I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again

Couple of things to start with: One, make sure you read the post below this one if you didn't catch it Friday. Two, if you have a TGIFridays near you, and love it as much as I do (I love some of the food network sandwiches, and I love, love, LOVE their Jack Daniels Sauce. Ohhh, so good.) http://www.tgifridays.com/fb-bogo/ go there, and print a buy one entree get one free coupon. The only thing better then good food? Good free food. Three, my son is not sick. However, he's teething. I knew this would happen, he didn't get teeth for the longest and I knew they were all going to pop in at once. Right now his two top teeth are busting through (at the same time. FUN!) and then he already had his two bottoms, but the ones next to them look like they're around to come through. Why am I telling you this? Right now it's making him really sleepy, which is good, I get a lot of work done. However, when he is up and at 'em, he's really grumpy, and really clingy. Which means other work I normally could get down with him? Throwing a pile of laundry in, or running the dishwasher? I have to do with a grumpy baby on my hip, which slows me down. SO, if I lag a little bit, I'm sorry. His teeth should be in soon (I hope!) and things should get back to normal! Also, while we're speaking of lags in updates, I know this is a few weeks away (but, I told y'all I'd give you as much warning as possible.) But his first birthday is coming up at the end of September. It's very possible that I also won't update a ton then. We have a HUGE birthday party to get ready (on the 26th) and then on his actual birthday (the 28th) he's getting his check up, which means TONS of shots, and also dinner with the family (which makes me stressed) and then sometime he's getting his pictures done. So, it'll be a little hectic. I'm not saying I for sure won't post, just saying it's a maybe. So. Now, after all that junk, here's the next update:
Jason went down to get the crate for me in the basement. I picked up the phone and called Drew.
“Ella, I’m sorry for what I said earlier…”
“Why’d you tell him that I didn’t love him?” I cut him off.
“What?”
“Jason told me. He told me he called, after the miscarriage.” After these years, the word miscarry still stuck in my throat. “He said you told him I didn’t love him. Why did you do that?”
I heard him puff out a deep breath of air. “He hurt you Ella.”
“He hurt me, so you decided to take it into your own hands and tell him that I didn’t love him? How could you do that? You ruined everything Drew. Now YOU’VE hurt me.” I was surprised with how calm my voice sounded. Each word was even, clipped.
“You don’t know that Ella. And you weren’t there, after you lost the baby. Had he never…”
“He didn’t make me lose the baby Drew. It just happened. As for you… You made me lose him. And I don’t think I can ever forgive you for something like that Drew.” With that, I hung up on him.

With Jason cleaning the crate, I decided it was a good time to get away and get to the store for some puppy supplies. Along the way I decided to call Toni, who I had been ignoring for the past couple weeks. There had just been so much going on, I couldn’t keep up with everyone. She was good though, at giving me space, having left only one message to call her whenever I got the chance.
“Hey you, long time no talk.” She answered.
“Yeah, sorry. It’s been… An adventure.”
“I’ll bet.” She answered, laughing. “Wanna tell me about it? I got a sec, Nick took the kids to dinner to give me a night to myself.”
“How nice. I don’t want to unload my shit on you during your one night off, Tone.”
“Drama would be nice. The only drama I see anymore is when Swiper tries to go swiping.” She laughed.
“Jason’s here. Without Kayla.”
“Ohhh, so soon?”
“Yeah. Get this, he and Kayla can’t have kids, but she wants them. So he asked me to carry a baby for them.”
“Carry as in?”
“Yeah, get pregnant, give birth too, and hand over to them.”
“What’d you say?” She asked. I could picture her, in their living room, sitting on the edge of her seat, waiting to hear more.
“I told him I couldn’t. I went off on him for being so selfish. I told him I was in love with him.”
“Oh Ella.”
“I know. Worse yet, he asks me since when I’ve been in love with him.”
“Why would he ask that? Is that boy that blind?” She laughed a little.
“Drew told him, after… After I lost the baby. Jason called, and Drew answered. He told him I wasn’t in love with him anymore.”
“I can’t say I’m surprised.”
“Really?” I asked, my voice rising a little too high. “I was.”
“Of course you were, hon.” She laughed. “You’re as clueless as Jason.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. I was used to being compared to Jason, everyone said we were just alike, but I didn’t know what she meant in this instance.
“Oh Ella.” She sighed. “You’ve always had Jason… And Drew. Well, he’s always had you.”
“What do you mean?” And then, it dawned on me. “Oh no, Toni. Drew and I, we aren’t like that, at all. We haven’t even kissed.”
“Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you guys to be.” She stated plainly. I chose to ignore it.
“It doesn’t give him a right to meddle. He shouldn’t have told Jason what he did.”
“Ella. You don’t know what you were like, after the miscarriage. You, were a zombie. You didn’t talk, you didn’t sleep, you didn’t eat, you didn’t do anything. I’m not saying you didn’t have a right to act this way but… You scared a lot of people. Drew was just trying to protect you. Cut him a break.”
“It’s hard to do that Toni. Who knows where Jason and I would be right now if Drew hadn’t lied.”
“You’re right. Who knows? Nobody does. You coulda been with him. You could be married to him, or dated him and broke up with him. You could have never gotten with him. Nobody knows. We just know what the right now is. And right now he’s married to someone who isn’t you, and you’ve got to let that go.”
“Everyone keeps saying that, let it go. And they make it sound like it’s just that easy. To make that choice and to do it.”
“It IS that easy Ella. You make the choice to let it go, and eventually you will. It’s a day by day process. And you can start that process by not being mad at Drew. He was only trying to protect you, and maybe you didn’t need the protection. He loves you Ella. Whether you want to believe it’s more than friends or not, you can’t deny that the boy loves you.”
“I know Toni.”
“What’d you tell Jason about the baby?”
“I haven’t really told him anything. I mean, I sort of want to help him. It’s not Kayla’s fault she’s infertile. And it seems kind of unfair, that I can, and she can’t, and I won’t help them. And I do love Jason.”
“Yeah, but it’s because you love Jason that you shouldn’t, Ella. You and Jason were supposed to have a baby, and this will be, in a sense, yours and Jason’s baby. I don’t see that as being a healthy thing for you.”
“It wouldn’t be my baby though, it would be his and Kayla’s.” I argued back.
“You know what I mean, Ella. It’s not a good idea.”
“Nothing I do is a good idea.” I mumbled. I had been throwing various things into the cart, nyla bones, training treats, kongs, a few loofa dogs, and puppy food. I pulled my cart up to the check out.
“I know, and look at where it’s gotten you. So stop doing stupid things.”
“I know, I know, I know. We can’t all have it together like you, Tone.” I said, smiling. When I first met Toni, her tough-love honesty was off putting. Now I’ve come to appreciate it.
“I better go. I should get home and spend some time with him.”
“Yeah, just don’t have too good of a time, if you know what I mean.” She warned.

When I came home, Jason was on the couch, waiting. I dropped the stuff, and sat next to him, watching the puppies wiggle over to the supplies and check them out.
“Hey. Crate’s clean. I set it up in the kitchen.” He said.
“Thanks.” We fell into a silence.
“I am sorry, Ella.” He said a few minutes later. “Had I known your feelings for me… Well, I wouldn’t have asked. This whole thing, it’s had to have been hard on you.”
“Yeah well.” I shrugged. “I’ll be OK. I am happy for you Jason. I just wish it could have been me. And it’s going to take some time, and I’m probably going to need some space.”
“Yeah. I’ll tell Kayla to back off a little on the baby thing. I just think she’s panicked about Iraq. I mean I’ve been before, but I think every time I go back, her panic level rises. Like, how many times can I go and come back safe? I think a baby… She feels like it’s a promise that I’ll try a little harder to come home safe.”
“It’s not ‘no’ forever, OK? I may be able to help you guys out one day.” I paused, and cleared my throat. “I DO want to help you guys out. Right now, it’s just too much for me.”
“I understand.” He said. He bumped my shoulder with his, and I smiled.
“I love you Jason.”
“I love you too, El.”

Jason and I spent the rest of the night playing cards and talking. He went to bed, and woke me early the next morning with a kiss on the forehead and a goodbye. He promised to come home to Indiana if he was in fact going to get shipped out. I promised to call if I felt like I was ready. He also told me that he didn’t plan on telling Kayla any of what had been said. I was grateful for that.

I spent the rest of my time off decompressing and puppy training. The puppies were a great distraction and took time training and playing with them. I attended Bark Park, and a few other events, with adopt me! Bandana’s on the puppies. I took information, talked to people, and was slightly relieved when I felt like none of the people would be a good match for the dogs. I didn’t want to see them go. Still, I knew they would have too eventually, and four dogs were way too many to keep, especially four dogs of that size. I had also gotten the lecture from Nancy many times that I did more good fostering many animals than just adopting one. Still, I missed having one constant dog in my life, and I was considering keeping at least one of the dogs.
I decided to use working with kids to my advantage, and I knew that while my first day back at work would be a crazy one, that the kids wouldn’t have any homework, being the first day back at school for them. I decided to take in one of the puppies to see how they adjusted to the kids. I had done this many times before, and my workplace actually encouraged it as long as the dogs were puppies. They didn’t want to take the legal risk of a full grown dog attacking one of the kids.
I got to work earlier than usual, and set up out in the courtyard. The courtyard was gorgeous, designed by our directors husband. The courtyard was basically a square, lined with doors on all sides. On the left side, the doors were made from glass, and those led into the kitchen. There was a concrete patio running out from all the doors, where the girls liked to jump rope and play hop scotch. The boys however, liked to play tag and other rough and tumble games out in the grass, running up the circular staircase in the middle. At the top of the staircase was a sculpture of a child, surrounded by glass bubbles. I loved it out here. Humming to myself. I let the puppy, this one I had named Cumulus (there was Cumulus, Stratus, Cirrus, and Altostratus, aka Alto), wander aimlessly around the yard, peeing on various things.
The kids came, and they loved the puppy. The boys chased Cumulus around, and the girls awww’d over him and carried him around as much as I would let them. At snack time, they slipped Cumulus bits and pieces of their after school meal. Watching the kids with the dog, and how happy they were, made me think of my life. Where would I be right now if I had a baby of my own? What would my child be doing? Would he or she like dogs? My hand went absently to my stomach, as I tried to touch the cold, hollow place that my baby had left behind. I was a little bit sad to know that it would probably be awhile before I had any babies of my own. It was unfair, that I was handed a baby when I least expected it, and then once I had gotten used to the idea, it had been yanked away. Unfair still, that now when I was in a position to maybe handle a baby, with a steady income and a home of my own, I would have to wait. Thinking of that, though, made me think of Kayla and Jason. I couldn’t stop thinking about how unfair it was to them, to not only have the space, time, and money, but the partner. And still be told no over something that you had no control over what-so-ever. Be told no because something horrific had happened to you, when you were just a child. I thought of Kayla, how she was so bouncy and happy, upbeat all the time. To know something like that had happened to her, and she had not only survived it, but in fact thrived despite it. Well, I felt like she deserved some sort of reward.
As group wrapped up for the day and I cleaned up, taking out the trash and picking up random bits of paper the kids had strewn, Cumulus laid on the concrete. Snoring and wiped out from all the attention. I laughed as I thought about brining all four dogs in every day, they’d never be hyper again! I sat down next to him, taking my cell phone out of my back pocket. I picked Cumulus up, cradling him as best I could in one arm, like a baby. In the other hand, I entered a text message.
To: Kayla, Jason
From: Me
Let’s talk babies.

