lot of money from it. It’s hard for some people to see why you’d put a lot of hours in, and not really get a monetary reward from it.” I paused, and then added “not many people work because they feel passionate about their careers. They work for the money. I can’t blame them for that, it’s hard sometimes, but I feel like it’s worth it.”
“I do too.” He said.
I patted his leg. “C’mon, let’s get a move on. I’ll make breakfast, you go shower.”
He got up with a groan, and stiffly walked over to his dresser, pulling out clothes, and heading to the bathroom. I waited until he was gone before I let out a groan of frustration. My life seemed to be full of guys that I couldn’t have. I forced myself to get up, and made a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs, bagels, and orange juice. Matt and I ate quickly, leaving the dogs outside while we ate, and then shut them in the crate and left the house.
“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” Matt asked as we climbed into my car.
“Uh-uh.” I said, smiling. “All I’m gonna tell you is that this is one of my most favorite spots in the world, and it’s a total must-see if you come to Columbus. And after, I’m going to take you to one of the best places to eat in Columbus.”
“C’mon, just tell me.” Matt whined.
“Nope.” I said, shaking my head. “A surprise isn’t a surprise if I tell you where we’re going.”
Matt gave up then, leaning back into the seat to pout. I watched him, from the corner of my eyes, noticing how his blue tee-shirt brought out the blue in his eyes. I wondered if he did that on purpose, and then I wondered if he flirted with me on purpose. I quickly shook off those thoughts though, knowing it was dangerous territory. I flicked on the radio, and re-focused my attention on driving.

Cayden is a gaelic name, it means Spirit of Battle.

OK, I have to first say something that was discussed in the comment section of the blog. Someone asked if I got paid for the ads on the side of the page. I do, only it's tricky because you only get paid so much per view, and you have to make a certain amount (I think it's 100 dollars, but I could be wrong) Right now I think I'm at 40 cents, lol. I don't know if I'll ever get to the 100 dollar mark. I don't know if the money resets every so often or what. But if you guys want to "pay" me in a way, you could sign up for swagbucks using my referral link, and then use it. Swagbucks is a search engine (I use search engines a lot.) It pulls from Google and Ask.com, so it's a pretty good one. Occasionally while you're searching, something will pop up saying "You just won x amount of swagbucks!" (You can win one up to 500 I think. The most I've won at once has been 2, but people have won 5 and 10) For every swagbuck YOU win, I win. They also have codes and code hunts via their blog and facebook page that you can get and enter. These are tricky, as some are hard to find, and they often expire quickly. There's a handy toolbar which I love, because it's super easy and fast for me to search. Anyway, you search, win swagbucks, and then you can go into their prize store and get some prizes. Their prize store is pretty big, and the prizes are obtainable. I've been on swagbucks for maybe a month, and I've traded my swagbucks in for two giftcards, a 25 dollar one for restaurants.com, and a 5 dollar amazon giftcard. Together they cost me 90 swagbucks. The thing to remember about giftcards though is ALL of them (with the exception of the starbucks giftcard.) Are only redeemable online, and a few of them cannot be combined with each other (The amazon giftcards though, can be. So you can buy and use as many as you want!) Also, the giftcards take 7-10 business days after you order them to be sent to you, so if Grandma's birthday is a few days away, and you want to use your amazon giftcard to buy her something, it's not going to get to you in time.

I know people are wary about getting something for nothing, but honestly I wouldn't use it if it were a lot of work or I got a ton of spam. I've gotten 3 emails from swagbucks in the month that I've used it, one was welcoming me, the other two were to verify that I ordered the giftcards. If you search a lot, it really IS a good thing. And you can help me out too!



That's my referral link, so if you click that and sign up, I win whatever you win!

The second thing you can do to help me out is, I'm looking for a certain stuffed animal. My son has picked it as his favorite and carries it with him everywhere. Of course, I can't find it in stores, and on ebay and amazon, it's like, 30 bucks (and the thing is tiny! A little bigger than a beanie baby!) It's a ty pluffie called Wades the hippo. If you see it in stores, or cheap on a website, PLEASE let me know. We have two but he gets dirty SO fast, and I want to have extra in case we lose one! Plus, one needs to head to Grandmas! Here's what he looks like:


I thought since my son's birthday is coming up, I should talk about my pregnancy/birth experience in this Whatever-Wednesday. I know a lot of you guys have children, and you can feel free to share about them. If you don't have kids, but maybe a special child in your life, a godson or daughter, a friends baby, a niece or nephew, little brother or sister, ect. You can share about them too!

