I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again

Couple of things to start with: One, make sure you read the post below this one if you didn't catch it Friday. Two, if you have a TGIFridays near you, and love it as much as I do (I love some of the food network sandwiches, and I love, love, LOVE their Jack Daniels Sauce. Ohhh, so good.) http://www.tgifridays.com/fb-bogo/ go there, and print a buy one entree get one free coupon. The only thing better then good food? Good free food. Three, my son is not sick. However, he's teething. I knew this would happen, he didn't get teeth for the longest and I knew they were all going to pop in at once. Right now his two top teeth are busting through (at the same time. FUN!) and then he already had his two bottoms, but the ones next to them look like they're around to come through. Why am I telling you this? Right now it's making him really sleepy, which is good, I get a lot of work done. However, when he is up and at 'em, he's really grumpy, and really clingy. Which means other work I normally could get down with him? Throwing a pile of laundry in, or running the dishwasher? I have to do with a grumpy baby on my hip, which slows me down. SO, if I lag a little bit, I'm sorry. His teeth should be in soon (I hope!) and things should get back to normal! Also, while we're speaking of lags in updates, I know this is a few weeks away (but, I told y'all I'd give you as much warning as possible.) But his first birthday is coming up at the end of September. It's very possible that I also won't update a ton then. We have a HUGE birthday party to get ready (on the 26th) and then on his actual birthday (the 28th) he's getting his check up, which means TONS of shots, and also dinner with the family (which makes me stressed) and then sometime he's getting his pictures done. So, it'll be a little hectic. I'm not saying I for sure won't post, just saying it's a maybe. So. Now, after all that junk, here's the next update:
Jason went down to get the crate for me in the basement. I picked up the phone and called Drew.
“Ella, I’m sorry for what I said earlier…”
“Why’d you tell him that I didn’t love him?” I cut him off.
“What?”
“Jason told me. He told me he called, after the miscarriage.” After these years, the word miscarry still stuck in my throat. “He said you told him I didn’t love him. Why did you do that?”
I heard him puff out a deep breath of air. “He hurt you Ella.”
“He hurt me, so you decided to take it into your own hands and tell him that I didn’t love him? How could you do that? You ruined everything Drew. Now YOU’VE hurt me.” I was surprised with how calm my voice sounded. Each word was even, clipped.
“You don’t know that Ella. And you weren’t there, after you lost the baby. Had he never…”
“He didn’t make me lose the baby Drew. It just happened. As for you… You made me lose him. And I don’t think I can ever forgive you for something like that Drew.” With that, I hung up on him.

