Flashback: And fate has led you through it, you do what you have to do

When I saw the test, I laughed. And then I slunk down onto the dirty bathroom floor and rested my head on my knees. It couldn’t be true. Could it? I mean the last person I had slept with was Jason. We didn’t use anything. How could we have not used anything?
Because getting pregnant had never crossed my mind. STDs did, but I knew Jason had gotten checked during his physical for the Marines, and I knew he was clean. I couldn’t be pregnant. It just didn’t compute. The test must be wrong, I did only buy a cheap wal-mart brand. I needed to go back, get a more expensive kind. That one would be negative.
I left the bathroom, grabbing the fries and coke that were waiting for me on the counter. I dumped the fries on my way out the door, no longer hungry, but gulped the coke. I started going over the last eight weeks in my mind, searching for any tell tale pregnancy signs.
I had been tired, but. I had also spent my days dealing with heat, hiking, and children, and was not sleeping well at nights. I was peeing more, but, I had been drinking a lot more water since I was at camp. I hadn’t gained any weight, had actually lost some from stopping late night snacking and walking all the time. I had been having frequent headaches, and I was feeling a little sick to my stomach at random times, but I had chalked it up to the heat, stress, and lack of sleep. And, again, I hadn’t had a period in awhile. But I never seemed to be regular, and at times of stress and high activity I could miss months at a time. I never really batted an eyelash anymore when I was late.
I ran into wal-mart and grabbed the most expensive test they had. I figured the more expensive the better. This one would clearly tell me that this was all a mistake. This test would tell me that there was no one I could possibly be pregnant. I went straight from the checkout to the bathroom. I had finished my coke and managed to squeeze out a few more drops. Again, I didn’t have to wait before the little plus sign popped up.
“No.” I said. “No, no, no, no.” It bounced off the walls and echoed. I could feel it bouncing around in my head, the word pregnant, followed shortly by the word no. I heard the door to the bathroom open and close, sneakers squeak in, each sound magnifying. I flushed the toilet and stuck the pregnancy test in my pocket. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it, but just throwing it away didn’t feel right. I washed my hands and left, making it as far as the benches outside of wal-mart before I sat. I watched cars pull in at out, people with babies, couples, old people, young people, single people… I just sat and watched. I felt like I was in a coma, unable to move, but aware of everything going on around me.
My phone rang, and when I reached for it automatically, I was surprised to see I was actually able to move at all.
“Hello?” I answered, I jumped at the sound of my own voice.
“Where ARE you? You’ve been gone for hours.” Drew’s voice was a mixture of annoyance and concern. Worry, and irritation.
“Oh Drew. I have a problem…”

Drew drove over to the Wal-mart in his Dad’s old green beat up work truck. It was loud, and I could hear it coming before I saw it. I climbed in. We drove, without speaking, leaving my car and my things behind. I hadn’t told him anything on the phone, I didn’t know how, exactly to tell him. I wanted to have more tact than to just blurt it out, but… I wanted it over quickly. The truck had no air conditioning, but the night air was cool. The windows were down which made it too loud to talk in the truck. My palms were sweating, and I wiped them on my pants distractedly. Drew turned off the main road and onto a dirt rub. I winced as I bounced around in the truck, wondering if this was bad for the baby. I winced again when I realized my drinking last night couldn’t have been too great for little Cletus the Fetus either. He stopped the truck and got out. I waited until I heard him climb onto the bed before I got out. I walked around, my eyes on the ground, until I reached the back of the truck. Reaching up a hand, Drew pulled me up along side him. He had piled old pillows into the back of the truck. It was kind of a tradition with all of us, driving into the country, loading the back of whoever’s truck we took with people, pillows, and a cooler. We’d party, dance, laugh, and shoot the shit for hours. Now it was just me and Drew, and we could hear crickets and other night country sounds. They were closing in on me, and I started to fidget in my nervousness.
Drew reached into the cooler he had brought, handing me a coke. I tapped it twice – a habit, and popped the top. I took a long drink. Drew opened his own drink and took a sip. We still sat, side by side, in total silence. While Jason knew how to handle me without making me feel like I was being handled, Drew knew how to read me. He knew when to press me for more information, and when to sit back and let things come out in their own time.
I cleared my throat and looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “You said something this afternoon, and it made me realize something.”
I watched as Drew straightened himself, looking almost pleased, ready to hear the news. Still, he waited, not saying anything.
“I…” I trailed off. I guess this was it. “I haven’t had a period in awhile. Since before I stopped talking to Jason, actually. That night, Drew. I slept with him. We… We didn’t use anything and…”
Drew was now looking at me, his eyes in wide, intense, disbelief. “No, Ella.” He said, shaking his head.
“Yeah Drew. I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.”
“Oh.” This was more of a noise than a statement. All the air seemed to whoosh out of his body, and he looked deflated.
“What am I going to do?” I asked, aware of how small my voice sounded.
“Tell Jason.” Drew stated.
“Yeah, Drew. That’s it. The last time I saw him, I was leaving him angry, I haven’t spoken to him in months, and suddenly I’m supposed to pop back up with, oh hey, long time no talk. Hey, funny story, I think you knocked me up? Oh, and good luck on your deployment nobody wanted to tell meabout.”
“You know about that?” Drew asked. Now it was his turn to sound small.
“Yeah. Thanks to, guess who?” I said. Drew shook his head. “Kayla. Kayla fucking Kangaroo called me.” We called Kayla Kayla Kangaroo because she was usually very upbeat and jumpy, like a kangaroo.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you. But, Jason told me not too. He didn’t want you to come back to him because of that.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Kayla actually took a big risk calling you. Jason’s going to be livid if he finds out.”
For a second, I contemplated letting him know that Kayla had spilled the beans. I was sure it would ruin any future chance of a relationship. But, Kayla did it to help me, and I was actually grateful to her for letting me know.
“You still have to tell him.” Drew spoke, interrupting my thoughts.
“But, I don’t wanna.” I whined. “I better do this in person. Will you go with me?” I asked.
“To California?” Drew asked, looking at me like I was crazy.
“Cali? Why would I go to… Ooooh, yeah.” It had honestly slipped my mind that Jason wasn’t just a short drive away from Drew’s. He was gone.
“I mean, I think you need to tell him in person as well. I can get you a cheap ticket to Twentynine Palms, but. Ella, you’re gonna have to do this one yourself.”
“But… I don’t wanna.” I repeated again. “I mean, shouldn’t I at least make sure?”
“There’s a clinic. I’ll call and get you an appointment. But, I think you should still go out there. I mean, even if you’re not…” He paused, not being able to say the word. “I think it’s time you and Jason made up.”

