I wish my life could be The way it was before I saw your face

“Oh.” I answered, dropping my arms from around him. “What’s up?”

Matt walked up behind us just then, nodding a hello to Drew and walking into the house.

Drew sighed, and turned away from me. “What happened?” He asked, gesturing to my car and the toilet paper that still clung to the tree.

“I’m not sure. We came out this morning and it was like that.”

“Think it could have been one of your kids?” Drew asked, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Drew liked what I did, but any good boyfriend doesn’t love the fact that their girlfriend works in the ghetto.

“Yeah, right.” I said laughing. “I mean, a few of the kids do know where I live, and have been here before, but I don’t know if they could find it again by themselves. And the fact that it’s so far away? I mean I guess they could have taken the bus, only it wasn’t like this when I came in on Saturday night, so it had to have happened incredibly late or extremely early. I mean, these are some hard ass little kids, I’ll give you that, but I just don’t see them spending the time to buy or steal toilet paper, and also stealing a car to come all the way up here.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” His back was to me.

“How long have you been out here? It’s cold. You could have gone inside.”

“I know, I don’t mind the cold.”

“You want to go inside now?” I asked, shivering a little.

He turned towards me. “Oh, geez Ella, I’m sorry. You’re cold. I don’t want to go inside, but maybe we could sit in your car? I just. Don’t want Matt to hear.”

“Oh-kay.” I said, drawing out my words. I was nervous, I couldn’t shake the sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew something bad would come out of Jason visiting. Does he have some sort of radar that picks up when I’m happy? How does he always seem to know the perfect moment to come crashing down and ruin everything?

We settled in the car, I turned on the heat and blasted it. Drew pulled off his coat and sweatshirt. In doing so, his shirt rode up, exposing a tight stomach. Every time I saw his body, I was shocked, why hadn’t I seen just how gorgeous he was before?
He caught me looking and tugged down his shirt, but not before shooting me a slow smile and a wink. I felt a little better.

“Drew you’re about to give me a heart attack. Why are you here?”

“There’s a couple of things… Amber’s cousin? Nicole?”

“Yeah. Barbie’s little sister, Skipper?” I joked. He smiled.

“She found me on facebook. I don’t know how, really. It’s not like I gave her any other information other than my first name, but she did.”

“And you drove all this way to tell me that some skank friended you on facebook?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No.” He said, laughing. “I told you, there were a couple of things. Just, chill out, OK? You’re making ME even more nervous than I already am.”

“OK.” I said, placing my hands on the wheel. “You know, I could use some hot chocolate, and I think if I’m concentrating on the roads, I won’t be concentrating on interrupting you. Sound good?”

“Yeah.” He answered. “Anyway. She found me on facebook, and friend requested me. I didn’t really know what to do, it seems so stupid to deny someone’s request on facebook, but I know you don’t like her… But, I did accept it.” He shrugged. “I just felt really stupid denying someone on facebook of all places.”

I nodded, turning the corner. I wasn’t mad. Sure, I didn’t love the fact that the skank was moving in on my man, but again, I trusted Drew with everything I had. I knew he wouldn’t do anything.

“She sent me a few messages, dumb stuff, like what I was doing for Christmas, and how serious were you and I exactly. I’d write her back, just the basics. I kept hoping she’d get the hint, I never gave her much to work with, but she’d always respond. Well, before I left to meet up with Jason, she messaged me and asked if it bothered me at all that you and Matt lived together. I said no, I trusted you, and left it at that. Which, I meant, by the way.” He said eyeing me. I nodded again, trying not to interrupt him anymore.

“Well, she sent me another message but since Jas was in town, I didn’t get a chance to read it until late last night. How well do you know Matt?”

“I like to think pretty well. I mean every since you moved up to boyfriend status, he’s kind of taken over the best friend part.” I answered.

“What, I can’t be your boyfriend and your best friend?” Drew asked, looking a little hurt.

“No. I mean, you are, but there’s now stuff I can’t talk to you about. Like when we’re having relationship issues, and I need to vent or something, you know?”

“You’ve already had relationship issues with me?” Drew exclaimed.

“No!” I answered quickly, and then I laughed. “I just mean there’s things I used to discuss with you about other guys. Girls spend a lot of time in their head thinking about relationships, and because of that they tend to over think things and sweat the small stuff. Or, like, I was getting advice on your Christmas present. I can’t ask you that.”

“Oooh, what are you getting me?” He asked, smiling and rubbing his hands together.

“Can you just get back to what the message said?” I answered, laughing and smacking his arm lightly. I was reassured when he took my hand and held it.

“She just… Spewed some awful stuff about Matt… I wasn’t sure if I should take it seriously or not because… I mean a few days ago she was saying how great Matt was and she hoped she could find someone like that for herself, but now she was saying he was a liar and a manipulator… She claimed he told Amber he was really serious about her, that he broke up with Kellie for her, and then just took it all back. I don’t know, she sounded really pissed.”

“And you’re here because…?” I asked, still confused.

