Please don't tell her that I've been meaning to miss her, because I don't

“Hi.” I said, plastering a smile on my face and walking in to greet the two. Matt looked a little sheepish.

“Kellie?” I asked, sticking out my hand.

“No… Amber.” She said, looking quizzically at Matt. “Who’s Kellie?”

I dropped my hand.


“Old friend from back home who’s coming up for Thanksgiving.” Matt answered quickly.

Old friend? How about ex girlfriend? Was what I wanted to say. But, I bit my tongue, hoping that Matt would get the WTF signals I was trying to send him.

“Amber and I met at the gym. Ed introduced us, she’s a fitness instructor.”

“Oh.” I replied, trying to smile. That still didn’t explain what she was doing here. What Matt was doing with her.

“We were just going to watch a movie. If that’s OK.”

“Don’t have to ask me, it’s your house too.” I said. I knew I couldn’t ask the questions that I wanted too, nor get the answers that I wanted while she was still here. I started walking back towards the kitchen.

“Stop by the gym sometime.” Amber said. “I’ll give you a free workout session.”

I stopped in my tracks, and turned to look at her. It was an incredibly catty thing to say. But, the look on her face really was a nice one, as if she just wanted to be nice, and she wasn’t trying to imply that I was fat or needed a workout. I smiled back, confused. Either she was really nice, or really good at being a bitch.

I packed up the things I had cooked in containers, stacked into “for work” piles and “for Thanksgiving” piles. I rinsed and stacked most of the dishes into the dish washer, leaving the pots to soak overnight, knowing I would feel like doing them once Drew got here, but that I didn’t feel like doing them now, either.

I shut off the lights in the kitchen, a plate of freshly made rice crispy treats in my hand. I didn’t know if fitness instructors ate rice crispy treats, but I knew Matt did. And I knew it would be a perfect opportunity to drop in and check out Amber one more time before I went to bed. I couldn’t help it, I was nosy, and I hated the fact that I would have to wait until tomorrow to question him on what was going on with them.

I stood at the door a second, watching them. Matt was sitting on the end of the couch, his feet up on the coffee table. Amber was sitting close to him, her head laying on his shoulder, his arm around her. There went my ‘just friends’ theory. I was kind of angry, again. Part of it was the jealousy coming back, but the other part is that Matt didn’t strike me as the type of guy who went from one girl to another. He had JUST broken up with Kellie, and it had been a long relationship. What was he doing, jumping back into the dating scene so quickly?

I was about to back out of the room, not wanting to share my rice crispy treats anymore, when Cumulus came padding in and gave me away. The dog followed me everywhere, and had fallen asleep in the kitchen while I was baking. When he woke to find me gone, he came to find me. A dog Cumulus’ size is not a quiet dog.

“Hey.” I said sheepishly. I had been caught. “Rice Crispy treats?” I said, raising the plate.

Matt looked at me, confused, but answered “sure.”

I handed the plate to Matt, who took two and offered the plate to Amber. She did take one, which made me like her a little better. Matt set the plate on the table.

“Well, I’m going to bed. Night.” I said, with an awkward wave.

I was irritated, but I tried to shake it off. I let Cumulus out, and came back inside, freezing. He and I snuggled under my blanket, and I reached for the phone to call Drew.

Talking to Drew always made the stress ease in my life. We made plans for tomorrow. He was leaving work as early as possible, and hoped he could be here by the time I got off work. We were going to go out to dinner, and then he wanted to stop by the grocery. I told him I had already made stuff for Thanksgiving, but he said he wanted to make something together.

He finally kicked me off the phone, saying that in order to get off early, he was going to go in early, and needed to get off the phone. I fell asleep forgetting about Matt, instead focusing on my excitement to see Drew the next day.

The next day was really rushed. Even though Matt and I were excused from the dinner, we weren’t excused from preparing for it. To top it all off, the kids had an early dismissal that day, so we had them for a lot longer than usual. The only upside is that a few parents had picked up their kids early, the ones that were leaving to go out of town or who had relatives coming in. We stuck most of the kids in the back theatre, picking a few of the older ones, the more responsible ones to come help us do things, like slice veggies, or set up tables and chairs. Despite all the chaos, it worked well, and time flew by. Before I knew it, I was packing up my bag to go home, the envelope with the agency’s credit card safely in my purse, ready to use for shopping on Friday morning.

I pulled into my driveway, excited to see Drew’s beat up old truck. Parked next to it though, was a tiny little VW bug. I wrinkled my nose, wondering if that was Amber’s car, if she was back. I had forgotten to ask him about her at work, and now wondered if I could question him in front of Drew or not.

I walked in, and was greeted by a happy Cumulus, followed by an even happier Drew, who scooped me up in his arms. Matt, who had left earlier than I did, followed, eyeing Drew and I with a guarded look that I couldn’t read. Behind him, was a short woman. I was surprised to see that she was clearly not Amber.

Amber had been tall, blonde, thin and fit, and, well… Stereotypically beautiful. This woman was short, a little chubby. Her brown hair was cut in a neat little bob that she tucked behind her ears. Her eyes were warm and brown. Her face was cute… But I wouldn’t call her beautiful. Her nose and face reminded me of a rabbit, but not in a buck tooth, ugly kind of way. It was just her small button nose twitched a little when she smiled at me.

“Ella?” She asked, sticking out her hand. “I’m Kellie.”

Her voice was so big coming from such a small person.

“Hi.” I said, smiling back. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Thanks so much for inviting me to your parents. I know it was last minute.”
“Aw, it was no problem.” I said, squeezing Drew’s hand and leaning over to scratch Cumulus on the head.

We moved to the living room, where Matt sat in the same spot he had sat in with Amber last night. It was odd though, to see Michelle sit down next to him. I could see that the way she was holding her body, was tense. It was almost like she was so used to just plopping down beside him, leaning up against him as she did so, that it was unnatural for her to sit so far away from him. I felt bad for her. I liked Kellie so far, got a good vibe from her. I knew what she was going through, and I felt a pang, thinking about how I had to act around Jason after we broke up. How hard it was TO act, to pretend like you were OK when you weren’t. How badly your body could miss another person’s so badly. I shook my head, trying to focus on what the group was talking about.

“No, we couldn’t… You just got here, you probably want to spend some alone time with Ella. It’s fine.” Matt was saying.