My pregnancy is what I like to call accidentally on purpose. My husband and I were engaged, and I knew I wanted to be pregnant shortly after we married. Call me crazy, I know I'm young, but my main goal in life has always been to be a Mom. My biological clock has been ticking since I was 12, ha ha. I know some women dream of being lawyers and doctors and that's fine and good, but I always dreamed of being a Mother. The world needs mothers just as much as doctors and lawyers.

Anyway, my husband and I are both overweight. From everything I read, it SHOULD have taken us a long time to get pregnant. So, while we weren't actively trying, after we got engaged, I figured, while we probably should start trying, there wasn't any point to try not too. I really honestly didn't think I'd get pregnant. I figured even when we started actively trying, it would take months.

Go figure, I was wrong. I bought my wedding dress. Two days later it hit me that I hadn't had a period yet. I'm constantly skipping and late and all that jazz, but I took a test just in case. I was about to throw it away, when that little line appeared.

I took probably about 10 more tests, including going to two clinics to get one done. I just couldn't believe that I was pregnant. We couldn't return my wedding dress, so we bumped the wedding up and planned a small, beautiful wedding in about a week. It was better than probably any big wedding I could have had. During my first appointment, I kept waiting for the doctor to tell me I was wrong, that I wasn't pregnant. But I got to see my little guy, bouncing around on the screen. It was totally weird to see something hit you from the inside and not be able to feel it.





We opted to get a 3-d ultrasound done, which was amazing and I would recommend it to anyone. The place we went too was awesome, we could invite a whole bunch of people, they had a HUGE couch and a HUGE TV to watch it on. We "gave" it to our Mother's for Mother's Day, and my whole family was there when we found out I was having a boy. They were unable to get really good facial pictures because I was still semi-early in my pregnancy (20 weeks) so I got to come back a second time, for free. I got all the pictures put on a disk, as well as some printed, and both a vhs and a dvd of both sessions. It was well worth the 100-something dollars we paid. The first picture is the 20 week one, the second two are 30 weeks. I cried when I saw his tiny hands. I dunno why the hands did it for me, but they just did.









My whole pregnancy was pretty easy. I had VERY mild morning sickness that went away very quickly. I didn't really get any of the problems that often plague pregnant women. My three main complaints were I had LOTS of swelling, back pain, and horrible heartburn. I got hit with a heartburn attack on Mothers day that woke me up at 4 am and kept me up, vomiting and feeling just yucky. That first mother's day was cursed. My in-laws showed up SUPER early, earlier than they were supposed too, my husband got called into work, leaving me alone with them, I was feeling horrible, and to ice the cake we had a horrible storm, with a couple tornado's touching down, and my mother in law nagging me to leave, even though I was in no mood to move, and my family was on their way, and if a tornado were to hit, I don't think the safest place to be would in in a car trying to outrun it. The weather ending up getting better, my family showed up, helping out with the in laws, and my heartburn FINALLY went away in time to enjoy an amazing lunch.

The then end of my pregnancy hit. Any woman I think who has been pregnant will tell you, the beginning is OK, the middle is the best, and the end is some sort of sick torturous waiting game, where you just feel done, and every pang makes you wonder 'is this it? Is it over YET?'

That's when we got hit with bad news after bad news. First, I ended up in the hospital for non-movement, and just about had a heart attack when they couldn't find a heartbeat. Luckily they brought in an ultrasound, and he was OK, but it was probably the scariest few minutes of my life. My husband had fallen out his truck a few weeks earlier, and I insisted he go to the doctor. The doctor said there was nothing wrong, but if it was still bugging him in a few weeks, they'd send him to get a MRI. I told him he should have insisted on a MRI then, because with the baby coming we just didn't have time if he needed surgery. Well, turns out, he had torn both his ACL and his minicus, and needed surgery. Then, we found out shortly after that (and this may be TMI, but I've found after you've given birth, you're pretty much open to sharing whatever, so. Sorry.) I was going to need a c-section, because I was too small down there, and Cayden was too big. He wasn't dropping down in order to put pressure on me to dilate. My doctor said she'd let me go until the day after my due date (October 4th) But if I didn't go into labor by then, I would need a c-section.

