Whatever Wednesday: Just fucking annoyed.

I was sad about life for a little bit. Then I felt sorry for myself, and now... I think I'm just pissed off. And not really at life anymore... Things are starting to pick up a little. We found out we're getting food stamps. Which, is a little embarassing, because who wants to say "hey, I'm so broke I can't afford to feed my kid!" but really, feeding my child is all that matters right now, so I will take what I can get. We'll also be getting medicaid. They told us if my husband can't find a job, we'll qualify for cash assistance. Guess how much it is? A little over 400 dollars a month.

That wouldn't even cover my rent. So, now more than ever, I don't see how people can live off welfare alone. I mean, I guess they get in on section 8 housing or whatever, but the wait list for those are long. The wait list for everything is long. And it's like... It's a LOT of work getting all the paperwork together for the people. They almost want you to write over you soul. It's crazy. I am grateful for it.. I think with hubby's new job, plus the food stamps, we may be OK. I know a lot of people can't say that. But it is a lot of work just getting all this crap together, so it's frustrating when I hear someone knocking someone who's on assistance. I don't think anyone likes it. And from what we're being told, it's not even like it's enough money to live on - even if you cancel out the extras, we still wouldn't have enough for the basics.

So, I'm annoyed at that. And then I'm annoyed my Mother, who thinks that even though I'm 24 years old, married with a child, and living elsewhere, that she has a right to judge my life. She's mad because my husband lost his job and that I'm pregnant. Well, for starters, he didn't lose his job on purpose. Secondly, I was pregnant BEFORE he lost his job. He had a good job, he had good insurance, we thought it was good time to have our second. I seriously thinks she thinks I planned it like this. Which is funny, because NOTHING is going the way I wanted it too. I thought I could get all the baby gear I wanted, especially since we didn't have much to get, even though the stuff I want is more expensive. Nope, now I'm wondering if we'll be able to get anything at all. I was PLANNING on trying to find a doctor who would deliver me at the nice new hospital they built a few years ago, now I'm struggling to find a doctor who will take me at all! Why would I have done it like this? I wanted to be excited that I was pregnant, and now I'm just wondering if we're struggling THIS much with money NOW, and only have ONE, what's it gonna be like when the other comes?

But what am I supposed to do? Abort the baby I wanted because timing isn't perfect? I'm trying to be positive about this all: I tried for months to get pregnant. THIS is what I wanted. Woman would KILL to be in my shoes. But people just keep coming round to rain on my already crappy parade.

Then I have a friend who is driving me NUTS. She's just so damn judgmental and pushy with her opinions. First, she gets all worked up because she finds out hubby originally turned down the job that he later took. "He's not in a position to be turning down ANY jobs right now"

Well, the thing about the job is, it pays 9/hr. They called him at like, 6:30 the night before telling him he had to be there the next day at one, and he had to go buy steel toed boots. He had an appointment with the assistance people at 10 the next day, plus the temp agency wanted him in before that to get a copy of his diploma. Not to mention the place he's working? Clear across town. So originally, he thought he just wouldn't have time. He still needed to go buy steel toed boots as well. So he said no. But then he talked to me, and we decided together that money was money. So he went. But I do think he had valid reasons for saying no, and since she didn't KNOW what his reasons were, she should have shut up.

This was the same person who when I was cramping and talking about going to the ER told me pretty much that I was overreacting and I was fine. And it's like... She just doesn't get it. Honestly, I knew there was nothing they could do if I was miscarrying, but I was more worried about having an ectopic pregnancy, having it burst and kill me, or ruin my chances of having any more kids or whatever.

Then today she starts asking me if I still plan on loosing weight while I'm pregnant. I told her I needed to wait and ask my doctor, because some doctors will tell you absolutely not, while some doctors, if you're overweight enough, will tell you as long as you don't take it to the extreme, it's OK. I did tell her that I was planning on counting calories again, and that I was holding off on exercise until I had my first appointment, because the ER told me not to exercise.

