we're gonna try again next year

First, sry about the typos. I'm on my phone and way too lazy to edit. Second I really do apologize for the lack of posting. You all have been super understanding and I know obviously my family comes first but I didn't want it to be like this and personally I miss writing. I had planned to come back this week since christmas is over and eli is sort of sleeping better... I even had a post almost done... and then I got sick. Go figure huh? I spent all day yesterday in bed and would be baxk there today but jer has a job interview... which is good but it super syucks that I'm home alone with both kids feeling like crap. So I think we're gonna chalk this up to a loss and try again next year. So sorry guys!

I know plenty of you have emailed or commented to tell me it's not a big deal on being late, and I appreciate that, but I wanted to just give you a little update.

I'm hoping to get a post up this week. Eli's sleep schedule is still wonky, but I think Jer and I have worked out a system where I'm not so tired (and personally I think he's exhausted, but he won't sleep when he gets the chance too, so that's on him.) Cayden's sleep is back to normal - meaning he's still waking in the middle of the night, but it's just for milk and right back to sleep, so at least we're not getting 3 AM freak out's from him.

I was attempting to write today, since I finally wasn't so tired that I needed to nap, but I first really needed to clean (my Mom has been cleaning up after us and doing our laundry. Which, is a huge help, but makes me feel like a super loser - living in my Mom's house AND having her clean up after me.) Then I sat down to write and of course, Eli woke up - he's been having bad gas (you care about this so much, I know.) So he was not in a good mood. I was also going to write these past couple evenings but had things to do to get ready for Christmas - my shopping was done, but my Mom asked me to go to the mall and finish her shopping. So I did. And then the next night she asked us to grocery shop for her, so I did, and last night I finished up making their Christmas ornaments. Tonight we're taking Cayden to see some lights and then I'm finishing up the last few things I need to wrap.

Basically, I know you guys don't want/need a run down on my life, but I just wanted you to know that I'm REALLY trying not to slack, just with all this added Christmas stuff it's been even more hectic than normal. Still, I'm hoping it's going to die down here soon so I can get a post up this week, because I miss writing it and hearing from you guys. Push comes to shove, the post may just not be as long as it normally is, but I will try to get something up.

Again, thanks for hanging in there!

No post tomorrow

Sorry guys, it's been a rough week - Eli's been having gas - of course it hits about 3 AM so he's been waking me every hour just by being fussy, and Cayden is going through this thing where he doesn't want to sleep in his own bed. Today we had to run some errands and tomorrow I have to go get my staples removed. I am hoping to have a post up by the end of the week. Hang in there, I'm hoping to get a schedule down soon.

I started running but theres nowhere to run to

I was in total shock, and all I could do when the “oh my god’s” and “congratulations!” rolled in was smile and nod my head. What the hell? This hadn’t been an engagement. I mean, it was, in a way… But the way he had explained it… It was more of a promise. I didn’t want to marry Seth right now. Someday, yeah, maybe… But I was banking on seeing how this whole separation deal worked out first.

“This is such good news!” Seth’s Mom exclaimed, wrapping me up in a hug.
Even Ian was grinning ear to ear and patting Seth on the back.
All I could do was eye Seth from across the room, and all he did was smile and shrug at me. What was that supposed to mean?

I looked around and noticed that Drew was missing. My heart started thumping – Oh God, what did Drew think of all of this?
I exited the room, under the guise of needing to use the restroom, and found him putting on his coat at the door.
“Drew…” I started.
“No, Ella, it’s OK. I’m happy for you, I am.” He said, smiling.
“If you’re so happy, then why are you leaving?”
He shrugged. “Just a little awkward is all. I just think that this moment should be about you and your family celebrating. Not you, your family, and your ex boyfriend.”
“Drew.” I sighed. “You’re more than my ex boyfriend…”
“I was.” He said. “I’m not anymore.”
I didn’t really know how to respond to that. He was right, of course he was. But I couldn’t figure out just why I was so sad about it. I was happy with Seth, I knew that. But this whole thing had thrown me for a loop, and my head was spinning.
“Ella, don’t look so sad. You’re getting married!” He said smiling at me.
Do I tell him the truth? That I had never agreed to be engaged to Seth, at least not yet?
“Yeah. I just… I dunno. I guess I always figured it’d be to you or Jason…” I said, sitting on the couch. “Life is funny, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. Well…” He sat there, looking uncomfortable for a moment. “I told my Mom I’d try to stop by, so I guess I better get on the road.”
“You’re going to see your Mom?” I asked, doubting him.
“Sometimes it’s just time to let go of anger and move on.” He said. “Congrats again.” He called over his shoulder as he shut the door.