With Jason cleaning the crate, I decided it was a good time to get away and get to the store for some puppy supplies. Along the way I decided to call Toni, who I had been ignoring for the past couple weeks. There had just been so much going on, I couldn’t keep up with everyone. She was good though, at giving me space, having left only one message to call her whenever I got the chance.
“Hey you, long time no talk.” She answered.
“Yeah, sorry. It’s been… An adventure.”
“I’ll bet.” She answered, laughing. “Wanna tell me about it? I got a sec, Nick took the kids to dinner to give me a night to myself.”
“How nice. I don’t want to unload my shit on you during your one night off, Tone.”
“Drama would be nice. The only drama I see anymore is when Swiper tries to go swiping.” She laughed.
“Jason’s here. Without Kayla.”
“Ohhh, so soon?”
“Yeah. Get this, he and Kayla can’t have kids, but she wants them. So he asked me to carry a baby for them.”
“Carry as in?”
“Yeah, get pregnant, give birth too, and hand over to them.”
“What’d you say?” She asked. I could picture her, in their living room, sitting on the edge of her seat, waiting to hear more.
“I told him I couldn’t. I went off on him for being so selfish. I told him I was in love with him.”
“Oh Ella.”
“I know. Worse yet, he asks me since when I’ve been in love with him.”
“Why would he ask that? Is that boy that blind?” She laughed a little.
“Drew told him, after… After I lost the baby. Jason called, and Drew answered. He told him I wasn’t in love with him anymore.”
“I can’t say I’m surprised.”
“Really?” I asked, my voice rising a little too high. “I was.”
“Of course you were, hon.” She laughed. “You’re as clueless as Jason.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. I was used to being compared to Jason, everyone said we were just alike, but I didn’t know what she meant in this instance.
“Oh Ella.” She sighed. “You’ve always had Jason… And Drew. Well, he’s always had you.”
“What do you mean?” And then, it dawned on me. “Oh no, Toni. Drew and I, we aren’t like that, at all. We haven’t even kissed.”
“Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you guys to be.” She stated plainly. I chose to ignore it.
“It doesn’t give him a right to meddle. He shouldn’t have told Jason what he did.”
“Ella. You don’t know what you were like, after the miscarriage. You, were a zombie. You didn’t talk, you didn’t sleep, you didn’t eat, you didn’t do anything. I’m not saying you didn’t have a right to act this way but… You scared a lot of people. Drew was just trying to protect you. Cut him a break.”
“It’s hard to do that Toni. Who knows where Jason and I would be right now if Drew hadn’t lied.”
“You’re right. Who knows? Nobody does. You coulda been with him. You could be married to him, or dated him and broke up with him. You could have never gotten with him. Nobody knows. We just know what the right now is. And right now he’s married to someone who isn’t you, and you’ve got to let that go.”
“Everyone keeps saying that, let it go. And they make it sound like it’s just that easy. To make that choice and to do it.”
“It IS that easy Ella. You make the choice to let it go, and eventually you will. It’s a day by day process. And you can start that process by not being mad at Drew. He was only trying to protect you, and maybe you didn’t need the protection. He loves you Ella. Whether you want to believe it’s more than friends or not, you can’t deny that the boy loves you.”
“I know Toni.”
“What’d you tell Jason about the baby?”
“I haven’t really told him anything. I mean, I sort of want to help him. It’s not Kayla’s fault she’s infertile. And it seems kind of unfair, that I can, and she can’t, and I won’t help them. And I do love Jason.”
“Yeah, but it’s because you love Jason that you shouldn’t, Ella. You and Jason were supposed to have a baby, and this will be, in a sense, yours and Jason’s baby. I don’t see that as being a healthy thing for you.”
“It wouldn’t be my baby though, it would be his and Kayla’s.” I argued back.
“You know what I mean, Ella. It’s not a good idea.”
“Nothing I do is a good idea.” I mumbled. I had been throwing various things into the cart, nyla bones, training treats, kongs, a few loofa dogs, and puppy food. I pulled my cart up to the check out.
“I know, and look at where it’s gotten you. So stop doing stupid things.”
“I know, I know, I know. We can’t all have it together like you, Tone.” I said, smiling. When I first met Toni, her tough-love honesty was off putting. Now I’ve come to appreciate it.
“I better go. I should get home and spend some time with him.”
“Yeah, just don’t have too good of a time, if you know what I mean.” She warned.

When I came home, Jason was on the couch, waiting. I dropped the stuff, and sat next to him, watching the puppies wiggle over to the supplies and check them out.
“Hey. Crate’s clean. I set it up in the kitchen.” He said.
“Thanks.” We fell into a silence.
“I am sorry, Ella.” He said a few minutes later. “Had I known your feelings for me… Well, I wouldn’t have asked. This whole thing, it’s had to have been hard on you.”
“Yeah well.” I shrugged. “I’ll be OK. I am happy for you Jason. I just wish it could have been me. And it’s going to take some time, and I’m probably going to need some space.”
“Yeah. I’ll tell Kayla to back off a little on the baby thing. I just think she’s panicked about Iraq. I mean I’ve been before, but I think every time I go back, her panic level rises. Like, how many times can I go and come back safe? I think a baby… She feels like it’s a promise that I’ll try a little harder to come home safe.”
“It’s not ‘no’ forever, OK? I may be able to help you guys out one day.” I paused, and cleared my throat. “I DO want to help you guys out. Right now, it’s just too much for me.”
“I understand.” He said. He bumped my shoulder with his, and I smiled.
“I love you Jason.”
“I love you too, El.”