I looked to Drew, trying to figure out what they were talking about.

“It’s just dinner.” Drew said, laughing. “It’s not like we’d be alone there anyway, we’d be in a restaurant full of people. Kellie said she was starving, so just go ahead and join us. It’ll be fun. Like a double date.”

Now, Drew didn’t know what he had said, and nothing registered on Matt’s face either. But as soon as the words “double date” fell out of Drew’s mouth, I saw a flash of hurt fall across Kellie. I don’t know if anyone else noticed it, but the room got a little quiet for a moment.

“Dave and Busters.” I blurted out.

“What?” Matt said, looking at me.

“We can go to Dave and Busters. I mean, c’mon, that place is way more fun with more people. I’ll call some work people. It’ll be a group thing. Kellie you can meet some of the people Matt and I work with.”

Kellie smiled at me, grateful that it wouldn’t just be the four of us.

“Ella, I don’t know. If we do that, how late are we going to be out?” Drew asked.

“Does it matter?” I asked.

“Yeah, I wanted to come back and cook something.”

I waved him off. “I told you Drew, my Mom made tons of stuff, and I made some last night. We’ll be fine.”

“But I wanted to help.” Drew protested.

“Yeah, me too. I kind of crashed your Thanksgiving. I’d feel better if I brought something.” Kellie chimed in.

I sighed. “Well, I mean. Fine. Wal-marts open twenty four hours. We’ll just go there after Dave and Busters. It doesn’t matter how late we stay up, we don’t have to be at Mom’s till two, so we can sleep in.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Kellie said, smiling. I think she was happy that her every moment so far with Matt was going to be occupied. I got the feeling she wanted to be around Matt, but didn’t trust herself alone with him.

“That works.” Drew agreed. I started texting people to invite them.

“Great.” Matt grumbled.

I looked up to shoot him a “what’s your problem” look, but he just rolled his eyes and looked away.

I was so sick of Matt and his freaking mood swings.

FB: Let me be empty, oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight

Normally I’m not a fan of guys crying. I know it’s stereotypical and wrong, but it often annoyed me, as if I saw them as being weak. However, Jacob crying didn’t annoy me. It broke my heart.

I tried my best to soothe him, wrapping my arms around him, rubbing his head and back. He finally stopped, though I don’t think I was the reason. However, him stopping was worse than him crying. It was like he was stone. One second he was sobbing in my arms, the next, he was standing up, wiping away tears.

“I need to go home.” He said, his voice firm.

“Your mom wants you to wait until the morning. I was going to try to call off and take you.”

“No.” He said. I was a little hurt by his firm tone. He saw my face and softened a little. “You’ve taken enough time off. I’m a big boy, I can drive myself.”

“Jake… You’re really upset. I would feel a lot better if you waited till morning. I mean I could at least see if I could take one more day off and drop you off… Or at least let me call Drew or Jason and see if they could come give you a ride.”

To my surprise, he nodded. “You can call Drew or Jason, but Ella. You need to go to work.”

He was being sensible and calm. That scared me. I nodded, and decided to call Jason. First of all, Jacob knew Jason better, I figured he would be more comfortable with Jason. Secondly, Drew had a bit of a relationship with Michelle. It may have only been one date, but I didn’t know if they had continued to talk. I didn’t know how upset Drew himself would be.

I wasn’t surprised when it was Kayla who answered the phone.

“Hi, Kayla. It’s Ella. Can I talk to Jason?”

She was quiet for a moment. “He’s asleep. I’ll have him call you when he wakes up.” She said, her own voice sounded fuzzy with sleep, but I also heard an edge. I knew she probably wondered why I was calling her boyfriend in the middle of the night.

“Kayla, I need to talk to him now.”

“Ella. He’s sleeping…” She said, her voice a little harsher.

“Michelle’s dead, Kayla. I wanted to see if he could come get Jacob and take him home. I don’t think I can get off work.”

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.” She said quickly. “Jas, get up!” I heard her say.
Jason got on the phone, and I explained the situation to him. Kayla said she would drive Jason here, and then Jason could drive Jacob home in his own car.

After I got off the phone with Jason, I realized I was shaking. I was so tense, I needed to let loose, but I was afraid of doing that in front of Jacob.

“I’m going to run and get some food. Coffee. Something. I know you may not feel like it, but you need to eat.” I said. I was afraid to leave him, but I figured I could ask Jarren to baby-sit.

Jarren agreed to keep an eye on him. Normally I’d be concerned with Jarren being irresponsible, and slipping, but I knew Jacob had freaked her out with the phone throwing stunt. I took everyone’s breakfast orders, forcing Jacob to eat something. When I left Jarren was sitting on the sofa next to Sammy, watching Jacob like a hawk.

As soon as the door on the apartment shut, I started to cry. I felt stupid, and hoped no one would see me, but I couldn’t help it. I felt so… Guilty. The last look I had seen on Michelle’s face had been one of extreme hurt and sadness, and that flashed repeatedly through my head. I was so sorry it had to end like this. It made me feel even worse to know that if I felt this bad? Jacob felt even worse.

I picked up the phone, sniffling, to call the only person I could think of to call. Toni.

Surprisingly, when she answered, she sounded wide awake.

“I know why I’m awake. Why are you?” She asked. I heard the TV on in the background.

“I’ll tell you, but first you tell me.”

“Pregnancy insomnia. What’s wrong? You sound like you’ve been crying.”

I burst out into a fresh set of tears. I relayed the Michelle story, yet again.

“Oh honey.” Toni said. “That’s horrible.”

“I know. And I feel horrible. Sandy keeps saying it’s all her fault, and Jacob keeps saying it’s all his fault. But really? It’s all my fault. Had I never come around? Michelle would still be here.”

“Oh c’mon now Ella. You know that’s not right.”

“It IS right. Because Jacob met me, Michelle made him choose.”

“Ella. If Michelle was already so fragile that all it took was her losing Jacob to make her do this? Then it was going to happen sooner or later.”

“Maybe not. Maybe eventually Jacob would have given in, and married her, and everything would be OK.” I sniffed.

“I’m sorry, but now you just sound dumb. If you’re that depressed that dying seems like the only answer? Then a man isn’t going to fix things.”

“But she loved him. And I took him away!” I said, crying even harder.

