Flashback: And fate has led you through it, you do what you have to do

When I saw the test, I laughed. And then I slunk down onto the dirty bathroom floor and rested my head on my knees. It couldn’t be true. Could it? I mean the last person I had slept with was Jason. We didn’t use anything. How could we have not used anything?
Because getting pregnant had never crossed my mind. STDs did, but I knew Jason had gotten checked during his physical for the Marines, and I knew he was clean. I couldn’t be pregnant. It just didn’t compute. The test must be wrong, I did only buy a cheap wal-mart brand. I needed to go back, get a more expensive kind. That one would be negative.
I left the bathroom, grabbing the fries and coke that were waiting for me on the counter. I dumped the fries on my way out the door, no longer hungry, but gulped the coke. I started going over the last eight weeks in my mind, searching for any tell tale pregnancy signs.
I had been tired, but. I had also spent my days dealing with heat, hiking, and children, and was not sleeping well at nights. I was peeing more, but, I had been drinking a lot more water since I was at camp. I hadn’t gained any weight, had actually lost some from stopping late night snacking and walking all the time. I had been having frequent headaches, and I was feeling a little sick to my stomach at random times, but I had chalked it up to the heat, stress, and lack of sleep. And, again, I hadn’t had a period in awhile. But I never seemed to be regular, and at times of stress and high activity I could miss months at a time. I never really batted an eyelash anymore when I was late.
I ran into wal-mart and grabbed the most expensive test they had. I figured the more expensive the better. This one would clearly tell me that this was all a mistake. This test would tell me that there was no one I could possibly be pregnant. I went straight from the checkout to the bathroom. I had finished my coke and managed to squeeze out a few more drops. Again, I didn’t have to wait before the little plus sign popped up.
“No.” I said. “No, no, no, no.” It bounced off the walls and echoed. I could feel it bouncing around in my head, the word pregnant, followed shortly by the word no. I heard the door to the bathroom open and close, sneakers squeak in, each sound magnifying. I flushed the toilet and stuck the pregnancy test in my pocket. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it, but just throwing it away didn’t feel right. I washed my hands and left, making it as far as the benches outside of wal-mart before I sat. I watched cars pull in at out, people with babies, couples, old people, young people, single people… I just sat and watched. I felt like I was in a coma, unable to move, but aware of everything going on around me.
My phone rang, and when I reached for it automatically, I was surprised to see I was actually able to move at all.
“Hello?” I answered, I jumped at the sound of my own voice.
“Where ARE you? You’ve been gone for hours.” Drew’s voice was a mixture of annoyance and concern. Worry, and irritation.
“Oh Drew. I have a problem…”