“I’m concerned. She said Matt told Amber that the only reason he got with her was to make you jealous. I mean she was spouting off some serious hatred for the guy.”

“Because she’s crazy Drew! She and Amber are seriously nuts. You know, I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that they were the ones that did that shit to my house.”

“I mean how do you know that? Cuz of what Matt said? How do you know Matt’s not the one lying?”

“I guess I don’t. I just believe Matt. I mean, Matt told me weeks ago that Amber was too clingy. She asked him to move in with her! After he told her he still wasn’t over Kellie.”

“He claims he told her that. You don’t know.” Drew pointed out.

While it was cute that Drew was concerned, it was also a tad annoying.

“You don’t know that he didn’t!” I shot back. We were pulled in the parking lot of Starbucks. While I didn’t like their coffee, I loved getting a hot chocolate with two shots of caramel from there. I sighed, looking at Drew.
“I know you’re concerned hon, and I see your point. You could be right, Matt could have lied to me. Or, I could be right, Amber could just be nuts. But, even if you are right, there’s nothing to be worried about. I mean Matt’s never said a bad word about you, and even if he did, I wouldn’t believe him. I know there’s nothing bad about you.”

“Thanks.” He said, squeezing my hand as we exited the car. “I just… Do get worried sometimes. I mean you do live with Matt. You spend a lot more time with him than you do with me. I trust you not to cheat, but I don’t trust Matt.”

I laughed a little. “You drove all the way up here for that?” I asked, standing in line.

“Well. I told you there were a couple of things.” He answered. “Plus, I missed you.” He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him so my back was against his chest. He rocked me slightly, and kissed the top of my head.

“I missed you too. It was a pretty good end to a really crappy morning.” I said, loving the feeling of being wrapped up in his arms.

We placed our orders. It was pretty dead, so we were able to catch a couch next to a fireplace.

He blew on his coffee, not looking at me. “It’s not over yet…” He trailed off.

The sinking feeling came back. I set down my hot chocolate. “Well, you did say you had a couple of things, so…”

“Yeah. I don’t know which I’m more nervous to talk to you about.”

“So, there’s two more things?”

“Yeah, they kind of go hand in hand… In a weird way.”

“Oh.” I answered, wracking my brain. I knew one just HAD to do with Jason. What was the second one about?

He starred into the fire, again, not saying anything.

“OK, Drewbie. You really need to stop doing all of this. Are you trying to kill me?”

“What?” He asked, looking up at me, clueless.

“Tell me what’s going on!” I said, laughing despite my nervousness, or maybe because of it.

“We need to talk about Jason.”

Boom. Bombs went off. The smile went instantly off my face. I suddenly didn’t know what to do with my hands, so I picked up my hot chocolate, and then feeling awkward, I set it back down again.

“OK. What about him?” I asked, picking back up my hot chocolate. I took a sip and burned my tongue.

“Look. This is really, really awkward. And I don’t want to have this conversation, because I don’t really think I want to know the answer…”

Oh God. Jason told him. Jason told him that we slept together, and now I’m going to have to confirm it. I felt like I was going to vomit.

“But, it goes with the second part of what I came to talk about… Ella, when I’m gone, I miss you. I can't concentrate on anything else, and I hate that I’m so far away. I mean, what if something happens to you? It’ll take me hours to get here. I mean, even if it’s something little, like your car breaking down… I know there’s other people you could call, but… I’d just like it to be me. I have a friend, he wants to sublease my apartment. My Dad’s not happy about me leaving, but there’s not much work going on in the winter anyway, so, he won’t be screwed if I bail out now… What I’m trying to say is… I’d really like to move down here. As in, now. I could stay tonight… Spend a couple days down here looking at apartments, a job, I have vacation time...”
“What does that have to do with Jason?” I asked, surprised, excited, and a little scared.

“I need to know you’re over him Ella. Totally and completely. If you tell me you are, I’ll believe you. I just need to know.” I looked at his eyes, which looked pained, hopeful and scared.

“Oh, Drewbie.” I said, taking his hand. “I’m over Jason. Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m always going to love him,” Drew nodded as I said this, but I did see a wave of hurt flash across his face. “But, it’s just… It’s done.”

He was quiet for a moment, mulling things over. “Would you still say that if I told you he had left Kayla?”

Whatever Wednesday: Happy Birthday Mom!

So, I want to start out by saying happy birthday to my Momma! She doesn't read this blog, doesn't know it exists even, but still. If it weren't for her being born, I wouldn't have been born, so, it's a day to celebrate!