“First of all, you weren’t the one who took him away. You were willing to have her in your lives. She wasn’t willing to be in yours. She made that choice. And she made the choice not to even bother to ask for forgiveness. Secondly, she did love him. So what? You loved Jason. Jason rejected you. You’re still living.” She sighed, deeply. “Look, Ella. I didn’t know the girl that well. I am sorry she died. I’m sorry that anyone feels that hopeless and that lonely. I know both you and Jacob have to be feeling incredibly guilty, but it’s not your fault. Bad things happen in everyone’s lives. You can’t control how other people react to those bad things. Some people pick up and carry on, other’s can’t. It’s not your fault, it’s just a sad situation is all.”

“I still feel horrible.” I said, sniffling.

“I know you do. And there’s nothing I can say to make you stop feeling horrible. And there’s nothing you can say or do to make Jacob not feel horrible. The only thing that’s going to fix it is time. You just need to be there, be supportive. Be sorry that this happened, but don’t feel sorry for him. Don’t let him beat himself up either, and don’t beat yourself up.”

“Easier said that done.” I muttered.

“I know. I know.” She said back, her voice quiet and soothing.

“Now what do I do?” I asked, feeling completely clueless. I wasn’t good at this sort of thing, I never felt like I was able to comfort someone. It always felt fake, forced, and awkward.

“You just… Be there for him.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. Answer his phone calls in the middle of the night. Hug him. Listen to him, even if that means sitting on the phone and listening to him cry. How’s he doing?”

“I don’t know.” I answered honestly. “He didn’t believe it at first, he thought Michelle planned all this. He called everyone trying to find someone who would tell him differently. He finally got a hold of someone, I’m not sure who, I think maybe her Dad, and I came back in to him yelling. Then he threw his phone and started to cry and say it was all his fault.”

“So he’s taking it as to be expected?”

“Well. Kind of. Then he just… Stopped. I left for a minute, I didn’t want him to see me lose it and feel even worse, so I told him I was going to get us breakfast. But he was just so calm when I left. It scares me a little.”

“He may go through spurts of that. I know when my Dad died…” She trailed off. I held my breath, Toni didn’t get emotional, and talking about her Dad was a very private thing for her.

I heard her puff out some air. “When Dad died, I would go from being hysterical to numb. One second it was the saddest I had ever felt, and then I was just blank. I don’t know if maybe it was my mind protecting myself, or what. But I had these moments where I just… Couldn’t wrap my head around it, you know? I was so used to him being around, he was sick, but still around, that it was like I forgot that he was gone. And when I remembered, it just seemed so odd to me, that I just didn’t believe it. He wasn’t dead, just back in the hospital. Then I’d go to Mom’s, see her sad, and it would really hit me, and the cycle started all over again.”

“I just don’t know what to do.”

“I told you, Ella. You can’t do anything but be there for him. Don’t push, don’t pry, don’t nag, don’t hover. Just let him know, when he wants you, when he needs you, for whatever, you’re there.”

“Alright.” I answered. I was pulling up to the McDonalds and got off the phone with Toni, thanking her for talking to me.

I told her that she made me feel better. I lied.

Whatever Wednesday: Write what you know

This was really hard for me to write, and sitting at the end of it all, I am crying. I know some people avoid sad things, or at least want a warning to avoid them while at work. I don't know if it'll make you cry, it wasn't my intentions to try to do that. But I did feel like this was something I needed to talk about, and since it's my Whatever Wednesday, I'm deciding to do so. Be forewarned though, it's a little bit of a downer.

I've been through a lot of death. I'm not saying this to get anyone to feel sorry for me, or anything like that, I'm just saying it because, well. It's a fact. My first funeral was when I was five years old (two weeks shy of turning six.) My Dad and I had been riding home from his work. He had been having chest pains at work, so badly that they had called the squad (he had already had one or two heart attacks before this one.) He refused to ride with them (I don't really remember why. I think it had something to do with insurance, or not wanting to pay extra for a squad? I was so young though, I might have made this up.). On the way home (or now that I look back, it's possibly he was also trying to drive himself to a hospital), he had a heart attack. Luckily he managed to pull over to the side of the road before he passed out, so we didn't get into an accident. Even more luckily, some kind stranger who drove a tow truck pulled over to help. They ended up giving my Dad CPR, and calling for help. My Dad didn't make it. I still to this day, however, count my blessings at the fact that something worse hadn't happened to me. I could have gotten out of the car, wandered off, got lost, got hit by another car. Someone not so nice could have pulled over and taken advantage of me and my situation. Maybe no one would have pulled over at all, and who knows how long it would have been before they sent someone to help. Now a days it might not be too bad, because it seems like everyone (even five year olds) carry and know how to use a cell phone. But this was 1991. I'm not even sure Zach Morris has his cell phone yet.
Death is hard. I don't think I have to say that. Even if someone's been sick a long time, and you know it's coming, it's still hard. It's hard for the people around you too, trying to figure out what the right thing to say it. I always feel like such a tool when I know someone has had a death in their life, because I never know what to say. Nothing seems good enough, and that's because nothing really IS good enough. It just hurts, and nothing you can say or do really can ease that hurt. But, you still don't want to look like a jackass who doesn't care, and not say anything at all. I try to stick with "I'm sorry that happened." Because, really, I am. I'm sorry anyone has to die. I know it's a necessary part of life, I know it's going to happen to everyone at some point, but I'm still sorry it has to happen. I know everyone experiences death differently. My Dad died when I was five. My best friends Dad (who's also my cousin, so it was my Uncle) died when she was 14 and I was 13. You'd think I'd know what to say, but I still didn't. I tried to figure out which way was better: She had more time to get to know her Dad, more memories to remember. But still, didn't that mean she had to miss him more? I had spent the majority of life by then without my Dad. Since I couldn't remember, did that mean it hurt more, or less? It took me a long time to realize it meant neither. I just hurt differently than she did. And someone who lost their Dad at the same age I was would still hurt differently. We're all different people, even going through the same exact situation, we're going to experience things differently.

The reason I'm writing this isn't because I've had a death in the family. Just that I know suicide can be a touchy subject, and I wanted to talk about it, since Michelle in the story commits suicide. For some people, when they hear about it, they become very angry. Some people very sad. Suicides are another thing I've experienced a lot of. My best friends Dad (my Uncle) killed himself. Our highschool had a suicide every year, and for some people maybe that doesn't seem like a lot, but considering we had about 100 people to a grade, it was. You knew everyone by name, so when someone killed themselves, we were all affected.