Oh, it doesn't end there. A couple days before my husband surgery, we got hit with a HUGE windstorm. We had hurricane force winds, which left a LOT of the state without power. Including my husbands surgery center. They had to push the surgery back to the 20th of September. Two weeks later, I would be having my own surgery. To say I was a wreck was seriously an understatement. My husband had his surgery, and it was horrible. He was way worse off than we thought he would be, and I was little to no help (I was 9 months pregnant, so I was good at getting him things and running around, but when it came to helping HIM move, I was big and bulky myself, and so, it was a struggle.) He actually ended up falling in the front yard when he was trying to get in the house right after his surgery. He had a nerve block which left his leg completely numb. Not really being good on crutches, he tried to put his leg down on the ground and it of course didn't support him, and he fell. Luckily, because of the nerve block, he didn't feel anything, but I had no idea how to get him up. He also ended up spiking a fever and almost needing to go to the ER, which good thing THAT didn't happen, because I would have no idea how to get him into the car. We both ended up being exhausted and not sleeping much that week, Jeremy because he was in so much pain, and me because I was so pregnant, and sleeping on the ground or our crappy couch (my husband couldn't make it up the stairs to bed. I wouldn't leave him down there by himself because he hesitated to ask me for things when he was in the same room, I knew if I were upstairs he'd just wait till I came down, and he needed help doing EVERYTHING. I didn't want him to wait for a pill, or food, or to go to the bathroom.) I finally decided (against my husbands orders) to bring down our mattress. I waited till he fell asleep, pulled it off the bed, and wrestled it into the hallway and before I pushed it down the stairs yelled "Don't yell at me!". He tried to yell at me, but I told him the worst that would have happened is I would have gone into labor, which I wanted to do, and it was already downstairs, so yelling would do no good.

Jeremy took a week to recover. We ordered P'zones Thursday, and I started not feeling good. My heartburn was back and I was throwing up. OK, I thought, hold off on the pepperoni until Cayden gets here. Friday I still wasn't feeling good. I called the Doctors but they told me it was just end of Pregnancy pains, and to let it go. I had a doctors appointment on Monday, so I didn't worry about it too much. Saturday however, I couldn't eat or drink anything without vomiting, and I was having pains in my upper back. Into the hospital I went, where they told me I had a stomach bug, and having irritability contractions due to dehydration. They pumped me full of IVs and told me I could stay overnight and see the on call doctor in the morning, or go home. I thought I'd get more sleep at home, and I had an appointment with my own doctor on Monday, so I decided to go home. Big mistake. Before I even made it to the car, I was throwing up again. Still, we went home. Where Jeremy and I got no sleep. I was up screaming all night, I was in so much pain. At around 8 AM I think it was, I finally decided to go back to the hospital (don't ask me what made me wait so long, to this day, I still don't know. We had been waiting for the doctor to call back, and she never really did.)

We had to wait for my Mom to come get me, I knew I couldn't walk into the hospital, and there was no way for Jeremy to push me in a wheelchair on his crutches, and she flew to the hospital. I was mean to the nurse (which I feel badly for now. My Mom's a nurse, so I know they don't have an easy job. But this woman wanted me to register before I laid down, and I was like, uh uh, that ones not happening hon.)

Turns out, I had pancreatitus due to gall stones, which the nurse told me was comparable to giving birth naturally (I don't know, I've never given birth naturally. I will say I have NEVER been happier than when they gave me drugs. Oooh the pain was gone instantly.)All that "heartburn" I had been having were actually gall bladder attacks. Which would explain why ant-acids did NOTHING for me.





I know, I look amazing. I have been up all night and just been cut open, cut me some slack!