Drew drove over to the Wal-mart in his Dad’s old green beat up work truck. It was loud, and I could hear it coming before I saw it. I climbed in. We drove, without speaking, leaving my car and my things behind. I hadn’t told him anything on the phone, I didn’t know how, exactly to tell him. I wanted to have more tact than to just blurt it out, but… I wanted it over quickly. The truck had no air conditioning, but the night air was cool. The windows were down which made it too loud to talk in the truck. My palms were sweating, and I wiped them on my pants distractedly. Drew turned off the main road and onto a dirt rub. I winced as I bounced around in the truck, wondering if this was bad for the baby. I winced again when I realized my drinking last night couldn’t have been too great for little Cletus the Fetus either. He stopped the truck and got out. I waited until I heard him climb onto the bed before I got out. I walked around, my eyes on the ground, until I reached the back of the truck. Reaching up a hand, Drew pulled me up along side him. He had piled old pillows into the back of the truck. It was kind of a tradition with all of us, driving into the country, loading the back of whoever’s truck we took with people, pillows, and a cooler. We’d party, dance, laugh, and shoot the shit for hours. Now it was just me and Drew, and we could hear crickets and other night country sounds. They were closing in on me, and I started to fidget in my nervousness.
Drew reached into the cooler he had brought, handing me a coke. I tapped it twice – a habit, and popped the top. I took a long drink. Drew opened his own drink and took a sip. We still sat, side by side, in total silence. While Jason knew how to handle me without making me feel like I was being handled, Drew knew how to read me. He knew when to press me for more information, and when to sit back and let things come out in their own time.
I cleared my throat and looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “You said something this afternoon, and it made me realize something.”
I watched as Drew straightened himself, looking almost pleased, ready to hear the news. Still, he waited, not saying anything.
“I…” I trailed off. I guess this was it. “I haven’t had a period in awhile. Since before I stopped talking to Jason, actually. That night, Drew. I slept with him. We… We didn’t use anything and…”
Drew was now looking at me, his eyes in wide, intense, disbelief. “No, Ella.” He said, shaking his head.
“Yeah Drew. I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.”
“Oh.” This was more of a noise than a statement. All the air seemed to whoosh out of his body, and he looked deflated.
“What am I going to do?” I asked, aware of how small my voice sounded.
“Tell Jason.” Drew stated.
“Yeah, Drew. That’s it. The last time I saw him, I was leaving him angry, I haven’t spoken to him in months, and suddenly I’m supposed to pop back up with, oh hey, long time no talk. Hey, funny story, I think you knocked me up? Oh, and good luck on your deployment nobody wanted to tell meabout.”
“You know about that?” Drew asked. Now it was his turn to sound small.
“Yeah. Thanks to, guess who?” I said. Drew shook his head. “Kayla. Kayla fucking Kangaroo called me.” We called Kayla Kayla Kangaroo because she was usually very upbeat and jumpy, like a kangaroo.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you. But, Jason told me not too. He didn’t want you to come back to him because of that.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Kayla actually took a big risk calling you. Jason’s going to be livid if he finds out.”
For a second, I contemplated letting him know that Kayla had spilled the beans. I was sure it would ruin any future chance of a relationship. But, Kayla did it to help me, and I was actually grateful to her for letting me know.
“You still have to tell him.” Drew spoke, interrupting my thoughts.
“But, I don’t wanna.” I whined. “I better do this in person. Will you go with me?” I asked.
“To California?” Drew asked, looking at me like I was crazy.
“Cali? Why would I go to… Ooooh, yeah.” It had honestly slipped my mind that Jason wasn’t just a short drive away from Drew’s. He was gone.
“I mean, I think you need to tell him in person as well. I can get you a cheap ticket to Twentynine Palms, but. Ella, you’re gonna have to do this one yourself.”
“But… I don’t wanna.” I repeated again. “I mean, shouldn’t I at least make sure?”
“There’s a clinic. I’ll call and get you an appointment. But, I think you should still go out there. I mean, even if you’re not…” He paused, not being able to say the word. “I think it’s time you and Jason made up.”

Drew and I sat in the truck a little while longer, neither one of us talking. I took out my cell phone at some point and texted Jason:
Will be in your area in a few days. It’s been awhile. Can you spare some time to catch up?
He texted back a lot sooner than I thought he would:
Who told you?
I knew he was talking about his deployment, but I decided to play dumb.
Who told me what, Jay?
Nothing. He texted back. When will you be here? Weekends are the only time I really have free.

I told him I wasn’t sure of my flight yet, but would make sure it was over a weekend. I told him I’d let him know the details, and asked if he’d book me a hotel in his area. He agreed. Drew and I sat for a little bit longer, and then headed back to his house. We looked online and found a flight for that weekend. I texted Jason with the information. I’d stay at Drew’s until then, and head out to California.
Had I mentioned I didn’t want to go?

