I started running but theres nowhere to run to

I was in total shock, and all I could do when the “oh my god’s” and “congratulations!” rolled in was smile and nod my head. What the hell? This hadn’t been an engagement. I mean, it was, in a way… But the way he had explained it… It was more of a promise. I didn’t want to marry Seth right now. Someday, yeah, maybe… But I was banking on seeing how this whole separation deal worked out first.

“This is such good news!” Seth’s Mom exclaimed, wrapping me up in a hug.
Even Ian was grinning ear to ear and patting Seth on the back.
All I could do was eye Seth from across the room, and all he did was smile and shrug at me. What was that supposed to mean?

I looked around and noticed that Drew was missing. My heart started thumping – Oh God, what did Drew think of all of this?
I exited the room, under the guise of needing to use the restroom, and found him putting on his coat at the door.
“Drew…” I started.
“No, Ella, it’s OK. I’m happy for you, I am.” He said, smiling.
“If you’re so happy, then why are you leaving?”
He shrugged. “Just a little awkward is all. I just think that this moment should be about you and your family celebrating. Not you, your family, and your ex boyfriend.”
“Drew.” I sighed. “You’re more than my ex boyfriend…”
“I was.” He said. “I’m not anymore.”
I didn’t really know how to respond to that. He was right, of course he was. But I couldn’t figure out just why I was so sad about it. I was happy with Seth, I knew that. But this whole thing had thrown me for a loop, and my head was spinning.
“Ella, don’t look so sad. You’re getting married!” He said smiling at me.
Do I tell him the truth? That I had never agreed to be engaged to Seth, at least not yet?
“Yeah. I just… I dunno. I guess I always figured it’d be to you or Jason…” I said, sitting on the couch. “Life is funny, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. Well…” He sat there, looking uncomfortable for a moment. “I told my Mom I’d try to stop by, so I guess I better get on the road.”
“You’re going to see your Mom?” I asked, doubting him.
“Sometimes it’s just time to let go of anger and move on.” He said. “Congrats again.” He called over his shoulder as he shut the door.

I stood there for a moment, trying to figure out what it was I felt, and I just didn’t know. So many thoughts were running through my head, so many emotions…

That’s when Seth walked in.
“You mad?” He asked, looking a little timid.
“I’m not sure. I think I’m more confused than anything. I didn’t think what you asked me was a proposal, I thought…”
“You thought right, I just thought… I mean everyone seemed so happy and it’s been a rough year so…”
“So you chose to lie to everyone to make them happy?” I realized then I was angry. Seth had put me in a very uncomfortable position – I either had to go through with an engagement I wasn’t sure about, or be the bad guy and tell everyone the truth – that the ring was just a promise ring, and that if Seth lying was any indication that things were not going to go in that direction.
“Ella, I figured… I mean I told you that I wanted to be engaged, I just figured it wouldn’t be a big deal.”
“And I figured that IF we got engaged, I would be asked, I would agree to it, and I wouldn’t be in total fucking shock when my boyfriend randomly announces at thanksgiving dinner that we’re engaged. That I would be in on it when we announced it to everyone, and that I would be happy and excited.”
“You’re not happy and excited?” Seth asked, looking hurt.
“To be honest? No. Because I’m not sure we’re ready for this. We already have a huge hurdle to overcome, and I don’t think we need the extra pressure of an engagement added on.”
“So what do you want me to do?” He asked, looking annoyed.
“I don’t know why you’re the one who’s aggravated. You’re the one who went ahead and chose to lie to everyone. You could have helped me out, you could have told them the truth, and instead you decided to take the easy way out. I know everyone’s had a bad year, and I do understand wanting to make everyone happy, but Seth you did it the wrong way.”
“I guess I just don’t understand, Ella. I mean I figured we were well on our way to getting engaged. So what if everyone thinks we’re engaged now? I mean we’ll just tell them we plan on a long engagement is all. And if it doesn’t work out…” He shrugged. “Well, people break off engagements all the time.”
“I guess I just can’t believe you’re being so… Whatever about this.” I shrugged.
“I can’t believe you’re being so uptight about it. Everyone is happy about this. And I guess I just don’t understand why you aren’t too.”
“You make this huge announcement in front of EVERYONE without talking to me about it first and you can’t understand why that might make me a little upset? You’re leaving Seth. I’m the one who’s going to be stuck here fielding questions about a wedding that I don’t even know if I want yet.”
“So basically what you’re telling me is you don’t know if you want to get married to me.”
I sighed. “We’ve been over this Seth. We haven’t been dating that long. So no, I don’t know if I want to get married to you.
The look of hurt of his face caught me by surprise.
“Do you know if you want to marry me?” I asked, and it slipped out before I realized I honestly didn’t want to know the answer.
“Yes, Ella. I want to marry you. And I know that now. I can’t believe you’re still not sure.”
“Seth, don’t act like that. I know I love you. I know I want to be with you. But I’ve rushed into every other relationship that I’ve ever had, and marriage is a forever kind of deal for me. My parents have been married forever, and I want to be them. I just don’t think we should rush into this. I think we should take it all one step at a time. You just put me out on the spot, and now… Now I feel forced, like I have to go along with it.”
“Don’t do me any favors Ella.” Seth snapped. “I’ll let them all know that it was a misunderstanding on my part.”

His face looked hurt and angry, and I didn’t know what to say. Was I really being that unreasonable? How did could Seth not think this wasn’t a big deal? And how could he know for sure already that he wanted to marry me? I knew from Jason that experiences could change you – some things made you become a different person. Who knew what this dancing gig would do to Seth? We would have the strain of long distance, and on top of that he would be experiencing things that I wouldn’t… He could come back a whole different person. He could come back wanting different things. Was it so wrong for me to want to wait and see how that went before I made any type of commitment? He acted like getting engaged was something you could just walk in and out of. While I knew being engaged wasn’t a binding contract, I also didn’t want to be engaged to every guy I was serious with – how was that special at all?

I wanted to explain this all to him, hoped that it made more sense to him… But he stormed off, back into the dining room. And as bad as this makes me sound, I honestly was too chicken to join him. So I grabbed my coat and I left.