Breaking the Surface
10 years ago
Baby watch update
Posted by
Laura
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No baby yet, and I go back and forth between wishfully thinking he'll be here before Tuesday, and knowing he's staying put till then. BUT, I do have Wednesday's post up. I'm not completely happy with it, but I don't think it's going to get any better if I work on it more. As I said before, I know WHERE I want the story line to go, I'm just not 100% sure on how it's going to get there. SO, you will have at least one post in December. The rest is touch and go - besides a new baby, I'm also doing some working from home to bring in some extra cash since Jeremy is taking December off to help me while I'm recovering from surgery. So again, PLEASE hang in there with me. I'm going to still try to get posts up once a week, but with new baby, working, and the holidays, it really is going to be touch and go for a minute :-)
Posted by
Laura
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I’ll admit, I was nervous to be alone with Seth’s Mom, but it went well. We talked easily, laughed and joked, and decorated the house. When I left, it was starting to fill up with people, and I was excited to show Seth just how supportive we were all being.
I was worried, however, when I got to the airport and didn’t receive the welcome I thought I would. I had missed Seth, I figured we’d have an issue keeping our hands off each other, but Seth… He was distant, and distracted. I barely got a hug hello.
“You OK?” I asked, eyeing him warily while we were standing at baggage claim.
“Fine. Just…” He sighed. “Tired.” He finished, shooting me a small smile.
We didn’t talk much on the way to the car, and I began to get nervous. Here I was talking myself into a relationship with him. What if he had been talking himself out of one with me?
“Can we stop somewhere, grab a bite to eat?” He asked as he climbed into the car.
“Oh… I figured we could go home. I was going to call in a pizza…” I trailed off, weakly raising my phone and waving it at him.
“I’m not really in the mood for pizza. I should probably start watching what I eat…”
“Well, I mean. It’s a celebration tonight.” I tried to protest lamely.
“Yeah… I still don’t really feel like pizza.” He snapped.
“O-K then.” I said, trying to figure out how to convince him to go home first. “I need to run by the house first.” I said.
“Ella, I’m hungry, can it wait?”
“No.” Now it was my turn to snap back at him. “And frankly Seth, I could do without the attitude.”
He sighed. “I’m sorry Ella, I didn’t mean to give you attitude…”
“Well, you wanna tell me what’s going on? Because obviously there’s something and it’s not just tiredness.”
“I didn’t want to do this here, in some parking lot.”
“Oh God.” I said, swallowing hard. “You are breaking up with me!” I thought about the party waiting for us at home, and how awkward that was going to be, and the Christmas presents I had just bought… Was it weird to give your ex boyfriend and his family presents?
“Oh, no, Ella. No, that’s not it at all.” He said quickly.
“Then what IS it? You barely hug me hello, haven’t touched me since, you’re yelling at me and I haven’t seen you for a week, and I missed you damnit.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Man, I fuck everything up, this wasn’t how I had pictured it at all, and now look, I’ve made you cry and… Geez, just forget it. Let’s just go home and order a pizza and I promise I’ll stop being so funny.”
“No. You need to tell me why you’re being so weird Seth.”
“Ella, I don’t want to do this here.”
“Do WHAT?” I practically yelled.
“Just forget it! Nothing!”
“No, because now I’ll be thinking about it all night and worrying about it, and then it’ll turn into some big deal when it’s not, so just… Please. Tell me.”
He sighed yet again. It must be a new record for him, sighing so many times in a row.
“Look, I’m sorry I’m so exasperating but I just…” I started.
“I bought you this.” He said, thrusting a small box at me.
I was dumbfounded when I opened it up and saw a ring. Not what I was expecting, not in the least bit.
“Are you….?” I wasn’t even able to finish the question.
“No. Not yet at least… Well, I mean, kind of… I just. I had this whole thing planned out in my head. But I got so nervous, and that made me distant and snappy… The whole point of this was to make you feel more at ease about me leaving, not to make you feel like I was breaking up with you.”
“Can I hear your speech?” I asked, wanting to know exactly what this ring meant.
“My speech?” He asked, confused.
“I mean you said you had this whole thing planned out in your head. What were you going to say, exactly?”
“Ella, can we just drop it? I’m not exactly on my A-game right now… I’ve already botched this up big time.”
“I don’t care. I still want to hear what you had to say. It’s important to me. Besides, how can I accept this ring if I don’t know what it means?”
He sighed, but this time with a smile, and turned to face me in the car seat.
“It means I love you. I know I tell you that a lot, but it doesn’t always feel like enough, and sometimes I wonder if you know how much… Especially after moments like these. I mean if you honestly knew how much I loved you… You would know that I would never leave you. I keep saying it, but you’ve really been my rock, and I would be in a very bad place right now if I didn’t have you.” He paused for a moment, and then continued. “I know I’m being selfish, by choosing to leave…”
“Seth, I don’t think that at all.” I interjected.
“I know you don’t, but I do. I know this is something I need to do, I know you understand, but it is incredibly selfish. Even though I am helping out others, I’m ultimately doing it for me. I know we haven’t been together for an insane amount of time, so no… I’m not proposing. But, I did want to give you something to show you how serious I am about our relationship. So, this is a promise ring. I know it’s a little high school, but... I just have so many promises I want to make to you. I promise that I’ll come home as much as I can, I promise that I’ll be faithful while I’m away, I promise that I’m committed to this relationship and will do whatever it takes to make it work.” He paused again, this time looking away. “And maybe, after this year is over, I can replace that ring with the other kind.”
I was quiet for a moment, absorbing what he said. It really was the most perfect thing anyone could say in a time like this.
“I just worried, when you saw the ring, that you would freak. Think I was taking things too fast, and… Well, I hope I’m not… Do you accept?”
“Oh Seth… Of course.” I answered, and he smiled wide as he slipped the ring on my finger, and pulled me into a deep kiss.
“Now that is how you should have greeted me.” I said, smiling at him when we finally broke apart.
“Well… There’s always more where that came from.” He said, smiling slyly at me and coming back in for another kiss.
Of course, it was that moment that my phone chose to buzz, and when I looked down, I saw it was a text from Christi:
Christi: U 2 pull over to have a quickie and 4get about us?
“Let’s head home and order that pizza. I’m starving. Then you and I can celebrate.” I said.
“If you insist.” Seth answered, only looking slightly disappointed.
I called Seth’s Mom and put in our fake pizza order. She was surprisingly realistic, even telling me to pretend like I was on hold for a few moments. I heard the noise in the background and it sounded like a lot of people were there. I was happy that with such short notice, so many of Seth’s friends were able to be there.
When we arrived at the house, it was dark and quiet, and it was hard for me not to burst out in giggles. Seth had no idea, which is exactly how we wanted it. When we walked in and switched on the lights, everyone jumped out yelling surprise, and Seth jumped about a mile in the air. He then thanked his Mom and I both, and truly was surprised.