The thing about death is... It leaves you with a lot of questions. I've never really experienced someone dying slowly, besides my Grandma and Pawpaw, and I think I was too young to really know that they were dying, even though I knew about death, since they both died after my Father, to me they just... Were gone one day. Even before they died, they were gone, my Grandma was so senile she couldn't speak and my Pawpaw had been struck down by so many strokes I wondered if he even knew who we were.I would think the only benefit to knowing someone was going to die, would be that you could at least attempt to say everything you've never gotten to say to them. But, I couldn't imagine having to day by day lose a piece of someone I love. Suicide and sudden death though... Well. You just wonder things. With my father I was angry for awhile. Why didn't he take the ambulance? Would it have saved him if he did? Would he still be around? But then, as I grew older, I learned things about my father. While the few memories I have of him are mainly good ones: Building a snowman, playing Goldie Locks and the three bears, riding on his shoulder, making my Mom homemade Mother's day presents... I do have a few where he's angry. Yelling. I was my Dad's favorite, even my Mom will admit this. I don't remember him laying a hand on me, and maybe he didn't. But I do know now that he had an anger problem. Now that I look back, maybe it was best that he died. I know that sounds horrible, but his dying could have possibly saved us from years of abuse.

Suicide makes people react very differently. Some people get overwhelmingly angry, other's, overwhelmingly sad. My Uncle's death made me very sad. He was an alcoholic, and while I had once known him as a strong family man, a provider and hard worker, his alcoholism had gotten him fired from his bank job. There were a couple periods where it would be bad for my Uncle, and then he'd get back on track, only to mess up again. It was hard when he died. I was so angry, why weren't we enough? And so sad. Did he know how much I loved him? How much I needed him around? How much I appreciated him? Or did he die thinking nobody cared? Because I cared, so so much.

There were other suicides. People I didn't know so well, but still, a shocker. My sisters friends, a kid in my grade. At first I couldn't understand how someone could do that. And slowly my life started slipping away from me, and I realized just how sad you can feel, just how hopeless. I had a couple of my own suicide attempts. A few no one knew about, but one night when I was 17, there were no maybes, I wanted to die. I took a bunch of pills, and laid down to be done with it. Then I started thinking about my family, my little cousin who had just gotten through his Dad's death and was still so terrified of death himself. I still wanted to die, but I couldn't do that to everyone else.

The thing about suicide is, it's a very selfish thing. There IS no denying it. But, until you've been there, you really can't know just HOW hopeless the situation feels like. Just HOW sad a person can be. You know you're sad, you know something isn't right, but you don't know how to ask for help, you don't know how to get out of it yourself, and every task just seems like so much that really, everyone would be better off if you were gone. Again, I know that sounds horrible, and to a person who hasn't been there, again, it sounds incredibly selfish. And, again, it is. But I really maintain that if you haven't been there? You just don't know. While I'm angry at my Uncle for letting his alcoholism get the better of him, I'm not an alcoholic. I don't know the pull of alcohol, of that level of addiction. I can't judge him, because I don't know.

I try to write what I know. I don't really feel like I'm that good at just making up stuff, and a lot of times if I make it up, I forget that it happened, and later on in the story, I end up having conflicting storylines. Michelle's suicide was modeled after my sister's boyfriend's death. Gus was a good guy, but like my Dad, he had an anger problem, and like my Uncle, he had a drug problem. Gus' drug of choice wasn't really alcohol, though he did drink it, but coke, meth, ect. It's hard to say you care about someone like that, because to everyone else they're the scum of the earth. It's true that I didn't really want him around my sister. They fought (they both had some anger issues) and being around him made my sister slip back into some of her own drug habits. Underneath it all though, Gus was a good guy. And I knew he loved my sister. And I loved him like a brother. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT trying to say that my sister should have stayed with him just because I knew underneath it all he loved her. I WAS relieved when they broke up. I still always thought though that Gus would get his act together. I thought he'd get off the drugs, and that that alone could make him the person I knew he could be. I did miss him after they broke up, and I when I heard he went into rehab, I was so relieved, thinking it was only a matter of time before my sister called and said that yes, he got his act together, and yes they were back together. I pictured her married to him, them having dark haired babies. I know I probably sound naive, and I was. I SHOULD have known better, dealing with as many alcoholics that I have, that breaking an addition is a battle, one that most succumb too. I just... I loved Gus. And when you love someone, you tend to gloss over their faults.

The actual call I got from my sister was that they had found Gus' body. He had hung himself down by the river. A stranger found his body. To this day, when I think about him, I swear I feel his loneliness. And that makes my heart hurt so badly. With my Uncle, he went to a hotel room to do it. That doesn't feel so lonely, it's like we just knew he wanted to go someplace where he knew his kids wouldn't be the ones to find him. With Gus it just felt like he had no where else to go. I just wish... I dunno. It's almost like I know he died thinking no one loved him. At least with other people, like my Uncle... I think he died knowing that we loved him so much and he wanted to save us from having to deal with his alcoholism. Like he didn't want to put us through that. I just wish I could have seen him one last time. To tell him, yeah, you're like a brother to me. You'll always be like a brother to me, despite your problems, despite not being with my sister.

My sister had a hard time with it as well. Understandably, she felt guilty. And, she was in the same boat with me. We were both expecting them to get back together.

I'm sorry. I know this post was probably a huge downer to most of you. But, a.) I felt like people should know about Gus. A very important lesson I was taught by death was that you HAVE to tell people how you feel WHEN you feel it. You may regret something you said later, telling a boy you loved him and finding out he doesn't love you back, or it may even be a little embarassing. But you WILL regret it, no ifs ands or buts about it, if you don't say anything at all. I also know how death and suicide affects different people differently. I just want you to know, this is my version, this is how I see it. You may see it differently. That's OK.

