It's on the air you took and the breath you left...

Jason didn’t write me one single letter the whole 13 weeks he was at bootcamp. I tried to make up excuses for him. He was busy. Tired. But when Sean and Drew both told me they had gotten letters. Well, I was livid. And wounded. I knew what day he was coming home, and I promised myself I wouldn’t call him.
I tried to stay busy. My friends, they tried to keep me busy. I was in school, and when I wasn’t, I was working at a nursing home, as dietary aide. Unfortunately, that’s how Chris and I met, and he still worked there too. Working with him was hard. We’d fight, and I’d vow to stay away from him. Only Chris was one of those guys who wanted what they can’t have, so when I seemed unavailable, he’d want me back. He’d be so sweet, and I missed Jason so badly, that I’d get back together with him, or at the very least go out with him a couple times. However, we never lasted, and in those 13 weeks we must have broken up at least a dozen times. Sometimes we’d split and get back together in the same day.
Oh, young love, how much I don’t miss you.
I was desperate to get out, to get away from Chris and from Jason, and to be busy, really, really busy. So, when the opportunity arose to work at a summer camp for inner city children popped up, I jumped on it. The only problem was, I still had another couple months at home, and at the nursing home, before I could leave.
I was out with friends one night, headed to a club. I was not happy about going. I’ve never been into the whole drinking, loud music, sweaty bodies, crowded, dark, dampness of a club. But, being anywhere else besides my room seemed like a good idea.
The car was oddly quiet on the way to the club. The radio was low, the windows down and the air cool. I was in the front seat, my head leaned against the door. I was thinking of Jason, of what I was going to do when he got home. If we’d ever be the same Jason and Ella. Why things had to change.
I was a little startled when my phone buzzed. Anyone who would have called me was in the car with me. Unless it was Chris. I scowled at the thought.
I looked down and was a little shocked to see it was Jason. I realized what today was, and wondered how I could have forgotten. I opened the phone.
“Jason?”
“Hey, Gorgeous. It’s so good to hear your voice. I missed you.”

I couldn’t help it. I started to cry.

I made Jarren turn the car back around, and I went home. I packed up my stuff, and drove the four hours to Indiana. I was so angry at Jason, so mad that he blew me off, so sad that I had been forgotten about. But that was all over ruled by this overwhelming need to be near him. To hold him, to touch him. On the drive down there, my head and heart had a repeated argument.
“He doesn’t deserve you!” My head would scream.
“But I need him.” My heart responded calmly.
“You’re just going to get hurt!”
“But it’s worth it.”
I knew logically, I was better off in some dark dingy club with Jarren and the gang. But the thing about logic, is that it becomes null and void when it comes to matters of the heart. It just doesn’t apply anymore. Throw it out the window, it’s useless.
I’d rather spend my life nursing a broken heart than to be asking myself what if. I knew that’s what I would be doing right now, if I hadn’t gone to Jason that night. What if he didn’t know how I felt, what if he didn’t know how much I cared for him, what if that one night would have changed everything, but I had to go and be all logical about things.
So off I went.

I got there and knocked on the window, per usual. He knew I was coming, a desk lamp lit awaiting my arrival. It was late, but he was awake.
“You could have used the door.” He said, laughing slightly as I threw my bag in and slid in. He put his hands on my waist to guide me down. “My parents knew you were coming.” He brushed my hair away from my face as I turned around to face him.
“I know. But this… Is our way. My way.” I said. My heart was pounding, I was sure he could hear it. He kept his hands on my waist.
He nodded, like he understood. He didn’t look away.
“I really missed you Ella.” He said softly.
I couldn’t help but feel my blood start to boil a little.
“Oh really? Coulda fooled me.” I pulled away slightly, going to sit on his bed.
“You came all this way to fight with me El?” He asked, dropping his hands to his side.
“I didn’t think so. But Jason, I missed you too. And to not hear anything at all from you…” I stopped, looking away. “It hurt. A lot. It hurt and it made me angry, and sad, and just… You made me feel like shit Jason. You and I, we’re not us anymore. I don’t know what happened to us, but I miss us, and I want us back. And I don’t know how to get there, and I feel like you don’t care.” I looked back up at him. “I don’t want to lose you Jason.”
To my surprise, there were tears in his eyes. He sat down next to me, taking my hand into his.
“I’m sorry Ella. I really am. I never wanted to hurt you. It’s just. Boot camp was really hard at first, and all you could concentrate on was keeping up. But, after awhile, your body gets used to it. You can go through the motions and your head can be someplace else. I thought a lot. About you. About other things. I’ve had a lot of shit thrown at me these last couple years and it’s been difficult.”
“I know, Jas, but you didn’t have to close me out. It’s me, it’s us.”
He shook his head. “That’s the thing El. It wasn’t us. It was me. Just me. I was going through it alone, and that’s the way I had to do it.” He turned towards me. “Things will be different now. I promise.” He used his thumb to wipe away my tears.
To this day, I can’t recall who initiated it. I’m not even sure if and why it matters. All I know is one second he was wiping away a tear, and the next second I was in his arms, kissing him. Clothes were stripped, piece by piece. Skin was kissed, inch by inch. Breath was caught, words were whispered, promises were made. Hours went by, as we explored and rediscovered each other, and as the morning sun rose, Jason sank into me.
When we fell asleep, it was wrapped up in each other. I felt the same sleepy happiness that comes with drinking too much.
We woke up sometime in the afternoon. Again, I’m fuzzy on the details, like I was drunk, and I can’t remember who woke first or if we both woke at the same time. We greeted each other with sleepy, shy, slow smiles.
“Morning.” He said, his voice full of sleep.
“Afternoon.” I corrected, nuzzling his chest with my head.
He kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose, my chin. I traced his lips with my fingers.
“Perfection.” I mumbled.

