FB: Cuz your eyes told the tale of an act of betrayal

“What?” I asked, not sure I had heard him right.

“Dead. Ella. Mom said she just got a call from Michelle’s roommate who… Found her.” His voice cracked again. However, the rest of his voice was strangely devoid of emotion. He had gone from panicked to nothing in a second, and that caused me to panic even more.

He stopped searching for his clothes and sat down on the bed, his chin in his hand.

“Jacob?” I asked, after a few moments of silence. I reached over and touched his shoulder lightly, to which he jumped.

“My phone.” He said, standing, searching the bed frantically. “Where is it?”

He had thrown it on the bed when he had jumped up to find his clothes. He was throwing the blankets around so violently that if his phone had been right on top of the covers, it now could have been across the room.

“Jacob. Calm down, I’ll find it.” I said, easing my hands over the comforter until I found the bump of a cell phone. I handed it to him. “Who are you calling?”

“Michelle.”

“Jacob…” I said carefully.

“No, Ella. I know her. I know her mind games. This is just some sick trick to get me to call her and find out she’s OK. She figures I’ll be so relieved when I find out that she’s not dead, that I won’t be angry at her anymore.” He was searching through his contacts for her. “She’s got another thing coming. I told her I was done with her stupid head games, I’m going to tell her off.”

He sounded so angry, so crazy… I didn’t know what to say. I listened in silence, and heard the phone ring. It sounded so loud and lonely coming from the receiver, it frightened me a little. I was actually hoping Michelle would pick up. This would all be so much easier if she did.

But, she didn’t. Her voicemail clicked on, and Jacob hung up, hit redial. Again, loud, long, lonely rings. Over and over, he would hang up and try again. Finally, with a frustrated growl, he punched in another number.

“Who are you calling now?” I asked, my voice small. I was partly afraid he was strike out at me.

“Her roommate. Michelle put her up to this. Her roommate is such a kiss ass to Michelle. But I’ll make her tell me the truth.”

More rings, another voicemail. Jacob left a hurried simple message. Call me back. Now. And hung up. More numbers were dialed, however, no one was answering their phones.

“See? I knew it. It’s all a game. Michelle probably told them that if they didn’t want to lie to me than just not to talk to me. She’s such a bitch.” It was like he was trying to convince himself. Although, it obviously wasn’t working, because he still picked up the phone, still dialed numbers, desperately searching to talk to someone who would tell him what he wanted to hear.

“I’m going to go get dressed.” I said, grabbing some clothes and heading for the bathroom. If he hadn’t grunted at me, I wouldn’t have known that he even registered that I had said anything at all.

Once in the bathroom, I shut the door, locked it, and dialed Jacob’s mother.

“How’s he doing?” She sniffed as an answer. She was crying. She obviously believed it.

“He’s telling me this is all one of Michelle’s games. That’s she’s trying to make him panic and want her back. He’s calling everyone back home, trying to find someone who will tell him something.”

“Oh Lord.” She sighed.

“Is… Is that a possibility?” I asked, hopeful. While Michelle being alive would cause a lot of drama, I still would rather that over her being dead.

“No, Ella. It’s not. I just got off the phone with her…. Father.” She spit out the word like it tasted bad. “He was very matter of fact about the whole thing.”

“What happened?” I asked, not really sure I wanted to know, but knowing for Jacob’s sake, I should.

She swallowed loudly, and spoke with a shaking voice: “According to Lucy, that’s her roommate, Michelle’s been pretty withdrawn since she got back. Lucy said she knew Michelle was upset about it, but wasn’t really worried about it yet. We all knew Michelle was in love with Jacob, so she figured it was just like a breakup. Michelle would mope for a little while, get over it, and go back to being… Michelle.” She paused for a moment, and when she spoke again, I could hear the tears in her voice. “Lucy just kept apologizing. Over and over. She said she should have known something was up… But I should have known too. Michelle came over here… And she just looked so, lost. I told her she should call Jake. I told her that he missed her too, but she just shook her head and told me she had other plans.” Sandy laughed a weird little laugh at this, a mix of a laugh and a sob. “She looked almost… Happy when she said that. I figured, maybe she’s planning on going to school. Or maybe she had met someone else. I just didn’t see it.”

