Auggggggggggh

No post again today. I'm sorry guys, today I woke up feeling the best I had all week, and I thought, man, today I am going to get stuff done. Well, halfway through cleaning the living room, that dream died. I feel so ill.

I know you all say to take care of me first, but the thing is, I WANT to be doing things. I WANT to be writing, I want my house to not look like a pig sty, I want to be able to move without fearing that I am going to toss my cookies. Plus, as much as you guys say you understand, I know it's frustrating to have a schedule and have someone not stick to it.

I've decided that I am going to cut back on postings to twice a week. It makes me sad, because I feel like that's not enough, but I want to make sure it's something I know I can do. I may still post a whatever wednesday, I'm not sure. I'm hoping that once the second trimester hits, this sickness goes away, and if that's the case, we'll resume normal scheduling.

And anyone have any remedies for this morning sickness? I had some preggie pops that worked OK, but then my son got into them and threw them all around. Plus, 5 bucks for only 21 of them is kinda steep.

Ugh, sorry I'm late. It was a bad night with my son, and I'm not sleeping too hot anyway because I'm no longer taking my sleeping pills. Then this morning I've been fighting some serious morning sickness...

Long story short, I'm trying to get a post up, but I'm seriously considering chopping down the schedule to either two or three posts a week. I want you guys to be able to depend on me, but right now I'm not sure I can keep up.

Whatever Wednesday: What is it about the internet that brings out the assholes?

Seriously. What is it about the internet that makes people such assholes to each other? Especially to people they don't know? It's like, I highly doubt that MOST people (I do realize that there are exceptions to this) would walk up to a stranger on the street and say the type of crap that people say on in internet.

Case in point one: I'm on babycenter. I love it. I loved it with my son, and so far, I'm loving it with this pregnancy. It's nice to have people to talk to who are thinking about babies as much as you are. Anyway, I read this woman's journal entry. She talks about how doctors don't know if she's having a miscarriage or not, and goes on to say that she would be happy either way. If she isn't, well then, she's still pregnant. But if she is miscarrying, then she'll get back to focusing on her body to get ready for bikini weather. I know, at first this may sound like, OMG how could someone say this? But then the next line after that was "I have to think like this so I don't get depressed." Which, I TOTALLY understand.

When I was in that limbo area, I just wanted to know. It's so hard to NOT know what's going on. One second you're trying to be optimistic, and the next you're breaking down because you just KNOW that your baby is dying and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. I just wanted to KNOW. And if I was miscarrying, I'd probably console myself with the fact that at the very least I could get back to my diet and exercise.

But man, people tore her a new one. They didn't even TRY to understand. They said some awful things. How she was a horrible mother, how she deserved to miscarry, how they felt sorry for her other child.

It's like, really? This woman writes a journal entry talking about how she's just so sick of being on this teeter totter, and you focus on the moment where in her crisis she may not have chosen the best choice of words?

The worst part? Most of these woman have had miscarriages. You just think that they would have been able to relate, rather than wish the pain that they had gone through on someone else.

Second case: My friend Shayne posted a link on her facebook page about the new immigration law in AZ. I, once again, have not read up on this law. I've heard bits and pieces about it, but I really didn't know enough to comment on it. However, my brother, who is rainman about current events did comment. He and Shayne had the same opinion, and they went back and forth for a little bit. Then this other guy jumped in. He had a different opinion - but relayed it respectfully, and he and my brother had some back and forth, again, both being respectful, and a couple of times my brother even says "Wow, you make some good points, things I didn't think of."

Out of nowhere, this guy Tyler jumps in, and calls my brother a pussy. Basically, he agreed with the second guy, but rather than presenting his opinion respectfully as everyone else had done, chose to single out my brother and name call.

Everyone jumped on him and told him he was being a dick. His response: Yeah it was a dick thing to do, but I'm a dick, so what do you expect? And then he went to bash my brother some more.