Despite Monday, it's been a pretty good week. I realize it's only half over, and that could flip really quickly, but I feel good. I got asked yesterday to be a Bridesmaid in one of my best good friend's wedding (ha, best good friend, I love that word!)First of all, I'm just extremely happy for the couple. Not a lot of my friends are in serious relationships, and the few that are... Well. One, I LOVE her boyfriend, but I think she's a little immature to be in that serious of a relationship. And while they're engaged... I just don't see it happening, at least any time soon. My best friend who's in a relationship, I really can't stand her boyfriend. First of all, they've been together for four years, lived together for a lot of those years, and there's still no ring on her finger. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of couples don't even want to get married, and that's fine by me, I don't think people HAVE to get married or anything like that. But, she wants too. Desperately. And he knows that. At one point, he asked her to marry him, and when she started planning things, he pretty much took it back. Weird, right? Plus, he's just a dick. He's one of those guys who ALWAYS has to one up you, he's a little controlling, he's selfish, I mean all around, I just think he sucks. And whenever I call her, or talk to her online, suddenly he NEEDS her for something. Like I can't have a conversation with her because he's in the background, singing loudly, or trying to talk to her... I mean our friendship has SERIOUSLY suffered because of him. So for one of my friends to not only be getting married, but to a GREAT guy who I adore? I'm SO excited. I've also ALWAYS wanted to be a bridesmaid. I know a lot of people don't like it. I know it gets expensive, and while I don't see my friend turning into a bridezilla, I know it can happen. But I do want to do the makeup, the hair, helping planning, all of that. I'm so excited!

I'm also excited about starting my diet, which I've talked a little bit about on Monday, I think. After my Father in law's whole thing, it really made me start thinking about my health. It makes me really sad that my father in law knows he has a ticking time bomb in him, and won't do anything to stop or slow it down. It makes me sad that my husband, my son, his wife, me... They're not enough to make him want to change to be around longer.

And then I wondered if I was being a hypocrite. I mean, sure. I can breathe. For the most part. But ask me to run for five minutes? And I'm sure I couldn't breathe after that. I get winded climbing the stairs. I've never been told that if I don't lose weight I will die. But, I know it's true. My heart isn't bad... Yet. But that doesn't mean that it's not on the path to me there. My father died of a heart attack, his father died of a heart attack, his father died of a heart attack... So far it's only been the men, and while I've been concerned about my brother's health... I never stopped to think about my own. Maybe I'll be the one to break the cycle, maybe I'll be the first girl in my family to die of a heart attack.

So I started toying around with the idea of a diet. I've kinda dieted before, but nothing really serious. I've tried the Atkins twice, but never stuck with it more than a week or two, and I've never really worked out or exercised.

I wanted to do something for real this time, so I decided to forgo any fad diets. If you have will power, then I guess they could work. But for me? I give in way too easily. Tell me I CAN'T have something? That's when I get a crushing craving for it. So I decided to count calories. I expected it to be hard... It really hasn't been. It's a shocker, and I keep waiting for a craving, but I haven't had one.

The gym has been harder. I don't like working out, and we had an incident with the elliptical machine on my first day. But, I keep going back. The bike is alright, and I love weight lifting (though, I don't want to become one of those muscle women. I just want toned.)

I started a new blog for my weight loss ranting. I'm not promising it to be good (I don't even think one of my blog entries even makes much sense.) But, I've always felt writing helps me out, and I love being able to go back and see where I was, vs where I am now. So, if any of you want to go over there and check it out, the link is: www.mevsgym.blogspot.com

If any of you have a new years resolution to lose weight, feel free to come on over and vent too. If I get other people to read it, I'll include some tips, and you guys can feel free to share yours. A good website a friend recommending to me is www.sparkpeople.com It's a free weight loss website, they have a lot of articles, menues, recipes, ect. They can also tell you by weight and height and BMI how many calories you need to take in a day in order to lose weight, and you can record your calories and such. It can be a little confusing, because there's a lot going on, so I recommend signing up when you have time to play with it, or when you can watch the tutorial video.

I just feel really good, and have been in a great mood lately. I know it's hard, I'm not some skinny chick who needs to drop 10 lbs (no offense to skinny people out there. I'm just saying personally for me, it was discouraging for a skinnier friend to be like "you can do it! I'll do it with you" and they only need to drop 10 lbs, and you need to drop 100.)

Anyway, I think that's it. What are everyone's New Years Resolutions, by the way?

FB: I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you

Jason and I had one of our famous three hour winding conversations where we didn’t really talk about much of anything at all. I could feel myself fall back in love with him with each hour we spent on the phone, and it terrified and confused me. Were these feelings back for real? Had they never left at all? Was I just upset about Jacob and trying to trick myself into feeling wanted? I tried not to think too much about it. It seemed to me that over thinking things is what got me into trouble.
We didn’t talk about things that we probably should have. He didn’t tell me what happened between him and Kayla, and I didn’t ask. The only thing that was said about Jacob is that I really should talk to him. I promised I’d think about it. Other than that, we just rambled on about various things, he caught me up on his family, we talked about Drew, my work, school, the Marines…

At some point we both fell asleep on the phone. I dreamed I was next to him, and I hated it when my alarm went off to wake me up. I hated it even more when I heard him still breathing softly on the phone. I didn’t want to wake him, but I also didn’t want to hang up on him. I wanted to stay on the line until he woke up, but I knew that was ridiculous, and I knew I couldn’t stay home from work anymore. I made myself get out of bed and hang up the phone. My heart felt heavy as I got ready for work.