I also have to give my little spiel on suicide, that I try to tell all the kids I worked with, and my friends and such... I've been in a place where it feels so hopeless and never ending... I can't tell anyone I've been through exactly what they've been through, that would be impossible. But I have been to my own dark place. Had I actually gone through with committing suicide when I was 17, there would be so much I wouldn't have. My husband, my son... I wouldn't see my sister engaged (which, by the way, she is engaged now, just happened last week! So there's a little bit of happiness in all of this.) I wouldn't know what it's like to feel happy. It's worth it, and now that I'm here, I'd go back and do it all again, if I ended up back here, because it's just so worth it. You may not know it now, may not feel it. Hold on, because you will get there. The key to being happy, is that you've just got to decide to be happy. It sounds so easy, and in some ways it is, but in other ways, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do.

To steal a quote from another song "What do people really want? They want to be happy." And if you fight for it, you'll get it. And trust me, it is so worth that fight.

As for everyone I've lost... I'm sorry I didn't try harder. And I miss you all, every single day.
"Oh why? There's no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain?
But I do have one burning question
Who told you life
Wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlkV-MNl0qY

I want you to want me

The short work week went by a little faster, helped by the fact that we were so busy. We had a short staff meeting on Tuesday, where job’s for Friday’s dinner were assigned. I was assigned a new task, along with Matt. Each year we voted on how we were going to celebrate the holidays. The agency allotted a certain amount of money per person, and we decided if we wanted bonuses, a party, ect. This year, with the economy being so tight, we decided to adopt a family in our neighborhood and use that money to buy them groceries and gifts for the kids. Mama Rivers had asked in staff meeting if anyone wanted to go shopping early on Friday, trying to snag some good deals to try to stretch our money. As soon as she said that whoever went that morning got to skip the Thanksgiving dinner, my hand flew up. And Matt’s followed.

It’s not that I didn’t like Thanksgiving meal we provided, I knew it helped out a lot of people, but I always got stuck with the crappy jobs. If I could do something else and skip it all together, well. That would work for me. I would also get to spend some more time with Drew. Even though he had volunteered to come help out as well with the dinner on Friday, this way he could just go shopping with Matt and I. Hell, maybe we could split up and get the job done faster.

When the meeting was over, Matt and I grabbed two leftover lunches from the kitchen, and headed upstairs to spend our lunch break pouring over black Friday ads.

“So.” I asked, munching down on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “Any new developments with Kellie?”

Matt sighed, booting up the computer so we could search online.

“She wants me to come home for Thanksgiving. She says we can talk. I told her that talking won’t help, that I’m really done, and she agrees with me, says she just wants to work on being friends. She says I’ve been such a big part of her life for so long, she can’t her life without me in it in some way, shape, or form. When I told her about the dinner, she offered to come up here. That’s like, huge for her.” He said, running a hand through his hair. “She’s obsessed with her family, never spent a holiday away from them, so. It’s a pretty big deal.”

“Are you going to let her?” I asked. I suddenly felt jealous and angry. It didn’t make any sense, but I didn’t want to have to welcome Kellie into my parent’s home for Thanksgiving, yet if she did come, it’s not like I could uninvited Matt, or just invite him.

“I mean I told her it was dumb to drive all the way up here for one day. Then she said she’d stay the next day to help with the dinner. She basically told me that no was not an option. What am I supposed to do?”

I shrugged, trying to hide my irritation. I tried to calm myself down, to tell myself that it was good for Matt to have someone to entertain him at Mom and Dad’s, and we would have a fourth person to help us shop. Still, my feathers were ruffled, and I couldn’t figure out why. It’s not like I thought Kellie was a bad person, or that she needed to stay away from Matt for his own good. I didn’t really know her, hadn’t even met her. Then I realized, the only reason for me to be upset was because I was jealous. Which was stupid! I had Drew, Matt wasn’t even dating Kellie anymore, and even if he was going to get back together with her, so what? I didn’t need every guy in my life to want me like that. If anything, it would be a lot easier on me if they didn’t.

“I mean we’ll skip your parents, Ella. I don’t want to invite myself and a guest somewhere.” He said, a worried look on his face.

“No, no. Matt it’s fine.” I said, smiling. Relief washed over his face. “We always have WAY too much food, and my parents already know that I invited the whole office, so trust me, they’ll make room. But just… Be careful with Kellie, OK?”

“What do you mean?” He asked, turning back to the computer to look through Toys R Us’ ad.

“I just mean, as a girl who has dated a few of her guy friends… It’s really hard, if not impossible to go back to friends mode. I mean, maybe after some time has passed, but this quickly? No. I think Kellie might be trying to show you that she’s willing to compromise, to leave her family and come be with you. And if that’s the only reason you two broke up, then great! But, if you’re really done with her in a girlfriend way? Just be careful. She’ll start to take any sign of friendship as flirting and then get back on this ‘we’re going to get back together’ kick, and it could blow up in your face.”

“So you don’t think you can go back to being friends with a person after you’ve dated them?” He asked, turning to look at me. I suddenly felt nervous under his intense eyes.

“It depends. If you honestly mutually decide to break up, then yeah, you could stay friends. But if not? One person is always wanting the other person back. So it’s hard, and it takes time.”

“And you’re willing to do that to your friendship with Drew?”

“Yup.” I answered.

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?” I asked, laughing a little.

“I mean, from what you’re saying, if you break up, if it’s not mutual, you lose him all together. Why would you risk that?”

“Because. I don’t ever see myself breaking up with Drew.” I said, simply.

I was surprised at the look of anger that flashed across Matt’s face. But, as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared, and Matt flicked his intense eyes back to the computer screen. However, for the rest of the time up in the computer room, Matt didn’t say anything to me. When lunch was over, he handed me a list of deals he had written down, and walked out.

I was glad that Matt had brought his car back with him after his trip to Indiana, it saved us a very awkward ride home together. I decided to skip going straight home, and instead stop by the grocery store to pick up a few things to make for Thanksgiving. Even though my Mom had told me it was all taken care of, I knew anything extra would be eaten, and I felt in a festive mood. Being festive was often rare for me. I spent so much time at the agency, decorating for one holiday or another, doing holiday craft’s with the kids, doing holiday parties… By the end of it all, I was so over it. After putting up and decorating the six trees we kept at the agency for Christmas, I didn’t want to rush home and put mine up. After cooking food for hundreds of people, I didn’t want to make a side dish for twenty more. So when I did get in the mood to do something festive, I jumped on it. Maybe this year I would actually get my own house decorated for a change!