Drew called the clinic and got me in the next day. I was shocked, as back home it was at least a week later that you’d get into any planned parenthood (I had accompanied a friend once.)
We got in early, and I realized it was before the clinic was even officially opened for the day. I became suspicious.
“Drew. How’d you do this?” I whispered to Drew as the nurse ushered us directly into the inner offices.
“I do landscaping for one of the doctors that works here. I’ve seen some… Things.” Drew blushed at the thought. “Let’s just say, he owes me a favor. A big favor.” He stopped talking as I sat on the table, the nurse asking me several questions before taking basic blood pressure and pulse information. She handed me a cup and pointed me down the hall to a bathroom. I peed, washed my hands, and came back.
“I’m gonna need you to strip down to this gown. Here’s a blanket for your legs. I know it gets a little chilly in here.” She said, smiling and handing me a thin, worn gown. What she called a blanket just looked like a giant paper napkin to me.
“I can, uh, leave, if you want.” Drew answered, standing up.
“No Drew.” I said, a little too quickly. “I’m just. I’m scared.”
“OK.” He said. “I’ll stay.” He slid back down, but closed his eyes. “You can change. I won’t look.”

I changed quickly, goosebumps rising on my arms instantly. The air conditioner was on a little high in this place. Once I gave the OK, Drew looked up. Seeing my discomfort, he handed me his jacket he’d been wearing this morning.
When the doctor knocked on the door, I jumped.
“Hi, Ella. I’m Dr. Paul.” She said, smiling warming and reaching for my hand. “The results of your pregnancy test are positive. So, congratulations. I’m going to do an ultrasound to determine exactly how far along you are, and to make sure the pregnancy is a viable one.” She said, looking through a folder. She put down the folder and pulled open a drawer, pulling on some gloves and a bottle of gel.
“Because we’re not sure how far you are, I’m going to do a vaginal ultrasound. If you’re not very far along, it’ll give us a better picture. Just lay back, and try to relax.” She said, squirting some gel onto the end of a wand. I had to laugh as I saw Drew wince. Boys, never realized how easy they had it.
She asked if I wanted to see the baby, and after a few seconds hesitation, I nodded. It was weird, to see something jumping around inside me, but not being able to feel it move.
She printed a few pictures, and took off her gloves. She washed her hands. Sitting down on her stool, she made a few notes in my file, and affixed one picture. The rest she put into an envelope and handed to me.
“Let’s talk options. I would guesstimate that you’re about twelve weeks along. That’s based on measurements, and I could be wrong. It’s hard to guess at any age, but at this early in your pregnancy it’s especially difficult.” She paused, letting me take in the information. “Now, do you have any idea what you plan on doing?”
I shook my head slowly. Twelve weeks? I mean, 3 months did seem about right, but..
“Well, options. There’s always keeping it. If you decide to do that, I can either set you up here with a doctor, or refer you to one.”
“I’m not from here, I was just visiting for awhile…” I said dully.
“Well, then, I still might be able to refer someone where you live. Then there’s abortion. Which, if you’re considering that option, I can also refer you to places. Although, this late, in the state of Indiana it would have to be done in a hospital, which gets quite expensive. But, you said you weren’t from here. Then there’s adoption, which again, I can refer you to some places for that as well. Whatever you do, there are options. However, whatever you decide, it needs to be done quickly. The sooner you have an abortion, the better. And if you decide to keep it, or choose adoption, you still need to be seen, every month. When you leave, stop by the check out counter, the nurse will have some pamphlets and prenatal samples for you. You need to take one a day. Most women find it easiest to take it in the mornings, but if you find yourself getting sicker in the mornings, try switching your pill taking time to night time. When you get in to your regular doctor, if that’s how you chose to go, they can write you a prescription for more. Any questions?”
“Um. I’m going to California… Is it safe to fly?”
“When are you going?”
“This Friday. The father… He’s stationed there…”I trailed off, looking at my hands.
“Yes, it’ll be safe to fly. I believe most airlines allow you up to thirty-two or thirty-four weeks.”
“What do I do?” I asked, looking up at her face for probably the first time since she walked in. She was younger than I thought she was.
She smiled. “Ella, you do what you think is right. And if you decide to keep the baby, whether for yourself or for adoption, the nurse will give you plenty of information on what to eat, and how to stay healthy. And if you decide not to keep the baby, the nurse will give you plenty of information on how to stay healthy. It’s your body. It’s up to you.”
“Thank you.” I whispered.