Let's start over, I'll try to do it right this time around

-I do apologize for my earlier post. It's been a pretty crappy day. I attempted to get math homework done, and it just wasn't happening. Eli is currently been down for 2 1/2 hours and Cayden has been wrapped up in TV (I know, horrible Mom here) so I got this done. It's for everyone who has taken the time to read the blog, and especially for all those who have been patient and understanding. -

Matt left me alone, and I was surprised how weird it felt to be alone. I guess I had been alone a couple of times in Colorado, but not really. I also felt like since I was at home, I should feel at home, but it was taking some re-adjustment that I hadn’t expected.

I had some time to kill before I had to get ready, and I wasn’t sure how to do it. There was really no point in unpacking my things when I wouldn’t be home that long. Nothing really needed to be cleaned – my room was how I left it, and Matt was pretty tidy. I threw in a load of laundry, but that didn’t take much time at all. I considered TV, but knew there wasn’t anything I was interested in watching. I thought about calling some friends, but realized nobody knew I was home and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to reveal that or not. Finally I gave in, picked up the phone, and called Brook.

“Hello?” She answered. “Is everything alright?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” I asked, confused.

“You just hardly call me anymore, and especially not at this time of day. It made me wonder if something was wrong. But I’m glad you called – I missed you! What’s going on?”

“I’m actually home for a few days, on my break.”

Brook squealed. She actually squealed. I had to hold the phone away from my ear.

“Don’t get too excited,” I said, chuckling. “It’s only for a few days.”

“When can I see you? I missed you! Oh geez, I sound like some sort of weirdo, all excited huh? Are you free now? Wanna do something? Or did you just get in and are all tired?”

“Slow down there, sparky.” I joked. “I’m free now for a little bit. I’m not tired and I’m actually bored out of my skull. I have plans later tonight, but if you want to meet up and hang…”

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Mall? I can leave now.”

“Awesome, I could stand getting some new clothes. I’ll be there in like twenty.”

“So. What are these mysterious plans you mentioned having tonight?” Brook asked after we exchanged hug and hello’s.

There was that goofy smile that ran across my face again. I thought I had gotten that thing under control? It was too late, Brook had spotted it.

“It’s a boy! You met a boy? Or is it a boy you already knew?”

“It’s Drew, actually.” Goofy smile managed to get even bigger and even goofier.

“Really?” Brook asked. “When did that happen?”

“He met me at the airport this morning. We had a heart to heart.”

“So are y’all back together?”

“I don’t know, actually. I don’t even know what this thing tonight is. I guess at first I kind of assumed it was a date, but now…”

“Well what did he say?”

“He said he wanted to start over, take things slow, and then when he dropped me off he said he’d really love to see me tonight.”

“Hmm…” Brook said, tapping her lip. “C’mon.” She said, grabbing my hand and pulling me in the direction of a department store.

“Where are we going?” I asked confused.

“I think to play it safe, you should keep it casual. Now we’re off to find the hottest casual outfit we can find!”

Calling Brook had turned out to be an excellent idea. Not only was she fun to be around, but she had helped me choose an awesome outfit (jeans, which sounds boring but these made my butt look fantastic and my thighs look tiny, and sweater that flowed over all the bad places and clung to all the good places), and then she headed back to my house with me to do hair and makeup. At first I was a little worried, Brook tends to go a little overboard, but there turned out to be no need. She did my hair in a simple half up do, but left my hair damp so that it natural curled and waved on its own. Make up she also kept light, and I didn’t even really looked like I was wearing anything – I just looked brighter and fresher, if that makes sense.

She left me about a half hour before Drew was due, making me promise to call her with updates as soon as I was able. I sat, my nerves jumbling in the pit of my stomach, and I waited. I expected Drew to be late – isn’t that always how it is? When you’re really waiting for something, it shows up late? So the knock on the door fifteen minutes after Brook left caused me to jump. And almost vomit.

“This is Drewbie, El. You’ve been around him a million times. This is just a million and one.” I said to myself, before I opened the door.

The second I saw him, I knew it wasn’t a million and one times. This time was different. And looking at him, I knew that he knew it too. This was a big moment for us – I didn’t understand why. I just knew that this was the deciding moment.

