Out here it's like I'm someone else, thought that I could find myself...

click here for the last post I fixed it so it should directly link you. Before you had to copy and paste.

I fixed it so it should directly link you to the post, the address I posted before WAS the post, but you had to copy and paste.

This is shorter than most posts - It just seemed like a good place to cut off. However, I already know what the second post will be, so it shouldn't take too long to write and I'm hoping that will either be up tomorrow (er... Later today I guess) or Thursday.

My situation was made even more frustrating when I realized I had no one to vent too. I hated to admit it, but I hated it here, and I wanted to go home. Not only did it sting that Santana wanted nothing to do with me, but his reasoning really hit me in my core. I had messed up a lot in life. My love life was in shambles and it was pretty much all my fault, my professional life was severely threatened, and I really had no friends. But I loved my kids. I had and would continue to fight for them, even if I was no longer employed with the agency. I still kept in touch and helped out camp kids who were no longer in the program. I care about the cause, I cared about the kids. So Santana flat out saying that I was just doing this for the bragging rights… Well. He was wrong.
I however, decided that I couldn’t do anything to change Santana’s mind. Telling him my accomplishments with my kids at home would just sound like I was bragging. I had to put my money where my mouth was – which meant giving my all to these kids here and now. I met them the morning they came back, full of big ideas… And I was knocked flat on my ass. These kids were different from my kids at home. They were slightly older, and therefore a little more jaded. And mean.
The ringleaders were two girls named Infone and Jaleesa. The other girls were manageable one on one, but that rarely happened, and the way they acted in a group was out of control. Within the first week, we had three fights (the first one I made the mistake of jumping in to break up, and ended up with a black eye and bloody lip.) We also had Infone attempt to sneak out and Cumulus barked and foiled her plan, and then on Friday Jaleesa stupidly tried to sneak two boys in. How they managed to get out of their cabin, I have no idea, but Cumulus was not letting them enter ours.
They also messed with my things. Nothing major, but they’d accidentally knock pictures over, or look at them and call Toni fat or her kids ugly. I had some make-up go missing. I was able to handle these things, and mainly tried to ignore them so I wouldn’t add fuel to the fire, but something happened in the middle of my third week there, and I ended up snapping.
One of the girls needed walked to the infirmary. She claimed she “fell” but it looked to me like someone hit her. I didn’t want to take all the girls with me, as it was dark and I knew one of them would try to slip out, so instead I called the security guard and asked that he do extra checks on my girls while I was gone. I also knew the girls were terrified of Cumulus for the most part, and I didn’t think they’d attempt to cross him.
I was wrong.
The girl ended up needing to go the hospital for some stitches, so there were incident reports to fill out and parents to call. I didn’t have to go with her, but it took me longer than I thought to get back to my cabin. I was beyond nervous when I saw that the lights were out and it was quiet. My door was also cracked open, which made my stomach flip. I bolted up the stairs and it was dark in the girls’ room as well. I was almost afraid to enter, but I needed to do a head check. I didn’t think they’d seriously hurt me… Right?
I used my flashlight and counted heads. All the girls were there. Even Infone and Jaleesa. There were no extra heads. I searched under beds and even in their bathrooms shower stalls. I acted like I was headed downstairs and listened outside their door. Nothing. They were asleep, and they were alone.
Something still didn’t sit right with me, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. It was quiet. Cumulus was gone, but he often went outside at night. It made me nervous the first couple times he did it, but he always came back, so I had gotten used to it. My stomach was still in knots and I didn’t know how to settle it down, so I decided to break my vow of silence and call Jason.
“Hey there stranger.” He answered.
“Hey, how are you?”
“Good, you alright? You sound funny.”
“Just…” I sighed. Homesick. That’s what it was. The jumble in my stomach was homesickness. “I wanna go home.” I blurted out.
“Aw, Ella…” Jason said. I knew he felt badly, but I also know he didn’t know what to say.
“It’s OK. It really is. I’m just a little homesick tonight. I feel like I have no real friends here, no one to talk too. The girls hate me, and the feeling is pretty mutual. I just… I didn’t think it’d be this hard, you know? I mean I didn’t think I’d come in and fix everything like super woman or something, but every second of every day is such a struggle with them. I miss my kids, I miss my house, I miss Ohio.”
“So leave. Nobody’s forcing you to stay there.” His words may have sounded harsh, but his tone was kind – he thought he was offering a great solution.
“I can’t do that. I can’t give up.” Santana was in the back of my mind, but I wasn’t going there. “Anyway. I’ll get over it. How are you? What have you been up too?”
“I’m at home actually.” He said, chuckling. “In Illinois.”
“Lucky.” I teased. “What are you doing there?”
“Drewbie’s Dad needed some help on the house. I had some time and Mom’s been bugging me to see me, so I came home to hang out with him for a bit and see her.”
It took everything I had not to ask about Drew, but I bit my tongue, and instead asked about his Mom and sister. We chit-chatted for a while, and by the time we got off the phone, the pit I had at the bottom of my stomach was almost gone. Jason had made me feel better, and it also made me feel good that we were starting to be able to talk like true friends.
I got up to get changed, and realized Cumulus still wasn’t back. That was starting to get unusual. While he liked his night strolls, he usually didn’t stay out this long. I peeked out the front to see if he was camping out on the porch. No Cumulus. I called his name a few times, and heard nothing. I decided to read for a while. I felt stupid waiting up for a dog, but the homesickness was starting to creep back in, and I knew I’d feel better if I could cuddle up next to my one link to home that I had here.
At some point, I must have dozed off. I woke the next morning to sun streaming in the window. I bolted upright and looked on my floor to see if Cumulus had come in. No dog. I tip toed across the cold floor to see if he was on the porch. No dog. I paused for a moment and then bolted up the stairs, flipping on the girls light.
“What did you girls do with my dog?”