Let's start over, I'll try to do it right this time around

-I do apologize for my earlier post. It's been a pretty crappy day. I attempted to get math homework done, and it just wasn't happening. Eli is currently been down for 2 1/2 hours and Cayden has been wrapped up in TV (I know, horrible Mom here) so I got this done. It's for everyone who has taken the time to read the blog, and especially for all those who have been patient and understanding. -

Matt left me alone, and I was surprised how weird it felt to be alone. I guess I had been alone a couple of times in Colorado, but not really. I also felt like since I was at home, I should feel at home, but it was taking some re-adjustment that I hadn’t expected.

I had some time to kill before I had to get ready, and I wasn’t sure how to do it. There was really no point in unpacking my things when I wouldn’t be home that long. Nothing really needed to be cleaned – my room was how I left it, and Matt was pretty tidy. I threw in a load of laundry, but that didn’t take much time at all. I considered TV, but knew there wasn’t anything I was interested in watching. I thought about calling some friends, but realized nobody knew I was home and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to reveal that or not. Finally I gave in, picked up the phone, and called Brook.

“Hello?” She answered. “Is everything alright?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” I asked, confused.

“You just hardly call me anymore, and especially not at this time of day. It made me wonder if something was wrong. But I’m glad you called – I missed you! What’s going on?”

“I’m actually home for a few days, on my break.”

Brook squealed. She actually squealed. I had to hold the phone away from my ear.

“Don’t get too excited,” I said, chuckling. “It’s only for a few days.”

“When can I see you? I missed you! Oh geez, I sound like some sort of weirdo, all excited huh? Are you free now? Wanna do something? Or did you just get in and are all tired?”

“Slow down there, sparky.” I joked. “I’m free now for a little bit. I’m not tired and I’m actually bored out of my skull. I have plans later tonight, but if you want to meet up and hang…”

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Mall? I can leave now.”

“Awesome, I could stand getting some new clothes. I’ll be there in like twenty.”

“So. What are these mysterious plans you mentioned having tonight?” Brook asked after we exchanged hug and hello’s.

There was that goofy smile that ran across my face again. I thought I had gotten that thing under control? It was too late, Brook had spotted it.

“It’s a boy! You met a boy? Or is it a boy you already knew?”

“It’s Drew, actually.” Goofy smile managed to get even bigger and even goofier.

“Really?” Brook asked. “When did that happen?”

“He met me at the airport this morning. We had a heart to heart.”

“So are y’all back together?”

“I don’t know, actually. I don’t even know what this thing tonight is. I guess at first I kind of assumed it was a date, but now…”

“Well what did he say?”

“He said he wanted to start over, take things slow, and then when he dropped me off he said he’d really love to see me tonight.”

“Hmm…” Brook said, tapping her lip. “C’mon.” She said, grabbing my hand and pulling me in the direction of a department store.

“Where are we going?” I asked confused.

“I think to play it safe, you should keep it casual. Now we’re off to find the hottest casual outfit we can find!”

Calling Brook had turned out to be an excellent idea. Not only was she fun to be around, but she had helped me choose an awesome outfit (jeans, which sounds boring but these made my butt look fantastic and my thighs look tiny, and sweater that flowed over all the bad places and clung to all the good places), and then she headed back to my house with me to do hair and makeup. At first I was a little worried, Brook tends to go a little overboard, but there turned out to be no need. She did my hair in a simple half up do, but left my hair damp so that it natural curled and waved on its own. Make up she also kept light, and I didn’t even really looked like I was wearing anything – I just looked brighter and fresher, if that makes sense.

She left me about a half hour before Drew was due, making me promise to call her with updates as soon as I was able. I sat, my nerves jumbling in the pit of my stomach, and I waited. I expected Drew to be late – isn’t that always how it is? When you’re really waiting for something, it shows up late? So the knock on the door fifteen minutes after Brook left caused me to jump. And almost vomit.

“This is Drewbie, El. You’ve been around him a million times. This is just a million and one.” I said to myself, before I opened the door.