I knew I wasn’t going to be much use at work, my mind was filled with Jason and Jacob, there wasn’t room for anything else. I was happy that my morning was filled with easy busy work, things that didn’t take too much thought, like re-typing our policy and procedure book to make sure it was up to date with the newest American camp association regulations. I was typing, lost in a day dream where Jason and Jacob had an old fashion duel to win my hand in marriage (I didn’t really want them to fight over me. But I couldn’t decide who I wanted to be with, and since it was just a daydream it was nice to have them take charge and decide for me by fighting to the death. Yeah, I know, I’m slightly dramatic.) I jumped about a mile when James came and tapped me on the shoulder.

“Ella, there’s a delivery for you.”

“I didn’t order anything.” I said, rubbing my eyes and stretching. I heard my back pop. I had been sitting and typing for hours.

“It’s flowers. Must be from your man.” He said, laughing. “You must be giving him something good for him to be sending flowers.”

“Could be.” I answered. “Or he could have done something bad.” I wondered who the flowers were from. It could have been from Jacob, trying to apologize. But, Jason was also known for sending flowers. Then again, they could have been from someone neutral, like Drew trying to make me feel better about my break up. I almost didn’t want to go downstairs and find out, again, I wasn’t sure who I wanted it to be.
I rose slowly and took the back steps down to the receptionist area. Sitting on the desk was a huge bouquet of white roses. In the middle was a large card.

“They from your boyfriend Ella?” Misty asked.

“I would assume so. But you know, I have so many admirers.” I joked. The scrawl across the front of the card was Jacob’s handwriting. My stomach filled with butterflies, I didn’t know if this made me happy or more pissed off.

“What’d he do?”

“What do all guys do? Think with their lower head instead of their upper.” I answered. I opened the card.

Ella-
There’s nothing I can say that’s not going to sound like an excuse, and what I did can’t be excused. I’m a selfish idiot who was only thinking of myself when I did what I did. So much has been going on, and I was throwing myself a pity party. I didn’t want to notice that you were right there with me, trying to pull me out of it. All I can say is I’m sorry. I want you to know I really do mean this, and if there was any way to turn back time and un do what I’ve done, I’d do it, in a heartbeat. I bought you a ticket out to California for the weekend. Please come. I know you have a lot going on, but please, just give me two days to try to make it up to you.
I love you Ella.
Jacob.

He had included a print out of the ticket confirmation and itinerary. He told me what counter I could pick up my ticket at, and again, had another note about how he hoped to see me. His letter had a hint of desperation to it, and I felt backed into a corner. I didn’t know if I wanted to go, didn’t know if I wanted to forgive Jacob, and with Jason now thrown back into the mix, I didn’t know if it was fair really to go out there and try to work on things when I couldn’t be sure of what or who I wanted. Still, I felt guilted into going. I knew how much last minute tickets could cost. He may have gotten a deal, but he may have also spent a lot of money.

I knew I was going to end up going, and I hated that. I hated feeling backed into a corner, and I hated that Jacob wasn’t giving me time to think things through, and I hated all around how confused I was feeling.

“What’d he say?” Misty asked, peeking over my shoulder.

“I guess I’m going to California on Friday.” I said, shutting the card quickly.

“Where do you find these guys Ella? I want one!” Misty said, mock pouting. I knew she was jealous, and assumed that because Jacob might have dropped a lot of money to fly me to see him that it meant he was a good guy. I didn’t want her to be jealous, but I knew Misty was the office gossip, and if I told her what was really going on, by the end of the day everyone would know what had happened, and everyone would be weighing in with their opinions on what I should do.

“No you don’t, Miss. Trust me, you don’t.” I answered, standing. “I’m taking my lunch. You need anything while I’m out?”

“No I’m good.”

“Well. Call me if you change your mind.” I moved the flowers back to my desk, grabbed my keys and my purse, and sat in my car. I called the only person who I knew wouldn’t confuse things even more.


“Drewbie.” I whined. “I don’t know what to do.”

“What’s going on?” He asked. He was breathing hard, he was out on a job.

“Are you busy? You’re at work.” I said, feeling bad.

“No, it’s OK. I’m due for a break.”

“You want to spend your break listening to me whine?” I asked, smiling. Good old Drewbie.

“Story of my life.” He joked back. “What’s up?”

I quickly explained to him the Jacob situation, leaving out Jason as much as I could, except for the part where Jason told me that Jacob was messing around.

“Should I go? What should I do?”

“Well. First, Jason probably should have kept his mouth shut.”

“Why? Jacob was cheating on me. Are you trying to say you wouldn’t have told me?”

“That’s different Ella. We don’t have the history that you and Jason have. Now if you go, it’s going to seem like you’re not heeding Jason’s warning, and if you stay, it’s going to look like you care about what Jason thinks more than Jacob.”