First of all, I HATE the whole "I'm a dick, what do you want?" response (also hate the whole "I'm a bitch, deal with it." type thing.) It's like, just because you admit to being a dick doesn't mean it's OK. Secondly, I've found that people who are like "Oh yeah, I'm a bitch/dick" are the first people to get all butt ass hurt when someone else is a dick or a bitch. You can't say that that behavior is OK, and then get all bent out of shape when someone responds in kind. It's like this kid I worked with always said "I don't care what anyone else says, I'm gonna do me" That was fine - but he was the FIRST person to talk shit when anyone else liked something he didn't like. Why is it OK for you to like what you like, but not OK for me to do my own thing?

Anyway, I digress. The fact of the matter is, he just keeps repeating "I'm right, my opinion is right" blah blah blah, without backing his opinion up with anything other than insults and name calling. It's like, how exactly are you right? And then he was making comments on my brother like "Oh, I just hate it when people talk to hear the sound of their own voice about shit they know nothing about" and it's like... Do you not see what you've written? You're talking crap about a person you know nothing about. You're doing the SAME thing. Hello pot? This is kettle. You're both black!

Then another thing is, my brother made mention when he was talking to the first guy about how he had been jumped. That's when the second guy - Tyler, jumped in, calling him a pussy because criminals pray on the weak. Oh really? So if a girl gets raped, she must just be a pussy? Like c'mon dude, even YOU have to admit how stupid you sound.

It just blows my mind. Especially since we live in a world where everyone wants to be different, be unique, and we try SO hard to stand out... But when it comes to matters of opinions we get SO pissed off if people don't think like we do.

I mean I can't claim innocence. There are certain subjects I get VERY worked up about because I believe in them so much. But there's STILL no need to resort to name calling when you're talking about opinions. It just makes you sound stupid. If your opinion is SO right, then it should stand up on it's own merit - you shouldn't HAVE to bully someone into believing what you do.

Anyway, on a happier note... My doctors appointment isn't until May 11th, but I was able to get in to a "training" ultrasound through a pregnancy crisis center here in Columbus. I think I talked about them before? Pregnancy Decision Health Care (or maybe it's Center?) Either way, I went to them with my son. I hesitated going to them again, because when I went with my son, they pushed their pro-life stuff on me. I was already planning on keeping my son, I told them that, but it was just a little much.

This time? They've been SO amazing and nice. The ultrasound tech Monday was amazing, and just really reassuring.

I was nervous at first, because they were trying to do an abdominal ultrasound first (And made me drink a TON of water so they could.) But all they could see with an abdominal was a sac. So she did a vaginal. Now, while they wanted a full bladder for an abdominal, they need an empty one for a vaginal. But apparently, I drank so much that when I peed, my bladder just filled right back up again.

But they were able to see stuff anyway :-)

Bad news? I'm measuring behind where they thought I would be. The tech said it happens all the time, since when you ovulate, it's just a guess. They're guessing I'm 10 days behind my original due date. Now, while I could see being behind my due date, I don't think I could be 10 days behind. That's just seems too much to me, and it means I got a positive test crazy early.But, it does at least explain why they couldn't see anything when I went to the ER, and why my levels were low at first. However, I'm not changing my dates *yet* I do believe I'm probably a little behind what they thought, but I'm wondering if the reasons my measurements were SO off was because my bladder was smushing my uterus :-)

We did see a heartbeat though! I know everyone speaks of seeing the babies heartbeat as such a magical thing, but with my son I didn't get why. I mean don't get me wrong, I thought seeing him on the ultrasound was fantastic, and I was VERY glad he had a heartbeat. But, I just never got to see a clear heartbeat with him. By the time I got into a ultrasound, I was further along, and he was moving SO much, it was just hard to see. Because the placenta was anterior, we had an issue hearing his heartbeat on the doppler, so I got a few extra ultrasounds to confirm that he still had a heartbeat. One time he moved SO much the doctor couldn't get a reading. She was laughing and said "Well, I can't find his heartbeat, but I know it has to have one, look at the little guy move!"

Anyway, this one was just so teeny tiny. It was just almost hard to fathom how small. And that made the heartbeat SO obvious, it was just really neat. I can't wait till May 11th, because I'm guessing the doctor will give me an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech at the place I went too said I could also call and she'd hook me up with another training ultrasound. I'm thinking trying to get in a little before 20 weeks to see if maybe they think they can tell the sex :-)

Anyway, Sprout's not much yet, but here is his/her first pictures! S/he's between the x's and like I said, teeny tiny!