The second I saw him, I knew it wasn’t a million and one times. This time was different. And looking at him, I knew that he knew it too. This was a big moment for us – I didn’t understand why. I just knew that this was the deciding moment.

“Hi.” I said.

“Hi.” He answered. “You look nice.” He reached his hand up, as if to brush a stray strand of hair away from my face, and then stopped himself and dropped his arm back down.

“You do too.” I said, partly because I was unsure of what else to say, and partly because it was true. I was glad I picked casual – Drew had gone that way too, jeans and a button up with a tee shirt underneath. But he wore it well.

“You ready?” He asked.

I nodded and followed him to the truck.

It was awkward for a few minutes. But then Drew asked me about Colorado, and the kids, and I found them just as easy to talk about as my kids back home. I told him about them luring away Cumulus, how scared I was, how angry I was. But, with pride I also told him about my last night there, and the plans I had when I got back. And just like that, the awkward wall broke. We talked about his job, what he had been doing, and eventually the conversation turned to Jessica.
“So. What happened?” I asked. I figured now was the best time to take the plunge. We were waiting for the check, so if the conversation turned ugly or painful, we’d be leaving soon.

“She wanted things I wasn’t willing to give. I told you that.” Drew said, playing with his fork.
“What kind of things, Drewbie?”

He studied me for a moment, and I could tell he was trying to decide whether it was a good idea to tell me the truth, or a bad idea.

“She asked me to quit speaking to you. And I know that hurt you, but I was OK with it. Well, OK isn’t the right word, because it was hard for me. But… I understood. And I did agree that it was probably the best thing for our relationship, but I just stupidly figured it was a temporary thing. When our relationship got on solid ground, maybe then she’d be alright with us working on our friendship.” He smirked. “I realize how dumb that sounds now. Anyway. She overheard Jason and I talking you, she flipped out and pretty much squashed the idea that you and I would ever be friends again as long as she was around. Then she just kept pushing us to further our relationship. First it was us needing to move in together, then she started dropping all these proposal hints. We’d watch a romance movie and when the guy would propose she would say ‘keep that in mind, my ring size is a six.’ Just stuff like that. At first I thought she was just joking but she just kept doing it. Then one night one of her friends said something about ‘putting a ring on it already.’ That made me realize that not only had she not been joking when she made those comments, but that she also had discussed it with friends. That led to a discussion after her friend left where I said I wasn’t ready for marriage yet, and she told me I could either get ready or leave. So I left.”

“Crazy.” I said, unsure of what else to say.

“A little bit. I also think that she just never really felt secure in our relationship. She was so worried about you so she kept trying to push our relationship into a place where she felt secure. I don’t think she would have been happy even if I had married her.”

“Did you want too?”

“Want to what?” He asked. The waitress brought back our check and he signed it.

“Marry her?”

“No. If I had, I would have.”

We left the restaurant and got back in his car. The awkwardness was back, and I was disappointed when instead of heading somewhere else, we pulled up in front of my house. Drew got out of the car and opened the door for me, and walked me to the front step.

“You want to come in and watch a movie or something?” I asked.

“Do I want too? Yes. Do I think I should? No. So, I’m not going too.”

“I’m confused.” I said.

“Don’t be. Are you busy tomorrow morning? Want to do breakfast or something?”

“I told Matt I’d do breakfast with him, and catch up. Lunch?”

“I have some school stuff to do. Evening again?”

“I told Brook we could hang out – but we did say it’d be kind of party-like. You’re welcome to come over.”

“Text me tomorrow, and let me know what time.”

“Alright.”

There was an awkward beat, where I knew Drew was trying to decide what to do, and I knew Matt knew I was wondering if he was going to kiss me. Instead though, he leaned forward and gave me a crushing hug.

“I missed you.” He said into my ear. He held me a moment longer, then let go and walked away. “See you tomorrow.” He called over his shoulder.

I called Brook as soon as I got into the house. I felt like a highschool, replaying our outing word for word. When I got to the end though, Brook sounded disappointed.

“Just a hug? What is up with that?” She asked.

“I know I should be saying the same thing Brook, but… I’ve never had a hug that made my toes curl before.”