Flashback: I ain't that sad, but I'm sad enough

Now after I had left Jason’s house that day, it was finally my turn to ignore him. It wasn’t as much fun as I had anticipated. In fact, it wasn’t fun at all, it was work. I’d see him online and I’d itch to IM him. I’d log into my email and had to delete whatever email he had sent me. And when the emails stopped coming, well, that was even worse. I kept tabs on him, low key, through Drew.
He was stationed out in California. He was in infantry, a grunt, and he loved every second of it. Drew said he asked about me occasionally, and that I should talk to him.
I didn’t know how too. I didn’t know how to get over the hurt I felt. I had been angry at first, mad that Jason has the audacity to use me like that, but that had faded with time, as anger usually does. But in it’s place, there was a deep feeling of hurt and embarrassment. It was like I had given Jason something that I had worked on for years, something I was proud of, something I put in a lot of time and effort. And he had just laughed, and thrown it away.
Still, there were times when I did pick up the phone, dialed the number, only to never press send. I wrote countless emails, letters… They were all deleted or thrown away. What was I supposed to say to him? You broke my heart, but it’s OK? It wasn’t OK. But I missed him.
My Aunt had gotten me a job working with inner city kids, and I spent eight weeks there, working harder than I had ever worked before. My days were busy, and sometimes I had so many kids whining, laughing, complaining, questioning, and just being… Kids… That it was a surprise to me that I remembered to breathe. I didn’t think about Jason during the days. The nights, however, were quiet. The kids often passed out after an exhausting day spent swimming, hiking, and doing other camp things. Quiet, as anybody with a broken heart knows, is not a good thing. It didn’t help that the stars at camp were as bright as prom night, and I couldn’t help but think of Jason. Couldn’t help but go over ever painstaking detail.
I was sad when camp ended. Sad because I’d miss the kids, sad because I’d have free time once again. I was excited to start school, and even more excited when the agency I worked for offered be a full time, year round position. I still needed to figure out how to spend the next few weeks before the program I was working for started.
While I was getting ready for the end of year camp staff dinner, my phone buzzed. I considered ignoring it, I was running late, but then figured it might have been someone on staff, telling me about a change in plans or needing a ride.
“Hello?” I answered, not bothering to look at the caller ID.
“Hey Ella. I didn’t think you’d answer. I was all set to leave a voicemail and you caught me off guard.” A female. She laughed nervously.
I looked down at my caller ID. Private number.
“Who is this?” I asked, glancing at the clock again, feeling a little agitated. I hated running late.
“Oh, yeah. Sorry. It’s Kayla. Kayla LaCrosse? I dunno if you remember me…”
Heart. Skipping a beat. Snapping ‘what the hell does she want’ while at the same time thinking ‘now now, she never did anything wrong.’
“Oh. Hi. Yeah, I remember you. What’s going on?” I sat down on my bed, feeling a little lightheaded. Being late was now replaced with a nagging feeling of ‘something isn’t right.’
“Look, I’m just going to be honest, because I have no idea how else to say it. But, I want to preface this by letting you know that I don’t mean anything in a harsh way. And, I know I’m sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong, but…” She trailed off. I heard her take a deep breath. “You need to stop being mad at Jason. I don’t know what he did, and I don’t need to know. But I know you guys have been friends for a long time, almost as long as I’ve known him. Whatever it is, you should just squash it. And, well. He’d kill me right now if he knew I was calling you. But he’s leaving, Ella. They’re sending him to Iraq, and I know if I were you, I would want to know.”
It got quiet. So quiet that I could feel the quietness. It closed in around me, squeezing in. I felt like it was hard to breathe.
“Ella?” Kayla’s voice sounded tinny and distant.
“I’m here.” My voice sounded way too big. Iraq?
“I hope they send you to Iraq and you die.” I whispered.
“What was that?” Kayla asked, confused.
“N-nothing.” I hesitated, wondering what I should say or do next. “Kayla, I’m sorry. I don’t want to blow you off, but I have a work thing, and I’m supposed to be there…” I looked at the clock. “Well, now. Actually. But, look. I appreciate you calling, I really do. And…” I sighed. “I’ll call him. Or come down. I’m supposed to be coming down to see Drew so maybe he and I can talk or something. I don’t know.”
“Alright, well. I’ll let you go. But, if you do talk to him… Don’t tell him I told you, OK? In fact, it’s probably best that you act like you don’t know. Have fun at your work deal.” She said. I heard the phone click.
It’s best if I act like I don’t know? That Jason is being sent to Iraq, where he could die. Where I once had told him that I hoped he did die at. How could I possibly call him, or see him, and not burst into tears? Not be overcome with guilt, knowing words I had uttered, even in anger, might come true?

