If I could tell you what's next... Make you believe, make you forget...

Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt totally alone? Totally disconnected? I was standing in my kitchen at a party – my going away party, actually – and I couldn’t shake those feelings. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to celebrate and enjoy the people that were there. I knew it would be a long time before I would see them again, but… I just couldn’t.
It was just that the guest list was totally different from what I assumed it would be. Sure, there were some constants there – Nick and Toni had found a sitter and were in attendance, my parents were there, work people who had been around forever, a few of my older camp kids, Matt – even new friends like Brook were a welcome addition. But a year ago the guest list would have been entirely different. Jason, Seth, Drew, Chloe… They were missing. And I was feeling their absence.
I slipped out the back door quietly, needing a second to breathe. I was surprised to see my Dad sitting on the steps.
“Hey.” I said, wondering if I should edge my way back inside.
“Hey, girlie. Have a seat next to your old Pops for a minute. I feel like I haven’t seen you all night.”
“Yeah, sorry Dad. Guest of honor and all.” I said, sliding down next to him.
“You OK? You seem bummed. You know Ella, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have too. We can work something out…”
“No, Dad. I think a change of scenery is good right now.”
He was quiet for a minute, and I thought he was going to let the subject go. Instead he cleared his throat.
“Before you were born, I had a lot of friends El. A lot of really good friends. We went out a lot, and we had a good time. Then you were born. Things changed. I couldn’t go out at the drop of a hat anymore, I had better things to spend my money on, and better ways to spend my time. Some of the guys didn’t get it at first, and they either resented me, or we fell apart. At first I was angry, and I was a little lonely. You were worth it, but I did miss the times I used to have. After a while, a few guys came back around – your Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Rick. Anyway, I’m rambling. The point is Ella… Things change. Life changes, people change, our wants and needs change. Sometimes the people in our lives change with us. Sometimes we have to grow apart before we grow back together. Sometimes we grow apart and there’s just no fixing it. We can’t stop the change, we can’t control how other people change, and sometimes we can’t even control how we change. You just gotta roll with the punches, girlie. And I know, that’s a lot easier said than done, but trust your old man. The important people always come back to you. The rest of them? Just life’s fillers. Not important. Not worth being sad over.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around me.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.”
“For what, darling?”
“I feel like I’m one of those people who grew apart from you.”
“Oh honey, that’s what kids do. It’s different. You’ll never be filler to me.”

Dad and I hung out on the back porch for a while, him pointing out constellations to me, before he prodded me back inside to hang out with my party guests. The party was for me after all. I was being rude hiding out on the porch.

It started to wind down around one AM, with the older co-workers and Toni and Nick leaving. Pretty soon, the only people that were left were Matt and I, sitting on the sofa, playing Super Mario on the Wii.

“So. I didn’t want to bring this up in front of everyone, but uh. Drew asked if he should come say goodbye.”
“What’d you tell him?” I asked, not taking my eyes of the screen.
“I told him I’d ask you what you wanted.”
I laughed. “Way to put me on the spot.”
“Well, you know, it was a little awkward for me El. Do I encourage him to make a move on you, even though I like you, or do I play it selfish, and attempt to keep you to myself?”

I sighed and threw the remote on the table.
“Him saying goodbye is not making a move. He’s still with Jessica, correct?”
Matt nodded.
“Well, there you go.”
“What should I have told him?”
I shrugged. “Tell him to do what he wants. I’m honestly tired of having to tell people what to do. If he wants to say goodbye, he knows where to find me. I’m going to be on an airplane tomorrow though, so he’s running out of time.”

Matt was quiet again, but only for a moment.
“Ella… If you had to pick… Who would you choose?”
The answer came to me quickly. “I don’t have to choose. So I pick Colorado. Everyone will still be here when I get back, and if they find others, then it wasn’t meant to be, now was it?”
“Whoa, what that on, oh enlightened one?” Matt asked, chuckling.
“I think everyone reaches a point where they’re just done chasing rainbows, Matt. I’m at my point.”
“Well. Would it be too much to ask for one more night of cuddling?” Matt asked.
“Nope. That sounds like a perfect way to spend my last night in Ohio, actually.”

We got ready for bed and climbed into bed together. Matt fell right to sleep, and I should have too, but I couldn’t. There were too many things running through my mind – details of my flight schedule, wondering if I had forgotten to pack anything… But at the top of the list was Drew. I meant what I said to Matt. My Dad was right, and there was no point in spending our time worrying about things we had no control over. Still, it was hard to turn off your mind, and impossible to turn off your heart. Would Drew show up to say goodbye tomorrow? Did I want him too? What would he say? What would I say? I wondered what Drew could have said that made Matt think that he wanted me back – or was Matt just being paranoid because he hoped we could have something together?

Which led to a whole new set of questions about Matt. How did I feel about him? I knew I liked him, but did I like him for him, or just because he was there? I mean it was true that we had had a connection since they day we met, but as my track record has shown, just because you’re attracted to someone, doesn’t mean it’ll work out in the end. Still, Matt would be a good guy to start over with. He was aware of my history with Drew and Jason, and while he didn’t seem to love it, he also seemed secure enough not to be bothered by it.

Ugh. I wanted to rip my hair out. I kept telling myself over and over in my head that it didn’t matter – decisions didn’t have to be made tonight, but my brain just kept circling through all the questions. I was convinced that I would never fall asleep.

I must have though, because the next thing I knew, Matt was shaking me awake, and off we were headed to the airport.

I was a jumble of nerves. Did I have my ticket? Did I have everything I needed? Did I really want to do this? Would Drew show up at the last second in some grand romantic gesture?

As much as I hate to admit it, I searched for his face everyone at the airport. And I lingered at the gate longer than I needed too, giving him extra time to show up. And even when I was seated in the airplane, I still held on to the tiniest bit of hope that he would come charging up the aisle, having bought a ticket just so he could sit next to me on the plane and talk our problems out.

When the plane lifted off, and no Drew appeared, I felt my heart break. I kept hearing my Dad’s words in my ears – about not being able to control how other people changed. Still, it didn’t help, and I sent a silent thanks up to God that the seat next to me was empty, as I had a nice silent cry.