“Oh Sandy…” I said, my heart breaking for the woman. “It’s not your fault.”

“But it is, in a way. I mean, I did love the girl. She made it difficult to do so, but she’s been such a huge part of Jacob’s life… How could I not love her? And I didn’t even tell her. I just let her walk away. Told her not to be a stranger, and thought about how weird it was that someone could look so lost and sad, but relieved at the same time.”

We were both quiet for a moment. Then Sandy spoke again, her voice clearer and matter-of-fact.

“Lucy had school today. She said Michelle was supposed to work, but I guess she didn’t. After class Lucy went to her parents to do some laundry, then to the library to study. When she came home, it was dark. The apartment was dark. She figured Michelle went out or something. Said she was relieved, thought Michelle might be pulling out of her funk over Jacob. She made dinner, and watched TV, she kept waiting for Michelle to come home, but she didn’t. She texted her, told her she was hoping she had fun… Then about midnight, she went to lay out her clothes for tomorrow. Said she had an early meeting and wanted to make sure she wasn’t late. She remembered Michelle said she could borrow something, so she went into her room to look. That’s when she saw Michelle on the bed. She thought…” Her voice cracked, and she sounded like a female version of Jacob, which, I guess she was. “She thought Michelle was just sleeping. She tried to wake her up, but when she couldn’t… That’s when she called nine-one-one. They searched the apartment and found the empty pill bottles. She had pretty much taken every pill they had in the apartment. They said they were scattered around the apartment. One empty bottle in the kitchen, two empty bottles in the bathroom... Lucy didn't even notice, who would?”

We were both quiet again. I could almost still hear Jacob dialing in the next room. The loud ringing of the phone. I knew it had to be in my head, he was down the hall with the TV on. But still, I heard that endless ringing. A question waiting to be answered.

“Are they sure it was a….” I trailed off, not able to say the words.

“They can’t say for sure yet.” Sandy answered, sniffing. “They found a note. The police did. Lucy wasn’t allowed to read it, they just let her glance at it so she could confirm that it was Michelle’s handwriting. But I mean… Really, what else could it be?”

She was right. It was unlikely that Michelle had been murdered. “Maybe it was an accident?” I asked, sounding too hopeful and too naïve.

A bitter, choked laugh came out of Sandy’s mouth. “Lucy said they found at least six different empty pill bottles. She doesn’t know if they found more, but she said they were scattered around the apartment, like... Like if they found her before it was over, they'd have a harder time finding the bottles and knowing what she took. That's not an accident.”

We wrapped up the conversation. She made me promise to make Jacob wait until morning to come home. There was nothing he could do right now, and she didn’t want him to be driving at night, tired and upset. I promised her that I would at least make him wait until morning, or even try to get the day off to drive him down there myself. I almost hoped that I couldn’t get the day off. I know it sounds selfish, I did want to be there for Jacob, but I felt so uncomfortable going, so out of place, so guilty for being there. Besides, Michelle had wanted Jacob all to himself, and I just felt like maybe, right now, I should at least give her that. I wanted to check on Jacob first, and then make a couple of phone calls. I thought maybe Drew should know, and maybe if I couldn’t get more time off work, that he could come get Jacob.

I walked back into the bedroom, and was surprised to see that Jacob had finally gotten a hold of someone.

“You’re a fucking liar!” He yelled. I stepped back, feeling like I was intruding. “This is all your fault, you hear me? You did this to her, you broke her, and I will kill you!” He shouted. “KILL YOU, do you HEAR me?” He looked at his phone, realizing that whoever he was talking too hung up. “FUCK!” He yelled, throwing his phone against the wall. It smashed into pieces. And then, so did Jacob.

He slid to the floor, his head buried in his hands, his body shaking. I went to him just as Jarren and Sammy cautiously poked their heads into the room. As I wrapped my arms around his massive shoulders, I looked at them and just shook my head. The backed out of the room.

“Jacob, it’s OK.”

“No.” He sobbed. “It’s all my fault, and she’s gone.”