new post tomorrow hopefully

hey guys, excuse the typos, im mobile. I will hopefully be able to post tomorrow. its done, but my internet is down for some reason. we are having a storm, but I still have cable and electric so idk whats going on with the net. if its still down in the am, ill call and see whats going on and when they expect it to be restored. sorry!

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Gee, but it's lonely being alone...

(Obviously my brain is fried, because as several of you mentioned, I forgot about Cumulus. I did edit it to add him in. I'll post this note at the top of the page on the next posting so if you read this before the edit, you can come back and see where I added him in. Thanks for letting me know!)

I ended up falling asleep on the plane, and when we touched down, I woke up discombobulated. I stretched, feeling stiff, and shuffled off the plane. I regretted sleeping, now I was seriously tired and grumpy. The nap had done nothing to improve my mood or up my energy, and I also realized I had no idea where I was going, who I was looking for, no idea where to go. This is when I needed to be sharp, and instead I just felt fuzzy and muffled.
Stepping off the plane, I turned on my phone and waited to see if I had any messages. We had gone over so much about the job, I just didn’t even think to ask about who would be picking me up, or where to go. I had a missed call and a couple of missed text messages. Even though I was checking to see if the director messaged me, I was really hoping one of them would be from Drew. I still couldn’t believe he didn’t even bother to say goodbye.

No messages from him. Of course not. I had one from my mother and Matt, both requesting I check in so they knew I arrived safely, and one from an unknown number, telling me they’d meet me at baggage claim. I assumed that was my ride.

I tried to shake off the mood I was in. I didn’t want to give a funky first impression to someone, so I plastered on a smile as I made my way to the baggage claim. Arriving, I looked around and spotted no one that seemed like they were looking for me. I contemplated texting the person back, asking for a physical description or something, but figured that maybe they were just running late – my plane had actually arrived on time, so maybe they were banking on me being late. I grabbed my bags and lugged them to the wall, out of everyone else’s way, and proceeded to text Matt and my Mom and let them know that I was OK. Matt called about thirty seconds after I hit send.

“Miss me already?” I asked.
“Just wanted to see how your flight was. And yes, work is a little boring without you.”
“It was pretty uneventful. I fell asleep.”
“You OK? You sound weird.” He asked. I heard his chair squeak and I pictured him, back at the agency. It made my stomach clench.
“Can I be homesick already? I’ve only been here for like, five seconds.”
“Home is sick for you too.” He said, his voice going soft.
“Well. I better go. I need to look for whoever is supposed to be picking me up.”
“I miss you.”
“Matt…” I said, sighing. I didn’t want to go there.
“What?”
“Nothing. Nevermind. Miss you too.”
“Call me later?”
“We’ll see. Bye.”

I hung up the phone and glanced around. There was a man scanning the area, obviously looking for someone. I felt weird, approaching someone I didn’t know, but I didn’t really know what else to do. When I caught him looking in my direction, I offered a half wave.

“Ella?” The man asked, his voice deep.
“Yeah… Are you my ride?” I asked, smiling.
“Yes. Do you need help with your bags?”
“Um, if you don’t mind? That’d be great.”
He walked over to my bags and grabbed the biggest one, leaving me with the three smaller ones. I slung one over my shoulder and picked up the other two, following behind him. He walked briskly, and I had trouble keeping up. I wanted to ask him to slow down, but I didn’t want to seem like I was whining, or like I couldn’t keep up. Our job was an awful lot of hiking, and the buildings looked like they were a good distance from each other. I didn’t know if he was a boss or simply a co-worker, but I didn’t want to appear lazy.

We were almost on our way out when I remembered Cumulus. How I could possibly forget my dog, I have no idea.
"Um, I forgot, I have my dog... I just need to go pick up his crate."
"I'll wait here." He said.
I wasn't sure I could handle his crate and my bags, so I left them by his feet and hoped he'd keep an eye on them.