“Jason told me to talk to him!” I said. “I just don’t know. I want to be mad. I do. I mean he can’t tell me if he slept with someone else or not Drew! Not only is that hurtful, but it’s disgusting. And then, he admitted to kissing other girls. Which means he remembers doing that, but didn’t tell me. I know a lot of guys don’t count kissing as cheating, but I do. He blames it all on the crap he was going through with Michelle, and I get it, it’s a rough time, but you know, I was going through it too. I may not have been as involved as he was, but he just shut me out.”

“Do you think you can repair anything?”

“I don’t know.” I answered.

“Do you want too?”

“I don’t know.” I whined. “You’re supposed to tell me what to do!”

“You know that’s not how I work Ella.”

“Drewbie.” I whined again.

“Look, this is rough for you. I get that. I think the timing was just really off, you and Jacob have just been dealing with things since you’ve met. I think maybe you should just go. It’s a free mini vacation, you’re about to start another summer at camp, you could use the time away. So go, try to have fun, and then see how you feel after.”

“I just hate going though. I mean it feels like I’m giving in, like I’m saying, hey, it’s totally fine if you treat me like crap as long as you do something really sweet after, or spend a lot of money.”

“You mean that doesn’t work?” Drew said with mock shock.

“Oh shut up Mr. I’ve never had a relationship.”

“Yeah, well. Mrs. I’ve had multiple relationships and still come to Mr. I’ve never had a relationship for relationship advice…” He laughed at his own joke. “I just think it’s worth a shot. You may go out there this weekend, realize you’re not feeling him anymore, and then you can come home and know for sure that it’s over. I think though, that if you don’t go, you’ll end up regretting it.”

“Yeah. So. Should I call him and tell him I’m coming?”

“Nah. Let him sweat it out a little.”

Again, sorry for the lateness

Hey guys-

I wanted to apologize about the lateness again. I know a lot of you say I don't have to apologize for being late, or explain, but I also wanted to vent a little bit.

My weekend was fantastic. I started my diet, started working out at the gym (I'll talk more about that Wednesday.) and I know normally that sounds like it would be a bummer, but I actually really like it. Which is really weird, considering I've never really dieted or exercised before (and no, I'm not one of those girls you hate because they eat whatever and don't exercise and are still stick thin. I eat whatever I want, don't exercise, and trust me, it shows majorly!)

Today? Has sucked hardcore. It started late last night when I realized my sister had "cleaned" (her idea of cleaning is throwing everything away or shoving everything into the closet) and had thrown away one of my Christmas gift cards. Luckily my husband saw it and fished it out of the trash, but my spa gift card? Is missing in action, which means it may have been thrown away before we realized. Then, when we went to bed (later than we had wanted too, because we got sucked up in a game of trivial pursuit with my friend Courtney. I lost, big time.) My son woke up at about 1 (right when we were going to bed) and didn't really sleep the rest of the night. I probably got about four hours of interrupted sleep. Normally though, that means he'll sleep in for me. But he didn't get a chance too, because we had to be up early for a 9:15 doctors appointment. We walk out the door, running late of course, and it's snowing and icy. I won't drive in the snow. So my husband now has to take my sister to work and us to our doctors appointment. Then we get stuck behind a handicapped bus that's there to pick up my neighbor's daughter, so we had to wait until they loaded her in before we could go. Then I get to the doctors, and have to spend 1/2 hour trying to fill out paperwork while wrangling Cayden (we were going to be late for our appointment so Jeremy was dropping me off, then taking my sister to work, and then coming back to get me.) Not only that, but because of the snow, a BUNCH of the nurses were late, so we had to wait longer than expected.

Cayden was cranky due to lack of sleep, had to get two shots, and we found out we have to meet with a surgeon because the pedi thinks they'll want to operate on his belly button.

And it's only 11 AM.

Yuck. We have an appointment on the 19th to go meet with the surgeon. I have no idea what's going to happen or what to expect (anyone else have a child who needed a herniated belly button operated on? What do they do?) Obviously they won't operate that day, since it's just a consult to see if they want to operate (the doctor is feeling two holes, one in his belly button, one right above it. She says the one in his belly button still might close on it's own, they were originally going to wait till he was 2 before they talked about surgery, but she says the ones above the belly button usually don't close on their own.) But, once we get a surgery date scheduled and I find out what kind of procedure it is (is it outpatient, overnight? What's the recovery like?) I'll be able to let you guys know if I'll be missing any dates.

Oh yeah, and Cayden totally just punched me in the eye.

I got miles of trouble spreadin' far and wide

It seems like time sped up after Thanksgiving. It helped that Matt and I were talking again, and that work was picking up. Drew couldn’t come down the following weekend, his Dad had booked some parties and Drew was needed to set up heated tents and bring some flowers inside. I thought it would be a long weekend, but I decided to make the most of Drew’s absence by decorating and getting the rest of my Christmas shopping done. It helped that Matt decided to go with me.

