I come undone in this mad season

I managed to sound excited while on the phone with Seth, letting out a squeal and a loud congratulations after he told me. He gave me the few details he knew, saying there would be a meeting later tonight to go more in depth – he would get his marching orders then, but he did know that he’d be on a plane the next day. I was excited to see him, but knew it was going to be hard, putting on a happy face when really, I wasn’t sure how I felt about this whole deal.

And I’ll admit, when I hung up the phone with him, I sat and had a nice long cry. I cried because I missed Seth, I cried because I knew missing him would be something I would do a lot of this upcoming year. I cried because I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I also cried because I missed Chloe. I hadn’t really cried for her since she died, I was too busy being the support person. I missed her, and I felt like everything had changed since she was gone.

After I was done and my breathing calmed down, I picked up the phone to call Seth’s Mother. I wanted to plan something special for him when he arrived home the next day, and I thought she might want to be included.

“Hey there Miss Ella, did you talk to Seth?” She answered.

“I did, did you?” I asked, not wanting to spill the beans if she hadn’t yet.

“Just got off the phone with him.” I could hear the smile in her voice.

“You proud Mama?” I asked, smiling back at her.

“Sure am. How are you handling it though? I know the idea of being away from him that long can’t be an easy one to swallow.”

Her bluntness took me off guard, and I swallowed hard.

“Oh, it’ll be…” I started, trying to keep my voice light. But I could clearly hear the warble in it, and knew I wasn’t going to fool anyone. “I’m happy for him, I am… I’m just not so happy for us.” I admitted.

“Oh honey…”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to get him to stay or anything… I think this is great for him, and I..”

“Ella, I get where you’re coming from sweetie. Look at Seth’s dad. He loves his jobs, and it’s great for him, he gets to travel, and it’s good money… But he’s gone a lot. I would never tell him to quit, but I miss him.

“I just don’t want you to think I’m trying to hold him back.” I blurted out.

“With all you’ve put up with Ella? Even if you did tell him to stay, I couldn’t fault you for that.” Now her own voice was getting a little shaky. “I’ve been meaning to thank you… For everything you’ve done for Seth and the family, and especially Chloe…” Her voice broke at the mention of Chloe’s name.

“You don’t have to thank me…” I said, feeling bad about bringing her pain.

“But I do. You did an awful lot for my family. So even if you were to tell Seth to stay at home and give this up… I wouldn’t fault you for that at all honey. But, I know you wouldn’t. You’ve shown over and over again that you’re not that type of person.”

“Sometimes though I wish I was.” I said, laughing.

“Well, you know, sometimes there’s nothing wrong with being a little selfish every now and then.”

We were both quiet for a moment, and then she cleared her throat.

“Oh, yeah! I called because he’s coming home tomorrow night. I wondered if you wanted to help me throw a celebration for him? I know it’ll be last minute but…”

“That’s a great idea! I think we’ve all earned a little bit of a celebration! What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know. We could use my house, if you don’t care. We don’t have a lot of time, so I’m thinking something pretty simple. Ordering pizzas and wings and drinks, just having friends over… Maybe setting up the wii. Pretty low key, but… As much as I don’t want Seth to go, I don’t want him to know that. If he knows… He’ll stay. So I just want to put on a happy face and let him know that I support him.”

“Sounds good. If you handle the drinks, I’ll handle the food. We can both call people.”

“Alright.”

“What time are you picking him up from the airport? I’ll come over before and have you set up, and then we can all be there when you come back.”

“Oooh, it’ll be a real surprise party.” I said, smiling. “He says his plan lands at six, so we should be home by seven. I can call you and place a fake pizza order or something to let you know we’re on our way home.”

“Perfect. Seth always says we can never surprise him, but I think this will get him. I’ll come over around four to help you set everything up. I’ll tell everyone to be there between five-thirty and six so they’ll have plenty of time to be there before Seth comes.”

“Thanks so much for helping.” I said.

“Well, thank you for thinking of it, and for asking me to help.” She answered.

I hung up the phone, feeling good for a moment, and then reality came crashing down. The last guy I dated that I had a good relationship with his Mother was Jacob. And this relationship was eerily similar to that one: a death of a close female, the whole long distance thing… Actually liking and getting along with his Mom… Was this a sign of things to come?

I didn’t sleep well that night. I was so worked up over this whole situation. And if I was this worked up before it even started… Well, how well could the rest of it go? Should I stay with Seth, or was it better for us to call it quits now? I was terrified that we’d try to do this long distance thing and end up growing apart… Or worse, that I would resent him for some reason. I mean wouldn’t it be better to call it quits now, with the memory of when things were still good? Maybe then we’d have a chance of working it out once the timing was better….
However, wasn’t that what Drew had said? That he just needed time and space, and he’d come back to me? Only he didn’t. He moved on and THAT made me resent him, and things were still weird between us.

I flipped over onto my other side, settling into my pillows. I was scared of getting hurt again, scared of losing someone else… But really, that’s what relationships were, finding someone who was worth risking the hurt. Seth and I could end at any time, long distance or not. Sure, more could go wrong once he was long distance, it would be easier to grow apart. But, if we did grow apart, wouldn’t we have eventually come to the same end?

My head hurt, I was thinking too much, but I think the final conclusion was that I spent a lot of the relationships I was in over-thinking things and trying to avoid the hurt, and obviously that wasn’t really working out too well for me. When I first started dating Seth, the whole motto of dating him was “go with the flow”, and it had worked, hadn’t it? Hadn’t we gotten this far? Who’s to say that it wouldn’t take us the rest of the way?

I could, after all, see myself marrying Seth. And with that thought in my head, I finally fell asleep with a smile on my face.

I decided to take the next off work, calling in to tell them that I’d be working from home with a cold if they could get someone else to cover my group. I had no intention on working from home, but I desperately needed to clean the house before anyone came over, and I also had a few things to pick up for the party that night.

Cleaning went quicker than I expected, as did shopping for drinks and a few decorations, so I decided to swing by the mall and get a jump start on Christmas shopping. I always felt like I was on double duty for Christmas, with everything the agency did, so the earlier I got my stuff done, the better.

I knew I wanted to get Seth something Chloe centered. I didn’t want to keep bringing her up, but I knew this being the first Christmas without her… Well, she was going to be on everyone’s minds. I walked into a store called Things Remembered where they did engravings and such, and immediately was drawn to the jewelry.

There they were sitting, a collection of plain silver bands with a teardrop shaped birthstone in the middle. They were perfect, simple, and not too morbid, but it got the point across.
I was originally just going to order one for each member of his family, but then decided to get one for myself and Christi as well, and at the last minute, Matt. He may not have known Chloe as well as the rest of us did, but there’s something a little more painful about ‘what might have beens’ and I knew he still thought of her often. It was a good thing I had come in today, because the rings wouldn’t be in until the week before Christmas. It cost me a pretty penny, but I felt good about the purchase, and the majority of my Christmas shopping was finished.