FB: Let me be empty, oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight

Normally I’m not a fan of guys crying. I know it’s stereotypical and wrong, but it often annoyed me, as if I saw them as being weak. However, Jacob crying didn’t annoy me. It broke my heart.

I tried my best to soothe him, wrapping my arms around him, rubbing his head and back. He finally stopped, though I don’t think I was the reason. However, him stopping was worse than him crying. It was like he was stone. One second he was sobbing in my arms, the next, he was standing up, wiping away tears.

“I need to go home.” He said, his voice firm.

“Your mom wants you to wait until the morning. I was going to try to call off and take you.”

“No.” He said. I was a little hurt by his firm tone. He saw my face and softened a little. “You’ve taken enough time off. I’m a big boy, I can drive myself.”

“Jake… You’re really upset. I would feel a lot better if you waited till morning. I mean I could at least see if I could take one more day off and drop you off… Or at least let me call Drew or Jason and see if they could come give you a ride.”

To my surprise, he nodded. “You can call Drew or Jason, but Ella. You need to go to work.”

He was being sensible and calm. That scared me. I nodded, and decided to call Jason. First of all, Jacob knew Jason better, I figured he would be more comfortable with Jason. Secondly, Drew had a bit of a relationship with Michelle. It may have only been one date, but I didn’t know if they had continued to talk. I didn’t know how upset Drew himself would be.

I wasn’t surprised when it was Kayla who answered the phone.

“Hi, Kayla. It’s Ella. Can I talk to Jason?”

She was quiet for a moment. “He’s asleep. I’ll have him call you when he wakes up.” She said, her own voice sounded fuzzy with sleep, but I also heard an edge. I knew she probably wondered why I was calling her boyfriend in the middle of the night.

“Kayla, I need to talk to him now.”

“Ella. He’s sleeping…” She said, her voice a little harsher.

“Michelle’s dead, Kayla. I wanted to see if he could come get Jacob and take him home. I don’t think I can get off work.”

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.” She said quickly. “Jas, get up!” I heard her say.
Jason got on the phone, and I explained the situation to him. Kayla said she would drive Jason here, and then Jason could drive Jacob home in his own car.

After I got off the phone with Jason, I realized I was shaking. I was so tense, I needed to let loose, but I was afraid of doing that in front of Jacob.

“I’m going to run and get some food. Coffee. Something. I know you may not feel like it, but you need to eat.” I said. I was afraid to leave him, but I figured I could ask Jarren to baby-sit.

Jarren agreed to keep an eye on him. Normally I’d be concerned with Jarren being irresponsible, and slipping, but I knew Jacob had freaked her out with the phone throwing stunt. I took everyone’s breakfast orders, forcing Jacob to eat something. When I left Jarren was sitting on the sofa next to Sammy, watching Jacob like a hawk.

As soon as the door on the apartment shut, I started to cry. I felt stupid, and hoped no one would see me, but I couldn’t help it. I felt so… Guilty. The last look I had seen on Michelle’s face had been one of extreme hurt and sadness, and that flashed repeatedly through my head. I was so sorry it had to end like this. It made me feel even worse to know that if I felt this bad? Jacob felt even worse.

I picked up the phone, sniffling, to call the only person I could think of to call. Toni.

Surprisingly, when she answered, she sounded wide awake.

“I know why I’m awake. Why are you?” She asked. I heard the TV on in the background.

“I’ll tell you, but first you tell me.”

“Pregnancy insomnia. What’s wrong? You sound like you’ve been crying.”

I burst out into a fresh set of tears. I relayed the Michelle story, yet again.

“Oh honey.” Toni said. “That’s horrible.”

“I know. And I feel horrible. Sandy keeps saying it’s all her fault, and Jacob keeps saying it’s all his fault. But really? It’s all my fault. Had I never come around? Michelle would still be here.”

“Oh c’mon now Ella. You know that’s not right.”

“It IS right. Because Jacob met me, Michelle made him choose.”

“Ella. If Michelle was already so fragile that all it took was her losing Jacob to make her do this? Then it was going to happen sooner or later.”

“Maybe not. Maybe eventually Jacob would have given in, and married her, and everything would be OK.” I sniffed.

“I’m sorry, but now you just sound dumb. If you’re that depressed that dying seems like the only answer? Then a man isn’t going to fix things.”

“But she loved him. And I took him away!” I said, crying even harder.

“First of all, you weren’t the one who took him away. You were willing to have her in your lives. She wasn’t willing to be in yours. She made that choice. And she made the choice not to even bother to ask for forgiveness. Secondly, she did love him. So what? You loved Jason. Jason rejected you. You’re still living.” She sighed, deeply. “Look, Ella. I didn’t know the girl that well. I am sorry she died. I’m sorry that anyone feels that hopeless and that lonely. I know both you and Jacob have to be feeling incredibly guilty, but it’s not your fault. Bad things happen in everyone’s lives. You can’t control how other people react to those bad things. Some people pick up and carry on, other’s can’t. It’s not your fault, it’s just a sad situation is all.”

“I still feel horrible.” I said, sniffling.

“I know you do. And there’s nothing I can say to make you stop feeling horrible. And there’s nothing you can say or do to make Jacob not feel horrible. The only thing that’s going to fix it is time. You just need to be there, be supportive. Be sorry that this happened, but don’t feel sorry for him. Don’t let him beat himself up either, and don’t beat yourself up.”

“Easier said that done.” I muttered.

“I know. I know.” She said back, her voice quiet and soothing.

“Now what do I do?” I asked, feeling completely clueless. I wasn’t good at this sort of thing, I never felt like I was able to comfort someone. It always felt fake, forced, and awkward.

“You just… Be there for him.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. Answer his phone calls in the middle of the night. Hug him. Listen to him, even if that means sitting on the phone and listening to him cry. How’s he doing?”

“I don’t know.” I answered honestly. “He didn’t believe it at first, he thought Michelle planned all this. He called everyone trying to find someone who would tell him differently. He finally got a hold of someone, I’m not sure who, I think maybe her Dad, and I came back in to him yelling. Then he threw his phone and started to cry and say it was all his fault.”

“So he’s taking it as to be expected?”

“Well. Kind of. Then he just… Stopped. I left for a minute, I didn’t want him to see me lose it and feel even worse, so I told him I was going to get us breakfast. But he was just so calm when I left. It scares me a little.”

“He may go through spurts of that. I know when my Dad died…” She trailed off. I held my breath, Toni didn’t get emotional, and talking about her Dad was a very private thing for her.

I heard her puff out some air. “When Dad died, I would go from being hysterical to numb. One second it was the saddest I had ever felt, and then I was just blank. I don’t know if maybe it was my mind protecting myself, or what. But I had these moments where I just… Couldn’t wrap my head around it, you know? I was so used to him being around, he was sick, but still around, that it was like I forgot that he was gone. And when I remembered, it just seemed so odd to me, that I just didn’t believe it. He wasn’t dead, just back in the hospital. Then I’d go to Mom’s, see her sad, and it would really hit me, and the cycle started all over again.”

“I just don’t know what to do.”

“I told you, Ella. You can’t do anything but be there for him. Don’t push, don’t pry, don’t nag, don’t hover. Just let him know, when he wants you, when he needs you, for whatever, you’re there.”

“Alright.” I answered. I was pulling up to the McDonalds and got off the phone with Toni, thanking her for talking to me.

I told her that she made me feel better. I lied.