I got Cumulus, and thankfully was given a cart to wheel him on. When I got back to the guy, whose name I realized I didn't even know, I set my bags on the cart and wheeled him out. We finally reached his truck, and he threw my bags in the back.
"You care if I walk him for a sec? It's been a long flight." I asked.
He shrugged in response. I let Cue out of his crate and took him for a short walk, letting him do his business. When I arrived back at the car, the guy had loaded the crate into the back.
"Go ahead and put him in the cab with us." He said "I don't have anything to secure the crate with, and you don't need him to jump or fall out."

All three of us squished into the tiny cab and settled into uneasy silence - which I couldn't handle.

“So. How long have you been working for the program?” I asked.
“Awhile.” He answered, then after an awkward beat of quiet “I think this is my sixth year.”
His tone in his voice was clear that he didn’t want to converse, but after a few minutes of silence, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“It sure is really pretty here. Did you grow up nearby?”
“Nope. Grew up in Cali.”
“How’d you get here?” I asked, and then worried after the fact that it could be considered nosy.
Again, he was quiet for a long while, and I began to fidget.
“I was in the program, actually. When I graduated, I just sort of stayed on. Left a bit for college, but came right back.”
“Oh….”

I couldn’t think of anything else to say. We spent the rest of the trip in silence, and walked to my cabin in silence.

“This is your cabin. The girls will stay upstairs and you get the room downstairs. Unfortunately, there’s little privacy, as your room has the only exit, but it’s to prevent the girls from sneaking out at night. You can unpack and get settled in, there’s a staff meeting in a couple hours. I’ll come back and get you before.”
I nodded and tried not to cry. The walls were blank, the bed was hard, and all I could think was this was clearly not home.

Slacker

Totally meant to have the post finished and posted Sunday. I forget why that didn't happen, but I meant to post it Monday. Eli went through a thing where he just wanted Mommy and even then just wanted to cry, and it exhausted me so much that I went to bed when he did last night (at 7 o'clock) I figured I would wake up early, but I must have been tired, because I didn't get up until Eli woke me up at 8 this morning (well, that's a lie, Cayden woke up at 5 because he wet the bed. But that was a shuffle-change-back to bed thing)

Long story short, the kids are supposed to be taking a nap with Jeremy, so I'm trying to bang out today's post and then go work on what little homework I have for the one class I have.

Really quick, someone asked about how big Cayden was getting. Here's the most recent (not great) picture I have of him (all my photos got put on a hard drive when Jer had to wipe my computer last time it crashed, and then my camera got sent to the shop to be fixed and I'm waiting to get it back, so this was a camera phone shot)

He's at his last soccer game with his medal, trophy, and snack :-)

And here is Eli (another camera phone shot) swinging:


Alright, getting on that post now!

Where have I been? Working on the paper from hell. And that was only one thing that was due this week. I am so sorry I've been MIA, but seriously it's like all four of my professors got together and decided to make this week the week where they just pounded me with everything they had.

Good news is, I am now done with all of my work due this week. Bad news? There is none, in fact there is only even better news - I also got some of the work done ahead of schedule (not on purpose, but I accidentally worked ahead in my math class thinking one whole chapter was due this week, when really she had broken it up into two weeks, and in my English class all that's due next week is my rough draft, which I had to write in order to create my bibliography that was due this week.) Blah blah blah - who cares, what does that mean anyway?

Well, it means that I really only HAVE to do work in one class next week. That class is my toughest class, BUT since it's the only one I have to deal with, I should be able to knock it out easy peasy. Which is amazing for me (I have to keep telling myself "we're almost done, we're almost done, ha ha) but it also means that next week there should be no late post - and depending on how the boys are, might even be an extra post.

This week's post is still coming. I have an amazingly full day tomorrow (Cayden's last soccer game is at 9, followed by a camp reunion, and then sister is taking Cayden for the night and my Mom is watching Eli and I actually get to go out in public, alone, with my husband for the first time in months.) Expect it Sunday.

