I'm gonna close my eyes and forget about us

Matt looked at me, and I could see he was cringing, but what could we do, really? So we walked over. Drew’s girlfriend moved next to him, leaving half the booth for Matt and I.

“I’m Jessica.” She said, reaching her hand out to me. “Do you know Drew already?”
I wanted to laugh, but instead I just answered. “Yes, Drew and I go way back. I’m Ella.”

I saw something flicker in her eyes when I said my name. Maybe I was just being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure Drew had told her about me. And I wasn’t quite sure whether or not that was a good thing. She recovered well.

“It’s nice to meet you, Ella.” She replied. I waited for her to say something about hearing about me, but she did. Instead she turned to Matt, ignoring me. I sat there a moment, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and then excused myself to go to the bathroom. I stayed in there for as long as I could manage, taking time to not only wash my hands, but splash cool water on my face. Matt and I had just woken up, but I suddenly felt like I could go back to bed and stay there for another twelve hours.

I walked out, deciding to tell them I didn’t feel good so I could make my escape, when I bumped right into Drew. He had been waiting for me. My heart skipped a beat.

“You alright?” He asked, looking at me carefully.
“It hurts.” I said, honestly. “Matt said you two were serious. How can you be so serious when I didn’t even know about her? We’re best friends Drew.”
“We were best friends, Ella.” His voice was gentle, but his words still bit me. “We don’t really talk anymore.”
“It’s too hard.”
“You did it with Jason for years.” He pointed out.
“You’re not Jason.”
“I know.” He smiled a little. “Back in the day I used to wish I was.”
“Why?” I asked. “I love you, just the way you are.”
“Because you wanted him, Ella. I wanted you to want me.”
“When did that stop?” I asked. I had no idea where this conversation was going, but I was hopeful.
However, Drew didn’t answer. He just shook his head and glanced away.
“I hooked up with Matt last night.” I blurted out. I hadn’t meant to tell him, but I was also a little relieved that I did.
“Why?” He asked, his eyes snapping back to me.
I shrugged. “I’m broken. I do stupid things when I’m sad. I can’t be alone. I’m selfish. Pick one or all of those reasons.”
“You’re not selfish Ella.”
“I am, Drew. I’m selfish and I’m horrible at being alone.”
“We should go back. I told them I’d check on you.”
“I’m telling them I’m sick and I’m going home.”
Drew nodded, as if he expected this.
“Tell me you don’t love me anymore.” I said. I kicked myself. It’s like my heart had taken over my mouth and kicked my brain out of the equation.
He shook his head again. “I can’t do that.”
“So you still love me?” I asked, my voice small.
“Yes.”
“Then why aren’t we together?” I asked, my voice cracking.
“Ella, don’t do this.”
“I want to know, Drew.”
“I know you do. But some things are better left unsaid.” And with that, he turned and walked back towards the table.

I didn’t bother to go back over there. I knew I was being rude, but I walked outside and called Matt from the car, telling him I didn’t feel good and that we should go. He had our food boxed up and came out a few minutes later with it. He drove, not for home, but instead to the River, where we sat by the water.

“That bad, huh?” Matt asked, his mouth half full of his sandwich. I took the bun from mine, no longer hungry, and tore pieces off to throw to the ducks.
“I see him and I just get filled with… I dunno. Shame. Regret. Sadness. Take your pick. And his girlfriend? She hates me.”
“She doesn’t know you.”
“But she knows about me. And what she know makes her not like me.”
“You just need to get over it El.”
“I know. But that’s a lot easier said than done.” I answered. “I told him we hooked up.”
“To make him jealous?” Matt asked, looking at me.
“No. I didn’t want it to be another Jason issue. I’m trying this thing where I learn from my mistakes.”
“Oh, so I was mistake, huh?”
I rolled my eyes. “That’s not what I meant. I just… I wonder what would have happened if I had told Drew about the whole thing with Jason. If it would have changed anything.”
“Well, there’s no point in wondering that. What’s done is done.”
I nodded.

Matt finished the rest of his dinner in silence, and then we walked back to the car and drove home. I was surprised to see a car in the driveway, and more surprised when I saw Drew sitting in the front seat.

“What’s he doing here?” I asked Matt, unable to keep the excitement out of my voice.
“Maybe he came to kick my ass for hooking up with you.” Matt answered, shrugging.
I tried to pace myself while getting out of the car, I didn’t want to seem too eager, but I found myself almost skipping towards him.

He exited his car, shutting the door, and leaning on it. He nodded to Matt, who nodded back and kept walking into the house. I felt nervous, and didn’t really know how to settle myself. Eventually I decided to sit on the front steps, and Drew followed me.

“So what’s up?” I asked, feeling the nerves start to settle in the pit of my stomach.
He wouldn’t look at me, glancing instead at Toni’s house down the street. He cleared his throat once, and opened his mouth. Then, deciding against it, he closed it again.
That’s when my hope died. If Drew was coming here with some big love confession, he would not be this nervous.
“Drew, what is it?” I asked, laughing nervously.
“It’s Jess. She… Uh. She asked me not to talk to you anymore.”