Drew and I sat in the truck a little while longer, neither one of us talking. I took out my cell phone at some point and texted Jason:
Will be in your area in a few days. It’s been awhile. Can you spare some time to catch up?
He texted back a lot sooner than I thought he would:
Who told you?
I knew he was talking about his deployment, but I decided to play dumb.
Who told me what, Jay?
Nothing. He texted back. When will you be here? Weekends are the only time I really have free.

I told him I wasn’t sure of my flight yet, but would make sure it was over a weekend. I told him I’d let him know the details, and asked if he’d book me a hotel in his area. He agreed. Drew and I sat for a little bit longer, and then headed back to his house. We looked online and found a flight for that weekend. I texted Jason with the information. I’d stay at Drew’s until then, and head out to California.
Had I mentioned I didn’t want to go?

Drew called the clinic and got me in the next day. I was shocked, as back home it was at least a week later that you’d get into any planned parenthood (I had accompanied a friend once.)
We got in early, and I realized it was before the clinic was even officially opened for the day. I became suspicious.
“Drew. How’d you do this?” I whispered to Drew as the nurse ushered us directly into the inner offices.
“I do landscaping for one of the doctors that works here. I’ve seen some… Things.” Drew blushed at the thought. “Let’s just say, he owes me a favor. A big favor.” He stopped talking as I sat on the table, the nurse asking me several questions before taking basic blood pressure and pulse information. She handed me a cup and pointed me down the hall to a bathroom. I peed, washed my hands, and came back.
“I’m gonna need you to strip down to this gown. Here’s a blanket for your legs. I know it gets a little chilly in here.” She said, smiling and handing me a thin, worn gown. What she called a blanket just looked like a giant paper napkin to me.
“I can, uh, leave, if you want.” Drew answered, standing up.
“No Drew.” I said, a little too quickly. “I’m just. I’m scared.”
“OK.” He said. “I’ll stay.” He slid back down, but closed his eyes. “You can change. I won’t look.”

I changed quickly, goosebumps rising on my arms instantly. The air conditioner was on a little high in this place. Once I gave the OK, Drew looked up. Seeing my discomfort, he handed me his jacket he’d been wearing this morning.
When the doctor knocked on the door, I jumped.
“Hi, Ella. I’m Dr. Paul.” She said, smiling warming and reaching for my hand. “The results of your pregnancy test are positive. So, congratulations. I’m going to do an ultrasound to determine exactly how far along you are, and to make sure the pregnancy is a viable one.” She said, looking through a folder. She put down the folder and pulled open a drawer, pulling on some gloves and a bottle of gel.
“Because we’re not sure how far you are, I’m going to do a vaginal ultrasound. If you’re not very far along, it’ll give us a better picture. Just lay back, and try to relax.” She said, squirting some gel onto the end of a wand. I had to laugh as I saw Drew wince. Boys, never realized how easy they had it.
She asked if I wanted to see the baby, and after a few seconds hesitation, I nodded. It was weird, to see something jumping around inside me, but not being able to feel it move.
She printed a few pictures, and took off her gloves. She washed her hands. Sitting down on her stool, she made a few notes in my file, and affixed one picture. The rest she put into an envelope and handed to me.
“Let’s talk options. I would guesstimate that you’re about twelve weeks along. That’s based on measurements, and I could be wrong. It’s hard to guess at any age, but at this early in your pregnancy it’s especially difficult.” She paused, letting me take in the information. “Now, do you have any idea what you plan on doing?”
I shook my head slowly. Twelve weeks? I mean, 3 months did seem about right, but..
“Well, options. There’s always keeping it. If you decide to do that, I can either set you up here with a doctor, or refer you to one.”
“I’m not from here, I was just visiting for awhile…” I said dully.
“Well, then, I still might be able to refer someone where you live. Then there’s abortion. Which, if you’re considering that option, I can also refer you to places. Although, this late, in the state of Indiana it would have to be done in a hospital, which gets quite expensive. But, you said you weren’t from here. Then there’s adoption, which again, I can refer you to some places for that as well. Whatever you do, there are options. However, whatever you decide, it needs to be done quickly. The sooner you have an abortion, the better. And if you decide to keep it, or choose adoption, you still need to be seen, every month. When you leave, stop by the check out counter, the nurse will have some pamphlets and prenatal samples for you. You need to take one a day. Most women find it easiest to take it in the mornings, but if you find yourself getting sicker in the mornings, try switching your pill taking time to night time. When you get in to your regular doctor, if that’s how you chose to go, they can write you a prescription for more. Any questions?”
“Um. I’m going to California… Is it safe to fly?”
“When are you going?”
“This Friday. The father… He’s stationed there…”I trailed off, looking at my hands.
“Yes, it’ll be safe to fly. I believe most airlines allow you up to thirty-two or thirty-four weeks.”
“What do I do?” I asked, looking up at her face for probably the first time since she walked in. She was younger than I thought she was.
She smiled. “Ella, you do what you think is right. And if you decide to keep the baby, whether for yourself or for adoption, the nurse will give you plenty of information on what to eat, and how to stay healthy. And if you decide not to keep the baby, the nurse will give you plenty of information on how to stay healthy. It’s your body. It’s up to you.”
“Thank you.” I whispered.

Post up later today

I've decided to post tonight, but later. Maybe even after midnight so it's technically Saturday, I figure that way we can compromise and kind of keep on schedule. If I get tired and don't think I'm gonna make it to midnight (these past couple days I've been getting really bad headaches at night and the only way they go away is if I sleep, so.) then I'll post before then. I'm also hoping that since I'll have the afternoon baby free (he's going to Grandma's for the night.) I'll be able to catch up some. Since I've been going to bed early I haven't had as much time to write.

Also, I know a lot of you don't post comments, and we haven't really had a lot of issues with comments, but I wanted to kinda set some ground rules in case we do.

I have no issues with people stating their opinions/personal experiences in the comments. If you can relate to something going on with Ella or one of the other people, feel free to share. If you think something I write is not good, or unbelievable, or you don't like the way Ella or someone else acted, feel free to share. I don't have an issue with being criticized or anything like that, I actually like it, as it'll help me improve. However, what I don't like is when people argue (there is a difference between arguing and debating or discussing.), tell other people their opinion is wrong (there's nothing wrong with disagreeing with someone else's opinions, but an opinion can't be wrong.) Or name call. Name calling is not criticizing, it's being mean.

Again, I haven't had any issues, but have noticed issues on a few other blogs I read, and I just wanted to get that out there BEFORE we have an issue. Again, if you have a criticism for me, I'm all ears. I'm even more ears if you have praise. I won't delete ANY comments unless they are outright mean (and again, telling me you don't like the way I do something isn't what I'd consider mean.)