The party was a success, and I was feeling like the happiest girl in the world.
I was worried, however, when I got to the airport and didn’t receive the welcome I thought I would. I had missed Seth, I figured we’d have an issue keeping our hands off each other, but Seth… He was distant, and distracted. I barely got a hug hello.
“You OK?” I asked, eyeing him warily while we were standing at baggage claim.
“Fine. Just…” He sighed. “Tired.” He finished, shooting me a small smile.
We didn’t talk much on the way to the car, and I began to get nervous. Here I was talking myself into a relationship with him. What if he had been talking himself out of one with me?
“Can we stop somewhere, grab a bite to eat?” He asked as he climbed into the car.
“Oh… I figured we could go home. I was going to call in a pizza…” I trailed off, weakly raising my phone and waving it at him.
“I’m not really in the mood for pizza. I should probably start watching what I eat…”
“Well, I mean. It’s a celebration tonight.” I tried to protest lamely.
“Yeah… I still don’t really feel like pizza.” He snapped.
“O-K then.” I said, trying to figure out how to convince him to go home first. “I need to run by the house first.” I said.
“Ella, I’m hungry, can it wait?”
“No.” Now it was my turn to snap back at him. “And frankly Seth, I could do without the attitude.”
He sighed. “I’m sorry Ella, I didn’t mean to give you attitude…”
“Well, you wanna tell me what’s going on? Because obviously there’s something and it’s not just tiredness.”
“I didn’t want to do this here, in some parking lot.”
“Oh God.” I said, swallowing hard. “You are breaking up with me!” I thought about the party waiting for us at home, and how awkward that was going to be, and the Christmas presents I had just bought… Was it weird to give your ex boyfriend and his family presents?
“Oh, no, Ella. No, that’s not it at all.” He said quickly.
“Then what IS it? You barely hug me hello, haven’t touched me since, you’re yelling at me and I haven’t seen you for a week, and I missed you damnit.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Man, I fuck everything up, this wasn’t how I had pictured it at all, and now look, I’ve made you cry and… Geez, just forget it. Let’s just go home and order a pizza and I promise I’ll stop being so funny.”
“No. You need to tell me why you’re being so weird Seth.”
“Ella, I don’t want to do this here.”
“Do WHAT?” I practically yelled.
“Just forget it! Nothing!”
“No, because now I’ll be thinking about it all night and worrying about it, and then it’ll turn into some big deal when it’s not, so just… Please. Tell me.”
He sighed yet again. It must be a new record for him, sighing so many times in a row.
“Look, I’m sorry I’m so exasperating but I just…” I started.
“I bought you this.” He said, thrusting a small box at me.
I was dumbfounded when I opened it up and saw a ring. Not what I was expecting, not in the least bit.
“Are you….?” I wasn’t even able to finish the question.
“No. Not yet at least… Well, I mean, kind of… I just. I had this whole thing planned out in my head. But I got so nervous, and that made me distant and snappy… The whole point of this was to make you feel more at ease about me leaving, not to make you feel like I was breaking up with you.”
“Can I hear your speech?” I asked, wanting to know exactly what this ring meant.
“My speech?” He asked, confused.
“I mean you said you had this whole thing planned out in your head. What were you going to say, exactly?”
“Ella, can we just drop it? I’m not exactly on my A-game right now… I’ve already botched this up big time.”
“I don’t care. I still want to hear what you had to say. It’s important to me. Besides, how can I accept this ring if I don’t know what it means?”
He sighed, but this time with a smile, and turned to face me in the car seat.
“It means I love you. I know I tell you that a lot, but it doesn’t always feel like enough, and sometimes I wonder if you know how much… Especially after moments like these. I mean if you honestly knew how much I loved you… You would know that I would never leave you. I keep saying it, but you’ve really been my rock, and I would be in a very bad place right now if I didn’t have you.” He paused for a moment, and then continued. “I know I’m being selfish, by choosing to leave…”
“Seth, I don’t think that at all.” I interjected.
“I know you don’t, but I do. I know this is something I need to do, I know you understand, but it is incredibly selfish. Even though I am helping out others, I’m ultimately doing it for me. I know we haven’t been together for an insane amount of time, so no… I’m not proposing. But, I did want to give you something to show you how serious I am about our relationship. So, this is a promise ring. I know it’s a little high school, but... I just have so many promises I want to make to you. I promise that I’ll come home as much as I can, I promise that I’ll be faithful while I’m away, I promise that I’m committed to this relationship and will do whatever it takes to make it work.” He paused again, this time looking away. “And maybe, after this year is over, I can replace that ring with the other kind.”
I was quiet for a moment, absorbing what he said. It really was the most perfect thing anyone could say in a time like this.
“I just worried, when you saw the ring, that you would freak. Think I was taking things too fast, and… Well, I hope I’m not… Do you accept?”
“Oh Seth… Of course.” I answered, and he smiled wide as he slipped the ring on my finger, and pulled me into a deep kiss.
“Now that is how you should have greeted me.” I said, smiling at him when we finally broke apart.
“Well… There’s always more where that came from.” He said, smiling slyly at me and coming back in for another kiss.
Of course, it was that moment that my phone chose to buzz, and when I looked down, I saw it was a text from Christi:
Christi: U 2 pull over to have a quickie and 4get about us?
“Let’s head home and order that pizza. I’m starving. Then you and I can celebrate.” I said.
“If you insist.” Seth answered, only looking slightly disappointed.
I called Seth’s Mom and put in our fake pizza order. She was surprisingly realistic, even telling me to pretend like I was on hold for a few moments. I heard the noise in the background and it sounded like a lot of people were there. I was happy that with such short notice, so many of Seth’s friends were able to be there.
When we arrived at the house, it was dark and quiet, and it was hard for me not to burst out in giggles. Seth had no idea, which is exactly how we wanted it. When we walked in and switched on the lights, everyone jumped out yelling surprise, and Seth jumped about a mile in the air. He then thanked his Mom and I both, and truly was surprised.
The party was a success, and I was feeling like the happiest girl in the world.
New post below - just baby news here!
Posted by
Laura
comments (4)
Just keeping you guys updated - We're at under 2 weeks until baby is supposed to make his entrance. I've had no labor signs other than some contractions at 35 weeks that while painful have apparently done nothing to help me out. So, I really don't think the little guy is coming sooner than that.
I currently have all of November scheduled to post - and I'm trying hard to get December written and scheduled so that I can at least promise you guys that. It's just a little bit trying because a.) I'm tired and b.) I've hit kind of a writers block where I know where I want the story to go, I'm just not exactly sure how to get it there. At the VERY very least I'm hoping to get the first week in December up and then maybe muddling through, lol.