We stayed in bed for awhile, dozing, cuddling, talking, thinking. Eventually hunger won, and while Jason went upstairs to fix us something to eat, I gathered my clothes to hop into his shower.
Jason’s basement was huge, and his parents had split it up into three sections. One part they made into Jason’s room, a smaller part was turned into a laundry room and storage, and the last part was made into what they called the kid’s room. When Jason and his sisters were younger, it had been their play room. I guess now it was still a play room, just for older kids. Toys had been replaced with a TV and a stereo. Stuffed animals were replaced with a sofa. There was a video game system, DVDs, and board games. In between this room and Jason’s room, his parents had a small bathroom built.
That’s where I was headed. I left Jason’s room smiling and humming to myself. I stopped suddenly when I saw the back of Jen’s head sitting on the sofa.
Talk about a buzz kill. I contemplated just walking into the bathroom, but there was no way to play off like I hadn’t seen her. It would have been just plain rude.
“Hi, Jen.” I said, continuing on into the bathroom.
“Ella. I should have figured you’d be here.” She said shortly.
“Nice to see you too.” I sing songed. I shut the bathroom door, got undressed, and started the water. Just as I got in, I heard a knock on the door.
“Yes?” I called, smiling, thinking Jason wanted to help me conserve water.
“I gotta pee. I’m coming in.” Ugh. Jen.
“Whatever.” I answered, not mentioning that there were two other bathrooms in this house.
“So. Happy Jason’s home?” She asked.
“Yeah, it’s nice having him back. You guys happy?” I asked, washing my face and starting on my hair.
“Sure. It’s weird without him here. It’ll be weirder when he goes to where ever he’s stationed.”
“Oh.” I answered, not wanting to think about it. “Does he know where yet?”
“No. You know who’s really happy to have him back though?”
“Who? I asked, rinsing the shampoo out of my hair. I applied conditioner and turned away from the water to let it soak in.
“Kayla. You know Kayla right? Jason’s ex girlfriend? She was at his welcome home party. They’re not exes anymore.”
“What?” I asked, trying badly to hide the alarm in my voice.
“Yeah, I thought he’d tell you? Though, you did get in rather late last night.” She said. “I’m not going to flush, I don’t want to scald you.” I could hear the smirk on her face.
Sure enough, when I got out, I noticed that the toilet was empty. She hadn’t had to pee, she had wanted to corner me.

Still, I didn’t know if I could be mad at her for telling me. I’m sure her intentions were not good ones, but if she hadn’t told me, I wonder if Jason ever would have. First things first though, I needed to ask Jason and make sure it was the truth. I couldn’t put it past Jen not to lie. I did know that Kayla was the one person, for whatever reason, that escaped Jen’s wrath. They were actually friends.
I got dressed and wrapped the towel around my wet hair. I walked into Jason’s room, stuffing my dirty clothes into my bag. Jason walked in behind me.
“You smell good.” He said, wrapping his arms around me from behind and kissing my neck.
“Mmm. I showered, you should try it.” I joked back. “Hey. Jen, uh… Told me something.”
“Oh yeah? What’d she cackle now?” He answered, handing me a plate that had a sandwich and some chips on it.
“She said you and Kayla were back together.” I said, looking down and then back up at him.
He was mid-chew when I asked the question, and as his mouth dropped open, I could see the mashed turkey, bread, and cheese.
“Well…” He started, his mouth half full. He held up a finger and finished chewing and swallowing.
“Well.” He started again. “She was here the other night for the welcome home party. And we did kiss. But, we never made anything official.”
“Oh.” I said, not sure what that meant. “Are you going to make things official?”
“El, I don’t know. I just got home, and I’m not even going to be here for a long time.” He started to look a little sheepish.
“So us. We’re not official either, are we?” I said, looking at him from the corner of my eye. I hadn’t touched my food.
“Ella.”
“Answer the question Jason.”
“I don’t know…”
“YOU have to be the one who knows. Because I know what I want. I know what it would be if the answer was up to me.” I threw my plate down on his bed, chips scattering everywhere.
“Ella don’t be mad at me…”
“Oh, don’t be mad at you eh? What the hell am I supposed to BE then Jason? You write everyone and their Mom from boot camp, but not me. You get in a fight with someone, and a day or two passes, and you’re over it, but you argue with me and it’s months, MONTHS Jason, before I hear from you. I love you Jason. When I said that, I meant it. I thought you did too.”
“I do love you Ella.” He said, putting down his plate.
“No you don’t. When you love someone Jason, you don’t intentionally use them like you used me. You don’t break their heart repeatedly. I’m so in love with you, I have been practically my whole life. And no matter what I do, who I am, it’s never going to be good enough, is it?” I asked. He looked down and didn’t say anything. I gathered up my bag and my keys.
“Ella wait…”
“No. I’m done waiting.” I said. I started to walk out. “Oh,” I called over my shoulder. “Thanks for the fuck.”
He winced, obviously hurt. And to this day, I don’t know if that makes me happy or sad.