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Because I'm posting this now, I might not post for the rest of the weekend. My son has been off all day, sleeping a lot and what not, and when I just put him down I noticed he felt warm. I took his temp and he has a low-grade fever. No other real symptoms, I'm not even sure it'll turn into anything, but I know when he gets sick he gets VERY clingy, so I didn't want to leave you guys hanging all weekend, and I don't think many people read on the weekends anyway (and if people do, they probably don't check here until the day a post is "due" so, same diff.) I hope y'all don't mind.

I stormed back to the cottage and slammed open the front door. Jason was in the kitchen, playing cards still.
“You and I need to have a conversation. Alone.” I said, loudly.
The boys ooh’d and a few of them patted Jason on the back as they exited the room.
“We’ll be at the pool Blanco, if you make it out alive!” One of them called.
“What’s wrong with you?” Jason asked, still holding his cards in one hand.
“What’s wrong with you? I come all this way, to talk, and you can’t even be bothered to pick me up from the airport!” I yelled.
“I had trainings Ella. I can’t just drop my life because you decide it’s time to get over your hissy fit.”
“Oh, why not Jas? That’s what you did to me EVERY time you got mad. Run away and randomly pop up with no explanation. Is that what I was supposed to do? Not talk about it?”
Jason ran his hand over his face, throwing down his cards on the table. “What is there to talk about, exactly?” He asked, rubbing his forehead.
“Us, Jason. And what is going on with us.” I answered, slumping down into a chair.
“There’s nothing going on with us Ella. We fight. We’ve always fought. It happens.” He shrugged.
“So maybe the better question is, what’s going on with you and Kayla?”
I saw him wince slightly. “Nothing.” He lied. “Why would you think something was going on?”
“Because supposedly she thought it was a good idea to pair me up with Jacob, and you agreed. You guys must have discussed this last weekend when you were holed up with each other.”
“Jacob told you.” He said. And then he shrugged. “Yeah, she was here. Why does it matter?”
“Why is it so wrong that I wanna know where we stand Jason? Does Kayla ever ask you these things?”
“I just don’t see why it matters. Kayla knows she and I aren’t together, you know you and I aren’t together. Does it need any more explanation than that?”
“Sometimes it would be nice, yeah. I just don’t get where I went wrong. Where we went wrong.”
“I don’t get why you always have to turn it into this. I’m young I’m fighting for this country and could lose my life in the process. Why can’t I just have some fun for a little while?”
“You can Jason. I just want to know that before I get into anything. I want it to be my choice. Do I want to have fun or do I want to leave for something more serious?”
He was quiet for a minute. “You can do whatever it is you want Ella. Don’t stick around on my account.” With that, he got up and walked away.
I didn’t know what I had said that had made him shut down like that. I got up and followed him.
“Don’t Ella.” He said, as soon as I walked into the bedroom we were sharing.
“Don’t what?” I asked.
“I’m done. I’m tired of this. I’m not doing it anymore. All this back and forth and arguing and saying crap to hurt each other. They’re sending me to Iraq, you know. And I just… I’m done with this.”
“Done with me?” I asked.
He was silent. I wasn’t prepared for the arrow I felt pierce my heart, and the white hot anger that followed it.
I reached into the front part of my bag, and pulled out the pictures the doctor had printed for me. For a moment, I contemplated handing them to him. To tell him that it was fine if he was done with me, but the baby and I would be done with him, and we’d do just fine without him. But then, my pride got the better of me. I didn’t want him to stay just for the baby. And, I knew if he offered to stay, I wouldn’t be able to tell him no. The question of why he was staying would always taint whatever relationship we had. I shoved the pictures back into my suitcase.
“I should go home.” I said, breaking the silence.
“I don’t want you to go Ella. I was happy when you texted. I missed you. But, I just want to have fun.”
So I stayed. It was like we were back to the old Ella and Jason. Yes, we spent time with the guys, in the pool, horse playing and splashing. But there was time spent in our room, talking, giggling, and holding each other. There were even a few kisses. I didn’t have sex with him, I couldn’t, and I didn’t tell him about the baby. I wasn’t really sure how to go about doing that. I knew now that I would keep the baby, that I had too. While I support a woman’s right to choose, the right choice for me was no abortion, and I knew that in my heart the whole time. Still, I couldn’t dump it on him, right before he left for Iraq. I knew I also couldn’t not tell him, and have him come home to me with a baby that might look a lot like him. When I boarded the plane that Monday morning, my stomach was in knots. Partly because while I had given Jason a good good-bye, complete with a hug that lasted for about an hour, and a kiss that probably would have turned any gay man straight, I still didn’t know if I’d see him again before he left in September. The other half was the fact that I still hadn’t told him. I knew he was coming home for a goodbye party in a couple weeks, before he left, but it wasn’t the right time to drop something like that on him. I also knew Kayla would be there, and I didn’t know how I felt about that.
On the plane ride home, though, I decided I would tell him at his going away party. I had too.

I called Drew when I landed.
“How’d it go?” He asked.
“It went… Weird. I didn’t tell him.”
“Ella…” Drew’s voice started, in a warning tone.
“Drew, I couldn’t tell him. He told me he was leaving for Iraq. How could I tell him?”
“How could you not tell him? You don’t think someone’s gonna notice that you’re pregnant Ell? You don’t think that he’s going to notice you have a baby when he comes home?”
“I know Drew. I’ll tell him.”
“When?” He demanded.
“His going away party.”
“Yeah, cuz that’s party information.”
“Well, do you have any better ideas, wise guy?” I asked. I was tired, my back was sore. I was tired of waiting for Jarren to come pick me up.
“Yeah, you should rewind time and tell him when you were in California.” Drew said sarcastically.
“If I could rewind time, I wouldn’t be pregnant right now.”
“Do you mean that Ell?” Drew sounded a little hurt.
“I’m keeping the baby, Drew. But, is right now the best time to have a baby? No.”
“I made you an appointment. I hope you don’t mind, but I figured if you did decide to keep it, you should be seen by your own doctor as soon as possible.”
I laughed. Maybe other girls would have been off put by his enthusiasm, but I found it endearing. “Thanks, Drew.”
“Your appointment is this Friday. And. I was thinking Ella. I need a new apartment, and maybe I could come live down by you?”
“Drew, you don’t have to do that.”
“I know Ella, but I’d like being closer to you, and I could help with the baby stuff since Jason’s going to be away.” He paused, and said, barely audible “I want to do it.”
“Well, OK Drew. C’mon down and we’ll find you a job and a place to stay.” I said, smiling. Just then, Jarren pulled up. “Drewbie, Jarren’s here, so I gotta jet.”
“OK, well, I’ll be up there Thursday night to take you to your appointment Friday.”
“Alrighty Drewbie. Love you.” And I clicked my phone shut. I was happy now that everything seemed to be falling into place.

I spent the next few days unpacking and doing laundry from camp. I felt like I hadn’t been home in forever. The apartment still needed to be cleaned from the party that happened the night before I left for Indiana (Jarren had a few perks, cleanliness was not one of them.) I also spent some time laying around doing nothing, which felt nice for a change. Thursday came, and Drew rolled in, and Jarren was excited. She had always had a thing for Drew, and even though he treated her like an annoying little sister, Jarren still held out hope. It was pretty amusing to me to watch her parade herself around in what she thought were sexy outfits, or cooking meals for Drew, hoping the old saying rang true, and she could find her way to his heart through his stomach. Drew paid special attention to me, making sure I was laying down, and drinking plenty of water. I had yet to tell Jarren what was going on yet, but she didn’t really notice anything. Just Drew.
Drew came with me to the doctors on Friday. He had said on the phone that they’d told him they’d check to see if they could hear the heartbeat yet, and so he brought a recorder to record it. He wanted to document everything for Jason, which I thought was sweet. I was a little bummed, I had been hoping for another ultrasound, but hearing the heartbeat would be exciting as well.
At the doctors it was pretty much the same routine at the clinic. I had to pee in a cup. My weight was taken. My blood pressure was taken. This time I didn’t have to change into a gown. I waited on the cold table, but was amused to see that the stirrups were covered in socks.
The doctor knocked a came in. A young, pretty woman with dark features. She smiled broadly.
“Hello Ella! I’m Dr. Vaneck. How are you feeling?”
“Pretty good.” I answered, smiling back.
“No morning sickness? Headaches? Anything like that?” She asked, flipping through my chart.
“Nope, not yet.”
“Lucky.” She answered, winking at me. “Your urine’s good, we’ll check that every time you come in, for protein.” She thumbed through a few more things and set down my folder. “Alright.” She said, rubbing her hands together. “Ready to see if we can hear a heartbeat?”
I smiled, nodded, and laid back on the table. She put on some gloves, lifted my shirt, and pulled out what looked to be a microphone attached to a box. A heart beat banged out, loud and echoing. It sounded as if it was under water, which in a way, I guess it was.
“Not the baby’s.” She said, probing around some more with the microphone thingy. “That’s your heartbeat.” She tried a few more spots, and gave up. “No big deal, if your placenta is attached to your anterior wall, you may not be able to hear the heartbeat for awhile. And, they could be off on your due date.” She wheeled over to the sink and grabbed some gel. “We’ll try an ultrasound.”
I smiled, happy that I would, in fact, get to see the little guy (or gal!) again. She squeezed some goo onto my stomach and pushed the wand down.
I started to get worried when she didn’t turn the screen towards me, so I could see. I leaned up slightly, on my elbows, and looked at her. She was shaking her head slightly.
“What? Dr. Vaneck?” I bit my bottom lip.
“I’m sorry Ella. There’s no heartbeat.”

