Seth's POV: I got a hole in me now - yeah I got a scar I can talk about

Getting on the plane to California for my audition, I was conflicted. Part of me was excited, and hopeful, and the other half… Well, the other half wanted to turn around and go home. For one, it was such a long shot, and I knew I’d be disappointed if I didn’t make it. And secondly, I almost didn’t want to get it, didn’t want to have to leave Ella. And what about my family? This was a time when they needed me most, and here I was jet-setting off, and for what? For something that would only benefit myself.

My Mom and I had a long conversation the night before, and when I told her that… That I felt selfish for even trying, she had gotten outraged.

“It won’t just be helping you, Seth. You’ll be helping kids who need you. Do you get something out of it? Maybe. Maybe not. All you get is the exposure, the chance to MAYBE be seen and liked by someone with connections. And honey, not to rain on your parade, not to say you aren’t talented, but that’s a big maybe. There is no maybe about whether or not those kids will get something from you. They will.”
“But I’m leaving you all and we just lost…”
“Chloe.” She said, smiling sadly. “Seth… What do you think Chloe would want you to do? Sit and home so a few of your friends and family won’t miss you, or go try to do this tour, which has the potential of helping thousands of children?”
“I just feel so selfish Mom.” I admitted.
“I think us asking you to stay would be the really selfish thing.”

Really, I had been surprised when my Mom supported me going on the tour. When I told her I was taking the summer off school, she had understood, but when I had also opted out of fall quarter… Well. She started talking about me seeing a therapist. She thought I was running away from my responsibilities, that losing Chloe had cracked me up, when really it had just made me see things a little more clearly. Chloe had always wondered why I hadn’t chosen to do something with dancing, and I had always told her that dreams were nice in theory, but sometimes you needed to be practical. And with Chloe dying… Well, it just opened my eyes. What was the point in being practical? It would all be gone one day, so I better enjoy it while I had it. I could always go back to school, but a dancer’s shelf life was pretty limited. I could do this for a few years, and if it worked out, super. And if it didn’t… Well, back to school I could go.
Even with this decision made, I still sometimes struggled with it. The urge to do the responsible thing came often, and I often felt… Well, guilty and selfish. I often felt like two different people struggling and fighting to get what I really wanted. Conflicted, I guess was the best word.

And that night when I fell asleep next to Ella, I considered shutting off the alarm so that I’d “accidentally” miss my plane in the morning. I loved falling asleep next to her, and it hurt to think of not doing so for the next week – let alone not for weeks at a time.

I woke the next morning on time, because Ella rose before I did and woke me up with breakfast in bed.
“You have a long week ahead, you gotta get started on the right foot.” She said, laying a tray of bacon, eggs, and toast down in front of me.
“Thanks baby…” I said, again feeling a pang of guilt in my stomach. I was giving this up, and for what?
Ella then spoiled me even more when she joined me in the shower after breakfast. In fact, that almost did make me miss my plane…
We got to the airport with little time to spare, especially with all the security I had to go through. Ella and I only had time for a quick goodbye.
“I love you.” She said, pulling me down so my forehead was against hers. “Good luck, or break a leg, or whatever.” She smiled that half smile that got me every time.
“I love you too.” I said, kissing her forehead.
“Hey, don’t be worried.” She said, pulling away and looking up at me. “It’s a win-win. You make it, that’s awesome. If you don’t, you get to come home to me.”
“I’ll always come home to you.” I said, wrapping her in a tight hug.
“Promises promises.” She joked.

I hugged my Mom, who had met us at the airport in order to send me off. Ian would be holed up in his room, and my Dad was away on business. Walking away from Ella and my Mom was hard, I felt like I was leaving everyone behind and for what? I kept waiting for the excitement to hit me, and when it didn’t come, I wondered if I was making a mistake. I felt guilty and nervous and… Jumpy. I really wanted to take a drink, a shot, something to help calm my nerves, and maybe even help me catch a nap, but I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing once I landed, and I decided if I was going to do this, I would give it my all. There was no point in putting everyone through all this stress if I was just going to flake out.

It was a good thing I didn’t, because I didn’t have a second to blink once we touched down. The guilt and nerves disappeared, mainly because I had to concentrate on remembering to breath, that’s how fast paced it was. I was picked up at the airport, and rushed to the hotel, where I was thrown into a conference room turned dance studio, and immediately choreography was being thrown at me. Just when I thought I was starting to get the moves, we were called out on stage to perform. While I didn’t know if I expected to make it, I didn’t think I’d get knocked out in the first round, but now… I guess I just didn’t realize how good everyone else would be, or how hard the choreography was. While I was waiting for my specific group to take the stage, the nerves came back, and even more guilt. My Mom’s words echoed in my ears… Chloe would want me to do this. Chloe would want me to give my all. I needed to make Chloe proud of me.

Once I got on stage, I blanked out. There we lights and people staring and just so much pressure. I could feel the sweat already pouring down my back, and I hadn’t even started yet. I couldn’t remember any moves at all, and I fought back a panic attack.
But then the music started, and it seemed my body went on auto. I just moved, and for the first time in a long time I could actually feel the music in my body. When the music stopped, I did too, and I really have no recollection on how well I did. My palms were sweaty and my mouth was dry. It was over, and I couldn’t remember a single thing about it.

When they called my name as one of the ones to stay, I felt relieved, exhausted, and for once, not guilty. I was here doing what I needed to do. Everyone at home not only understood, but wanted me to be here. More than that, I had an overwhelming feeling that Chloe had been the one to help me, that she wanted me to be here.

Even though I should have been exhausted, I was running on adrenaline, so when I heard that we’d have an half an hour to eat and the back into another room to practice another routine, I was actually relieved. I felt like if I slowed down at this point, I would lose whatever magic seemed to be flowing through my veins. I ate to keep my energy up, made sure to drink some water, and then back to the room to stretch, warm up, and start all over. Then back to the stage with another barely learned routine, and to my shock, I made it again.
That’s pretty much how it went the rest of the week. There was barely any time to socialize with anyone else there. We were eating, sleeping, practicing, and getting cut. Every round I made it I was shocked and relieved, and scared and nervous… I’d tell myself that I shouldn’t get used to it, because next time I wouldn’t be so lucky. Next time I was probably going home.

But I didn’t, and the last day in California we preformed a solo that we choreographed, and then met with the producers of the show to interview with them. I was more honest that I intended to be, talking openly about Chloe, and about how hard It was for me to leave home so soon after her death – but that I knew she’d want me to not only follow my dream, but help others. I spoke of Ella, and how she inspired me with the work she did.

“Ella?” I said, calling her as soon as it was over.
“Hey you, how’s it going out there?”
“Good. I’m ready to come home.”
“I’m ready for you to be home.” She said, sighing. “I miss you.”
“Oh…” I trailed off. “Well… When I get home we need to discuss some things…”
“Like?”
“Well. I made it.”