Someone also mentioned putting up a donation button for the blog - I had done this previously but took it down. If you guys want "donations" are ALWAYS welcome, but not expected. Here's the button and I'll post it again over on the side bar:
I currently have all of November scheduled to post - and I'm trying hard to get December written and scheduled so that I can at least promise you guys that. It's just a little bit trying because a.) I'm tired and b.) I've hit kind of a writers block where I know where I want the story to go, I'm just not exactly sure how to get it there. At the VERY very least I'm hoping to get the first week in December up and then maybe muddling through, lol.
Someone also mentioned putting up a donation button for the blog - I had done this previously but took it down. If you guys want "donations" are ALWAYS welcome, but not expected. Here's the button and I'll post it again over on the side bar:
I come undone in this mad season
Posted by
Laura
comments (3)
I managed to sound excited while on the phone with Seth, letting out a squeal and a loud congratulations after he told me. He gave me the few details he knew, saying there would be a meeting later tonight to go more in depth – he would get his marching orders then, but he did know that he’d be on a plane the next day. I was excited to see him, but knew it was going to be hard, putting on a happy face when really, I wasn’t sure how I felt about this whole deal.
And I’ll admit, when I hung up the phone with him, I sat and had a nice long cry. I cried because I missed Seth, I cried because I knew missing him would be something I would do a lot of this upcoming year. I cried because I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I also cried because I missed Chloe. I hadn’t really cried for her since she died, I was too busy being the support person. I missed her, and I felt like everything had changed since she was gone.
After I was done and my breathing calmed down, I picked up the phone to call Seth’s Mother. I wanted to plan something special for him when he arrived home the next day, and I thought she might want to be included.
“Hey there Miss Ella, did you talk to Seth?” She answered.
“I did, did you?” I asked, not wanting to spill the beans if she hadn’t yet.
“Just got off the phone with him.” I could hear the smile in her voice.
“You proud Mama?” I asked, smiling back at her.
“Sure am. How are you handling it though? I know the idea of being away from him that long can’t be an easy one to swallow.”
Her bluntness took me off guard, and I swallowed hard.
“Oh, it’ll be…” I started, trying to keep my voice light. But I could clearly hear the warble in it, and knew I wasn’t going to fool anyone. “I’m happy for him, I am… I’m just not so happy for us.” I admitted.
“Oh honey…”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to get him to stay or anything… I think this is great for him, and I..”
“Ella, I get where you’re coming from sweetie. Look at Seth’s dad. He loves his jobs, and it’s great for him, he gets to travel, and it’s good money… But he’s gone a lot. I would never tell him to quit, but I miss him.
“I just don’t want you to think I’m trying to hold him back.” I blurted out.
“With all you’ve put up with Ella? Even if you did tell him to stay, I couldn’t fault you for that.” Now her own voice was getting a little shaky. “I’ve been meaning to thank you… For everything you’ve done for Seth and the family, and especially Chloe…” Her voice broke at the mention of Chloe’s name.
“You don’t have to thank me…” I said, feeling bad about bringing her pain.
“But I do. You did an awful lot for my family. So even if you were to tell Seth to stay at home and give this up… I wouldn’t fault you for that at all honey. But, I know you wouldn’t. You’ve shown over and over again that you’re not that type of person.”
“Sometimes though I wish I was.” I said, laughing.
“Well, you know, sometimes there’s nothing wrong with being a little selfish every now and then.”
We were both quiet for a moment, and then she cleared her throat.
“Oh, yeah! I called because he’s coming home tomorrow night. I wondered if you wanted to help me throw a celebration for him? I know it’ll be last minute but…”
“That’s a great idea! I think we’ve all earned a little bit of a celebration! What did you have in mind?”
“I don’t know. We could use my house, if you don’t care. We don’t have a lot of time, so I’m thinking something pretty simple. Ordering pizzas and wings and drinks, just having friends over… Maybe setting up the wii. Pretty low key, but… As much as I don’t want Seth to go, I don’t want him to know that. If he knows… He’ll stay. So I just want to put on a happy face and let him know that I support him.”
“Sounds good. If you handle the drinks, I’ll handle the food. We can both call people.”
“Alright.”
“What time are you picking him up from the airport? I’ll come over before and have you set up, and then we can all be there when you come back.”
“Oooh, it’ll be a real surprise party.” I said, smiling. “He says his plan lands at six, so we should be home by seven. I can call you and place a fake pizza order or something to let you know we’re on our way home.”
“Perfect. Seth always says we can never surprise him, but I think this will get him. I’ll come over around four to help you set everything up. I’ll tell everyone to be there between five-thirty and six so they’ll have plenty of time to be there before Seth comes.”
“Thanks so much for helping.” I said.
“Well, thank you for thinking of it, and for asking me to help.” She answered.
I hung up the phone, feeling good for a moment, and then reality came crashing down. The last guy I dated that I had a good relationship with his Mother was Jacob. And this relationship was eerily similar to that one: a death of a close female, the whole long distance thing… Actually liking and getting along with his Mom… Was this a sign of things to come?
I didn’t sleep well that night. I was so worked up over this whole situation. And if I was this worked up before it even started… Well, how well could the rest of it go? Should I stay with Seth, or was it better for us to call it quits now? I was terrified that we’d try to do this long distance thing and end up growing apart… Or worse, that I would resent him for some reason. I mean wouldn’t it be better to call it quits now, with the memory of when things were still good? Maybe then we’d have a chance of working it out once the timing was better….
However, wasn’t that what Drew had said? That he just needed time and space, and he’d come back to me? Only he didn’t. He moved on and THAT made me resent him, and things were still weird between us.
I flipped over onto my other side, settling into my pillows. I was scared of getting hurt again, scared of losing someone else… But really, that’s what relationships were, finding someone who was worth risking the hurt. Seth and I could end at any time, long distance or not. Sure, more could go wrong once he was long distance, it would be easier to grow apart. But, if we did grow apart, wouldn’t we have eventually come to the same end?
My head hurt, I was thinking too much, but I think the final conclusion was that I spent a lot of the relationships I was in over-thinking things and trying to avoid the hurt, and obviously that wasn’t really working out too well for me. When I first started dating Seth, the whole motto of dating him was “go with the flow”, and it had worked, hadn’t it? Hadn’t we gotten this far? Who’s to say that it wouldn’t take us the rest of the way?
I could, after all, see myself marrying Seth. And with that thought in my head, I finally fell asleep with a smile on my face.
I decided to take the next off work, calling in to tell them that I’d be working from home with a cold if they could get someone else to cover my group. I had no intention on working from home, but I desperately needed to clean the house before anyone came over, and I also had a few things to pick up for the party that night.
Cleaning went quicker than I expected, as did shopping for drinks and a few decorations, so I decided to swing by the mall and get a jump start on Christmas shopping. I always felt like I was on double duty for Christmas, with everything the agency did, so the earlier I got my stuff done, the better.
I knew I wanted to get Seth something Chloe centered. I didn’t want to keep bringing her up, but I knew this being the first Christmas without her… Well, she was going to be on everyone’s minds. I walked into a store called Things Remembered where they did engravings and such, and immediately was drawn to the jewelry.
