And I'm done hoping we could work it out...

---sorry it's short, I wanted to get something out and I just thought it was a good cut off place --


My mouth dropped open. Not attractive, I’m sure, but I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. But then again, I wondered if it was a good thing. Surely Drew would never agree to something like that...

“And?” I prompted, realizing he was quiet. I saw him working his jaw, and I knew that meant he had something important to say. His face was blank though, and I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad.

“And… I think she might be right.” He finally said, still not looking at me.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach – like I might throw up a little bit. And then I got mad.

“Seriously Drew?” I asked, half wondering if this was some sort of a prank.
He nodded slowly.
“What a load of bullshit.” I said, standing up.

“How is this bullshit Ella?” He asked, his own voice rising.
“Because we’ve been friends for how long Drew? And how long have you known this girl? Hell, I didn’t even know anything about her, but suddenly she’s saying jump and you’re saying how high?”

“Seriously Ella? You’re going there?”
“Where else am I supposed to go Drew? How exactly do you propose I handle this whole situation?”
“You, you, you, you. It’s ALWAYS about you Ella, and your needs, and your wants, and how YOU should handle it. Grow up, my world does not revolve around YOU.”
“I need to grow up? Your little girlfriend is the one who can’t even handle you being friends with a girl who’s just your friend.”
“Ha.” Drew laughed bitterly. “You would think that was all that it was about, wouldn’t you?”
“Do you care to actually explain things Drew? Or do you just want to keep being sarcastic and mean, before you walk away and shut me out without explaining anything?”

He sighed loudly, and his annoyance clearly showed, which made me more aggravated. If he wanted to call me selfish and self centered, fine. I wouldn’t argue with that, but I still felt like I deserved an explanation.

“She asked me not to talk to you. If I didn’t agree, I wouldn’t do it Ella. You may not see the reason why, but I don’t want to be a Jason. I have feelings for you and I probably always will, but you broke my heart. Don’t you get that? Don’t you get that you’re not the only one who gets hurt in situations like these? I can’t be with you, I don’t trust you. And in order to give it a good shot with someone, I have to get some space from you. I can’t have the memory of us hanging over this new relationship – it’ll suffocate it.”

I had to swallow a lump in my throat. It probably was really selfish of me, but thinking about how I had hurt Drew was too hard to think about. I hated myself for it. Before I had a chance to say anything, Drew spoke up.

“Not to mention Ella, you didn’t seem all that concerned with our friendship when you were with Seth.”

“I guess I just don’t know what’s expected of me anymore, Drew. I tried to be alone, but you tell me not to be, because you’re not coming back. I get with someone, and suddenly I’m selfish and I always have to be with someone. I break up with Seth because I realize he’s not who I really want…”

“And who do you really want?” He asked, looking at me.

“You know the answer to that question Drew. I’ve made mistakes in the past. I’ve never really laid it on the line like that. But I did for you, because I really believe you’re it for me. I love you. I want you. And if that’s not enough… I guess I really just don’t know what else to tell you. If begging will help, I’ll beg. If I need to publically humiliate myself, I’ll do that too. If I have to get down on my hands and knees and kiss your feet…. You just say the word. I can’t, however, take back what I did. I want too, but there’s no time machine. I can’t erase the past. So, if there’s nothing else I can do to change your mind, then I guess maybe you’re right. Maybe space is good. Whatever you need to do to be happy, I guess.”

I realized at some point I had given up. I know in the past I hadn’t really fought for the guy, but there was also something to be said about fighting a losing battle. If there was nothing I could do, I couldn’t just keep spinning my wheels, and getting nowhere.

“I’m sorry Ella. If I had known it was going to end up like this…” He trailed off.

“What? You wouldn’t do it?”

He looked away, but not before I saw the slight nod of his head.

“Out of all the things you’ve ever said or done to me, that hurt the worst. Because no matter how it ended Drew, I’m still glad it happened. I have nothing left to say to you.”

“I’m sorry, Ella.”

“Bye Drew.” I said.

I walked into the house, unsure of how I really felt. Mainly just empty. I had expected more, but I just felt tired and deflated. What else could I have done? Apparently one slip up with Jason was all it took to ruin Drew’s feelings for me. I understood him feeling betrayed, but if he wasn’t willing to take a chance and give me a second shot, I didn’t know what else I could do. Obviously I just wasn’t worth it to him.

“You doing OK?” Matt asked, coming in from the living room.
I shrugged, not sure what else to say. “He doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Says it makes his new girlfriend uncomfortable.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah. But I mean, what else can I do?” I asked. “I’m just kind of sick of this whole ‘you’re not worth it’ deal. It was like that with Jason for the longest, and I just kept holding on… I don’t want to do the same with Drew. So, he can take his time, and he can take his space, and hopefully at the end of this, we’ll both be some place good.”
“You sure you’re alright?” He asked, eyeing me suspiciously.
“I’ll be fine. Just sad. And tired. I should go to bed.”
“Do you want company?” He asked. I shot him a look. “No, I mean, really, just company, nothing else?”
“No. I think I better go this one alone.”

I was surprised to find that I meant it.