This will all make perfect sense... Someday

I started coughing uncontrollably. Jason looked at me, shocked, not knowing what to do.
“Ella, are you OK? Do you want some water?” He asked, waving the glass in front of my face. I knocked it out of his hand and shot him a look. By now, the entire restaurant was looking at us.
“Uh, I’ll get our check.” He squeaked, leaving the table to find the waitress.
I put my head in my hands. Why didn’t I just tell him not to come? Why didn’t I find an excuse – any excuse at all, to be busy and unavailable for a visit?
“Ready Ells?” Jason asked, setting his hand on my shoulder. I jerked it off. I was seething, and I didn’t want him to touch me.
I stormed off, and got into the car. This time I was driving, and I was half tempted to leave him here.
“Ella..” He started, getting into the car. He had lost the sheepish puppy dog look and had put on a stone mask in it’s place.
“Don’t.” I interjected.
“No. I don’t get it. I understand it’s a lot to ask, but what I don’t understand is why you’re so angry.”
I laughed. “What I don’t understand, is how you could even attempt to broach this subject with me of all people.”
“You’re my best friend Ella. I thought you’d understand.”
“All I understand is that you moved on in your life without me, and have no place for me in it except for when I can help you out.” I sped off, trying to keep my anger in check. I didn’t need to get into an accident or get a ticket right now. “Jesus Jason, you call once a month, if that, I see you a couple times a year, and then you pop up with something like this. I just don’t get how you can even call me your best friend anymore. You don’t know me at all, you don’t even know why I missed your wedding.”
“You were sick… I know that.”
“Yeah, sick. Jason. Right. Jesus, how self absorbed ARE you?” I asked, slamming my breaks to avoid running a red light.
“What do you mean?” He asked, his voice rising to match mine.
“I’m in LOVE with you, you idiot. Don’t ask me how, and certainly don’t ask me why. You’re such a self centered JACKASS.” I yelled, taking off as soon as the light switched to green. I reached forward and turned on the radio, turned it up. Jason reached forward to turn it down, or off, I’m not sure which, but I shot him a look and he shrunk back.
We got home in record time. I stopped the car in front of the house, not parking.
“Get out. Let the dogs outside.” I ordered.
“Where are you going?”
“Out.” I snapped.
“Ella you ALWAYS do this. You drop some bomb and you run away and shut me out.”
“YOU’VE been dropping bombs of your own Jason, and I need a second, a couple of seconds actually, away from you to get my head on straight. I can’t handle this right now and I can’t handle you. You need to get out of the car and leave me alone.”
“I’m still going to be here when you get back.” He said, exiting the car.
The door had barely shut before I took off again. My head pounded and my hands shook. I wanted to run away, drive until I got to Drew’s, but the puppies… Besides. Jason was right in a way. Our relationship wasn’t totally his fault. Yes, he ran away and shut me out, but I had done the same thing to him plenty of times. I drove to Antrim park, which was mercifully empty, and sat on the dock. There was only one thing to do. I picked up the phone and I called Drew.
“Hello?” He answered, groggy.
“Did you know why he was coming?” I snapped.
“Ella?” He mumbled. “What’s the matter?”
“I asked you a question, Drew. Did you know why he was coming?”
“Who?” He asked. I heard him take a deep breath in and yawn. “Jason?”
“Yeah, Jason. Who else?”
“No, Ell. I told you what he said. He didn’t tell me why he was coming.” He yawned again. “He’s there already? How’s seeing them together?”
“He’s not here with her. He’s here, alone. Because he has a question to ask me. And you know what that was?”
“If you’d be his lover?” Drew joked. I could tell he was trying to lighten the mood, but I wasn’t in the mood.
“Ohhhh.” I laughed, sarcastically. “In a ways of sorts. He wants me to have his baby.”
“What?” Drew snapped. I could tell he was wide awake now.
“Yup. Kayla can’t have any babies. And there’s rumors of another tour going on, and she wants to be pregnant before he leaves. Only she can’t have babies, so he wants me to carry their child.”
“That’s…” Drew trailed off, struggling for words.
“I know. I know what that is. It’s bullshit. How could he even ask me that Drew?”
Drew was quiet for a moment. “Well.” He sighed. “What’d you tell him?”
“I told him the truth Drew. That I was in love with him.”
“Why would you do that?” Drew asked, his words loud and shocked.
“Because he didn’t know Drew. Because I couldn’t believe he’d ask me something like that if he did know. Because really, what else was I supposed to tell him?”
“You could have just told him no?”
“And what would be my reason?”
“Uh, what WOULDN’T be your reason? That’s a big favor to ask of ANYONE, and I can think of a million and one reasons to say no that have nothing to do with being in love with someone.”
“Why are you so upset that I told him?”
Drew sighed deeply. “I just don’t think it needed to be said Ella. I mean you and Jason have been going back and forth for what feels like forever. And I’m sick of it. It’s over, done, and I just don’t think drudging up old things is good for you or for him.”
“It’s not like I was in love with him five years ago Drew. I’m in love with him now.” I didn’t understand why Drew was getting so worked up.
“And how did it help things, Ell? How does it help anything?”
“You know, Drew, since you’re so tired of hearing about my problems I just won’t bother you with them anymore.”
“No, El…” Was all I heard before I turned my phone off.

I didn’t stay at Antrim much longer. There was nothing I could do but go home. I was so tired and so exhausted, and I felt like I had been fighting Jason for so long. It all just needed to end today. I needed to put it to rest. Maybe we’d be friends, maybe it wouldn’t, but I couldn’t keep doing it forever.
When I got home, I heard the dogs yapping in the backyard, so I didn’t bother with the house. Just walked to the back gate. Jason was sitting at the picnic table.
“We need to talk.” He said.
“Thank you Captain Obvious.” I said, dropping my stuff down and sitting next to him.
“Don’t be a smartass, Ella. This is serious and I’m tired of all the smart ass answers.”
“I’m sorry Jason, I’m just. Tired too.”
“So. You’re in love with me?”
I blushed. “Yeah. I thought it was pretty obvious, Jay. I mean…”
“Since when?” Jason interrupted.
“What?” I asked, confused. “Since when has it been obvious?”
“No, Ella. You being in love with me. Since when?”
“Jason I’ve always been in love with you. I guess since practically the first day that I met you. I thought you knew.”
“I knew you did at some points. I just thought…” He trailed off and looked away.
“You thought what?” I prompted.
“I thought you stopped. I thought you were over me. Years ago. That’s why I started dating Kayla, actually.” His eyebrows were knotted together, and he was staring at his hands like an answer would appear in them.

I was quiet for a moment, unsure of what to say. Was he trying to tell me that had it not been for him thinking I was over him, that he never would have gotten with Kayla? That we would have been together? Or was him being with Kayla inevitable. Just something that would happen. All I knew is I was tired of guess work, and tired of wondering what if, and might have beens. Jason was with Kayla now. Why did it matter how he had gotten there?

“Why’d you think I was over you, anyway?” I asked, ready to drop the conversation.
“Drew told me. After you left from visiting in California the first time.”
“What?” I asked, confused. I had never told Drew I was over Jason.
“Yeah, after you left, I felt bad. I had been avoiding you, and you had come all this way… So I called you, to apologize. I had some leave coming up before we got sent to Iraq so, I wanted to make plans with you. But when I called you, Drew answered, and he told me that you had told him that you were over me.”
“Why would he do that?” I asked. I had come home from California, and Drew had come for a visit shortly after I was home. He had decided to look for an apartment in Ohio, with the baby on the way, he thought he could help. But I hadn’t even told him what happened with Jason. Just that it had been a long, frustrating weekend.
“What do you mean?”
“I never told him that. I was never over you Jason. Why would Drew do that?”

So here's the thing

I wanted to post this, but I wanted to also make my intentions clear. I am a cheapskate, lol. I hate spending money. Love having it, hate parting with it, always seem broke. Recently though, I fanned a page on facebook, which gives away freebies. Normally I don't do this because it's either some scam (you can win a free wii if you just accept this credit card that will put you more into debt than the wii is worth!) or "get 5 million of your close personal friends to sign up and we send them spam all day long and you can earn a penny!" type deals. However, while this page on facebook has a few of those offers, a lot of them are give-aways (I got a free pack of disposable razors YaY!) as well as internet coupons (which are my fave.) So I figured if you guys don't mind, I'll occasionally tell you guys the codes I got, or whatever. Most of these things don't benefit me (there is one thing I'm going to post today that DOES benefit me, as well as you) But I just figured I'd "share the wealth"

If you have a wal-greens near you, and you have pictures to be printed, use the coupon code buy25get25, and just like the code says, if you buy 25 pictures, you get 25 pictures free. You just upload the pictures onto walgreens.com, and then at checkout it'll ask you for coupon codes, if you pick up in stores, I think it's only around 4 dollars for 50 prints, which isn't bad. If you don't have a walgreens near you, you can still use it, you just have to pay for shipping, and I'm not sure how much that is. I think this coupon expires saturday.

www.snapfish.com is also a good photo website, my fave, and often times they run a new members gets free prints, so you may want to check that out. It's really good for photo gifts.

Now this next thing is the thing that's going to benefit me as well as you, lol. The fan page told me about a website called www.swagbucks.com. You sign up for it, get no spam, just use their search engine (which is powered by google and ask.com, so it's not a crappy one.) and you randomly win swagbucks. You can earn swagbucks and trade them in on things like game consoles, and giftcards. Some of the prizes of course, are a little hard to obtain, but a five dollar gift card to amazon.com only takes 45 swagbucks. I mean, it's not a horrible deal considering you didn't really have to do anything to "earn" bucks, other than search. And I use search engines a lot. You also earn swagbucks for signing up, and for referring friends. If you friend them on facebook, twitter, or read their blog, they randomly have codes that earn you bucks as well. I thought it was a pretty good deal, and thought I'd post their widget to see if any of y'all were interested, and then I could refer you and make "bucks" of my own :-)





I'm ALWAYS open to internet codes and deals, so if you guys know of any (or good coupon sites) please, let me know. As long as they are LEGIT. I won't pass on any scams to you guys, and so far I've only gotten one confirmation email from swagbucks, so I also won't pass on any sites that spam the crap out of me.

New post tomorrow :-)

Flashback: Over the line can't define what I'm after

Drew and I stepped out into the heat of the morning. My head was spinning and all I could think was, somebody stop this thing, I’m going to puke! There was no way to stop it though, it was my life.
“What are you going to do?” Drew asked, breaking me of my thoughts.
“I don’t know Drew. I can’t have a baby right now, and I can’t have Jason’s baby.”
“So, you’re gonna…” He trailed off and stopped walking to look at me.
“I don’t know.” I snapped again. I was all about the freedom of choice. But right now, I really wished someone would make the choice for me. I didn’t feel like I could go through with an abortion, but I also didn’t feel like I could go through a pregnancy and birth, let alone raising a child.
“You know Jason’s never going to let you do that.” Drew said, sounding a little angry.
“I don’t need Jason’s permission to do anything Drew. It’s my body. When Jason has to carry a baby for nine months and then give birth to it, well. Then he can have a say in things. But right now, it’s all on me.” I didn’t want to do this right now, I didn’t want to fight with Drew. I felt my chest start to tighten, and my breathing became audible. I started to turn away from Drew, but he caught my arm and pulled me to him.
“Ella, I’m sorry. It’s OK. I’ll support you no matter what.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my head and my forehead. “Just relax, OK? We’ll figure it out. I’ll be here for you.”
I bit my lip. “I just don’t know how to tell him, Drew. And it’s like, I have less than a week to decide what I’m going to do, and I don’t know. I don’t even know where to start.”
“Why can’t you do it with Jason?” He asked. He had let me go, but had kept a hold of my hand, walking me back towards the car.
“Because.” I sighed, running my hand through my hair. “You know Jason, Drew. And he’s so…”
“Stubborn. Set in his ways.” Drew finished me.
“Exactly. He thinks his way is right and he doesn’t deviate from it. And he gets so angry. There is never a discussion with him, it’s just arguing.”
“You can be the same way you know.” Drew said, looking me in the eye. “Just go. Be honest. Work it out. If he shuts you out, I’ll still be here. We’ll figure it out.”
I bit my bottom lip. “I could lose him for forever.”
“Ella, I hate to say this, but you may already have.”