Is this love, or just a crush?

I thought it was really sweet that Matt left me out of the whole Jarren thing to save me drama, but I almost wish he wouldn’t have. She was already pulling me in it.
I had told her I’d call her back to tell her what Matt had said. I never had any intention of doing so, but Jarren didn’t have any intention of waiting. Five minutes after I hung up with her, she texted me.

Jarren: What did he say?

I sighed, and texted her back: Not much, he said he didn’t want to talk about it.

Jarren: What a cop out. He broke up w/me, and now he’s acting like he’s the 1 hurting?

Me: Yeah, I dunno. He just said he didn’t want to talk about it, and I left it alone.

Jarren: R u sure there’s no1 else?

Me: I told you Jarren. I haven’t seen him with anyone. I’ve been busy with Seth though, but I think I would have noticed.

Jarren: Ur not just trying 2 protect him, r u? bcuz I was ur friend first Ella.

Me: I’m not taking sides.

Jarren: What does that mean?

Me: It means that if I had seen someone, I would have told you, but I’m not going to badmouth him and spy just because you two are fighting.

Jarren: Whatever.

I sighed, a little disgusted, and put down my phone. If this was how it was going to be, then I was just ready to tell her the real reason Matt broke up with her. I also wanted to tell her that it was my fault. Sure, she’d yell for awhile, but then she’d probably leave me alone. Still, the fact that Matt had gone through so much trouble to keep me out of it made me hold back. It surely would have been easier for him (and probably a little more fun) to break up with her if he had just told her the truth. He did it to help me out, so I felt like I couldn’t just turn around and tattle on myself.

I decided to leave my cell phone at home and go over to Toni’s to visit. Nick had told me the best time to catch her was in the morning, and it had been awhile since I had talked to her. I was hoping to get some advice on the Jarren thing, and to tell her about my amazing date with Seth last night.

I walked over, taking Cumulus with me. The kids had both had a sudden infatuation with dogs, and I wanted Cumulus to be around all different types of people, so I liked to take him over to play, especially since the house wasn’t such a danger zone anymore, with nails and tools scattered about. Parts of the house were still a mess, but since they had to box the kids into the safe zone, it was easy to box Cumulus in with them.

I was surprised when I knocked on the door and Drew answered. I knew he lived there, and every time I went over I always knew it was a possibility that he would be around, but it never failed that whenever I saw him, a shock ran through me.

“Hi.” He said.

“Hi.” I answered, brushing past him. “Toni here?”

“She’s upstairs.” He answered. My face must have shown my disappointment, because he continued “don’t worry, she’s awake, just laying down. Go on up. I’ll take the dog to play with the kids.”

“Thanks.” I said, smiling as I handed over the leash and heading for the stairs.

That was the most normal conversation I had had with Drew in… Well, a long time. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad when we went away together. Maybe things would finally be back to normal.

I bounded up the stairs two at a time, excited to finally be able to see Toni. It felt like it had been years since we talked, and while I was understanding of her situation, I still missed her and would take any time that I could get with her. I knocked on her door, and entered when she called to come in.

“Hey Momma, long time no see. What’s going on?” I said, setting down gently on the bed.

She smiled, and I could see the tired look on her face. “Not much. Sleeping or puking seems to be my life as of lately. How about you? Anything exciting going on?”

I hesitated for a moment, hating to come over and see her for the first time in a long while and just dump a bunch of crap on her. She noticed my hesitation, and laughed.

“Ella, I don’t really have anything to tell you. I can tell you’re dying to say something, so spill. Honestly, I’m just dying for some excitement.”

So spill I did. I told her about how I was out with Seth, and how I had caught Jarren with Grge, who she said she wasn’t going to see Greg anymore. I told her that I told Matt, and paused, waiting for her to chastise me for sticking my nose in someone elses business.

“I gotta say, Ella. I’m proud of you.”

“Really?” I asked, surprised.

“Yeah. I mean, I know normally you get involved when you shouldn’t, but I personally think you should have told Matt.”

“Yeah, well now I’m stuck, because Matt didn’t tell her why he was breaking up with her. He wanted to keep me out of it. But now she just keeps pestering me, and I just think maybe I am done. With her lying and using people. So now I almost want to tell her.”