Just wanted to say that.

First you gotta decide what you're going to do, then you gotta do it

A little note: I've been trying to post every other day. Right now I have a little bit written ahead, and I've been able to stay ahead (I like being ahead and that way if something should come up, as long as I have access to the internet and my laptop, and five seconds to spare, I can always post.) If I should run low on time, or run low on ideas on where to take this, then posting my slow down to two or three times a week. But, I figure, right now I have it, so why not post it? However, Saturday it looks like I'll be gone pretty much the whole day, and Sunday is looking iffy as well. (I spend the day with the inlaws on Saturday. The WHOLE day.) So, my question is, would you rather get a post today AND tomorrow, and skip the weekend, or get a post today, and then not another one until Sunday, MAYBE Monday? I'm obviously posting today either way, but just let me know on the other half. Here's today's post:

The rest of Drew’s visit went by, and was relatively boring. We picked up a futon at Ikea, and he helped me put it together. He still insisted on sleeping in my bed, and though there was this nagging feeling that it was still a bad idea, with all the other drama I was facing – Jason’s impending visit with his new bride being number one on that list – The imagined feelings I feared developing for Drew were totally gone.
I did get an email back from the magician at the club.

GreatDangers@Gmail.com
Re: Your website message
Ha- I remember. You were the cute girl in the dress. Did your boyfriend share his dog… I mean his moose with you? And yes, Dangers is my real last name. Even I’m not lame enough to make that up ;-)

I smiled. Cute girl in the dress? Real descriptive. Glad I made such a big impression. Still, I replied.


Greg-
Not my boyfriend, but no, he didn’t share! And I really wanted a hippo-dog. Oh well, maybe that means I’ll have to hit up another show sometime.

I got an email back from him a lot quicker this time.

Greatdangers@Gmail.com
Ella- Feel free to hit the show up anytime. Always good to have a pretty lady in attendance, and maybe chat afterwards? I’m doing a guest spot at a club in PA for the next two weeks though. Can I email you when I’m back in town and let you know my dates?

I told him that he could email, or text, if that was easier, and gave him my cell phone number. I was a little relieved that he would be out of town for the next couple weeks. Jason had continued to call, and I had continued to be unavailable. I called him back at times when I figured he’d be unavailable, during dinners and lunch, early mornings when he was probably still asleep, to look like we were just playing phone tag. I had decided to let them come, finding no logical or unobvious way to stop them. I couldn’t claim no room – Drew was leaving, and my work guest wasn’t due yet. I couldn’t say I had to work, they knew I had taken vacation. I had to just suck it up and face the music. I would have had to do it sooner or later, I just wish that sooner had come a lot later.
Drew left Saturday afternoon, and I think I caught him off guard with how closely I clung to him, and how badly I reacted to his leaving. Jason had left a message saying he would be in sometime Sunday.
“Can’t you stay even one more day?” I asked Drew, hugging him tight. My words were mumbled into his shirt, and I was hoping he could help me through what would be the initial, and probably hardest hitting, blow.
“No, El.” He answered, bending to kiss the top of my head. He rested his chin there. “I really wish I could, but Dad’s been yelling at me about the business, and I did take off kind of suddenly. I’m sorry.” He said, giving me an extra squeeze.
“I know. It’s OK. Don’t feel bad. I’m glad you came down at all.” I answered, trying to hide the tears. I didn’t want to do this. Why did I have to do this?

Drew left. The house was really quiet. I sat for a minute in the living room, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I could hear the clock, tick-tocking, counting down the seconds until Jason arrived and I was forced to put on the performance of a lifetime. Once again, I found myself desperately needing a distraction. I took out my phone, scrolling through the contacts, not really looking for anyone, just a nervous habit. However, my phone came across one number, an idea popped into my head. I clicked call.
“Hi Nancy, it’s Ella McLean. How are you?”
“Good. Ella I’m so glad to hear from you… Are you finally done with camp?” She asked.
Nancy was the lady who Jason had donated the money to when Tater died. She ran an organization called Stop the Suffering which pulled dogs from rural, high kill shelters, and gave them a new home. She was always, ALWAYS, looking for foster homes. I couldn’t keep a dog year round anymore, since I was away at camp for seven weeks out of the year, but the by being in the foster program it was a chance to have a dog around, and to save a dogs life.
“Yeah I am. And I’m on vacation for a couple of weeks and looking for a distraction. A big distraction.”
“Like a litter of puppies sized?” She asked, the hope evident in her voice.
“I’ll be over in fifteen.” I said, knowing she was where she was every Saturday at the small garage that someone had donated to use as their intake center.

I arrived home and had to make two trips out to the car for the puppies. There were four of them, and when I said I had wanted a big distraction, Nancy took me quite seriously. At eight weeks old, these St. Bernard-Mastiff mix puppies (pet-stores called this “designer” breed a St. Bermastiff. It’s so funny to me how people say they want a “pure-breed” and then go on to ask for a labradoodle or a puggle. Slap a fancy name on a mutt and viola, you too can charge an extra 500 bucks for it! But, I digress.) were already 35 lbs. Nancy said they had been dropped off that morning, left outside the door for who knows how long, stuffed all together in a box. The note attached blamed the neighbor’s dog for knocking up theirs. But I just wondered, who’s fault was it for not getting either dog fixed?
The house was no longer quiet. It was filled with the sound of puppy feet, puppy barks, puppy growls, and squeaks from various toys or puppies. I was busy, chasing after them, and kicking myself for not thinking of puppy proofing before I went and got the puppies. After I had contained them in the living room, and made sure there was nothing they could kill themselves on, I huffed myself down on a chair.
I looked around and had wondered how good of an idea this really was. Sometimes I decided things at the spur of the moment, and didn’t stop to think about the consequences. One puppy was a lot of work. Four giant breed puppies? Was insane. Besides the fact that while puppies usually placed pretty quickly, Nancy couldn’t tell me how quickly they could place these puppies. Not only were they looking with someone with the time for a puppy, but someone with giant breed experience.
However, when ten minutes later I was covered in puppies, who were passed out from a night of chasing each other and stealing toys for each other, I realized that I had done the right thing. I dozed off on the chair with them, not even thinking of Jason’s arrival.