“Hi.” I said.

“Hi.” He answered. “You look nice.” He reached his hand up, as if to brush a stray strand of hair away from my face, and then stopped himself and dropped his arm back down.

“You do too.” I said, partly because I was unsure of what else to say, and partly because it was true. I was glad I picked casual – Drew had gone that way too, jeans and a button up with a tee shirt underneath. But he wore it well.

“You ready?” He asked.

I nodded and followed him to the truck.

It was awkward for a few minutes. But then Drew asked me about Colorado, and the kids, and I found them just as easy to talk about as my kids back home. I told him about them luring away Cumulus, how scared I was, how angry I was. But, with pride I also told him about my last night there, and the plans I had when I got back. And just like that, the awkward wall broke. We talked about his job, what he had been doing, and eventually the conversation turned to Jessica.
“So. What happened?” I asked. I figured now was the best time to take the plunge. We were waiting for the check, so if the conversation turned ugly or painful, we’d be leaving soon.

“She wanted things I wasn’t willing to give. I told you that.” Drew said, playing with his fork.
“What kind of things, Drewbie?”

He studied me for a moment, and I could tell he was trying to decide whether it was a good idea to tell me the truth, or a bad idea.

“She asked me to quit speaking to you. And I know that hurt you, but I was OK with it. Well, OK isn’t the right word, because it was hard for me. But… I understood. And I did agree that it was probably the best thing for our relationship, but I just stupidly figured it was a temporary thing. When our relationship got on solid ground, maybe then she’d be alright with us working on our friendship.” He smirked. “I realize how dumb that sounds now. Anyway. She overheard Jason and I talking you, she flipped out and pretty much squashed the idea that you and I would ever be friends again as long as she was around. Then she just kept pushing us to further our relationship. First it was us needing to move in together, then she started dropping all these proposal hints. We’d watch a romance movie and when the guy would propose she would say ‘keep that in mind, my ring size is a six.’ Just stuff like that. At first I thought she was just joking but she just kept doing it. Then one night one of her friends said something about ‘putting a ring on it already.’ That made me realize that not only had she not been joking when she made those comments, but that she also had discussed it with friends. That led to a discussion after her friend left where I said I wasn’t ready for marriage yet, and she told me I could either get ready or leave. So I left.”

“Crazy.” I said, unsure of what else to say.

“A little bit. I also think that she just never really felt secure in our relationship. She was so worried about you so she kept trying to push our relationship into a place where she felt secure. I don’t think she would have been happy even if I had married her.”

“Did you want too?”

“Want to what?” He asked. The waitress brought back our check and he signed it.

“Marry her?”

“No. If I had, I would have.”

We left the restaurant and got back in his car. The awkwardness was back, and I was disappointed when instead of heading somewhere else, we pulled up in front of my house. Drew got out of the car and opened the door for me, and walked me to the front step.

“You want to come in and watch a movie or something?” I asked.

“Do I want too? Yes. Do I think I should? No. So, I’m not going too.”

“I’m confused.” I said.

“Don’t be. Are you busy tomorrow morning? Want to do breakfast or something?”

“I told Matt I’d do breakfast with him, and catch up. Lunch?”

“I have some school stuff to do. Evening again?”

“I told Brook we could hang out – but we did say it’d be kind of party-like. You’re welcome to come over.”

“Text me tomorrow, and let me know what time.”

“Alright.”

There was an awkward beat, where I knew Drew was trying to decide what to do, and I knew Matt knew I was wondering if he was going to kiss me. Instead though, he leaned forward and gave me a crushing hug.

“I missed you.” He said into my ear. He held me a moment longer, then let go and walked away. “See you tomorrow.” He called over his shoulder.

I called Brook as soon as I got into the house. I felt like a highschool, replaying our outing word for word. When I got to the end though, Brook sounded disappointed.

“Just a hug? What is up with that?” She asked.

“I know I should be saying the same thing Brook, but… I’ve never had a hug that made my toes curl before.”

Shocking!