There they were sitting, a collection of plain silver bands with a teardrop shaped birthstone in the middle. They were perfect, simple, and not too morbid, but it got the point across.
I was originally just going to order one for each member of his family, but then decided to get one for myself and Christi as well, and at the last minute, Matt. He may not have known Chloe as well as the rest of us did, but there’s something a little more painful about ‘what might have beens’ and I knew he still thought of her often. It was a good thing I had come in today, because the rings wouldn’t be in until the week before Christmas. It cost me a pretty penny, but I felt good about the purchase, and the majority of my Christmas shopping was finished.
And I’ll admit, when I hung up the phone with him, I sat and had a nice long cry. I cried because I missed Seth, I cried because I knew missing him would be something I would do a lot of this upcoming year. I cried because I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I also cried because I missed Chloe. I hadn’t really cried for her since she died, I was too busy being the support person. I missed her, and I felt like everything had changed since she was gone.
After I was done and my breathing calmed down, I picked up the phone to call Seth’s Mother. I wanted to plan something special for him when he arrived home the next day, and I thought she might want to be included.
“Hey there Miss Ella, did you talk to Seth?” She answered.
“I did, did you?” I asked, not wanting to spill the beans if she hadn’t yet.
“Just got off the phone with him.” I could hear the smile in her voice.
“You proud Mama?” I asked, smiling back at her.
“Sure am. How are you handling it though? I know the idea of being away from him that long can’t be an easy one to swallow.”
Her bluntness took me off guard, and I swallowed hard.
“Oh, it’ll be…” I started, trying to keep my voice light. But I could clearly hear the warble in it, and knew I wasn’t going to fool anyone. “I’m happy for him, I am… I’m just not so happy for us.” I admitted.
“Oh honey…”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to get him to stay or anything… I think this is great for him, and I..”
“Ella, I get where you’re coming from sweetie. Look at Seth’s dad. He loves his jobs, and it’s great for him, he gets to travel, and it’s good money… But he’s gone a lot. I would never tell him to quit, but I miss him.
“I just don’t want you to think I’m trying to hold him back.” I blurted out.
“With all you’ve put up with Ella? Even if you did tell him to stay, I couldn’t fault you for that.” Now her own voice was getting a little shaky. “I’ve been meaning to thank you… For everything you’ve done for Seth and the family, and especially Chloe…” Her voice broke at the mention of Chloe’s name.
“You don’t have to thank me…” I said, feeling bad about bringing her pain.
“But I do. You did an awful lot for my family. So even if you were to tell Seth to stay at home and give this up… I wouldn’t fault you for that at all honey. But, I know you wouldn’t. You’ve shown over and over again that you’re not that type of person.”
“Sometimes though I wish I was.” I said, laughing.
“Well, you know, sometimes there’s nothing wrong with being a little selfish every now and then.”
We were both quiet for a moment, and then she cleared her throat.
“Oh, yeah! I called because he’s coming home tomorrow night. I wondered if you wanted to help me throw a celebration for him? I know it’ll be last minute but…”
“That’s a great idea! I think we’ve all earned a little bit of a celebration! What did you have in mind?”
“I don’t know. We could use my house, if you don’t care. We don’t have a lot of time, so I’m thinking something pretty simple. Ordering pizzas and wings and drinks, just having friends over… Maybe setting up the wii. Pretty low key, but… As much as I don’t want Seth to go, I don’t want him to know that. If he knows… He’ll stay. So I just want to put on a happy face and let him know that I support him.”
“Sounds good. If you handle the drinks, I’ll handle the food. We can both call people.”
“Alright.”
“What time are you picking him up from the airport? I’ll come over before and have you set up, and then we can all be there when you come back.”
“Oooh, it’ll be a real surprise party.” I said, smiling. “He says his plan lands at six, so we should be home by seven. I can call you and place a fake pizza order or something to let you know we’re on our way home.”
“Perfect. Seth always says we can never surprise him, but I think this will get him. I’ll come over around four to help you set everything up. I’ll tell everyone to be there between five-thirty and six so they’ll have plenty of time to be there before Seth comes.”
“Thanks so much for helping.” I said.
“Well, thank you for thinking of it, and for asking me to help.” She answered.
I hung up the phone, feeling good for a moment, and then reality came crashing down. The last guy I dated that I had a good relationship with his Mother was Jacob. And this relationship was eerily similar to that one: a death of a close female, the whole long distance thing… Actually liking and getting along with his Mom… Was this a sign of things to come?
I didn’t sleep well that night. I was so worked up over this whole situation. And if I was this worked up before it even started… Well, how well could the rest of it go? Should I stay with Seth, or was it better for us to call it quits now? I was terrified that we’d try to do this long distance thing and end up growing apart… Or worse, that I would resent him for some reason. I mean wouldn’t it be better to call it quits now, with the memory of when things were still good? Maybe then we’d have a chance of working it out once the timing was better….
However, wasn’t that what Drew had said? That he just needed time and space, and he’d come back to me? Only he didn’t. He moved on and THAT made me resent him, and things were still weird between us.
I flipped over onto my other side, settling into my pillows. I was scared of getting hurt again, scared of losing someone else… But really, that’s what relationships were, finding someone who was worth risking the hurt. Seth and I could end at any time, long distance or not. Sure, more could go wrong once he was long distance, it would be easier to grow apart. But, if we did grow apart, wouldn’t we have eventually come to the same end?
My head hurt, I was thinking too much, but I think the final conclusion was that I spent a lot of the relationships I was in over-thinking things and trying to avoid the hurt, and obviously that wasn’t really working out too well for me. When I first started dating Seth, the whole motto of dating him was “go with the flow”, and it had worked, hadn’t it? Hadn’t we gotten this far? Who’s to say that it wouldn’t take us the rest of the way?
I could, after all, see myself marrying Seth. And with that thought in my head, I finally fell asleep with a smile on my face.
I decided to take the next off work, calling in to tell them that I’d be working from home with a cold if they could get someone else to cover my group. I had no intention on working from home, but I desperately needed to clean the house before anyone came over, and I also had a few things to pick up for the party that night.
Cleaning went quicker than I expected, as did shopping for drinks and a few decorations, so I decided to swing by the mall and get a jump start on Christmas shopping. I always felt like I was on double duty for Christmas, with everything the agency did, so the earlier I got my stuff done, the better.
I knew I wanted to get Seth something Chloe centered. I didn’t want to keep bringing her up, but I knew this being the first Christmas without her… Well, she was going to be on everyone’s minds. I walked into a store called Things Remembered where they did engravings and such, and immediately was drawn to the jewelry.
There they were sitting, a collection of plain silver bands with a teardrop shaped birthstone in the middle. They were perfect, simple, and not too morbid, but it got the point across.