I stood there for a moment, trying to figure out what it was I felt, and I just didn’t know. So many thoughts were running through my head, so many emotions…

That’s when Seth walked in.
“You mad?” He asked, looking a little timid.
“I’m not sure. I think I’m more confused than anything. I didn’t think what you asked me was a proposal, I thought…”
“You thought right, I just thought… I mean everyone seemed so happy and it’s been a rough year so…”
“So you chose to lie to everyone to make them happy?” I realized then I was angry. Seth had put me in a very uncomfortable position – I either had to go through with an engagement I wasn’t sure about, or be the bad guy and tell everyone the truth – that the ring was just a promise ring, and that if Seth lying was any indication that things were not going to go in that direction.
“Ella, I figured… I mean I told you that I wanted to be engaged, I just figured it wouldn’t be a big deal.”
“And I figured that IF we got engaged, I would be asked, I would agree to it, and I wouldn’t be in total fucking shock when my boyfriend randomly announces at thanksgiving dinner that we’re engaged. That I would be in on it when we announced it to everyone, and that I would be happy and excited.”
“You’re not happy and excited?” Seth asked, looking hurt.
“To be honest? No. Because I’m not sure we’re ready for this. We already have a huge hurdle to overcome, and I don’t think we need the extra pressure of an engagement added on.”
“So what do you want me to do?” He asked, looking annoyed.
“I don’t know why you’re the one who’s aggravated. You’re the one who went ahead and chose to lie to everyone. You could have helped me out, you could have told them the truth, and instead you decided to take the easy way out. I know everyone’s had a bad year, and I do understand wanting to make everyone happy, but Seth you did it the wrong way.”
“I guess I just don’t understand, Ella. I mean I figured we were well on our way to getting engaged. So what if everyone thinks we’re engaged now? I mean we’ll just tell them we plan on a long engagement is all. And if it doesn’t work out…” He shrugged. “Well, people break off engagements all the time.”
“I guess I just can’t believe you’re being so… Whatever about this.” I shrugged.
“I can’t believe you’re being so uptight about it. Everyone is happy about this. And I guess I just don’t understand why you aren’t too.”
“You make this huge announcement in front of EVERYONE without talking to me about it first and you can’t understand why that might make me a little upset? You’re leaving Seth. I’m the one who’s going to be stuck here fielding questions about a wedding that I don’t even know if I want yet.”
“So basically what you’re telling me is you don’t know if you want to get married to me.”
I sighed. “We’ve been over this Seth. We haven’t been dating that long. So no, I don’t know if I want to get married to you.
The look of hurt of his face caught me by surprise.
“Do you know if you want to marry me?” I asked, and it slipped out before I realized I honestly didn’t want to know the answer.
“Yes, Ella. I want to marry you. And I know that now. I can’t believe you’re still not sure.”
“Seth, don’t act like that. I know I love you. I know I want to be with you. But I’ve rushed into every other relationship that I’ve ever had, and marriage is a forever kind of deal for me. My parents have been married forever, and I want to be them. I just don’t think we should rush into this. I think we should take it all one step at a time. You just put me out on the spot, and now… Now I feel forced, like I have to go along with it.”
“Don’t do me any favors Ella.” Seth snapped. “I’ll let them all know that it was a misunderstanding on my part.”