“I think that’s a bad idea. I mean if you want to stop being her friend, you need to use your own reasons and cut her off. Why Matt broke up with her is between her and Matt, and if doesn’t want to tell her.” Toni shrugged. “That’s his business. But I do think you should break up with Jarren, so to speak. You know I’ve never liked her.”

“I know.” I said smiling. Toni has made her dislike for Jarren very clear over the years. Though, to be honest, Jarren’s not a Toni fan either.

“So what else is going on? How are you and Seth doing?” Toni asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, I don’t know if I’m going there with you.”

“Why not?” Toni asked. “I told you, I need some excitement…”

“Yeah well. I’m really happy in the relationship Toni. I think it’s in a good place and so far it’s only continued to get better, but you made your position on how you feel about him very clear. You keep pushing Drew on me, and that’s just not going to happen.”

She was quiet for a moment, and at first I thought I had made her angry.

“You know Ella, you’re right, and I’m sorry. I do want you and Drew together, I do think you’re perfect for each other. But I’ve continuously told you to mind your own business, and the whole time I wasn’t minding mine.”

“I didn’t mean it like that Toni, you know I appreciate your advice.”

“I know hon, and I’m not angry. Advice if one thing, but it is your life, and if you’re happy with Seth, well then. I should just be happy that you’re happy. I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just been so crazy lately with everything that’s been going on, and my hormones have been raging, and I’m honestly just so sick of myself it’s not even funny. At first, I didn’t want these babies, but felt like I had no other choice. Now I want them, but I desperately want my body back, I want to be normal again. And then I feel so horrible for saying that… Like it might make something bad happen…”

“Toni, I’ve never had kids, but I have to say that’s gotta be how some pregnant mom’s feel at one point or another. I mean I know how active you used to be, I know you’ve got to miss that. But you know in the end this is all worth it.”

“I do.” She agreed.

“I mean you can happy and grateful, but still think that some periods stink.”

She nodded, and went quiet for a moment, lost in her own thoughts. I thought about leaving, but when I made a move towards the door, she fixed her eyes on me, smiling.

“Don’t leave yet Ella! I feel like we haven’t seen each other in years. Now tell me, really, how’s it going with you and Seth?”

I eased back down into the bed, and launched back into the story of Jarren and Matt, only what happened before that, on the ferris wheel. I felt the same dreamy feelings come over me, and even though I knew I looked like an idiot, I couldn’t wipe the idiotic smile that seemed like a permanent fixture on my face. After I was finished, I saw Toni’s mouth moving, almost like she was chewing. I knew that’s what she did when she was trying to bite her tongue… She very literally bit her tongue to hold back.

“What is it?” I asked.

“No, I said I’d support you.” She said, shaking her head.

“Toni….”

“Alright, it’s just… You said you said it back even though you didn’t think you were ready.”

“I just meant that had you asked me yesterday if I loved Seth, I would have said I didn’t know. But it just came so naturally Toni. Like my heart already knew what my brain didn’t.”

Again, her mouth started moving.

“Toni…” I sighed. “Just quit holding back already. OK? You can say your piece but then you drop it. Sound fair?”

“Deal.” She said. “I just worry that maybe you think you’re in love with Seth because you think you should be in love with him. Because he hasn’t given you a reason not to be.”

I didn’t know how to respond, but true to our deal, Toni dropped it and changed the subject.

Matt's POV

I didn’t really know how I felt about things. I had started to date Jarren to see if Ella got jealous, but honestly, I ended up actually liking Jarren. I liked her so much, in fact, that when Ella told me that she didn’t trust Jarren, I chalked it up to jealousy, and wasn’t even the least bit excited that Ella was jealous. I wanted her to back off Jarren.

And now… Well. Now it turns out Ella wasn’t jealous, she was just right. I was out my girlfriend, and the girl I had a crush on. I felt sad for myself for a moment, and then it was straight back to anger.

It was bad enough to be cheated on, but why did she have to create so much drama while she did it? She obviously was either lying about Greg freaking out on her, or she was an idiot for hooking up with a guy who did. Either way, I was done. I picked up the phone to dial her number, but then decided better. I would do it face to face.