Cayden came out at 3:10 PM, weighing 8 lbs 10 oz, had hair on his 14 inch head, and was 21.5 inches long. He was gorgeous, but the bad news didn't end. He was having issues breathing, and I got to briefly touch his leg before they whisked him off to the NICU.

Luckily, again, it all worked out. They said by the time Cayden got up there, he was fine, and I got to hold him only a short while later. He was gorgeous, the most alert baby I've ever seen. The following picture was taken probably not even an hour after birth.





We still had hurdles to get through. That Monday my husband went to the doctor because he had an extreme pain in his leg. Turns out he had two blood clots, so, that was fun. I ended up needed two more surgeries (I had a stone stuck in one of my ducts that had to be removed before I had my gall bladder removed.) So, it was a fun ride. At first, I told everyone no more babies. It was too hard. But, of course, that went away a few weeks later, and I've had baby fever since. It's so wonderful, but also so hard to watch your baby grow and get bigger and change and do all these things he or she didn't used to it. On one hand, you want your baby to stay little, on the other, you want to see the people they become. I've learned that you've just got to enjoy every moment you have, but seriously, you blink, and it's gone.

Cayden is the best thing I've ever done, and he's the best part of me. It may sound totally cliche and corny, but that boy is my heart and soul.






Some of my favorite pictures (in various order):