His face looked hurt and angry, and I didn’t know what to say. Was I really being that unreasonable? How did could Seth not think this wasn’t a big deal? And how could he know for sure already that he wanted to marry me? I knew from Jason that experiences could change you – some things made you become a different person. Who knew what this dancing gig would do to Seth? We would have the strain of long distance, and on top of that he would be experiencing things that I wouldn’t… He could come back a whole different person. He could come back wanting different things. Was it so wrong for me to want to wait and see how that went before I made any type of commitment? He acted like getting engaged was something you could just walk in and out of. While I knew being engaged wasn’t a binding contract, I also didn’t want to be engaged to every guy I was serious with – how was that special at all?

I wanted to explain this all to him, hoped that it made more sense to him… But he stormed off, back into the dining room. And as bad as this makes me sound, I honestly was too chicken to join him. So I grabbed my coat and I left.

Ahhh sorry!

Of course, I spoke too soon. Post is not done - yesterday started out pretty good but Cayden had a stage 11 meltdown and then never really recovered from it and needed extra attention ALL day. Then I was going to write in the evening but Eli decided to fuss every time I set him down, which led me to being up with him until 4 AM. This morning we had his newborn check, and now I desperately need a nap, and then we're off to the inlaws. However, they know I'm pumping so we told them the max we could stay was two hours. I plan on coming home and finishing the post. The LATEST it will be up is tomorrow morning, but I said it would be Wednesday so damnit, I'm gonna try to get it up today.

Sorry guys, I think I jinxed myself!

Expect a post Wednesday

Not sure what time, but I've written half a post and know what I want to happen with the rest of the post, so it shouldn't be too hard to finish - I'm hoping to finish it tomorrow evening (tomorrow during the day we plan on venturing out with Cayden, he keeps asking to play outside but it's FREEZING, so we're hoping to take him to COSI or at the very least to a play place to kill some energy.)

Anyway, just wanted to update since I said I didn't know if there would be one or not. If all goes OK tomorrow, it should be up on time Wednesday :-)

Any other posts about the baby will be on my other blog - the link is over on the right in the links section. I just know some people got annoyed with baby talk here, so I'm trying to keep it un-cluttered.

As for the next post, I'm hoping it'll be this Wednesday, but it may not be. We're just trying to get settled in at home, and this week my Mom goes back to work and we have a couple of appointments (Eli's first doctors appointment and pictures tomorrow.), and I'm tired, recovering, and woring from home, so lots of things to juggle. Basically, we're trying to get settled in and I'm not sure how it's going to go... So please hang in there with me! I'm trying! :-)

Elijah "Grunt" is here

I posted on the other blog, but it was just a quick blurb so I thought I would update here and the other blog for those who care :-)

We had our baby Tuesday via repeat c-section. The c-section was supposed to happen at 10:30 but there was a mistake in scheduling so we got bumped back. We were also supposed to record for a new reality show, BUT the doctor that was in charge ended up being the ONLY doctor that didn't let people in the OR. So, we didn't get too.

Other than that, things went pretty well... The spinal which I was most worried about was a total breeze - actually I didn't feel it going in and was shocked when they told me to lay down because it was done. The c-section itself was worse than last time - I think because last time I was so drugged up and this time I could "feel" more - no pain, but more tugging, pressure... I could also hear more and that was just gross, lol. I felt like I was having issues breathing as well, even though I knew the machines would pick up on it if I really was, but it just felt more uncomfortable.

Eli also had issues breathing, just like his big brother. However, he didn't have to go to the NICU like Cayden - they had NICU nurses in the OR with us, and they were able to "fix" him there. I cried when I heard him cry, and they laid him on me and I got to "carry" him out as we were wheeled into recovery together. He latched there and nursed like a champ - but I haven't been producing milk, so now unfortunatly I think we're going to have another formula baby.

While the c-section was worse than my first, the recovery? Has been WAY better. I'm still sore, I still have some pain, and it's still something I would have rather skipped, but I'm just able to do SO much more this go around - at least when it comes to Eli. It's hard with Cayden because I can't do much and when he comes to visit he wants held and stuff and I can't really do that.