I woke up with a sore neck to a chorus of barking.
“What the hell Ella?” I heard Jason call. I thought I was dreaming. I stretched, repositioned myself, and started to doze again.
“Ella?” I felt someone shake me. “What did I just step in that was wet? Is that... Awww sick!” I heard Jason mumble.
“Jas? You’re really here?” I asked, sitting straight up and bonking my head into his. “Ow. Yeah, you’re real.” I said, rubbing my temple where we struck.
“What is all this Ella?”
“Oh, the poor dogs. I haven’t taken them out, I fell asleep. I should have at least put paper down.” I stood, still feeling groggy. “What time is it anyway?” I asked, stretching again.
“Six.”
“At night? It can’t be…” I asked, walking to the window.
“No, El” He answered, a small smile playing on his lips. “In the morning.”
“What the hell are you doing here at six AM?” I asked, going into the kitchen for some paper towels to clean up the doggy mess. My foot caught when I lifted it over the baby gate I had put up to block the dogs in, and I almost face planted into the counter. Mornings were not a good time for me.
“I told you I’d be here sometime Sunday.”
“Yeah, but I expected that to be late Sunday. Not six freaking am.” I said, climbing back out. I started picking up little piles and wiping up puddles. Thankfully none of them had stepped in it. I don’t think I was ready to wrangle these guys in a bathtub this early.
“So, what is all this?” Jason asked, gesturing to the dogs and the doggy play room I had made.
“You know I foster. I had some time. They needed help.” I shrugged.
“These guys are big.” He said, crouching down to pet one. It reached around to nip at his fingers.
“Yeah, well, that’s an understatement…” I trailed off. I suddenly realized something, or rather, someone, was missing. “Where’s Kayla?” I asked, lifting the baby gate to usher the dogs into the kitchen and out into the backyard to potty.
“She went home. She needed to pack for California.” He paused. “And, there was something I wanted to ask you. Something Kayla thought was better if we discussed alone.”

Uh oh. This couldn’t be good.

Flashback: I ain't that sad, but I'm sad enough

Now after I had left Jason’s house that day, it was finally my turn to ignore him. It wasn’t as much fun as I had anticipated. In fact, it wasn’t fun at all, it was work. I’d see him online and I’d itch to IM him. I’d log into my email and had to delete whatever email he had sent me. And when the emails stopped coming, well, that was even worse. I kept tabs on him, low key, through Drew.
He was stationed out in California. He was in infantry, a grunt, and he loved every second of it. Drew said he asked about me occasionally, and that I should talk to him.
I didn’t know how too. I didn’t know how to get over the hurt I felt. I had been angry at first, mad that Jason has the audacity to use me like that, but that had faded with time, as anger usually does. But in it’s place, there was a deep feeling of hurt and embarrassment. It was like I had given Jason something that I had worked on for years, something I was proud of, something I put in a lot of time and effort. And he had just laughed, and thrown it away.
Still, there were times when I did pick up the phone, dialed the number, only to never press send. I wrote countless emails, letters… They were all deleted or thrown away. What was I supposed to say to him? You broke my heart, but it’s OK? It wasn’t OK. But I missed him.
My Aunt had gotten me a job working with inner city kids, and I spent eight weeks there, working harder than I had ever worked before. My days were busy, and sometimes I had so many kids whining, laughing, complaining, questioning, and just being… Kids… That it was a surprise to me that I remembered to breathe. I didn’t think about Jason during the days. The nights, however, were quiet. The kids often passed out after an exhausting day spent swimming, hiking, and doing other camp things. Quiet, as anybody with a broken heart knows, is not a good thing. It didn’t help that the stars at camp were as bright as prom night, and I couldn’t help but think of Jason. Couldn’t help but go over ever painstaking detail.
I was sad when camp ended. Sad because I’d miss the kids, sad because I’d have free time once again. I was excited to start school, and even more excited when the agency I worked for offered be a full time, year round position. I still needed to figure out how to spend the next few weeks before the program I was working for started.
While I was getting ready for the end of year camp staff dinner, my phone buzzed. I considered ignoring it, I was running late, but then figured it might have been someone on staff, telling me about a change in plans or needing a ride.
“Hello?” I answered, not bothering to look at the caller ID.
“Hey Ella. I didn’t think you’d answer. I was all set to leave a voicemail and you caught me off guard.” A female. She laughed nervously.
I looked down at my caller ID. Private number.
“Who is this?” I asked, glancing at the clock again, feeling a little agitated. I hated running late.
“Oh, yeah. Sorry. It’s Kayla. Kayla LaCrosse? I dunno if you remember me…”
Heart. Skipping a beat. Snapping ‘what the hell does she want’ while at the same time thinking ‘now now, she never did anything wrong.’
“Oh. Hi. Yeah, I remember you. What’s going on?” I sat down on my bed, feeling a little lightheaded. Being late was now replaced with a nagging feeling of ‘something isn’t right.’
“Look, I’m just going to be honest, because I have no idea how else to say it. But, I want to preface this by letting you know that I don’t mean anything in a harsh way. And, I know I’m sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong, but…” She trailed off. I heard her take a deep breath. “You need to stop being mad at Jason. I don’t know what he did, and I don’t need to know. But I know you guys have been friends for a long time, almost as long as I’ve known him. Whatever it is, you should just squash it. And, well. He’d kill me right now if he knew I was calling you. But he’s leaving, Ella. They’re sending him to Iraq, and I know if I were you, I would want to know.”
It got quiet. So quiet that I could feel the quietness. It closed in around me, squeezing in. I felt like it was hard to breathe.
“Ella?” Kayla’s voice sounded tinny and distant.
“I’m here.” My voice sounded way too big. Iraq?
“I hope they send you to Iraq and you die.” I whispered.
“What was that?” Kayla asked, confused.
“N-nothing.” I hesitated, wondering what I should say or do next. “Kayla, I’m sorry. I don’t want to blow you off, but I have a work thing, and I’m supposed to be there…” I looked at the clock. “Well, now. Actually. But, look. I appreciate you calling, I really do. And…” I sighed. “I’ll call him. Or come down. I’m supposed to be coming down to see Drew so maybe he and I can talk or something. I don’t know.”
“Alright, well. I’ll let you go. But, if you do talk to him… Don’t tell him I told you, OK? In fact, it’s probably best that you act like you don’t know. Have fun at your work deal.” She said. I heard the phone click.
It’s best if I act like I don’t know? That Jason is being sent to Iraq, where he could die. Where I once had told him that I hoped he did die at. How could I possibly call him, or see him, and not burst into tears? Not be overcome with guilt, knowing words I had uttered, even in anger, might come true?