I was originally just going to order one for each member of his family, but then decided to get one for myself and Christi as well, and at the last minute, Matt. He may not have known Chloe as well as the rest of us did, but there’s something a little more painful about ‘what might have beens’ and I knew he still thought of her often. It was a good thing I had come in today, because the rings wouldn’t be in until the week before Christmas. It cost me a pretty penny, but I felt good about the purchase, and the majority of my Christmas shopping was finished.
Seth's POV: I got a hole in me now - yeah I got a scar I can talk about
Posted by
Laura
comments (3)
Getting on the plane to California for my audition, I was conflicted. Part of me was excited, and hopeful, and the other half… Well, the other half wanted to turn around and go home. For one, it was such a long shot, and I knew I’d be disappointed if I didn’t make it. And secondly, I almost didn’t want to get it, didn’t want to have to leave Ella. And what about my family? This was a time when they needed me most, and here I was jet-setting off, and for what? For something that would only benefit myself.
My Mom and I had a long conversation the night before, and when I told her that… That I felt selfish for even trying, she had gotten outraged.
“It won’t just be helping you, Seth. You’ll be helping kids who need you. Do you get something out of it? Maybe. Maybe not. All you get is the exposure, the chance to MAYBE be seen and liked by someone with connections. And honey, not to rain on your parade, not to say you aren’t talented, but that’s a big maybe. There is no maybe about whether or not those kids will get something from you. They will.”
“But I’m leaving you all and we just lost…”
“Chloe.” She said, smiling sadly. “Seth… What do you think Chloe would want you to do? Sit and home so a few of your friends and family won’t miss you, or go try to do this tour, which has the potential of helping thousands of children?”
“I just feel so selfish Mom.” I admitted.
“I think us asking you to stay would be the really selfish thing.”
Really, I had been surprised when my Mom supported me going on the tour. When I told her I was taking the summer off school, she had understood, but when I had also opted out of fall quarter… Well. She started talking about me seeing a therapist. She thought I was running away from my responsibilities, that losing Chloe had cracked me up, when really it had just made me see things a little more clearly. Chloe had always wondered why I hadn’t chosen to do something with dancing, and I had always told her that dreams were nice in theory, but sometimes you needed to be practical. And with Chloe dying… Well, it just opened my eyes. What was the point in being practical? It would all be gone one day, so I better enjoy it while I had it. I could always go back to school, but a dancer’s shelf life was pretty limited. I could do this for a few years, and if it worked out, super. And if it didn’t… Well, back to school I could go.
Even with this decision made, I still sometimes struggled with it. The urge to do the responsible thing came often, and I often felt… Well, guilty and selfish. I often felt like two different people struggling and fighting to get what I really wanted. Conflicted, I guess was the best word.
And that night when I fell asleep next to Ella, I considered shutting off the alarm so that I’d “accidentally” miss my plane in the morning. I loved falling asleep next to her, and it hurt to think of not doing so for the next week – let alone not for weeks at a time.
I woke the next morning on time, because Ella rose before I did and woke me up with breakfast in bed.
“You have a long week ahead, you gotta get started on the right foot.” She said, laying a tray of bacon, eggs, and toast down in front of me.
“Thanks baby…” I said, again feeling a pang of guilt in my stomach. I was giving this up, and for what?
Ella then spoiled me even more when she joined me in the shower after breakfast. In fact, that almost did make me miss my plane…
We got to the airport with little time to spare, especially with all the security I had to go through. Ella and I only had time for a quick goodbye.
“I love you.” She said, pulling me down so my forehead was against hers. “Good luck, or break a leg, or whatever.” She smiled that half smile that got me every time.
“I love you too.” I said, kissing her forehead.
“Hey, don’t be worried.” She said, pulling away and looking up at me. “It’s a win-win. You make it, that’s awesome. If you don’t, you get to come home to me.”
“I’ll always come home to you.” I said, wrapping her in a tight hug.
“Promises promises.” She joked.
I hugged my Mom, who had met us at the airport in order to send me off. Ian would be holed up in his room, and my Dad was away on business. Walking away from Ella and my Mom was hard, I felt like I was leaving everyone behind and for what? I kept waiting for the excitement to hit me, and when it didn’t come, I wondered if I was making a mistake. I felt guilty and nervous and… Jumpy. I really wanted to take a drink, a shot, something to help calm my nerves, and maybe even help me catch a nap, but I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing once I landed, and I decided if I was going to do this, I would give it my all. There was no point in putting everyone through all this stress if I was just going to flake out.
It was a good thing I didn’t, because I didn’t have a second to blink once we touched down. The guilt and nerves disappeared, mainly because I had to concentrate on remembering to breath, that’s how fast paced it was. I was picked up at the airport, and rushed to the hotel, where I was thrown into a conference room turned dance studio, and immediately choreography was being thrown at me. Just when I thought I was starting to get the moves, we were called out on stage to perform. While I didn’t know if I expected to make it, I didn’t think I’d get knocked out in the first round, but now… I guess I just didn’t realize how good everyone else would be, or how hard the choreography was. While I was waiting for my specific group to take the stage, the nerves came back, and even more guilt. My Mom’s words echoed in my ears… Chloe would want me to do this. Chloe would want me to give my all. I needed to make Chloe proud of me.
Once I got on stage, I blanked out. There we lights and people staring and just so much pressure. I could feel the sweat already pouring down my back, and I hadn’t even started yet. I couldn’t remember any moves at all, and I fought back a panic attack.
But then the music started, and it seemed my body went on auto. I just moved, and for the first time in a long time I could actually feel the music in my body. When the music stopped, I did too, and I really have no recollection on how well I did. My palms were sweaty and my mouth was dry. It was over, and I couldn’t remember a single thing about it.
When they called my name as one of the ones to stay, I felt relieved, exhausted, and for once, not guilty. I was here doing what I needed to do. Everyone at home not only understood, but wanted me to be here. More than that, I had an overwhelming feeling that Chloe had been the one to help me, that she wanted me to be here.
Even though I should have been exhausted, I was running on adrenaline, so when I heard that we’d have an half an hour to eat and the back into another room to practice another routine, I was actually relieved. I felt like if I slowed down at this point, I would lose whatever magic seemed to be flowing through my veins. I ate to keep my energy up, made sure to drink some water, and then back to the room to stretch, warm up, and start all over. Then back to the stage with another barely learned routine, and to my shock, I made it again.
That’s pretty much how it went the rest of the week. There was barely any time to socialize with anyone else there. We were eating, sleeping, practicing, and getting cut. Every round I made it I was shocked and relieved, and scared and nervous… I’d tell myself that I shouldn’t get used to it, because next time I wouldn’t be so lucky. Next time I was probably going home.