Jason and I spent the rest of the night playing cards and talking. He went to bed, and woke me early the next morning with a kiss on the forehead and a goodbye. He promised to come home to Indiana if he was in fact going to get shipped out. I promised to call if I felt like I was ready. He also told me that he didn’t plan on telling Kayla any of what had been said. I was grateful for that.

I spent the rest of my time off decompressing and puppy training. The puppies were a great distraction and took time training and playing with them. I attended Bark Park, and a few other events, with adopt me! Bandana’s on the puppies. I took information, talked to people, and was slightly relieved when I felt like none of the people would be a good match for the dogs. I didn’t want to see them go. Still, I knew they would have too eventually, and four dogs were way too many to keep, especially four dogs of that size. I had also gotten the lecture from Nancy many times that I did more good fostering many animals than just adopting one. Still, I missed having one constant dog in my life, and I was considering keeping at least one of the dogs.
I decided to use working with kids to my advantage, and I knew that while my first day back at work would be a crazy one, that the kids wouldn’t have any homework, being the first day back at school for them. I decided to take in one of the puppies to see how they adjusted to the kids. I had done this many times before, and my workplace actually encouraged it as long as the dogs were puppies. They didn’t want to take the legal risk of a full grown dog attacking one of the kids.
I got to work earlier than usual, and set up out in the courtyard. The courtyard was gorgeous, designed by our directors husband. The courtyard was basically a square, lined with doors on all sides. On the left side, the doors were made from glass, and those led into the kitchen. There was a concrete patio running out from all the doors, where the girls liked to jump rope and play hop scotch. The boys however, liked to play tag and other rough and tumble games out in the grass, running up the circular staircase in the middle. At the top of the staircase was a sculpture of a child, surrounded by glass bubbles. I loved it out here. Humming to myself. I let the puppy, this one I had named Cumulus (there was Cumulus, Stratus, Cirrus, and Altostratus, aka Alto), wander aimlessly around the yard, peeing on various things.
The kids came, and they loved the puppy. The boys chased Cumulus around, and the girls awww’d over him and carried him around as much as I would let them. At snack time, they slipped Cumulus bits and pieces of their after school meal. Watching the kids with the dog, and how happy they were, made me think of my life. Where would I be right now if I had a baby of my own? What would my child be doing? Would he or she like dogs? My hand went absently to my stomach, as I tried to touch the cold, hollow place that my baby had left behind. I was a little bit sad to know that it would probably be awhile before I had any babies of my own. It was unfair, that I was handed a baby when I least expected it, and then once I had gotten used to the idea, it had been yanked away. Unfair still, that now when I was in a position to maybe handle a baby, with a steady income and a home of my own, I would have to wait. Thinking of that, though, made me think of Kayla and Jason. I couldn’t stop thinking about how unfair it was to them, to not only have the space, time, and money, but the partner. And still be told no over something that you had no control over what-so-ever. Be told no because something horrific had happened to you, when you were just a child. I thought of Kayla, how she was so bouncy and happy, upbeat all the time. To know something like that had happened to her, and she had not only survived it, but in fact thrived despite it. Well, I felt like she deserved some sort of reward.
As group wrapped up for the day and I cleaned up, taking out the trash and picking up random bits of paper the kids had strewn, Cumulus laid on the concrete. Snoring and wiped out from all the attention. I laughed as I thought about brining all four dogs in every day, they’d never be hyper again! I sat down next to him, taking my cell phone out of my back pocket. I picked Cumulus up, cradling him as best I could in one arm, like a baby. In the other hand, I entered a text message.
To: Kayla, Jason
From: Me
Let’s talk babies.