I went to the staff dinner that night, and I calmed the daze I was in by drinking. While technically I wasn’t allowed to drink, being under twenty-one, arriving late had worked to my benefit. Most of the staff was already slightly buzzed, and they had no qualms about sharing the love and buying me drinks. The fact that I was underage never crossed their minds.
I felt the warmth of alcohol spread through my veins like liquid happiness. While, once again, I’ve never been a huge partier, and I’m very cautious when it comes to alcohol, I have mistakenly used it a couple of times to get rid of my problems. While I know it’s a crutch, and an unhealthy one at that, sometimes you just need a break. Stronger people might have found a better way to deal with it, or just sucked it up. But I was weak and I needed space, I needed my mind to feel fuzzy and incoherent. So alcohol entered the picture.
After the dinner the younger members on staff had decided to hit up a club. And you know what was invented by the devil? Drinks that contain an insane amount of alcohol, but taste like kool-aid. I slammed drink after drink, and even when some of the other counselors eyed me and told me to slow down, I waved them off laughing. Alcohol also makes you think you can handle anything, and that you’re the best at everything. The staff members who have come back still to this day tease me about what went on that night. I danced, I sang, I made a grade ‘A’ ass of myself. But I didn’t think of Jason. In fact, Jason was so far from my mind, that I winded going home with Antonio. A beautiful male counselor who was seven years older than me, gorgeous, and totally insane. (Really, he mumbled constantly about conspiracy theories and why God didn’t exist. And while I’m all for people having their own opinions about things, the way he talked was pretty creepy. He was a nice guy overall, but not somebody I’d want to date.) But, as I mentioned, totally hot. Easy smile, gleaming white teeth, mocha skin, muscled body…
He and I didn’t have sex, but had a pretty rough make out session, and he left the evidence on my face and neck. I had beard burn all over, including a few other embarrassing body parts. When I woke up that morning, I took a quick shower and packed a bag. Drew had been complaining about never getting to spend any time with me anymore, and he was right. I barely had two conversations with him the whole summer. Cell phone reception was spotty at best, and horrible in the cabins. It was too much effort for me to walk around trying to find a spot where I could get a bar or two. I walked out to the living room, gingerly stepping over sleeping bodies. I found Jarren, who had joined us in the partying when we made it back to the apartment and gently shook her awake.
“Mmm?” She asked, rolling over and looking up at me with half lidded eyes.
“I’m leaving for Indiana.”
She nodded once and rolled back over. Twenty bucks says she calls me in a few hours, having no recollection of this conversation.

I liked the drive to Indiana, leaving the city behind, seeing real live farmhouses and empty country highways. I wasn’t always a fan of driving, sometimes it actually scared me to drive, but this drive I knew like the back of my hand, and could probably drive blindfolded if I had too. I could let my mind wonder and drive on autopilot. Of course, this was one time when I didn’t want my mind to wander. Because it wandered immediately to Jason, like Mary’s lamb, my mind was always following Jason to places I wish it wouldn’t go. I was nervous, really nervous, about what I should say to him. And I focused too much on Iraq, on the dangers. On the bad things that in my mind that not only could happen and would happen, but already did happen. Jason getting shot, Jason getting blown up, Jason being taken prisoner… All these scenarios played out in my mind, and not a single one of them ended well.
I pulled into Drew’s gravel driveway. Drew had gone away to school, and had finished this year. He was still living with his parents, working for his Dad’s landscaping company. While I was here, I had promised him I’d help him look for an apartment. He was adamant that he needed a woman’s opinion, and his Mother’s didn’t count. His dogs barked in greeting, big, stinky, lab-mutts named Moose and Midge that were allowed to free roam. I gave them a friendly pat on the head and walked up onto the big wrap-around porch.
Drew’s parent’s house was totally country. From the wrap around porch (with a screened in section in the back), to the pond and the barn. It was white, with green shutters, and massive. Drew was now an only child, he used to have a younger brother and sister - twins, but both had died in a car accident when they were five and Drew was seven. Drew’s parents never really got over it, and instead threw themselves into their work. Instead of affection, the showered Drew with gifts, items, and freedom. Drew never really seemed to want any of it though, and it was honestly sad to see his parents and him shuffle around each other. They were good people, but it was hard to get over the ghosts in the room.
Drew came out to greet me, smiling wide, and opening up his arms to hug me. His enthusiasm shocked me. Drew was rarely openly affectionate. I usually had to force him to hug me.
“I missed you.” He said quietly, giving me an extra squeeze.
“I missed you too.” I answered, feeling a little awkward. He sat me down.
“Where’s your bag?” He asked, walking towards my car. He opened the door and popped the trunk. Pulling out my small duffle, he frowned. “This is all you brought?”
“Yeah.” I answered, walking over to the car. Moose and Midge followed suit. “Did you suspect I was moving in or something?”
“No, but this is like… Three days worth. If that.” He said, looking at my bag and back at me.
“Yeah, how long did you think I was staying, Drewbie?” I was starting to get a little irritated. It had been a long drive, it was hot outside, and I was sort of hungry. I was ready to go inside.
“I don’t know, I haven’t seen you all summer. And we had apartment hunting, and then Nick wanted you to hang out. He’s got this new girlfriend named Toni and I think she’s serious.”
“And three days isn’t enough to do all that?” I said, the irritation starting to show in my voice.
“Ella, you honestly think I’m going to be able to find an apartment in three days?” He asked.
“If you can’t then you’ll have to do it without me. You’re a big boy Drew.” I snapped.
Drew looked a little taken back. “You know I asked you to visit Ella. But you didn’t have to come when you were hardcore PMS-ing.” He threw back at me.
“You know Drew, I hate it how guys think that whenever girls are pissed off that the only reason is PMS. Did you ever stop to think that maybe…” I trailed off. When did I last actually PMS?
“Maybe what Ella?” He asked, shutting my trunk and heading back to the house.
“Nothing.” I said, now distracted from my earlier rant. I hadn’t gotten it at camp, I knew that. The box of tampons I had brought had sat unused. Why hadn’t this crossed my mind earlier? “I’m just hot, tired, and hungry. Can we go inside?” I said, trying to shine a smile in Drew’s direction.

Later that night, I had told Drew that I would go buy some clothes and stay a few extra days. Among the shirts, pants, bra’s and panties I had piled into the cart, laid a single pregnancy test. I paid for my things and went across the street to the McDonalds. Before exiting my car, I slipped the test into my pocket. I ordered a coke and fries, paid, and told the cashier I’d be right back. I went into the bathroom, read the instructions, and peed on the stick.
I didn’t even have to wait a full three minutes. The test was very clearly a positive one.

Just a quick thing

I was wondering ig it's confusing when I go back and forth between the past and the present? I think it might be about to get kinda hard to keep track, so from now on, when I post about things that have already happened, I'm going to put flashback in the title. Sound good?