On the drive over to Jarren’s house, I thought about what to say. I didn’t want to get Ella in trouble. Ella didn’t seem like she still wanted to be friends with Jarren, but I knew through what Ella had told me, and hearing the story Jarren told me about Greg that she had a flair for the dramatic. I knew Ella’s life right now was dramatic enough, and I didn’t want to add to it.

I called Jarren when I was outside of her place. I should have called before I left, to make sure she was home, but I hadn’t thought of it. However, with how early it was… Well, if she wasn’t home, then she was still with Greg.

“Hello?” She answered, sounding a little groggy.

Good. She had just woken up. If Greg was still there, I could catch her in the act. If he wasn’t… Well, I would have to come up with another reason to break up with her.

“Hey. I um, need to talk to you.”

“OK.” She said. I heard her move around. “What’s up?”

“I’d rather do this in person. I’m right around the corner, can I come up?”

“Um… What’s this about?” She asked. She was sounding more awake. And more on edge. Was that because Greg was still there?

“I’ll tell you when I get there.” I said, abruptly hanging up the phone before she could protest.

Call me paranoid, but I waited a few minutes, watching to see if anyone left in a haste. Even though the proof Ella had given me was pretty solid, I guess I was just looking to see it with my own two eyes.

When nobody came out, I shook my head. I had to break up with Jarren. Just this whole stunt alone was turning me into one of those crazy boyfriends that I always rolled my eyes at. I’d just tell Jarren that I was experiencing trust issues, and that I didn’t think it was fair to her. It made my stomach roll a little that I wasn’t telling her what a crazy lying bitch she was, but again, I didn’t want to get Ella in trouble.

I walked to her door, knocking on it. After a few minutes, she answered, looking tired and disheveled and a little annoyed.

“How was your night last night?” I asked, sounding a little accusing. I couldn’t help myself. Part of me wondered if Greg had been here and just hadn’t left, and was now somewhere in her place, hiding until I left. Again, I shook my head to get rid of the paranoid thinking. It didn’t matter even if he was here, he could have her, I was done with her.

“It was fun.” She said, smiling slightly. I felt my blood boil. “I missed you though. I’m glad you came over, even if you did wake me up.” She said, while moving towards me. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and I had to gently untangle myself from them.

“Jarren, I came over here to talk.”

“OK.” She said, a worried look starting to cross her face. She sunk down to the couch. “What’s up?”

“Nothing… I just…” I wondered how exactly to go about this without just blurting it out, but I realized there really was no such way.

“You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?” She asked.

I didn’t say anything, just looked away. As mad as I was, this was still hard to do. Not being able to tell her the real reason, and then… Well, I liked Jarren. For the first time the anger wore off a little and was replaced by this feeling of hurt.

“I can’t believe you!” She yelled. “Why just out of the blue? Just the other day you were telling me how you’d protect me and how much you cared about me. Were you lying?”

“No… I just…” I shrugged. What was I supposed to say? You lied to me, so why does it matter if I’m lying to you?

“Is there someone else?”

I was quiet again. There was someone else, maybe not for me. But… For her.
She rose from the couch and started to pace. “Who is she? Do I know her?
How long has it been going on?”

“Nothings going on Jarren. I am not a cheater, I’ve never been a cheater. I don’t tolerate being cheated on so I wouldn’t do it back to someone. I’m just… I’m not feeling this like I was. I know it sudden and I’m sorry, but things change and I wanted to tell you so I didn’t lead you on.”

“Oh. Ooooh. Well, thank you SO much.” She said, her voice dripping in sarcasm. “I really appreciate not being lead on.”

“Jarren…” I started, not knowing how to finish that sentence. I had come here thinking I’d be so angry at her that I wouldn’t be able to keep the secret of what Ella had told me. But instead, I was feeling bad for her, sorry that I couldn’t tell the truth. Almost sorry that I was hurting her.

“Don’t. Don’t do me anymore favors other than getting the hell out of here. This is ridiculous Matt, and in a few days when you realize how stupid you’ve been, I won’t be here to take you back.”

“Alright then. Again, I’m sorry Jarren.” I said, walking towards the door.

“Sorry doesn’t really mean crap right now, Matt.” She said.