I'm trying really hard not to say anything in anger that I will come to regret. I hope you all realize that this is NOT directed towards everyone. I wouldn't even say that it is directed towards the majority.

Shocking that there's no new post, huh? I found it shocking that someone would say that, which I saw when I was coming to announce the fact that this morning I had to put my dog down.

It's really enough to make me say fuck the blog. Why should I give a damn about this blog? It was supposed to be fun for me - it started out as being fun for me - and now all it is, is something else on a long list of things to do. I don't get paid for it. I don't really enjoy doing it anymore - but I have a very long list of people who are invested in it, and rooted for it, and supported it, and complimented it, so I did feel like I owed them, and for them I will complete the blog. But for people who find it so shocking that there's no post? Go fuck yourself. Not nice, not mature, but neither is making a snide remark on a FREE internet blog and not even having the balls to slap a name on the comment. There will be a post when you see a post. If it's too much of a hassle for you to type in the address and check every once and awhile to see if that post has shown, then stop coming. Nobody is forcing you to be here. You didn't pay anything for it, you didn't invest anything in it.

Again, there have been SO many people who have been supportive, amazing, kind, funny, and people I would now consider friends - and this is not directed towards you in the LEAST. But basically, if it's a hassle to spend five seconds to check to see if there's a new post, then save yourself the time. Don't come back.

I'm still shooting to get a post up this week. I'm guessing it'll be Saturday night/Sunday morning. I also have 200 math questions due monday, and a test to due Tuesday, which is also my birthday, as well as dealing with a depressed dog who misses his sister and two kids who keep asking when their dog is coming home, so don't be too shocked if it doesn't happen.

I disappeared again. I apologize (I know, I know, you all get it, but I still feel as if I owe an explanation, plus a "I'm still here!") I looked in one of my classes and saw I had to read a book and due a paper and I flipped and devoted myself to it. Turns out the book was a quick (and fun) read, and it's not actually a paper I needed to write, but a list of questions to answer, which, while that took some time, loads easier than a paper. So, good news is, that's done, bad news is, because I was so concentrated on that I haven't gotten any writing done. But, more good news, I decided that since I wasn't doing any writing to focus soley on school work, and in one class I'm two assignments ahead and in another, I've got half the reading done for the next assignment.

Long story short, expect a post up this week :-) Thanks for hanging in there guys.

Whatever Wednesday - a little late

It's been awhile since I've done one of these, huh?

Well, it won't be long, it's supppppper late (almost 4 am! I wanted to get the rest of the post done and after homework, this is when I had time to do it!)

I've come up with an idea for another blog. Matt will be involved. I really like the idea, and I really want to do it, but I'm just not sure. I don't want to start something and then not be able to finish it, or not be able to update it a ton. With this blog I'm shooting for once a week, and I'm really struggling on that. I may attempt it, I just want you all to know going into it, it's only an attempt. Posts will probably be a lot shorter as well (and the post below is shorter than normal, but it just seemed a good place to cut it off.)

How are you all? I've missed you. Laura B. I saw that you commented and now I can't find which post - but I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering about how you were doing, how your kids were and how school was going (though at this point, you might be done, it's been that long, huh? If you have my email address, email me, the newer one. If you don't have it, leave your email here so I can email you and catch up!)

You said I get it, it is what it is

He left me then, and I stood on the porch watching him drive away. I was totally aware of the goofy smile plastered across my face, and I was unaware of how to remove it – didn’t matter, I didn’t want too.

However, as his car disappeared I realized that I would be alone with Matt, and I wasn’t sure how to act. I cared about Matt, I would even admit to crushing on him, but my feelings for Drew were much stronger and I knew this was the direction I needed to go in. Still, I knew he had feelings for me, and I didn’t want to hurt him. I had no idea how to handle this. Should I ask him why he decided to talk to Drew? Thank him? Pretend nothing was going on? I took a deep breath and entered the house.

Cue followed me into the house. It was good to be home, to breathe in the scent of home, to be surrounded by things that I knew were mine and that brought me comfort. I listened for a moment, to see if Matt was home, and heard noises at the back of the house in the kitchen.