Drew took care of me for the rest of the week, pampering me, and not talking about anything baby related unless I brought it up first. I was shocked with how much he knew, until I got on his computer one night and found that he had been researching it. It made me feel more relaxed, knowing the Drew met what he said. He had looked up all three options, and I really felt like that meant he would be behind me no matter what.
Of course, time went by too quickly, and before I knew it I was at the airport. Drew was barking orders about me, what to eat, what not to eat, reminders to take my pre-natals every day. We had both decided that until I made a final decision, I should treat my body as if I was keeping the baby.
I slept on the plane. I don’t know if it was just the pregnancy hormones finally kicking in, or the fact that I knew a pregnancy side effect was tiredness and my brain was tricking me into feeling it, but I couldn’t be in a moving object for more than five minutes without passing out. I woke up when we touched down, groggy and confused. It took me a second to get my bearings, to remember where I was, and when I did, I felt my stomach flop. I’d be seeing Jason in a matter of minutes.
I’d chosen slightly baggy clothes, because it felt like overnight, a small baby bump had popped up. Again, I couldn’t tell if it was all in my mind, or if it really existed, but I didn’t want anything to spill the news to Jason before I was ready. Then again, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready, and I worried that if he didn’t push me, I wouldn’t spill the beans at all.
Jason was supposed to meet me at the baggage claim, and I found myself dragging my feet to buy more time. I was however, surprised and a little panicked to discover when I got there, that there was no Jason in sight. My flight had been delayed, so he should have been here.
I was only there for two days, so I didn’t have any luggage to claim. Everything I brought fit into a carry-on. I still stood by the conveyor belt, tapping my foot , waiting impatiently, and trying not to freak out.
Still, I jumped about a mile when someone tapped me on the shoulder.
“Ella?” The deep voice questioned.
“Yes?” I hesitated, turning. He was tall, muscular, with tan skin and black hair. His eyes were brown, and if not for the military uniform he was in, he seriously looked like he had stepped out of an Abercrombie and Fitch ad.
“My name’s Jacob, Jacob Greene. Jason left you a message that I’d be picking you up?”
“Oh.” I said. My phone. Yeah, it would have been a good idea to turn on my phone and check my messages.
Jacob smiled and nodded towards my bag. “This all you brought?” He asked.
“Yes.” I said, absently. My mind was still on Jason. He had said he was going to pick me up. Why didn’t he come? “Where is Jas?” I asked, as Jacob leaned down and picked up my bag.
“He couldn’t get off his assignment in time. So, he asked me to come get you and bring you to the hotel.”
“Oh.” I answered again, biting my bottom lip. I didn’t know why my feelings were hurt, but they were. I hadn’t even wanted to see Jason, so this small delay should have been a god-send for me. But, it didn’t feel like that. It felt almost like a snub. I shook it off and followed Jacob, who was already going off toward the car rental counter.
I huffed to catch up.
“Sorry, I had a friend drop me off, Jason wanted a car for the weekend, so I told him we’d get one.”
“Oh.” I replied, yet again. I was a master of words today, it seemed.
Jacob cracked a smile.
“What?” I asked, clueless as to what was so funny.
“Blanco said you’d be talking my ear off. And yet you’ve hardly managed three words.”
“Sorry.” I blushed. “I’m just really tired.”
“S’ok. We have a little bit of a drive, so you should be able to nap in the car.” He answered, smirking again.
We got to our car and Jacob threw my bag in the back. I climbed in, and was asleep by the time we pulled out of the airport traffic.
I woke instantly when the car stopped. Still groggy, and suddenly very, very, very hungry.
“Where are we?” I asked, rubbing my eyes and smoothing my hair.
“At the hotel.” He answered. I looked up. We weren’t at a hotel, we were pulled up in front of a house.
“Jason got us a house?” I said, confused.
“No, we split it. We tend to come up here every weekend, party. Blow off some steam.”
“Oh…” I trailed off. Again, I had assumed we’d be alone. And again, while it should have been a relief, I felt stung, like Jason didn’t want to be around me alone either.
As we entered the cottage, I heard voices. Several voices. We rounded the corner, to where Jason sat at a table with three other guys. They were playing cards and smoking, and when I entered the room, Jason looked up and smiled.
“Ella! Good to see you.” He said standing. “Welcome to the party!”
“Oh. Hey guys.” I managed a weak wave. Names were announced, hands were shook, but honestly, I couldn’t remember anything. I was too caught off guard. Jason hadn’t mentioned anything about other people, and I would have thought he would have wanted some alone time.
“Ella, we’re staying in the first room on your right, go drop your stuff in there and come join.” Jason said, pulling an empty chair up next to him.
“Uh, actually Jay, I’m really hungry…”
“There’s food in the fridge, I can make you a sandwich.” He said, not looking at me, but instead at his cards.
“I kinda wanted to go out. Get some fresh air, you know…” I trailed off, being drowned out by basic boy noise. I slunk back into the room that was ours, set my stuff down, and pulled out my cell phone. I dialed Drew’s number and waited for him to pick up.
“Hey Ella.” He said. It was hard to hear him, there was a lot of background noise.
“Hey… Where are you?” I asked.
“I’m out, I uh, I’m… I’m on a date.” He said.
“Oh…” I don’t know why my heart sunk at that. I shook it off, it was good for Drew to date. I was just used to him being mine, was all. “Well, why’d you answer your phone, silly?”
“She went to the bathroom. Besides, I wanted to see how it was going.”
“It’s fine, fine. Good times.” I lied. I didn’t want him worried about me when he should be focusing on his date. There was nothing he could do anyway.
“Did you tell him?” He asked.
“Not yet, I just got here. But, we’re doing dinner. I’ll probably tell him then.”
“It’ll be OK Ella.” He said, mistaking the disappointment in my voice for worry.
“I know Drewbie. I’ll let you go. Call me later and tell me how your date went.” I said, hanging up. There was a slight knock at the door. “Come in.” I answered, expecting Jason.
Instead it was Jacob’s head that popped in. “If you want to go out and get some food, I’ll go with you. This place has a really great restaurant. They make their own sourdough.”
I didn’t want to go with Jacob, but I didn’t want to sit here either. And according to the list the doctor made me, I wasn’t supposed to eat lunch meat unless I micro-waved it first., and I didn’t really know how to explain that to Jason. That’s not the way I wanted to tell him I was pregnant. ‘hey Jay, can you nuke that bologna? Yeah, the doc says lunchmeat could have listeria, and even worse, packaged lunch meat have high levels of sodium nitrate, which isn’t good for the baby. What baby you say? Oh silly, I’m pregnant. It’s yours!’
“It’s OK if you’d rather stay with Jay.” He said, backing out the door.
“No, Jacob. I’m with you.” I grabbed my wallet and we left the cottage. I didn’t say anything to Jason. If he wanted to ignore me and blow me off, that’s fine. Two could play at that game.
Jacob had changed out of his uniform into what he called his “civies”. He looked good in dark jeans and a black tee shirt. I couldn’t help but think the guy was gorgeous, even with other things on my mind. He was muscular, a little short, but that was OK. He had an easy smile and that preppy look that I always seemed to crush on. I dated geeky guys, funny guys, but always crushed on the popular preppy ones. His eyes were soft and his hair was mussed, and being with him was easy, like it was with Drew. Silence wasn’t uncomfortable, which was good, because I wasn’t much of a conversationalist. We sat at the table and the restaurant, ordered drinks, and Jacob ordered some of their sourdough bread. He raved about it for a few seconds, talking about how it was homemade and delicious.
“You want me to leave you and the bread alone, Jacob?” I joked when they brought out the basket.
“No.” He laughed. “It’s just rare to get anything homemade around here.”
We munched on the bread in silence for a few.
“So you and Jason have known each other for awhile now, huh?”
“Since I was twelve.” I answered.
“You must miss him a lot when he’s gone.” Jacob picked up another piece and bit down.
“Yeah. Jason’s and my relationship has always been… Complicated, though. So…” I trailed off.
“He talks about you a lot. But he never mentioned how gorgeous you were.”
I blushed and ducked my head a little. “Yeah well, thanks.”
“When he mentioned trying to hook me up with you, I was hesitant. I mean for one, there’s the way he talks about you, which led me to believe you two had something, and two… I don’t really do blind dates.”
“Wait. Jason wanted to hook us up?”
“Yeah, he said you were coming down for the weekend and we should meet. He thought we’d hit it off.”
“Oh he did?” I asked, feeling more and more annoyed.
“Well, actually, Kayla was the one who brought it up. But. Jason agreed. And he’s the one who told me you were coming down here.”
“Kayla’s here?” I asked. My leg started to shake. I almost felt like one of those cartoon characters with the steam coming out of their ears.
“No.” Jacob paused as the waiter set down our food. He took a second to salt and arranged his food before he continued. “A couple weekends ago.”
“Are..” I stopped. I wasn’t sure how to word this so I didn’t look interested. I decided I’d just have to go for it. “Are they back together?”
Jacob looked up, studying my face. I tried my best to act like I didn’t care one way or the other. I wasn’t sure if it was working.
“No. Jason says they’re not. But. They way they were acting… I mean he pretty much holed up with her the whole weekend.”
“Oh, so he didn’t throw her a welcome party like he did me, huh?” I was unable to hide the sarcasm in my voice. “Sorry, Jacob. I’m not really hungry anymore.” I said, getting up from the table. I threw down some money, and stormed off, ignoring Jacob’s calls, in search for Jason. He had a lot of explaining to do.

I don't know you anymore

Sorry so late, I'm sick, and spent the whole day sleeping, lol. This is where I'm glad I write ahead so I don't end up empty handed...

I stood in the grass, wet with morning dew. I watched the puppies romp around the yard, and I’d bend down to pet and praise them when they stopped to do their business. I heard Jason walk up behind me.
“I tell you that we need to talk about something and you walk off?” He questioned. I turned to face him.
“I just don’t see how we could possibly have anything to talk about.” I answered, shrugging my shoulders but not turning to face him. I walked over to the picnic table, climbed on top and sat with my feet resting on the bench. I still was facing away from him, and I heard him sigh and follow me.
“Look, Ella.” He said, coming up behind me. He sat next to me. “I’m sorry.”
I snorted, a reflex. I didn’t want to have this conversation. The only thing that hurt worse than being rejected was having that person then feel sorry for rejecting you. It made you not only a reject, but a pathetic reject.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Jason raise an eyebrow, questioningly.
I sighed. “OK, I’ll bite. Sorry for what?”
“I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us. Sorry for… Everything I guess.”
“You didn’t hurt me.”
Now it was Jason’s turn to snort.
“Ella I think I know you a little better than you like to think.”
“You did Jason. You don’t know me anymore.”
There was tense silence for a few seconds, and then Jason sighed.
“Do you feel any better?” He asked.
I couldn’t help but laugh. For someone who claimed to know me so well he really didn’t have a clue.
“What?” He asked, confused.
“Nothing. I’m better. How was the wedding?”
He smiled, a slow steady smile. I fought the urge to cringe. I didn’t want to bask in his happiness.
“Perfect, Ella. I wish you could have been there. Everything was just perfect. They say weddings are for the women, and I wasn’t into the planning at all, but she just did such a great job with everything and she looked…” He trailed off, smiling again.
I wanted to vomit. I felt my head start to spin like it did when I saw the wedding pictures.
He looked over at me. “Are you sure you’re not still sick? You’re looking a little pale.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just… Hungry.”
“Oh. Well.” He glanced at his watch. “It’s breakfast time. You want to hit up Big Boy’s for the buffet?”
“Sure.” I answered, standing. I was grateful for any reason to get out of the house and not be the only person alone with him.

