FB: You think it's only fair to do what's best for you and you alone

“What are you talking about Ella?” Jacob said, his voice low.

“You’re getting drunk every weekend night, so drunk that you don’t remember talking to me. I mean it’s not a far jump to assume you’re probably hooking up with other girls.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You don’t know that you aren’t, either. Do you?”

“I’ve woken up alone. That’s how I know.”

I sighed. “Jacob…”

“Ella.” He mocked me back. “You didn’t just assume this, did you? You talked to Jason.”

“What?”

“Oh c’mon El. Drop the stupid tone. I talked to you five minutes ago, you made no accusations of me cheating, then you call me back and suddenly you just know that I’m hooking up with all these girls? You talked to Jason, and he pointed you in this direction.”

“I don’t know why it matters where I got the information from.”

“Jason is the only one who knows you out here. God damnit Ella.” I heard a crash. Jacob was throwing things.

“The issue Jacob, shouldn’t be WHERE I got the information from, but if it’s true or not.”

“You’re seriously taking his word over mine?”

“Well Jacob, you haven’t really denied it yet. Just said you’ve woken up alone, which isn’t really reassuring. How would you like it if I went out every weekend night, got so rip roaring drunk that I couldn’t remember shit, and told you that I didn’t think I’d cheated on you?”

“You don’t think Jason’s trying to break us up?”

“Jacob, Jay’s with Kayla, why would he want to split us up?”

“You didn’t have a real long conversation with him, did you? Jason’s NOT with Kayla anymore. They split.”

“They split ALL the time Jacob. It doesn’t mean anything other than they’ll be back together in a week.”

“They’ve been split for awhile, Ella. Jesus, you’re taking his word over mine, how often do you talk to him anymore? If he hasn’t even told you he’s not with her anymore?”

“You keep turning this into something that is NOT the issue. I’m asking you point blank, have you cheated on me?”

He was quiet for a long while. My stomach started churning.

“What do you constitute as cheating?”

I felt my heart crack, a gasp escaped my lips.

“Ella… It’s not that serious…” His voice had lost it’s harshness, and took on a desperate quality. He sounded young, a little boy trying to explain a broken window.

“I mean… I’ve flirted with girls. I’m a happy drunk… I may have kissed a few.. But I really don’t think I’ve slept with any.”

“Oh great Jake. That makes me feel loads better.” I said sarcastically. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“Do what?”

“This. Us. It’s been an uphill battle the whole time, and I just can’t do it Jacob. I know you’re having a hard time dealing with losing Michelle, and I’m so sorry for that. I want to be there for you, but you won’t let me. You’re set on self destruct, and I don’t know how to save you without sacrificing myself.”

“Ella… I’ll stop drinking. I’m sorry it’s just been rough and…”

“I can’t do this Jacob. Goodbye.” I couldn’t sit there and listen to him. I knew I would give in. I liked Jacob. I was working on being in love with him, but cheating was wrong on so many levels. There were the obvious, breaking my trust, stuff like that. But then there was also the risks he was not only exposing himself to, but me as well. If he couldn’t remember sleeping with girls, who’s to say he could remember to put on a condom? I didn’t need a STD to go with my broken heart.

I felt oddly calm as I drove the rest of the way home. I was sad, but in an empty way. A hollow feeling took over, and while it made me panic a little, I knew that the pain would sink in soon enough, so I needed to enjoy feeling nothing while I could.

My phone continued to ring. Jacob called and texted every five to ten minutes. I glanced at a few messages, they were full of excuses and please and sorry… It was weird, how I didn’t even feel like answering him. I shut off my phone as I shuffled into the house, not bothering to talk to Jarren as I went into my bedroom and crawled into my bed. With my shoes still on I fell into the first real sleep I had in months.

Of course, a hard sleep means full of weird dreams. The first one was very Forrest Gump like. I was performing a skit at camp and the kids started to boo me. Out of nowhere, Jake walked up, in his full Marines uniform, scooping me up. I was angry, just like Jenny was in the movie. I told him to go home, starting to storm off to my cabin when Jacob spoke.

“I’m leaving. They’re sending me to Iraq. It’s a whole other country.” His voice was still his, but his accent was Forrest Gumps.

I took him back down to the cabin with me, where we had sex, the slow kind where by the end of it, your body was covered in slick sweat. I looked up to see a group of kids watching us, only they weren’t really kids. Jason, Michelle, Toni, Drew, Nick, Jarren… They were all watching us, with their big heads imposed on kid’s bodies.

The next thing I know, I’m down in the camp out field, running around and chasing a ball with Tater. Suddenly a bird flew over and drop something on my head. It was a baby picture of Jason, and then the storm clouds started rolling in and I knew I had to make it to shelter, only I couldn’t find Tater. I kept calling and calling until my voice was raw and still, he never came. I eventually had to make a run for the Lodge that was up the road about a half of mile. I could feel the panic of leaving something behind, and I could taste my fear of the storm. Walking into the lodge, the phone was ringing. I went to pick it up, and while I could hear Jason’s voice, he sounded so far away, I couldn’t make out what he was saying. His voice cracked with the distance, and then it died.

I woke up to our house phone ringing. I was groggy, and a little sore from sleeping so hard, but I groped for the phone in the dark.

“Hello?” I mumbled, fumbling for my clock to see what time it was.

“He tried to kick my ass.” Jason grumbled.

“Who?” It was three AM.

“Ghandi. Who the hell do you think?”

“Oh.”

“You turned your cell phone off.”

“He kept calling. I didn’t want to talk to him.”

“You weren’t supposed to tell him I told you.”

“Oh Jason. He guessed. I mean he’s not stupid, it was an easy guess to make. You’re the only person I know there.” I paused. “Why didn’t you tell me you and Kayla split?”

He sighed. “Because. At first, it was just because we break up so often. I figured you were tired of hearing it. Hell, I was tired of hearing it. Then, I dunno. I just didn’t say anything.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to make sure you were OK.”

“I’m… Here.” I said, answering the only way I knew how.

“If it counts for anything Ella, he is really upset. I think maybe you should talk to him.”

“He cheated Jason. What is there to say?”

“Sometimes Ella, things aren’t so cut and dry. Sometimes good people make bad mistakes. I think if you don’t talk to him, you’ll regret it.”

“I don’t know Jason.”

“I know you don’t.” He cleared his throat. “You deserve better, you know? Better than this, and better than me. One of these days, I hope you find someone who’s going to treat you like you deserve.”

I smiled in the dark. Sometimes I forgot about this side of Jason. The sweet side. It made me miss him and my heart ached a little for him.

I snuggled down into the blankets. “Well. Thanks. What have you been up too? We haven’t really talked lately.”