Flashback: Even at my worst I'm best with you

Drew came back from the lake by himself. I watched him carefully, and when he caught me he just shook his head and shrugged. I wanted to talk to him about it, and ask where Jarren was, but Jacob had been stuck by my side all morning. It wasn’t annoying in the least, it was fun. I still felt a little ache whenever I looked at Jason and Kayla, but I figured that would happen for awhile, and it was time to move on. Drew came over to the table where Nick, Toni, Jacob and I were sitting. I gave up my seat to him, planning on going to grab a water and go look for Jarren, but Jacob seemed to have other plans, and pulled me down onto his lap.
We started a game of euchre, with me and Jacob playing as one person. I kept looking up to search for Jarren, but there was still no sight of her. We played a couple games, and then the boys decided to cook lunch. Jarren still wasn’t back, so I decided to go look for her while Jacob was busy helping the other guys.
I found her on the other side of the lake, sitting on a log and staring out at the water.
“You were right.” She said, not turning towards me when I approached. “He didn’t remember.”
“Oh hon, I’m so sorry.” I said sitting next to her. Jarren could be annoying, and a lot of her drama I felt she brought on to herself. But, she was my friend, and she did still have feelings, and I knew those feelings were hurt now.
“It’s just… Not fair, you know? It’s like. I get him not liking me. But why play with my emotions like that?” She said, throwing a rock into the water.
The day had grown warmer, and I was sweating a little under Jacobs sweatshirt, so I stood, shrugged it off, and tied it around my waist.
“He didn’t mean to Jarren. You know Drew, you know he’s not like that. And I’m not saying he wasn’t a dick to do so, but he was drunk. It was a dick move, but not one that was done on purpose.”
“I know that.” She snapped. “It’s just. It’s like, I liked Drew, he didn’t like me. I was starting to get over it, and then this happens. And I thought, hey, maybe playing hard to get worked. And, it almost would have been easier if this WAS done on purpose. Like I could say ‘oh he’s just a jerk, I don’t want a jerk.’ And leave it at that. But, I can’t even do that.” She slumped her head into her hands. “And how am I supposed to go back there? Everyone knows what’s going on.”
“No one knows what’s going on, Jarren. They were all drinking last night, so I doubt they remember.” I paused, not wanting to say this next part, but knowing that I should. “But, if you want to leave, we can go home.”
She paused for a minute, reaching down to pull the few blades of grass that had popped up stubbornly from the dust under her feet. I knew she was mulling it over, and I was terrified she’d say yes. I didn’t want to go, didn’t want to cut my time with Jacob or Jason short, but I understood her position, and if she said yes, I would leave.
“No. I don’t want to go. For one, it wouldn’t be fair to you, and for two, well. It would look like I was running away.” She sighed deeply.
“Jarren, I think you should just go back and have a good time.”
“That’s easy for you to say.” She said, pouting.
“I have to watch Jason with Kayla, and I’m still having a good time.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, but you also have Jacob falling over himself for you. You always have guys fawning over you.”
I laughed. “So not true Jarren. I haven’t had a boyfriend in a long while.”
“Yeah, because you haven’t let anyone be your boyfriend. Not because nobody wanted to be.”
I sighed. This was a pointless argument. Jarren was one a one-upper type of person, especially when it came to who had it worse. Maybe she was right, maybe I was luckier in love then she was. But, even if she was wrong, I knew she would never stop arguing that point, so I decided to give it up.
“Well.” I said, standing and dusting off my butt. “They’re fixing lunch, and I’m hungry, so I’m going back. You coming with me?”
Jarren didn’t say anything, but when I started walking, she joined me. When we reached the campsite, Jarren went into the tent, I assume to change out of pajamas. I looked over at Drew and mouthed “be nice”. He nodded back in return.
She came out, a smile plastered on her face. She kept her distance from Drew, but joked and laughed with the other group. Drew looked at me, and shot his eyebrows up as if to ask what was going on. I shrugged, and turned back to my food.
The day had warmed considerably, and we decided to try swimming. I hadn’t packed a bathing suit, but Drew had packed extra clothes (he always did, he was such a girl about packing and ALWAYS over packed.) and handed out shorts and tee shirts to all the girls. Jarren took hers, not even bothering to say thanks or looking at Drew.
“Must have not been that good.” Jason cracked, laughing. He stopped short when I shot him a look.
We got to the dock, and I dipped a toe in.
“Uh uh, no how, no way. I told you guys it was nuts to swim in September. I’m so not getting it.” I said, backing away from the water. The warmth in the air had done nothing to warm the lake, it was freezing to the point of pain.