I went in the house and dressed quickly. I had yet to bleach out the crate for the puppies, and didn’t feel safe leaving them in the living room by themselves, so I quickly puppy-proofed the bathroom and stuck them in there. I made a mental note to come home and bring up and wash out the large crate I had stored in my basement. I would need to talk to Nancy and see if she could let me borrow more crates. While the crate I had was for the size of a St. Bernard, and would house all of them for now, I don’t know how long that would work. I felt a little pang at leaving them alone, hearing them cry for me. I made a mental note to stop by the store and pick up some treats and new toys.
Jason was waiting in my car when I came out. I was kind of annoyed that he just assumed he would drive, in my car none the less. But I was starting to feel the effects of being woken up at 6:30, and the draining argument we had this morning, and I didn’t feel like fighting anymore. I slid in the car and shut the door behind me.
All I could hear was the whirring of the air conditioner. Even at this early hour, it was still hot and muggy outside. The end of summer in Ohio always seemed to be miserable, and I couldn’t wait for fall to get here. I reached forward to snap on the radio, hoping for someone’s voice to come on and relieve the awkwardness of the silence. Jason reached forward and blocked my hand. I shot him an annoyed look.
“I came to talk, Ella, and the radio isn’t going to help us do that.”
I slumped back, sighing and pouting. “When are you going home again?”
“Tomorrow. Why? Is it that hard to spend so much time with me.”
Yes. “No.” I answered.
He reached over the center console and grabbed my hand. I jumped a little. He looked over at me and raised an eyebrow again.
“I just. I don’t know how to be around you anymore Jason.” I blurted out. I didn’t mean to be so honest, but I didn’t know what else to do. Here he was, acting like we did when he was single, and I didn’t know if I could handle that. And, I also didn’t know if it was OK. If I was married I wouldn’t want my husband to go around holding girls hands and acting… Well, like he was dating them. Which, is exactly how Jason and I used to act.
“Nothing’s changed El. We’re still us.”
I loved Jason. But sometimes I felt like the boy was so… Clueless.
“No, we’re not.” I answered, pulling my hand away from his. “You and Kayla, you guys are an us. You and me, are just that. A you, and a me.”
“You’re mad at me because I got married?” He asked, looking over at me.
“Not mad Jason. It just changes things. You had to have known that.”
“I don’t see what Kayla and I being married has anything to do with me and you.”
“Because.” I sighed, exasperated. “You can’t kiss me and cuddle me and do all that when you have a wife, Jason.”
“Ella. Nobody was kissing you. It’s a hand hold. That’s it.” He answered.
Maybe I was freaking out over nothing. I just didn’t want to risk going back there. I didn’t want Jason to give me an inch and I try to take a mile and either lose him or go too far. I didn’t know how much I could handle, and I didn’t know how I could tell him that without also telling him that he had broken my heart, and I was still in love with him. Drew said he still knew, but I wasn’t sure if he did or not. And I didn’t want to make sure.
We got to Big Boy’s and both of us were obviously frustrated. I was hoping after we ate I could go home, get a nap in, and maybe de-stress a little. I did want to re-connect with Jason, but all of this felt far too soon, and far too forced. I needed space, time, and I had no idea how to ask for it or achieve it.
We were show to the table and Jason and I headed to the buffet. We separated, and I made it back to the table before him. He came back with two plates, both loaded with food.
“I thought you were hungry?” He asked, eyeing my plate.
“I thought you were human, not a horse.” I answered, eyeing his.
We chewed in silence for a few moments, listening to conversations around us. The waitress came, refilling our drinks, and Jason cleared his throat.
“How’s the marines going?” I asked.
“Good, I’m thinking of re-signing.”
“Oh.” I paused. I didn’t like Jason being in the Marines. But, did anyone like the idea of their loved one having a dangerous job like that? Sure, I was proud. There was no denying that, but I still would have felt better had he been a teacher or a cars salesman or something. “How does Kayla feel about it?”
He shrugged, still chewing, and then swallowed. “I mean, she’s not happy about it, but she knows it’s what I want. She knew what she was getting into.”
“Oh.” I felt almost as if that was a stab at me. I had never handled Jason being gone very well. I shook it off, and told myself to stop being so sensitive and paranoid.
“Ella?” Jason questioned.
“Huh?” I hadn’t realized Jason had been talking.
“Where’d you go?” He asked, smiling.
“Nowhere, I was just… Thinking. What’d you say?”
“There’s talk of another tour. Rumors, right now. But, it’s been my experience that rumors tend to have some truth to them.”
“Oh wow. How does Kayla feel about that?”
“Well… Again, she doesn’t like it, but she knew it was probably going to happen.” He set down his fork, looking up at me, his face turning serious. “She, uh. Wants a baby.”
I stopped chewing, and swallowed harshly. I felt the hash browns I had been munching on lump back together in my throat. I coughed, and took a drink of water. “Little soon, isn’t it?”
“Well. She’s worried that if something were to happen, that she’d be left alone. She really wants kids, and… Well, she wants my kids.”
“You could always, you know. Freeze your sperm.” I said, feeling a little awkward. Could this visit honestly get any worse?
“I mean, that’s costly, El. And… Kayla can’t have kids. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“If she can’t have kids, then why is it even a problem?” I asked. I felt a small sense of relief knowing that she couldn’t. It was selfish, childish, and immature, and I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, but having to suck up and be happy for Jason getting married was hard enough. Pretending to be happy about a pregnancy? I don’t think I could manage that one. “Why can’t she have kids anyway?”
“Don’t let her know I told you this, it’s her business El, and I don’t know how much she wants everyone to know. But, she was raped when she was younger. It was… Pretty brutal, and there’s too much scarring.”
“Oh.” I felt like such an asshole. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know, but she’s OK. She put in a lot of work, she’s really strong. But, that’s kinda why I wanted to come down and talk to you.”
“Oh?” I asked, wondering why exactly he needed to talk to me about Kayla’s fertility issues and desire to have a baby.
“We want you to have our baby.” Jason blurted out.

Flashback: And fate has led you through it, you do what you have to do

When I saw the test, I laughed. And then I slunk down onto the dirty bathroom floor and rested my head on my knees. It couldn’t be true. Could it? I mean the last person I had slept with was Jason. We didn’t use anything. How could we have not used anything?
Because getting pregnant had never crossed my mind. STDs did, but I knew Jason had gotten checked during his physical for the Marines, and I knew he was clean. I couldn’t be pregnant. It just didn’t compute. The test must be wrong, I did only buy a cheap wal-mart brand. I needed to go back, get a more expensive kind. That one would be negative.
I left the bathroom, grabbing the fries and coke that were waiting for me on the counter. I dumped the fries on my way out the door, no longer hungry, but gulped the coke. I started going over the last eight weeks in my mind, searching for any tell tale pregnancy signs.
I had been tired, but. I had also spent my days dealing with heat, hiking, and children, and was not sleeping well at nights. I was peeing more, but, I had been drinking a lot more water since I was at camp. I hadn’t gained any weight, had actually lost some from stopping late night snacking and walking all the time. I had been having frequent headaches, and I was feeling a little sick to my stomach at random times, but I had chalked it up to the heat, stress, and lack of sleep. And, again, I hadn’t had a period in awhile. But I never seemed to be regular, and at times of stress and high activity I could miss months at a time. I never really batted an eyelash anymore when I was late.
I ran into wal-mart and grabbed the most expensive test they had. I figured the more expensive the better. This one would clearly tell me that this was all a mistake. This test would tell me that there was no one I could possibly be pregnant. I went straight from the checkout to the bathroom. I had finished my coke and managed to squeeze out a few more drops. Again, I didn’t have to wait before the little plus sign popped up.
“No.” I said. “No, no, no, no.” It bounced off the walls and echoed. I could feel it bouncing around in my head, the word pregnant, followed shortly by the word no. I heard the door to the bathroom open and close, sneakers squeak in, each sound magnifying. I flushed the toilet and stuck the pregnancy test in my pocket. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it, but just throwing it away didn’t feel right. I washed my hands and left, making it as far as the benches outside of wal-mart before I sat. I watched cars pull in at out, people with babies, couples, old people, young people, single people… I just sat and watched. I felt like I was in a coma, unable to move, but aware of everything going on around me.
My phone rang, and when I reached for it automatically, I was surprised to see I was actually able to move at all.
“Hello?” I answered, I jumped at the sound of my own voice.
“Where ARE you? You’ve been gone for hours.” Drew’s voice was a mixture of annoyance and concern. Worry, and irritation.
“Oh Drew. I have a problem…”

Drew drove over to the Wal-mart in his Dad’s old green beat up work truck. It was loud, and I could hear it coming before I saw it. I climbed in. We drove, without speaking, leaving my car and my things behind. I hadn’t told him anything on the phone, I didn’t know how, exactly to tell him. I wanted to have more tact than to just blurt it out, but… I wanted it over quickly. The truck had no air conditioning, but the night air was cool. The windows were down which made it too loud to talk in the truck. My palms were sweating, and I wiped them on my pants distractedly. Drew turned off the main road and onto a dirt rub. I winced as I bounced around in the truck, wondering if this was bad for the baby. I winced again when I realized my drinking last night couldn’t have been too great for little Cletus the Fetus either. He stopped the truck and got out. I waited until I heard him climb onto the bed before I got out. I walked around, my eyes on the ground, until I reached the back of the truck. Reaching up a hand, Drew pulled me up along side him. He had piled old pillows into the back of the truck. It was kind of a tradition with all of us, driving into the country, loading the back of whoever’s truck we took with people, pillows, and a cooler. We’d party, dance, laugh, and shoot the shit for hours. Now it was just me and Drew, and we could hear crickets and other night country sounds. They were closing in on me, and I started to fidget in my nervousness.
Drew reached into the cooler he had brought, handing me a coke. I tapped it twice – a habit, and popped the top. I took a long drink. Drew opened his own drink and took a sip. We still sat, side by side, in total silence. While Jason knew how to handle me without making me feel like I was being handled, Drew knew how to read me. He knew when to press me for more information, and when to sit back and let things come out in their own time.
I cleared my throat and looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “You said something this afternoon, and it made me realize something.”
I watched as Drew straightened himself, looking almost pleased, ready to hear the news. Still, he waited, not saying anything.
“I…” I trailed off. I guess this was it. “I haven’t had a period in awhile. Since before I stopped talking to Jason, actually. That night, Drew. I slept with him. We… We didn’t use anything and…”
Drew was now looking at me, his eyes in wide, intense, disbelief. “No, Ella.” He said, shaking his head.
“Yeah Drew. I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.”
“Oh.” This was more of a noise than a statement. All the air seemed to whoosh out of his body, and he looked deflated.
“What am I going to do?” I asked, aware of how small my voice sounded.
“Tell Jason.” Drew stated.
“Yeah, Drew. That’s it. The last time I saw him, I was leaving him angry, I haven’t spoken to him in months, and suddenly I’m supposed to pop back up with, oh hey, long time no talk. Hey, funny story, I think you knocked me up? Oh, and good luck on your deployment nobody wanted to tell meabout.”
“You know about that?” Drew asked. Now it was his turn to sound small.
“Yeah. Thanks to, guess who?” I said. Drew shook his head. “Kayla. Kayla fucking Kangaroo called me.” We called Kayla Kayla Kangaroo because she was usually very upbeat and jumpy, like a kangaroo.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you. But, Jason told me not too. He didn’t want you to come back to him because of that.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Kayla actually took a big risk calling you. Jason’s going to be livid if he finds out.”
For a second, I contemplated letting him know that Kayla had spilled the beans. I was sure it would ruin any future chance of a relationship. But, Kayla did it to help me, and I was actually grateful to her for letting me know.
“You still have to tell him.” Drew spoke, interrupting my thoughts.
“But, I don’t wanna.” I whined. “I better do this in person. Will you go with me?” I asked.
“To California?” Drew asked, looking at me like I was crazy.
“Cali? Why would I go to… Ooooh, yeah.” It had honestly slipped my mind that Jason wasn’t just a short drive away from Drew’s. He was gone.
“I mean, I think you need to tell him in person as well. I can get you a cheap ticket to Twentynine Palms, but. Ella, you’re gonna have to do this one yourself.”
“But… I don’t wanna.” I repeated again. “I mean, shouldn’t I at least make sure?”
“There’s a clinic. I’ll call and get you an appointment. But, I think you should still go out there. I mean, even if you’re not…” He paused, not being able to say the word. “I think it’s time you and Jason made up.”

Drew and I sat in the truck a little while longer, neither one of us talking. I took out my cell phone at some point and texted Jason:
Will be in your area in a few days. It’s been awhile. Can you spare some time to catch up?
He texted back a lot sooner than I thought he would:
Who told you?
I knew he was talking about his deployment, but I decided to play dumb.
Who told me what, Jay?
Nothing. He texted back. When will you be here? Weekends are the only time I really have free.

