How many times can I break till I shatter?

Because I'm posting this now, I might not post for the rest of the weekend. My son has been off all day, sleeping a lot and what not, and when I just put him down I noticed he felt warm. I took his temp and he has a low-grade fever. No other real symptoms, I'm not even sure it'll turn into anything, but I know when he gets sick he gets VERY clingy, so I didn't want to leave you guys hanging all weekend, and I don't think many people read on the weekends anyway (and if people do, they probably don't check here until the day a post is "due" so, same diff.) I hope y'all don't mind.

I stormed back to the cottage and slammed open the front door. Jason was in the kitchen, playing cards still.
“You and I need to have a conversation. Alone.” I said, loudly.
The boys ooh’d and a few of them patted Jason on the back as they exited the room.
“We’ll be at the pool Blanco, if you make it out alive!” One of them called.
“What’s wrong with you?” Jason asked, still holding his cards in one hand.
“What’s wrong with you? I come all this way, to talk, and you can’t even be bothered to pick me up from the airport!” I yelled.
“I had trainings Ella. I can’t just drop my life because you decide it’s time to get over your hissy fit.”
“Oh, why not Jas? That’s what you did to me EVERY time you got mad. Run away and randomly pop up with no explanation. Is that what I was supposed to do? Not talk about it?”
Jason ran his hand over his face, throwing down his cards on the table. “What is there to talk about, exactly?” He asked, rubbing his forehead.
“Us, Jason. And what is going on with us.” I answered, slumping down into a chair.
“There’s nothing going on with us Ella. We fight. We’ve always fought. It happens.” He shrugged.
“So maybe the better question is, what’s going on with you and Kayla?”
I saw him wince slightly. “Nothing.” He lied. “Why would you think something was going on?”
“Because supposedly she thought it was a good idea to pair me up with Jacob, and you agreed. You guys must have discussed this last weekend when you were holed up with each other.”
“Jacob told you.” He said. And then he shrugged. “Yeah, she was here. Why does it matter?”
“Why is it so wrong that I wanna know where we stand Jason? Does Kayla ever ask you these things?”
“I just don’t see why it matters. Kayla knows she and I aren’t together, you know you and I aren’t together. Does it need any more explanation than that?”
“Sometimes it would be nice, yeah. I just don’t get where I went wrong. Where we went wrong.”
“I don’t get why you always have to turn it into this. I’m young I’m fighting for this country and could lose my life in the process. Why can’t I just have some fun for a little while?”
“You can Jason. I just want to know that before I get into anything. I want it to be my choice. Do I want to have fun or do I want to leave for something more serious?”
He was quiet for a minute. “You can do whatever it is you want Ella. Don’t stick around on my account.” With that, he got up and walked away.
I didn’t know what I had said that had made him shut down like that. I got up and followed him.
“Don’t Ella.” He said, as soon as I walked into the bedroom we were sharing.
“Don’t what?” I asked.
“I’m done. I’m tired of this. I’m not doing it anymore. All this back and forth and arguing and saying crap to hurt each other. They’re sending me to Iraq, you know. And I just… I’m done with this.”
“Done with me?” I asked.
He was silent. I wasn’t prepared for the arrow I felt pierce my heart, and the white hot anger that followed it.
I reached into the front part of my bag, and pulled out the pictures the doctor had printed for me. For a moment, I contemplated handing them to him. To tell him that it was fine if he was done with me, but the baby and I would be done with him, and we’d do just fine without him. But then, my pride got the better of me. I didn’t want him to stay just for the baby. And, I knew if he offered to stay, I wouldn’t be able to tell him no. The question of why he was staying would always taint whatever relationship we had. I shoved the pictures back into my suitcase.
“I should go home.” I said, breaking the silence.
“I don’t want you to go Ella. I was happy when you texted. I missed you. But, I just want to have fun.”
So I stayed. It was like we were back to the old Ella and Jason. Yes, we spent time with the guys, in the pool, horse playing and splashing. But there was time spent in our room, talking, giggling, and holding each other. There were even a few kisses. I didn’t have sex with him, I couldn’t, and I didn’t tell him about the baby. I wasn’t really sure how to go about doing that. I knew now that I would keep the baby, that I had too. While I support a woman’s right to choose, the right choice for me was no abortion, and I knew that in my heart the whole time. Still, I couldn’t dump it on him, right before he left for Iraq. I knew I also couldn’t not tell him, and have him come home to me with a baby that might look a lot like him. When I boarded the plane that Monday morning, my stomach was in knots. Partly because while I had given Jason a good good-bye, complete with a hug that lasted for about an hour, and a kiss that probably would have turned any gay man straight, I still didn’t know if I’d see him again before he left in September. The other half was the fact that I still hadn’t told him. I knew he was coming home for a goodbye party in a couple weeks, before he left, but it wasn’t the right time to drop something like that on him. I also knew Kayla would be there, and I didn’t know how I felt about that.
On the plane ride home, though, I decided I would tell him at his going away party. I had too.