Of course, my adamant refusal just made me a target. I should have been smart, and instead of whining sat down like Toni did, with just my feet in the water. I should have at least known what was coming.
“Oh Ella, c’mon, don’t be a wuss.” Jacob said, slinging his arm around me.
“I’m not getting in.” I said, crossing my arms across my chest.
The next thing I knew, I was flying through the air, and landed with a whack and a splash into the water. I didn’t even have time to scream, and when I surfaced, the water was too cold to scream. I felt like it was too cold to breathe.
A second later, I was joined by Kayla, who I guess either hadn’t been smart enough to run, or quick enough. I could hear Jarren squealing as she ran, and Toni threatening Nick. It didn’t help. There were two more splashes, and both of them were in the water with us. The boys stood on the dock, posing and high-fiving each other. I eyed Drew, and nodded my head slightly at Jacob and Jason, who were on the edge of the dock, cheering and laughing at us. He got what I was saying, ran up behind them, and pushed them in. And then, like the good sport he was, cannonball-ed in after them.
The girls set about getting their revenge, and, having more time to adjust to the water temperature, succeeded at first. We splashed and dunked the boys, laughing the whole time. Even Jarren broke out of her funk, laughing and dunking Drew.
We splashed around, dunking each other, swimming, playing chicken and marco-polo. Finally, we all got out, laying side by side on the dock, and let the sun warm and dry us. It really was the perfect end to a perfect day, and I wish more than anything, someone could have taken a picture of all of us lying side by side. But, it’s still a memory I’ll never forget.
It had to end, because one: I can’t stand being in wet clothes and two: we were hungry and needed to eat. We went back to the tents, the boys waiting patiently while the girls changed, and the girls going to sit down. Jason came out and built a fire, and the rest of the guys joined in to help him prepare dinner.
We had gotten steaks for the last night, to celebrate, along with potatoes and corn on the cob. I’ve said it before, there’s nothing better than food cooked over an open flame. Nobody talked while we ate, too busy to enjoy the food. The boys had a few beers, but were nowhere near drunk. They knew they had to get up early tomorrow in order to pack up and hit the road, and I think they wanted to be able to remember this night. We packed up as much stuff as we could into the cars tonight, and sat around the fire again, drinking, singing, telling stories again. Someone busted out a bag of marshmallows, and we made smores.
Jacob looked at me, not speaking, and nodded his head towards the lake, I stood, and he followed. Neither one of us spoke until we reached the dock.
“Hey you.” He said quietly, pulling me towards him. We kissed for a little while, his hands on my waist, my arms around his shoulders. He looked at me seriously when he pulled away.
“Lots of military guys move way too fast, I think. They think they have to secure a girlfriend, or a wife, as soon as possible. I don’t want to do that. I like you, El, but I don’t want to ask you to be my girlfriend just because I’m leaving.”
I nodded, looking out at the water, not sure how I felt about all this.
“I didn’t expect you too.” I finally answered.
“I know, I’m just saying. I would love the chance to get to know you better. Is it OK, if I write or email you? Maybe call every once in awhile if I get the chance?”
I smiled. “Of course, I’d like that.”
We stood there a little while longer, but I don’t think either of us wanted to be away from the group for long. It’s not that I didn’t want to spend time with Jacob, but I wanted to spend time with everyone. As much time as we had left.
At some point, someone suggested it would be easier if we tore down one of the tents tonight, and all bunked together. It would be one less thing clean up and pack up in the morning, but I think again, the real reason was, none of us were really ready to leave each other. We wanted to spend as much time as possible together, even if we were just sleeping during that time.
The boys tore down the tent and packed it up while us girls tried to stuff the other tent with wall to wall air mattresses. It was kind of like being in a bounce house.
We headed to bed not too long after, laying down and talking some more, playing footsie with each other, stealing blankets and laughing. Finally, one by one we lost people, until it was down to just Jason and I.
I don’t know how we ended up next to each other, but we did. It was Nick, Toni, Drew, Kayla, Jason, me, Jacob, and Jarren. Kayla was facing away from Jason, snoring lightly, and Jacob had his arm slung around me, breathing deep and evenly. I turned towards Jason, only checking to see if he was still awake. I didn’t think so at first, until I felt his hand on my face, tracing it gently. He ran his thumb down my jawline and over my lips gently, as if he was trying to commit every feature to memory. Finally, with his hand in mine, we both fell asleep.