I told him I wasn’t sure of my flight yet, but would make sure it was over a weekend. I told him I’d let him know the details, and asked if he’d book me a hotel in his area. He agreed. Drew and I sat for a little bit longer, and then headed back to his house. We looked online and found a flight for that weekend. I texted Jason with the information. I’d stay at Drew’s until then, and head out to California.
Had I mentioned I didn’t want to go?

Drew called the clinic and got me in the next day. I was shocked, as back home it was at least a week later that you’d get into any planned parenthood (I had accompanied a friend once.)
We got in early, and I realized it was before the clinic was even officially opened for the day. I became suspicious.
“Drew. How’d you do this?” I whispered to Drew as the nurse ushered us directly into the inner offices.
“I do landscaping for one of the doctors that works here. I’ve seen some… Things.” Drew blushed at the thought. “Let’s just say, he owes me a favor. A big favor.” He stopped talking as I sat on the table, the nurse asking me several questions before taking basic blood pressure and pulse information. She handed me a cup and pointed me down the hall to a bathroom. I peed, washed my hands, and came back.
“I’m gonna need you to strip down to this gown. Here’s a blanket for your legs. I know it gets a little chilly in here.” She said, smiling and handing me a thin, worn gown. What she called a blanket just looked like a giant paper napkin to me.
“I can, uh, leave, if you want.” Drew answered, standing up.
“No Drew.” I said, a little too quickly. “I’m just. I’m scared.”
“OK.” He said. “I’ll stay.” He slid back down, but closed his eyes. “You can change. I won’t look.”

I changed quickly, goosebumps rising on my arms instantly. The air conditioner was on a little high in this place. Once I gave the OK, Drew looked up. Seeing my discomfort, he handed me his jacket he’d been wearing this morning.
When the doctor knocked on the door, I jumped.
“Hi, Ella. I’m Dr. Paul.” She said, smiling warming and reaching for my hand. “The results of your pregnancy test are positive. So, congratulations. I’m going to do an ultrasound to determine exactly how far along you are, and to make sure the pregnancy is a viable one.” She said, looking through a folder. She put down the folder and pulled open a drawer, pulling on some gloves and a bottle of gel.
“Because we’re not sure how far you are, I’m going to do a vaginal ultrasound. If you’re not very far along, it’ll give us a better picture. Just lay back, and try to relax.” She said, squirting some gel onto the end of a wand. I had to laugh as I saw Drew wince. Boys, never realized how easy they had it.
She asked if I wanted to see the baby, and after a few seconds hesitation, I nodded. It was weird, to see something jumping around inside me, but not being able to feel it move.
She printed a few pictures, and took off her gloves. She washed her hands. Sitting down on her stool, she made a few notes in my file, and affixed one picture. The rest she put into an envelope and handed to me.
“Let’s talk options. I would guesstimate that you’re about twelve weeks along. That’s based on measurements, and I could be wrong. It’s hard to guess at any age, but at this early in your pregnancy it’s especially difficult.” She paused, letting me take in the information. “Now, do you have any idea what you plan on doing?”
I shook my head slowly. Twelve weeks? I mean, 3 months did seem about right, but..
“Well, options. There’s always keeping it. If you decide to do that, I can either set you up here with a doctor, or refer you to one.”
“I’m not from here, I was just visiting for awhile…” I said dully.
“Well, then, I still might be able to refer someone where you live. Then there’s abortion. Which, if you’re considering that option, I can also refer you to places. Although, this late, in the state of Indiana it would have to be done in a hospital, which gets quite expensive. But, you said you weren’t from here. Then there’s adoption, which again, I can refer you to some places for that as well. Whatever you do, there are options. However, whatever you decide, it needs to be done quickly. The sooner you have an abortion, the better. And if you decide to keep it, or choose adoption, you still need to be seen, every month. When you leave, stop by the check out counter, the nurse will have some pamphlets and prenatal samples for you. You need to take one a day. Most women find it easiest to take it in the mornings, but if you find yourself getting sicker in the mornings, try switching your pill taking time to night time. When you get in to your regular doctor, if that’s how you chose to go, they can write you a prescription for more. Any questions?”
“Um. I’m going to California… Is it safe to fly?”
“When are you going?”
“This Friday. The father… He’s stationed there…”I trailed off, looking at my hands.
“Yes, it’ll be safe to fly. I believe most airlines allow you up to thirty-two or thirty-four weeks.”
“What do I do?” I asked, looking up at her face for probably the first time since she walked in. She was younger than I thought she was.
She smiled. “Ella, you do what you think is right. And if you decide to keep the baby, whether for yourself or for adoption, the nurse will give you plenty of information on what to eat, and how to stay healthy. And if you decide not to keep the baby, the nurse will give you plenty of information on how to stay healthy. It’s your body. It’s up to you.”
“Thank you.” I whispered.

Post up later today

I've decided to post tonight, but later. Maybe even after midnight so it's technically Saturday, I figure that way we can compromise and kind of keep on schedule. If I get tired and don't think I'm gonna make it to midnight (these past couple days I've been getting really bad headaches at night and the only way they go away is if I sleep, so.) then I'll post before then. I'm also hoping that since I'll have the afternoon baby free (he's going to Grandma's for the night.) I'll be able to catch up some. Since I've been going to bed early I haven't had as much time to write.

Also, I know a lot of you don't post comments, and we haven't really had a lot of issues with comments, but I wanted to kinda set some ground rules in case we do.

I have no issues with people stating their opinions/personal experiences in the comments. If you can relate to something going on with Ella or one of the other people, feel free to share. If you think something I write is not good, or unbelievable, or you don't like the way Ella or someone else acted, feel free to share. I don't have an issue with being criticized or anything like that, I actually like it, as it'll help me improve. However, what I don't like is when people argue (there is a difference between arguing and debating or discussing.), tell other people their opinion is wrong (there's nothing wrong with disagreeing with someone else's opinions, but an opinion can't be wrong.) Or name call. Name calling is not criticizing, it's being mean.

Again, I haven't had any issues, but have noticed issues on a few other blogs I read, and I just wanted to get that out there BEFORE we have an issue. Again, if you have a criticism for me, I'm all ears. I'm even more ears if you have praise. I won't delete ANY comments unless they are outright mean (and again, telling me you don't like the way I do something isn't what I'd consider mean.)

Just wanted to say that.

First you gotta decide what you're going to do, then you gotta do it

A little note: I've been trying to post every other day. Right now I have a little bit written ahead, and I've been able to stay ahead (I like being ahead and that way if something should come up, as long as I have access to the internet and my laptop, and five seconds to spare, I can always post.) If I should run low on time, or run low on ideas on where to take this, then posting my slow down to two or three times a week. But, I figure, right now I have it, so why not post it? However, Saturday it looks like I'll be gone pretty much the whole day, and Sunday is looking iffy as well. (I spend the day with the inlaws on Saturday. The WHOLE day.) So, my question is, would you rather get a post today AND tomorrow, and skip the weekend, or get a post today, and then not another one until Sunday, MAYBE Monday? I'm obviously posting today either way, but just let me know on the other half. Here's today's post:

The rest of Drew’s visit went by, and was relatively boring. We picked up a futon at Ikea, and he helped me put it together. He still insisted on sleeping in my bed, and though there was this nagging feeling that it was still a bad idea, with all the other drama I was facing – Jason’s impending visit with his new bride being number one on that list – The imagined feelings I feared developing for Drew were totally gone.
I did get an email back from the magician at the club.

GreatDangers@Gmail.com
Re: Your website message
Ha- I remember. You were the cute girl in the dress. Did your boyfriend share his dog… I mean his moose with you? And yes, Dangers is my real last name. Even I’m not lame enough to make that up ;-)

I smiled. Cute girl in the dress? Real descriptive. Glad I made such a big impression. Still, I replied.


Greg-
Not my boyfriend, but no, he didn’t share! And I really wanted a hippo-dog. Oh well, maybe that means I’ll have to hit up another show sometime.

I got an email back from him a lot quicker this time.

Greatdangers@Gmail.com
Ella- Feel free to hit the show up anytime. Always good to have a pretty lady in attendance, and maybe chat afterwards? I’m doing a guest spot at a club in PA for the next two weeks though. Can I email you when I’m back in town and let you know my dates?

I told him that he could email, or text, if that was easier, and gave him my cell phone number. I was a little relieved that he would be out of town for the next couple weeks. Jason had continued to call, and I had continued to be unavailable. I called him back at times when I figured he’d be unavailable, during dinners and lunch, early mornings when he was probably still asleep, to look like we were just playing phone tag. I had decided to let them come, finding no logical or unobvious way to stop them. I couldn’t claim no room – Drew was leaving, and my work guest wasn’t due yet. I couldn’t say I had to work, they knew I had taken vacation. I had to just suck it up and face the music. I would have had to do it sooner or later, I just wish that sooner had come a lot later.
Drew left Saturday afternoon, and I think I caught him off guard with how closely I clung to him, and how badly I reacted to his leaving. Jason had left a message saying he would be in sometime Sunday.
“Can’t you stay even one more day?” I asked Drew, hugging him tight. My words were mumbled into his shirt, and I was hoping he could help me through what would be the initial, and probably hardest hitting, blow.
“No, El.” He answered, bending to kiss the top of my head. He rested his chin there. “I really wish I could, but Dad’s been yelling at me about the business, and I did take off kind of suddenly. I’m sorry.” He said, giving me an extra squeeze.
“I know. It’s OK. Don’t feel bad. I’m glad you came down at all.” I answered, trying to hide the tears. I didn’t want to do this. Why did I have to do this?

Drew left. The house was really quiet. I sat for a minute in the living room, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I could hear the clock, tick-tocking, counting down the seconds until Jason arrived and I was forced to put on the performance of a lifetime. Once again, I found myself desperately needing a distraction. I took out my phone, scrolling through the contacts, not really looking for anyone, just a nervous habit. However, my phone came across one number, an idea popped into my head. I clicked call.
“Hi Nancy, it’s Ella McLean. How are you?”
“Good. Ella I’m so glad to hear from you… Are you finally done with camp?” She asked.
Nancy was the lady who Jason had donated the money to when Tater died. She ran an organization called Stop the Suffering which pulled dogs from rural, high kill shelters, and gave them a new home. She was always, ALWAYS, looking for foster homes. I couldn’t keep a dog year round anymore, since I was away at camp for seven weeks out of the year, but the by being in the foster program it was a chance to have a dog around, and to save a dogs life.
“Yeah I am. And I’m on vacation for a couple of weeks and looking for a distraction. A big distraction.”
“Like a litter of puppies sized?” She asked, the hope evident in her voice.
“I’ll be over in fifteen.” I said, knowing she was where she was every Saturday at the small garage that someone had donated to use as their intake center.