We stopped at Michaels, a craft store. Every year I made my kids something, usually cups or baskets that I decorated with their names. I’d put little trinkets in it, candies… It actually cost a nice little chunk of money, but seeing their faces light up and watching how excited they were when they dug through the baskets made it worth it. This year I decided to splurge, I had found cups with bendy straws where I could remove the bottom and place pictures of the kids in. They were more expensive, but the kids got so excited over water bottles, I knew I had to get them. I had various pictures of them already at home, but I was looking for things to put in the cups (like stickers) or things to decorate the cups with. The kids loved personalized objects, so I was really looking to get some puffy paint to write their names under their pictures.

“What are you going to get Drew for Christmas?” Matt asked, taking a pink feather boa off the rack and wrapping it around his neck. One of the things I loved most about Matt is he was just so naturally goofy. The most mundane tasks were fun when he was around.

“That looks amazing. But I think you need to top it with this.” I said, handing him a foam princess visor.

“Mmm. You think Dad would be concerned if I showed up to the family Christmas party in this?”

“Little bit.” I said, laughing as he took the items off and put them back. I picked a straw feather off his arm.

“Drew. What are you doing to get him?” Matt asked again.

“I have no idea, really. I want it to be special. It’s our first Christmas together, you know? But, I just don’t know what.”

“You want it to be special-expensive, special-meaningful, or special-handmade?”

“I’d love to be able to do all three.” I said, laughing. “I thought about making him a quilt, but I just don’t have the time. I thought about something expensive… Like a really nice watch or something, but I just don’t know. I mean when we went out shopping last week, he dropped some hints, but they’re just not good enough. Like he eyed a pair of gloves… Gloves aren’t special.” I placed some different colored puffy paint in my basket, along with some foam stickers and glitter. I hated glitter, whoever said it was the herpes of the craft world was right. But, the things you do for kids…

“I mean I think gloves can be special. It’s the fact that you paid attention, you know?”

“Yeah. It’s just that I really want to find something amazing. And I just don’t know what.”

“Well. I’ll think too. Two heads is better than one.” He grabbed some supplies of his own. He was making his kids something as well, we were having a crafting party with some of the other group leaders tonight.

“How’s the Amber situation?” I ventured carefully as we headed to check out.

“How do you break up with a girl who’s not even your girlfriend?”

“I have no idea.” I said, laughing. “I thought you were going to talk to her?”

“I did!” Matt exclaimed, setting his items up to be scanned.

“So what happened?”

“I told her that I thought I was over Kellie, but seeing her last weekend stirred up some old feelings. And while I was sure I didn’t want to be with Kellie anymore, I didn’t think it was fair to start a relationship with anyone when I still had feelings for someone else.”

“Nice.” I said. It was a well crafted excuse, and also pretty honest.

“She said it was fine. She told me she just wanted a fling anyway. Her last boyfriend broke her heart and she wasn’t ready, just wanted to have someone to cuddle with and mess around with.”

“So what’s the problem then? I thought that’s what you wanted?”

“Yeah, it is. The problem is, she’s a liar.” Matt grabbed our bags and headed out to the car.

“What do you mean?”

“She asked me to go home with her for Christmas. She really wants me to meet her family.”

“Ew.”

“Yeah. She needs to get dumped.”

“Sorry buddy.” I said, popping the trunk so he could put our stuff in the back.

“It’s OK. Honestly, the whole friends with benefits thing kind of sketched me out a little bit. I don’t think randomly hooking up with girls is for me.”

“Yeah. I don’t see how it could be for many people.”

We did the rest of our shopping, and while I was officially done with everyone, I was still on the hunt for the perfect gift for Drew. I had picked up a few things for him, but nothing really seemed good enough. I wanted to make him a scrap book, I had plenty of pictures of us, but I also wanted to include some of his own family pictures. I awkwardly called his father, who I didn’t normally speak with anyway, and he agreed to ship me a box of photos that were in the basement. He sounded so shocked when I asked for pictures, I know he was thinking of his lost twins, he broke my heart to ask, but I was excited to try to do something meaningful for Drew.
Then while searching online, I stumbled across a program where I could make a DVD of pictures set to a soundtrack. It would take some time, scanning in all the photos and finding the perfect songs and arranging them, but it would be worth it. I couldn’t wait for the box of photos from his Dad to get here, and started working on it as soon as the program finished downloading.

The following week went fast as well. I spent my free time at home either talking on the phone with Drew, or working on his Christmas present. He was getting excited over Jason’s visit, excited to spend some real quality time with him. I, however, was nervous about it, and sad. I knew I couldn’t be with Jason, and I couldn’t even for sure say that I was sad that whatever we had was really over. But, I was sad at the way it ended. Sad that I couldn’t be a part of his visit, sad that everything had changed, and sad that I didn’t think we’d ever go back to how we used to be. I think Drew sensed it, but he didn’t push me to talk about it.

That Friday was the kid’s last day at group. We had a party, and I gave them their gifts that I made for them, which they loved. I knew the weekend was going to be a busy one, and for that I was glad. We had the agency’s Christmas party for the staff Saturday, and the agency’s big Christmas party for the kids Sunday. Jason would be coming in late Friday night, and I was glad to have something to keep my mind off of him and Drew.

