I didn't want to break your heart

Sorry so late guys, TOTALLY forgot today was my first day back... We're moving this weekend so hopefully next week is smoother! Oh, and Kbear asked for a link to the previous entries - here's the link to the last one: http://nothingmorethanapathy.blogspot.com/2010/05/tonis-pov-dont-try-to-fix-me-im-not.html If you want to go back further, right above the title of a post there's a blue bar that says home entries and comments, just click the entries link. Hope that helps!


I planned to fill Seth in on everything that had happened while he was gone when he got back. But when he walked in, I saw his face – stormy and angry. I had only seen it like that once before – when Jarren had jumped me. I stopped and watched him for a moment.

“Hey.” I said, touching his arm gently. He glared at me, and I removed my hand quickly.

“Sorry, El.” He said, shaking his head. He offered me a weak smile. “Let me go get the rest of the groceries, OK?” He kissed me on my head and walked back out.

I watched him, confused, when Christi walked in.

“Don’t mind him.” She said, setting down some bags. “Come back out to the porch. After that, I need a beer.”

“What happened?” I asked, following her. By now my ankle was sore, but I could walk on it with only a little discomfort.

Christi leaned into the fridge and pulled out a beer. She offered me one, which I shook my head too. She glanced at the door, and seeing Seth make his way up the porch, she said “come outside, and I’ll explain.

I waited patiently for her to dry off a couple of deck chairs and settle in. She took a few swigs of her beer.

“So?” I prodded.

“Seth used to live out here. When his Gramps got sick, they still hoped he’d get better and be able to come home. So he stayed out here – kept an eye on the place and his Grandpa. Well, he met someone. Kylie. They were pretty serious while he was out here. But then it became clear that his Grandpa wasn’t coming home, and he had planned on staying longer, to take over things, but then Chloe got sick, so… He headed home. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, we all thought Chloe would beat this thing pretty quickly.” She paused then, and took another swig of beer. Then she sighed and continued. “Anyway, Kylie… She was pretty mad that he stayed away, and even more pissed when he enrolled in school. I mean Seth still planned on coming back, but his sister and family was number one… He kept hoping it’d be over soon, and he could transfer to a school near here… But Kylie didn’t care. To make a long story short, Kylie just created a ton of drama – something Seth really didn’t need at the time. He was running ragged, trying to make it up here every chance he got, trying to take care of Chloe and his family who really were just falling apart, and balancing school. Anyway, one night Seth had plans to come up here, but Chloe got really sick. I mean Ella, we were really thinking we were going to lose her. Anyway, Seth called to explain to Kylie, and she just went nuts – she went so far as to tell Seth she hoped Chloe died so this could all be over with.”

“Oh man, that’s horrible!” I exclaimed.

“I know. But on one hand… I kind of get it. I mean they had these plans and they just went to hell. Anyway, she apologized later, and promised to make things easier on him… And she tried, but they still had their fights, and then there were accusations thrown out that there was cheating. Seth broke up with her a couple times, but they’d get back together. Finally, after a rough couple fights they broke up for good. Seth swore off long distance relationships forever. Anyway, whole point to this story… We just ran into her. And it wasn’t pretty.”

“What happened?” I asked, now sitting on the edge of my seat.

“Well, it started out OK. They exchanged hello’s and how are you’s and all that. She asked about Chloe and his family… Then she invited herself over to catch up. Seth mentioned he was here with his girlfriend, and of course she narrowed her eyes at me – like we were back together. Then she started going on and on about how she had a fiancé and all this other stuff… I mean it just quickly turned into a one-up each other thing, and then into a accusation thing about who’s fault the break up was. Seth should have just left, but he didn’t. So now he’s all worked up, wondering if he really was as bad to her as she makes it sounds, and wondering if he’ll repeat the same mistakes with you… I mean really, it’s just one of those situations where two people really loved each other but just weren’t going to work out you know? And now they’re both too angry and hurt to ever be friends again.”

That last part made me think of Drew, Jason, and I. Before I had too much time to dwell on if we were one of those kinds of people, Seth came out.

“Hey… Sorry about earlier.” He glanced at Christi. “I assumed you told her?”

Christi nodded and stood. “You can take my chair. I need a refill. Anyone want anything?”

We both shook our heads and she left. Seth plopped down and was quiet for a moment.

“I mean from the sound of things… It wasn’t your fault.”

He ran a hand over his face. “I mean you’re right. Mostly it wasn’t my fault. But, some of it was. I shouldn’t have promised to come back. I should have been more realistic about Chloe’s diagnosis, and I should have been more honest. I knew I was never coming back… I just wanted to make everyone happy, and I couldn’t, but I kept trying and all I ended up doing was run myself into the ground. Anyway, I never thought long distance things worked… You’re here and I’m there and eventually one of us is going to have to move or it’s never going to come together. I dunno. I was young and stupid and thought if I just held on long enough, we could make it work. But all I ended up doing was holding on long enough to make me hate her. And I do hate everything about her.”

“No you don’t.” I protested.

“OK, hate is a strong word. But I look at her and can’t for the life of me remember what I ever saw in her. And that bugs me the most. I know we had good times, but I can’t remember them at all. So now I have this thing where I tend to leave before the going gets rough, so I can still remember the good times.”

“Is that a warning for me?”

He smiled. “I’ve been working on it. We’ve had our bumps and I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“Yeah.” I said, walking over to sit on his lap. He wrapped his arms around me.

“So what happened when I was gone? You guys get caught in the rain?”

“I’m not sure if Matt and Chloe did… They wandered off.”

“Oh no. You left Matt alone with my innocent baby sister?”

“Oh whatever Seth. She’s a grown woman.”

“I know that!” He exclaimed. “That’s why I don’t trust him alone with her!”

I could tell by the look on his face that he was half joking and half serious. I didn’t have any over protective siblings of my own, but I heard enough stories from my friends to know that sometimes older brothers could be torture on boyfriends.

“Matt’s a good guy. You have nothing to worry about.”

“If he’s such a good guy why didn’t you snap him up?”

I shrugged. “When he first moved in, he was dating someone. Then I was with Drew. Now I guess I’m just waiting for you to dump me before I try to snag him, though it looks like Chloe beat me to it.” I said, mock pouting.

“Oh I’ll dump ya alright!” He said, making a move to stand and dump me on the ground.

“Seth!” I squealed, grabbing his shirt. “Don’t!” I said, laughing. “Seriously, I fell and hurt my ankle earlier. Don’t hurt me worse!”

“Oh you poor baby.” He said, sitting back down. “Which ankle?”

I pointed to it, and Seth took a look at it.

“Definitely swollen, but I’ve seen worse. So you fell huh?”

“Yeah, I was heading back to the house from the pond to start dinner, and I fell in a hole. Drew had to carry me.”

“Hmm. Drew did, eh?”

“Yeah, I actually think we made up.”

Seth was quiet for a moment, and I turned to look at him. He studied my face for a second.

“Well. Good then. I just…”

“Food’s done guys.” Drew said, climbing up on the porch with a plate full of meat.

“Oh, good, I’m starving.” Seth said.

“Wait, what were you going to say?” I asked as Drew went in the house.

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” He replied, his face looking stormy once again.

I stared at him for a moment, wondering if I should push, and decided against it. Instead I headed inside and left him on the porch alone.