I turned to look at her, and then just nodded. I kept waiting for that anger to come back. I was half hoping Jarren would yell at me about how she cheated on me, so it didn’t matter, or how she had someone waiting in the wings anyway, so that I could get angry. But she didn’t. As I left her apartment, I wasn’t prepared for the sadness to hit me full force. Another failed relationship. Seriously, could I have done something to prevent it? Could I have been a little more controlling, spent more time with her so that she wouldn’t have had time to see Greg?

How come when someone hurts you, you spend a good chunk of time trying to either rationalize their behavior, or figure out some way that you’re to blame?

I drove home, and was glad to see that Seth’s car was gone when I pulled in. I’ll admit the guy was growing on me, and I wasn’t as jealous as I once was, but seeing his and Ella’s happy lovey-dovey routine right now just might make me vomit. I walked in and heard Ella on the phone. I followed the noise until I found her in the kitchen, watching out the back door as Cumulus ran around.

“So what reason did he give you? Really… No reason? You think there’s someone else… Why? Well. No, I haven’t seen him around anyone. I mean I have been with Seth a lot lately though… I don’t know.” She looked up at me with questions in her eyes. “Look, he’s home, so let me talk to him and see what I can find out. Alright. Bye.”

“Jarren?” I asked.

Ella nodded. “You said you’d talk to her. Not that you were going to break up with her!”

“What was I going to say Ella? I mean either she was going to deny where she was, or come up with some lame excuse. Besides, she knew I was at home last night, so how was I going to tell her where I saw her without busting you out?”

“You could have told on me. I don’t care. I knew that was a risk I was taking when I told you about her.”

“I know you don’t care Ella. And I do appreciate you telling me. I just didn’t want you to be dragged into the drama.”

She smiled, waving her phone at me. “She had to have called me the second you walked out of the door. Dragging me into the drama. With Jarren, you just can’t escape the drama.”

“I didn’t think about that. Sorry.” I said, sitting in a kitchen chair.

“Don’t be. I was just kidding. I appreciate you trying to protect me from her. She can be ten different types of crazy.”

“That’s what was so weird, El. I kept expecting her to pop out with ‘well it doesn’t matter anyway, because I cheated on you!’ or ‘I already have someone else lined up!’ But she never did.”

“That’s because then Jarren would have to admit that SHE did something wrong. She knows that if she told you, you’d tell me, and I’d probably get angry and go off on her and then she couldn’t play victim anymore. Jarren likes drama, but more than drama she likes attention, and she likes it best when everyone feels sorry for her and she can do no wrong. Right now you’re the bad guy. If she does decide to date Greg, she’s got an easy way to bring him in. ‘Oh yeah, he went crazy on me about Matt, but it’s only because he knew Matt was playing me. He’s been so good since the break up. Matt was a jerk, Greg was meant for me.’ Or some crap like that. She’s crazy, but she’s not stupid. She’s been playing these games for far too long.”

“You really think she’s that conniving?” I asked, surprised.

“I told you when you too started dating that she was four different kinds of rare nuts. She gets it from her Mom. Her mom seems like the sweetest person in the world, but she make sure she gets hers and gets taken care of, and she doesn’t care WHO she steps on to get it.”

“Jarren does come off as so nice… Even with her pulling the whole Greg thing… I dunno. I’m just having a hard time believing she’s so crazy.”

Ella shrugged. “Yeah. I get that a lot. Some people see right through her and stay away. Other people get some sort of inkling that something’s wrong, but they can’t quite put their finger on it. The first couple times… Well. I spent years making excuses for Jarren. She’s just young, she doesn’t know any better, she’s just hurt, her parents suck, and on and on. But honestly, I’ve seen her do it far too many times to far too many people to not believe it now. I know you’re sad Matt, but just be glad you got out.” She said, patting me on the back.

Sorry about yesterday guys

I hate complaining because I think it makes me seem like I'm ungrateful for what I have. I know I'm lucky, despite the poor circumstances I find myself in lately, but man, I'm having crazy mood swings. I dunno if I could even call them mood swings, because they don't change all that often. I get in one and it'll last at least the day, if not a few days.