I came home to an empty house. Matt wasn’t there, but it was obvious he had been at some point because Cumulus had been fed and let out. Still, there was no note, showing that I wasn’t paranoid, that he was mad at me, because Matt always let me know where he was. I sighed, setting down the groceries and throwing Cumulus a treat. Then I rolled up my sleeves, and started to work.

A few hours later, the house smelled fantastic, and I was covered in flour. I felt good, and even went as far as to cook a few extra’s to take into work the next day. I had forgotten about Matt, and was startled when he walked in the door with a strange blonde woman.

FB: Cuz your eyes told the tale of an act of betrayal

“What?” I asked, not sure I had heard him right.

“Dead. Ella. Mom said she just got a call from Michelle’s roommate who… Found her.” His voice cracked again. However, the rest of his voice was strangely devoid of emotion. He had gone from panicked to nothing in a second, and that caused me to panic even more.

He stopped searching for his clothes and sat down on the bed, his chin in his hand.

“Jacob?” I asked, after a few moments of silence. I reached over and touched his shoulder lightly, to which he jumped.

“My phone.” He said, standing, searching the bed frantically. “Where is it?”

He had thrown it on the bed when he had jumped up to find his clothes. He was throwing the blankets around so violently that if his phone had been right on top of the covers, it now could have been across the room.

“Jacob. Calm down, I’ll find it.” I said, easing my hands over the comforter until I found the bump of a cell phone. I handed it to him. “Who are you calling?”

“Michelle.”

“Jacob…” I said carefully.

“No, Ella. I know her. I know her mind games. This is just some sick trick to get me to call her and find out she’s OK. She figures I’ll be so relieved when I find out that she’s not dead, that I won’t be angry at her anymore.” He was searching through his contacts for her. “She’s got another thing coming. I told her I was done with her stupid head games, I’m going to tell her off.”

He sounded so angry, so crazy… I didn’t know what to say. I listened in silence, and heard the phone ring. It sounded so loud and lonely coming from the receiver, it frightened me a little. I was actually hoping Michelle would pick up. This would all be so much easier if she did.

But, she didn’t. Her voicemail clicked on, and Jacob hung up, hit redial. Again, loud, long, lonely rings. Over and over, he would hang up and try again. Finally, with a frustrated growl, he punched in another number.

“Who are you calling now?” I asked, my voice small. I was partly afraid he was strike out at me.

“Her roommate. Michelle put her up to this. Her roommate is such a kiss ass to Michelle. But I’ll make her tell me the truth.”

More rings, another voicemail. Jacob left a hurried simple message. Call me back. Now. And hung up. More numbers were dialed, however, no one was answering their phones.

“See? I knew it. It’s all a game. Michelle probably told them that if they didn’t want to lie to me than just not to talk to me. She’s such a bitch.” It was like he was trying to convince himself. Although, it obviously wasn’t working, because he still picked up the phone, still dialed numbers, desperately searching to talk to someone who would tell him what he wanted to hear.

“I’m going to go get dressed.” I said, grabbing some clothes and heading for the bathroom. If he hadn’t grunted at me, I wouldn’t have known that he even registered that I had said anything at all.

Once in the bathroom, I shut the door, locked it, and dialed Jacob’s mother.

“How’s he doing?” She sniffed as an answer. She was crying. She obviously believed it.

“He’s telling me this is all one of Michelle’s games. That’s she’s trying to make him panic and want her back. He’s calling everyone back home, trying to find someone who will tell him something.”

“Oh Lord.” She sighed.

“Is… Is that a possibility?” I asked, hopeful. While Michelle being alive would cause a lot of drama, I still would rather that over her being dead.

“No, Ella. It’s not. I just got off the phone with her…. Father.” She spit out the word like it tasted bad. “He was very matter of fact about the whole thing.”

“What happened?” I asked, not really sure I wanted to know, but knowing for Jacob’s sake, I should.

She swallowed loudly, and spoke with a shaking voice: “According to Lucy, that’s her roommate, Michelle’s been pretty withdrawn since she got back. Lucy said she knew Michelle was upset about it, but wasn’t really worried about it yet. We all knew Michelle was in love with Jacob, so she figured it was just like a breakup. Michelle would mope for a little while, get over it, and go back to being… Michelle.” She paused for a moment, and when she spoke again, I could hear the tears in her voice. “Lucy just kept apologizing. Over and over. She said she should have known something was up… But I should have known too. Michelle came over here… And she just looked so, lost. I told her she should call Jake. I told her that he missed her too, but she just shook her head and told me she had other plans.” Sandy laughed a weird little laugh at this, a mix of a laugh and a sob. “She looked almost… Happy when she said that. I figured, maybe she’s planning on going to school. Or maybe she had met someone else. I just didn’t see it.”

“Oh Sandy…” I said, my heart breaking for the woman. “It’s not your fault.”

“But it is, in a way. I mean, I did love the girl. She made it difficult to do so, but she’s been such a huge part of Jacob’s life… How could I not love her? And I didn’t even tell her. I just let her walk away. Told her not to be a stranger, and thought about how weird it was that someone could look so lost and sad, but relieved at the same time.”

We were both quiet for a moment. Then Sandy spoke again, her voice clearer and matter-of-fact.

“Lucy had school today. She said Michelle was supposed to work, but I guess she didn’t. After class Lucy went to her parents to do some laundry, then to the library to study. When she came home, it was dark. The apartment was dark. She figured Michelle went out or something. Said she was relieved, thought Michelle might be pulling out of her funk over Jacob. She made dinner, and watched TV, she kept waiting for Michelle to come home, but she didn’t. She texted her, told her she was hoping she had fun… Then about midnight, she went to lay out her clothes for tomorrow. Said she had an early meeting and wanted to make sure she wasn’t late. She remembered Michelle said she could borrow something, so she went into her room to look. That’s when she saw Michelle on the bed. She thought…” Her voice cracked, and she sounded like a female version of Jacob, which, I guess she was. “She thought Michelle was just sleeping. She tried to wake her up, but when she couldn’t… That’s when she called nine-one-one. They searched the apartment and found the empty pill bottles. She had pretty much taken every pill they had in the apartment. They said they were scattered around the apartment. One empty bottle in the kitchen, two empty bottles in the bathroom... Lucy didn't even notice, who would?”