I arrived home and had to make two trips out to the car for the puppies. There were four of them, and when I said I had wanted a big distraction, Nancy took me quite seriously. At eight weeks old, these St. Bernard-Mastiff mix puppies (pet-stores called this “designer” breed a St. Bermastiff. It’s so funny to me how people say they want a “pure-breed” and then go on to ask for a labradoodle or a puggle. Slap a fancy name on a mutt and viola, you too can charge an extra 500 bucks for it! But, I digress.) were already 35 lbs. Nancy said they had been dropped off that morning, left outside the door for who knows how long, stuffed all together in a box. The note attached blamed the neighbor’s dog for knocking up theirs. But I just wondered, who’s fault was it for not getting either dog fixed?
The house was no longer quiet. It was filled with the sound of puppy feet, puppy barks, puppy growls, and squeaks from various toys or puppies. I was busy, chasing after them, and kicking myself for not thinking of puppy proofing before I went and got the puppies. After I had contained them in the living room, and made sure there was nothing they could kill themselves on, I huffed myself down on a chair.
I looked around and had wondered how good of an idea this really was. Sometimes I decided things at the spur of the moment, and didn’t stop to think about the consequences. One puppy was a lot of work. Four giant breed puppies? Was insane. Besides the fact that while puppies usually placed pretty quickly, Nancy couldn’t tell me how quickly they could place these puppies. Not only were they looking with someone with the time for a puppy, but someone with giant breed experience.
However, when ten minutes later I was covered in puppies, who were passed out from a night of chasing each other and stealing toys for each other, I realized that I had done the right thing. I dozed off on the chair with them, not even thinking of Jason’s arrival.

I woke up with a sore neck to a chorus of barking.
“What the hell Ella?” I heard Jason call. I thought I was dreaming. I stretched, repositioned myself, and started to doze again.
“Ella?” I felt someone shake me. “What did I just step in that was wet? Is that... Awww sick!” I heard Jason mumble.
“Jas? You’re really here?” I asked, sitting straight up and bonking my head into his. “Ow. Yeah, you’re real.” I said, rubbing my temple where we struck.
“What is all this Ella?”
“Oh, the poor dogs. I haven’t taken them out, I fell asleep. I should have at least put paper down.” I stood, still feeling groggy. “What time is it anyway?” I asked, stretching again.
“Six.”
“At night? It can’t be…” I asked, walking to the window.
“No, El” He answered, a small smile playing on his lips. “In the morning.”
“What the hell are you doing here at six AM?” I asked, going into the kitchen for some paper towels to clean up the doggy mess. My foot caught when I lifted it over the baby gate I had put up to block the dogs in, and I almost face planted into the counter. Mornings were not a good time for me.
“I told you I’d be here sometime Sunday.”
“Yeah, but I expected that to be late Sunday. Not six freaking am.” I said, climbing back out. I started picking up little piles and wiping up puddles. Thankfully none of them had stepped in it. I don’t think I was ready to wrangle these guys in a bathtub this early.
“So, what is all this?” Jason asked, gesturing to the dogs and the doggy play room I had made.
“You know I foster. I had some time. They needed help.” I shrugged.
“These guys are big.” He said, crouching down to pet one. It reached around to nip at his fingers.
“Yeah, well, that’s an understatement…” I trailed off. I suddenly realized something, or rather, someone, was missing. “Where’s Kayla?” I asked, lifting the baby gate to usher the dogs into the kitchen and out into the backyard to potty.
“She went home. She needed to pack for California.” He paused. “And, there was something I wanted to ask you. Something Kayla thought was better if we discussed alone.”

Uh oh. This couldn’t be good.

Flashback: I ain't that sad, but I'm sad enough

Now after I had left Jason’s house that day, it was finally my turn to ignore him. It wasn’t as much fun as I had anticipated. In fact, it wasn’t fun at all, it was work. I’d see him online and I’d itch to IM him. I’d log into my email and had to delete whatever email he had sent me. And when the emails stopped coming, well, that was even worse. I kept tabs on him, low key, through Drew.
He was stationed out in California. He was in infantry, a grunt, and he loved every second of it. Drew said he asked about me occasionally, and that I should talk to him.
I didn’t know how too. I didn’t know how to get over the hurt I felt. I had been angry at first, mad that Jason has the audacity to use me like that, but that had faded with time, as anger usually does. But in it’s place, there was a deep feeling of hurt and embarrassment. It was like I had given Jason something that I had worked on for years, something I was proud of, something I put in a lot of time and effort. And he had just laughed, and thrown it away.
Still, there were times when I did pick up the phone, dialed the number, only to never press send. I wrote countless emails, letters… They were all deleted or thrown away. What was I supposed to say to him? You broke my heart, but it’s OK? It wasn’t OK. But I missed him.
My Aunt had gotten me a job working with inner city kids, and I spent eight weeks there, working harder than I had ever worked before. My days were busy, and sometimes I had so many kids whining, laughing, complaining, questioning, and just being… Kids… That it was a surprise to me that I remembered to breathe. I didn’t think about Jason during the days. The nights, however, were quiet. The kids often passed out after an exhausting day spent swimming, hiking, and doing other camp things. Quiet, as anybody with a broken heart knows, is not a good thing. It didn’t help that the stars at camp were as bright as prom night, and I couldn’t help but think of Jason. Couldn’t help but go over ever painstaking detail.
I was sad when camp ended. Sad because I’d miss the kids, sad because I’d have free time once again. I was excited to start school, and even more excited when the agency I worked for offered be a full time, year round position. I still needed to figure out how to spend the next few weeks before the program I was working for started.
While I was getting ready for the end of year camp staff dinner, my phone buzzed. I considered ignoring it, I was running late, but then figured it might have been someone on staff, telling me about a change in plans or needing a ride.
“Hello?” I answered, not bothering to look at the caller ID.
“Hey Ella. I didn’t think you’d answer. I was all set to leave a voicemail and you caught me off guard.” A female. She laughed nervously.
I looked down at my caller ID. Private number.
“Who is this?” I asked, glancing at the clock again, feeling a little agitated. I hated running late.
“Oh, yeah. Sorry. It’s Kayla. Kayla LaCrosse? I dunno if you remember me…”
Heart. Skipping a beat. Snapping ‘what the hell does she want’ while at the same time thinking ‘now now, she never did anything wrong.’
“Oh. Hi. Yeah, I remember you. What’s going on?” I sat down on my bed, feeling a little lightheaded. Being late was now replaced with a nagging feeling of ‘something isn’t right.’
“Look, I’m just going to be honest, because I have no idea how else to say it. But, I want to preface this by letting you know that I don’t mean anything in a harsh way. And, I know I’m sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong, but…” She trailed off. I heard her take a deep breath. “You need to stop being mad at Jason. I don’t know what he did, and I don’t need to know. But I know you guys have been friends for a long time, almost as long as I’ve known him. Whatever it is, you should just squash it. And, well. He’d kill me right now if he knew I was calling you. But he’s leaving, Ella. They’re sending him to Iraq, and I know if I were you, I would want to know.”
It got quiet. So quiet that I could feel the quietness. It closed in around me, squeezing in. I felt like it was hard to breathe.
“Ella?” Kayla’s voice sounded tinny and distant.
“I’m here.” My voice sounded way too big. Iraq?
“I hope they send you to Iraq and you die.” I whispered.
“What was that?” Kayla asked, confused.
“N-nothing.” I hesitated, wondering what I should say or do next. “Kayla, I’m sorry. I don’t want to blow you off, but I have a work thing, and I’m supposed to be there…” I looked at the clock. “Well, now. Actually. But, look. I appreciate you calling, I really do. And…” I sighed. “I’ll call him. Or come down. I’m supposed to be coming down to see Drew so maybe he and I can talk or something. I don’t know.”
“Alright, well. I’ll let you go. But, if you do talk to him… Don’t tell him I told you, OK? In fact, it’s probably best that you act like you don’t know. Have fun at your work deal.” She said. I heard the phone click.
It’s best if I act like I don’t know? That Jason is being sent to Iraq, where he could die. Where I once had told him that I hoped he did die at. How could I possibly call him, or see him, and not burst into tears? Not be overcome with guilt, knowing words I had uttered, even in anger, might come true?

I went to the staff dinner that night, and I calmed the daze I was in by drinking. While technically I wasn’t allowed to drink, being under twenty-one, arriving late had worked to my benefit. Most of the staff was already slightly buzzed, and they had no qualms about sharing the love and buying me drinks. The fact that I was underage never crossed their minds.
I felt the warmth of alcohol spread through my veins like liquid happiness. While, once again, I’ve never been a huge partier, and I’m very cautious when it comes to alcohol, I have mistakenly used it a couple of times to get rid of my problems. While I know it’s a crutch, and an unhealthy one at that, sometimes you just need a break. Stronger people might have found a better way to deal with it, or just sucked it up. But I was weak and I needed space, I needed my mind to feel fuzzy and incoherent. So alcohol entered the picture.
After the dinner the younger members on staff had decided to hit up a club. And you know what was invented by the devil? Drinks that contain an insane amount of alcohol, but taste like kool-aid. I slammed drink after drink, and even when some of the other counselors eyed me and told me to slow down, I waved them off laughing. Alcohol also makes you think you can handle anything, and that you’re the best at everything. The staff members who have come back still to this day tease me about what went on that night. I danced, I sang, I made a grade ‘A’ ass of myself. But I didn’t think of Jason. In fact, Jason was so far from my mind, that I winded going home with Antonio. A beautiful male counselor who was seven years older than me, gorgeous, and totally insane. (Really, he mumbled constantly about conspiracy theories and why God didn’t exist. And while I’m all for people having their own opinions about things, the way he talked was pretty creepy. He was a nice guy overall, but not somebody I’d want to date.) But, as I mentioned, totally hot. Easy smile, gleaming white teeth, mocha skin, muscled body…
He and I didn’t have sex, but had a pretty rough make out session, and he left the evidence on my face and neck. I had beard burn all over, including a few other embarrassing body parts. When I woke up that morning, I took a quick shower and packed a bag. Drew had been complaining about never getting to spend any time with me anymore, and he was right. I barely had two conversations with him the whole summer. Cell phone reception was spotty at best, and horrible in the cabins. It was too much effort for me to walk around trying to find a spot where I could get a bar or two. I walked out to the living room, gingerly stepping over sleeping bodies. I found Jarren, who had joined us in the partying when we made it back to the apartment and gently shook her awake.
“Mmm?” She asked, rolling over and looking up at me with half lidded eyes.
“I’m leaving for Indiana.”
She nodded once and rolled back over. Twenty bucks says she calls me in a few hours, having no recollection of this conversation.