Thanks for being really understanding - I love the blog, I want to keep up with it, but since I'm not getting paid for this, and paying to go to school, I have to ignore this when the latter decides to make me it's bitch.

New post below

Hey guys-

I just looked at my schedule for the rest of school, and I've decided that for the next couple weeks, you shouldn't expect posts on Monday. I will try my best to get them on Monday, but these next couple weeks I'm going to be slammed (This week in one class I have 8 different readings, two assignments, and a quiz, in another class I have 2 different readings, a final draft of an essay, and the rough draft of another essay, in another I have a crap ton of reading, two quizzes, and a test - that's my fault that ones so much, I've been putting it off, and then in my last one I have a test. And it's not looking that great for the up coming weeks.)

School has to come first, and once I get it done, I'll post (I'm not done this week yet, but I have gotten QUITE a bit done, so I took a break and wrote :-) I'm still hoping to shoot for once a week, just maybe not on Mondays. It wraps up beginning of September, so ride it out with me :-)

If I could tell you what's next... Make you believe, make you forget...

Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt totally alone? Totally disconnected? I was standing in my kitchen at a party – my going away party, actually – and I couldn’t shake those feelings. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to celebrate and enjoy the people that were there. I knew it would be a long time before I would see them again, but… I just couldn’t.
It was just that the guest list was totally different from what I assumed it would be. Sure, there were some constants there – Nick and Toni had found a sitter and were in attendance, my parents were there, work people who had been around forever, a few of my older camp kids, Matt – even new friends like Brook were a welcome addition. But a year ago the guest list would have been entirely different. Jason, Seth, Drew, Chloe… They were missing. And I was feeling their absence.
I slipped out the back door quietly, needing a second to breathe. I was surprised to see my Dad sitting on the steps.
“Hey.” I said, wondering if I should edge my way back inside.
“Hey, girlie. Have a seat next to your old Pops for a minute. I feel like I haven’t seen you all night.”
“Yeah, sorry Dad. Guest of honor and all.” I said, sliding down next to him.
“You OK? You seem bummed. You know Ella, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have too. We can work something out…”
“No, Dad. I think a change of scenery is good right now.”
He was quiet for a minute, and I thought he was going to let the subject go. Instead he cleared his throat.
“Before you were born, I had a lot of friends El. A lot of really good friends. We went out a lot, and we had a good time. Then you were born. Things changed. I couldn’t go out at the drop of a hat anymore, I had better things to spend my money on, and better ways to spend my time. Some of the guys didn’t get it at first, and they either resented me, or we fell apart. At first I was angry, and I was a little lonely. You were worth it, but I did miss the times I used to have. After a while, a few guys came back around – your Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Rick. Anyway, I’m rambling. The point is Ella… Things change. Life changes, people change, our wants and needs change. Sometimes the people in our lives change with us. Sometimes we have to grow apart before we grow back together. Sometimes we grow apart and there’s just no fixing it. We can’t stop the change, we can’t control how other people change, and sometimes we can’t even control how we change. You just gotta roll with the punches, girlie. And I know, that’s a lot easier said than done, but trust your old man. The important people always come back to you. The rest of them? Just life’s fillers. Not important. Not worth being sad over.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around me.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.”
“For what, darling?”
“I feel like I’m one of those people who grew apart from you.”
“Oh honey, that’s what kids do. It’s different. You’ll never be filler to me.”

Dad and I hung out on the back porch for a while, him pointing out constellations to me, before he prodded me back inside to hang out with my party guests. The party was for me after all. I was being rude hiding out on the porch.

It started to wind down around one AM, with the older co-workers and Toni and Nick leaving. Pretty soon, the only people that were left were Matt and I, sitting on the sofa, playing Super Mario on the Wii.