I went to the staff dinner that night, and I calmed the daze I was in by drinking. While technically I wasn’t allowed to drink, being under twenty-one, arriving late had worked to my benefit. Most of the staff was already slightly buzzed, and they had no qualms about sharing the love and buying me drinks. The fact that I was underage never crossed their minds.
I felt the warmth of alcohol spread through my veins like liquid happiness. While, once again, I’ve never been a huge partier, and I’m very cautious when it comes to alcohol, I have mistakenly used it a couple of times to get rid of my problems. While I know it’s a crutch, and an unhealthy one at that, sometimes you just need a break. Stronger people might have found a better way to deal with it, or just sucked it up. But I was weak and I needed space, I needed my mind to feel fuzzy and incoherent. So alcohol entered the picture.
After the dinner the younger members on staff had decided to hit up a club. And you know what was invented by the devil? Drinks that contain an insane amount of alcohol, but taste like kool-aid. I slammed drink after drink, and even when some of the other counselors eyed me and told me to slow down, I waved them off laughing. Alcohol also makes you think you can handle anything, and that you’re the best at everything. The staff members who have come back still to this day tease me about what went on that night. I danced, I sang, I made a grade ‘A’ ass of myself. But I didn’t think of Jason. In fact, Jason was so far from my mind, that I winded going home with Antonio. A beautiful male counselor who was seven years older than me, gorgeous, and totally insane. (Really, he mumbled constantly about conspiracy theories and why God didn’t exist. And while I’m all for people having their own opinions about things, the way he talked was pretty creepy. He was a nice guy overall, but not somebody I’d want to date.) But, as I mentioned, totally hot. Easy smile, gleaming white teeth, mocha skin, muscled body…
He and I didn’t have sex, but had a pretty rough make out session, and he left the evidence on my face and neck. I had beard burn all over, including a few other embarrassing body parts. When I woke up that morning, I took a quick shower and packed a bag. Drew had been complaining about never getting to spend any time with me anymore, and he was right. I barely had two conversations with him the whole summer. Cell phone reception was spotty at best, and horrible in the cabins. It was too much effort for me to walk around trying to find a spot where I could get a bar or two. I walked out to the living room, gingerly stepping over sleeping bodies. I found Jarren, who had joined us in the partying when we made it back to the apartment and gently shook her awake.
“Mmm?” She asked, rolling over and looking up at me with half lidded eyes.
“I’m leaving for Indiana.”
She nodded once and rolled back over. Twenty bucks says she calls me in a few hours, having no recollection of this conversation.

I liked the drive to Indiana, leaving the city behind, seeing real live farmhouses and empty country highways. I wasn’t always a fan of driving, sometimes it actually scared me to drive, but this drive I knew like the back of my hand, and could probably drive blindfolded if I had too. I could let my mind wonder and drive on autopilot. Of course, this was one time when I didn’t want my mind to wander. Because it wandered immediately to Jason, like Mary’s lamb, my mind was always following Jason to places I wish it wouldn’t go. I was nervous, really nervous, about what I should say to him. And I focused too much on Iraq, on the dangers. On the bad things that in my mind that not only could happen and would happen, but already did happen. Jason getting shot, Jason getting blown up, Jason being taken prisoner… All these scenarios played out in my mind, and not a single one of them ended well.
I pulled into Drew’s gravel driveway. Drew had gone away to school, and had finished this year. He was still living with his parents, working for his Dad’s landscaping company. While I was here, I had promised him I’d help him look for an apartment. He was adamant that he needed a woman’s opinion, and his Mother’s didn’t count. His dogs barked in greeting, big, stinky, lab-mutts named Moose and Midge that were allowed to free roam. I gave them a friendly pat on the head and walked up onto the big wrap-around porch.
Drew’s parent’s house was totally country. From the wrap around porch (with a screened in section in the back), to the pond and the barn. It was white, with green shutters, and massive. Drew was now an only child, he used to have a younger brother and sister - twins, but both had died in a car accident when they were five and Drew was seven. Drew’s parents never really got over it, and instead threw themselves into their work. Instead of affection, the showered Drew with gifts, items, and freedom. Drew never really seemed to want any of it though, and it was honestly sad to see his parents and him shuffle around each other. They were good people, but it was hard to get over the ghosts in the room.
Drew came out to greet me, smiling wide, and opening up his arms to hug me. His enthusiasm shocked me. Drew was rarely openly affectionate. I usually had to force him to hug me.
“I missed you.” He said quietly, giving me an extra squeeze.
“I missed you too.” I answered, feeling a little awkward. He sat me down.
“Where’s your bag?” He asked, walking towards my car. He opened the door and popped the trunk. Pulling out my small duffle, he frowned. “This is all you brought?”
“Yeah.” I answered, walking over to the car. Moose and Midge followed suit. “Did you suspect I was moving in or something?”
“No, but this is like… Three days worth. If that.” He said, looking at my bag and back at me.
“Yeah, how long did you think I was staying, Drewbie?” I was starting to get a little irritated. It had been a long drive, it was hot outside, and I was sort of hungry. I was ready to go inside.
“I don’t know, I haven’t seen you all summer. And we had apartment hunting, and then Nick wanted you to hang out. He’s got this new girlfriend named Toni and I think she’s serious.”
“And three days isn’t enough to do all that?” I said, the irritation starting to show in my voice.
“Ella, you honestly think I’m going to be able to find an apartment in three days?” He asked.
“If you can’t then you’ll have to do it without me. You’re a big boy Drew.” I snapped.
Drew looked a little taken back. “You know I asked you to visit Ella. But you didn’t have to come when you were hardcore PMS-ing.” He threw back at me.
“You know Drew, I hate it how guys think that whenever girls are pissed off that the only reason is PMS. Did you ever stop to think that maybe…” I trailed off. When did I last actually PMS?
“Maybe what Ella?” He asked, shutting my trunk and heading back to the house.
“Nothing.” I said, now distracted from my earlier rant. I hadn’t gotten it at camp, I knew that. The box of tampons I had brought had sat unused. Why hadn’t this crossed my mind earlier? “I’m just hot, tired, and hungry. Can we go inside?” I said, trying to shine a smile in Drew’s direction.

Later that night, I had told Drew that I would go buy some clothes and stay a few extra days. Among the shirts, pants, bra’s and panties I had piled into the cart, laid a single pregnancy test. I paid for my things and went across the street to the McDonalds. Before exiting my car, I slipped the test into my pocket. I ordered a coke and fries, paid, and told the cashier I’d be right back. I went into the bathroom, read the instructions, and peed on the stick.
I didn’t even have to wait a full three minutes. The test was very clearly a positive one.