You said move on, where do I go?

After breakfast with Drew, I told him I was running to work while he took a shower. I had just wrapped up another summer at camp and had taken the rest of August off. I had planned to spend some time in Indiana with Drew and the gang after Jason’s wedding, but since I hightailed it out of there, I figured I could at least catch up on some paper work while I was home. I told him about the trip to Cincinnati and Ikea, and figured especially if Jason and Kayla were coming, I should get a new futon sooner rather than later. I told him I’d be back in an hour or so, and then we could trek on down.
It was funny how much the scenery changed in the mere twenty minutes I drove to work. Trees became scarce, houses became more and more boarded up and shabbier looking. People got shabbier looking. The kids who were out unaccompanied got younger and younger. I turned onto the street that my office was. As I got out, I locked my doors. I had to chuckle at that, I didn’t lock my car doors anywhere.
I used to be a lot more trusting, even in a neighborhood like this. But, one day, while teaching a program in one of the after school groups, my cell phone went missing. I didn’t even think of accusing one of the six year olds, assuming instead that I had mis-placed it once again. I searched my office, my car, the room I had been working in… Turned up nothing. I thought maybe I had left it at home, and couldn’t remember actually using it that day. When I got home and turned up nothing, I finally decided to suspend my service, thinking that if one of the kids DID take it (and I was now assuming it was an older child who may have seen it lying around earlier,) that they wouldn’t have done anything more than use my minutes.
Wrong. When I called my cell phone company, I had been informed that already one hundred and fifty dollars had been wracked up in downloads.
They took the bill off and suspended my account, but when I got my bill later that month, I had seen that the calls made from my phone after it had gone missing was to a bunch of kids in the 6 year olds group. One of those little brats stole my phone.
Anyway, every since then, I had been WAY more careful about where I left my purse, my keys, my phone, and locking my car. We were already forbidden to go to anyone’s homes by ourselves, and if there was a negative reason for a phone call home (such as a fight or a child being unruly during group or an outing) we had to have someone else from the agency listen in on the call. Any threats made by the parents were taken seriously, and the police were always called.
Not all the parents were like this, more often than not we couldn’t even get a hold of parents. Some were at work, school, or in between the two, others were just… Gone. Lots of times we’d call and get a disconnected number.
I loved my job. But it was tricky at times, and difficult all the time. When I started out in the afterschool program we had to check kid’s school bags on the way out. Kids were stealing our after school program lunches to bring home. Because it was the only food they’d get, other than school lunches. We had to take them back, which broke my heart, and more often than not I’d “forget” to check bags. It’s true, we needed to keep count of lunches due to the funding we got (which was ALWAYS getting cut.) But I just couldn’t take food out of the mouth of a child. A lot of our parents busted their asses and still couldn’t make ends meet. Sometimes it was nobodys fault but circumstances.
Other time we got foster children, and that was hard because I wanted to take them all home. I had one girl stop coming to group. Her three little sisters still were, so I asked where she went.
“Oh, they sent her to another home.” Was their answer. I just couldn’t fathom how they could take her away from the only family she had.
Then at Christmas, that same family came to our Holiday Party. We had a Santa who handed out donated presents. The kids got to sit on his lap, get a picture taken with him, and then tell him what they wanted for Christmas.
When I asked one of the little foster sisters what she wanted, she stated simply “a Christmas.”
“What do you mean?” I prodded.
“I want a real Christmas. With a tree and presents and a family, and my sisters all back together again.”
I went behind the tree and cried.
Worse yet, we had children with serious issues. I was a preschool sub, and because of that I had to sit in on meetings occasionally so I knew what was going on with the children in the room. I was shocked one fall when we had a little girl who we needed to watch and make sure she ate, and also accompany her to the bathroom. When I asked why, they told me the little girl was anorexic/bulimic. She was four years old.
Still, I loved my job. As hard as it was, there were equally rewarding moments. Watching a child change because of your influence. Seeing how happy a child gets when they succeed at something. Having a mother thank you for being there for her child when she cannot.
I walked into work, my mind somewhere else, when I heard Betty’s voice ring out “Ella! Is that you?”
Betty was our receptionist. She was not a very nice person, and I didn’t enjoy talking to her most of the time. Still, she had her moments, and I hadn’t seen her all summer. She was also older, heavier, and had recently lost her daughter. I suspected most of her mean-ness came mainly from being lonely.
“Hey, Ms. Betty, how are you?” I said, popping my head into the front room where she sat. I noticed a group of people sitting at the table, waiting, probably for my boss, who was constantly late.
“I’m doing just fine Ella. How’s your vacation goin?”
“Boring. I came in to pick up some paperwork.”
“You miss us already huh?” She cackled. “Hey, do me a favor. Kenny’s late and these people came all the way from Illinois to meet with him. They’re part of an inner city program there. They’ll be sending some people up to work with us.”
I could see hear beaming a little bit. We were all proud when we had been awarded the Casey Grant award for excellence in child care. A couple other agencies asked if they could send a few workers up to learn from us. We had agreed.
I looked at my watch. “I can give them a quick tour, Betty, but I gotta get out of here. I’m supposed to be heading to Cincinnati with a friend in a little bit.”
“Yeah, why don’t you do that? Kenny should be here any minute.” She said, hefting her body up to look out the window.
“Back locked up?” I asked, heading to her desk. She nodded. I opened the drawer and grabbed the keys.
“Hi everyone, I’m Ella McLean. I’m one of the social workers here, and I kind of float around and fill in where I can. Which, is what I believe is one of the key factors in our success. You never really hear anyone here saying ‘that’s not my job.’” I said, smiling at the group. “And your names are?”
“Kasey, I’m the director of the agency. This is Jared, Matt, Stacey, and Adriana. They’ll be observing you guys.” A tall, older man said, shaking my hand.
“Oooh, we get two guys. That’s one thing we’re short on: men. Which is really important. A lot of our kids don’t have male role models in their lives. So we pounce on the guys.” I said, smiling. I looked from Jared to Matt. However, when Matt’s and my eyes met, I blushed a little, thinking of the sexual implications of the word pounce.
I have never really felt such a connection to a person. Matt was tall, I would put him at literally seven foot or so. His blonde hair was spiked, and his blue eyes were just as piercing as his hair. He flashed me a wide grin. I paused for a minute, then realized they were waiting for me to continue.
“Oh, um. Not saying Adriana and Stacey won’t be put to work. We need all hands on deck. Adriana, I think you’re actually slated to stay with me while you’re here. That’s why I’m headed to Cincinnati, to pick up a bed. My futon right now is lovingly referred to as the death trap.”
Adriana smiled shyly. She looked kinda mousy, with curly black hair that was cut straight at her chin. She had soft brown eyes, and a quiet voice. I knew the kids were going to eat her up.
I gave them the tour of the building, showing the upstairs where we held most of our afterschool programs, the library, and the computer room. I took them down our maze of stairs (we have four different ways to get upstairs, it can be quite confusing.) And showed them the theatre, the food pantry, the gym, the showers we allowed people to use during certain times, the kitchen, and the back office and pre-school, the only two rooms that were air conditioned.
“And these are the two rooms you’ll want to be in the most, but will most likely be in the least.” I said smiling. “That’s pretty much the building. I’m sure little things will pop up along the way that you won’t know where they’re at, but just ask. Any questions?” I asked, stopping outside the door to the back office.
“Where will the rest of us be staying?” Jordan asked. He was pretty tall too, but still shorter than Matt. His head was shaved, as was his face. His skin was dark and smooth looking, and he had deep brown eyes.
“Ummm…. I’m not exactly sure. I think Matt will be with Kenny and his family, Stacey will be with Michelle and her family and you will be with James. But don’t hold me to that.”
“When will you be back from vacation?” Matt asked. His voice shocked me. He had the most adorable, slight speech impediment. Barely enough to pick up on, but for such a big guy, it gave his voice a slight child like quality.
“Probably start of September. Here, you never know though. I’m not doing much so who knows? I could end up back here sooner. Kenny ends up working the majority of his vacations too.” I said, laughing. I felt myself turn a little red as Matt continued to look at me.
“OK.” I said, clapping my hands together. My palms were sweating. “Back to the back office!”
As we walked into the back office, Kenny was sitting there and the desk, typing some things up.
“Hey, Ella. Thanks for giving them the tour for me.” He said, distractedly.
“You’re welcome. Call me if you need anything.” I said, grabbing my paperwork from my mailbox.
On the way out I bumped into Matt. Our eyes caught and I felt a small shock. I smiled, mumbled an apology, and ran out to my car.
I drove home, once again distracted and feeling slightly flustered.
“Well.” I said to myself, running a hand through my hair. “You wanted a distraction.”
It’s true, the whole ‘be careful what you wish for’ thing. I had wanted a distraction, but a work distraction? Not a good thing. Besides, I didn’t date where I worked, I made that mistake with Chris, and it was never a good idea.
I chewed my thumb nail. Matt was pretty cute though. And he would be gone in a couple months. How much trouble could I possibly get into?