I liked the drive to Indiana, leaving the city behind, seeing real live farmhouses and empty country highways. I wasn’t always a fan of driving, sometimes it actually scared me to drive, but this drive I knew like the back of my hand, and could probably drive blindfolded if I had too. I could let my mind wonder and drive on autopilot. Of course, this was one time when I didn’t want my mind to wander. Because it wandered immediately to Jason, like Mary’s lamb, my mind was always following Jason to places I wish it wouldn’t go. I was nervous, really nervous, about what I should say to him. And I focused too much on Iraq, on the dangers. On the bad things that in my mind that not only could happen and would happen, but already did happen. Jason getting shot, Jason getting blown up, Jason being taken prisoner… All these scenarios played out in my mind, and not a single one of them ended well.
I pulled into Drew’s gravel driveway. Drew had gone away to school, and had finished this year. He was still living with his parents, working for his Dad’s landscaping company. While I was here, I had promised him I’d help him look for an apartment. He was adamant that he needed a woman’s opinion, and his Mother’s didn’t count. His dogs barked in greeting, big, stinky, lab-mutts named Moose and Midge that were allowed to free roam. I gave them a friendly pat on the head and walked up onto the big wrap-around porch.
Drew’s parent’s house was totally country. From the wrap around porch (with a screened in section in the back), to the pond and the barn. It was white, with green shutters, and massive. Drew was now an only child, he used to have a younger brother and sister - twins, but both had died in a car accident when they were five and Drew was seven. Drew’s parents never really got over it, and instead threw themselves into their work. Instead of affection, the showered Drew with gifts, items, and freedom. Drew never really seemed to want any of it though, and it was honestly sad to see his parents and him shuffle around each other. They were good people, but it was hard to get over the ghosts in the room.
Drew came out to greet me, smiling wide, and opening up his arms to hug me. His enthusiasm shocked me. Drew was rarely openly affectionate. I usually had to force him to hug me.
“I missed you.” He said quietly, giving me an extra squeeze.
“I missed you too.” I answered, feeling a little awkward. He sat me down.
“Where’s your bag?” He asked, walking towards my car. He opened the door and popped the trunk. Pulling out my small duffle, he frowned. “This is all you brought?”
“Yeah.” I answered, walking over to the car. Moose and Midge followed suit. “Did you suspect I was moving in or something?”
“No, but this is like… Three days worth. If that.” He said, looking at my bag and back at me.
“Yeah, how long did you think I was staying, Drewbie?” I was starting to get a little irritated. It had been a long drive, it was hot outside, and I was sort of hungry. I was ready to go inside.
“I don’t know, I haven’t seen you all summer. And we had apartment hunting, and then Nick wanted you to hang out. He’s got this new girlfriend named Toni and I think she’s serious.”
“And three days isn’t enough to do all that?” I said, the irritation starting to show in my voice.
“Ella, you honestly think I’m going to be able to find an apartment in three days?” He asked.
“If you can’t then you’ll have to do it without me. You’re a big boy Drew.” I snapped.
Drew looked a little taken back. “You know I asked you to visit Ella. But you didn’t have to come when you were hardcore PMS-ing.” He threw back at me.
“You know Drew, I hate it how guys think that whenever girls are pissed off that the only reason is PMS. Did you ever stop to think that maybe…” I trailed off. When did I last actually PMS?
“Maybe what Ella?” He asked, shutting my trunk and heading back to the house.
“Nothing.” I said, now distracted from my earlier rant. I hadn’t gotten it at camp, I knew that. The box of tampons I had brought had sat unused. Why hadn’t this crossed my mind earlier? “I’m just hot, tired, and hungry. Can we go inside?” I said, trying to shine a smile in Drew’s direction.

Later that night, I had told Drew that I would go buy some clothes and stay a few extra days. Among the shirts, pants, bra’s and panties I had piled into the cart, laid a single pregnancy test. I paid for my things and went across the street to the McDonalds. Before exiting my car, I slipped the test into my pocket. I ordered a coke and fries, paid, and told the cashier I’d be right back. I went into the bathroom, read the instructions, and peed on the stick.
I didn’t even have to wait a full three minutes. The test was very clearly a positive one.

Just a quick thing

I was wondering ig it's confusing when I go back and forth between the past and the present? I think it might be about to get kinda hard to keep track, so from now on, when I post about things that have already happened, I'm going to put flashback in the title. Sound good?

You said move on, where do I go?

After breakfast with Drew, I told him I was running to work while he took a shower. I had just wrapped up another summer at camp and had taken the rest of August off. I had planned to spend some time in Indiana with Drew and the gang after Jason’s wedding, but since I hightailed it out of there, I figured I could at least catch up on some paper work while I was home. I told him about the trip to Cincinnati and Ikea, and figured especially if Jason and Kayla were coming, I should get a new futon sooner rather than later. I told him I’d be back in an hour or so, and then we could trek on down.
It was funny how much the scenery changed in the mere twenty minutes I drove to work. Trees became scarce, houses became more and more boarded up and shabbier looking. People got shabbier looking. The kids who were out unaccompanied got younger and younger. I turned onto the street that my office was. As I got out, I locked my doors. I had to chuckle at that, I didn’t lock my car doors anywhere.
I used to be a lot more trusting, even in a neighborhood like this. But, one day, while teaching a program in one of the after school groups, my cell phone went missing. I didn’t even think of accusing one of the six year olds, assuming instead that I had mis-placed it once again. I searched my office, my car, the room I had been working in… Turned up nothing. I thought maybe I had left it at home, and couldn’t remember actually using it that day. When I got home and turned up nothing, I finally decided to suspend my service, thinking that if one of the kids DID take it (and I was now assuming it was an older child who may have seen it lying around earlier,) that they wouldn’t have done anything more than use my minutes.
Wrong. When I called my cell phone company, I had been informed that already one hundred and fifty dollars had been wracked up in downloads.
They took the bill off and suspended my account, but when I got my bill later that month, I had seen that the calls made from my phone after it had gone missing was to a bunch of kids in the 6 year olds group. One of those little brats stole my phone.
Anyway, every since then, I had been WAY more careful about where I left my purse, my keys, my phone, and locking my car. We were already forbidden to go to anyone’s homes by ourselves, and if there was a negative reason for a phone call home (such as a fight or a child being unruly during group or an outing) we had to have someone else from the agency listen in on the call. Any threats made by the parents were taken seriously, and the police were always called.
Not all the parents were like this, more often than not we couldn’t even get a hold of parents. Some were at work, school, or in between the two, others were just… Gone. Lots of times we’d call and get a disconnected number.
I loved my job. But it was tricky at times, and difficult all the time. When I started out in the afterschool program we had to check kid’s school bags on the way out. Kids were stealing our after school program lunches to bring home. Because it was the only food they’d get, other than school lunches. We had to take them back, which broke my heart, and more often than not I’d “forget” to check bags. It’s true, we needed to keep count of lunches due to the funding we got (which was ALWAYS getting cut.) But I just couldn’t take food out of the mouth of a child. A lot of our parents busted their asses and still couldn’t make ends meet. Sometimes it was nobodys fault but circumstances.
Other time we got foster children, and that was hard because I wanted to take them all home. I had one girl stop coming to group. Her three little sisters still were, so I asked where she went.
“Oh, they sent her to another home.” Was their answer. I just couldn’t fathom how they could take her away from the only family she had.
Then at Christmas, that same family came to our Holiday Party. We had a Santa who handed out donated presents. The kids got to sit on his lap, get a picture taken with him, and then tell him what they wanted for Christmas.
When I asked one of the little foster sisters what she wanted, she stated simply “a Christmas.”
“What do you mean?” I prodded.
“I want a real Christmas. With a tree and presents and a family, and my sisters all back together again.”
I went behind the tree and cried.
Worse yet, we had children with serious issues. I was a preschool sub, and because of that I had to sit in on meetings occasionally so I knew what was going on with the children in the room. I was shocked one fall when we had a little girl who we needed to watch and make sure she ate, and also accompany her to the bathroom. When I asked why, they told me the little girl was anorexic/bulimic. She was four years old.
Still, I loved my job. As hard as it was, there were equally rewarding moments. Watching a child change because of your influence. Seeing how happy a child gets when they succeed at something. Having a mother thank you for being there for her child when she cannot.
I walked into work, my mind somewhere else, when I heard Betty’s voice ring out “Ella! Is that you?”
Betty was our receptionist. She was not a very nice person, and I didn’t enjoy talking to her most of the time. Still, she had her moments, and I hadn’t seen her all summer. She was also older, heavier, and had recently lost her daughter. I suspected most of her mean-ness came mainly from being lonely.
“Hey, Ms. Betty, how are you?” I said, popping my head into the front room where she sat. I noticed a group of people sitting at the table, waiting, probably for my boss, who was constantly late.
“I’m doing just fine Ella. How’s your vacation goin?”
“Boring. I came in to pick up some paperwork.”
“You miss us already huh?” She cackled. “Hey, do me a favor. Kenny’s late and these people came all the way from Illinois to meet with him. They’re part of an inner city program there. They’ll be sending some people up to work with us.”
I could see hear beaming a little bit. We were all proud when we had been awarded the Casey Grant award for excellence in child care. A couple other agencies asked if they could send a few workers up to learn from us. We had agreed.
I looked at my watch. “I can give them a quick tour, Betty, but I gotta get out of here. I’m supposed to be heading to Cincinnati with a friend in a little bit.”
“Yeah, why don’t you do that? Kenny should be here any minute.” She said, hefting her body up to look out the window.
“Back locked up?” I asked, heading to her desk. She nodded. I opened the drawer and grabbed the keys.
“Hi everyone, I’m Ella McLean. I’m one of the social workers here, and I kind of float around and fill in where I can. Which, is what I believe is one of the key factors in our success. You never really hear anyone here saying ‘that’s not my job.’” I said, smiling at the group. “And your names are?”
“Kasey, I’m the director of the agency. This is Jared, Matt, Stacey, and Adriana. They’ll be observing you guys.” A tall, older man said, shaking my hand.
“Oooh, we get two guys. That’s one thing we’re short on: men. Which is really important. A lot of our kids don’t have male role models in their lives. So we pounce on the guys.” I said, smiling. I looked from Jared to Matt. However, when Matt’s and my eyes met, I blushed a little, thinking of the sexual implications of the word pounce.
I have never really felt such a connection to a person. Matt was tall, I would put him at literally seven foot or so. His blonde hair was spiked, and his blue eyes were just as piercing as his hair. He flashed me a wide grin. I paused for a minute, then realized they were waiting for me to continue.
“Oh, um. Not saying Adriana and Stacey won’t be put to work. We need all hands on deck. Adriana, I think you’re actually slated to stay with me while you’re here. That’s why I’m headed to Cincinnati, to pick up a bed. My futon right now is lovingly referred to as the death trap.”
Adriana smiled shyly. She looked kinda mousy, with curly black hair that was cut straight at her chin. She had soft brown eyes, and a quiet voice. I knew the kids were going to eat her up.
I gave them the tour of the building, showing the upstairs where we held most of our afterschool programs, the library, and the computer room. I took them down our maze of stairs (we have four different ways to get upstairs, it can be quite confusing.) And showed them the theatre, the food pantry, the gym, the showers we allowed people to use during certain times, the kitchen, and the back office and pre-school, the only two rooms that were air conditioned.
“And these are the two rooms you’ll want to be in the most, but will most likely be in the least.” I said smiling. “That’s pretty much the building. I’m sure little things will pop up along the way that you won’t know where they’re at, but just ask. Any questions?” I asked, stopping outside the door to the back office.
“Where will the rest of us be staying?” Jordan asked. He was pretty tall too, but still shorter than Matt. His head was shaved, as was his face. His skin was dark and smooth looking, and he had deep brown eyes.
“Ummm…. I’m not exactly sure. I think Matt will be with Kenny and his family, Stacey will be with Michelle and her family and you will be with James. But don’t hold me to that.”
“When will you be back from vacation?” Matt asked. His voice shocked me. He had the most adorable, slight speech impediment. Barely enough to pick up on, but for such a big guy, it gave his voice a slight child like quality.
“Probably start of September. Here, you never know though. I’m not doing much so who knows? I could end up back here sooner. Kenny ends up working the majority of his vacations too.” I said, laughing. I felt myself turn a little red as Matt continued to look at me.
“OK.” I said, clapping my hands together. My palms were sweating. “Back to the back office!”
As we walked into the back office, Kenny was sitting there and the desk, typing some things up.
“Hey, Ella. Thanks for giving them the tour for me.” He said, distractedly.
“You’re welcome. Call me if you need anything.” I said, grabbing my paperwork from my mailbox.
On the way out I bumped into Matt. Our eyes caught and I felt a small shock. I smiled, mumbled an apology, and ran out to my car.
I drove home, once again distracted and feeling slightly flustered.
“Well.” I said to myself, running a hand through my hair. “You wanted a distraction.”
It’s true, the whole ‘be careful what you wish for’ thing. I had wanted a distraction, but a work distraction? Not a good thing. Besides, I didn’t date where I worked, I made that mistake with Chris, and it was never a good idea.
I chewed my thumb nail. Matt was pretty cute though. And he would be gone in a couple months. How much trouble could I possibly get into?