So let's find a bar, so dark we forget who we are...

The week was a crazy one. The interns were good, but still new, so they needed a lot of help, even with simple tasks, like teaching them how to use our crazy, temperamental copy machine. Monday was a decent day, although I was running my butt off, showing the interns what to do, and prepping them on our policies and procedures. Tuesday I ended up getting chewed out by a parent who was angry that I had “let” her daughter get her good clothes muddy. (Word to all your parents out there: Kids GET dirty, it’s like, their job. So if you want to keep good clothes clean, don’t send them to school and an after school program where kids frequently play outside, or pack them a change of play clothes.) Wednesday was the worst though. Sandy (Big Momma), ran her own after school program at another location. We had found out that day that her program would be featured on the news, and not for good reasons. Earlier in the month a girl had been playing on the playground and had fallen and broken her arm. Now, I don’t like Big Momma, I think she’s lazy, but she does train her workers very well, and I believe them when they say they followed procedure to a T. They first called her parents, and when they couldn’t reach them, were going to call the squad to transport her to the hospital. Her Dad walked in as they were calling the squad, and told them he would transport her to the hospital himself. Well, now her Mom was claiming that the workers had let the girl lay there after she fell for so long that she ended up wetting her pants, and had yelled at her when they finally did find her. The news was doing a story on it, casting our agency in a bad light. We were anticipating being sued. With the economy being so bad, and funding getting slashed, it would probably be a fatal blow. Not to mention, Big Momma was like a wounded elephant, lashing out and snapping at everyone. Everyone was stressed, and the interns looked baffled to be caught in such a whirlwind of negativity, not knowing how to help.
I was stressed for work, staying late and coming in early, and I was looking forward to Greg and my date on Thursday. I was nervous though, when I didn’t hear from him at all on Monday, and downright agitated when I didn’t hear from him on Tuesday.
Finally on Wednesday I got a voicemail, apologizing for being out of touch. Greg had gotten a substitute job, and between that and the gigs at the club, he had been busy.
“I am still looking forward to taking you out tomorrow, if you’ll still let me. If you text me your address, I can pick you up, does around seven work? If it doesn’t, let me know. If I don’t answer, just leave me a message with a time that does work. I’m open all day. Alright. Bye.”
I texted him back my address, and told him that earlier would be better. I decided that drama or not at work, I was leaving early. I also knew exactly where we would go.
They didn’t like it at work when I told them I had a doctors appointment and needed to leave at three, but I didn’t care. Everyone left work early all the time, or dicked around while at work. I deserved a break too. Stacey agreed to drive Matt home for me, and I left at three, changed, and put on makeup. I kept my hair down, slipping a pair of sunglasses on my forehead to hold my hair out of my face. I let the dogs out, and texted Greg that I’d be out back when he got here.
Greg came and played with the puppies for a few minutes, and then I brought him inside and gave him the grand tour. We locked up the puppies, and headed to his car, a rugged Jeep Wrangler Sport.
“Not what I was expecting, Mr. Dangers.”
“What were you expecting?” He asked, walking me to the door and giving me a hand up.
“I don’t know exactly. A sedan?”
Greg laughed. “Yeah, right.” He walked over to his side and hopped in. “So, are you going to tell me this mysterious location.”
“Nope, you’ll see when we get there. I think it’ll be right up your ally.” I said, smiling secretly.
Greg and I talked easily, he told me about his new sub job, a shop teacher, and how he was glad it wasn’t a real class because he sure sucked as a shop teacher. I filled him in on how the interns were doing, and all the drama that was going on, interrupting him only to give him directions. We drove for a half hour, but as soon as we were in sight of the place, Greg broke out into a large smile.
“I can’t believe it! Do you know, I haven’t been to a fair in forever?” He exclaimed, excited.
“You work at fairs all summer long!” I answered, glad that he liked it. I was afraid because he worked at a fair, that he wouldn’t be interested in going to one.
“I know.” He answered, after parking and walking over to my side of the car to help me down. “But, I’m working, and I often refrain from doing things so I don’t get burnt out on fairs. I don’t eat fair food because if I did eat it all summer long, I’d be about five hundred pounds, I don’t ride the rides because it’s really no fun riding by yourself, I take in some shows, but mainly I perform and head back to the trailer to wait till the next show.”
“That doesn’t sound as exciting as I imagined.” I replied, smiling when he slipped his hand into mine before we started walking towards the front gate.
I tried to pay. I argued with Greg that since I was the one that planned the date, I should be the one to pay for it, but he was having none of it. He countered with the fact that he had been the one to originally ask me out, so he was going to cover the fun for this evening.
“If you really feel badly about it, you can buy me a funnel cake or something.” He said, waving me off when I reached for my purse.

To be honest, while I thought Greg might enjoy coming to a fair, I really picked the date for me. I thought it would be a fun way to relax and blow off some steam and have fun, and I had always wanted to go with a date to a fair. I thought it was the perfect date, filled with plenty of opportunities to laugh, talk, goof off, and eat. And then, when the sun set, the lights of the fair would make it a romantic place to be, giving us a perfect setting for what I hoped to be our first kiss.
Our first stop was rides. I’m not a big rider, in fact, I’m terrified, but I have a “I’ll try anything once” type of attitude which I’m surprised hasn’t gotten me killed yet. I did, however, refuse to get on anything that spun. I knew me, and while I wasn’t scared of the rides per-say, I was scared of the effect they would have on me after I got off. I didn’t want to spend my first official date with Greg puking into a nasty fair trashcan, and I didn’t think he wanted to spend our first date holding my hair back.
Greg, was a ride warrior. He loved the roller coasters, as “weak” as he claimed they were, riding the whole time laughing with his hands in the air. I didn’t find these coasters weak in the least bit, and spent my time screaming, cursing, and holding on for dear life. There was this one coaster, called the mouse trap or something of that nature, that I think was designed to make you pee your pants. It wasn’t that tall, and gave off a kid-friendly vibe with colorful yellow tracks and cars shaped like mouse heads. I agreed to go on it, thinking this was the one ride that I could act brave on and Greg wouldn’t make fun of me for. How wrong I was. The coaster didn’t even go up that high, or have any serious drops, but what it did do was hit the turns hard, and spin. Not enough to make me feel sick, but enough to make me feel like every time we hit a turn (and there were a lot of them) that I was going to get thrown out of the car.
We got off the ride, Greg laughing at me, me eyeing the mouse trap warily, and Greg started laughing even harder when we noticed a group of young kids get on, laughing the entire time. I pretended to pout, and this made Greg sling and arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him.
“It’s OK Ella. I don’t mind that you’re a ride wuss. I think it’s kinda cute.”
I slapped him gently on the shoulder, laughing and pulling away. He grabbed my hand and pulled me back next to him. We walked on, stopping to eat here and there, snacking on foods that had to be extremely dangerous to your health: deep fried cheese on a stick, deep fried oreos, funnel cake, elephant ears, caramel apples… It was all so good, and obviously horrible for you.
The food carts were located in the mid-way, so as we stopped to taste something here and there, we were passing game after game. Finally, Greg stopped in front of one.
“You know, it wouldn’t be a real carnival date unless I won you an obscenely large stuffed animal that you’ll have no use for.”
“As long as you realize you’re the one that’ll be lugging around that obscenely large stuffed animal for the rest of the night.” I said.
“Oh, we do free baby-sitting.” The carnie running the tent piped up (is carnie a politically correct term, and if not, what do I call the people who work at the carnival?)
“Uh, what’s that?” I asked.
“You win a large prize, we watch it until you come back.” He looked explained, looking at me like I was dumb to not know that already.
Greg smiled at me. “See? It looks like it was fate.”