It's on the air you took and the breath you left...

Jason didn’t write me one single letter the whole 13 weeks he was at bootcamp. I tried to make up excuses for him. He was busy. Tired. But when Sean and Drew both told me they had gotten letters. Well, I was livid. And wounded. I knew what day he was coming home, and I promised myself I wouldn’t call him.
I tried to stay busy. My friends, they tried to keep me busy. I was in school, and when I wasn’t, I was working at a nursing home, as dietary aide. Unfortunately, that’s how Chris and I met, and he still worked there too. Working with him was hard. We’d fight, and I’d vow to stay away from him. Only Chris was one of those guys who wanted what they can’t have, so when I seemed unavailable, he’d want me back. He’d be so sweet, and I missed Jason so badly, that I’d get back together with him, or at the very least go out with him a couple times. However, we never lasted, and in those 13 weeks we must have broken up at least a dozen times. Sometimes we’d split and get back together in the same day.
Oh, young love, how much I don’t miss you.
I was desperate to get out, to get away from Chris and from Jason, and to be busy, really, really busy. So, when the opportunity arose to work at a summer camp for inner city children popped up, I jumped on it. The only problem was, I still had another couple months at home, and at the nursing home, before I could leave.
I was out with friends one night, headed to a club. I was not happy about going. I’ve never been into the whole drinking, loud music, sweaty bodies, crowded, dark, dampness of a club. But, being anywhere else besides my room seemed like a good idea.
The car was oddly quiet on the way to the club. The radio was low, the windows down and the air cool. I was in the front seat, my head leaned against the door. I was thinking of Jason, of what I was going to do when he got home. If we’d ever be the same Jason and Ella. Why things had to change.
I was a little startled when my phone buzzed. Anyone who would have called me was in the car with me. Unless it was Chris. I scowled at the thought.
I looked down and was a little shocked to see it was Jason. I realized what today was, and wondered how I could have forgotten. I opened the phone.
“Jason?”
“Hey, Gorgeous. It’s so good to hear your voice. I missed you.”

I couldn’t help it. I started to cry.

I made Jarren turn the car back around, and I went home. I packed up my stuff, and drove the four hours to Indiana. I was so angry at Jason, so mad that he blew me off, so sad that I had been forgotten about. But that was all over ruled by this overwhelming need to be near him. To hold him, to touch him. On the drive down there, my head and heart had a repeated argument.
“He doesn’t deserve you!” My head would scream.
“But I need him.” My heart responded calmly.
“You’re just going to get hurt!”
“But it’s worth it.”
I knew logically, I was better off in some dark dingy club with Jarren and the gang. But the thing about logic, is that it becomes null and void when it comes to matters of the heart. It just doesn’t apply anymore. Throw it out the window, it’s useless.
I’d rather spend my life nursing a broken heart than to be asking myself what if. I knew that’s what I would be doing right now, if I hadn’t gone to Jason that night. What if he didn’t know how I felt, what if he didn’t know how much I cared for him, what if that one night would have changed everything, but I had to go and be all logical about things.
So off I went.

