You said I get it, it is what it is

He left me then, and I stood on the porch watching him drive away. I was totally aware of the goofy smile plastered across my face, and I was unaware of how to remove it – didn’t matter, I didn’t want too.

However, as his car disappeared I realized that I would be alone with Matt, and I wasn’t sure how to act. I cared about Matt, I would even admit to crushing on him, but my feelings for Drew were much stronger and I knew this was the direction I needed to go in. Still, I knew he had feelings for me, and I didn’t want to hurt him. I had no idea how to handle this. Should I ask him why he decided to talk to Drew? Thank him? Pretend nothing was going on? I took a deep breath and entered the house.

Cue followed me into the house. It was good to be home, to breathe in the scent of home, to be surrounded by things that I knew were mine and that brought me comfort. I listened for a moment, to see if Matt was home, and heard noises at the back of the house in the kitchen.

“Here goes nothing.” I mumbled to myself. “Hey! Anyone home?” I called out louder, heading for the kitchen where I knew Matt was.

He was leaning against the counter, shirtless, in the middle of taking a bite out of an apple. He smiled, his mouth closed. Juice slid down the corner of his mouth.

“I didn’t know if you’d be coming back here or not.” He said after he swallowed his bite. He used the back of his hand to wipe away the juice.

“I wasn’t sure either. I didn’t think anyone knew I was coming home. I had originally planned on hiding out at Mom and Dad’s.”

Matt nodded. “I figured you might. I assume then that Drew picked you up?”

I hadn’t expected him to be the one to mention Drew.

I nodded. “You sent him, right?"

Matt shrugged and turned away from me, busying himself with the dishes in the sink. I got the distinct feeling that he was just trying to find something to distract himself so he didn’t have to look at me. “I went and talked to him, yeah. I wasn’t for sure what his plans were though.”

“Matt…” I said, reaching out and touching his shoulder. I wasn’t quite sure how to handle this.

“Ella, it’s fine.”

“Why’d you send him, though?” I asked. I hoped the question would hurt Matt, but I needed to know.

He sighed and turned around. At first I thought he was going to tell me to fuck off or something, but then he moved to the table and sat.

“You told me that you would be with me, but that if Drew came back, you would leave.”

“I’m sorry I…”

Matt held up his hand, and so I quit talking.

“When you told me that… I realized that if I was ever going to try things with you, Drew needed to clear the air first. I talked to him a couple of times, about calling you. He said he didn’t want to do things over the phone, which I understood, and he didn’t want to bother you out there. When I found out you were coming home…” He shrugged. “I know I could have not told him. He probably wouldn’t have found out. If he did, he still might not have come to talk to you. But, I didn’t want it to be like that. If we were together I wanted to know that it was because you WANTED to be with me, and not because your first choice was being an idiot.”

“This whole thing makes me sound like such a jackass.” I said, slumping down in a chair across from him.

He shook his head. “No. You can’t help who you have feelings for, El. You were honest with me. Was it the answer I wanted? No. Did it hurt? Yeah. But, it is what it is. If we could choose who we had feelings for, I’d be with Kel right now. That would be the easy thing.” He shrugged. “I told Drew all this too. That he could get over his issues and try to work things out, or he needed to let you know it was never going to happen. I’m guessing he chose the first one?”

I nodded.

“Smart guy.” He said, smirking at me.

“I feel so guilty.”

“Like I said El, it is what it is. You didn’t do anything wrong. The situation isn’t how I would have chosen it to be, but that’s life. You can’t choose how it’s going to go all the time. Besides, I still have a chance, Old Drewbie can still mess up.” He said, winking at me.

“I almost want him too. You really are an amazing guy, Matt.”

He sighed dramatically. “I know. It’s hard work being this awesome.”

“Oh whatever.” I said, rolling my eyes and laughing.

“Well. Come over here already and give this amazing guy a hug!” He exclaimed.

I did. And I was surprised at how un-weird the whole situation was. I was worried he would attempt to put a move on me, or it would be too hard for him, or just feel awkward, but it didn’t. And I realized then, I really meant what I said. Matt was amazing, and I was really lucky to have him as a friend.

“What’s on your agenda, now that you’re home?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I know I should see a bunch of people, but I don’t want it to be running all around. I’m going out with Drew tonight, and I have to see my parents at some point, but I think other than that, it’s plan free. People can stop by if they want too.”
“Sounds good. I’m going to go out for a run, I think. I know you’re plan free but maybe breakfast in the AM? Catch up a little?”

“Sure. I’ll see you then.”