I called Drew when I landed.
“How’d it go?” He asked.
“It went… Weird. I didn’t tell him.”
“Ella…” Drew’s voice started, in a warning tone.
“Drew, I couldn’t tell him. He told me he was leaving for Iraq. How could I tell him?”
“How could you not tell him? You don’t think someone’s gonna notice that you’re pregnant Ell? You don’t think that he’s going to notice you have a baby when he comes home?”
“I know Drew. I’ll tell him.”
“When?” He demanded.
“His going away party.”
“Yeah, cuz that’s party information.”
“Well, do you have any better ideas, wise guy?” I asked. I was tired, my back was sore. I was tired of waiting for Jarren to come pick me up.
“Yeah, you should rewind time and tell him when you were in California.” Drew said sarcastically.
“If I could rewind time, I wouldn’t be pregnant right now.”
“Do you mean that Ell?” Drew sounded a little hurt.
“I’m keeping the baby, Drew. But, is right now the best time to have a baby? No.”
“I made you an appointment. I hope you don’t mind, but I figured if you did decide to keep it, you should be seen by your own doctor as soon as possible.”
I laughed. Maybe other girls would have been off put by his enthusiasm, but I found it endearing. “Thanks, Drew.”
“Your appointment is this Friday. And. I was thinking Ella. I need a new apartment, and maybe I could come live down by you?”
“Drew, you don’t have to do that.”
“I know Ella, but I’d like being closer to you, and I could help with the baby stuff since Jason’s going to be away.” He paused, and said, barely audible “I want to do it.”
“Well, OK Drew. C’mon down and we’ll find you a job and a place to stay.” I said, smiling. Just then, Jarren pulled up. “Drewbie, Jarren’s here, so I gotta jet.”
“OK, well, I’ll be up there Thursday night to take you to your appointment Friday.”
“Alrighty Drewbie. Love you.” And I clicked my phone shut. I was happy now that everything seemed to be falling into place.

I spent the next few days unpacking and doing laundry from camp. I felt like I hadn’t been home in forever. The apartment still needed to be cleaned from the party that happened the night before I left for Indiana (Jarren had a few perks, cleanliness was not one of them.) I also spent some time laying around doing nothing, which felt nice for a change. Thursday came, and Drew rolled in, and Jarren was excited. She had always had a thing for Drew, and even though he treated her like an annoying little sister, Jarren still held out hope. It was pretty amusing to me to watch her parade herself around in what she thought were sexy outfits, or cooking meals for Drew, hoping the old saying rang true, and she could find her way to his heart through his stomach. Drew paid special attention to me, making sure I was laying down, and drinking plenty of water. I had yet to tell Jarren what was going on yet, but she didn’t really notice anything. Just Drew.
Drew came with me to the doctors on Friday. He had said on the phone that they’d told him they’d check to see if they could hear the heartbeat yet, and so he brought a recorder to record it. He wanted to document everything for Jason, which I thought was sweet. I was a little bummed, I had been hoping for another ultrasound, but hearing the heartbeat would be exciting as well.
At the doctors it was pretty much the same routine at the clinic. I had to pee in a cup. My weight was taken. My blood pressure was taken. This time I didn’t have to change into a gown. I waited on the cold table, but was amused to see that the stirrups were covered in socks.
The doctor knocked a came in. A young, pretty woman with dark features. She smiled broadly.
“Hello Ella! I’m Dr. Vaneck. How are you feeling?”
“Pretty good.” I answered, smiling back.
“No morning sickness? Headaches? Anything like that?” She asked, flipping through my chart.
“Nope, not yet.”
“Lucky.” She answered, winking at me. “Your urine’s good, we’ll check that every time you come in, for protein.” She thumbed through a few more things and set down my folder. “Alright.” She said, rubbing her hands together. “Ready to see if we can hear a heartbeat?”
I smiled, nodded, and laid back on the table. She put on some gloves, lifted my shirt, and pulled out what looked to be a microphone attached to a box. A heart beat banged out, loud and echoing. It sounded as if it was under water, which in a way, I guess it was.
“Not the baby’s.” She said, probing around some more with the microphone thingy. “That’s your heartbeat.” She tried a few more spots, and gave up. “No big deal, if your placenta is attached to your anterior wall, you may not be able to hear the heartbeat for awhile. And, they could be off on your due date.” She wheeled over to the sink and grabbed some gel. “We’ll try an ultrasound.”
I smiled, happy that I would, in fact, get to see the little guy (or gal!) again. She squeezed some goo onto my stomach and pushed the wand down.
I started to get worried when she didn’t turn the screen towards me, so I could see. I leaned up slightly, on my elbows, and looked at her. She was shaking her head slightly.
“What? Dr. Vaneck?” I bit my bottom lip.
“I’m sorry Ella. There’s no heartbeat.”