Flashback: So please... Come home soon

It was weird with Jason being gone. I tried to pretend that he was just across the country, in California, doing his trainings, and that he was either too busy to call, or we were in an argument, but it never seemed to work. His absence tinged everything I did, and was always in the back of my mind. Any idle moment I had, my brain wondered towards the thought of him, trying to conjure up what he might be doing, if he was tired, sick, or hurt. If he was still alive even. I tried to stay away from the negative, but I did wonder how long it would take to find out if anything were to happen to him. I missed him in a way I’d never really missed anything or anyone before, and my mood remained somber, as hard as I tried to fake happiness.

I awoke one night to a particularly bad dream. I couldn’t remember all of it, just bits and pieces. One thing that stuck out in my mind was that in the dream I found a baby picture of Jason, and knew instantly that he had died. I woke up in such a panic and such a sense of... Urgency. I felt like I needed to do something, and I was desperate to know that he was still alive, and OK, but had no real way of finding out for sure. I fired off an email to him, realized that it had been weeks since I had heard anything from him. And then, despite the fact that it was five in the morning, I called Drew.

I was surprised when he answered and actually sounded awake.

“What are you doing up?” I questioned.

“I haven’t been sleeping so well.” He answered, and I could hear the same somberness in his voice that had been on the edge of mine these past couple of months.

“Me either.” I admitted. “I just don’t like not knowing. I mean if something where to happen, I guess I could handle it, what other choice do we have really? But, I just feel like I’m sitting here and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t like it.”

“I know what you mean. Have you heard from him lately?” He asked, sounding hopeful.

“No. I get an email now and then. He says he’s busy, and I mean, that’s understandable. Plus the internet connection is obviously shoddy. I just wish he’d write more often, you know? Even if the only thing he says is, ‘I’m alive and OK.’ It would just make it a lot easier.”

“Have you talked to Kayla at all?”

I sighed. “No. I don’t want too.”

“She hears from him more often, you know.”

I felt a wave of hurt pierce my heart and flow through my bloodstream. I figured this. I still didn’t want to know it.

“Yeah, well…” I trailed off, not really knowing how to finish or respond to that.

“I just think you two could be friends, is all. You’re a lot alike you know.”

I laughed bitterly. “Drewbie, that’s like, the last thing I wanted to hear.”

“I know, I know. I just think you guys might be a source of comfort to each other.”

“I don’t need comfort, Drewbie. I need Jason to come home.”

“You need a project, something to take your mind off of it. Dwelling on the fact that he’s gone is only going to make time move slower.”

“Like what Drew? I do all I can, I try to fill in my time as much as possible, I have work and school. Do I need take up knitting or something?”

Drew laughed. “No, but maybe you could do something to help the cause, you know? Like, letters to troops. I mean you have your after school program, you could have your kids draw pictures and cards and stuff. And, you can send care packages. I mean there’s tons of organizations for that.”

“That’s not a half-bad idea Drew!” I exclaimed, wondering why I hadn’t thought of it. I sent care packages to Jason and Jacob, but there were tons of soldiers who didn’t have anyone to send them anything.

“Speaking of supporting the troops, heard anything for your boyfriend?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend. If you’re asking about Jacob, he’s not my boyfriend. We’re just friends.”

“On your way to becoming more.” Drew interjected.

“Maybe, maybe not. Only time can tell really. But yeah, I get emails usually once a week, and a letter now and then. He’s doing good.” I said, smiling and thinking of Jacob. Distance can make or break you when you’re just starting out in a relationship. But, I think Jacob and my relationship was going to be made.

“Alright, El. I better go. If I’m going to be this awake I might as well be doing something productive.”

“Are you implying that it is not productive to talk to me?” I said, acting insulted.

“I’m not implying, I’m stating.” Drew joked.


When we got off the phone, I got online to research organizations that dealt with letters to the troops. I found one that I liked, and signed up to get a soldier assigned to me in particular. I would get a letter of his needs/wants, and put together care packages for him, as well as write him letters. Then I found a letter drive, where people could write generic letters and have them sent to soldiers, and took down the address of where to mail the letters. Next I made up a template for the cards. My kids were young, and could draw, but I didn’t really feel like telling them how to spell thank you soldier over and over again. So I wrote the words out on a blank card, and decided to let them draw the picture to go with it. If they wanted to add on an extra message, they could.


By that time it was time to get ready for class, so I shut down my computer, jumped into the shower, got dressed, packed my things, and left the house.


It was the same thing every day, a routine that I could carry on without thinking. School, work, home, homework, food, bed. Rinse and repeat. Weekends my parents tried to keep me busy, there were day trips planned and shopping trips, and my Mom signed us up to volunteer at a shelter, walking dogs and cleaning kennels. Everyone figured keeping me busy was best, that it would distract me, keep my mind off things, and help make time go faster. It didn’t work. Everything became so routine that I could do it with my eyes closed, and it allowed my mind to wander.

Even the letters to the troops project didn’t really help. I felt good about being able to do my part to help boost morale, but it kept my kids in group quiet and occupied. They could draw and color for hours on end. Which, again, left me free to think. I used this time to write lengthy letters to Jacob and Jason, and also my soldier pen pal.


The months marched on. Before I went to bed each night, I marked off an X on my calendar, counting down days like a kid waiting for their birthday, or Christmas. Thanksgiving passed, this year with Drew coming down to spend the day with our family. His family didn’t celebrate much of anything, so he tended to spend the holidays with us, where my house was annoyingly full of people and food. This year there were no eat off contest between Drew and Jason. We didn’t take a group nap on my bed like we did the previous years, but we did raid the fridge at midnight and stayed up all night watching bad movies. We did leave the house early to go shopping on Black Friday. I did snag some good deals, including some gifts for Jacob and Jason, not knowing when they’d get to open them. I usually loved Christmas, and searching for the perfect gift for someone filled me with such joy. But, this year, like everything else, I felt like I was just going through the motions.


Christmas came. Once again, Drew came down for Christmas eve, and just like always at midnight we exchanged gifts. I had splurged this year, feeling sentimental about losing Jason, and wanting to show Drew how much I did love and appreciated him. I had found a really nice watch that I knew Drew would love. Drew shocked me and gave me a prayer box necklace. I cried, it was not only beautiful but meaningful as well.

The biggest present I got was being able to talk to Jason and Jacob for a few minutes. Again, I cried, hearing their voices, but as soon as I got off the phone, I regretted talking to them at all. Hearing their voices was like picking a scab off too early, and my wound had reopened. It was even harder than before to not think about them, and I tried even harder to find something, anything, to occupy my mind. Nothing seemed to work, and I finally gave in to just counting the days.

Holidays flew by, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Easter… So did Birthdays, mine, Drew’s, Nick’s, Jacobs…


It happened slowly, the days down became even with the days to go, and then suddenly outnumbered the days to go. We started out counting months, then weeks. Now we were down to days, and then hours. It was like it had been storming for months, and slowly the rain let up, then the clouds parted. I was starting to see bits of sunshine. I started to get happy, I started to feel lighter, I started to not worry so much. Before I knew it, I started to pack for our trip out to California for Jason and Jacob’s welcome home party. It was over. The wait was over and my boys would be coming home, and they were safe.

I’m not a religious person. But, the moment I realized that, I couldn’t help dropping to my knees and thanking God profusely.