But I didn’t, and the last day in California we preformed a solo that we choreographed, and then met with the producers of the show to interview with them. I was more honest that I intended to be, talking openly about Chloe, and about how hard It was for me to leave home so soon after her death – but that I knew she’d want me to not only follow my dream, but help others. I spoke of Ella, and how she inspired me with the work she did.
“Ella?” I said, calling her as soon as it was over.
“Hey you, how’s it going out there?”
“Good. I’m ready to come home.”
“I’m ready for you to be home.” She said, sighing. “I miss you.”
“Oh…” I trailed off. “Well… When I get home we need to discuss some things…”
“Like?”
“Well. I made it.”
My Mom and I had a long conversation the night before, and when I told her that… That I felt selfish for even trying, she had gotten outraged.
“It won’t just be helping you, Seth. You’ll be helping kids who need you. Do you get something out of it? Maybe. Maybe not. All you get is the exposure, the chance to MAYBE be seen and liked by someone with connections. And honey, not to rain on your parade, not to say you aren’t talented, but that’s a big maybe. There is no maybe about whether or not those kids will get something from you. They will.”
“But I’m leaving you all and we just lost…”
“Chloe.” She said, smiling sadly. “Seth… What do you think Chloe would want you to do? Sit and home so a few of your friends and family won’t miss you, or go try to do this tour, which has the potential of helping thousands of children?”
“I just feel so selfish Mom.” I admitted.
“I think us asking you to stay would be the really selfish thing.”
Really, I had been surprised when my Mom supported me going on the tour. When I told her I was taking the summer off school, she had understood, but when I had also opted out of fall quarter… Well. She started talking about me seeing a therapist. She thought I was running away from my responsibilities, that losing Chloe had cracked me up, when really it had just made me see things a little more clearly. Chloe had always wondered why I hadn’t chosen to do something with dancing, and I had always told her that dreams were nice in theory, but sometimes you needed to be practical. And with Chloe dying… Well, it just opened my eyes. What was the point in being practical? It would all be gone one day, so I better enjoy it while I had it. I could always go back to school, but a dancer’s shelf life was pretty limited. I could do this for a few years, and if it worked out, super. And if it didn’t… Well, back to school I could go.
Even with this decision made, I still sometimes struggled with it. The urge to do the responsible thing came often, and I often felt… Well, guilty and selfish. I often felt like two different people struggling and fighting to get what I really wanted. Conflicted, I guess was the best word.
And that night when I fell asleep next to Ella, I considered shutting off the alarm so that I’d “accidentally” miss my plane in the morning. I loved falling asleep next to her, and it hurt to think of not doing so for the next week – let alone not for weeks at a time.
I woke the next morning on time, because Ella rose before I did and woke me up with breakfast in bed.
“You have a long week ahead, you gotta get started on the right foot.” She said, laying a tray of bacon, eggs, and toast down in front of me.
“Thanks baby…” I said, again feeling a pang of guilt in my stomach. I was giving this up, and for what?
Ella then spoiled me even more when she joined me in the shower after breakfast. In fact, that almost did make me miss my plane…
We got to the airport with little time to spare, especially with all the security I had to go through. Ella and I only had time for a quick goodbye.
“I love you.” She said, pulling me down so my forehead was against hers. “Good luck, or break a leg, or whatever.” She smiled that half smile that got me every time.
“I love you too.” I said, kissing her forehead.
“Hey, don’t be worried.” She said, pulling away and looking up at me. “It’s a win-win. You make it, that’s awesome. If you don’t, you get to come home to me.”
“I’ll always come home to you.” I said, wrapping her in a tight hug.
“Promises promises.” She joked.
I hugged my Mom, who had met us at the airport in order to send me off. Ian would be holed up in his room, and my Dad was away on business. Walking away from Ella and my Mom was hard, I felt like I was leaving everyone behind and for what? I kept waiting for the excitement to hit me, and when it didn’t come, I wondered if I was making a mistake. I felt guilty and nervous and… Jumpy. I really wanted to take a drink, a shot, something to help calm my nerves, and maybe even help me catch a nap, but I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing once I landed, and I decided if I was going to do this, I would give it my all. There was no point in putting everyone through all this stress if I was just going to flake out.
It was a good thing I didn’t, because I didn’t have a second to blink once we touched down. The guilt and nerves disappeared, mainly because I had to concentrate on remembering to breath, that’s how fast paced it was. I was picked up at the airport, and rushed to the hotel, where I was thrown into a conference room turned dance studio, and immediately choreography was being thrown at me. Just when I thought I was starting to get the moves, we were called out on stage to perform. While I didn’t know if I expected to make it, I didn’t think I’d get knocked out in the first round, but now… I guess I just didn’t realize how good everyone else would be, or how hard the choreography was. While I was waiting for my specific group to take the stage, the nerves came back, and even more guilt. My Mom’s words echoed in my ears… Chloe would want me to do this. Chloe would want me to give my all. I needed to make Chloe proud of me.
Once I got on stage, I blanked out. There we lights and people staring and just so much pressure. I could feel the sweat already pouring down my back, and I hadn’t even started yet. I couldn’t remember any moves at all, and I fought back a panic attack.
But then the music started, and it seemed my body went on auto. I just moved, and for the first time in a long time I could actually feel the music in my body. When the music stopped, I did too, and I really have no recollection on how well I did. My palms were sweaty and my mouth was dry. It was over, and I couldn’t remember a single thing about it.
When they called my name as one of the ones to stay, I felt relieved, exhausted, and for once, not guilty. I was here doing what I needed to do. Everyone at home not only understood, but wanted me to be here. More than that, I had an overwhelming feeling that Chloe had been the one to help me, that she wanted me to be here.
Even though I should have been exhausted, I was running on adrenaline, so when I heard that we’d have an half an hour to eat and the back into another room to practice another routine, I was actually relieved. I felt like if I slowed down at this point, I would lose whatever magic seemed to be flowing through my veins. I ate to keep my energy up, made sure to drink some water, and then back to the room to stretch, warm up, and start all over. Then back to the stage with another barely learned routine, and to my shock, I made it again.
That’s pretty much how it went the rest of the week. There was barely any time to socialize with anyone else there. We were eating, sleeping, practicing, and getting cut. Every round I made it I was shocked and relieved, and scared and nervous… I’d tell myself that I shouldn’t get used to it, because next time I wouldn’t be so lucky. Next time I was probably going home.
But I didn’t, and the last day in California we preformed a solo that we choreographed, and then met with the producers of the show to interview with them. I was more honest that I intended to be, talking openly about Chloe, and about how hard It was for me to leave home so soon after her death – but that I knew she’d want me to not only follow my dream, but help others. I spoke of Ella, and how she inspired me with the work she did.
“Ella?” I said, calling her as soon as it was over.
“Hey you, how’s it going out there?”
“Good. I’m ready to come home.”
“I’m ready for you to be home.” She said, sighing. “I miss you.”
“Oh…” I trailed off. “Well… When I get home we need to discuss some things…”
“Like?”
