Without you, the earth turns...

The days after Chloe’s death were a blur now. I remember going back to the house, feeling so strange and empty to be leaving Chloe behind at the hospital alone. I called work and arranged for another week off. They weren’t happy about it, but I didn’t really care, I knew where I needed to be. I worked holidays and extra hours all the time, someone else could take over now.

Then Seth pulled me into bed, and while I didn’t think either one of us would sleep, we did – for a solid twelve hours actually. I hadn’t realized how much these last few days had worn on me, I hadn’t felt just how tired I was. I woke up to Seth crying, and I rolled over and held him, neither one of us saying a word.

Chloe’s funeral was pretty simple, but I was surprised at how many people showed up. I had known Chloe was popular, but I just hadn’t realized how popular. Car loads of her friends poured in, and we set up in the back yard, picnic style. Chloe had spoken to her Mom about her funeral, and hadn’t wanted something stiff and sad. We drank, we laughed, we told stories of Chloe, and then we spread her ashes by the lake that Chloe had been swimming in only days before. It was hard to believe she was really gone, and I kept seeing her everywhere, and expected her to walk in at any second, asking who had started the party without her. She never came though, and that night it had been a lot harder for all of us to sleep.

We went home the next day, Seth breaking down on the way home so badly that he had to stop and let me drive. He waved off any effort to try to comfort him, saying simply he needed to do this – and so we let him. I kept watching for signs that he was cracking, kept fearing that what happened to Jacob would happen to him, but he acted like I would expect anyone to act in a situation like this. He did go out and get rip-roaring drunk when we got home, at a memorial service that they held for anyone who hadn’t been able to make it out to Chloe’s funeral, but it wasn’t a habit. Seth was open about his feelings and his pain. The good outcome of Chloe’s death was that Seth and I had gotten closer.

I couldn’t say the same for Drew and Christi though – they broke up shortly after we arrived home. Drew said the cracks were there before Chloe died, but that her death had made Christi realized that she couldn’t waste time being with someone she just wasn’t “feeling”. I had felt bad for Drew, and it had seemed like a sudden thing to me, but he seemed to be handling it well. With their split I had expected things to get weird between Christi and I, but actually we ended up getting closer. She took a job with me at camp for the summer, and while we weren’t best friends, I did consider her to be one of my friends, rather than just one of Seth’s friends that I hung out with when he did.

Camp went well, though to be honest my heart wasn’t in it as it had been in years passed. It used to be that when I went home on the weekends, I’d be chomping at the bit to go back – and I’d spend my weekend planning the upcoming week. Instead, I spent my weeks counting down till the time I could be home with Seth, and the weekends I dreaded because time seemed to go by so quickly. I worried about Seth when I first left, worried that he’d need me and I’d be gone, worried again, that I’d have another Jacob situation. It didn’t go like that. Seth did have his moments where he got sad, and I’d feel bad for not being able to be there for him, but he talked to me about it. He wasn’t in denial like Jacob had been. We were OK.

To be honest, it was a little strange to me, to be in a “normal” functioning relationship. I’ve said ti so many times before, but with Seth it really was natural, just so easy to be, and to be happy just being.

Camp ended, and I took some more vacation time in order to go on vacation with Seth and his family. We went back to Seth’s Grandfather’s house, and while I expected it to be a weird and sad time, it wasn’t. We thought about Chloe, and I think each of us spent some time by the lake where we had spread her ashes, thinking about her, but it wasn’t this whole depressing situation I had imagined. Chloe had been here, and now she was gone. We missed her, but we all seemed to realize the best way to honor her was to move on with our lives, and keep her alive by doing so. Toni gave birth to her twins, slightly premature, but little fighters. They were boy/girl twins, and she named them Jackson and Chloe, which Seth and his family appreciated.

The weather turned colder, and I fell back into the whole work routine. We were busy, preparing for Thanksgiving and the Holidays. Seth, however, did not return back to school as I had expected him too. He had taken the summer off classes. At least, off educational classes. Instead he took more dance classes, and when it was time to enroll in fall quarter, he decided not too. He wanted to dance, and took more dance classes, even teaching a few for extra money. This was the one place where I did feel that Seth had gone a little insane – he thought he could make a career out of dancing, and like a cynical father, I thought he should choose a more practical path. It wasn’t that Seth wasn’t a good dance, he was an excellent dancer, but how likely was he to get a serious gig anywhere? Especially in the middle of Ohio… However, I knew pushing him one way wouldn’t do anything but make him resent me, so I kept my mouth closed and hoped it was just a phase.

So to say I was not prepared for the phone call I got from him at the beginning of November was a complete understatement.

“Hey baby, how are you doing?” I answered, taking a break from the tedious paperwork I had been pouring over.

“Good. Actually, great. You got a minute to talk? I know you’re at work.” He said, his words coming out super fast and excited. I smiled, I loved hearing when his days were good.

“Yeah, I got a few. You’re saving me from some paperwork. What’s going on? You sound happy.”

“I am. You remember that audition I went out for?”

I wracked my brain, trying to think. There had been several, mostly local stuff, the children’s theatre, a few preformance groups, even a couple volunteer gigs.

“I remember a couple, which one in particular?”

“The big one, with the dizzy feet foundation?”

“What?” I asked, confused. I had no idea what the big one was, and while the dizzy feet foundation sounded vaguley firmilar, I couldn’t remember from where.

“Maybe I didn’t tell you… I honestly forgot about it myself, I sent in a video and didn’t think anything would come of it, but they called me today and they want me to fly out to california to audition.”

“Oh?” I asked, a little shocked. “What is it exactly?”

“The dizzy feet foundation… It’s run by the people from So You Think You Can Dance… They go around and help dancers especially from impoverished areas? Anyway, I auditioned for a new program they have. It’s kind of like what I do with you guys, except I would tour the country going to inner city places and places where the art’s budgets have been cut. We’d spend a couple weeks in each city, teaching the kids, and then at the end of our time there, we have the kids put on a show. It’s really awesome actually, because not only do they help by teaching the kids dance, but then the show is used to raise money for that particular cities arts program.”

“Oh…” I said, taken off guard. “How long would you be gone?”

“The audition is just a few days. If I make the tour it’s a year. Which sounds like a really long time, I know, but they give you breaks after every city so it won’t be that bad.”

“Uh huh…” I answered, not really knowing what else to say. The conversation we had had while on vacation came back – how he didn’t want a long distance thing… Would touring around the country count as long distance?

“…The most awesome part about it isn’t the pay, though that’s nice. I mean not only will I be helping people Ella, but I’ll also be working with and be seen by some pretty big deal people. It may lead to something bigger…”

“Oh that is awesome. Hey, I’m really sorry, but my boss just walked in and really needs to talk to me. We can talk about this more over a celebratory dinner, OK?”

He laughed. “Alright, but so far, there’s nothing to celebrate. It’s still a big maybe El. Love you.”

“Love you too.” I said. When I hung up the phone, I knew working was a moot point, and packed up my things to head home.