We were both quiet again. I could almost still hear Jacob dialing in the next room. The loud ringing of the phone. I knew it had to be in my head, he was down the hall with the TV on. But still, I heard that endless ringing. A question waiting to be answered.

“Are they sure it was a….” I trailed off, not able to say the words.

“They can’t say for sure yet.” Sandy answered, sniffing. “They found a note. The police did. Lucy wasn’t allowed to read it, they just let her glance at it so she could confirm that it was Michelle’s handwriting. But I mean… Really, what else could it be?”

She was right. It was unlikely that Michelle had been murdered. “Maybe it was an accident?” I asked, sounding too hopeful and too naïve.

A bitter, choked laugh came out of Sandy’s mouth. “Lucy said they found at least six different empty pill bottles. She doesn’t know if they found more, but she said they were scattered around the apartment, like... Like if they found her before it was over, they'd have a harder time finding the bottles and knowing what she took. That's not an accident.”

We wrapped up the conversation. She made me promise to make Jacob wait until morning to come home. There was nothing he could do right now, and she didn’t want him to be driving at night, tired and upset. I promised her that I would at least make him wait until morning, or even try to get the day off to drive him down there myself. I almost hoped that I couldn’t get the day off. I know it sounds selfish, I did want to be there for Jacob, but I felt so uncomfortable going, so out of place, so guilty for being there. Besides, Michelle had wanted Jacob all to himself, and I just felt like maybe, right now, I should at least give her that. I wanted to check on Jacob first, and then make a couple of phone calls. I thought maybe Drew should know, and maybe if I couldn’t get more time off work, that he could come get Jacob.

I walked back into the bedroom, and was surprised to see that Jacob had finally gotten a hold of someone.

“You’re a fucking liar!” He yelled. I stepped back, feeling like I was intruding. “This is all your fault, you hear me? You did this to her, you broke her, and I will kill you!” He shouted. “KILL YOU, do you HEAR me?” He looked at his phone, realizing that whoever he was talking too hung up. “FUCK!” He yelled, throwing his phone against the wall. It smashed into pieces. And then, so did Jacob.

He slid to the floor, his head buried in his hands, his body shaking. I went to him just as Jarren and Sammy cautiously poked their heads into the room. As I wrapped my arms around his massive shoulders, I looked at them and just shook my head. The backed out of the room.

“Jacob, it’s OK.”

“No.” He sobbed. “It’s all my fault, and she’s gone.”

Sorry

I know I said I'd post this weekend, and I really meant too, but then the weekend just kinda got away from us. Friday was SUPPOSED to be my date night with my husband. My in laws called and pretty much demanded we come over that night, because they had bought my son something, and they couldn't lift it out of their trunk. I find it really odd that they went from being totally broke and saying they had to skip Christmas, to buying him something so big they couldn't get it out of their trunk. So we go over there and it turns out to be a freaking train table.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. But I'm just kinda pissed off. For one, they called us Thursday and told us that they would be able to get him something and asked what we wanted for him. Well, we already bought him everything we wanted to get (with the exception of this dinosaur thing, but it's 130 dollars, and I wasn't going to spend that much on him, let alone ask someone else too.) So I went online and spent time finding gifts I thought he'd like that weren't too expensive (they were all 25 dollars or under.) I don't know why they even bothered to ask, because they didn't get him anything on the list. Yet, they spent 130 freaking dollars on this train table. He'll LOVE it when he's older, but right now? He has no idea what it is. And my Mother in law is all "I hope he doesn't throw the trains" and I'm just like... Are you kidding me? He throws EVERYTHING. That's how he sets things down. He's a year old! And then the train table says on the box that it's for ages 3 and up or maybe even four and up, and I know, a lot of toys say that, but it's like, any kid can play with it, but it's just, there are a lot of small pieces and it's just a choking hazard. Then there's the fact that it's huge, and they know we have NO room at our house, so it's staying at theres... And that's dumb, because we're NEVER over there...

Again, I know I sound selfish and ungrateful, being as how I was just on here complaining about how they weren't going to get him anything, but I just feel like, they don't think about what HE would want, what HE would like. He's at my Mom's house at LEAST once a week, if not more, and she still send the majority of his toys and stuff home with us so he can play with it. But it's like, everything my Mother in law gets for him, she wants to keep there. And we've been there MAYBE 10 times since he's been born. That's less than once a month. What's the point? I just feel like she buys these big huge things to give off the appearance that he's there all the time... Like she bought a super expensive highchair that he never uses, she wanted to buy a crib for him, and he'll NEVER spend the night there. It's just SUCH a waste.

Then there's the fact that my Father in law is going to die. And I'm so angry and I want to say something but my husband keeps telling me not too, and that it's his life, and yada yada yada. They're looking at this heart stent surgery like it's a cure all. I mean the artery they're putting the stent in? is 60% blocked. The rest of them are 80-100% blocked. It's not good. And he's still eating hamburgers and cheesy bacon fries and just complete and utter crap. So we go over there to get this stupid train table out of their house and take it inside, and my Father in law (who didn't help move it. I'm not complaining about that, he shouldn't be lifting, but I just wanted you guys to know he didn't do any lifting or really any activity) is standing at the backdoor, just standing there, and you can hear him gasping for breath. And my mother in law? Suggest we go out to dinner at CiCi's.

So we go out to dinner. And my in laws know people EVERYWHERE, they make friends with restaurant managers and waitresses and stuff (it's probably how they don't end up getting spit in their food. Seriously? Worst people ever to eat out with. They are SO fucking picky.) Anyway, so the manager comes over to talk. My mother in law introduces Jeremy and I, and then says "Cayden, our grandson, is at the baby-sitters."

It's so stupid, but it pissed me off. She KNEW he was with my Mom. Why the hell did she call my Mom the babysitter? Why not "Cayden's with his other Grandma"?

Ugh. So we had to deal with that Friday night, Saturday we ran errands all day long (got a zhu zhu pet. We stood in line at toys r us to get one for friends, now they don't want them and I don't want them. I keep going back and forth between whether or not I want to keep it. Cayden really liked it in the store, but we didn't take it out of the box. However, my Mom already got him one, so is there a point to keeping two? I should just ebay the bad boy.) And today we had to go back to the inlaws to put together the stupid train table.