Obviously, yesterday I was just pissed off at the world :-) It just seems like once you get pregnant, everyone feels the need to offer you advice/input. And then people tend to get angry if you don't take it. I just feel like either this time around, people are hitting earlier and harder than they ever did with my first... Or maybe I just didn't notice because it was my first and I had no clue what I was doing.

I can't wait to be normal again :-)

Whatever Wednesday: Just fucking annoyed.

I was sad about life for a little bit. Then I felt sorry for myself, and now... I think I'm just pissed off. And not really at life anymore... Things are starting to pick up a little. We found out we're getting food stamps. Which, is a little embarassing, because who wants to say "hey, I'm so broke I can't afford to feed my kid!" but really, feeding my child is all that matters right now, so I will take what I can get. We'll also be getting medicaid. They told us if my husband can't find a job, we'll qualify for cash assistance. Guess how much it is? A little over 400 dollars a month.

That wouldn't even cover my rent. So, now more than ever, I don't see how people can live off welfare alone. I mean, I guess they get in on section 8 housing or whatever, but the wait list for those are long. The wait list for everything is long. And it's like... It's a LOT of work getting all the paperwork together for the people. They almost want you to write over you soul. It's crazy. I am grateful for it.. I think with hubby's new job, plus the food stamps, we may be OK. I know a lot of people can't say that. But it is a lot of work just getting all this crap together, so it's frustrating when I hear someone knocking someone who's on assistance. I don't think anyone likes it. And from what we're being told, it's not even like it's enough money to live on - even if you cancel out the extras, we still wouldn't have enough for the basics.

So, I'm annoyed at that. And then I'm annoyed my Mother, who thinks that even though I'm 24 years old, married with a child, and living elsewhere, that she has a right to judge my life. She's mad because my husband lost his job and that I'm pregnant. Well, for starters, he didn't lose his job on purpose. Secondly, I was pregnant BEFORE he lost his job. He had a good job, he had good insurance, we thought it was good time to have our second. I seriously thinks she thinks I planned it like this. Which is funny, because NOTHING is going the way I wanted it too. I thought I could get all the baby gear I wanted, especially since we didn't have much to get, even though the stuff I want is more expensive. Nope, now I'm wondering if we'll be able to get anything at all. I was PLANNING on trying to find a doctor who would deliver me at the nice new hospital they built a few years ago, now I'm struggling to find a doctor who will take me at all! Why would I have done it like this? I wanted to be excited that I was pregnant, and now I'm just wondering if we're struggling THIS much with money NOW, and only have ONE, what's it gonna be like when the other comes?

But what am I supposed to do? Abort the baby I wanted because timing isn't perfect? I'm trying to be positive about this all: I tried for months to get pregnant. THIS is what I wanted. Woman would KILL to be in my shoes. But people just keep coming round to rain on my already crappy parade.

Then I have a friend who is driving me NUTS. She's just so damn judgmental and pushy with her opinions. First, she gets all worked up because she finds out hubby originally turned down the job that he later took. "He's not in a position to be turning down ANY jobs right now"

Well, the thing about the job is, it pays 9/hr. They called him at like, 6:30 the night before telling him he had to be there the next day at one, and he had to go buy steel toed boots. He had an appointment with the assistance people at 10 the next day, plus the temp agency wanted him in before that to get a copy of his diploma. Not to mention the place he's working? Clear across town. So originally, he thought he just wouldn't have time. He still needed to go buy steel toed boots as well. So he said no. But then he talked to me, and we decided together that money was money. So he went. But I do think he had valid reasons for saying no, and since she didn't KNOW what his reasons were, she should have shut up.

This was the same person who when I was cramping and talking about going to the ER told me pretty much that I was overreacting and I was fine. And it's like... She just doesn't get it. Honestly, I knew there was nothing they could do if I was miscarrying, but I was more worried about having an ectopic pregnancy, having it burst and kill me, or ruin my chances of having any more kids or whatever.

Then today she starts asking me if I still plan on loosing weight while I'm pregnant. I told her I needed to wait and ask my doctor, because some doctors will tell you absolutely not, while some doctors, if you're overweight enough, will tell you as long as you don't take it to the extreme, it's OK. I did tell her that I was planning on counting calories again, and that I was holding off on exercise until I had my first appointment, because the ER told me not to exercise.