“Well. I made it.”
Without you, the earth turns...
Posted by
Laura
comments (13)
The days after Chloe’s death were a blur now. I remember going back to the house, feeling so strange and empty to be leaving Chloe behind at the hospital alone. I called work and arranged for another week off. They weren’t happy about it, but I didn’t really care, I knew where I needed to be. I worked holidays and extra hours all the time, someone else could take over now.
Then Seth pulled me into bed, and while I didn’t think either one of us would sleep, we did – for a solid twelve hours actually. I hadn’t realized how much these last few days had worn on me, I hadn’t felt just how tired I was. I woke up to Seth crying, and I rolled over and held him, neither one of us saying a word.
Chloe’s funeral was pretty simple, but I was surprised at how many people showed up. I had known Chloe was popular, but I just hadn’t realized how popular. Car loads of her friends poured in, and we set up in the back yard, picnic style. Chloe had spoken to her Mom about her funeral, and hadn’t wanted something stiff and sad. We drank, we laughed, we told stories of Chloe, and then we spread her ashes by the lake that Chloe had been swimming in only days before. It was hard to believe she was really gone, and I kept seeing her everywhere, and expected her to walk in at any second, asking who had started the party without her. She never came though, and that night it had been a lot harder for all of us to sleep.
We went home the next day, Seth breaking down on the way home so badly that he had to stop and let me drive. He waved off any effort to try to comfort him, saying simply he needed to do this – and so we let him. I kept watching for signs that he was cracking, kept fearing that what happened to Jacob would happen to him, but he acted like I would expect anyone to act in a situation like this. He did go out and get rip-roaring drunk when we got home, at a memorial service that they held for anyone who hadn’t been able to make it out to Chloe’s funeral, but it wasn’t a habit. Seth was open about his feelings and his pain. The good outcome of Chloe’s death was that Seth and I had gotten closer.
I couldn’t say the same for Drew and Christi though – they broke up shortly after we arrived home. Drew said the cracks were there before Chloe died, but that her death had made Christi realized that she couldn’t waste time being with someone she just wasn’t “feeling”. I had felt bad for Drew, and it had seemed like a sudden thing to me, but he seemed to be handling it well. With their split I had expected things to get weird between Christi and I, but actually we ended up getting closer. She took a job with me at camp for the summer, and while we weren’t best friends, I did consider her to be one of my friends, rather than just one of Seth’s friends that I hung out with when he did.
Camp went well, though to be honest my heart wasn’t in it as it had been in years passed. It used to be that when I went home on the weekends, I’d be chomping at the bit to go back – and I’d spend my weekend planning the upcoming week. Instead, I spent my weeks counting down till the time I could be home with Seth, and the weekends I dreaded because time seemed to go by so quickly. I worried about Seth when I first left, worried that he’d need me and I’d be gone, worried again, that I’d have another Jacob situation. It didn’t go like that. Seth did have his moments where he got sad, and I’d feel bad for not being able to be there for him, but he talked to me about it. He wasn’t in denial like Jacob had been. We were OK.
To be honest, it was a little strange to me, to be in a “normal” functioning relationship. I’ve said ti so many times before, but with Seth it really was natural, just so easy to be, and to be happy just being.
Camp ended, and I took some more vacation time in order to go on vacation with Seth and his family. We went back to Seth’s Grandfather’s house, and while I expected it to be a weird and sad time, it wasn’t. We thought about Chloe, and I think each of us spent some time by the lake where we had spread her ashes, thinking about her, but it wasn’t this whole depressing situation I had imagined. Chloe had been here, and now she was gone. We missed her, but we all seemed to realize the best way to honor her was to move on with our lives, and keep her alive by doing so. Toni gave birth to her twins, slightly premature, but little fighters. They were boy/girl twins, and she named them Jackson and Chloe, which Seth and his family appreciated.
The weather turned colder, and I fell back into the whole work routine. We were busy, preparing for Thanksgiving and the Holidays. Seth, however, did not return back to school as I had expected him too. He had taken the summer off classes. At least, off educational classes. Instead he took more dance classes, and when it was time to enroll in fall quarter, he decided not too. He wanted to dance, and took more dance classes, even teaching a few for extra money. This was the one place where I did feel that Seth had gone a little insane – he thought he could make a career out of dancing, and like a cynical father, I thought he should choose a more practical path. It wasn’t that Seth wasn’t a good dance, he was an excellent dancer, but how likely was he to get a serious gig anywhere? Especially in the middle of Ohio… However, I knew pushing him one way wouldn’t do anything but make him resent me, so I kept my mouth closed and hoped it was just a phase.
So to say I was not prepared for the phone call I got from him at the beginning of November was a complete understatement.
“Hey baby, how are you doing?” I answered, taking a break from the tedious paperwork I had been pouring over.
“Good. Actually, great. You got a minute to talk? I know you’re at work.” He said, his words coming out super fast and excited. I smiled, I loved hearing when his days were good.
“Yeah, I got a few. You’re saving me from some paperwork. What’s going on? You sound happy.”
“I am. You remember that audition I went out for?”
I wracked my brain, trying to think. There had been several, mostly local stuff, the children’s theatre, a few preformance groups, even a couple volunteer gigs.
“I remember a couple, which one in particular?”
“The big one, with the dizzy feet foundation?”
“What?” I asked, confused. I had no idea what the big one was, and while the dizzy feet foundation sounded vaguley firmilar, I couldn’t remember from where.
“Maybe I didn’t tell you… I honestly forgot about it myself, I sent in a video and didn’t think anything would come of it, but they called me today and they want me to fly out to california to audition.”
“Oh?” I asked, a little shocked. “What is it exactly?”
“The dizzy feet foundation… It’s run by the people from So You Think You Can Dance… They go around and help dancers especially from impoverished areas? Anyway, I auditioned for a new program they have. It’s kind of like what I do with you guys, except I would tour the country going to inner city places and places where the art’s budgets have been cut. We’d spend a couple weeks in each city, teaching the kids, and then at the end of our time there, we have the kids put on a show. It’s really awesome actually, because not only do they help by teaching the kids dance, but then the show is used to raise money for that particular cities arts program.”
“Oh…” I said, taken off guard. “How long would you be gone?”
“The audition is just a few days. If I make the tour it’s a year. Which sounds like a really long time, I know, but they give you breaks after every city so it won’t be that bad.”
“Uh huh…” I answered, not really knowing what else to say. The conversation we had had while on vacation came back – how he didn’t want a long distance thing… Would touring around the country count as long distance?
“…The most awesome part about it isn’t the pay, though that’s nice. I mean not only will I be helping people Ella, but I’ll also be working with and be seen by some pretty big deal people. It may lead to something bigger…”
“Oh that is awesome. Hey, I’m really sorry, but my boss just walked in and really needs to talk to me. We can talk about this more over a celebratory dinner, OK?”