I got there and knocked on the window, per usual. He knew I was coming, a desk lamp lit awaiting my arrival. It was late, but he was awake.
“You could have used the door.” He said, laughing slightly as I threw my bag in and slid in. He put his hands on my waist to guide me down. “My parents knew you were coming.” He brushed my hair away from my face as I turned around to face him.
“I know. But this… Is our way. My way.” I said. My heart was pounding, I was sure he could hear it. He kept his hands on my waist.
He nodded, like he understood. He didn’t look away.
“I really missed you Ella.” He said softly.
I couldn’t help but feel my blood start to boil a little.
“Oh really? Coulda fooled me.” I pulled away slightly, going to sit on his bed.
“You came all this way to fight with me El?” He asked, dropping his hands to his side.
“I didn’t think so. But Jason, I missed you too. And to not hear anything at all from you…” I stopped, looking away. “It hurt. A lot. It hurt and it made me angry, and sad, and just… You made me feel like shit Jason. You and I, we’re not us anymore. I don’t know what happened to us, but I miss us, and I want us back. And I don’t know how to get there, and I feel like you don’t care.” I looked back up at him. “I don’t want to lose you Jason.”
To my surprise, there were tears in his eyes. He sat down next to me, taking my hand into his.
“I’m sorry Ella. I really am. I never wanted to hurt you. It’s just. Boot camp was really hard at first, and all you could concentrate on was keeping up. But, after awhile, your body gets used to it. You can go through the motions and your head can be someplace else. I thought a lot. About you. About other things. I’ve had a lot of shit thrown at me these last couple years and it’s been difficult.”
“I know, Jas, but you didn’t have to close me out. It’s me, it’s us.”
He shook his head. “That’s the thing El. It wasn’t us. It was me. Just me. I was going through it alone, and that’s the way I had to do it.” He turned towards me. “Things will be different now. I promise.” He used his thumb to wipe away my tears.
To this day, I can’t recall who initiated it. I’m not even sure if and why it matters. All I know is one second he was wiping away a tear, and the next second I was in his arms, kissing him. Clothes were stripped, piece by piece. Skin was kissed, inch by inch. Breath was caught, words were whispered, promises were made. Hours went by, as we explored and rediscovered each other, and as the morning sun rose, Jason sank into me.
When we fell asleep, it was wrapped up in each other. I felt the same sleepy happiness that comes with drinking too much.
We woke up sometime in the afternoon. Again, I’m fuzzy on the details, like I was drunk, and I can’t remember who woke first or if we both woke at the same time. We greeted each other with sleepy, shy, slow smiles.
“Morning.” He said, his voice full of sleep.
“Afternoon.” I corrected, nuzzling his chest with my head.
He kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose, my chin. I traced his lips with my fingers.
“Perfection.” I mumbled.

We stayed in bed for awhile, dozing, cuddling, talking, thinking. Eventually hunger won, and while Jason went upstairs to fix us something to eat, I gathered my clothes to hop into his shower.
Jason’s basement was huge, and his parents had split it up into three sections. One part they made into Jason’s room, a smaller part was turned into a laundry room and storage, and the last part was made into what they called the kid’s room. When Jason and his sisters were younger, it had been their play room. I guess now it was still a play room, just for older kids. Toys had been replaced with a TV and a stereo. Stuffed animals were replaced with a sofa. There was a video game system, DVDs, and board games. In between this room and Jason’s room, his parents had a small bathroom built.
That’s where I was headed. I left Jason’s room smiling and humming to myself. I stopped suddenly when I saw the back of Jen’s head sitting on the sofa.
Talk about a buzz kill. I contemplated just walking into the bathroom, but there was no way to play off like I hadn’t seen her. It would have been just plain rude.
“Hi, Jen.” I said, continuing on into the bathroom.
“Ella. I should have figured you’d be here.” She said shortly.
“Nice to see you too.” I sing songed. I shut the bathroom door, got undressed, and started the water. Just as I got in, I heard a knock on the door.
“Yes?” I called, smiling, thinking Jason wanted to help me conserve water.
“I gotta pee. I’m coming in.” Ugh. Jen.
“Whatever.” I answered, not mentioning that there were two other bathrooms in this house.
“So. Happy Jason’s home?” She asked.
“Yeah, it’s nice having him back. You guys happy?” I asked, washing my face and starting on my hair.
“Sure. It’s weird without him here. It’ll be weirder when he goes to where ever he’s stationed.”
“Oh.” I answered, not wanting to think about it. “Does he know where yet?”
“No. You know who’s really happy to have him back though?”
“Who? I asked, rinsing the shampoo out of my hair. I applied conditioner and turned away from the water to let it soak in.
“Kayla. You know Kayla right? Jason’s ex girlfriend? She was at his welcome home party. They’re not exes anymore.”
“What?” I asked, trying badly to hide the alarm in my voice.
“Yeah, I thought he’d tell you? Though, you did get in rather late last night.” She said. “I’m not going to flush, I don’t want to scald you.” I could hear the smirk on her face.
Sure enough, when I got out, I noticed that the toilet was empty. She hadn’t had to pee, she had wanted to corner me.

Still, I didn’t know if I could be mad at her for telling me. I’m sure her intentions were not good ones, but if she hadn’t told me, I wonder if Jason ever would have. First things first though, I needed to ask Jason and make sure it was the truth. I couldn’t put it past Jen not to lie. I did know that Kayla was the one person, for whatever reason, that escaped Jen’s wrath. They were actually friends.
I got dressed and wrapped the towel around my wet hair. I walked into Jason’s room, stuffing my dirty clothes into my bag. Jason walked in behind me.
“You smell good.” He said, wrapping his arms around me from behind and kissing my neck.
“Mmm. I showered, you should try it.” I joked back. “Hey. Jen, uh… Told me something.”
“Oh yeah? What’d she cackle now?” He answered, handing me a plate that had a sandwich and some chips on it.
“She said you and Kayla were back together.” I said, looking down and then back up at him.
He was mid-chew when I asked the question, and as his mouth dropped open, I could see the mashed turkey, bread, and cheese.
“Well…” He started, his mouth half full. He held up a finger and finished chewing and swallowing.
“Well.” He started again. “She was here the other night for the welcome home party. And we did kiss. But, we never made anything official.”
“Oh.” I said, not sure what that meant. “Are you going to make things official?”
“El, I don’t know. I just got home, and I’m not even going to be here for a long time.” He started to look a little sheepish.
“So us. We’re not official either, are we?” I said, looking at him from the corner of my eye. I hadn’t touched my food.
“Ella.”
“Answer the question Jason.”
“I don’t know…”
“YOU have to be the one who knows. Because I know what I want. I know what it would be if the answer was up to me.” I threw my plate down on his bed, chips scattering everywhere.
“Ella don’t be mad at me…”
“Oh, don’t be mad at you eh? What the hell am I supposed to BE then Jason? You write everyone and their Mom from boot camp, but not me. You get in a fight with someone, and a day or two passes, and you’re over it, but you argue with me and it’s months, MONTHS Jason, before I hear from you. I love you Jason. When I said that, I meant it. I thought you did too.”
“I do love you Ella.” He said, putting down his plate.
“No you don’t. When you love someone Jason, you don’t intentionally use them like you used me. You don’t break their heart repeatedly. I’m so in love with you, I have been practically my whole life. And no matter what I do, who I am, it’s never going to be good enough, is it?” I asked. He looked down and didn’t say anything. I gathered up my bag and my keys.
“Ella wait…”
“No. I’m done waiting.” I said. I started to walk out. “Oh,” I called over my shoulder. “Thanks for the fuck.”
He winced, obviously hurt. And to this day, I don’t know if that makes me happy or sad.