Again, she goes off "exercising during pregnancy is GOOD for you, why would they tell you not to exercise, blah blah blah"

Well, because at the ER, I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage. Exercise can make things worse. So again, I am waiting for my DOCTOR to tell me it's OK. Not you. YOU ARE NOT A DOCTOR!!!!!

So then she asks me how my son is doing, and I tell her that I think he's hit his terrible twos. She's like "Oh he's testing you. So many parents fail the test. Don't fail the test!!!"

I hate taking advice from people who do not have kids. Granted, I am way more likely to listen if they have worked with kids, or have a god child they've been around since birth, or a niece.. Nephew. She's never really been around kids. So it's like. Really? Plus, I mean... It's just different when you have a child. There are things you said you'd do or never do, and when the baby comes, you quickly change your tune. For the most part, I don't let Cayden get away with whatever. But for some things? Well, it's just not worth it to have a screaming toddler on my hands. I think any mother will tell you, you pick your battles.

So then she asks me how I think Cayden will react when the baby comes. And I honestly have no clue. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. He loves other people, especially kids. He sees a baby, and he goes ape shit. "baby. Baby! baby!!!!" Pictures, on tv, in real life, it doesn't matter. So my original guess is he'd be OK.

But then I factor in some other things... Like how I'll be at the hospital for a few days. The longest my son has been away from me was 2 days, and that's when he was WAY younger (once he was a newborn - when I had my gallbladder removed, the second time, he was like 4 months) Now he goes to Grandma's once a week. He's ready to leave with her, but when he comes back, he's a TOTAL momma's boy.

On top of that, I won't be able to pick him up. And she answers that with "Well that's only for a few weeks" Um, hello? Have you ever been asked not to pick your child up for a few weeks? I think a few days would kill me. I LIKE holding my baby. Not to mention, he's only going to be a little over 2. He's not going to understand that Mommy left for a few days and now she's back and can't hold me. It's going to be hard.

She answered with "Well yeah, it'll be hard, but it's not like it'll psycologically damage him."

A.) While I highly doubt that it will, how do you know? I mean honestly, how do you have ANY idea how it will affect him at all? You don't, and I don't.
B.) You have a screaming toddler who missed his Mommy and all he wants to do is be held and YOU tell me it doesn't damage YOU.

I still cry whenever I think of Cayden when he had his surgery. He was terrified, these strange people in this strange place were taking him away. He cried and reached for me and I had to walk away. Yeah I knew it was for the best. Yeah, I knew he'd be coming back. I knew they would take care of him. But he didn't know that, and I knew he didn't know that. Just like now, I know I want to hold him. I know it'll only be a little bit before I can pick him up again. But he doesn't.

It just pissed me off to no end.

Then to top it all off, I have to see the in laws today, and THEY'RE pissing me off. They're on this new kick where they have to spend ALL DAY with Cayden. Seriously, ALL FUCKING DAY. It's like, they got so upset when we told them we couldn't come over there till 1 or 2 when he woke up from his nap. "That's not enough time!" WTF are you talking about? We're staying until it's bed time, 9 o'clock, are you SERIOUSLY telling me 7 fucking hours isn't enough time?

So we tell them they can come here. They can come first thing in the AM, and when Cayden naps, we can hang out, and then they'll have before and after to see him.

But noooo, he HAS to come to their house.

OK, then since he only naps at home, you'll have to wait until he's finished napping. Because a.) If he doesn't nap, you aren't going to want to spend time with him, and b.) If he doesn't nap, then he doesn't sleep well that night, and I'm not dealing with that.

But Jeremy agrees to wake him up early so he'll go down for a nap early, and we'll be there early. I'm annoyed, they're screwing with the kids sleep cycle, but whatever.

So we told them we'd be there by one. Then we find out we need to pick my sister up at work. We'll have to leave at 6:30 to go get her. That's still 5 1/2 hours. But of course, they cancel.

They would rather see him LESS Than once a month and spend the WHOLE day with him, rather than see him more often spending smaller (but still significant amount of time) chunks of time with him.

I hate them.

And that is my pessimistic rant on life. People piss me off.