FB: I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you

Jason and I had one of our famous three hour winding conversations where we didn’t really talk about much of anything at all. I could feel myself fall back in love with him with each hour we spent on the phone, and it terrified and confused me. Were these feelings back for real? Had they never left at all? Was I just upset about Jacob and trying to trick myself into feeling wanted? I tried not to think too much about it. It seemed to me that over thinking things is what got me into trouble.
We didn’t talk about things that we probably should have. He didn’t tell me what happened between him and Kayla, and I didn’t ask. The only thing that was said about Jacob is that I really should talk to him. I promised I’d think about it. Other than that, we just rambled on about various things, he caught me up on his family, we talked about Drew, my work, school, the Marines…

At some point we both fell asleep on the phone. I dreamed I was next to him, and I hated it when my alarm went off to wake me up. I hated it even more when I heard him still breathing softly on the phone. I didn’t want to wake him, but I also didn’t want to hang up on him. I wanted to stay on the line until he woke up, but I knew that was ridiculous, and I knew I couldn’t stay home from work anymore. I made myself get out of bed and hang up the phone. My heart felt heavy as I got ready for work.

I knew I wasn’t going to be much use at work, my mind was filled with Jason and Jacob, there wasn’t room for anything else. I was happy that my morning was filled with easy busy work, things that didn’t take too much thought, like re-typing our policy and procedure book to make sure it was up to date with the newest American camp association regulations. I was typing, lost in a day dream where Jason and Jacob had an old fashion duel to win my hand in marriage (I didn’t really want them to fight over me. But I couldn’t decide who I wanted to be with, and since it was just a daydream it was nice to have them take charge and decide for me by fighting to the death. Yeah, I know, I’m slightly dramatic.) I jumped about a mile when James came and tapped me on the shoulder.

“Ella, there’s a delivery for you.”

“I didn’t order anything.” I said, rubbing my eyes and stretching. I heard my back pop. I had been sitting and typing for hours.

“It’s flowers. Must be from your man.” He said, laughing. “You must be giving him something good for him to be sending flowers.”

“Could be.” I answered. “Or he could have done something bad.” I wondered who the flowers were from. It could have been from Jacob, trying to apologize. But, Jason was also known for sending flowers. Then again, they could have been from someone neutral, like Drew trying to make me feel better about my break up. I almost didn’t want to go downstairs and find out, again, I wasn’t sure who I wanted it to be.
I rose slowly and took the back steps down to the receptionist area. Sitting on the desk was a huge bouquet of white roses. In the middle was a large card.

“They from your boyfriend Ella?” Misty asked.

“I would assume so. But you know, I have so many admirers.” I joked. The scrawl across the front of the card was Jacob’s handwriting. My stomach filled with butterflies, I didn’t know if this made me happy or more pissed off.

“What’d he do?”

“What do all guys do? Think with their lower head instead of their upper.” I answered. I opened the card.

Ella-
There’s nothing I can say that’s not going to sound like an excuse, and what I did can’t be excused. I’m a selfish idiot who was only thinking of myself when I did what I did. So much has been going on, and I was throwing myself a pity party. I didn’t want to notice that you were right there with me, trying to pull me out of it. All I can say is I’m sorry. I want you to know I really do mean this, and if there was any way to turn back time and un do what I’ve done, I’d do it, in a heartbeat. I bought you a ticket out to California for the weekend. Please come. I know you have a lot going on, but please, just give me two days to try to make it up to you.
I love you Ella.
Jacob.

He had included a print out of the ticket confirmation and itinerary. He told me what counter I could pick up my ticket at, and again, had another note about how he hoped to see me. His letter had a hint of desperation to it, and I felt backed into a corner. I didn’t know if I wanted to go, didn’t know if I wanted to forgive Jacob, and with Jason now thrown back into the mix, I didn’t know if it was fair really to go out there and try to work on things when I couldn’t be sure of what or who I wanted. Still, I felt guilted into going. I knew how much last minute tickets could cost. He may have gotten a deal, but he may have also spent a lot of money.

I knew I was going to end up going, and I hated that. I hated feeling backed into a corner, and I hated that Jacob wasn’t giving me time to think things through, and I hated all around how confused I was feeling.

“What’d he say?” Misty asked, peeking over my shoulder.

“I guess I’m going to California on Friday.” I said, shutting the card quickly.

“Where do you find these guys Ella? I want one!” Misty said, mock pouting. I knew she was jealous, and assumed that because Jacob might have dropped a lot of money to fly me to see him that it meant he was a good guy. I didn’t want her to be jealous, but I knew Misty was the office gossip, and if I told her what was really going on, by the end of the day everyone would know what had happened, and everyone would be weighing in with their opinions on what I should do.

“No you don’t, Miss. Trust me, you don’t.” I answered, standing. “I’m taking my lunch. You need anything while I’m out?”

“No I’m good.”

“Well. Call me if you change your mind.” I moved the flowers back to my desk, grabbed my keys and my purse, and sat in my car. I called the only person who I knew wouldn’t confuse things even more.


“Drewbie.” I whined. “I don’t know what to do.”

“What’s going on?” He asked. He was breathing hard, he was out on a job.

“Are you busy? You’re at work.” I said, feeling bad.

“No, it’s OK. I’m due for a break.”

“You want to spend your break listening to me whine?” I asked, smiling. Good old Drewbie.

“Story of my life.” He joked back. “What’s up?”

I quickly explained to him the Jacob situation, leaving out Jason as much as I could, except for the part where Jason told me that Jacob was messing around.

“Should I go? What should I do?”

“Well. First, Jason probably should have kept his mouth shut.”

“Why? Jacob was cheating on me. Are you trying to say you wouldn’t have told me?”

“That’s different Ella. We don’t have the history that you and Jason have. Now if you go, it’s going to seem like you’re not heeding Jason’s warning, and if you stay, it’s going to look like you care about what Jason thinks more than Jacob.”

“Jason told me to talk to him!” I said. “I just don’t know. I want to be mad. I do. I mean he can’t tell me if he slept with someone else or not Drew! Not only is that hurtful, but it’s disgusting. And then, he admitted to kissing other girls. Which means he remembers doing that, but didn’t tell me. I know a lot of guys don’t count kissing as cheating, but I do. He blames it all on the crap he was going through with Michelle, and I get it, it’s a rough time, but you know, I was going through it too. I may not have been as involved as he was, but he just shut me out.”

“Do you think you can repair anything?”

“I don’t know.” I answered.

“Do you want too?”

“I don’t know.” I whined. “You’re supposed to tell me what to do!”

“You know that’s not how I work Ella.”

“Drewbie.” I whined again.

“Look, this is rough for you. I get that. I think the timing was just really off, you and Jacob have just been dealing with things since you’ve met. I think maybe you should just go. It’s a free mini vacation, you’re about to start another summer at camp, you could use the time away. So go, try to have fun, and then see how you feel after.”

“I just hate going though. I mean it feels like I’m giving in, like I’m saying, hey, it’s totally fine if you treat me like crap as long as you do something really sweet after, or spend a lot of money.”

“You mean that doesn’t work?” Drew said with mock shock.

“Oh shut up Mr. I’ve never had a relationship.”

“Yeah, well. Mrs. I’ve had multiple relationships and still come to Mr. I’ve never had a relationship for relationship advice…” He laughed at his own joke. “I just think it’s worth a shot. You may go out there this weekend, realize you’re not feeling him anymore, and then you can come home and know for sure that it’s over. I think though, that if you don’t go, you’ll end up regretting it.”

“Yeah. So. Should I call him and tell him I’m coming?”

“Nah. Let him sweat it out a little.”