He laughed. “Alright, but so far, there’s nothing to celebrate. It’s still a big maybe El. Love you.”
“Love you too.” I said. When I hung up the phone, I knew working was a moot point, and packed up my things to head home.
Then Seth pulled me into bed, and while I didn’t think either one of us would sleep, we did – for a solid twelve hours actually. I hadn’t realized how much these last few days had worn on me, I hadn’t felt just how tired I was. I woke up to Seth crying, and I rolled over and held him, neither one of us saying a word.
Chloe’s funeral was pretty simple, but I was surprised at how many people showed up. I had known Chloe was popular, but I just hadn’t realized how popular. Car loads of her friends poured in, and we set up in the back yard, picnic style. Chloe had spoken to her Mom about her funeral, and hadn’t wanted something stiff and sad. We drank, we laughed, we told stories of Chloe, and then we spread her ashes by the lake that Chloe had been swimming in only days before. It was hard to believe she was really gone, and I kept seeing her everywhere, and expected her to walk in at any second, asking who had started the party without her. She never came though, and that night it had been a lot harder for all of us to sleep.
We went home the next day, Seth breaking down on the way home so badly that he had to stop and let me drive. He waved off any effort to try to comfort him, saying simply he needed to do this – and so we let him. I kept watching for signs that he was cracking, kept fearing that what happened to Jacob would happen to him, but he acted like I would expect anyone to act in a situation like this. He did go out and get rip-roaring drunk when we got home, at a memorial service that they held for anyone who hadn’t been able to make it out to Chloe’s funeral, but it wasn’t a habit. Seth was open about his feelings and his pain. The good outcome of Chloe’s death was that Seth and I had gotten closer.
I couldn’t say the same for Drew and Christi though – they broke up shortly after we arrived home. Drew said the cracks were there before Chloe died, but that her death had made Christi realized that she couldn’t waste time being with someone she just wasn’t “feeling”. I had felt bad for Drew, and it had seemed like a sudden thing to me, but he seemed to be handling it well. With their split I had expected things to get weird between Christi and I, but actually we ended up getting closer. She took a job with me at camp for the summer, and while we weren’t best friends, I did consider her to be one of my friends, rather than just one of Seth’s friends that I hung out with when he did.
Camp went well, though to be honest my heart wasn’t in it as it had been in years passed. It used to be that when I went home on the weekends, I’d be chomping at the bit to go back – and I’d spend my weekend planning the upcoming week. Instead, I spent my weeks counting down till the time I could be home with Seth, and the weekends I dreaded because time seemed to go by so quickly. I worried about Seth when I first left, worried that he’d need me and I’d be gone, worried again, that I’d have another Jacob situation. It didn’t go like that. Seth did have his moments where he got sad, and I’d feel bad for not being able to be there for him, but he talked to me about it. He wasn’t in denial like Jacob had been. We were OK.
To be honest, it was a little strange to me, to be in a “normal” functioning relationship. I’ve said ti so many times before, but with Seth it really was natural, just so easy to be, and to be happy just being.
Camp ended, and I took some more vacation time in order to go on vacation with Seth and his family. We went back to Seth’s Grandfather’s house, and while I expected it to be a weird and sad time, it wasn’t. We thought about Chloe, and I think each of us spent some time by the lake where we had spread her ashes, thinking about her, but it wasn’t this whole depressing situation I had imagined. Chloe had been here, and now she was gone. We missed her, but we all seemed to realize the best way to honor her was to move on with our lives, and keep her alive by doing so. Toni gave birth to her twins, slightly premature, but little fighters. They were boy/girl twins, and she named them Jackson and Chloe, which Seth and his family appreciated.
The weather turned colder, and I fell back into the whole work routine. We were busy, preparing for Thanksgiving and the Holidays. Seth, however, did not return back to school as I had expected him too. He had taken the summer off classes. At least, off educational classes. Instead he took more dance classes, and when it was time to enroll in fall quarter, he decided not too. He wanted to dance, and took more dance classes, even teaching a few for extra money. This was the one place where I did feel that Seth had gone a little insane – he thought he could make a career out of dancing, and like a cynical father, I thought he should choose a more practical path. It wasn’t that Seth wasn’t a good dance, he was an excellent dancer, but how likely was he to get a serious gig anywhere? Especially in the middle of Ohio… However, I knew pushing him one way wouldn’t do anything but make him resent me, so I kept my mouth closed and hoped it was just a phase.
So to say I was not prepared for the phone call I got from him at the beginning of November was a complete understatement.
“Hey baby, how are you doing?” I answered, taking a break from the tedious paperwork I had been pouring over.
“Good. Actually, great. You got a minute to talk? I know you’re at work.” He said, his words coming out super fast and excited. I smiled, I loved hearing when his days were good.
“Yeah, I got a few. You’re saving me from some paperwork. What’s going on? You sound happy.”
“I am. You remember that audition I went out for?”
I wracked my brain, trying to think. There had been several, mostly local stuff, the children’s theatre, a few preformance groups, even a couple volunteer gigs.
“I remember a couple, which one in particular?”
“The big one, with the dizzy feet foundation?”
“What?” I asked, confused. I had no idea what the big one was, and while the dizzy feet foundation sounded vaguley firmilar, I couldn’t remember from where.
“Maybe I didn’t tell you… I honestly forgot about it myself, I sent in a video and didn’t think anything would come of it, but they called me today and they want me to fly out to california to audition.”
“Oh?” I asked, a little shocked. “What is it exactly?”
“The dizzy feet foundation… It’s run by the people from So You Think You Can Dance… They go around and help dancers especially from impoverished areas? Anyway, I auditioned for a new program they have. It’s kind of like what I do with you guys, except I would tour the country going to inner city places and places where the art’s budgets have been cut. We’d spend a couple weeks in each city, teaching the kids, and then at the end of our time there, we have the kids put on a show. It’s really awesome actually, because not only do they help by teaching the kids dance, but then the show is used to raise money for that particular cities arts program.”
“Oh…” I said, taken off guard. “How long would you be gone?”
“The audition is just a few days. If I make the tour it’s a year. Which sounds like a really long time, I know, but they give you breaks after every city so it won’t be that bad.”
“Uh huh…” I answered, not really knowing what else to say. The conversation we had had while on vacation came back – how he didn’t want a long distance thing… Would touring around the country count as long distance?
“…The most awesome part about it isn’t the pay, though that’s nice. I mean not only will I be helping people Ella, but I’ll also be working with and be seen by some pretty big deal people. It may lead to something bigger…”
“Oh that is awesome. Hey, I’m really sorry, but my boss just walked in and really needs to talk to me. We can talk about this more over a celebratory dinner, OK?”
He laughed. “Alright, but so far, there’s nothing to celebrate. It’s still a big maybe El. Love you.”
“Love you too.” I said. When I hung up the phone, I knew working was a moot point, and packed up my things to head home.
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