Saturday was hectic. Matt had invited Amber over, to break up with her. I stayed out of his way and in my room while he did it, but still strained my ear to try to hear what they were saying. I couldn’t catch most of it, but I was surprised that there weren’t any fireworks. Amber struck me as a drama queen, but she seemed to handle the rejection well. Saturday night with the co-workers was a lot of fun, we all drank and ate and did karaoke. I woke up too early on Sunday with a headache and a dry mouth.

I was already running behind, so I rushed to get ready, throwing on a large gray sweater and jeans. Matt was sitting in the living room, waiting on me so we could drive together. We walked outside and I was shocked by what I saw.
The trees outside my house were covered in toilet paper. The front steps were covered in broken raw eggs. My car? Was keyed.

“What the hell happened?” I exclaimed. We had gotten back late last night, nothing had been like this.

“I have no idea.” Matt said, looking dumbfounded. “Should we call the police?”

“I mean yeah.” I glanced at my watch. “We can’t wait for them right now though. Shit.”

“They’ll understand if we miss the party…” Matt said.

“I wanted to be there.” I said, tears filling my eyes. It was my favorite event, watching the kids have so much fun, getting the Christmas they deserved.

“I know…” He trailed off. “Hey, why don’t you call your parents and see if they can wait for the police? We’ll go into work. If they need you to sign a statement we can just do it later.”

I nodded slowly and picked up my cell phone to make the arrangements. On the way down the stairs to Matt’s car, which was untouched, I slipped on egg yolk. It just wasn’t my morning.

I tried to forget about what had happened at home while at the party. I concentrated on the kids having a good time, and I really did almost forget until I got home. My Dad being the wonderful guy that he was, had not only gone over to wait for the police, but had cleaned up as best as he could. Still, the sight of my car, and the random pieces of toilet paper clinging to the trees that my Dad hadn’t been able to get down made my heart sink all over again.

However, my heart nearly shot through my chest when I saw the familiar old truck sitting in our driveway.

“Drew’s here?” Matt asked, swinging his car in next to Drew’s.

“I guess.” I said, unable to wipe the smile off my face. Maybe the weekend was going to end up on a high note.

I slammed the car door behind me, as Drew rose from where he was seated on the porch. I grabbed him and wrapped him in a hug, but he responded stiffly. I was confused.
“What are you doing here?”
I asked, the smile frozenly awkwardly on my face.

“I have some questions I wanted to ask you.” He said. “We need to talk.”

Happy New Years!

Hey-

Sorry this is late! I celebrated a little too much last night, (my Mom had Cayden) and so I was planning on sleeping in a little today, but then after I fell asleep at 3, my cousin/best friend called me at 4:30 crying. She had been to a party and there was a guy there... I guess I'd call him her ex, they had kind of a complicated situation. Anyway, it's been almost a year since they last talked and she thought that she was over it and OK, but it just kinda hit her... Especially when she heard some news, and watched him kiss a girl that he had brought. So, I was on the phone with her for almost 2 hours. So I slept in a little longer than I thought! But, here it is. Hope you enjoy! I'm in a good mood. Despite my bff having a hard beginning to this new Year, I just feel like it's going to be a great one! I hope you all had fun!

FB: You think it's only fair to do what's best for you and you alone

“What are you talking about Ella?” Jacob said, his voice low.

“You’re getting drunk every weekend night, so drunk that you don’t remember talking to me. I mean it’s not a far jump to assume you’re probably hooking up with other girls.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You don’t know that you aren’t, either. Do you?”

“I’ve woken up alone. That’s how I know.”

I sighed. “Jacob…”

“Ella.” He mocked me back. “You didn’t just assume this, did you? You talked to Jason.”

“What?”

“Oh c’mon El. Drop the stupid tone. I talked to you five minutes ago, you made no accusations of me cheating, then you call me back and suddenly you just know that I’m hooking up with all these girls? You talked to Jason, and he pointed you in this direction.”

“I don’t know why it matters where I got the information from.”

“Jason is the only one who knows you out here. God damnit Ella.” I heard a crash. Jacob was throwing things.

“The issue Jacob, shouldn’t be WHERE I got the information from, but if it’s true or not.”

“You’re seriously taking his word over mine?”

“Well Jacob, you haven’t really denied it yet. Just said you’ve woken up alone, which isn’t really reassuring. How would you like it if I went out every weekend night, got so rip roaring drunk that I couldn’t remember shit, and told you that I didn’t think I’d cheated on you?”

“You don’t think Jason’s trying to break us up?”

“Jacob, Jay’s with Kayla, why would he want to split us up?”

“You didn’t have a real long conversation with him, did you? Jason’s NOT with Kayla anymore. They split.”

“They split ALL the time Jacob. It doesn’t mean anything other than they’ll be back together in a week.”

“They’ve been split for awhile, Ella. Jesus, you’re taking his word over mine, how often do you talk to him anymore? If he hasn’t even told you he’s not with her anymore?”