Oh, Elijah is a beast. Born at 1:18 PM a week early he weighed in at 9 lbs, 6 oz. We were told he was 21 inches, but his bassinet says 20 inches, so we're not 100 percent sure on that!

We call him Grunt because he constantly makes these little grunting noises. So cute.

Nurses here have been amazing, but I am exhausted so I'm signing off.








I'll post more pictures (including some of big bro) later on the other blog.

There's nowhere to run I have no place to go

That night, after Seth and I had finished… Uh, welcoming him home, we laid in bed discussing the details the producers had given him. They would start practice after the first of the month. Each of them had an area of expertise when it came to dance, and they would spend two weeks learning a routine that they would then teach to the kids when they were touring around. They would also learn a couple of group dances that they would put on during the kids shows. They were going to tour twelve schools in the year, spending three weeks at every school, two weeks teaching the kids the routine, and one week performing. They then got a week off, which the show would pay to fly them home and back. They had free time on the weekends and could come home if they wanted, but those trips they would have to pay for themselves.

“You’ll be gone for almost a month at a time?” I asked, trying to keep my whining in check.

“I know.” He said, sighing and pulling me closer to him. “But, you know, it won’t be so bad. I’m hoping some of the shows will be close to home so I can jet back on the weekends. And, you could always try to come visit me too… And I’m sure it’s going to fly by.”

“Yeah, I’m so sure.” I said, sarcastically.

“Well… We’re not going until after the Holidays. So you have me until then.” He said, kissing the side of my head.

“Speaking of the Holidays….” I said, trailing off.

“Yeah?”

“My Mom wants me to invite you over for Thanksgiving. But, I didn’t know how hard it would be… The first Holiday since Chloe…”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “Mom said she wasn’t sure if she was up to doing a huge thing.”

“Well. I told my Mom about that, and she kind of also wanted me to invite your parents and brother. I mean we usually tend to do a big thing at our house, everyone’s welcome type deal. I just didn’t know if it would be weird…”

“I’ll be there for sure. I’ll have to ask Mom and everyone though.”

With everything I had to do with work, November flew by, and before I knew it, it was Thanksgiving. I didn’t even have time to get nervous about the fact that my parents were meeting my boyfriend and his family for the first time. In fact, I barely had time to talk to my Mom and hammer down details. All I knew is I was bringing a side, Seth’s family was bringing a ham, and my Mom would do the rest.

In fact, I was so busy doing things for the agencies Thanksgiving that I didn’t even make my own side – a point my Mother picked up on quickly.

“Ella, you couldn’t even take it out of the store bought package to pretend like you made it?” She whined when I handed her the casserole container.

“Mom, I’ve made stuff all week. If you want to taste my homemade goodness, you’ll have to go to the agencies Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. Don’t you think the homeless and down on their luck deserve my lumpy mashed potato’s more than you guys do?” I asked, shrugging off my coat.


She rolled her eyes, but smiled at Seth. “So this is this young man I’ve been hearing so much about? When you call, which, you never do anymore.”

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. “Yeah Mom, this is Seth. Seth, this is my Mom.”

Seth went to stick out his hand, but my Mom pulled him into a hug.

“Your parents are still coming?” She asked, looking over his shoulder.

“They’re running late.” He answered. “They usually are. Sorry about that.”

“Oh no worries at all. I’m running a little behind myself, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t make all this food and have no one show!”

“Well, Matt and Drew are coming by too. You know how they can put it away.”

Mom nodded. “Your father is out in the living room, decorating. Why don’t you all go out and help him?”

My Mom seemed to like Seth, which was a good thing, out of my parents she was the most difficult. My father, on the other hand, was the most laid back guy in the world, and I wasn’t at all worried about how he’d react to Seth. Dad got along with everyone. I know a lot of girls worried about their Dad’s trying to intimidate their boyfriends, but I never did. One time, in high-school teen girl moment, I had thrown a fit and had told my Dad that meant he didn’t care about me. I was totally not ready for his reaction – he laughed! Then he answered me very calmly, and I’ll always remember what he said word for word: “oh honey, it’s just that I trust you. I know you’re too smart to end up with a dead beat.”