Again, she goes off "exercising during pregnancy is GOOD for you, why would they tell you not to exercise, blah blah blah"

Well, because at the ER, I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage. Exercise can make things worse. So again, I am waiting for my DOCTOR to tell me it's OK. Not you. YOU ARE NOT A DOCTOR!!!!!

So then she asks me how my son is doing, and I tell her that I think he's hit his terrible twos. She's like "Oh he's testing you. So many parents fail the test. Don't fail the test!!!"

I hate taking advice from people who do not have kids. Granted, I am way more likely to listen if they have worked with kids, or have a god child they've been around since birth, or a niece.. Nephew. She's never really been around kids. So it's like. Really? Plus, I mean... It's just different when you have a child. There are things you said you'd do or never do, and when the baby comes, you quickly change your tune. For the most part, I don't let Cayden get away with whatever. But for some things? Well, it's just not worth it to have a screaming toddler on my hands. I think any mother will tell you, you pick your battles.

So then she asks me how I think Cayden will react when the baby comes. And I honestly have no clue. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. He loves other people, especially kids. He sees a baby, and he goes ape shit. "baby. Baby! baby!!!!" Pictures, on tv, in real life, it doesn't matter. So my original guess is he'd be OK.

But then I factor in some other things... Like how I'll be at the hospital for a few days. The longest my son has been away from me was 2 days, and that's when he was WAY younger (once he was a newborn - when I had my gallbladder removed, the second time, he was like 4 months) Now he goes to Grandma's once a week. He's ready to leave with her, but when he comes back, he's a TOTAL momma's boy.

On top of that, I won't be able to pick him up. And she answers that with "Well that's only for a few weeks" Um, hello? Have you ever been asked not to pick your child up for a few weeks? I think a few days would kill me. I LIKE holding my baby. Not to mention, he's only going to be a little over 2. He's not going to understand that Mommy left for a few days and now she's back and can't hold me. It's going to be hard.

She answered with "Well yeah, it'll be hard, but it's not like it'll psycologically damage him."

A.) While I highly doubt that it will, how do you know? I mean honestly, how do you have ANY idea how it will affect him at all? You don't, and I don't.
B.) You have a screaming toddler who missed his Mommy and all he wants to do is be held and YOU tell me it doesn't damage YOU.

I still cry whenever I think of Cayden when he had his surgery. He was terrified, these strange people in this strange place were taking him away. He cried and reached for me and I had to walk away. Yeah I knew it was for the best. Yeah, I knew he'd be coming back. I knew they would take care of him. But he didn't know that, and I knew he didn't know that. Just like now, I know I want to hold him. I know it'll only be a little bit before I can pick him up again. But he doesn't.

It just pissed me off to no end.

Then to top it all off, I have to see the in laws today, and THEY'RE pissing me off. They're on this new kick where they have to spend ALL DAY with Cayden. Seriously, ALL FUCKING DAY. It's like, they got so upset when we told them we couldn't come over there till 1 or 2 when he woke up from his nap. "That's not enough time!" WTF are you talking about? We're staying until it's bed time, 9 o'clock, are you SERIOUSLY telling me 7 fucking hours isn't enough time?

So we tell them they can come here. They can come first thing in the AM, and when Cayden naps, we can hang out, and then they'll have before and after to see him.

But noooo, he HAS to come to their house.

OK, then since he only naps at home, you'll have to wait until he's finished napping. Because a.) If he doesn't nap, you aren't going to want to spend time with him, and b.) If he doesn't nap, then he doesn't sleep well that night, and I'm not dealing with that.

But Jeremy agrees to wake him up early so he'll go down for a nap early, and we'll be there early. I'm annoyed, they're screwing with the kids sleep cycle, but whatever.

So we told them we'd be there by one. Then we find out we need to pick my sister up at work. We'll have to leave at 6:30 to go get her. That's still 5 1/2 hours. But of course, they cancel.

They would rather see him LESS Than once a month and spend the WHOLE day with him, rather than see him more often spending smaller (but still significant amount of time) chunks of time with him.

I hate them.

And that is my pessimistic rant on life. People piss me off.