“You keep turning this into something that is NOT the issue. I’m asking you point blank, have you cheated on me?”

He was quiet for a long while. My stomach started churning.

“What do you constitute as cheating?”

I felt my heart crack, a gasp escaped my lips.

“Ella… It’s not that serious…” His voice had lost it’s harshness, and took on a desperate quality. He sounded young, a little boy trying to explain a broken window.

“I mean… I’ve flirted with girls. I’m a happy drunk… I may have kissed a few.. But I really don’t think I’ve slept with any.”

“Oh great Jake. That makes me feel loads better.” I said sarcastically. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“Do what?”

“This. Us. It’s been an uphill battle the whole time, and I just can’t do it Jacob. I know you’re having a hard time dealing with losing Michelle, and I’m so sorry for that. I want to be there for you, but you won’t let me. You’re set on self destruct, and I don’t know how to save you without sacrificing myself.”

“Ella… I’ll stop drinking. I’m sorry it’s just been rough and…”

“I can’t do this Jacob. Goodbye.” I couldn’t sit there and listen to him. I knew I would give in. I liked Jacob. I was working on being in love with him, but cheating was wrong on so many levels. There were the obvious, breaking my trust, stuff like that. But then there was also the risks he was not only exposing himself to, but me as well. If he couldn’t remember sleeping with girls, who’s to say he could remember to put on a condom? I didn’t need a STD to go with my broken heart.

I felt oddly calm as I drove the rest of the way home. I was sad, but in an empty way. A hollow feeling took over, and while it made me panic a little, I knew that the pain would sink in soon enough, so I needed to enjoy feeling nothing while I could.

My phone continued to ring. Jacob called and texted every five to ten minutes. I glanced at a few messages, they were full of excuses and please and sorry… It was weird, how I didn’t even feel like answering him. I shut off my phone as I shuffled into the house, not bothering to talk to Jarren as I went into my bedroom and crawled into my bed. With my shoes still on I fell into the first real sleep I had in months.

Of course, a hard sleep means full of weird dreams. The first one was very Forrest Gump like. I was performing a skit at camp and the kids started to boo me. Out of nowhere, Jake walked up, in his full Marines uniform, scooping me up. I was angry, just like Jenny was in the movie. I told him to go home, starting to storm off to my cabin when Jacob spoke.

“I’m leaving. They’re sending me to Iraq. It’s a whole other country.” His voice was still his, but his accent was Forrest Gumps.

I took him back down to the cabin with me, where we had sex, the slow kind where by the end of it, your body was covered in slick sweat. I looked up to see a group of kids watching us, only they weren’t really kids. Jason, Michelle, Toni, Drew, Nick, Jarren… They were all watching us, with their big heads imposed on kid’s bodies.

The next thing I know, I’m down in the camp out field, running around and chasing a ball with Tater. Suddenly a bird flew over and drop something on my head. It was a baby picture of Jason, and then the storm clouds started rolling in and I knew I had to make it to shelter, only I couldn’t find Tater. I kept calling and calling until my voice was raw and still, he never came. I eventually had to make a run for the Lodge that was up the road about a half of mile. I could feel the panic of leaving something behind, and I could taste my fear of the storm. Walking into the lodge, the phone was ringing. I went to pick it up, and while I could hear Jason’s voice, he sounded so far away, I couldn’t make out what he was saying. His voice cracked with the distance, and then it died.

I woke up to our house phone ringing. I was groggy, and a little sore from sleeping so hard, but I groped for the phone in the dark.

“Hello?” I mumbled, fumbling for my clock to see what time it was.

“He tried to kick my ass.” Jason grumbled.

“Who?” It was three AM.

“Ghandi. Who the hell do you think?”

“Oh.”

“You turned your cell phone off.”

“He kept calling. I didn’t want to talk to him.”

“You weren’t supposed to tell him I told you.”

“Oh Jason. He guessed. I mean he’s not stupid, it was an easy guess to make. You’re the only person I know there.” I paused. “Why didn’t you tell me you and Kayla split?”

He sighed. “Because. At first, it was just because we break up so often. I figured you were tired of hearing it. Hell, I was tired of hearing it. Then, I dunno. I just didn’t say anything.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to make sure you were OK.”

“I’m… Here.” I said, answering the only way I knew how.

“If it counts for anything Ella, he is really upset. I think maybe you should talk to him.”

“He cheated Jason. What is there to say?”

“Sometimes Ella, things aren’t so cut and dry. Sometimes good people make bad mistakes. I think if you don’t talk to him, you’ll regret it.”

“I don’t know Jason.”

“I know you don’t.” He cleared his throat. “You deserve better, you know? Better than this, and better than me. One of these days, I hope you find someone who’s going to treat you like you deserve.”

I smiled in the dark. Sometimes I forgot about this side of Jason. The sweet side. It made me miss him and my heart ached a little for him.

I snuggled down into the blankets. “Well. Thanks. What have you been up too? We haven’t really talked lately.”