“Here goes nothing.” I mumbled to myself. “Hey! Anyone home?” I called out louder, heading for the kitchen where I knew Matt was.

He was leaning against the counter, shirtless, in the middle of taking a bite out of an apple. He smiled, his mouth closed. Juice slid down the corner of his mouth.

“I didn’t know if you’d be coming back here or not.” He said after he swallowed his bite. He used the back of his hand to wipe away the juice.

“I wasn’t sure either. I didn’t think anyone knew I was coming home. I had originally planned on hiding out at Mom and Dad’s.”

Matt nodded. “I figured you might. I assume then that Drew picked you up?”

I hadn’t expected him to be the one to mention Drew.

I nodded. “You sent him, right?"

Matt shrugged and turned away from me, busying himself with the dishes in the sink. I got the distinct feeling that he was just trying to find something to distract himself so he didn’t have to look at me. “I went and talked to him, yeah. I wasn’t for sure what his plans were though.”

“Matt…” I said, reaching out and touching his shoulder. I wasn’t quite sure how to handle this.

“Ella, it’s fine.”

“Why’d you send him, though?” I asked. I hoped the question would hurt Matt, but I needed to know.

He sighed and turned around. At first I thought he was going to tell me to fuck off or something, but then he moved to the table and sat.

“You told me that you would be with me, but that if Drew came back, you would leave.”

“I’m sorry I…”

Matt held up his hand, and so I quit talking.

“When you told me that… I realized that if I was ever going to try things with you, Drew needed to clear the air first. I talked to him a couple of times, about calling you. He said he didn’t want to do things over the phone, which I understood, and he didn’t want to bother you out there. When I found out you were coming home…” He shrugged. “I know I could have not told him. He probably wouldn’t have found out. If he did, he still might not have come to talk to you. But, I didn’t want it to be like that. If we were together I wanted to know that it was because you WANTED to be with me, and not because your first choice was being an idiot.”

“This whole thing makes me sound like such a jackass.” I said, slumping down in a chair across from him.

He shook his head. “No. You can’t help who you have feelings for, El. You were honest with me. Was it the answer I wanted? No. Did it hurt? Yeah. But, it is what it is. If we could choose who we had feelings for, I’d be with Kel right now. That would be the easy thing.” He shrugged. “I told Drew all this too. That he could get over his issues and try to work things out, or he needed to let you know it was never going to happen. I’m guessing he chose the first one?”

I nodded.

“Smart guy.” He said, smirking at me.

“I feel so guilty.”

“Like I said El, it is what it is. You didn’t do anything wrong. The situation isn’t how I would have chosen it to be, but that’s life. You can’t choose how it’s going to go all the time. Besides, I still have a chance, Old Drewbie can still mess up.” He said, winking at me.

“I almost want him too. You really are an amazing guy, Matt.”

He sighed dramatically. “I know. It’s hard work being this awesome.”

“Oh whatever.” I said, rolling my eyes and laughing.

“Well. Come over here already and give this amazing guy a hug!” He exclaimed.

I did. And I was surprised at how un-weird the whole situation was. I was worried he would attempt to put a move on me, or it would be too hard for him, or just feel awkward, but it didn’t. And I realized then, I really meant what I said. Matt was amazing, and I was really lucky to have him as a friend.

“What’s on your agenda, now that you’re home?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I know I should see a bunch of people, but I don’t want it to be running all around. I’m going out with Drew tonight, and I have to see my parents at some point, but I think other than that, it’s plan free. People can stop by if they want too.”
“Sounds good. I’m going to go out for a run, I think. I know you’re plan free but maybe breakfast in the AM? Catch up a little?”

“Sure. I’ll see you then.”

Sunday Jan. 8th: Sorry guys. I know I'm really late on getting a posting up. The holidays screwed with Jeremy's work schedule and I had five days alone with the kids in a row. My house is a wreck, I'm exhausted, and I have not had time to write (and I hope that hasn't come off as snappy, I'm not trying to be and nobody has been pushy or anything, lol. I just wanted to give it to you straight) I started working on the next post. Very latest it will be done Wednesday. I do apologize, but trust me, it has not been a fun week at all and I would have MUCH rather been writing.