Twenty minutes AND twenty dollars later, Greg had won me that obscenely large stuffed animal. It was a giant turtle that probably cost five cents to make in some sweatshop in China. But, he looked so proud of himself that I squealed and clapped my hands and I imagined girls do in situations like this.
By the time we were done, it was dark. I checked my watch and was surprised to see it was already nine-thirty. I knew I needed to go into work a little early tomorrow, to make up for what I missed today, and that it was still a pretty long drive home. But there was one more thing I wanted to do before we left, something I had saved for when it was dark outside. It was where I was expecting I would get that highly anticipated first kiss.
I don’t like Ferris Wheels. I don’t like being up so high, and I don’t like the rocking of the carts. I was extremely nervous the first go around, but once we spun a few times, I started to relax and feel more comfortable. The view was gorgeous. You couldn’t see the stars due to the light of the fair, but the lights at the fair were almost like stars themselves. We went around a few times, stopped a few to let people on and off, and then, it finally happened. We got stopped at the top. Greg and I had been talking here and there, and he had moved his arm around me. I leaned up against his chest, looking up at him. When his head leaned towards mine, I closed my eyes, and waited for his lips… Which then landed on my forehead. I opened my eyes, surprised, and looked to see what he was waiting for. Greg wasn’t even looking at me, but back out over the fair. He sighed.
“Isn’t it gorgeous up here?” He asked.
“Yup, sure is.” I answered, still studying him to see if I could figure out what, exactly I had done wrong.
We were let off the ride shortly after. We walked back to the game we had played, and picked up my huge turtle. We then walked back to the car, where Greg helped me back up into the jeep, and stopped to shove the turtle into the back. We drove home in a comfortable silence. I was occupied by my thoughts on why Greg hadn’t kissed me, and Greg was singly along quietly with the radio. We pulled up to the house, and once again, Greg walked over to help me out. He lugged out the giant turtle, and carried it was one hand, while holding my hand in the other.
“You want to come in?” I asked, fumbling through my purse for my keys.
“I do, but I better not, I know you have work early tomorrow, and I have school.” He answered, propping the turtle against the wall.
“Yeah…” I trailed off, looking up from my purse at him.
“I had a good time Ella. Can I see you again?”
“Sure you can.” I said, smiling.
“Tomorrow?” He asked, smiling. I laughed.
“Sure, why not?”
“Alright. I have a show, but after? You don’t have anything going on Saturday, do you?”
“Home visits for the dogs, but not till afternoon.”
“Good, I can keep you out late.” He said, putting his hands on my hips and pulling me closer.
I was once again, expecting a kiss. But, once again, Greg hugged me, kissed me on the forehead, and pulled away, turning to wave once he reached his car. I watched him drive off, and then turned to bang my head up against the front door, frustrated with myself.