“So. I didn’t want to bring this up in front of everyone, but uh. Drew asked if he should come say goodbye.”
“What’d you tell him?” I asked, not taking my eyes of the screen.
“I told him I’d ask you what you wanted.”
I laughed. “Way to put me on the spot.”
“Well, you know, it was a little awkward for me El. Do I encourage him to make a move on you, even though I like you, or do I play it selfish, and attempt to keep you to myself?”

I sighed and threw the remote on the table.
“Him saying goodbye is not making a move. He’s still with Jessica, correct?”
Matt nodded.
“Well, there you go.”
“What should I have told him?”
I shrugged. “Tell him to do what he wants. I’m honestly tired of having to tell people what to do. If he wants to say goodbye, he knows where to find me. I’m going to be on an airplane tomorrow though, so he’s running out of time.”

Matt was quiet again, but only for a moment.
“Ella… If you had to pick… Who would you choose?”
The answer came to me quickly. “I don’t have to choose. So I pick Colorado. Everyone will still be here when I get back, and if they find others, then it wasn’t meant to be, now was it?”
“Whoa, what that on, oh enlightened one?” Matt asked, chuckling.
“I think everyone reaches a point where they’re just done chasing rainbows, Matt. I’m at my point.”
“Well. Would it be too much to ask for one more night of cuddling?” Matt asked.
“Nope. That sounds like a perfect way to spend my last night in Ohio, actually.”

We got ready for bed and climbed into bed together. Matt fell right to sleep, and I should have too, but I couldn’t. There were too many things running through my mind – details of my flight schedule, wondering if I had forgotten to pack anything… But at the top of the list was Drew. I meant what I said to Matt. My Dad was right, and there was no point in spending our time worrying about things we had no control over. Still, it was hard to turn off your mind, and impossible to turn off your heart. Would Drew show up to say goodbye tomorrow? Did I want him too? What would he say? What would I say? I wondered what Drew could have said that made Matt think that he wanted me back – or was Matt just being paranoid because he hoped we could have something together?

Which led to a whole new set of questions about Matt. How did I feel about him? I knew I liked him, but did I like him for him, or just because he was there? I mean it was true that we had had a connection since they day we met, but as my track record has shown, just because you’re attracted to someone, doesn’t mean it’ll work out in the end. Still, Matt would be a good guy to start over with. He was aware of my history with Drew and Jason, and while he didn’t seem to love it, he also seemed secure enough not to be bothered by it.

Ugh. I wanted to rip my hair out. I kept telling myself over and over in my head that it didn’t matter – decisions didn’t have to be made tonight, but my brain just kept circling through all the questions. I was convinced that I would never fall asleep.

I must have though, because the next thing I knew, Matt was shaking me awake, and off we were headed to the airport.

I was a jumble of nerves. Did I have my ticket? Did I have everything I needed? Did I really want to do this? Would Drew show up at the last second in some grand romantic gesture?

As much as I hate to admit it, I searched for his face everyone at the airport. And I lingered at the gate longer than I needed too, giving him extra time to show up. And even when I was seated in the airplane, I still held on to the tiniest bit of hope that he would come charging up the aisle, having bought a ticket just so he could sit next to me on the plane and talk our problems out.

When the plane lifted off, and no Drew appeared, I felt my heart break. I kept hearing my Dad’s words in my ears – about not being able to control how other people changed. Still, it didn’t help, and I sent a silent thanks up to God that the seat next to me was empty, as I had a nice silent cry.

Hey guys - no post today. I won't get into all the details because I feel like then it sounds like me whining, but it's been a very interesting week. I'm hoping to get something out sometime this week, but I also have a craaaaaap ton of homework to do (my cultural diversity teacher is trying to kill me with readings) so, that has to get done first (sorry, but I'm paying to go to school, and not paying to do this so...)

HOPEFULLY there will be something by the end of the week. No promises though.

Also - I know someone wrote in the comments about another blog they were working on, it sounded interesting and I wanted to add it to the blog roll, but I forgot and for the life of me cannot remember which post the commented on. If that was you, please post your link again! And if you know of/write a blog, please list it too. Our link list is getting kind of short...