I was right – Seth shook Dad’s hand and within two minutes they were talking sports and stringing lights. And when his family came, they blended in perfectly, Seth’s Mom was cracking jokes with my Mom (making her laugh, which was a shocker!) And even Ian seemed comfortable talking to my Dad. I felt like we were one big family, and I could see us doing this many years down the road – my parent’s two lazy dogs slobbering all over everyone and tripping everyone up. The boys doing what boys do, being lazy and in everyone’s way while they lounge in front of the TV.

I was worried that the dynamic may get a little upset when Matt and Drew came over... Matt had opted out of going home this year, and Drew… Well Drew was still avoiding his Mother. His Father had offered to hold a small thing at his house, but he had gotten invited to his new girlfriend’s house, and Drew didn’t see the point in his Dad cooking a whole turkey for the two of them, and while he was comfortable with his Dad dating… Well, he wasn’t ready to meet her family yet. So to us he came, and from what I heard, his Mother had not taken it well. I was worried that they wouldn’t feel comfortable, since they weren’t technically family or something. But when they showed, my Dad broke out the wii and challenged everyone to some game where you ski on your butt. Needless to say, the boys were content.

I floated back and forth between the kitchen and the living room. Oddly enough, I was the one feeling out of place. Mom and Seth’s Mom were talking in the kitchen, and while they tried to include me in the conversation… Well, it was about cooking and other things I didn’t really care much about. The boys were absorbed in their game, and while they offered to give me a turn… Well, I felt like the pesky girlfriend crashing in on her boyfriend’s boy’s night out.

I sat in the side room, listening to the noise of the house, and it hit me how different it would be if Chloe was here. I looked down at my ring, knowing I could tell her all about that night… I hadn’t really told anyone about the promise ring. I didn’t really have any girl friends anymore… Toni was so busy with the twins, we didn’t really talk a whole lot anymore. I didn’t discuss my relationships with my Mom, and the guys… Well, not only would they not care, but Drew and I still didn’t really talk relationships.

I was trying not to bum myself out, but it was hard. I missed Chloe. I wondered what it would be like if Seth and I DID get married. Who would I do all the wedding stuff with? What would it be like without her? She would have been so excited for us.

I fought back tears, but gave a moment to feel sorry for myself. Then I shook it off. Everyone else was having such a good time, I didn’t want to be the Debbie Downer of the bunch.

My Mom called everyone to the table, and the spread was gorgeous. With everyone laughing and joking it was hard to feel so sad. I missed Chloe, I wish she was here, but I knew, in a way, she was.

“Alright, I know we’re in mixed company here, and I don’t know if you guys pray or not, but I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable… But we do have a tradition of giving thanks, and I would like to do so…” My Mom trailed off, looking uncomfortable for a second. “I just want to say… I know you recently lost your daughter, and… I don’t want to bring anymore sadness on you by bringing her up, but from what Ella told me about her… She seems like a wonderful person. And hearing about your loss, well. This year it just makes me especially grateful that my own daughter is healthy.”

There was a moment of silence as everyone absorbed what my Mom said. I had to swallow the lump that was forming again in my throat. My Mom was rarely open with her emotions, so it was surprising to hear her talk so openly about me… And nice. Seth’s Mom reached over and squeezed my hand.

“We’re grateful for Ella too. She’s been a rock in this whole situation, and we like to think we’ve gained a daughter.” She went to pat my hand and felt the ring. Looking down she gasped.

“Did we gain a daughter? Do you and Seth…. I mean is there something you wanted to announce today? Oh god, did I ruin the surprise?” She asked, looking from Seth to me, shocked.

“What?” My Mom asked, confused, and then she glanced at my hand and the ring on my finger. “Ella?” She asked.

“I… No, I mean, it’s not…” I didn’t know how to explain it. I looked around the table, and while everyone’s faces seemed happy, they were all definitely shocked. I looked at Seth, trying to send him a silent ‘help me explain this’ message.

“Well. I mean, we were going to wait to tell you…” Seth said.