So, long story short, I just plain forgot about updating this weekend. But, tomorrow, I'll lead off with a flashback post to make it up to you guys, OK?

FB: Tow Boats leavin cuz it don't care, what's not on board and who's not there...

Jacob and I didn’t have as much time together in my hometown as we did at his. He was only staying a couple of days, and most of those I would have to go back to work for. Luckily, since I worked for a non-profit, we were always desperate for volunteers, so I had been able to arrange it so that Jacob could come with me to work, under the guise of volunteering.

The days I had off, I took him to my favorite haunts. We went to the zoo, and to COSI, got coffee at Stauf’s, ate ice cream at Jeni’s, visited my favorite local restaurants. We ran together in the morning at Antrim park. The only thing we didn’t do was spend a lot of time at the apartment.

Jarren was at the apartment, and when Jacob was around, all she did was annoy me. She flirted with him, asked him constantly if he had any marine friends to hook her up with, even though she finally had a boyfriend. She just pestered the crap out of both of us. She didn’t know how to take a hint, I’d be trying to spend some alone time with Jacob, and she’d bust into my room, and wouldn’t leave. So after the first day, we spent as much time as we could out of the apartment.

I also took Jacob to meet my parents. We had lunch together, and I was glad to see they got along with him. The only boyfriend I had ever had that my parent’s hadn’t liked was Chris. I didn’t feel like I needed to seek out my parents approval of who I dated, but it did make things a lot easier if they liked my boyfriend.

The night before I returned to work Jacob and I decided to do something relaxing, and so we decided to go see a movie. It was a later showing, and I was worried about being up too late and having to get up early, but I decided just let it go. If I got too tired, I could always fall asleep in the movie, and if I was a little tired in the morning, so what? I’d just make it a free day for the kids and take it easy.

In the middle of the movie, I went to use the bathroom. While in the stall, I checked my messaged. I had eighteen missed calls from Jarren, and five texts. I stood out in the lobby and dialed her number.

“Jarren? What’s going on?” I asked when I heard her answer.

“Ohmigodthankyou where were you? I need you to come get me. Like, now.”

“Where are you?” I asked. “What’s going on?”

“I’m at a motel on the Southside. With Sammy. I need you to come get us.” Sammy was Jarren’s cousin. She was a sweet girl, quiet, and she let Jarren run all over her.

“What’s going on?”

“I met this guy online, and I thought he’d be perfect for Sammy, but you can’t meet guys alone, you know that’s dangerous, so I went with Sammy to meet him. He was nice enough but he was flirting with Sammy and I asked him why and he got all mad and left.”

Her story made no sense. But, I knew Jarren. What had probably happened was that SHE met the guy online for herself, took Sammy with her to meet him, he flirted with Sammy instead of her, and Jarren probably got angry.

“Why can’t Eric pick you up?” Eric was Jarren’s new boyfriend.

“He just… Can’t. OK, can you come get me or not? I’m afraid this guys gonna come back and go crazy again.”

“Whatever. I’m like fifteen minutes away. Is there somewhere nearby you can walk too and wait for me? Someplace safer?”

“Yeah, there’s a Waffle House right in front of us. We’re at the Budget Inn on South High.”

“Fine. Go there. I’ll come get you.”

I pulled Jacob out of the theatre and half explained what was going on. He didn’t need to know the full story, just that Jarren was stranded and needed a ride. I was mad about wasting the money to only watch half the movie, and I was even more pissed off when I got to the Waffle House and found out that Jarren had ordered food, but “forgot” her purse in Eric’s car and needed to “borrow” the money to cover the check.

We brought both Jarren and Sammy back to our place, where Jarren immediately got online, and Sammy crashed, looking bored, onto the sofa. Jacob followed me into my room.

“You’re a good friend, Ella. But that chick, she walks all over you.”

“Sometimes.” I admitted. “Jarren and I have been friends for awhile. She’s been there for me through a lot. She’s having a rough time right now. She’s fighting with her Dad and sister, her Mom is sick, and is having a lot of family drama in general… She’s raised her nieces from birth and now her sister wants them back. So it’s a huge custody battle and Jarren feels like she might lose her little sisters.” I shrugged. “I can handle her being a little… Selfish.”

Jacob shrugged. “You should text Mom about that book we found today. See if she wants me to pick it up for her. I’m gonna grab something to eat, you want something?”

“Sure, grab me a snack.” I answered. I reached for my phone to text Sandy about an Elvis impersonation kit-book we found at half priced books. She was a huge Elvis fan and we thought she’d get a kick out of it. However, when I grabbed my phone, I realized that it was dead. I had forgotten to charge it the night before. I plugged mine in, and saw Jacob’s phone laying on the table. I grabbed it, planning on texting his Mom from his phone.

When I entered his inbox though, I couldn’t help but look through his texts. I knew I shouldn’t have, it was an invasion of privacy, and it’s not like I didn’t trust Jacob. I was just… Curious, was all. The only texts he had in his inbox were from earlier in the day, from his Mom. The conversation went something like this:

Mom: Saw M. today.
Jacob: What’d she want?
M: She looked horrible Jake. You should rly call her.
J: Did she apologize? Did she ask you to tell me to call?
M: No. She just looked… Alone. She dropped off some of yr stuff.
J: Then drop it Mom.

“Did you text Mom?” Jacob asked, startling me.

“…No. My phone’s dead. Can I use yours?” I asked, trying to play it off, hoping he didn’t catch me snooping.

“Sure.” He said, shrugging.

I texted his Mom, and then snuggled down next to him. Jacob had made popcorn, which we ate while watching old sitcom reruns on Nick at Night. I’m not sure when we drifted off to sleep, I just know a little while later, I woke to Jacob’s phone ringing, the TV still on.

“Hello?” He answered, groggily. “What?” He asked, sounding confused. “I don’t understand. No. No Mom. Mom… Are you sure? Are you really sure?” Panic was filling his voice, which made panic creep up in the back of my throat. Middle of the night phone calls were never a good thing.

“Mom. I’m coming home. Yes, right now. I’ll call you. Bye.” He said, jumping up out of bed.

“Jake, what’s going on?”

“It’s Michelle.” He said, searching the floor for his pants.

“What about her?” I asked, propping myself up.

“Mom says…” His voice cracked. By the light of the TV I could see his eyes were wet.

“What?”

“Mom says she’s dead.”