Is this love, or just a crush?

I thought it was really sweet that Matt left me out of the whole Jarren thing to save me drama, but I almost wish he wouldn’t have. She was already pulling me in it.
I had told her I’d call her back to tell her what Matt had said. I never had any intention of doing so, but Jarren didn’t have any intention of waiting. Five minutes after I hung up with her, she texted me.

Jarren: What did he say?

I sighed, and texted her back: Not much, he said he didn’t want to talk about it.

Jarren: What a cop out. He broke up w/me, and now he’s acting like he’s the 1 hurting?

Me: Yeah, I dunno. He just said he didn’t want to talk about it, and I left it alone.

Jarren: R u sure there’s no1 else?

Me: I told you Jarren. I haven’t seen him with anyone. I’ve been busy with Seth though, but I think I would have noticed.

Jarren: Ur not just trying 2 protect him, r u? bcuz I was ur friend first Ella.

Me: I’m not taking sides.

Jarren: What does that mean?

Me: It means that if I had seen someone, I would have told you, but I’m not going to badmouth him and spy just because you two are fighting.

Jarren: Whatever.

I sighed, a little disgusted, and put down my phone. If this was how it was going to be, then I was just ready to tell her the real reason Matt broke up with her. I also wanted to tell her that it was my fault. Sure, she’d yell for awhile, but then she’d probably leave me alone. Still, the fact that Matt had gone through so much trouble to keep me out of it made me hold back. It surely would have been easier for him (and probably a little more fun) to break up with her if he had just told her the truth. He did it to help me out, so I felt like I couldn’t just turn around and tattle on myself.

I decided to leave my cell phone at home and go over to Toni’s to visit. Nick had told me the best time to catch her was in the morning, and it had been awhile since I had talked to her. I was hoping to get some advice on the Jarren thing, and to tell her about my amazing date with Seth last night.

I walked over, taking Cumulus with me. The kids had both had a sudden infatuation with dogs, and I wanted Cumulus to be around all different types of people, so I liked to take him over to play, especially since the house wasn’t such a danger zone anymore, with nails and tools scattered about. Parts of the house were still a mess, but since they had to box the kids into the safe zone, it was easy to box Cumulus in with them.

I was surprised when I knocked on the door and Drew answered. I knew he lived there, and every time I went over I always knew it was a possibility that he would be around, but it never failed that whenever I saw him, a shock ran through me.

“Hi.” He said.

“Hi.” I answered, brushing past him. “Toni here?”

“She’s upstairs.” He answered. My face must have shown my disappointment, because he continued “don’t worry, she’s awake, just laying down. Go on up. I’ll take the dog to play with the kids.”

“Thanks.” I said, smiling as I handed over the leash and heading for the stairs.

That was the most normal conversation I had had with Drew in… Well, a long time. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad when we went away together. Maybe things would finally be back to normal.

I bounded up the stairs two at a time, excited to finally be able to see Toni. It felt like it had been years since we talked, and while I was understanding of her situation, I still missed her and would take any time that I could get with her. I knocked on her door, and entered when she called to come in.

“Hey Momma, long time no see. What’s going on?” I said, setting down gently on the bed.

She smiled, and I could see the tired look on her face. “Not much. Sleeping or puking seems to be my life as of lately. How about you? Anything exciting going on?”

I hesitated for a moment, hating to come over and see her for the first time in a long while and just dump a bunch of crap on her. She noticed my hesitation, and laughed.

“Ella, I don’t really have anything to tell you. I can tell you’re dying to say something, so spill. Honestly, I’m just dying for some excitement.”

So spill I did. I told her about how I was out with Seth, and how I had caught Jarren with Grge, who she said she wasn’t going to see Greg anymore. I told her that I told Matt, and paused, waiting for her to chastise me for sticking my nose in someone elses business.

“I gotta say, Ella. I’m proud of you.”

“Really?” I asked, surprised.

“Yeah. I mean, I know normally you get involved when you shouldn’t, but I personally think you should have told Matt.”

“Yeah, well now I’m stuck, because Matt didn’t tell her why he was breaking up with her. He wanted to keep me out of it. But now she just keeps pestering me, and I just think maybe I am done. With her lying and using people. So now I almost want to tell her.”

“I think that’s a bad idea. I mean if you want to stop being her friend, you need to use your own reasons and cut her off. Why Matt broke up with her is between her and Matt, and if doesn’t want to tell her.” Toni shrugged. “That’s his business. But I do think you should break up with Jarren, so to speak. You know I’ve never liked her.”

“I know.” I said smiling. Toni has made her dislike for Jarren very clear over the years. Though, to be honest, Jarren’s not a Toni fan either.

“So what else is going on? How are you and Seth doing?” Toni asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, I don’t know if I’m going there with you.”

“Why not?” Toni asked. “I told you, I need some excitement…”

“Yeah well. I’m really happy in the relationship Toni. I think it’s in a good place and so far it’s only continued to get better, but you made your position on how you feel about him very clear. You keep pushing Drew on me, and that’s just not going to happen.”

She was quiet for a moment, and at first I thought I had made her angry.

“You know Ella, you’re right, and I’m sorry. I do want you and Drew together, I do think you’re perfect for each other. But I’ve continuously told you to mind your own business, and the whole time I wasn’t minding mine.”

“I didn’t mean it like that Toni, you know I appreciate your advice.”

“I know hon, and I’m not angry. Advice if one thing, but it is your life, and if you’re happy with Seth, well then. I should just be happy that you’re happy. I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just been so crazy lately with everything that’s been going on, and my hormones have been raging, and I’m honestly just so sick of myself it’s not even funny. At first, I didn’t want these babies, but felt like I had no other choice. Now I want them, but I desperately want my body back, I want to be normal again. And then I feel so horrible for saying that… Like it might make something bad happen…”

“Toni, I’ve never had kids, but I have to say that’s gotta be how some pregnant mom’s feel at one point or another. I mean I know how active you used to be, I know you’ve got to miss that. But you know in the end this is all worth it.”

“I do.” She agreed.

“I mean you can happy and grateful, but still think that some periods stink.”

She nodded, and went quiet for a moment, lost in her own thoughts. I thought about leaving, but when I made a move towards the door, she fixed her eyes on me, smiling.

“Don’t leave yet Ella! I feel like we haven’t seen each other in years. Now tell me, really, how’s it going with you and Seth?”

I eased back down into the bed, and launched back into the story of Jarren and Matt, only what happened before that, on the ferris wheel. I felt the same dreamy feelings come over me, and even though I knew I looked like an idiot, I couldn’t wipe the idiotic smile that seemed like a permanent fixture on my face. After I was finished, I saw Toni’s mouth moving, almost like she was chewing. I knew that’s what she did when she was trying to bite her tongue… She very literally bit her tongue to hold back.

“What is it?” I asked.

“No, I said I’d support you.” She said, shaking her head.

“Toni….”

“Alright, it’s just… You said you said it back even though you didn’t think you were ready.”

“I just meant that had you asked me yesterday if I loved Seth, I would have said I didn’t know. But it just came so naturally Toni. Like my heart already knew what my brain didn’t.”

Again, her mouth started moving.

“Toni…” I sighed. “Just quit holding back already. OK? You can say your piece but then you drop it. Sound fair?”

“Deal.” She said. “I just worry that maybe you think you’re in love with Seth because you think you should be in love with him. Because he hasn’t given you a reason not to be.”

I didn’t know how to respond, but true to our deal, Toni dropped it and changed the subject.